What We Can Learn From the Dutch About Teen Sex

[Deleted12]

Teen birth rates are eight times higher in the U.S. than in Holland. Abortion rates are twice as high. The American AIDS rate is three times greater than that of the Dutch. What are they doing right that we're not?

 

For starters, two-thirds of Dutch parents report allowing their teenage children to have sleepovers with their boyfriend or girlfriend, a situation even the most liberal American parents would rarely permit. Is there something Americans should learn from the Dutch about relaxed attitudes toward sex (and drugs — indeed, the Netherlands has more lenient drug laws than the U.S., but three times lower rates of marijuana use)?

 

Healthland spoke with Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

 

 

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/11/14/m ... z1e7xyiFKl

[Witsec7]

Sex is a continual conversation with a child, age appropriate that can and does become more complex as the kids grow. American's are so repressive about teen sex even though many of them did it when they were teens. They seem to forget their own hormone driven years. Heck I wanted my kids to be raised in a sex positive culture and have options available to them other than intercourse.

[O Latin]

I saw a documentary awhile back about American attitudes toward sex (especially teen sex) and the filmmakers went to the Netherlands to show how different it was compared to here. I remember one girl talking about how everyone always carries a condom with them and getting hers out of her wallet to show the camera. It seems great that they're so uninhibited, but I also think it might be hard to be a teen in that culture who (for whatever reason) had chosen not to have sex. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're very accepting of that, too. It wouldn't surprise me, actually.

I'm riffling all over the place. It must be time for bed.

[Deleted12]

I saw a documentary awhile back about American attitudes toward sex (especially teen sex) and the filmmakers went to the Netherlands to show how different it was compared to here. I remember one girl talking about how everyone always carries a condom with them and getting hers out of her wallet to show the camera. It seems great that they're so uninhibited, but I also think it might be hard to be a teen in that culture who (for whatever reason) had chosen not to have sex. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they're very accepting of that, too. It wouldn't surprise me, actually.

I'm riffling all over the place. It must be time for bed.

Did you read the whole article?

It sounds like the Dutch are more supportive of solid teen relationships and sex within those relationships, whereas American teenagers are much more of a hookup culture.

It reminds me of a joke:

So the girl goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, I'm pregnant!"

The dad of course is just FLOORED by this and he says, "Who's the father?!?!?"

The girl says, "I don't know!"

The dad says, "Well what do you MEAN you don't know?"

And the girl replies, "YOU'RE the one who wouldn't let me go steady!"

[Witsec7]

'Other research finds that for girls, recognition of sexual desire and wishes is taboo, so they have fewer tools to assess what's right for them.'

I do agree with this point.

[llv]

I saw a documentary awhile back about American attitudes toward sex (especially teen sex) and the filmmakers went to the Netherlands to show how different it was compared to here.

Can you recall the name of the doc? I'd love to see it

[zcccrv]

I was a teenager in the nineties in Croatia and it was totally normal for guys to carry condoms in their wallets. Girls were not as liberated but I think they are becoming more so nowadays. The fact that you had one on you didn't mean you would get to use it.

Don't kids in America do that? Aren't condoms provided in schools?

[Fun-Dee]

I remember seeing that show. It said that in America, a girl carrying a condom was seen as loose, whereas in the Netherlands a girl carrying a condom was seen as responsible.

[latraviata]

Teen birth rates are eight times higher in the U.S. than in Holland. Abortion rates are twice as high. The American AIDS rate is three times greater than that of the Dutch. What are they doing right that we're not?

For starters, two-thirds of Dutch parents report allowing their teenage children to have sleepovers with their boyfriend or girlfriend, a situation even the most liberal American parents would rarely permit. Is there something Americans should learn from the Dutch about relaxed attitudes toward sex (and drugs — indeed, the Netherlands has more lenient drug laws than the U.S., but three times lower rates of marijuana use)?

Healthland spoke with Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2011/11/14/m ... z1e7xyiFKl

Well since I am Dutch, well at least half and living in the Netherlands I think I can answer that question.

