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CarVan12: Health Scare Continues ... and Worsens :(


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On 11/13/2022 at 5:49 PM, JermajestyDuggar said:

I have never been to a funeral where literally everyone wore black or mostly black. And I’ve been to multiple funerals in the past few years alone. Dark colors? Sure. Navy, burgundy, gray, green, etc. lots of that. No one is wearing a summery floral beach dress. But it’s definitely not all black. 

Really? Almost every funeral I have been to people have been predominantly in black unless requested otherwise. As a child and teenager, I had dedicated funeral dresses (I had a very old extended family and we attended a close knit church with an older congregation). Is every since person in black? Of course not, but it is certainly the majority and I always wear black. 

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1 hour ago, CanadianMamam said:

Really? Almost every funeral I have been to people have been predominantly in black unless requested otherwise. As a child and teenager, I had dedicated funeral dresses (I had a very old extended family and we attended a close knit church with an older congregation). Is every since person in black? Of course not, but it is certainly the majority and I always wear black. 

This is how it was for my family growing up too. And even now I always wear black unless asked to wear something specific. Funeral clothes were always a bit formal too, nicer than everyday church clothes. My husband grew up pretty much the same and we grew up in different areas of the country (I grew up in CA, and he grew up in the midwest) but a few funerals we have been to lately have been less dressed up and I see a lot of people wearing all sorts of colors and even jeans. I have gotten to a point where I could probably step away from the black, but I would still feel more comfortable in a darker more muted color. 

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I don't remember what people wore to Mr. Xtian's funeral. I think I wore jeans and a sweater-ish top. We had a service at the cemetery and a prayer at the gravesite, so it wasn't a big, formal thing. There are pictures, my sister in law took the best picture of all. For some reason, the honor guard didn't show up, so my kids and stepkids were the ones who folded the flag. I have pictures of that and they mean the world to me. Mr. Xtian, when I could get him to talk about what kind of funeral he wanted, said he wanted "Freebird" played and for everyone to have a party afterwards. So, I played "Still the One" and "Freebird" for him and we went out for a big family dinner afterwards. 

I dressed up more for the mother's funeral, but she had wanted the big deal, the funeral mass, the whole 9 yards. 

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I haven’t attended many funerals but the ones I have have never been all black. Most people are in dark colors or just not-bright colors. 

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9 hours ago, WatchingTheTireFireBurn said:

*snip*

Every week I say I'm not watching this crap this time- Evan you and your clickbait titles! Then comes a slow period on Saturday and youtube says "oh hey...you wanna watch this? Come on...*clickbait!*"

 

Me IRL. Don't feel bad -we are 100% the same :laughing-rofl:

Not having plans and I are not friends. I also end up dozing and because I watch a lot of medical videos, the autoplay can lead to REALLY strange dreams.

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I have a question about American funeral culture: Where I'm from it's customary to invite funeral attendees for cake and coffee. Usually the pastor will mention where the event (which would be translated literally as a consoler) is taking place immediately after the funeral. Does that happen in the US, too, or do you "just" go home after the funeral. And also - are funerals invitation only for you?

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26 minutes ago, käsekuchen said:

I have a question about American funeral culture: Where I'm from it's customary to invite funeral attendees for cake and coffee. Usually the pastor will mention where the event (which would be translated literally as a consoler) is taking place immediately after the funeral. Does that happen in the US, too, or do you "just" go home after the funeral. And also - are funerals invitation only for you?

Every funeral I’ve ever attended, the attendees are invited for a lunch afterwards at a restaurant, the church hall or the family’s home. For most funerals, anyone can attend, unless the family makes it known that the services are private.

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  For my Catholic family in Massachusetts, it always involved a sit down meal. Unlike the wake, it’s usually just family and close friends that attend the funeral and even fewer who would go to the cemetery.  The priest would at the grave site invite everyone to the meal.  Family would  talk to friends and the priest earlier to make sure they know they are welcome, so I guess it really is by invitation. (Sometimes coworkers will go as a group to the funeral, but they wouldn’t go to the cemetery or the meal after.)  

   A sit down meal is an opportunity for people who are not local to socialize with family and perhaps childhood friends before driving home or to the airport. The family would likely reach out to those friends whom they think would enjoy the get together. It’s something an elderly person would plan for, leaving behind enough money to cover the cost and often specifying the restaurant. 

