Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot

[thoughtful]

I'm so far behind! OK, folks, 7/24, evening service. Yes, the people of Fellowship Baptist Church in Bedford KY got to hear three messages from Gary.

I fast-forward past the Hawkinses groaning a song and Becky singing Preach On, then Gary comes to the pulpit and says his thank-yous for the lodging, fellowship and food ("Ah wasn't this big when ah got here").

He says, "Ah'm not the typical preacher, far as havin' everythin' all together."

I'd agree with that if he meant he's disorganized and addle-brained. But, of course, he's claiming to be spontaneous, which he rarely is, and God-inspired, which is bullshit.

"Ah read mah bahble, ah study, ah pray, an' ah just say 'Lord, whatever it is you want me t'say is what ah wanna say. Ah don't wanna say what ah wanna say because that hurts people, amen. Now, if the truth hurtsya ah'manna tellya, ah'manna tellya  whatcha gotta do - ya gotta take it up w'God. Y'say 'Wha?' Because what ah'm givin' you is from God."

And he jabbers on with his usual spiel about how he reads Proverbs every day and doesn't always like it because he's not perfect, mocking "holier-than-thou" preachers with "a little halo on" in his stupid-person voice.

He does his bit telling them to take a prayer card and put on the refrigerator, because "ah know how Baptists are, they go to the refrigerator four an' fahve an' twelve an' fifteen . . . amen!"

The captions have issues with "Baptist" again:

Spoiler

Throughout his spiel, he's announced 2 Timothy chapter four over and over, and now he finally does his "if you can, you willin' an' able, stand for the readin' of the worda God."

Captions:

Spoiler

He's reaching down for water as he says it. He holds up the bottle like he's examining a specimen:

Spoiler

Or maybe rehearsing the graveyard scene in Hamlet: "Alas, poor Yorick . . . "

"Somebody has drinked outta mah water. Somebody's got covit ah'm not drinkin' it amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

He tells Jacob to go get the bottle of water he has in his briefcase. Someone (sounds like Jacob) says he put two more bottles in the lectern. Gary finds them, and goes into scientist mode again to check them carefully:

Spoiler

Finally, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-9&version=KJV

KJV (and Gary, basically): shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
Captions:

Spoiler

The captions also take Gary literally when he pronounces  "unto" as "into" and "endure" as "endear"

Spoiler

Gary basically does OK with this reading, until he rushes the last verse:

KJV: Do thy diligence to come shortly unto me:
BGV: Do thusss diligen to come unto thee shortly:

As ever, he zooms right to his post-reading prayer, then into his message, without a split-second's break, but he manages to get the fact that Paul is writing to Timothy (and not the other way around) correct on the first try, which is practically a miracle.

He immediately falls into his spiel about churches not teaching doctrine, tells his old story about The Rock, and starts ranting about the times we're livin' in.

The captions have a perilous time with Gary's pronunciation of perilous times:

Spoiler

I'm living in pearless times myself, since I usually only eat them in winter.

Gary wants to preach (with the help of the Lord) on "Some Things That Ah'm Settled On, on Some Things That Ah'm Settled On ah wanna say sumpin' to ya, ah b'lieve y'all agree wid me but ah'm gonna say this much, last year there was some people that agree wid me that this year that they don't agree wid me  ya say 'Wha?' They become yo-yos, they become a-doin' things, they got unsettled. We don't need t'be unsettled. We're in th'last  brother Oliver B. Greene an' ah wanna say somethin' to ya ah don't b'lieve he ever woulda con'radicted the bahble, ah'm not  con'radictin' the bahble, but Oliver B. Greene said that we're in the last minutes now he's been gone for quite a whahl if that's true an' it was, we're in the last seconds."

When does the man breathe?

Hey, the captions came close! Also, Gary's Lon Chaney as the Wolfman face makes an appearance:

Spoiler

Gary stumbles over the name of an elderly preacher, and needs Becky's help. He gets his momentum back, and yells about being settled, sounding very unsettled.

After some old stuff about how some churches uses mere "books," like the NIV (only the KJV is a bible, per Gary), and a riff, complete with preacher "uh" sounds about the Apostle Paul being just a human, like them, Gary announces Matthew 6:33.

I'll continue in another post.

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[Joyster]

I guess the only thing Jesus' blood doesn't protect Gary from is opened bottles of water.  I laughed aloud looking at Gary inspecting the bottle like an inspector.  I also wondered what was going on with Gary's hair in a couple of the pictures until I realized it was the wreath sticking out.

