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Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot


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He rambles about educating the young, then says the problem is not the people of God, it's the preachers.

But, but, Gary is a preacher.

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32 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

But, but, Gary is a preacher.

But he's a travelling preacher - basically the light entertainment. He's not one of those long term preachers who take responsibility for parishes and the welfare attendance of people in them! No care, no responsibility, that's Gary - and so obviously if people aren't turning up to listen to him ramble preach (and give him money) then it's the fault of those preachers not haranguing them into coming for multiple services every week, and obviously also their fault that America is sliding towards one service per week degeneracy.

 

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I have actually noticed that, lately, Gary has been saying "preacher" when he means "pastor" (or, as he'd pronounce it, "pasture"), as well as when he is talking about guest preachers like himself.

Why? Who knows? Just one of the cycles Gary goes through with his automatic pilot word vomit, I guess.

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Don't lose You Testamony, or those that where watching you.

image.png.d7dfdbe5af403ac02456a724379ff1c8.png

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1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Don't lose You Testamony, or those that where watching you.

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I generally cut people some slack when posting from their because phones are hard to use to generate content but seriously?

You Testamony could be a Reddit flare.

 

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5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Don't lose You Testamony, or those that where watching you.

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As always, he makes no sense. Quit what? Being a Christian? Under Gary’s theology, wouldn’t you also lose your salvation? Isn’t that more important than losing being a prayer (excuse me, Prayer) warrior or a soul winner? And why does being a Christian automatically equate to people watching you or being a prayer warrior or a soul winner? One can be a Christian without proselytizing. 

I’ve probably just spent more time analyzing this post than Gary did writing it. 

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52 minutes ago, postscript said:

Quit what?

Quit workin' for the LORD, of course!

52 minutes ago, postscript said:

Being a Christian? Under Gary’s theology, wouldn’t you also lose your salvation? Isn’t that more important than losing being a prayer (excuse me, Prayer) warrior or a soul winner?

Nope - according to Gary, you can't lose your salvation. But you can stop acting like his definition of a Christian, and he gets to nag you about it, which may make people want to lose it!

45 minutes ago, postscript said:

 And why does being a Christian automatically equate to people watching you or being a prayer warrior or a soul winner? One can be a Christian without proselytizing.

In Gary's mind, the portion I bolded from your post is incorrect - a horrible sin, in fact.

Someone who does that will not lose their salvation - just their joy, brownie points for "saving" people (the blood will be dripping from their hands!), crowns to throw at Jesus' feet, and . . . something something (nobody from their belief system is ever clear about it) on Judgment Day.

Oh, and according to Gary, their sins will be shown on a huge screen, and they'll be embarrassed.

Imagine having to watch endless video of other people napping in their houses on Sunday mornings, doing something else on a Wednesday evening, having a chat about giving a bit less to missionaries when times are tough, or deciding to go home a bit early from handing out tracts. I mean, even if each "saved" person only messed up a little bit, that's a lot of really boring "sinning" for everyone else to sit through.

I hope Jesus makes popcorn, at least, and insists that all of those people with blood all over their hands wash up before partaking.

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Maybe I'm just a weirdo but I'd prefer listening to someone else recounting their sins over Gary's preaching any day.  Just imagine -- we could hear people who did stuff way worse that our own sins and we could sin even more by being  sitting there being prideful.   We could even cheer for the less offensive sins.  Sounds entertaining.

And I think throwing crowns at Jesus' feet just feels mean.  Those crowns are hard!

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23 minutes ago, Xan said:

Maybe I'm just a weirdo but I'd prefer listening to someone else recounting their sins over Gary's preaching any day.  Just imagine -- we could hear people who did stuff way worse that our own sins and we could sin even more by being  sitting there being prideful.   We could even cheer for the less offensive sins.  Sounds entertaining.

Yeah, but in Gary's version, the sins are all shown on a screen, not recited by the sinners. And, in his world, some pretty passive, boring stuff are sins Christians can commit. So I was picturing the saved having to watch hours of one another napping, driving, shopping, walking around in sleeveless shirts all day . . .

25 minutes ago, Xan said:

And I think throwing crowns at Jesus' feet just feels mean.  Those crowns are hard!