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15 hours ago, käsekuchen said:

I have a question about American funeral culture: Where I'm from it's customary to invite funeral attendees for cake and coffee. Usually the pastor will mention where the event (which would be translated literally as a consoler) is taking place immediately after the funeral. Does that happen in the US, too, or do you "just" go home after the funeral. And also - are funerals invitation only for you?

I’m in California on the west coast of the USA.

The large funerals for locally well known folks I’ve attended had assigned seating areas, family here, colleagues there, politicians there, etc. but they were open to all until the church filled up & a couple I think had an overflow room w/ screen available, generally some food at whichever very large church hall the funeral was at. We had one horrible year at work when 3 colleagues died - all males in their 40s. 

W/ Friends/relatives’ funerals anyone could attend w/ food after at someone’s house, the church’s hall, or catered at a nearby venue. Most were protestant services, a couple Catholic. The Mormon & Greek Orthodox funerals did not have food after, or maybe I just wasn’t close enough to the departed to be invited (a former boss & a former bf.)

Edited by sndral
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I’m super annoyed by the font they used for the Christmas collection of the boutique. I keep on ready Chrisimas

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23 hours ago, käsekuchen said:

I have a question about American funeral culture: Where I'm from it's customary to invite funeral attendees for cake and coffee. Usually the pastor will mention where the event (which would be translated literally as a consoler) is taking place immediately after the funeral. Does that happen in the US, too, or do you "just" go home after the funeral. And also - are funerals invitation only for you?

Funerals are generally open to whoever wants to attend. Generally there is good/coffee after the funeral. Usually it goes: service, burial, and then social hour. But sometimes the burial is another day (if that is the case, there will often be food after the burial as well). 

7 hours ago, sndral said:

 

W/ Friends/relatives’ funerals anyone could attend w/ food after at someone’s house, the church’s hall, or catered at a nearby venue. Most were protestant services, a couple Catholic. The Mormon & Greek Orthodox funerals did not have food after, or maybe I just wasn’t close enough to the departed to be invited (a former boss & a former bf.)

I went to a few Canadian Mormom funerals in my teens and there was always food. 

The only funeral I have ever been to without some kind of offering is one that happened during the pandemic where indoor gathering limits were still in place. 

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My grandma has a little less than two weeks to live. And I sat down with my grandfather, my mom, and my aunt, to make plans for the service. And my grandpa wants to have lunch after the funeral and have it catered. So we’re gonna get a hall or something after the funeral to host a lunch/dinner after the graveside. Every funeral I’ve been to where I didn’t have to rush off afterwards had some sort of meal, hors d’oeuvres, or appetizer type things afterwards. Plus people would always bring food to the grieving families.

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I'm in PA, US, and the church we belong to has a cemetery out back, so it's pretty common for funerals there to just come back in afterwards and come downstairs where there is seating for maybe 75? I help get the food ready- we have a local restaurant  that makes preassembled sandwiches, Mac and potato salad, chips, baked beans, cake, and we provide coffee and drinks. I've gone to other funerals where there were gatherings in someone's home with potluck afterwards all the way to a big catered party in a local pub to celebrate someone who played in a band. I think there's no right or wrong way to do it- it's whatever the family wants to do and can afford to do. 

@sleepygirl1 I'm so sorry about your Grandma. 💕

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3 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

I'm in PA, US, and the church we belong to has a cemetery out back, so it's pretty common for funerals there to just come back in afterwards and come downstairs where there is seating for maybe 75? I help get the food ready- we have a local restaurant  that makes preassembled sandwiches, Mac and potato salad, chips, baked beans, cake, and we provide coffee and drinks. I've gone to other funerals where there were gatherings in someone's home with potluck afterwards all the way to a big catered party in a local pub to celebrate someone who played in a band. I think there's no right or wrong way to do it- it's whatever the family wants to do and can afford to do. 

@sleepygirl1 I'm so sorry about your Grandma. 💕

Thank you so much. She’s in the final stages of Alzheimer’s and she fell a couple weeks ago. So we’ve known for at least two weeks now that she didn’t have much time. But hospice basically had a frank conversation with us yesterday and told us to make sure everything was set in place cause it could be any day now. 