Spoiler

Gary's daughter Michaela turned 23 and was excited about her birthday. There weren't any well wishes from the Hawkins family on Facebook; they must have called her or sent her a card.  Somebody gave her jean shorts, and she decided to make a skirt out of it with the sewing machine someone anonymously gave her.  I wish she had included a picture of her wearing the skirt because I'm having difficulty imagining it on a person.  Better yet,  I wish she could have just worn the shorts.

Spoiler

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Joyster

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

"Somebody has drinked outta mah water. Somebody's got covit ah'm not drinkin' it amen."

I'm sort of surprised by this.  Who would've thought Gary believed in germs?  He doesn't wear a mask and refused to be vaccinated but he draws the line at drinking after someone else?  And to do that in front of the congregation?  He could've looked at the bottle and just stuck it back where it came from.  It's not as if he's going to die of thirst before he finishes preaching.  No, he had to be insulting to whomever was nice enough to put bottles of water up there for him.  Ass.

[thoughtful]

Let's find out what else Gary had settled, at the 7/24 evening service at Fellowship Baptist Church in Bedford KY.

Matthew 6:33: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you ah wanna say the number one thing is is ah wanna be Chrise-like."

Some of his usual stuff follows., also: "We oughta be seekin' God's righteousness because listen hey ah'm gonna stand before him one day an' ah. do. not. wanna stand before him bein' ashamed of what some things that he wanted me t'do do for him an' t'be lahk him. He's an ambassador. You know what it would be, it would be a shame."

He does his routine about being an ambassador for God/Jesus, like he is for his family.

Being an ambassador "don't mean that we take what we think an' use it as dictators an' an' fussin' other people no because ah'm gonna tellya somethin' whenever you get saved borned agin bah th'grace ah God here's what they call it's called it's called growing in gracccccccccccce."

That may have been the longest hiss I've ever heard Gary give out - I thought the church had a gas leak.

For some reason "growing in grace" means that the pastor has to rebuke people, and God needs to prune people back, like fruit trees. Then you'll be like Christ, and people will notice the difference. Yadayada same old stuff.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A19-25&version=KJV

Gary elides through this at breakneck speed. The captions keep up pretty well, but seem to think that Lazarus was in even worse shape than the KJV says:

Spoiler

 

And the rich man managed a difficult trick:

Spoiler

 

Without a breath, after the last verse, Gary goes on "Ah'manna say somethin' else that ah'm settled ohn - Hell is real."

He does his routine about visualizing everyone burning in Hell (he thinks that inspires people not to end up there), every preacher needs to preach about Hell. Hell, Hell, Hell.

After a long screaming rant about how people won't believe in Hell, he ends: "ah'm gonna be honest wi' ya, as ah see the way our country's goin' an' it's fallin' away, an' it's gittin' away from God, an' it's goin' away from the worl', an' it's gittin' worldlier, amen, you know what ah think? Ah don't even know if Jesus could change anybody's life. What ah'm talkinn' about is, if they won't follow now an' they won't listen now, they wouldn't listen t'Jesus."

He mentions "the rich young ruler," as he often does, who didn't follow Jesus because "he had plenty."

Then he does one of his classic reversals:

Spoiler

Doesn't he look pleased with himself?

More screaming about Hell ensues,  then on to the lake of fire.

Gary reads, at breakneck speed again, from 1 Corinthians. If I really wanted to convey what it sounds like, I'd have to make it one long word. You can find the original passage here:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A51-58&version=KJV

"Behold I shew you a mystery we should not all sleep but we shall all be changed In a moment in the twinkling of an ahh in a twinkling of an ahh at the la- last trump for the trump shall sound and th'dead in Chrast shall rise - shall raise - shall be raised incorruptible and and shall be changed for this corruption must put on incorruption, and this mortal shall must put on immortality so then - so  when this corruption has shall be put on incorruption, an' this mortal shall have put on immortality then shall it be brought to pass that sayin' that is written death is swallowed up in victory O death, where is tha grave O sting, where is tha victory th'sting of death is sin; an' th'strength of sin is the law but thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ therefore mah beloved brethren be ye stedfast unmoveable always aboundin' in the work of th'Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in th'Lord ah wanna say somethin' else ah'm settled on - he's comin'."

Even with repeated words, errata, and his comment, this took  him only 53 seconds.

Did you catch what happened to the famous "Death, where is thy sting" passage. Yeah.

Spoiler

He screams about people mocking them when they go door knocking, like they mocked Noah, does his bit about all the cars left in the parking lot when the rapture comes, and his routine about Jesus keeping all of his promises (he gets "he came as a babe" right this time, instead of telling us that Jesus was born a virgin).

