Bro Gary Hawkins 24: Smoking Meat

[AmazonGrace]

Uh I hope he locked up tight.

If someone shoots themselves right there openly anyone could end up seeing the carnage, even a child.

[thoughtful]

48 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Uh I hope he locked up tight.

So do I! I was just saying that we don't know.

[Joyster]

According to Gary Hawkinswkins (sounds like a nursery rhyme), quit celebrating wickedness! Needed to be said. I love Halloween simply because Gary gets into such a snit about it. 

Baker’s obituary had been updated, and it is much more lengthy. He is being buried with military honors. I’m not sure what I feel about that. Obituary

Off topic quiverful observation: Baker’s oldest daughter was married in the summer of 2016, and as of the fall of last year birthed 7 children. There is one set of twins. The obituary said Baker had three grandchildren on the way. I know who the parents of two of them are, and I really hope the third one isn’t her. 

[Xan]

That was quite the flowery obituary.  Here's the key portion:

David was a beloved husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, pastor, best-selling author, speaker, chaplain, marketing coach, entrepreneur, and host of several podcasts.

I guess they forgot to add in that he was a molester, a liar, and a hypocrite,  I understand that the obituary was for his family.  I still think it's wrong to scrub everyone's misdeeds just because they died.  The truth is the truth and we never learn anything if we stick to keeping everything tidy with lies.

[thoughtful]

16 minutes ago, Joyster said:

According to Gary Hawkinswkins (sounds like a nursery rhyme), quit celebrating wickedness!

Read it again -  he said to quit celebrating wickness.

I guess Gary's candles don't have strings in them.

[Joyster]

Just now, thoughtful said:

Read it again -  he said to quit celebrating wickness.

I guess Gary's candles don't have strings in them.

Seriously, I read it three times and finally my brain didn’t self-correct. I made three really bad candle wick jokes and promptly deleted them. And now I’m parodying nursery rhymes—badly. 
Bro Hawkins-wkins ain’t nimble; Bro Hawkins-skins ain’t quick; Bro Hawkins-wkins  don’t celebrate no candle wick!

[Dana723]

22 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He babbles on about making church fun, then wraps up. "Th'bahble says, laughter is lahk a Madison."

 

Ashley Madison?  TS Madison?  Madison Cawthorn?  I wish he'd be more specific...

[Joyster]

For some reasons, Gary’s wickness post is generating a lot of comments. Here’s some of them: 

The comments are all over the place, but I see Steve picked up on the wickness. And, I bet Stephen’s house is real popular. I also bet Gary won’t pick up that Ross was dissing him—too many big words.

 

 

Edited September 17 by Joyster

[thoughtful]

Last night at Impact Baptist, Gary started his preaching with random babbling about getting through the week (it seems this church is having a week-long revival), how there used to be revivals that lasted for weeks when he was a kid, and exhorting them to "pray for your country, ah'm careful of what ah'm gonna say, ah ain't gonna tellya who t'vote for, but ah am gonna tellya t'vote biblical." Country's "in ay messsss," the Lord could come anytime, etc.

While saying how faithful God has been, he mentions that they haven't gone without food. He tries to joke about how he likes to "pick on" his wife, she wouldn't think he liked her if he didn't, it's just their relationship. Then he says she takes good care of him and "ah wouldn't be this big if it wadn't for her."

He says he'd like to come back for another day of the revival, but Becky is having surgery on Tuesday and will be laid up for a couple of weeks. He asks them to pray for him because he'll have to do all the housework, and "ah don't know how t'warsh dishes, ah've never done that very good, amen?"

He reads from Hebrews, then tells them his sermon is entitled "How t'cope - how t'cope, in these last days. How t'cope, in these last days." This is an old standard of his - I found some previous iterations:

https://www.freejinger.org/search/?q=cope "these last days"&quick=1&updated_after=any&sortby=relevancy&search_and_or=and

So I'm going to try to have self control, and only quote anything that is new.

At one point, when reiterating that the country is in a mess, he says that, when his oldest boy turned 18 and said he was ready to go and vote, Gary said he could only get a ride with him if he was voting for Donald Trump.

When he yells out his salvation story, he stumbles a bit: "Ah was in South American - Marion South Carolahna, Open Door Baptist Church on Sandhill Road, an' Jesus passed bah, he demended mah heart . . .  "

Demended? A combination of demanded and amended? Just a random Garyism? Surely not demented!

Other than that, it was basically the same as when he's done this one in the past. This sermon has so many places where some reflection on what has just happened would have been so natural for a person who was actually thinking about right and wrong and eternity.

But nope - not Gary.

1 hour ago, Dana723 said:

Ashley Madison?  TS Madison?  Madison Cawthorn?  I wish he'd be more specific...

 

Spoiler

 

Edited September 17 by thoughtful
riffle, formatting

[ifosterkittens]

3 hours ago, Joyster said:

Baker’s obituary had been updated, and it is much more lengthy. He is being buried with military honors. I’m not sure what I feel about that.

IANAL so this is my lay person understanding. Baker was charged with crimes, so he had the presumption of innocence. His charges will be dismissed because we do not prosecute dead people. Until a person takes a plea and pleads guilty or has a trial and is found guilty, they are presumed innocent, so his pending criminal case probably doesn't count against him. I do not know what it means for the police investigation. Does the victim get a card with some numbers of hotlines and suggested services and told the investigation portion is done, good luck with your life? 

