What the Adopting Fundies are Missing

[emeraldskull]

I happened upon this blog:

millionsofmiles.com/2011/06/power-of-saying-yes-lessons-from.html

And this post is just... astounding! All of these adopting fundies really need some sense knocked into their hyper analytical, senile minds.

Often times, as adoptive parents, we forget that even the smallest amount of neglect and/or abuse can have a long and lasting impression on a child. We tend to believe the old adage that love is enough and that once these children from hurt places have a family that they will simply forget all the old feelings that they have.

We wouldn’t adopt a child with no arms and expect them to come home and be able to swing across the monkey bars. So why do we adopt children and expect them to know how to love and be connected when they don’t always have the tools to be able to do it?

Exactly.

Exactly what the fundies we snark on are NOT doing. Validating, loving and showing these children how incredibly special they are!

[thoughtful]

Here's part of the problem. From that same blog entry:

A newborn who is born into a family who wants him and takes loving care of him child hears an average of several thousand “yeses†before they get to toddlerhood. Baby is hungry and cries and mom comes to him and by feeding him, is essentially saying, “Yes! I hear you! I know you are hungry and I will take care of that need!†A baby that is tired cries and by mom rocking him to sleep while singing songs, she essentially says, “Yes! I hear you crying! I want to love on you and put you to sleep!†A baby who is lonely cries and by mom coming to him and playing with him and giving him attention and eye contact, she essentially says, “Yes! You are so precious and adored! I want to spend time with you and show you how valuable you are!â€

Babies are hardwired to need adults every two hours (when they get hungry). If that need is met, that baby’s sense of self and his place in the family and in the world is established. After a couple of years of having constant needs and having those needs met , that child has had two years of continuous reassurance that he is loved and valued and safe. So when that same darling little baby, at two years of age, tries to stick something in the outlet and mom shouts out “NO!†he might be angry, but he still knows that mom is safe and that he is still loved even though he’s been told no. His sense of self and his place in the family is not shattered because he has years of positive responses “in reserveâ€.

Many of the parents that upset us do crap like the Babywise feeding schedule, and/or assuming that the natural behavior of infants is sinful and manipulative.

If they don't even lay down that thick layer of "yeses," of security and needs met and positive reinforcement with their biological children, of course they don't see its value.

[emeraldskull]

Exactly! It said elsewhere in the article:

After only 30 days of not having his needs met, a newborn baby will stop crying when he is hungry. Thirty days is all it takes for a baby to determine that he can not rely on someone to meet his needs.

Seriously... what are they doing to their kids???

[Terrie]

Such kids not only stop crying when they're hungry, but they often stop crying at ALL. I've heard stories about babies who wouldn't cry if you stuck them with a pin when changing their diapers. They've learned that the world is a place of pain and nothing will change that. *shudders* But I can see some fundies saying "Look, he's such a good baby, he never, ever cries."

[emeraldskull]

Such kids not only stop crying when they're hungry, but they often stop crying at ALL. I've heard stories about babies who would cry if you stuck them with a pin when changing their diapers. They've learned that the world is a place of pain and nothing will change that. *shudders* But I can see some fundies saying "Look, he's such a good baby, he never, ever cries."

Exactly... who wants to BREAK their baby? :shock:

[JesusFightClub]

My mum shudders with horror when she tells the story she heard on the radio. It was a programme about children raised in very poor areas and this was a story about a young teenage mum from America with little family support. Eventually after reports that the baby looked sick and abused CPS visited the place the mum and daughter were staying. The mum said to CPS "No, I am raising my child right. You watch this and you see how smart she is. I have her trained well. You can see she's not fat either."

The mum showed the emaciated baby girl milk and then set it at the far end of the room. She put the baby on the floor and as the child (too young to crawl) dragged herself painfully inch by inch towards it, she proudly said to CPS "First I did it as a joke but you see how quick she learned!"

Broken. And the same thing was said about this child. Never cried.