Indeed we are not uptight about sex at all, very candid about it and give our children decent sex education starting from a very young age.

It is that simple.

When my boys went on a school camp at the age of 16, 17 I bought them condoms.

[O Latin]

Did you read the whole article?

It sounds like the Dutch are more supportive of solid teen relationships and sex within those relationships, whereas American teenagers are much more of a hookup culture.

It reminds me of a joke:

So the girl goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, I'm pregnant!"

The dad of course is just FLOORED by this and he says, "Who's the father?!?!?"

The girl says, "I don't know!"

The dad says, "Well what do you MEAN you don't know?"

And the girl replies, "YOU'RE the one who wouldn't let me go steady!"

Well, I didn't read the article, but I didn't mean to sound like I thought the Dutch were just wandering around sleeping with everybody. That was just one part of this documentary that stood out to me. Most of the Dutch footage was teenagers in committed relationships and their parents talking about how they wanted the kids to have a safe place to be together, so they had no problem with sleepovers. And the condom thing actually impressed me, because I can't imagine many American girls being willing to show a movie camera the condom they carry in their wallet (if they carry one at all). I thought it showed that she believed sex was nothing to be ashamed of.

I believe it was called "Let's Talk About Sex." It was on Netflix instant play.

[pixydust]

Personally, I want to be aware that my kid is sexually active and being safe, so if that means allowing sleepovers and keeping the condoms stocked, I'll be doing it. I also think that it is really important to figure out what you like and don't like sexually, and you don't know until you try!

[Deleted03]

[

Well, I didn't read the article, but I didn't mean to sound like I thought the Dutch were just wandering around sleeping with everybody. That was just one part of this documentary that stood out to me. Most of the Dutch footage was teenagers in committed relationships and their parents talking about how they wanted the kids to have a safe place to be together, so they had no problem with sleepovers. And the condom thing actually impressed me, because I can't imagine many American girls being willing to show a movie camera the condom they carry in their wallet (if they carry one at all). I thought it showed that she believed sex was nothing to be ashamed of.

I believe it was called "Let's Talk About Sex." It was on Netflix instant play.

exactly, when I tell my friends I always try to have a condom with me they all look at me weird: well sorry but I don't want to be in a situation where I have to choose between no sex or unsafe sex, particularly if I've drink a bit... Seriously, it happened once that I needed it and I'm glad I had it at the time.

[pittsburghmummy]

Personally, I want to be aware that my kid is sexually active and being safe, so if that means allowing sleepovers and keeping the condoms stocked, I'll be doing it. I also think that it is really important to figure out what you like and don't like sexually, and you don't know until you try!

I agree. I want to teach my DD that its okay to have sex and how to go out about it and still be safe. I was brought up thinking that sex was dirty and its taken me a long time to not think it is. I am 30 and only recently came to that conclusion.

[Austin]

Teens in other countries who carry condoms are considered smart and prepared. Teens in the USA who carry condoms are considered whores and horn-dogs.

So clearly we can learn a lot from the Dutch but it's unlikely with the vice grip the religious right has on this country.

[Witsec7]

Personally, I want to be aware that my kid is sexually active and being safe, so if that means allowing sleepovers and keeping the condoms stocked, I'll be doing it. I also think that it is really important to figure out what you like and don't like sexually, and you don't know until you try!

Thats exactly the tact I took with mine. I also gave them options outside of intercourse for sexual gratification, masturbation was ok, mutual masturbation and I wasn't opposed to SS experimentation.

[Crackedeggs]

Before you allow sleepovers, make sure you know the laws in your area regarding any possible charges of corrupting a minor.

[bananacat]

Before you allow sleepovers, make sure you know the laws in your area regarding any possible charges of corrupting a minor.

If it meant increasing the safety of my child's sex life, I'd do it in spite of the law. I'd also allow my (hypothetical) kids to drink underage and experiment with drugs under my supervision. As a parent I feel like it would be my duty to take the risks to protect them. I wouldn't just wash my hands of it and make them do it in the backseat of a car or some public place just to protect myself.

