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Letting go of fundy ideas/upbringing


AnnoDomini

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I got my first real job by being hired as a sales clerk for the holidays at a large department store and then they kept me on afterwards. I worked there all through high school.

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The first step is the hardest step: You have to actually want to do it.

This might sound harsh, but all the advice in the world that we give you (or have given you) won't help you. What will help you is having the drive and desire to actually go and do.

Don't use FJ as a crutch. Don't depend on us to hold your hand. Because quite frankly, you keep asking what to do, and not actually doing anything. So sit back and soak in what others say, and not just in threads about you. There are a lot of fundie survivors on this board, and they offer good advice just by reading their stories.

But seriously, get off the computer and go out and put in applications everywhere you can. Stop asking and start living, AD.

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Ok, things I've done:

called CPS on my own parents after years of keeping the family secrets from 'outsiders who don't understand'

college courses

secular music

exploring new kinds of movies

made a few friends

saved up a little money

tried to be friendly with the people in classes

gotten a driver's license since there is no bus line in my tiny town

gotten restarted on my web business which if it builds up to where it was before, may earn me over $50/week

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Anno, I think you are doing great.

One thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to tell your parents everything. I read Dan Savage (who is a sex advice columnist), and one thing he recommends to folks who are gay, and thinking of coming out to their parents is that if they don't have a safe place to fall, they should wait. I think this applies in your situation - if you feel like you are at risk of being thrown out, and aren't equipped to start living on your own, then staying under your parents' radar as much of possible is a good thing. I personally let my mother heap a TON of emotional abuse on me for years, because she was paying a chunk of my college. It was a chunk I couldn't replace, and I didn't want to drop out of school. Even after I graduated and moved 2000 miles away, it still took me years before I could finally tell her to knock it off, and place strict rules on our interactions.

But even though it took that long, I was still able to live my life, and figure out who I was. I'm 37 now, and honestly, in some ways, I feel like I've only figured that out in the past few years. :) You have PLENTY of time.

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I will add one thing to what other people have already talked about...remember to keep your own oxygen mask firmly in place.

When one feels responsible for siblings/parents/whomever, it can be really easy to sell out what you need to take care of these other people.

Don't.

Now, I don't mean you say "so long suckers" and watch your siblings flounder, but, it's like the airplane--you put on your own oxygen mask first so that you can help someone else.

You put on your own first, otherwise you both go down.

Easier said than done, I know.

But if it becomes necessary for you to move out, you move out first and you worry about care-giving for siblings second. If you need to get a job, you get a job first, worry about not upsetting the balance second. You do what you NEED to get yourself out--and that gives you the resources and strength to worry about everyone else.

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I got my first real job by being hired as a sales clerk for the holidays at a large department store and then they kept me on afterwards. I worked there all through high school.

That's the job I wanted. But no, they stuck me in gift wrapping.

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AD, those are all good steps, but a web business that brings in $50 a week will not give you financial independence. Others have suggested applying for seasonal retail positions. In addition to giving you more money, it will provide you with co-workers and supervisors who can provide references for future employment. You'll need to move out at some point, right? A landlord will want proof of income and references. A job will provide that. A web business will not.

I'm not knocking having your own business. My husband runs his own business from home, but he only took that risk after twenty years in his field and enough contacts to make it work. Still, it was rough for awhile.

Posters here have offered you excellent advice, but you seem to get stuck in the analysis phase and don't move into the action phase. You won't accomplish anything if you over-analyze everything. Have you ever been evaluated for an anxiety disorder? It might be worth looking into. I have GAD and often get so caught up in the cycle of worrying that I can't act.

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No problem! I think any decent high school type of job should have times like that :D It's character-building! (Really though, learning to put up with crap like that is better done then than later when the stakes are higher). But oh man did it suck sometimes, haha!

After that job from hell was over, the school found me high school job #2. It was the only job I ever got fired from. The job was packing candy in a candy factory. I got fired for eating all the candy. Hey, everyone else did it so I thought it was perfectly acceptable. And then. It happened. The cream of the crop. High school job #3. I got a job in a shoe store. Being surrounded by shoes was just heavenly. It was also expensive because I kept buying them all.

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Oh, as far as references go, I did have a seasonal position last year (meant to mention that in my list above) and at the end of the season they didn't keep me on (said they didn't have the hours but it must have been a lie since they kept other of their seasonal hires that year) but they weren't allowed to provide references, only confirm that I worked there. Said it was company policy.

I am trying to scrounge up the money to see a doctor to get diagnosed if I do have a disorder, which is quite possible.

Please, everyone remember though, I'm doing everything I feel I can, and things just will take a while to change. Planting seeds and all that. Please, I know it's hard but bear with me as I move slowly. I'm still learning to move at all.

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gotten restarted on my web business which if it builds up to where it was before, may earn me over $50/week

Maybe you can get a job outside the home and also have your web business. You're going to have to make more than that if you want to move.