[Cassandra]

My mum shudders with horror when she tells the story she heard on the radio. It was a programme about children raised in very poor areas and this was a story about a young teenage mum from America with little family support. Eventually after reports that the baby looked sick and abused CPS visited the place the mum and daughter were staying. The mum said to CPS "No, I am raising my child right. You watch this and you see how smart she is. I have her trained well. You can see she's not fat either."

The mum showed the emaciated baby girl milk and then set it at the far end of the room. She put the baby on the floor and as the child (too young to crawl) dragged herself painfully inch by inch towards it, she proudly said to CPS "First I did it as a joke but you see how quick she learned!"

Broken. And the same thing was said about this child. Never cried.

As a side note, this kind of attitude worries me. I believe that children should be taught to eat healthy, but no one should use the word fat in regards to an infant or child.

It will be interesting to see how my generation will deal with raising children. I know so many people my age (20's) who would rather be poor or injured or sme other negative than fat. I'm afraid to see how people with that attitude will parent their children and deal with the chubby phases that all kids go through.

Obviously an extreme result can be see in the one above.

[JesusFightClub]

It will be interesting to see how my generation will deal with raising children. I know so many people my age (20's) who would rather be poor or injured or sme other negative than fat. I'm afraid to see how people with that attitude will parent their children and deal with the chubby phases that all kids go through.

Yes! I heard from a young mum I know that she wouldn't take her baby into work to show her off until "baby lost weight". She was scared having a normal chubby baby would reflect badly on her as a mother.

It's like these weirdo fundies who think a crying, sick 1 year old is trying to play mind games with them. Totally projecting the expectations of adults onto their tiny children.

[Guest Anonymous]

JesusFightClub wrote:

My mum shudders with horror when she tells the story she heard on the radio. It was a programme about children raised in very poor areas and this was a story about a young teenage mum from America with little family support. Eventually after reports that the baby looked sick and abused CPS visited the place the mum and daughter were staying. The mum said to CPS "No, I am raising my child right. You watch this and you see how smart she is. I have her trained well. You can see she's not fat either."

The mum showed the emaciated baby girl milk and then set it at the far end of the room. She put the baby on the floor and as the child (too young to crawl) dragged herself painfully inch by inch towards it, she proudly said to CPS "First I did it as a joke but you see how quick she learned!"

Broken. And the same thing was said about this child. Never cried.

I find our society's weight obsession terrifying. Fifteen years ago one of the secretaries I worked with consulted her 4 yo daughter's doctor regarding starting to limit the kid's fat grams and got chewed out by the doc. She thought he was a jerk and she was doing her job by making sure the kid did not become overweight. I also have known a couple of moms who were afraid to take their babies out as infants because they were so big - both slenderized overnight when they learned to walk but before then looked like "Maury Povich" babies.

[lovefromgirl]

I am totally down with referring to babies as fat. Babies are supposed to be fat! Their development demands that they more than double their size in their first year of life; they eat all the time and sleep when they're not eating. "Fat" is not a cuss word, and turning it into one from birth only sets us up to hate our bodies later. Fat, sweet, bouncy little things--that's babies. And I don't even want my own. :)

[emmiedahl]

My babies are all slender (compared to other babies) and I would give anything to fatten them up :( It's just genetics, we don't have really roly babies in my family. Three of them were over 9 lbs at birth... but really tall. They gain weight as they are supposed to, they just seem to gain height faster.

As for the info posted on babies, it's so true. Toddlerhood is a lot easier on everyone if the child knows that mom and dad love them dearly and want the best for them.

[Patsy]

Fat baby = praise. I wish more people would make a point of reinforcing this around young mothers.

[JesusFightClub]

Fat, sweet, bouncy little things--that's babies. And I don't even want my own

Agree with you and the other commenters here 100 percent. Fat babies are cute cute cute!

It doesn't doom them to weigh 1000 pounds by the time they're ten. But the young mum I spoke about that I knew anxiously asked the doctor for "diets for babies". Another thing she thought was that it was "chavvy" (I don't know the American word for this, something like low class?) for a baby to be too big. She thought it reflected badly on her and her social background to have a fat baby.