While talking about scoffers and mockers, he says, "Ah was just in Chicago. An' if any of ya think about it for the next month now, pray for the Edwards family. He got married yesterday an' dahd t'day."

After a long pause, he goes right on talking about the big scoffer on the street in Chicago. You weren't expecting details, were you?

After some more familiar jibber-jabber about Jesus' imminent arrival, Gary reads Galatians 6:9: And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

"Lemme tellya what ah got settled - ah ain't quittin'." And he natters on about not quitting for a while. He also describes Mike Stout's condition and various surgeries in detail.

He tells them about Edward Fort, who might as well be preaching in a foreign country, because he's in Chicago: "He got t'studyin' people, Thailan' people, that lady he married was a Thailan' woman an' he found, he listen hey could look at that woman an' he could talk t'that person an' he could tell - not just say 'Yer from Thailand', but he could tellya from what parta Thailand."

He asks Jacob, "How many tracts did he have?"
Jacob: "At least 27."

And then, as impossible as it seems, it gets even weirder.

"At least 27 different languages he had, for the people in Chicago. You know what Brother Edward Fort did this mornin' at 10:19 is that when it was Becky about some tahm some tahm a little after ten o'clock this mornin' - that man run his last race."

So, it was Pastor Fort who died? His first name was Edward, not his last. His first wife died in 2017, so I guess it was possible that he'd just remarried the day before he died. Google didn't help at all, and there's nothing on the church website.

"Ah've seen him in an' outta the hospital the last coupla years, he was sick ah think he had some kinda lung transplant or somethin' he done pretty good for a whahl he flew over t'somma these different countries that he had preached to there in Chicago - he run his last race. You know what ah believe God said whenever he entered in whenever he entered inta Heaven this mornin' he said 'Welcome home well done thy good an' faithful servant.'"

If you want to hear that when you die, you can't quit.

Gary gets into his spiel about how God protected him even before he was saved, and I think we hear about something dangerous someone did with a car.

"Ah shoulda dahd a many a tahm."

Captions:

Spoiler

 

"The gah told me he said 'Listen hey,' he's talkin' 'bout jumpin' things, he said 'You see how th'General Lee jump?' He said, 'Ah got th'General Lee beat.' God protected us. "

The captions are not Dukes of Hazzard fans, it seems:

Spoiler

"Go t'Fizzions, chapter fahve - two. Look at verses nahn. Eight nahn."

He breaks all land speed records on this one.

KJV: For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:  Not of works, lest any man should boast.
BGV: Forbahgrace're y'saved through faithan' that not of thaselfitis agiftofGod notawork, lestany mansh'ldboast ah'manna tellya waht ah'm settled on it's bah grace."

The captions can't keep up:

Spoiler

Gary's under the blood. On to Phillipians chapter 4. 

KJV: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
BGV:  I can do all things through Christ which _______ (sounds like "dream" - the captions think so, as well)

Spoiler

Gary seems to forget his "settled" theme, and goes on for a while about how "God still can." He does his shtick about all money belonging to God, the stupid Pharisee and Sadducee jokes, God used Donald Trump for four years ("Y'say 'How d'ya know?' We had jobs! We had money flowin' lahk crazy!"), his tent, Oliver B. Greene's tent.

He says the guy who gave him the pulpit has a tent he may want to sell someday, and Gary told him "Make me the first one ya call."

He prattles on about his burden for America, missionaries, I Love Lucy, Shadrack et al - he gets into top-volume screeching and "ha"ing again, while changing the story to make it sound like Nebuchadnezzar is the modern government and S, M & A are IFB Baptists going door-knocking and doing a bus ministry.

He reads, again at super-speed.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+21%3A1-5&version=KJV

"Lemme tellya what ah'm settled on - there is a Heaven. Y'say 'How d'you know?' Ah've already got mah ticket. Ah've already made ah listen hey John chapter 14 an' verses one says let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in me in mah Father's house are many mansions: if  ah toldja -" He freezes. "How does it go?"

No answer. He just goes back to some of his usual Heaven spiel, and all about how Jesus wrote Gary's name in the Lamb's book of life with his bloody ink pen. He screams about his upcoming itinerary, and how happy he'll be to be in church constantly. He's very close to his phone, and the Pivo keeps trying to follow him as he lunges and bobs about and screams about the gold street and non-fattening food in Heaven.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+22%3A18-19&version=KJV

He zooms through it, with lots of errors, which is especially ironic, considering the content.

"Ah'm settled on the King James Bahble."