Yeah, and with lots of sharp points and hard gemstones. Poor Jesus  - aren't his feet sore enough?

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

Oh, and according to Gary, their sins will be shown on a huge screen, and they'll be embarrassed.

Imagine having to watch endless video of other people napping in their houses on Sunday mornings, doing something else on a Wednesday evening, having a chat about giving a bit less to missionaries when times are tough, or deciding to go home a bit early from handing out tracts. I mean, even if each "saved" person only messed up a little bit, that's a lot of really boring "sinning" for everyone else to sit through.

I hope Jesus makes popcorn, at least, and insists that all of those people with blood all over their hands wash up before partaking.

Gary’s theology has little to do with any theology I’ve ever been exposed to. I’m not even sure it has a lot to do with actual Baptist theology. Like a lot of these yahoos (see also his nemesis Steven Anderson), he truly is independent. 

Where in the KJV does it say sins will be broadcast on giant screens? I’m pretty sure such a concept didn’t exist in 1611. I can just hear Gary screaming “IT BIBLE!” Even if it did, that sounds  like a really boring show. If Jesus intends to broadcast, I’d expect to view some juicy murders and adultery at the very least, not people deciding not to go to church while on vacation

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Gary is celebrating his preaching anniversary.

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Somewhere, the Lord is saying, "Um... Gary.  I don't know who called you but it wasn't me."

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The Lord should have said "Oops, sorry, wrong number"

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1 hour ago, griffin said:

The Lord should have said "Oops, sorry, wrong number"

Well, that set off my old movie brain. Now I'm picturing God as Barbara Stanwyck (pretty good casting, actually), horrified at what she is hearing. Only instead of a guy going over a murder plot, it's Gary being Gary.

Spoiler

 

 

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On 8/11/2022 at 12:55 AM, thoughtful said:

Don't lose You Testamony, or those that where watching you

Do you think that was meant to be "Testamoney", which is what you give to Gary?

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On July, 24, at Fellowship Baptist Church in Bedford KY , the video starts with Gary saying "Karonikals." He makes his usual joke about the book of Chronicles (he's glad his mama didn't live back then and give him one of those names).

"Second Karonikals, chapter two - one."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+chronicles+1&version=KJV

He actually does pretty well reading the first four verses, except for the name Kirjathjearim - can't really fault him for that. He says Karajarium.

I had to look this up written out in Hebrew to try to figure out what the transliteration should have been  (there is no J sound in Hebrew, and not really a "th"). "Keeryat Y'ahreem" would have been a better way to convey the correct sounds. I guess the angels dictating the KJV were having fun that day, or maybe they were just tired.

Gary starts having trouble in verse five.

KJV: Moreover the brasen altar, that Bezaleel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, had made
Bro Gary Version: Moreover the braces altars, that Belzum the son of Urah, the son of Hur, had made
Captions:

Spoiler

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He does OK with the rest, other than "lined yarns" for "linen yarns," and a few substituted conjunctions, until the very last sentence.

KJV:  horses for all the kings of the Hittites, and for the kings of Syria, by their means.
BGV and captions:

Spoiler

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After his prayer, Gary tells them "we're not gonna go there, but you can go back in Kings," and goes on about Solomon. Yes, after reading an entire chapter, he goes right to talking about some other part of the bible. But, of course, he has a point, which he makes clearly and concisely :wink-kitty:.

"You can go back in Kings where Solomon was - when he took over as king over - Jerus'l'm, after his father, but then th'Lord came to Solomon an' he saw - he asked Solomon an' he said 'What is it that you want? What is it that ah can give you'?"

Yes, we know, Gary - you just read that out of the bible.

"An' ah got t'thinkin', ah even read ah ah because lahk ah said ah'm readin' in Chronicles now an' ah got t'readin' this an' ah got t'thinkin' about this. You know what today an' hour we're livin' in,  that maht be some things we shouldn't ask for. Amen? We shouldn't ask for. Ah think about it, ah think about it very often when ah'm readin' mah bahble ah wanna - ah wanna have a mahnd that sorta wonders a little bit, not wonders in the world thing, but wonders, an' git some different ideers outta the bahble because there's a lotta stuff in there if we just do it the preacher was talkin' about uh you know goin' through the studies an' how long sometahm it takes an' ah got a preacher frienda mahn in Texas an' when he gits in a booka th'bahble listen ah'm gonna tellya raht now he digs in an' he digs in an' it takes him years just t'do one chapt - one booka th'bahble which that's a good thing ah mean yer learnin' things amen? But what would we ask for if God asked us? Have you ever thought about that? What would you ask for?"

