Bro Gary Hawkins 20: Setting Up a Tent at the Train Depot

[Alisamer]

38 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

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He said "mah oldest boy" called a pastor they knew, asking if he could come preach at his church, and the pastor told him "they kicked me outta th'church. Ain't much of a vision f'r kickin' the pasture outta church."

Some people might have legitimate reasons for getting rid of a bad pastor but of course Gary can't think of any.

The crazy thing is that Gary, if asked, could actually come up with a million and one reasons to get rid of a pastor, if that pastor did something Gary disagreed with. Quote one line of a different Bible translation without shitting on it and Gary would be all "false prophet!" about it. Have an affair with a deacon's wife? Better get out of there. Probably even stuff like not disowning a gay or trans child or encouraging vaccination. And vote democrat? They better run. 

[postscript]

Trust Gary, when illustrating the point that life’s not fair, to pick expensive gasoline. A more apt example from his recent experience would be Becky’s health issues or his daughter’s miscarriage. But no, expensive gas it is, since he can blame that on the evil government.

Potiphar’s wife, not Jezebel, accused Joseph of assaulting her. But I assume he’s never seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcast. The music would too much beat ‘n bump n’ bam for him. 

Those screenshots of Gary with raised arms might make more impact if he wasn’t holding his glasses. 

[thoughtful]

57 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

The crazy thing is that Gary, if asked, could actually come up with a million and one reasons to get rid of a pastor, if that pastor did something Gary disagreed with. Quote one line of a different Bible translation without shitting on it and Gary would be all "false prophet!" about it. Have an affair with a deacon's wife? Better get out of there. Probably even stuff like not disowning a gay or trans child or encouraging vaccination. And vote democrat? They better run. 

I know - Gary whining about someone else being judgmental always shatters irony meters by the gross.

I guess the listeners were just supposed to grok that, since this was a pastor Caleb felt comfortable calling to ask for a gig, he was one of the good guys and the church had no reason to dump him.

Not to mention that, for all we know, it was a joke, and/or he is emeritus and honored there, just not in charge any more, or on a sabbatical or vacation. Gary said he was a man in his 60s or 70s, but nothing else about him.

Or maybe the man wanted an excuse to turn down a preacher boy who is really shitty at preaching.

Or maybe it never even happened, or Caleb misunderstood.

Gary and Caleb are problematic narrators, after all.

Spoiler

 

 

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I've never been to a potluck that didn't have deviled eggs. 

Though I'm sure Gary has some cutesy word for them or something instead of "deviled". 

I'm trying to remember how Becky referred to them, but I'm not sure. Stuffed eggs, picnic eggs and angel eggs are what I hear from most anti-saying-devil types, but I can't remember which she uses.

I do, however, remember that she has a Tupperware piece made specifically to tote them to events!

 

[Frito Bandito]

On 7/31/2022 at 1:52 PM, thoughtful said:

When last I recapped a Gary message, it was back in Grace Baptist, in Ekron, KY

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I’m ashamed that some of my fellow Meade Countians listened to this fool. Ekron was my 2nd to last address and is around 45 minutes from Louisville. It’s closer to the Nauglers than the Ville. Hometown of PeeWee Reese. 

[Xan]

Gary is posting his profound thoughts on Facebook again today.

So, a sermon on forgiveness or loving your neighbor isn't permissible.  All a preacher can do is yell about sin.  ("I am Gary Hawkins and I approve of this message."  I think Gary has been watching too much tv.)

If you reject a gospel tract, you'll go to hell.  Wow.  God is really strict.

I don't know which one I like better -- "don't reject the gifted of JESUS" or "He came to see..."

Nope.  He didn't "die for the church".  He died for his teachings.  He didn't die for a building or even for a specific group of people.  If Gary followed the scriptures, he'd understand that Jesus died to absolve others.  All Gary cares about it butts in the pews so that KFC buckets can collect a few more dollars.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

I don't know which one I like better -- "don't reject the gifted of JESUS" or "He came to see..."

I rather like "There'll be people in hell who was headed a gospel tract."

Now I'm picturing soccer players tossing   kicking tracts into the air, then bopping them with their heads towards people.

I guess the tracts would have to be weighted somehow for it to work, but it would be a novel delivery method!