"Ah know some people maybe maybe not be dogmattity 'cause ah am an' that's OK but ah'manna tellya somethin' - somebody fought an' shed blood an' shed tears so ah could have a English. Speaking. Bahble. Y'know, far as th'King James thing, far as who King James was, an' all that kahnda stuff, listen, ah'm gon' say somethin' to ya - ah know mah history! An' ah know ah got the worda God."

He starts in on bad Baptists again. "The BBF has gone crazy."

Gary admits he doesn't always understand everything in his bible, like "some them names," and

Spoiler

Gary, when it comes to your theology, names and houses of the ancient world are the least of your problems.

Gary goes on and on about fighting for the KJV, and veers off into lots of his usual stuff, clearly reluctant to stop being the center of attention.

He is carrying on about the devil wanting their children as he comes to the end: "The brother come t'me this mornin' was talkin' about the Foxe's booka martyrs an' the uh - the other book, what is it?"
Jacob: _______ (both the captions and I think it sounds like "Show Buddy.")
"Yeah, ah'm gonna tell you, ah told him, an' ah say this a whole lot, it might be we ought t'set down with our kids an' maybe it'll be a Sunday school lesson t'teach our kids that our country was founded ohn Jesus, salvation, an' th'bahble, an' it __________ (?). Ah'm settled."

And he mumbles his prayer.

Edited August 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles

[Xan]

I'm impressed, @thoughtful.  When I've tried to transcribe Gary, I have to keep going back and replaying it.  I'm not sure how you're doing this when he goes at breakneck speed.

I looked up Edward Fort.  He looked familiar so I think it's one of Gary's churches that I've investigated before now.  He was at Mission Independent Baptist Church in Chicago and he did die recently.  His son and wife both posted to his public Facebook page.

Spoiler

https://www.facebook.com/edward.fort.39

His electrolytes went low and so did his sodium.  He got married in the hospital and passed away the next day.  I think he was buried in Michigan but the funeral home website doesn't have his obituary.  Oddly, it looks like he might not get interred until August 26 so I assume that they cremated him.

I see that Gary's fascination with blood has now extended to Jesus' choice of writing implement.  

I wonder about the guy with the tent.  Is it bigger than Gary's current tent?  Does Gary suffer from tent envy?

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

I wonder about the guy with the tent.  Is it bigger than Gary's current tent?  Does Gary suffer from tent envy?

[postscript]

“Somebody has drinked outta mah water” - absolutely howling here at the idea of Gary as Sherlock Holmes, trying to solve the mystery of the missing water. 

After that long passage, I now have Handel running through my head. 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

After a long screaming rant about how people won't believe in Hell, he ends: "ah'm gonna be honest wi' ya, as ah see the way our country's goin' an' it's fallin' away, an' it's gittin' away from God, an' it's goin' away from the worl', an' it's gittin' worldlier, amen, you know what ah think? Ah don't even know if Jesus could change anybody's life. What ah'm talkinn' about is, if they won't follow now an' they won't listen now, they wouldn't listen t'Jesus."

I mean, if they don't listen to GARY, some poor sod like Jesus won't have a chance.

How does the country get away from the world?

Edited August 15, 2022 by AmazonGrace

[thoughtful]

18 hours ago, Xan said:

I'm sort of surprised by this.  Who would've thought Gary believed in germs?  He doesn't wear a mask and refused to be vaccinated but he draws the line at drinking after someone else? 

I think Gary's phobias, conspiracy theories and oddball medical ideas are personal and have no connection to actual scientific fact. To him, the combination makes sense.

Becky, despite her long-ago nurse's education, may add to it. I've known other people like this, with a mish-mash of ideas about medicine that seem contradictory to me (and to doctors).

A lot of them use the "doctors don't know what they're talking about - you can tell because the advice keeps changing" excuse, not understanding how scientific research works, or how diseases change.

Of course, you'd think Gary would expect Jesus to protect him from germs.

7 hours ago, Xan said:

I looked up Edward Fort.  He looked familiar so I think it's one of Gary's churches that I've investigated before now.  He was at Mission Independent Baptist Church in Chicago and he did die recently. 

Thanks. I did know he was from the Church of the Dunder Miflin Back Room With the People From All Over the World In Chicago - er, that is - Mission Independent Baptist Church. But I couldn't find any info about his having remarried or died.

7 hours ago, Xan said:

I'm impressed, @thoughtful.  When I've tried to transcribe Gary, I have to keep going back and replaying it.  I'm not sure how you're doing this when he goes at breakneck speed.