I'm now wondering if, by "wonder," Gary actually means "wander."

Song cue alert!

After some more word coleslaw, Gary does touch on the idea of asking for wisdom (because "our country's in a mess") rather than riches. For material goods and money, he says we should just trust God.

Then comes lots of his usual blab about how people have lost faith, preachers not condemning sin, and then: "Here's what ah'm thinkin', here's what ah'm tryin'a do - ah'm gonna quite beggin' people an' let God start doin' it. Ya say 'Wha?' Well, if they're not gonna listenta me, an' they're not gonna take suggestions from me, an' listen, they're not gonna do it fer God."

Gary, if only.

If only, after that sentence, you retired from nagging and haranguing people forever, and got a job.

But no.

He blathers on about wanting wisdom. He wants God to give him "wisdom how to continuously keep goin' ohn. You say 'Wha?' It ain't tahm t'quit."

That's not wisdom, Gary - that's mulish, stubborn inflexibility, which you already have in abundance.

Gary yells out a list of great men he claims all said we were "close to home," and/or "the Lord's comin'," as follows: Apostle Paul, Peter, Abraham, Noah, Jack Hyles, Oliver B. Greene, Lester Rolloff.

The captions have some trouble with the more modern names, despite getting three tries at Oliver B. Greene:

Spoiler

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More standard Garynonsense follows, about the old ways being better than the new ways, God chastening him, being glad his Momma beat him, because now he knows he deserved it.

"An' now ah'm watching mah children, an ah'm, an' as the bahble says ah'm reaping through mah children. An ah wish ah hadn'ta been so mean."

Captions:

Spoiler

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And he chooses that moment to ask "Am ah makin' sense this mornin'?"

Well, no, Gary - you are making it sound as if you regret beating your children, and we know that's not the case. I've heard him do this shtick before, BTW, and I don't actually think that's what he means. Not that I can tell you what he does mean.

He goes right into saying that what children need is church. While he gushes about how not all Baptists are good, he says "You know ah'm Baptist," and the captions have trouble with that word again:

Spoiler

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He blabs on about how to raise children, and how bad gossip is.

"We're livin' in a worl' t'day where  judgment should not -" Stupid person voice: "'Don't judge me - the bahble says judge not.'" Back to normal Gary-yell: "Ah was up in Iowa preachin' and uh ah preached a little bit about politicians ah know preachers say that's aginst th'law an' aginst th'rules an' all that kinda stuff an' the reason they say that is because they don't know enough about their bahble as they should. An' ah'm preachin' an y'know, an' he takes me out an' he askses me a question about uhhhh - " Stupid voice: "'Matthew chapter seven. What does that mean, brother? Y'ain't supposed t'judge!' Ah said, 'Brother, we need to study our bahble,' an' ah said, 'Listen, hey - you go ohn through the resta that chapter, ah can judge yer fruits.'"

Ah, yes, the "neener, neener" school of biblical exegesis - Gary's specialty.

Back to Solomon. Gary says that Solomon said "Give me some earnest wisdom t'know how t'judge these people." The captions know his heart:

Spoiler

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Gary says they knocked on the door of a lady, and he hopes she'll come to church, then goes on: "Ah'm not gonna say her name or whatever but listen hey ah'm gonna tellya - where she works at - ah'm not gonna condemn her for that y'say 'Wha?' She don't need t'be condemned she needs t'see Jesus. Amen? 'Cause ah'm gonna say somethin' to ya if she gets born again save by the grace o'God, the she'll go to sayin' 'Man, that ain't right.'"

Well, I'm sure things won't be awkward if she shows up in church. :roll:

He goes into his routine about Mormons. This time he adds some new knowledge from his vast store of facts about other religions: "You've hearda Catholics all yer life whenever somebody from the Catholic church gets - gets saved an' they git borned agin, their family turns their back on 'em. Well, in Utah, if somebody gits saved outta Mawminism, not only do their family turn on 'em, their job turns on 'em. Their city turns on 'em! These - this this young couple that got saved an' they got t'studyin' th'bahble an' they got saved, they had t'move from whatever city they was livin' in to another city so they could finda job."