Edited August 2, 2022 by thoughtful
Tossing? What was I thinking?

[postscript]

“I am Gary Hawkins and I approve of this message.” Is he now a paid celebrity spokesperson for God? Is he going to start adding this to all his messages? 

I’m glad he’s resumed posting random rants. Those generate the best quotes. 

People going to hell if they rejected a tract that was handed headed to them? It must be a strange, narrow little world he lives in. Heaven as Jesus’ special clique sounds like a religious version of middle school. 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, postscript said:

People going to hell if they rejected a tract that was handed headed to them?

How could try reject such a beautifully printed piece of literature handed to them by people who are not at all creepy about it?! I mean the tracts have smiley faces on them and everything! Heathens!!

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

How could try reject such a beautifully printed piece of literature handed to them by people who are not at all creepy about it?! I mean the tracts have smiley faces on them and everything! Heathens!!

I was trying to remember what kinds of tracts Gary hands out, and couldn't. I don't know if he uses the smiley face ones - seems too cheerful and not bloody enough for him.

 

[Ozlsn]

20 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I was trying to remember what kinds of tracts Gary hands out, and couldn't. I don't know if he uses the smiley face ones - seems too cheerful and not bloody enough for him.

 

Hm, it feels like he would get more, um, traction with a smiley face dripping blood... I mean, I'd at least look to see what that was all about!

[thoughtful]

39 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Hm, it feels like he would get more, um, traction with a smiley face dripping blood... I mean, I'd at least look to see what that was all about!

Now that would be awesome. After all, from his point of view, being covered in the blood is something that makes him smile!

 

[Black Aliss]

8 hours ago, postscript said:

Heaven as Jesus’ special clique sounds like a religious version of middle school. 

That's why I don't want to go there. Also why I will end up there, because my idea of hell (which is where my extended family assures me I'm going) is an eternity spent in the company of fundies.

[Joyster]

Gary is on a Facebook roll.  If I'm reading this correctly, God only punishes people he loves. Gary's message sounds like a threat.  I thought Jesus died for our sins, not that God wants people to suffer  I spend way too much time trying to figure out what Gary means besides also spending too much time analyzing his plate of food.

And, I am tired.  I thought the tent emoji was a turkey, and I kept rereading to try to figure out how Gary was going to use a gospel turkey to reach the lost.  I finally figured out it was a tent, which Gary still isn't going to reach any lost souls with his dumb tent.  I think he'd have more luck with a turkey

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

13 minutes ago, Joyster said:

If I'm reading this correctly, God only punishes people he loves. Gary's message sounds like a threat.

You've got it. In Gary's world, loving parents beat the crap out of you if you do something they don't like. Apparently, so does God.

 

[postscript]

I’m terriBle at screenshots, but Gary is now ranting about people being able to get up for work but not for church (“but can’t be a Church on time”). He ends with “it’s the LORD that gave us the jobs.” No, Gary. There’s no “us” about it, since it’s been years since you even pretended to work. Another irony meter bites the dust. 

And now I have “Get Me to the Church on Time” running through my head in full, plummy Cockney. 

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, postscript said:

I’m terriBle at screenshots, but Gary is now ranting about people being able to get up for work but not for church

Gary really doesn't realise that people like him preaching rubbish and wanting money is not exactly more attractive than sleeping in, going for a bike ride, having brunch, cleaning the house, watching a movie, reading a book, or just taking a break to a large number of people. I mean you can stay home and doomscroll on twitter for a similar read to Gary's "preaching" and it's cheaper - and depending on who you follow quite probably more spiritual and Biblically accurate. Also you can play better music and sing along...

[thoughtful]

Speaking as one of those "Yankees," Scott and Gary, I can assure you that you are not needed.

Spoiler

 

[AmazonGrace]

Huh I thought God loves everybody.

[thoughtful]

Becky posted:

Spoiler

Personally, I'm pretty sure there is a 0.00% chance of the latter. But, even for someone who does believe in an afterlife and judgment day, it's not an either-or choice.

Participation in sports is not about becoming a professional athlete for most normal kids and non-crazy parents - it's just a fun and healthy activity that teaches lots of life lessons.

