"M" Is for Mama 12: Birth Control Should Have Been Your BFF

[danvillebelle]

She puts basic things like feeding herself and her kids, showering (or not, in her case LOL), grocery shopping, etc. on her lists to make her look busier than she actually is.  The older kids are doing a LOT of the work.

[JermajestyDuggar]

I’m a stay at home mom and I guess I could make a list to make myself look busy too. If I actually think about it, it would go something like this: 

wake up with boys, make boys breakfast, get book bags/lunch packed up, take kids to school, make myself breakfast, do dishes, clean up house, start laundry, feed cat, etc etc etc. My list would look pretty long like I do a ton but it’s not a big deal at all. Her Monday lists make me roll my eyes so hard. 

[SassyPants]

35 minutes ago, danvillebelle said:

She puts basic things like feeding herself and her kids, showering (or not, in her case LOL), grocery shopping, etc. on her lists to make her look busier than she actually is.  The older kids are doing a LOT of the work.

Honesty, unlike Alyssa Webster’s picture perfect house 24/7, I’d bet Chez Halberstadt is likely in complete disarray much of the time when cameras are not in use.  You can’t be lazy and checked out when you have a family of 12, with many little kids in the mix, and much of the group at home the majority of the time. Plus they live rurally and don’t seem to have much hard scape surrounding their home. Things would get out of hand very quickly.

I can absolutely guarantee you that the upper level of that house is a pig sty-

 

ETA- people who live in multi -story homes know. In my current case, it’s the downstairs bedroom/office that is a mess-

Edited March 21, 2022 by SassyPants

[SuperNova]

1 hour ago, danvillebelle said:

She puts basic things like feeding herself and her kids, showering (or not, in her case LOL), grocery shopping, etc. on her lists to make her look busier than she actually is.  The older kids are doing a LOT of the work.

I can sort of see the value. I have some chronic health issues that can be debilitating when I have a flare up. In order to feel productive on down days, I make a to-done list at the end of the day that includes even the simplest of tasks. It helps me track my energy levels and it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes taking a shower and eating lunch is genuine progress. 

Abbie appear to suffer from some pretty serious anxiety issues. I wouldn't be surprised if these lists include simple tasks because she needs to constantly feel that sense of accomplishment. She has a pathological need to run herself ragged in order to feel that the day was a success. Perhaps on slow days she pads the list for that adrenaline rush of "I did more than you".

[BensAllergies]

@SuperNova I am similar except for me I get anxiety looking at my “must do” list. Like call the health insurance company to appeal a denied claim, or other tasks that I hate doing but need to be done. If I put basic things down like make the bed, eat breakfast, take a shower, then I feel more empowered to tackle the other stuff. That way I spend two hours in the morning feeling like I accomplished something rather than procrastinating for two hours and then feeling bad that I wasted all that time.

[mhainlen]

10 hours ago, SassyPants said:

I just noticed something on her IG Motivate Monday List. The first item is feed Twinbies. Does she usually put feeding her babies on her chore list? Well, she also put “eat lunch” on the list. She is just odd. I wish there was something motivating or inspirational I could find in Abbie and her ways, but everything about her approach rubs me the wrong way.

I noticed that on a past Motivate Monday list.  Trying to figure out how it is that she only needs to feed them once (unless this list is different than the one I saw a few weeks ago, in which case ignore me). My infant demands to eat far more than once per day. 

[zee_four]

On 3/20/2022 at 6:20 AM, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

What I'd like to hear more about, beside the v*sectomies" (oh how cute - not) are "school choices"  and "church hurt.

What school choices? The kids are all home schooled. Surely Braggie is not thinking of sending the children to an actual school.  And "church hurt" What does that mean?  Is her church mean to her? Is she mad at the church because they're not as super sparkly, shiny, happy Jesus-y as Braggie is?  Is the church not fawning all over Braggie for writing a book while being a homeschooling mother of 10?