He goes on to say that the young woman told him that they go back to visit family, and "'It's hard because we now know the truth an' they're still in th'blahndness of th' lahs an' things.' Ah said, 'Ma'am, ah'm gon' say somethin' to ya - don't quit talkin' to 'em,' ah said, 'but sometahms you just need t'live it.'"

Doesn't sound to me like their family has turned their back. Of course, that could change, if they take the first part of Gary's advice. And, going by the Mormons I know, nobody would even notice if they went by the second part, because a lot of Mormons do a much better job of "living it" than Gary ever would.

He gets in some sly digs at the pastor under the guise of his "as long as we agree about doctrine" routine - it seems the pastor isn't as bothered by the way some saved people dress as Gary is. And, "There's prob'ly some things that the Lord'll let him do that He don't let me do, butchu know what? Ah don't git mad about that. You say, 'Why is that?' That's just the way God is amen?"

After some blather about how great it is to memorize the bible, and how God will help you do that, if you ask, and how he doesn't need "the million-dollar motor home," Gary explains that you have to ask for things in God's will. Otherwise, God will say, "You ast, but you astin' a mist."

Captions:

Spoiler

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My best guess is that he's trying to say "amiss."

"Solomon wisdom left him because he felt - fell in love with th'flesh."

He rattles off some of his usual garbage for a while. As he gets to the stuff about how Apostle Paul never got to stay in nice places like Gary does (sounds like he was in prophet's chambers in the church for this visit, because he says they were "upstairs"), he says "Mah wahf had t'turn the air conditioner off because we got too many things plugged up to one thing an' she had t'turn the air conditioner off this mornin' t'arnn ah almost told her ah'd rather go t'church wrinkled than t'be without mah air conditioner."

"T'arrn" is "to iron," in case that wasn't clear.

He swallows the last word, and the captions are confused. Also, I just wanted you to see this adorable pixie face - what a cutie pie, joking about his wife slaving over his needs in the heat:

Spoiler

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He goes on to tell them we're all "spawled" - that's "spoiled." He tells them what America should ask for - not a new president (this does not get the yell of approval he wants, so he bellows HAYMEN!),  not a new governor, "ask for God."

"Ah'm gonna say this an' ah'm done - ah got four minutes left." He does his bit about prayer being thrown out of school, the ten commandments being thrown out of the courthouse, and the church throwing out Jesus, then makes reference to a pamphlet some guy gave him, about 1000 churches closing every month.

As he winds down, Gary has a rare moment of self-knowledge:

Spoiler

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And yet, he goes on. He says the town has about 600 people in it, and they have enough acreage to build a church that would hold them all.

"An' ah say this, ah said it in a church not long ago they didn't agree with me that's OK they have the raht t'be wrong, but not every individual in this town would be puzzled up for this church."

The captions and I are both "puzzled up" about WTF he actually said, and what it means.

Spoiler

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He says God didn't make it that way - human life made it that way. "They come t'church, make sure they're people that wanna come t'church. 'Cause you don' want somebody that's gonna be a backstabber in church, right? You don' want somebody that's gonna come t'church an' then go an' run the church down, right? That's not people that come t'church that equal up, amen? Ah want people t'come t'church - now ah wanna say we do need th'lost sinners in church. 'Cause this is s'posed t'be a hospital for th'lost people an' preach th'gospel an' that's what ah'm gonna do this mornin' an' you say 'Wha?' The gospel never gits old. An' it shouldn't never git old."

Well, that didn't clear anything up.

He says he knows his time is up, jokes about the man who fell out of the window when Paul preached, then admits he has no idea what he was going to say next.

"Hey, when God askses you whatchu want, or whatchu need . . . make sure it's . . . the right things."

An inspiring ending to an inspiring message, as usual.

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I'm glad Gary is asking for wisdom because he's sorely of need of some.  However, I just don't see it happening.  That was a serious mess of a sermon.  The world is in trouble.  Catholics and Mormons are wrong.  It's okay to judge people.  Gary can't even be thankful that Becky is ironing his shirt in the heat.  He's happy he was beaten as a child.  Gary knows more about the Bible than anyone else.  People in this town can be puzzled up for a church.  And you need to ask for the right things.  