And, if your cult didn't insist on three Sunday services and one during the week, scheduling everything might be easier for people.

I will never understand the insistence on all of that time in church, especially since their preaching consists of the same few ideas over and over. It just makes their preaching and praying seem inefficient, not godly.

[thoughtful]

I've been lax in my Gary-listening during the heat wave we are having (the comfortable seating for long times at the computer is not in the same room as the air conditioner that is working well, and either AC prevents me from hearing a lot of what he's saying, with the barely-working microphone he's using). But it will try to finish the 7/17 evening service.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+10%3A38-50&version=KJV

KJV: And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.
BGV: And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his words man ah tellya raht now, when Jesus is speakin' we oughta tune in.

KJV: But Martha was cumbered about much serving
BGV: But Martha was more cunning about much serving

Now I'm picturing Martha sneaking up on her guests with food, and slipping it onto the table unseen, before tiptoeing back to the kitchen.

"What about yer salvation on this part - ya lose yer focus."

This sounds promising, especially after Gary's addendum to the verse about Mary listening to Jesus. Could Gary actually be about to demonstrate that he finally understands the Mary and Martha story, and that Mary kept her focus on Jesus' words, which were more important than kitchen work, even for women?

Nope. The next thing he says is, "There she is." Then he imitates Martha's whining: "'Well, Lord, she's not helpin' me. Well, if she ain't gotta do it, then ah ain't gotta do it.' You ever heard somebody say 'Well, so-an'-so done it, so you know it's OK.'" 

He still thinks Martha's complaining, and somehow trying to give herself permission not to work, because Mary isn't, is the whole point to the story.

And he ties it to preachers and pastors who "quit," but Gary's not gong to follow their example - he's not quitting.

Damn.

He does his routine about how they never slowed down in the past few years when other people lost revivals, adding "There's nothin' special 'bout me, ah don' know wha God let me keep goin'. Ah guess he figured ah needed the money better'n they did amen."

Lots of familiar Garyblab follows, punctuated with a few references back to Martha complaining.

While on the subject of godbothering and doorknocking, he says, "An' ah'manna say somethin' to ya. If the worse thing you get is somebody slammin' a door in your face or cussin' you, you ain't done enough. You say 'Wha?' They beat Jesus with a cat-o-nine-tails. They slapped Jesus aroun', spit in 'is face!"

Gary says he texts "prob'ly a couple hundred" other preachers every Saturday night, to let them know somebody's praying for them and cares about them. And he wants them to be focused.

Sure, Gary  - you want them to be focused on picturing your tent set up on their grounds.

After his usual bit about how pastors and their wives should be appreciated all year, not just during the official appreciation months, Gary gives us this fascinating tidbit, which starts out in an informational tone, then turns to joking-teasing mode:

"Ah text a preacher this morning - ah, this afternoon - 'cause ah was supposed t'have somethin' shipped here, but then we come to fahnd out the sinder all of a sudden moved! Ah didn't know the preacher moved, but he did ah'm sorry t'tell all that amen. Y'all thought he was at the doctor's office. Breaking the news! Amen, preacher ah'm helpin' ya out!"

I believe "sinder" is "sender." But I still can't figure out what he's trying to say. If he is talking about their pastor (who is at home, sick), then it would be the recipient's address, not the sender. There is nothing before or after this to give it any context, or even a reason Gary is saying it.

Losing focus, indeed.

"Am ah makin' sense. Focus! Go t'Luke chapter 22. What tahm does Ah Love Lucy come ohn ah wanna make sure y'all git t'watch that. Luke chapter 22, look in verses 54."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+22%3A54-60&version=KJV

A mess, the worst of which is:

KJV: And about the space of one hour after another confidently affirmed, saying, Of a truth this fellow also was with him: for he is a Galilaean.
BGV: And about the space of one hour another confirm -  conf - confir -  conFURRendly affirmed, sayin', Of the truth this fella also was with him: for he is a Galereenian. 

Gallereenian sounds like someone who lives in an art gallery.

"How about this? In yer Christian lahf bein' ashamed of Jesus."

"Ah was talkin' to a preacher frienda mahn last naht, an' he lived besahd a Catholic."