If Baker wanted to spare his family finding his body, he should have gone to a police station and shot himself in his car in the police station parking lot. Law enforcement is in the best position to respond. They could much more easily arm themselves with protective gear and weapons than any other place of business, be on the scene in seconds/minutes, and there would be no need to lockdown a hospital you had no intention of saving your life. That lockdown might have cost someone else their life or caused someone to have far greater consequences from their health emergency because they couldn't get the necessary resources in time. The emergency department had to stop accepting admissions, someone in an ambulance that had to be redirected to another hospital may have lost a critical window of time. I imagine surgeries were delayed and while in some cases it's inconvenient other times there are real consequences for the patient. 

[postscript]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

When he yells out his salvation story, he stumbles a bit: "Ah was in South American - Marion South Carolahna, Open Door Baptist Church on Sandhill Road, an' Jesus passed bah, he demended mah heart . . .  "

Demended? A combination of demanded and amended? Just a random Garyism? Surely not demented

I immediately thought “demented.” Which is how most of these sermons sound.

Is it really necessary for him to give out the church’s full address every time he tells this story? Sorry, silly question. This is Gary we’re talking about - of course it is. 

[thoughtful]

9 minutes ago, postscript said:

Is it really necessary for him to give out the church’s full address every time he tells this story? Sorry, silly question. This is Gary we’re talking about - of course it is. 

I think of most of Gary's rattled-off routines (and those of other preachers of his ilk) like the lyrics to a song or rap - it's rhythmic and rehearsed and not to be changed.

Of course he has to include the name of the road the church was on - would you leave out a phrase of Happy Birthday or Shake it Off or Sympathy for the Devil?  😁

[FiveAcres]

2 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I think of most of Gary's rattled-off routines (and those of other preachers of his ilk) like the lyrics to a song or rap - it's rhythmic and rehearsed and not to be changed.

Of course he has to include the name of the road the church was on - would you leave out a phrase of Happy Birthday or Shake it Off or Sympathy for the Devil?  😁

Sort of like how bards and story-tellers in preliterate cultures use standard phrases to help them remember lyrics and stories. 

[Joyster]

Gary tells us what wickness is—it’s helloween which is against the Bible!

And, he still is not correcting wickness on the next round and adds a ya you:

Spoiler

According to Baker’s daughter, someone put a fake streaming donation site for Baker. That’s scummy. 
 

Spoiler

 

[Ozlsn]

19 hours ago, Dana723 said:

Ashley Madison?  TS Madison?  Madison Cawthorn?  I wish he'd be more specific...

 

[Xan]

"Amazing Grace" wasn't written during a storm in 1748.  Newton did call out to God during the storm but he didn't write the song until later with the help of poet, William Cowper.  Newton also continued to sail his slave ship for about 7 more years before he finally became an abolitionist.  The hymn didn't get the music we now associate with it until 1835 when the words were used to the tune from "New Britain".

[MayMay1123]

I wonder how much their brains would explode if they heard "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun". I can't hear the song without crying, but at least I don't have to leave the space now...

[SisterCupcake]

1 hour ago, MayMay1123 said:

I wonder how much their brains would explode if they heard "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun". I can't hear the song without crying, but at least I don't have to leave the space now...

Or Gilligan’s Island

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, MayMay1123 said:

I wonder how much their brains would explode if they heard "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun".

Or . . .

eta - didn't see that @SisterCupcake had beaten me to it until after I postd.

Edited September 18 by thoughtful

[Alisamer]

I'm pretty happy that spooky season has expanded into September, now. Next time I re-do my manicure I'll be doing Halloween nails, and I'll keep doing that through into November.

Everytime Gary starts whining about Halloween it makes me more and more excited for the holiday. He's just so dumb that it's entertaining sometimes.

[thoughtful]

No, Gary - no, it's not.

Here are some newer comments under the Helloween post. Continuing the "wickness" conversation:

Spoiler

Ah, yes, Tim of scripture - I remember him well (FTR, I don't think Gary was referring to 1 or 2 Timothy - I think it's just a gaffe - maybe a typo or talk-to-text error for "tons?").

Lee, I suspect that Gary has either moved on and won't acknowledge your long comment, or will post a short rude pissy something at you.

Spoiler

 

Edited September 18 by thoughtful

[waltraute]

19 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

 

I know I'm stating the obvious, but that is 3 minutes of white people being embarrassingly white.

[thoughtful]

OK, you women - you doesn't know because it's not Preach on!

Spoiler

 

Edited September 19 by thoughtful
riffle

[Carol]

Tim of scripture has to be my second favorite Garyism.  Right below, it Bible.
I've been off FJ for several years, just came back so there may be others that I missed.  
Bro Gary was my favorite part of FJ, I used to laugh at his responses and ours til I had tears running down my face.  Didn't someone do a meme of him in his bathrobe pumping shit onto the road from his broken down RV?  IIRC there were other memes, too.  He was one helluva find.
 

Edited September 19 by Carol

[postscript]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

No, Gary - no, it's not.

Here are some newer comments under the Helloween post. Continuing the "wickness" conversation:

  Reveal hidden contents

Ah, yes, Tim of scripture - I remember him well (FTR, I don't think Gary was referring to 1 or 2 Timothy - I think it's just a gaffe - maybe a typo or talk-to-text error for "tons?").

Lee, I suspect that Gary has either moved on and won't acknowledge your long comment, or will post a short rude pissy something at you.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Tim of Scripture = Tim Rodrigues? Maybe not now that he’s on his honeymoon engaging in God-sanctioned sex.

Lee, don’t you read Gary’s other posts? He recently did a rant against Trunk or Treat. Nothing you say will make him cha ge his mind. If he responds to you it’ll be a terse remark about Trunk or Treat not being in the KJB.