Believe me, I'm not so impressive. If it's a bible verse, I C&P from Bible Gateway, then alter it, as I listen, to line up with Gary's version. I have to stop the video and go back to listen pretty often.

7 hours ago, Xan said:

I see that Gary's fascination with blood has now extended to Jesus' choice of writing implement.  

That's actually not new, although I don't think he's said it lately. Gary seems to love the image of Jesus dipping his pen into all of that blood to write Gary's name. Yum.

7 hours ago, Xan said:

I wonder about the guy with the tent.  Is it bigger than Gary's current tent?  Does Gary suffer from tent envy?

He didn't say much about it, other than that, when set up, it would be a different shape than Gary's.

So , , , not so much length as breadth?

Tent envy is a distinct possibility.

I'll be in the prayer closet, being penitent.

Edited August 15, 2022 by thoughtful

[Joyster]

3 hours ago, Xan said:

looked up Edward Fort.  He looked familiar so I think it's one of Gary's churches that I've investigated before now.  He was at Mission Independent Baptist Church in Chicago and he did die recently.  His son and wife both posted to his public Facebook page.

  Hide contents

https://www.facebook.com/edward.fort.39

His electrolytes went low and so did his sodium.  He got married in the hospital and passed away the next day.  I think he was buried in Michigan but the funeral home website doesn't have his obituary.  Oddly, it looks like he might not get interred until August 26 so I assume that they cremated him.

This guy and his Church of Dundler Miffln have always fascinated me also.  There is a young lady alleging he was abusive in the comments of the latest post.  I screenshot the comments, but I'm not sure I should post them here because it's not about Gary.  I mean Gary was just at the church in early July, and I assume would respond to the young lady in a similar way as one of the respondents, but I wasn't sure this was the place.

ETA: Crap, the young lady who alleged abuse is one of Edward Fort's daughters.

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Joyster

[postscript]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

That's actually not new, although I don't think he's said it lately. Gary seems to love the image of Jesus dipping his pen into all of that blood to write Gary's name. Yum.

Gary’s obsession with bodily fluids rivals that of any twelve-year-old. He should just express it the same way as your average twelve-year-old, by watching gory movies and playing those video games he preaches against. 

Come to think of it, that might explain his belief that sinners will be forced to view their sins on giant screens at judgment day. That also sounds like something a twelve-year-old would get off on. 

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I once had a rather passionate night in a tent with a fellow, and, afterward, referred to it as our having been "intent upon one another."

9 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

How does the country get away from the world?

While getting worldler, no less. Some trick, eh?

 

7 hours ago, Joyster said:

I screenshot the comments, but I'm not sure I should post them here because it's not about Gary.  I mean Gary was just at the church in early July, and I assume would respond to the young lady in a similar way as one of the respondents, but I wasn't sure this was the place.

ETA: Crap, the young lady who alleged abuse is one of Edward Fort's daughters.

It's public, and Gary-adjacent, so:

Spoiler

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle

[AmazonGrace]

Of course he latches on the less-than-flattering description of himself, "fanatics", and ignores the molestation allegation.

[postscript]

It’s obvious exactly which comments you’re referring to. Gary’s response, however, would be a lot less grammatical and would include a reference to the KJB as his backup. 

[thoughtful]

I looked at older posts on her Facebook, and it sounds like the sexual abuse she experienced was from a friend of her father's, and he didn't protect her. It also sounds like Fort was emotionally, physically and economically abusive.

Spoiler

I think that all eight of his kids were estranged from him eventually.

[Joyster]

23 minutes ago, postscript said:

It’s obvious exactly which comments you’re referring to. Gary’s response, however, would be a lot less grammatical and would include a reference to the KJB as his backup. 

Esther took over Gary's role of a less grammatical and inclusion a KJB verse backup in the  comments.  Esther doesn't put her comments under Anna's, but I think they are a response to Anna; Anna's reaction is the laughing one in each comment.  I'm glad Anna stood up for herself and has a supportive spouse.

Spoiler

 

 

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Joyster
fixed spoiler error

[Xan]

31 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I think that all eight of his kids were estranged from him eventually.

If you look at their mom's obituary, they apparently scattered around the country.  A couple live in Alaska, one in South Dakota, three in Colorado, one in Kansas, and one in Illinois (but not that close to Chicago).  

Fort studied at Hyles-Anderson College.  (The founder, Jack Hyles, was a real piece of work who believed in beating children, extremely controlling your flock, and was eventually brought down by his illicit affairs and use of church money for his mistress.  Jack Hyles is one of Bro Gary's heroes.)  Fort also sounds like the sort of person that Gary admires, doesn't he?