Gary tells them that the preacher friend never could "save" the Catholic man he "lived beside" (makes him sound like a body of water), who died. Gary, of course, knows he is burning in Hell. He tells them that, at the man's funeral, he's pretty sure someone placed one hand on the casket, the other in the air, and thought they were commending him up to Heaven.

He has said, in the past, that he saw this done by the Methodist minister (a woman!) at his grandmother's funeral, so I guess he thinks it's a thing lots of non-Baptists do (Methodist, Catholic, what's the difference, to Gary?), and that they imagine it magically sends their deceased up to Heaven.

Lots of old Gary riffs follow, on the theme of not being ashamed of Jesus. He tells them about his bumper stickers: "On the backa mah truck, ah got sahns out there that says, uh, somethin' about  a drop fall or whatever, in Hell's not gonna work, an' ah cain't remember what the other one says but it's some kinda scripture oh there, an' now here's the one ah really git in trouble ohn, an' it says 'Build the wall an' th'crime will fall' HAYMEH! An' ah take that t'upstate New York an' ah enjoy mahself."

I don't think that last one is biblical, Gary.

In case you are wondering, FJers, I think the first one is something like this.

He says he also has a jacket with scripture on it, which he wears when he goes to "extercahse."

He's not ashamed when people throw him off of their property for preaching at them.

"We was up in Chicago. We're on the streets, an' this gah - ah guess it was a gah - ah don't know. Ah don't even know how y'know what people are man, if you wanna be a man, put a beard ohn, least ah know whatcha are, amen."

We interrupt this rant to show you Gary, pre-beard:

Spoiler

 

Oh, sorry - that third one is a naked (nekkid!) mole rat. My mistake.

Did you think you looked androgynous back then, Gary?

"On the sad part, women startin' t'be able t'do that too." He gives a shudder and makes a sound something like "Godaaagginninn." The captions seem to think he wants a beverage.

Spoiler

Back to Chicago. It's the story of the really big guy who said he wasn't interested in Jesus - nothing new in this telling, other than his adding that the man ran away from them as soon as the light changed.

"Had another woman t'tell me t'shut up 2-3 tahms.

Sounds like they were godbothering pedestrians who were trapped where they were while waiting for a light to change.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+4%3A17&version=KJV

"What about maybe sin don't look as bad as it used to. Y'know, they just turned over this . . . Wave an' Row, ah can never say it raht, but you know what ah'm talkin' about."

He means Roe v. Wade. He says there are Baptist preachers who said they shouldn't have done it.

"Sin. Sin still kills, but people are wallerin' in it." He suddenly screams, "Good people are wallerin' in it, "suddenly quiet, "an' thinkin' they're doin' God a favor."

"Wallerin'" is "wallowing," in case that wasn't clear.

"Who would've ever thought - lemme say somethin', lemme say this. Ah'm not like a - ah'm not a  Steve Anderson, I - not whatsoever, that man is wrong! Ah believe if a sodomaht walks in the door an' they receive Jesus Chrise, God will forgive 'em an' they'll git saved but they'll walk away from the lahfstahl. HAYMEN! But have you noticed that the churches are all of a sudden now accepting 'em? Not acceptin' their - ah don't know - listen, hey - we accept them, not the sin."

Yeah, Gary - you didn't exactly make yourself clear, there. I'm pretty sure you are grossed out by the same people Steve is, you just want them to get "saved," preferably far away from you.

"You remember Abraham? What did Abraham ask God? He said 'If ah kin fahnd 50, an' it went down to 40, an' then he went ohn down an' went ohn down - they could not fahnd ten people in Sodomy that would live for God."

My adult self is noticing that Gary still doesn't know the name of the town. My inner  12-year-old likes Gary's clueless description of Abraham repeatedly going down.

"We need to preach against sin. Liquor's wrong! It's a mawk, what's Proverbs says!"

Spoiler

"You got people sayin', 'Well, Jesus drank wahn.' Man, why'ntchu study yer bahble? why'ntchu rahtly divahd yer bahble?"

He does not explain, of course. Somehow, saved people are just supposed to know that, when the bible says wine, it doesn't mean wine, unless it's preaching against drunkenness. Or something.