By school choices they mean legalized segregation for white children at public charter schools that require donations or parental volunteering eliminating most low income families of color, or in already very white suburban school districts public charter schools that teach conservative evangelical "Christianity" so they don't have to pay for the crappy private "Christian" schools that have popped up alongside mega churches and their smaller versions across the country, complete with ABeka, only 7 day creationism, abstinence only that's taught through lies and shame especially on girls, and they can make sure no single pregnant slurs or gay men teach. They want the same thing as a public charter school so their tax dollars pay for that.

School of choice is a questionable, ineffective attempt to address struggling low income "inner city" schools. Especially in communities of color. For the last decade the cause has been hijacked by alt right evangelicals to tear apart public schools and spearhead the 21st century version of 1950s and 60s arguments for segregated schools, same amount of racism just now its hidden under euphemisms about "neighborhood schools" and "teaching character and values" and "ensuring their children aren't held back by children who aren't at the same level, have behavioral problems or don't have the language skills." They mean brown and black kids and ELA students. As a former teacher in a district that's been completely decimated by charter schools except for one or two elementary schools in nice new developments. The well off white kids who are native English speakers were the most out of control, disrupting class, always had an excuse forbwhy they didn't have to improve their behavior or treat other students and teachers with respect. At the high school that's still 50/50 well off white and working class Latine both groups have less than 10% behind grade level in English according to state tests. 

So yeah its not only classist and racist.... it's just wrong. 

The homeschoolers claim its still an issue that effects them because their tax dollars are going towards evil public schools with critical race theory and teaching how to have gay orgies and since they're better teachers than public school teachers who went to minimum 4 years of college, did student teaching, do continuing education. Of course the barely literate fundie moms who give their kids workbooks and KJV 1611 Bibles are superior and know what's best for everyone's education.

A chance to be racist but hidden under euphemisms, a chance to show off what a great teacher and homeschool mom she is which means she knows waaaaay more about teaching and schools than anyone else, and a chance to shove conservative fundie evangelical "Christianity" down everyone's throats and violate the Constitution because only the first ammendment that allows Christians to do whatever they want for the faith without any opposition and to have guns matter....

Of course Braggie would be all about it!!!

Edited March 22, 2022 by zee_four

[JermajestyDuggar]

6 hours ago, mhainlen said:

I noticed that on a past Motivate Monday list.  Trying to figure out how it is that she only needs to feed them once (unless this list is different than the one I saw a few weeks ago, in which case ignore me). My infant demands to eat far more than once per day. 

My youngest at the twins’ age still wanted nurse throughout the day. I doubt I could count because it wasn’t scheduled. It was just when he wanted to. 

[feministxtian]

@zee_four I'm not sure your characterization of charter schools is quite right. I teach in a charter school. Its geared especially FOR kids of color, kids who don't "fit" in the public school system, nerds, geeks, ASD, etc. In my small class of 8, there are 2 on an IEP. We bust our asses (teachers and staff) to assure that our kids leave with skills and/or college credits. For example, my CAD students are not just learning the program and how to design, they're also prepping for the certification test. Next year, as we're revamping the program, they'll leave at the end of the year with 2 maybe 3 certifications, all transferrable, immediately to our business partners for jobs. Other kids will leave with a fist full of CISCO certifications. My daughter's company is already scouting some of our seniors. 

So...while your experience may be true, it's not what I know. Actually, I don't know of a single charter school that teaches religion in any form (based on meetings I've attended). I realize that charter schools are a topic of some friction. Thing is, there's always been "school choice". Back in the dark ages when I was growing up, there were a number of "private" schools available, from secular and expensive, to religious and inexpensive. Even then it was to "drain" the white kids from the PS system. The private schools I went to then were 100% white. I didn't have a POC classmate or teacher until I went to college. 

My kids went to public schools (in the same city I grew up in) and they were often the minority. The schools were not academically sound for the most part, there was violence. I used to have to correct the grammar and spelling of some of the teachers! This is NOT the atmosphere I want for any student. My kids dropped out. 