If I didn't know better, I'd think Gary had been sniffing glue.

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On 8/10/2022 at 2:27 PM, Xan said:

And I think throwing crowns at Jesus' feet just feels mean.  Those crowns are hard!

I think they're dental crowns. You won't need them, or your dentures in heaven because your body will have become perfect.

1 hour ago, Xan said:

If I didn't know better, I'd think Gary had been sniffing glue.

I'm curious as to just how you know this? I agree, it's unlikely, but. . .

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Oh, Gary. You could spend the rest of your life studying the Bible and the great philosophers and will never know wisdom. 

So, do they travel with an ironing board and iron, or do they assume their accommodations will provide them? Is the iron and board in their list of demands for each performance? Have they never heard of a dry cleaner? The idea of Becky, with so much else on her plate, hauling out an iron to press Gary’s inexhaustible supply of colored dress shirts is depressing. 

Edited by postscript
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6 minutes ago, postscript said:

Is the iron and board in their list of demands for each performance?

It's in the section right after the requirement that they be treated to dinner at a Chahnese restaurant.

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The previous video was the Sunday school on July 24, at Fellowship Baptist Church in Bedford KY. On to the main service. After the Hawkinses sing (I fast-forward), Gary announces Acts, chapter 16, and we get to see what the captions make of his rushed "if you can, yer willin' an' able, stand fer th'readin' of th'worda God."

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A24-31&version=KJV

Gary: "Acts chapter 16, look in verses 25, an' th' bahble says look in verses 24 who having received such a charge, thrust them into the in the inner part prisons."
KJV: Who, having received such a charge, thrust them into the inner prison
Captions:

Spoiler

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The captain's quarters?

image.png.971dd1eebf27ae0733ea4b744be24034.png

 

He stumbles through the rest, says his usual prayer, re-reads verses 30-31, and claims he "got t'thinkin'" about this passage last night, now we got so much junk goin' on in our Baptist churches, sad but true, an' we got people that don't believe they can ever be saved . . ."

And he wanders on about people who think they need to tell him how awful they are. "Ah ain't the Pope, ah don't need t'hear yer sins."

While he's rambling about various beliefs, this comes out: "Well, then you got the crowd, 'Well, Jesus only saves certain ones,' Ah mean listen you got the uh, the brahters an' they say it's only 144 that's gonna get in or y'got, y'got these is the only ones are the only election listen hey ah was elected when Jesus dahd on the cross amen!"

The captions think what I transcribed as "brahters" (which could be "brighters," taking the accent into account) was "writers." Neither sounds like Jehovah's Witnesses, who talk about 144,000 (not 144) being saved, so who knows what that word was.

"Oliver B. Greene, ah mean, not Oliver B. Greene, Don Green . . ."

Captions:

Spoiler

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After screaming about how anyone can get saved, even members of "biker's gangs," which the captions tell us, three times, is "bikers games," Gary really gets going, and is even doing some preacher "huh" noises at the ends of phrases.

Some sort of chugging white noise starts at one point (a fan?) - Gary asks for a microphone so he can be louder.

You are already wearing one, and are plenty loud enough, Gary.

"Ah'm glad ah ain't in charge, Oliver B. Greene said one tahm, he said 'If ah was God, ah'd pinched their heads off."

Captions get another shot at that name:

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A13&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya who God'll save - a merciful person."

After mocking the Pharisee who precedes the publican in the story, he screams, "Ah didn't do nothin' t'get into Heaven except t'go t'God. Ah was merciful, ah was a sinner, ah was on mah way t'Hell, it was nothin' ah could do, an' ah had t'have a savior."

Um, Gary, do you actually understand the verse you just read, and have read thousands of times? Do you know who was merciful, in that account? Do you know what merciful means?

I guess, for the moment, he has confused "merciful" with something like "penitent."

Gary's brain - such a deep dark mystery.

After some fragmented babbling about people admitting their sin and old fashioned preachers, he seems to regain his understanding of the word, saying that they are saved by "the mercies of God."