[postscript]

Apparently somebody gave Gary and Becky “date day money.” I don’t begrudge Becky the date - living with Gary, on the road no less, must be challenging - but someone else has to fork out the cash for them to go out? They should take lessons from the Jill Rodrigues School of Constant Date Nights on No Income.  

[thoughtful]

Looks like Gary couldn't wait until Becky was feeling up to going out. A regular fuckin' Prince Charming, that man.

And Jethere, of course, is a laugh riot.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Becky posted about fetal-maternal microchimerism:

Spoiler

And the woman who I once theorized was named by Charles Dickens has commented:

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

Gary's put up the link to a YouTube video. This was a movie made over 50 years ago that's basically a sermon by Estus Pirkle.  He says that Communists are trying to take over America where they'll make everyone work 7 days a week and will shoot people in the street who are trying to remain Christian.  

I'm listening to it now.  Old Estus is against mini skirts and is praising the no-longer-used McGuffey readers.  He's against television and sex education.  He says that, since the advent of television, crime has increased 1000%.  People are choosing to watch tv instead of reading the Bible.  I fear Mr. Pirkle doesn't have much more use for the truth than Bro Gary.

This thing goes for a hour.  I've listened to about as much as I can stand.

Spoiler

Gary is overly fond of preachers from the 50's and 60's.  He's got a bad case of Miniver Cheevy-itis.

[thoughtful]

On July 27, The Hawkins family was at Aliquippa Baptist Temple in Aliquippa PA.

They groan through some songs, then Gary taps his fingers as Becky sings Preach On.

Spoiler

Gary stumbles through introducing himself, and warning them that he makes people mad, people don't want to hear the truth, "We're fixin' t'have plandemic number two on its way," his burden for America, his tent, his pulpit, 1000 churches close every month, yada yada.

"Me an' mah family travel all over th'United Straits."

Eventually, he announces Hebrews chapter 12, then corrects it to Hebrews chapter 10. Then he tells them "We're livin' in perlis tahms an' when y'look up th'word perlis, it's dangerous tahms."

The captions can't deal with his pronunciation of "perilous."

Spoiler

We're in the last days. He tells them they were in Chicago on July 4, "'bout 20 minutes away from where that shootin' happened."

That, and other shootings, are "a part of the comin' of the Lord Jesus Chrise. Wicketniss an' ungodliness, now ah wanna say, we've always had all this stuff but the reason we know more than apostle Paul  knew is we got 'lectronics."

Finally, he does his pre-reading bit. The captions try their best:

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+10%3A19-25&version=KJV

He stumbles through, making and correcting errors and repeating words, and finally getting some steam up on that last verse, which he adores.

He blabs on about why they all need to gather together.

"You think about over there whenever Noah was up there preachin' listen hey! He preached a little whahl, he nailed nails a little whahl, he sawed a little whahl, ah'm glad we got electric things today amen!"

The people of God are mocked today, as Noah was - he tells them about the scoffer in Chicago, and the "real Mormons" he met.

He isn't satisfied with the one man who yells "yeah" when Gary says he and another preacher were trying to give the Mormons the truth "because, see, they do gotta lah. Amen!" He does his bit about how they'll be there all night if he has to do the preaching and the amenning. I Love Lucy is mentioned.

Finally, he gets to his message title: "How t'Cope in th'End Tahms. How t'Cope in th'End Tahms listen ah'm gonna tellya raht now we can't do this bah ourselves."

He yammers on about the devil, the solid rock, the media brainwashing people for the last two years.

"Y'know what's made me mad an' ah don't say this a whole lot* but ah'm gonna start sayin' more of it butchu know what's made me mad over the last two yearsss is whenever they took the kidses uh uh sports away from 'em, they took the kidses school away from 'em, they took th'education away from 'em, they took school - be- church away from 'em, they took Sunday school away from 'em, anything they had, they took birthday parties away from 'em, but on October the 31st they said, 'Let's go trick-or-treat.' AMEN! Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen."

*You don't say this a whole lot?! Are you fucking kidding me, Gary? I've heard it at least 10 times from you, and there's nearly a half year's worth of videos I skipped!

He screams about preachers giving up and closing the church doors, and doesn't understand why people cancel church because of illness - that gets him into his "if yer sick stay home" routine, to which he now adds, "which ah don't know about monkeypox, ah don't know all ah kin tellya is ah'm stayin' away from the monkeys ah don't want it amen! Ah act lahk a monkey enough ah don't need no help from one of 'em amen."