I don't know what the answer to the whole school issue is. All I know is that if we let parents (who usually don't know shit from shinola) overtake the pros when it comes to curriculum, teaching styles, etc, our kids will end up virtually illiterate at some point down the road (think 2nd/3rd gen fundie homeschoolers). But remember, in reality, it's a minority of parents who are up in arms. They get the press. The parents who just send their kids to school, take the time to enforce standards, and go on their way are the majority. The minority of parents are militant and determined to have their own way. The best way to handle that is to figuratively slap them down (See Douglas County school board). Fortunately, my school is not part of DC schools. With all the stink that's been raised, our middle and high schools in DC are slated to be FULL come fall. We're hiring teachers like crazy. Is that the answer? Drain the public school system until all that's left are the crazies? 

[fluffernutter]

16 hours ago, SuperNova said:

I can sort of see the value. I have some chronic health issues that can be debilitating when I have a flare up. In order to feel productive on down days, I make a to-done list at the end of the day that includes even the simplest of tasks. It helps me track my energy levels and it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes taking a shower and eating lunch is genuine progress. 

Abbie appear to suffer from some pretty serious anxiety issues. I wouldn't be surprised if these lists include simple tasks because she needs to constantly feel that sense of accomplishment. She has a pathological need to run herself ragged in order to feel that the day was a success. Perhaps on slow days she pads the list for that adrenaline rush of "I did more than you".

I feel you so much. ❤️  I have chronic inflammation and am in the middle of a flare. We just had a death in my husband's family, the adult kids all coming home with their spouses for the funeral and a visit, and not eating foods that help keep my inflammation at bay has me hurting this week. So I got out my list yesterday. It's making some calls, doing a load of laundry, dust one room per day,  things like that. Little things that help me feel like I'm not doing anything. I am doing stuff, just not at a normal pace to people without health issues. 

[SunnySide]

18 hours ago, SassyPants said:

Honesty, unlike Alyssa Webster’s picture perfect house 24/7, I’d bet Chez Halberstadt is likely in complete disarray much of the time when cameras are not in use.  You can’t be lazy and checked out when you have a family of 12, with many little kids in the mix, and much of the group at home the majority of the time. Plus they live rurally and don’t seem to have much hard scape surrounding their home. Things would get out of hand very quickly.

I can absolutely guarantee you that the upper level of that house is a pig sty-

 

ETA- people who live in multi -story homes know. In my current case, it’s the downstairs bedroom/office that is a mess-

When my sister had her two children almost back-to-back (it was planned, they did it for medical reasons and stopped at the two kids). That was a way of survival when company came over until the kids were about 4-5. Clean up the downstairs, make it presentable and for no reason are you to let anyone upstairs because it was its own nightmare. 

[Alisamer]

11 hours ago, mhainlen said:

I noticed that on a past Motivate Monday list.  Trying to figure out how it is that she only needs to feed them once (unless this list is different than the one I saw a few weeks ago, in which case ignore me). My infant demands to eat far more than once per day. 

She has a team of older kids to take care of them the rest of the day. 

I just read her post about the girls cooking on Saturday morning. What a bitch! Two young kids, on their own initiative, choosing to get up early on a Saturday to make a hot breakfast for the whole family... and she's complaining about it?!?!?! WTAF? If she was worried about them not making something correctly, why not check in with them the night before and make sure they have a recipe and all the ingredients ready? It might take what, 10 minutes maximum? It seems like with a bare minimum of actual parenting she could have had "delicious hot breakfasts" much earlier in the process, but it sounds like she just "suffered" with "chip-your-tooth scones" forever while the kids muddled through on their own. 

If the girls ever read that post I hope they realize how ungrateful she is and let her cook her own damn breakfast. She seems like the type of person whose kids are likely to deliberately search out opportunities far away from home, as soon as they are old enough, and find ways to limit the duration of their visits back home. 