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I'm Italian-Canadian. With my Italian side of the family, everyone wore only black for funerals and usually after we would have some kind of buffet in the church basement or a rented hall. My cousin passed away unexpectedly in February this year and after his funeral, only immediate family and close friends were invited to my Aunt and Uncles house for some coffee and snacks. 

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Southeastern US when I was younger it was very common after the death but before the funeral to have a sort of open house at the deceased home with their family. People would come, bring food, sit with the family. Informal come and go as you please but somber.I don't think many people do this part now.

Then there was visitation for a couple days at the funeral home. The family sits near the coffin and people come to pay respects talking to family and anybody else there who are also attending. Somewhat dressed up and formal behavior. If you don't know someone very well you might only go to visitation. If you only know the family of the deceased but not the deceased you would go to visitation and not funeral in most cases. If you are very close you go to visitation and funeral. 

Funerals I've attended (pretty much all at Baptist). There's a long sermon, rounds of prayers, eulogy and songs (hymns) which is the funeral. Most people leave after this.

Then there is a graveside service. It is the most intimate usually. And sometimes after this people will gather to eat either at church, at the home, or rarely a restaurant. 

Some people will go from funeral to the church hall and skip the graveside service to prep food for people coming from.the graveside (which would be the closest family members).

 

Oh edited to add:

I've never heard of invitations to funerals. I don't have fancy family. So that's new to me.

In my experience the details of visitation and funeral are published now on the funeral home website but used to be in the paper with the obituary.

Around here the family will call around and says

"The funeral is Saturday at 10am at [church] with graveside at [cemetery]. Visitation is Thursdays and Friday at [funeral home] from 4-6pm. Im probably going on Friday after work. Do you want to ride with me?"

My grandma is at the stage where funeral are huge social events for her and bonus church time so she tries to get rides to visitations and funerals of any possible extended family she can.

Also there's this weird thing where you often carpool with people. I guess so you don't go by yourself. It's considered sort of necessary to offer to carpool with other people and arrive together at visitation especially.

You just don't go alone unless no other option.

 

Edited by WatchingTheTireFireBurn
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They made another video...I watched it....I can't remember anything about it except they bought a Christmas tree and there was a part where Carlin was energetically jumping on a trampoline holding...layla?(i fogot)...wearing some sort of chunky wedge shoe.

Which seemed unsafe on about 5 levels....not the least of which being the whole sudden seizure situation.

At least this week's wasn't fake out click bait video.

Layla is stinking cute though and is saying all the adorable little toddler delightful nonsense things.

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2 hours ago, WatchingTheTireFireBurn said:

They made another video...I watched it....I can't remember anything about it except they bought a Christmas tree and there was a part where Carlin was energetically jumping on a trampoline holding...layla?(i fogot)...wearing some sort of chunky wedge shoe.

Which seemed unsafe on about 5 levels....not the least of which being the whole sudden seizure situation.

At least this week's wasn't fake out click bait video.

Layla is stinking cute though and is saying all the adorable little toddler delightful nonsense things.

I actually felt like Carlin was more clear eyed and energetic than she has been in months in the video. Hopefully, that's a sign that they have a good dosage for her meds. 

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California coast here — I’ve been to a mix of funerals — held within a few days/week after the person died - and memorial services- often a month or so after the death.
The funerals have all had food after. Sometime potluck, sometimes catered - Usually at a relatives house, occasionally for someone with lots of friends/family/community presence at a community hall or park or church, a couple at restaurants. If they were Catholic there was generally a viewing or something the day before. For funerals most people  wear dark colors or black.  I can only recall going to a few burial services, and they were combo funeral/memorial/burial of an urn. I never thought about if there were separate burial services for the others.

I’d say roughly 75% were cremated or body donated, so immediate services aren’t necessary. 


Memorials tend to be more casual , often a potluck, with people speaking, but not a super formal service. Clothing is more casual too, especially for non-immediate family. 

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Yes, memorials or celebrations of life tend to be far less formal than funerals and you see less black and more dark colors. You are also more likely to see jeans. 

I did a quick count last night when my son asked and I have been to at least 35 funerals/memorials. 

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On 11/12/2022 at 9:45 PM, JDuggs said:

Carlin also posted a photo of their black funeral clothes she had laid out. She better not start posting links to the funeral clothes or I will scream.