Back to coping - "life ain't fair." Apostle Paul went to jail, Jeremiah went to prison where the mud was.

He exhorts them to get excited, with his usual "joke" about Becky being ready to pack and leave (the implication is that they don't like him, and will run him out of town). BTW, he's not meeting with silence - there are people yelling in agreement at just about everything he says.

He announces Luke 11:28, does his bit about how they're going to hear lots of scripture, because God's word is more important than anything Gary has to say.

He doesn't read Luke 11:28. I figure out that it is Luke 12:28 (thank you, electronics).

If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?

He basically gets through it, but the captions think his stumble on "field" is a separate word:

Spoiler

And then he starts to mumble. "That's not what ah was lookin' for, ___________" (he and Becky talk over one another for a bit). "Ah'm readin' in chapter 12, let me go t'chapter 11 see if 'at works. You ain't never preached behahnd a pulpit you ain't nervous. Verses 28 a'chaper 11 let's trah that but he said yea rather, blessed are they that hear th'worda God, and keep it. Ah'manna tellya the first thing you gonna realize t'how you gonna cope in is listenta what God's got t'say."

And he yells about listening to God for entirely too long.

"Wee need t'be shuttin' up - an listenin' t'God."

Physician, heal thyself.

He mocks Joel Osteen, Joyce Myers and Steve Anderson.

"Yer not gonna cope very well if yer listenin' to somma this offa the wallssssssss."

After some more screaming about bad Baptists and other people who are wrong, Gary zooms through:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+1%3A14-16&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya another thing yer gonna haveta do in order t'cope in this thing at the end tahms, and that is get filled a'God."

John the Baptist named the sin and the sinner. "Buncha sissies we got today in our pulpits, hey give 'em mah phone number ah don't keer ah'll tell 'em amen."

Captions:

Spoiler

He yells about getting filled up with God for a while. He wants them to get so filled up with God that they won't think about I Love Lucy or the politician worl'.

He paces around and around the pulpit, as he rants.

"Ah'manna tellya raht now we ever git filled w'God we wouldn't keer 'bout all that stuff. Mattera fact we'd be on our knees prayin' fer Doctor - Joe Bahden, amen!" He hesitates (realizing his error? Who knows?), then grumbles, "Amen. Ah'd rather call him a doctor than a presiden' he ain't mah presiden'. Ah still think Donal' Trump's mah presiden' HAYMEN! You don't lahk Donal' Trump you won't never lahk me amen. That's the reason ah don't git t'tweet much ah got mean tweets amen."

After more meaningless crap about filling up with God, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+12%3A2&version=KJV

"Ah'manna tellya raht now you gonna cope in this you better git in th'willa God." Lots of old spew ensues.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A31&version=KJV

Ah'manna tellya how t'make it, an' make it  in these last days; just boast on God."

More stuff we've heard many times falls out of Gary's piehole for a while.

As Gary does his usual bit about sports being OK but he'd rather talk about Jesus, the captions have some trouble with his pronunciation of a team from the nearest big city:

Spoiler

 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phillipians+4%3A6&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya how t'make it in this, in this end tahms; give it t'Jesus."

The next is under a spoiler because of Gary's incredibly insensitive way of describing a horrible event.

Spoiler

While going on about how life is full of troubles, he says "Uh, mah wahf, yesterday when we got here, mah wahf was strollin' down through Facebook an' - we met these people they're missionaries uh uh Canada, they're up there now, an' her brother's boy's three-year-old boy - was it a boy? Burned up in th'fahr, His wahf, the way it sounds, she was pretty well crisp but she's still livin'. She's in one them burn centers wherever they was livin' at, an' ah go t'thinkin' 'Ah ain't got it that bad.'"

And he yells on, about how he hasn't gotten a phone call that anyone near him has died, so "Ah think ah'll just praise God."

He tells them about Mike Stout's illnesses and surgeries in gory detail, rants about our country being in a mess for a while, then tells them about a preacher he knows of who recently "fell over with a heart attack" while preaching - still alive, according to Gary.

More automatic-pilot rant follows, and I Love Lucy is mentioned again. Some of them seem to love his routine about how God allowed Donald Trump to do great things, but people started worshipping Trump instead, stopped praying, and "we got what we deserved."

"Abortions! Lemme say somethin' to ya- ah thank God for this Way an' Row ah dunno ah can't pronounce ah'm a hillbilly an' ah don't ah can't pronounce words well, But ah thank, ah thank God that the courts overruled it. But there's one problem. Each state has it's thing t'do what it wants to. An' ah been t' ah been t'Pennsylvania a few tahms, yer gov'ner's gonna be for abortion. Mah governor - we're a - not a democrat state but we got a stupid democrat that stole his way in HEYMEN! An' hey if he was settin' here ah'd tell 'im."