[SunnySide]

@zee_four and @feministxtian

 

In my area of Pennsylvania there are only three charter schools. We’re a smaller city so it makes sense. I don’t know what it’s like in other areas but here getting into the charter schools is not easy. They are also set up to cater to a very diverse population that is underserved. Because the cost of living in our region is pretty low we are one of the areas that was chosen by the federal government to help take on refugees as they rebuild their lives and work towards citizenship. It’s done wonders for our economy, culture and area to have more diversity (think cultural fairs, a really nice local food scene and so on). To even be eligible for two of the schools you must first be from an underserved community and meet criteria for being considered low-income. Then you have to have proof of some sort of learning, emotional, mental, cognitive disability. Anything from a student on an IEP to students who may be on the Autism spectrum. The class sizes at both schools are capped to give teachers and TA’s more time with students. The other school is slightly more  lax but it’s a high school geared towards students wanting to pursue anything medical or medical technology. Even with that there’s an application process, and you have to make certain grades in certain courses to be considered (from what I understand students have to speak to why they want to be there. You can’t just wake up one day and say I’m going to MedicinePrep High School). I know that I can’t and shouldn’t speak to how every charter school is run. It’s amazing how different it can be from place to place. Where I am it’s a good education based off the PA public school curriculum guides. 

[So-Virgin-It-Hurts]

I use to-do lists as a tool and motivator; often with tasks I'd rather avoid (e.g. clean cat boxes, pick-up dog poop, clean kitchen, etc.). The difference is I don't post the list publicly or present it as a comment on how much I do vs. how little you do. Braggie is so predictable. 

[SunnySide]

I just saw/read the breakfast post. I tell you what. I love my family. I respect my parents. But if I ever grew up to find out via Google/old Facebook posts/FJ/friends and family that might let me in on the fact that my mom is an insane narcissist; that my mom wrote something that nasty about me attempting to help her when I was a child with what seems to be little to no guidance I would lose my ever loving mind and anything resembling respect would go out the window. This is the kind of behavior from parents that when your kids figure it out and see it for what it is, all it will do is alienate them. 

[feministxtian]

@SunnySide our school is a STEM type school. We have a partnership with a community college to offer the students up to 60 hours (4 semesters) of college credit. In other words, they can graduate high school AND get an associates degree at the same time. We also offer CISCO certs, Microsoft certs, CNA, EMT, and others too. So, our "niche" is the kid who doesn't necessarily want to go to a 4 year college. The other schools in our network have other niches. Getting in isn't that easy either. BUT, we're not looking for the top GPA kids or the athletes. Our kids are bright but maybe disinterested in school, the homeschoolers (we have a program for part-time attendance for homeschoolers), the ASD, the ADHD kids, kids with mental health issues, not your "average, white middle class kid".  Our school is small enough to provide a safe, small environment for these kids. Our biggest classes are capped at 20 kids...those would be the "standard" classes and electives. ALL kids are required to get the Microsoft certs before graduation. CISCO and my certs are electives. We have a strong robotics program, we're working on expanding that. We work with some of the big aerospace firms here (Lockheed, Boeing, Ball Aerospace) to tailor our programs to their requirements. Our IT program is really starting to get noticed, some companies are offering summer internships for those kids, our medical programs are also in conjunction with one of the hospital systems here and those kids do co-op or internships too. Mostly, the intent is that our graduates can move into a career path right away or be able to finish a 4 year degree in 2 years. 

The teachers and staff are crazy dedicated. Because our school has only been open for 2 years, we're still getting going. Every staff member and teacher is doing multiple jobs. We don't get paid for shit, but we also don't have to deal with a nameless, faceless, top down administration. Our "head of school" (principal) is able to make quite a few decisions without having to go to our board. When it was decided that I would be made head of the STEM program, I was handed the requirements and told to develop the classes and let him know what kind of equipment, textbooks and so on that I'd need. I don't have a teaching degree, heck, I don't have a 4 year degree. Experience, I got plenty of that. There are some "typical" teachers, most with advanced degrees, and then there's those of us who don't have 4 year degrees. However, for the practical type programs, the requirement is experience in the field and ability to convey information. I've been "reviewed" twice (that is, our dean of students or head of school sits in class just to watch) and have gotten many compliments on how I handle/teach the class. So, it's more of a non-traditional school, with non-traditional teachers. The kids are learning and growing. We have some issues with skipping classes, but that's about our biggest issue. 