"Listen, ah hope every sinner in Akron gits borned agin, saved bah th'grace of God, t'come, but don't tell 'em t'come as they are. You say "Wha?' Well, they might just decahd t'come outta th'shower an' come on over."

Captions:

Spoiler

"In North Carolahna, on the coast of North Carolahna, they got a nudisty - center, whatever ya call it. It's sin."

And Gary shrieks about nekkidness being unacceptable for a while, then babbles randomly about political issues - Biden going to Israel, Jesus will reject the US like he turned his back on Israel if people don't get right, the coming plandemic, the stupid governor of NC, "If Walmarts is open, they can't make you close yer church. HAYMEN! THAT'S GOOD!"

He does his bit about Paul saying he'd be all things to all men didn't mean he went to the beer joints, or down into the ditch. The devil's after the young people, be careful of giving them cell phones.

"We're just so desperate that we'll cut the TV on just t'see what Joe Bahden's doin'. An' he don't even know what he's doin',  so wha would we wanna know what he's doin' amen? Ah said it about three months ago the real president stepped up an' had a speech - Obama! AMEN!"

This gets a big laugh, of course.

"Go t'Luke chapter 18 an' ah'm done." He never tells them the starting verse, but I find it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A10-12&version=KJV

KJV:  I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers
BGV:  I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, exhorters, unjust, adulters

Gary's got nothing to boast on but Jesus, get in your prayer closet, beat your breast and call yourself a poor sinner, like the publican, and you'll get God's attention.

"An' ah wanna say, ah'm not talkin' bad about anybody, but you know wha  people don't come back on Sundee naht? Their salvation ain't that deep. Amen. See, when ah got in, ah got in all the way. Ah cain't miss a service ya say 'Wha?' Ah'm lahble t'miss somethin'. Amen? Ah want mah salvation t'be true an' ah want people t'know that ah've got somethin' that ah say ah have."

He launches into his final prayer, and 17 seconds before the end . . . I kid you not . . . the microphone begins to work!

Gary never seems to recognize these signs from God.

Edited August 5, 2022 by thoughtful
riffle, and to add a little nekkidness . . .

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I will never understand the insistence on all of that time in church, especially since their preaching consists of the same few ideas over and over. It just makes their preaching and praying seem inefficient, not godly.

Quoting myself (sorry), just to say I do know why they do it - it's church as mind-numbing, repetitive, chanting indoctrination, with a side order of more chances to give money and lay on guilt.

They're not like those heathen, sinning mainstream people who only need a short time to worship and hear an actually helpful and inspiring message from a member of the clergy.

[Xan]

39 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says he texts "prob'ly a couple hundred" other preachers every Saturday night, to let them know somebody's praying for them and cares about them. And he wants them to be focused.

If anyone here believes that Gary texts more than 20 preachers on an occasional Saturday night, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that they might want to buy.

41 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

You got people sayin', 'Well, Jesus drank wahn.' Man, why'ntchu study yer bahble? why'ntchu rahtly divahd yer bahble?"

Of all the weird fundie things, this insistence that wine isn't wine is one of the strangest.  They're so afraid of alcohol that they can't even admit Jesus drank wine.

I want to hear more about that nudisty center in NC...

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, Xan said:

If anyone here believes that Gary texts more than 20 preachers on an occasional Saturday night, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that they might want to buy.

Why, @Xan, how could you not believe Gary?

I wonder if "a couple hundred" is like "the other day" and "a preacher frienda mahn" - just one of those phrases that fall out of his face when he can't think of numbers or names, or keep track of time.

I can definitely believe that he wastes huge amounts of time texting people - just not 200 every Saturday night.

[postscript]

I thought it might be one mass text. I can’t imagine Gary typing or even dictating that message more than once. However, I’m sure he’s using creative figures. Since he regularly seems to fight with his preacher acquaintances over obscure doctrinal points, he can’t possibly be texting them about how much he cares for them. But this does help with the never-ending mystery of what Gary does all day. 

”Put a beard on” makes me envision everyone running around in fake beards. I’m normally not a fan of facial hair, nor do I find Gary in any way, shape or form attractive. But the beard actually improves his looks. Without it, he looks like a giant slug. 

“Gallereenian” made me think of galley slaves.