SAHD News from Home

[GenerationCedarchip]

That's right. I just found out that my cousin intends to be a SAHD when she finishes high school this year. She's very bright. I don't want to mention some of the things she's done and awards she's won because I'm afraid that might "out" her. Her father works at a large company so there isn't a family business for her to work in, and she's next to the youngest(who is already 16), so she won't have so much going on at home.

This cousin seems to be thrilled with the idea of being a SAHD because of folks she's met at homeschool conferences growing up. She is too young for the "glory days" when the fundies (and a few fundie-lites) dominated the school board and most of us in my area did the unheard of and went to public school. However, she doesn't seem to have much of a plan for what she intends to do. She just thinks she needs to stay home. I keep hoping that she'll take online classes or go to the local community college or get involved in something. She's a fan of Meredith's blog archives and I worry that she has this idea of a Prince Charming who will come swooping in to rescue her and set her up in her palace somewhere.

I just wish I knew what to say to her. Ideas?

[apple1]

What do her parents think of this?

[fundies_like_zombies]

Hoping she isn't starting a blog and hoping a suitor reads it.

[emmiedahl]

I would encourage you to make babysteps with her. Don't question her entire worldview, but suggest that maybe some training and/or education would make her a better 'helpmeet' and a more capable homeschooling mom. The goal would be to at least ensure she can leave the patriarchy movement if/when she realizes it is bs.

[FloraDoraDolly]

Trying to see the world from a young person's perspective, I'm thinking maybe your cousin is scared or overwhelmed at the idea of trying to navigate her way through this horrible economic climate and she's decided to drop out? The economy shows no signs of improving. College graduates can't find work. Staying at home sounds nice and cozy compared to working your butt off to earn a degree that may end up being useless, not to mention all the $$$ in student loans. It is ugly out there.

What do your cousin's parents think of her SAHD plans? Are they willing to support her? Do they go to church? Maybe someone in the church can help her find a part-time job or steer her into volunteer work? Is she politically active? You said she accomplished a lot as a high school student-- maybe there's something available in her area of interest? Basically, I'm thinking she needs some encouragement or someone to point out whatever opportunities might be available to her in this crazy world.

The best argument against the SAHD plans is, I think, a journey through the Maxwells' blog or the blogs of any other Quiverfull family where the daughters get to be well into their twenties and they still haven't met Prince Charming. Heck, even the woman who wrote the book hasn't met Prince Charming yet! You might also want to point out that many of these SAHDs are earning money via their books and lectures and such.

[fundiefun]

I second what do her parents think about of all this and you think they would step in and intervene before it gets to that point.

[Lostie]

I would encourage you to make babysteps with her. Don't question her entire worldview, but suggest that maybe some training and/or education would make her a better 'helpmeet' and a more capable homeschooling mom. The goal would be to at least ensure she can leave the patriarchy movement if/when she realizes it is bs.

Seconded.

She is young, and it may end up being a short phase. Maybe she's just tired of the pressure of school. After some time off she may realize that staying home can get boring and not be all it's cracked up to be. Circumstances made it so that I had to take a year off in between high school and university and I was more than ready to go back after only a couple months of not being in school (and I was working). There are some days I even think that "hey! This school thing is tough. Maybe I should just be a SAHD". Of course then I remember I don't want children, the dark sides of patriarchy and how bored I got at home. Also, it would be tough to do with a single mom who would toss me out of the house for even suggesting it.

[GenerationCedarchip]

What do her parents think of this?

Sorry - I should have been more clear in my original post. For those not aware, much of my extended family is active in the fundie end of the reformed movement and I grew up in it. I was coming through before VF got to be as big as it is now, so the reformed movement looked a little different than it does today[i grew up hearing a lot more about Michael Farris and the Sprouls than about the Phillipses and Botkins, for example.] A few of us in my family have pulled away from the really hardcore fundie stuff, but this particular cousin and her parents are very much in the old fundie church, so her parents are completely cool with the idea of her living under her father's authority at home until she marries.

Emmie - I love your idea of babysteps. She's a very bright and creative person and I think it would be sad to see her not using her gifts, whether she does that at home or out at school or work. Also, since her father has had some health scares, I would hate to think of her being left in a situation where she might need to earn income and lack the skills to do it. She's almost 18 and very naive and I don't think the idea of being trapped economically has ever occurred to her.

[apple1]

... her parents are very much in the old fundie church, so her parents are completely cool with the idea of her living under her father's authority at home until she marries...

Back when, my father wanted me to stay at home "under his authority" until I married, too, but he also 1) was very pro-education- I have a degree from a secular university, and 2) my parents were Get.A.Job.Already, even before I was really old enough or equipped to do so.