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Getting over a fundie background, no matter what flavor isn't easy, especially if you are a women in her 20's-30's whose culture worships at the altar of fecundity. I was raised more fundily/in the Patriarchy than I realized. I married off as a nice "Born Again Christian", after a weirdly fundie Catholic upbringing. I bought the whole thing- the save yourself for marriage, the subjugate your will to the man and all will be good bs. And it did not work. See, the Almighty Uterus failed me, and, so, I failed my husband and his family (leave and cleave!). I was younger than you are now, AD.

What did I do? Well, I was damaged goods. I had moved away from my family and friends and was living with his family after I was told I was being divorced. I was basically a tolerated evil, and I had to wait on his evil mother, hand and foot, cook and clean, while she sat and read me Bible verses about how vile women were. My family wasn't going to take me back. I had made my choice, turned my back on Catholicism, and joined his family. I was unwelcome.

So what did I do? I had no money, nothing. I walked my ass 3 miles to town, and despite it being one of those small towns where everyone knows what everyone else is doing at all times, I went to the GoodWill, and spoke freely and tearfully to the woman in the office. They gave me a cup of coffee, a box of tissues, and the sweet woman sat and talked to me. I told her the truth. Of course, at the time, I totally believe I was at fault, that no one would ever care enough to help me, let alone a stranger. I had lost my spine, I was in The Valley of the Shadow. The lovely woman, named Eileen, made phone calls. I went back to That House to gather what I cared to carry with me; I left my fucking wedding ring on the MIL's bedside. I got job training. I started at Community College--you have to fight for yourself, or find someone to fight with you. In my case, I had a little of each, and felt my spine grow stronger every day. I found a counselor through my CC, who helped me with my self-esteem.

I moved to the city to attend university. I graduated and worked, and dated some losers. I made a whole bunch of questionable fashion and social decisions. I became a professional, a collected and well-shown artist, and became a single foster mother. I adopted a baby in my early 30s, but her mother reclaimed her. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, I was longly unemployed. Life is never all one way.

Now, I am well employed, married to the most amazing man, the kind one hopes is out there, but never really believes exists. We are best friends, and we added our gorgeous Ladybug in the past year.

You asked how I let go, there you are. I've already given you my opinion on your situation, AD. That's why I was so pro-Goodwill.

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Please, everyone remember though, I'm doing everything I feel I can, and things just will take a while to change. Planting seeds and all that. Please, I know it's hard but bear with me as I move slowly. I'm still learning to move at all.

I have to disagree here. You AREN'T doing everything you can. And until you stop making excuses and start actually wanting to live and get out and get away, no one can help you but yourself.

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Getting over a fundie background, no matter what flavor isn't easy, especially if you are a women in her 20's-30's whose culture worships at the altar of fecundity. I was raised more fundily/in the Patriarchy than I realized. I married off as a nice "Born Again Christian", after a weirdly fundie Catholic upbringing. I bought the whole thing- the save yourself for marriage, the subjugate your will to the man and all will be good bs. And it did not work. See, the Almighty Uterus failed me, and, so, I failed my husband and his family (leave and cleave!). I was younger than you are now, AD.

What did I do? Well, I was damaged goods. I had moved away from my family and friends and was living with his family after I was told I was being divorced. I was basically a tolerated evil, and I had to wait on his evil mother, hand and foot, cook and clean, while she sat and read me Bible verses about how vile women were. My family wasn't going to take me back. I had made my choice, turned my back on Catholicism, and joined his family. I was unwelcome.

So what did I do? I had no money, nothing. I walked my ass 3 miles to town, and despite it being one of those small towns where everyone knows what everyone else is doing at all times, I went to the GoodWill, and spoke freely and tearfully to the woman in the office. They gave me a cup of coffee, a box of tissues, and the sweet woman sat and talked to me. I told her the truth. Of course, at the time, I totally believe I was at fault, that no one would ever care enough to help me, let alone a stranger. I had lost my spine, I was in The Valley of the Shadow. The lovely woman, named Eileen, made phone calls. I went back to That House to gather what I cared to carry with me; I left my fucking wedding ring on the MIL's bedside. I got job training. I started at Community College--you have to fight for yourself, or find someone to fight with you. In my case, I had a little of each, and felt my spine grow stronger every day. I found a counselor through my CC, who helped me with my self-esteem.

I moved to the city to attend university. I graduated and worked, and dated some losers. I made a whole bunch of questionable fashion and social decisions. I became a professional, a collected and well-shown artist, and became a single foster mother. I adopted a baby in my early 30s, but her mother reclaimed her. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, I was longly unemployed. Life is never all one way.

Now, I am well employed, married to the most amazing man, the kind one hopes is out there, but never really believes exists. We are best friends, and we added our gorgeous Ladybug in the past year.

You asked how I let go, there you are. I've already given you my opinion on your situation, AD. That's why I was so pro-Goodwill.

You are:

Overcomer

Transcender

Awesome

My hero

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AD, here's something you can easily do from home that is effortless to do: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

This will be your life line to attending a community college. Before you can think about what your life will be 20 years from now or how you will let go of your fundy ideas, you need an education.

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I am trying to scrounge up the money to see a doctor to get diagnosed if I do have a disorder, which is quite possible.

Depending on where you live there might be some free clinics. Catholic Charities here has a medical clinic that is free, it is staffed by licensed M.D.'s and nurse practitioners. Your county public health department should be able to tell you if there are any free clinics in your area.