He does his bit about Jesus being like someone who bursts into a courtroom to take your place before the judge "puts his little hammer down," and gets confused about who's blood is corruptible. saying "Ah got incorruptible blood, Jesus' is corruptible - uh, incorruptible."

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.e3399a949b09c9ab12dccc3553c9c1c4.png

And, he's back to thinking that "merciful" means humble or penitent: "Jesus come for the merciful - he not gonna come for the proud. Amen. Mattera fact you go over t'James, and what does he say about the proud? Makes him sick."

The poor captions are struggling:

Spoiler

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Some familiar routines follow, including the rhythmic chant about the day of his salvation.

"Go t'Luke chapter nine - 19. Luke chapter 19, look in verses 3. An' he sought to see Jesus who he was and could not for the - press, because he was li'l of statue ah'll tellya another thing that Jesus who Jesus laid, those that're looking."

Well, that's what it sounds like to me! The captions are not so dirty-minded - they just think Jesus is tardy. Those getting laid late, however, are just fortunate.

Spoiler

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Gary harangues them about going on the bus route and preaching, like his daddy did. Yes, it's not enough to drive around picking up strangers' kids to take them to church to be preached at, it seems you are supposed to preach at them throughout the ride.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A42-43&version=KJV

"How 'bout this? Jesus - he goes after those that ask."

And he harangues them some more about going out godbothering. He also takes the part of the repentant thief and gives him a long speech, including "Ah'm a murderer or ah'm a rapist, or ah'm whatever you wanna think that ah am."

Um, Gary, according to the bible, he was a thief. Well, OK, Matthew says thief, Luke just says "malefactor" (which, we know from past messages, Gary pronounces "male factor," as if he was just testosterone or a Y chromosome). So I guess, according to Luke, we don't know his crimes. But, either way, he made no such speech.

He blabbers about missionaries for a while. It's OK to have a small church, though, because "you can have a handful an' have God, or you can have a bigful an' have a headache.

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.45c0d30ad8389d968088f2229e1823c3.png

Gary, they've got a big fool (and probably a headache).

That's about half, and he's on to a new reading. More later.

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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Continuing the Sunday main service from 7/24 at Fellowship Baptist Church in Bedford KY, Gary attempts John 5:21.

KJV:  For as the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will.
BGV:  For as the Father rises - raises - raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so - so the Son of - Son quickeneth whom he will.

"Ah wanna say somethin' else ah'll tellya somebody else he'll - he'll go git th'dead. You remember Lazaruth? Lazaruth wuz dead. An' what did Jesus say? He said 'Come forth.' Go to Fizzions chapter two an' verses one an' it says uh he quickeneth those who were dead an' trespassin' in sin. Ah liked that flyer right that - that was pretty good. She can make - listen, hey, ah'm gonna - next tahm ah need something desahned ah know who t'call, amen. We can git her - listen she can make more money in Bedford an' or the whole state of uh uh America just doin' what she done. You say 'Wha?' They're dead. You remember when you was dead?"

I guess someone there designed a flyer based on the Ephesians verse. :confusion-shrug: Anyway, Gary goes on speaking of unsaved people as "dead" for a while.

He tries to usual actual dead people as a metaphor: "You go t'the graveyard, y'go t'diggin' up somebody, an' ah don't recommend ya t'do that but if ya done that ah'm gonna say something to ya,  you know whatchure gonna haveta do to that body? Yer gonna haveta drag it around. You say 'Wha?' There's no life there. Amen mah boy works at a gravesite an' everything an' he talks about buryin' all these differen' kindsa people there's nothing there! Butchu know what when you get Jesus Christ on the insahda you, some of you lookin' at me lahk ah'm a little bit crazy, maybe a calf at a new gate, but ah'manna tell ya, God raises people from the dead."

I think I'll save this image for future use:

Spoiler

image.png.aadeb6fbceab5d85ea3ac7045c21d72c.png

I do like the expression "like a calf at a new gate," though, for someone looking confused.

He keeps trying to compare physical death to spiritual death, and it just doesn't work. He mentions Adam and Eve and how the "shall surely die" thing is a spiritual death (which is the only way out of the fact that the snake is the only one telling the truth in that story).