In our faculty meetings, we discuss kids whose grades aren't great. Then we discuss how to motivate the kid to get their grades up. The biggest question is "what can we do?". Depending on the kid and the subject, there's offers to tutor the kiddo, talk to parents, find professional help, whatever might help. Even though I'm currently not certified to teach certain classes, there are some kids who I tutor in those classes. I have a small roster of "regulars". We consider it a compliment and privilege to have these kids. The teachers who are "public school refugees" are thrilled to be at our school. They get handed the state requirements and then told pretty much "incorporate these in your classes...figure it out". 

Our financing is interesting, I don't understand it. There's buckets of money that come from a variety of places including the state (mostly the Community College budget). We don't take $$ from the county school budget. It makes us able to offer small classes, individualized classes/tutoring, outside school services, and relationships with the students. We're not cycling 35 kids through, 6 times a day. Personally, I think sticking 3k teenagers in one building is a bad idea anyway. I'd like to see ALL schools cap enrollment at maybe 500 kids with class sizes no more than maybe 25. Ahhh...its a dream. Again, I have no real answers for the system at large, but I don't think charter schools are part of the problem. 

[SunnySide]

On 2/19/2022 at 4:03 PM, SassyPants said:

And not to be a BEC, just how I see it, babies 9 and 10 and another twin pregnancy really have aged her. She is right in that she has not bounced right back. I also think it’s curious that there has been no pregnancy announcement. Thirty nine isn’t that old…maybe there is not as much sex as she claims, tandem showers and all🤣

I will always find it annoying how fundies think us regular folks are sex-crazed monsters who think of absolutely nothing else as we wear our pants and sip our Satan juice (alcohol). Yet, as a pants wearing heathen I have never once given any detail about my sex life on social media. Yet fundies do all the time. Which is just a huge “yuck” and “no” from me. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve discussed something as personal as showering with a significant other while chatting with a friend during a girls night or whatever. I think the last time I may have said something about my personal life to a close friend might have been in my early 20’s…? Around the time we were all settling into having our first serious significant others and those kinds of conversations centered on “is this normal? Am I normal? I really don’t want to Google that!”

[SunnySide]

On 2/17/2022 at 2:22 PM, fluffernutter said:

I know someone who brags about poor hygiene.  Along the lines of "I've been up since 5:00 a.m. doing this and this and this and I didn't even have time to get a shower!" Like a "super-productive thing", or a "what I'm doing is so important it supersedes selfish self-care" thing. She is also a fundie-lite. I always think about the whole cleanliness is next to godliness, but what do I know? I'm a heathen. 🤷‍♀️

A former friend of mine was a martyr of the “busy” as I like to call it. She wasn’t Fundie and had no children at the time but she was the first person to tell you how long she had been up, how much she had done, and how much more was left to do. She acted like nobody else could ever possibly be busy or work as hard as her. Being human that (and some other things) really started to bother me about her personality/attitude.  If anyone else in our friend group would say “yeah that’s a lot, we’ve had a rough day too, the kids were up early, we both worked and everyone had to be fed and out of the house by 6pm for the basketball game tonight” she would get SO upset. Like being busy was her stake to fall on and hers only. I feel like it’s a weird badge of honor for some people. What really ticked me off is when she began constantly crying and upset about how she and her husband couldn’t get pregnant and she was just too busy at work to possibly ever schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist.

[SassyPants]

Today, I finally unfollowed her. I can’t give her the hit. She needs professional help, not a profit and attention producing audience.