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Angri-la, may I say I am in awe?

I appreciate it--you are someone I admire as well, and that means so much, coming from you.

I want AD and others to know that, yes, life is full of adversity, but one does reap what one sows, it may just take a long time and the patience of tending to ones dreams before it all flowers. The bottom line is: You have to help yourself and sometimes that means asking for help from others.

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I'm reading this thread and taking notes. Please forgive my seeming lack of participation--the subject is extremely emotional for me. Very triggering. But I deeply appreciate it. And I plan to call Goodwill on Monday.

I'm dealing with some dep down hard issues, the long-held belief that no one who doesn't have to (ie, my family) would want me, no one will ever want me, why would they, etc. This is of course a personal thing and business isn't personal but my subconscious won't listen to me. Each time I lose a job, don't get hired, don't get the call, etc, that little voice says 'no one wants someone like you, you'll never be good enough, and you'll never know why they don't want you but who would want you, what have you got to offer that everyone else doesn't already have plus more?'

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I'm reading this thread and taking notes. Please forgive my seeming lack of participation--the subject is extremely emotional for me. Very triggering. But I deeply appreciate it. And I plan to call Goodwill on Monday.

I'm dealing with some dep down hard issues, the long-held belief that no one who doesn't have to (ie, my family) would want me, no one will ever want me, why would they, etc. This is of course a personal thing and business isn't personal but my subconscious won't listen to me. Each time I lose a job, don't get hired, don't get the call, etc, that little voice says 'no one wants someone like you, you'll never be good enough, and you'll never know why they don't want you but who would want you, what have you got to offer that everyone else doesn't already have plus more?'

Tell the voice to STFU. Consciously have a conversation with it, look in the mirror and repeat the immortal words of Stuart Smalley:

You're Good Enough

You're Smart Enough

And Gosh, Darn it, People Like You!

I hope you are listening to people. No one here has an agenda except to help you help yourself.

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I appreciate it--you are someone I admire as well, and that means so much, coming from you.

Wow. Thank you! :)

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I'm trying to. I like those words. :)

What's probably going on is, what you mean 'it's not insurmountable, you can do it, you can, I promise' and I hear a well-meant 'whatever you've done doesn't count, you're not good enough, you're still failing'. I am working hard to overcome this failing, since I am positive you are trying hard to help me.

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I'm trying to. I like those words. :)

What's probably going on is, what you mean 'it's not insurmountable, you can do it, you can, I promise' and I hear a well-meant 'whatever you've done doesn't count, you're not good enough, you're still failing'. I am working hard to overcome this failing, since I am positive you are trying hard to help me.

This is proof that you need some serious help.

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Getting over a fundie background, no matter what flavor isn't easy, especially if you are a women in her 20's-30's whose culture worships at the altar of fecundity. I was raised more fundily/in the Patriarchy than I realized. I married off as a nice "Born Again Christian", after a weirdly fundie Catholic upbringing. I bought the whole thing- the save yourself for marriage, the subjugate your will to the man and all will be good bs. And it did not work. See, the Almighty Uterus failed me, and, so, I failed my husband and his family (leave and cleave!). I was younger than you are now, AD.

What did I do? Well, I was damaged goods. I had moved away from my family and friends and was living with his family after I was told I was being divorced. I was basically a tolerated evil, and I had to wait on his evil mother, hand and foot, cook and clean, while she sat and read me Bible verses about how vile women were. My family wasn't going to take me back. I had made my choice, turned my back on Catholicism, and joined his family. I was unwelcome.

So what did I do? I had no money, nothing. I walked my ass 3 miles to town, and despite it being one of those small towns where everyone knows what everyone else is doing at all times, I went to the GoodWill, and spoke freely and tearfully to the woman in the office. They gave me a cup of coffee, a box of tissues, and the sweet woman sat and talked to me. I told her the truth. Of course, at the time, I totally believe I was at fault, that no one would ever care enough to help me, let alone a stranger. I had lost my spine, I was in The Valley of the Shadow. The lovely woman, named Eileen, made phone calls. I went back to That House to gather what I cared to carry with me; I left my fucking wedding ring on the MIL's bedside. I got job training. I started at Community College--you have to fight for yourself, or find someone to fight with you. In my case, I had a little of each, and felt my spine grow stronger every day. I found a counselor through my CC, who helped me with my self-esteem.

I moved to the city to attend university. I graduated and worked, and dated some losers. I made a whole bunch of questionable fashion and social decisions. I became a professional, a collected and well-shown artist, and became a single foster mother. I adopted a baby in my early 30s, but her mother reclaimed her. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, I was longly unemployed. Life is never all one way.

Now, I am well employed, married to the most amazing man, the kind one hopes is out there, but never really believes exists. We are best friends, and we added our gorgeous Ladybug in the past year.

You asked how I let go, there you are. I've already given you my opinion on your situation, AD. That's why I was so pro-Goodwill.

I bow to your awesomeness..... :) (There really should be a bowing smiley...there are at least 3 that vomit but none that bow? What's up with that?)

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