He says, "You may be walkin' around, hey, if yer older - gittin' older, a little whahl ago mah foot, mah knee raht there popped outta joint or done somethin' whatever an' it hurt for a little bit. Ah felt that! But y'know a sinner - the only thing a sinner's gonna feel is the conviction of the holy spirita God. Amen. An' he's walkin' aroun' dead an' we just gotta let him know 'Hey, yer dead, God needs t'raise you up from the dead, that's what he told the disciples he said 'Hey, ah gotta go raise up Lazarus from the dead' an the disciple said, 'Well, he's sleepin', he's doin' well.' No, he's dead, you say 'Wha?' He needed Jesus t'raise him up."

So, spiritually dead people don't feel knee injuries, and don't know they're dead. And Gary is . . . Cole Sear?

Spoiler

235105228_Iseespirituallydeadpeople.jpg.f95846d827d8a0c4be1a9d3029547983.jpg

 

Gary tries to read John 14:6.

KJV: Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
BGV: Jesus said unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh to me but bah - no man cometh from the father, but. Bah. Me.

"Ah'll tellya somebody else Jesus goes after - y'gotta go his way."

Familiar routines follow that meaningless sentence for a while.

On how to get to Heaven: "You have to do it. You know what if ah could make people go  to Heaven ah'm gonna tellya what ah'd do. Bein' that ah'm closer t'West Virginia where mah wahf is originally from what ah'd do is, is ah'd go to the - ah'd go t'her family an' ah'd start slappin' 'em around an' sayin' all right now you kin go t'Heaven but that has nothin' to do with it."

He tells the story of the one beer a day guy, about a woman he met who was about his age, but "ah looked at her an' ah said 'What in theee world? She looks lahk she's about 70 years old!' You know what that's called? Sin."

That, of course, leads to his cousin whose looks were ruined by sin. "Ah never seen her when she looked that good, she's always looked ugly t'me amen. But mah daddy says back in the hey days of her lahf she looked good." He makes sure they know that she got kicked out of a car for "not doin' what the fella wanted her to do, an' he kicked her out an she shoulda dahd."

We've never heard her side of the story, and I guess, in Gary's mind, this happened because she was running around with the wrong crowd, and the fact that she was in that car in the first place makes it somehow her fault. But it sure sounds like she was trying to avoid something bad, to me.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

"Ah wanna say somethin' with this. Listen t'me, listen t'me well. Just sayin' - just sayin' a prayer won't get you to Heaven."

Several minutes of his usual salvation spiels follows, including "believe an' receive what he did on that ol' wooden cross."

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.5821f25a89b4d4fc762cf7dd0d6fdbea.png

He does his crap about how the KJV is at a 6th-9th grade reading level. He says "Ah went to ninth grade. So what that means is ah could've had - ah could still understand the bahble."

His tone of voice implies, to me, that he only went as far as ninth grade. But I could be wrong.

Lots of familiar blab follows, including his weird false equivalence between having "faith" that a chair will hold you when you sit down with faith in Jesus, then he mumbles into his final prayer.

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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Spoiler

Ya say 'Wha?' Well, if they're not gonna listenta me, an' they're not gonna take suggestions from me, an' listen, they're not gonna do it fer God.

Gotta love the confidence...I mean, God can grant your prayers  and give you signs and raise your dead. Gary can make nonsensical Facebook posts and yell about I Love Lucy. But sure, if Gary can't convince you there's no way God could. 

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11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He keeps trying to compare physical death to spiritual death, and it just doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.  I get the feeling that Gary practiced this and thought it sounded great.  Sure!  Spiritually dead is just about the same thing as physically dead!  Everyone will think I'm brilliant!  It just ends up being confusing.  And now I have the mental image of Gary and/or Caleb digging up a body in the graveyard and dragging it around...

I've heard him speak before about how sin ages you and makes you ugly.  All that does is make me wonder what kind of sin he was involved in to make him look like a little toad.

The "little bit crazy" screen cap is perfect!

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I found the perfect use for the description of a puzzled expression:

Spoiler

1805149592_TuckerCarlsonlikeacalfatanewgate.jpg.e4bf99469ebefad5089a27214139862f.jpg

 

 

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Gary's on Facebook again today.  I'm not quite sure how one "glory wants" a savior.  

1157901898_Screenshot(10807).png.f0a32c1aae835f7b818be0b996fc8f79.png

 

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