He ends up saying that all politicians are wicked, even the republicans, so just give it to Jesus.

Good idea, Gary - write Jesus in for everything on the ballot in November. Ask your friends to do the same.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+12%3A2&version=KJV

Ah'manna tellya another thing way t'cope is we gotta keep our ahs ohn Jesus."

More of his usual fragmented spiel follows - he quotes other bible verses, hymns, and talks about not getting distracted.

Gary's trick to not getting too distracted when he preaches? "Ah don't look at people, ah look at the _____  " (sounds like "quads" to me).

Captions:

Spoiler

I guess we'll never know the secret.

"An' ah'm gonna say this - Roman - Luke chapter six - Luke chapter 19 - ah'll git it in a minute - Luke chapter 19 verse 10 ah'm not gonna return there but he said he came t'seek an' t'save. That which was lost."

Captions:

Spoiler

The old "better get saved" ending comes next, with the rich man lifting his eyes, being in torment. Gary rhapsodizes about Paul and Silas and how "the jail guy" was going to kill himself, and finishes up with more about . . . you guessed it - getting saved.

Edited August 16, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles - way too many riffles

[postscript]

Is he napping in that first picture? I suppose he could be praying or focusing on what he’s about to say, but he sure looks like he’s using his wife’s performance to catch a brief catnap.

He’s still appropriating the Highland Park shootings, but at least he’s acknowledging he wasn’t actually in the same town. 

Somehow I suspect Gary wouldn’t be as quick to call someone a sissy if he was face to face with them. Much easier to name call over social media. 

In the last photo, he looks like he’s scratching his butt. 

[Xan]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They groan through some songs, then Gary taps his fingers as Becky sings Preach On.

I just want to say that "Preach On" is a terrible song and, bless her heart, Becky does it badly.  It sounds more like a jingle from an old toothpaste commercial than something that's supposed to be religious.  I'm not sure why she does it so often.  Either it's fast and easy or else Gary likes the sound of it.

[thoughtful]

14 hours ago, postscript said:

Is he napping in that first picture? I suppose he could be praying or focusing on what he’s about to say, but he sure looks like he’s using his wife’s performance to catch a brief catnap.

It does look that way in a screenshot - that's why I specified that he was tapping his fingers to the music, and caught a moment when his hand was up in the air. Otherwise, I would have thought he was dozing off, as well.

14 hours ago, postscript said:

He’s still appropriating the Highland Park shootings, but at least he’s acknowledging he wasn’t actually in the same town. 

Yes, that was a small improvement. Gary being Gary, it was probably accidental, and he'll be back to implying that he was in the midst of it soon. I'm actually surprised that, when discussing shootings, he doesn't go into his "who knows if any them was saved, or if they woke up in Hell" crap. He seems to only focus on shootings as one of the signs of the Last Days.

4 hours ago, Xan said:

I just want to say that "Preach On" is a terrible song and, bless her heart, Becky does it badly.  It sounds more like a jingle from an old toothpaste commercial than something that's supposed to be religious.  I'm not sure why she does it so often.  Either it's fast and easy or else Gary likes the sound of it.

I think it is a new set of lyrics set to an old tune - a camp song or army song, maybe -  and my obnoxious brain has been teasing me since I first heard it, not letting me remember what it is. It's so generic, just I and V harmony, that it's like trying to remember a specific fairy tale when all you can remember is that it started with "once upon a time" and ended with "and they lived happily ever after."

A google search turned up the lyrics in a few places, listed as a poem credited to someone named Susan Soria.

https://books.google.com/books?id=wnJrMfcwiQMC&pg=PA11&lpg=PA11&dq=to+the+tune+of+if+youre+then+preach+on+just+preach+on&source=bl&ots=x_GdJzP6YW&sig=ACfU3U3BVAGhejL_4gZXpoHRFwvQ9GlOOQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiS9Ibr0cv5AhV3kokEHU6uCjAQ6AF6BAgLEAM#v=onepage&q=to the tune of if youre then preach on just preach on&f=false

Becky and Gary have said that he likes her to sing it right before he preaches, and that it inspires him. I'm sure he loves the stuff about critics, people fighting against getting saved, going past 12:00, and stepping on people's corns.

Oh, and the Jesus parts, too.

Edited August 16, 2022 by thoughtful
clarity