The outcome was that I became an educated self-reliant woman anyway.

Maybe she can take a couple of college classes part-time, get a part-time job, and as others said, gradually gain education and skills.

[Bella99]

Community college courses while not the bargain they used to be, are still relatively cheap. How about encouraging her to take just one class in a subject she has always been intrigued by (even if it's just pottery or tailoring)? Or, "You'll be an asset to your future husband if you can speak a foreign language...."

[Hane]

I'm thinking maybe your cousin is scared or overwhelmed at the idea of trying to navigate her way through this horrible economic climate and she's decided to drop out? The economy shows no signs of improving. College graduates can't find work. Staying at home sounds nice and cozy compared to working your butt off to earn a degree that may end up being useless, not to mention all the $$$ in student loans. It is ugly out there.

Seconded.

If I'd had her kind of upbringing, I would have been ecstatic that the choice of being a SAHD was available. No worrying about money! No worrying about having to get the hell out of the house and interact with people! None of that stressful trying to meet guys and date and be proactive in seeking out a future life partner! Just do a little housework and cook and sew and read and write until Prince Charming was dumped in my lap.

Thank God real life intervened.

ETA: The idea of college can be daunting even for highly intelligent young adults. I know one brilliant but very shy young woman who came running home before her first semester was up because the social aspect took her out of her comfort zone, and never re-enrolled. How she managed to find and marry a kindred spirit (they've been together nearly 20 years now) is beyond me.

[dawbs]

Community college courses while not the bargain they used to be, are still relatively cheap. How about encouraging her to take just one class in a subject she has always been intrigued by (even if it's just pottery or tailoring)? Or, "You'll be an asset to your future husband if you can speak a foreign language...."

^this is wise.

They're also a bit less overwhelming in many ways--you don't have to declare a major. Someone who just takes 1 class isn't 'odd'. If she's homeschooled, she can take placement tests and be more easily accepted. All that jazz.

(heck, you can take piano lessons at CC :)

[ohmeohmy]

My mom is friends with a family who seem to be very fundy: homeschool, skirts-only, ATI/Vision Forum, no higher education for females, etc. When the daughter 'graduated' high school (no official graduation, just completed 13 years of homeschooling), she and her family decided she'd be a SAHD until marriage. My mom is not a fundy, at all, and was totally shocked that anyone would want their daughter uneducated but figured any outright disagreement would totally sever their relationship. Instead, gradually, my mom convinced the daughter that she could use her talents (in her case, music) to earn money from home (music lessons to children in her church) and then the daughter would have a dowry of sorts. After that idea worked, my mom gradually convinced the girl (woman, by that point...it took a couple years of infiltration ;) ) and her family that by getting her GED and taking a few business classes here and there the daughter would be better equipped to help her future-yet-unknown-husband pursue whatever home business God had laid on his heart. It worked! Granted, she's dead set on CollegePlus, but at least it's something. She's earning her own money and learning some decent math skills (this girl, when she was a teenager, told my mom she didn't need to be good at math or even know much beyond basic addition and subtraction because her husband would take care of that sort of thing for her. blech.) and who knows? Maybe she'll decide she wants more than what she originally thought.

Anyhow, that's what worked for my mom. So, yeah, baby steps, as someone earlier said. :)

[Bella99]

^this is wise.

They're also a bit less overwhelming in many ways--you don't have to declare a major. Someone who just takes 1 class isn't 'odd'. If she's homeschooled, she can take placement tests and be more easily accepted. All that jazz.

(heck, you can take piano lessons at CC :)

Awwww, now I'm feeling all wise and all, thanks Dawbs! Seriously, CC can be a great place to pick up some fun classes. Also, even pottery can lead you down the path to Chemistry. (Glazes, anyone?)

[GenerationCedarchip]

Community college courses while not the bargain they used to be, are still relatively cheap. How about encouraging her to take just one class in a subject she has always been intrigued by (even if it's just pottery or tailoring)? Or, "You'll be an asset to your future husband if you can speak a foreign language...."

True. And I completely get that college is not the right path for everyone. At CC, she could also take classes to learn practical skills if she doesn't want to pursue a liberal arts degree or anything like that. I just worry about her being home, not being in school or working at a job or even participating in ministry or volunteer work, and just existing rather than living.

[NurseNell]

Trying to see the world from a young person's perspective, I'm thinking maybe your cousin is scared or overwhelmed at the idea of trying to navigate her way through this horrible economic climate and she's decided to drop out? The economy shows no signs of improving. College graduates can't find work. Staying at home sounds nice and cozy compared to working your butt off to earn a degree that may end up being useless, not to mention all the $$$ in student loans. It is ugly out there.

This was my first thought also. Any chance she's depressed?