  Hide contents

 

  Hide contents

image.thumb.png.ee292244922aefc6711ca39530fcc0b1.png

 

Carlin had to wait a couple of weeks, but she had the family wear their funeral clothes to church so she could link them. It must have been killing her to have to wait.

Spoiler

image.thumb.png.607480cda147b290a28de41fc3af53d7.png

 

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On 11/20/2022 at 12:10 PM, CanadianMamam said:

Really? Almost every funeral I have been to people have been predominantly in black unless requested otherwise. As a child and teenager, I had dedicated funeral dresses (I had a very old extended family and we attended a close knit church with an older congregation). Is every since person in black? Of course not, but it is certainly the majority and I always wear black. 

I've been to two funerals in the past 3 weeks. I personally always wear black (I like black and have a lot of black clothes) but not necessarily 100% black. At one, it was at a funeral home, and most of the friends and family were your average American who considers themselves Christian but hasn't been in an actual church in years. Most people wore darker colors and nice clothes, whatever that meant for them. Deceased was a 30-year-old friend of mine... her brother wore a clean white T-shirt and his nicest jeans. His son wore similar clothes but with a sport jacket. Some men wore suits. Most women wore nice but not brightly colored clothes, like you might wear to an office. Skirts, slacks, maybe a dress. I wore black slacks with black mary jane shoes, and a teal tank top under a black sweater that was kind of openwork. It did have sequins on it, but I felt like my friend would have liked it.

This past weekend was an interment for an elderly cousin of mine - she died in June and had a funeral then where she had lived, and they did a graveside service this past weekend here where she was from, to bury her ashes with her husband and family. I wore a black t-shirt dress over burgundy leggings with black boots, with a long duster style charcoal gray cardigan. Most of the family wore sweaters/skirts... nice clothes but not fancy, and not all black. The men wore suits, mostly. One more flamboyant man in the family wore a yellow sweater with a navy scarf that had white polka dots on it. But the deceased would have loved it. 

On 11/21/2022 at 9:17 AM, käsekuchen said:

I have a question about American funeral culture: Where I'm from it's customary to invite funeral attendees for cake and coffee. Usually the pastor will mention where the event (which would be translated literally as a consoler) is taking place immediately after the funeral. Does that happen in the US, too, or do you "just" go home after the funeral. And also - are funerals invitation only for you?

Most funerals I think are pretty open in my area - the obituary will generally say something along the lines of "receiving friends from 6-8pm Friday evening at the funeral home. A funeral service will be held at whatever church at this time on Saturday, followed by a graveside service." and then after might say "all are welcome to attend" or if it's small and private might say "graveside service for close friends and family" or something like that. If it's super small and very private there'll just be phone calls to those invited to attend.

As for food, it depends. Usually nothing in my area after receiving friends, though that might be an evening thing (or sometimes it's right before the actual funeral). After the actual funeral and graveside service, there might be a meal provided by the church or something... usually the graveside service is smaller than the full funeral so at that point the random less close attendees have gone off elsewhere so the meal is not a zillion people. The ones I attended recently, after the one there wasn't a meal, but I think the family likely had a meal together. After my cousin's interment (which was small-ish) her daughter said "mom would like to take everyone to lunch" and we all went to the Famous Toastery for a meal together that she used some of her mother's estate to pay for. For my grandparents there was a meal for the family and close friends, I think, served by a committee at church that handled that sort of thing. 

I'm in the US south, and part of our culture historically has been that as soon as someone passes away, people start showing up at the family's house with food. (Also, Baptists eat. A lot. Food is a THING with Baptist churches.) So there is that - literally a former friend's mom passed away while we were at church, she and I found out between Sunday School and the service and went home, and the first people to show up who weren't hospice or the funeral home brought a deli tray and a gallon of tea. The next people called first and asked if we needed food. Somebody else brought over a casserole. The expectation is that there will be visitors, the family will be busy, and therefore food will be a good thing to have around without the family having to plan or cook. 

2 hours ago, sleepygirl1 said:

Thank you all for the blue hearts. My grandma passed away last night.

Wishing you comfort and peace. I'm sorry. 

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7 hours ago, sleepygirl1 said:

Thank you all for the blue hearts. My grandma passed away last night.

So sorry to hear that. They are special people in our lives!

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