[Witsec7]

If it meant increasing the safety of my child's sex life, I'd do it in spite of the law. I'd also allow my (hypothetical) kids to drink underage and experiment with drugs under my supervision. As a parent I feel like it would be my duty to take the risks to protect them. I wouldn't just wash my hands of it and make them do it in the backseat of a car or some public place just to protect myself.

Parenthood is about taking risks, informed ones, and sometimes a sacrifice to the greater good. Our podunk school, covered parents liability when the kiddos were in the 7th grade. I didn't break any laws in my state with regards to sexual contact. I also communicated with the boys parents so that we were all on the same page.

[emmiedahl]

I don't know if I would encourage opposite sex sleepovers, but I have "looked the other way" when it comes to that. As in, teenager says they are spending the night at a friend's house after a date with the girlfriend, and you know that the girlfriend's parents are out of town. There is definitely a legal aspect to it, but in this case I just took the kid's word at it.

I recently read this article at the NYT http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/magaz ... wanted=all that discusses a sex ed program in which the kids are given very candid information about things like what gives girls orgasms and same sex attraction. In addition to having a curriculum, there is an anonymous question box. They watch videos of female ejaculation and look at pictures of the range of normal genitalia. I would absolutely support a sex-positive education in my children's schools.

The instructor notes that we are willing to teach our children about many things that they will not use until adulthood (like budgeting) but for some reason any discussion of sex is supposed to be delayed until one actually does it. I think that is too late! Hell yes I want my kid to know what a hairy, normal vulva looks like and how to make sex great for his girlfriend. He gets embarrassed when we talk about sex, what teenager doesn't, so a neutral classroom atmosphere seems like the perfect answer.

[lizzy]

While I would definitely encourage an open dialogue with my teen (if I had one), I would not encourage them to be having sex. I just don't think many teens these days have the emotional maturity to handle a sexual relationship.

[Witsec7]

I don't think its a matter of encouraging sleep overs or sex. Its gonna happen. .DD and I never had difficulty discussing sex, male/ female arousal or the context of human sexuality. In a town as small as ours was it was easing checking up on kids and calling parents and talking to them.

Its interesting to note we permissive and informed parents didn't experience the teen pregnancies the purity ballers did. (A longitudinal study done in our town showed higher pregnancy and std rates among the purity ballers as opposed to the kids of the libertines who supported condom distribution in the school and comprehensive sex ed.)

[doggie]

Teens in other countries who carry condoms are considered smart and prepared. Teens in the USA who carry condoms are considered whores and horn-dogs.

So clearly we can learn a lot from the Dutch but it's unlikely with the vice grip the religious right has on this country.

Yep can you imagine what parry would do if Obama said everyone carry a condom?

this country has way to much religion to have sex be open like it needs too.

[pixydust]

While I would definitely encourage an open dialogue with my teen (if I had one), I would not encourage them to be having sex. I just don't think many teens these days have the emotional maturity to handle a sexual relationship.

I'm not planning on encouraging my kids to have sex (that is a super personal decision, only they can make it), but I'm not going to discourage it, and my kids won't be taught they need to wait for some magical person, magical night, or magical age.

[lizzy]

I'm not planning on encouraging my kids to have sex (that is a super personal decision, only they can make it), but I'm not going to discourage it, and my kids won't be taught they need to wait for some magical person, magical night, or magical age.

I think for a lot of teens these days having sex has less to do with caring for somebody and more to do with caving to peer pressure. Do you want your daughters to have sex for that reason? Also do you think 14, 15, or 16 year old boys give two shits about the emotional intimacy that girls need in a sexual relationship to make them feel safe and wanted? In my opinion casual sex benefits the boys way more than it benefits the girls.

[Feberin]

I like the Dutch focus on healthy relationships. I plan to be open and honest with my son about sex as he grows up. He's only 1 1/2 so far our "sex" talks involve mentioning his penis when he's taking a bath and I label all of his body parts as I wash them.