[danvillebelle]

My mother basically equates being busy with being a good person.  It's one of the many reasons her visits are a nightmare for me.  We are a quiet, sedentary household; my husband watches youtube and documentaries, I stitch, read, garden, and listen to music.  It's so grating when she's here because she's constantly moving and saying "Let's go do X".

[Alisamer]

1 hour ago, SunnySide said:

What really ticked me off is when she began constantly crying and upset about how she and her husband couldn’t get pregnant and she was just too busy at work to possibly ever schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist.

How did she expect to find time for all the prenatal appointments, then? If you can't manage to schedule a couple hours to make an effort to concieve the kid, you're surely not going to have time to raise one...

[feministxtian]

Re: Busy

Not me yo! Today for instance: got up late, zoomed into my math class. Made coffee and fed felines. did homework. Got ready for school. Now at school teaching. Subbing next period. Zooming into English later today because my ankle is killing me and I ain't walking that far. Mixed into that is picking up the shit the cat threw on the floor, do dishes, do homework, zoom into bible group tonight, start an essay and then go the hell to bed. Somewhere in there is eating, showering, fucking off and staring into space. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

44 minutes ago, danvillebelle said:

My mother basically equates being busy with being a good person.  It's one of the many reasons her visits are a nightmare for me.  We are a quiet, sedentary household; my husband watches youtube and documentaries, I stitch, read, garden, and listen to music.  It's so grating when she's here because she's constantly moving and saying "Let's go do X".

My mom and sister are the same. I am the odd one out in my family. I hate being busy. 

[Alisamer]

I like being busy at work - it's stressful but makes the time go faster. I don't like being busy at home, unless it's doing things I want to do. Generally at home I'm happy to just exist. 

But if I'm out of town somewhere? I'm going to be busy, probably. I feel like I can rest at home. If I'm at the beach, then lounging on the beach reading a book counts. But elsewhere, I want to be doing something, seeing something, going somewhere. I get antsy sitting around if I'm traveling. There's stuff to SEE out there! 

The last time I went to the beach was actually unusually relaxing - usually we spend the first half of the day on the beach, then go somewhere in the afternoon/evening. But it rained a few days in the evenings, so we ended up playing games and doing puzzles and I did several drawings. If I'd been somewhere I'd never been I'd have been putting a poncho on and heading out into it, but it was a beach I have been to many times, so no big deal. 

But being "busy" isn't a badge of honor. It's just a part of life sometimes.

Like when you have 10 kids...

[SunnySide]

1 hour ago, danvillebelle said:

My mother basically equates being busy with being a good person.  It's one of the many reasons her visits are a nightmare for me.  We are a quiet, sedentary household; my husband watches youtube and documentaries, I stitch, read, garden, and listen to music.  It's so grating when she's here because she's constantly moving and saying "Let's go do X".

Many years ago when I started visiting family out of town they were always so kind and would ask what sort of touristy things I would like to do. I always let my host/hostess list some items and I picked one or two. One of my cousins is very considerate and once asked me if those few things “felt like enough”. I explained that while she was nice to ask I flew down to spend time with her and her family. That making BBQ dinner at home, watching a movie, or having a conversation while walking her dogs was just fine with me. I try to be cautious of doing too much when visiting others, especially if they are letting me stay in their home and not pay for a hotel. 

1 hour ago, Alisamer said:

How did she expect to find time for all the prenatal appointments, then? If you can't manage to schedule a couple hours to make an effort to concieve the kid, you're surely not going to have time to raise one...

I am not really sure. I don’t think I ever thought that far because I was just blindsided but the idea that her work was more important than this potential child she claimed to want. I tried having a conversation with her about priorities and how it’s okay to delegate tasks. That work would be fine without her for a few days. She just wouldn’t hear any of it. She’s also the person who has 500 hours of PTO and refuses to use it.  I think busy was her badge of honor and a way to get attention. Like I said some other things happened in the friendship that made it clear I didn’t need to stick around.