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Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People


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9 hours ago, Xan said:

What I don't understand is how they tolerate his nasty comments about, for example, the preacher's wife.  In this case, he is "teasing" Miss Jeannie.  I've been around this shit before and it's just nasty, bullying comments but they call it teasing.  I have no idea why Becky is laughing.

I'm with you, especially since I think Becky is genuinely fond of Jeannie. It's very weird.

People who live in that atmosphere of constantly picking at one another probably lose sight of the fact that most of us don't live that way, always on guard, always looking for a possible punch line, never permitted to say "that's not funny and it hurts," or even "can't we just talk?"

I've learned how to avoid, redirect or ignore that shit, with help from kind people and many years of practice. But I still hate it, and it can still hurt me. I'm happy to say I haven't had people like that in my life for quite a while now.

And, as someone who values humor, I think it's so fucking lazy. Predictable insult humor is for people who have no clue of how to be funny, won't work at it, and want to get laughs with no effort.

It just seems especially awful to me because it's being done in a place and by people that are supposed to provide moral guidance. Shouldn't church be the place where those in authority are saying "choose to be kind?" and "focus on what's important?"

I know - these churches are not like that. But damn.

Oh, and I forgot the most appropriate catalog song of all in that last post - The Begat, from Finnian's Rainbow.

When we left Gary asking What Would You Do With Jesus (no mention of a Klondike bar), he was about to read from Proverbs. He flips through his Bible, holding an open water bottle right over it, dangerously near his page-flipping hand.

But no - neither another water event nor a reading from the Bible ensues. Gary gets all excited again, and steps in front of the lectern, saying "D'you know when you went an' got a job, wherever you gotta go you know what? When she" (he points) "started in th'Army, ah promise you she didn't start as a supervahsor, or a leader. Y'gotta start down at th'bottom of the pole an' make yer way up amen? An' they can, an' people can see what kinda material ya are an' how quick y'can get from point A t'point B or wherever y'need t'be that's th'way, that's th'way it is with the Bahble, amen?"

He returns to the Bible, and reads so fast that two verses sound like one long word.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV

Trust in the Lord, not the government, not the almighty dollar, God owns all the money, etc.The government's going bankrupt, a process which, of course, started before Trump, and "he got us goin' the raht way, but then they kicked him out so we can go the wrong way."

Not only does Gary not trust in the government or money, "Ah don't trust every church ah go to."

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He dips down into his mocking voice, and continues, quoting the imaginary person lecturing him, "'If it's a church building, it says God, you all ought to know you can trust it.' Man. Somebody's got t'get some screws tahtened up. Amen."

He circles his finger around his ear:

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"Is that what they usedta do, when _______ (babble) crazy?"

Yeah, Gary, that's what they used to do.

Gary says that, if you trust in God, He will show you to the right church. He also says God doesn't show up in some churches.

"You believe this or believe it not, ah go t'churches all th'tahm, an' ah git up an' ah preach an' ah say how in the name a'God did we even have church, 'cause ah'm not even sure if ah hadn'ta showed up an' if ah hadn'ta brought God, ah'm not even sure He's there!"

Modest Gary, self-effacing as always.

Oh, and Gary, didn't God tell you to avoid those churches, like you just said He would?

"Mah heart belongs to Jesus."

Or:

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Breaking news! Gary has taken another body part from Jesus (and another idea from a preacher). "Is it Brother Mike that's been sayin' or somebody been sayin' about the heart and the blood? Ya gotta have both of 'em. See ah got Jesus's heart an' ah got Jesus's blood flowin' through mah body."

Gary, you may get an argument from St. Catherine of Siena about that heart thing.

Spoiler

 

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Gary says he can trust in Brother Mike, "until he starts listenin' to his wife AMEN hallelujah glory t'God."

See - cheap shot. No effort. Not really funny. Mean for no reason. :confusion-shrug:

Gary doesn't trust in his vehicle, he expects Jesus to pick it up and push it to Pennsylvania.

"Somebody posted on Facebook the other say, and he's got a motor home," (the captions say he's got a mother at home) "an' he filled it up - it costed him one hunderd dollars. Y'know how he got that money? Jesus. Jesus filled it up for 'im. Am ah makin' sense?"

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Sure, dude!

Gary tells them Jesus created everything 6000 years ago, not the scientists, and sent rain for the last two days even though Gary's phone didn't predict it, "'cause God's in control, not the weatherman."

He stalls and mumbles for a while, then finds his next reading - Matthew 6:33.

I'll meet y'all there later - gotta go ask Cardea to let me open my bedroom door, so I can go to sleep.

Later, I may hit Hypnos and Morpheus up for a good night's sleep and pleasant dreams - with no mean teasing.

 

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17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Can't you just imagine him explaining to James Bond how the incredibly slow, torturous killing apparatus will work?

Or Batman, who is strapped to a swirling psychedelic table.

Batman scared the crap out of me as a little kid, but I watched it anyway.

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Continuing Gary's 9/30 harangue entitled What Would You Do With Jesus, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A33&version=KJV

Gary's going to seek God's righteousness, to be holy, and he repeats that, turned around in various ways, about five times. He advises you to seek Him now, because there's going to be a time you are going to seek Him and "He's not gonna be there."

Gary, unless I'm missing something (I admit I am no scholar of Christian thought), I don't think that's anywhere in the KJV.  I know you claim God and/or Jesus told you it was your last chance on July 11,1999, but I don't think that's biblical - it was part of your hallucination/fantasy. I thought everybody had a chance until their death or the Rapture, when nobody will be capable of seeking anything any more.

Gary says you have to wait for God to deal with your heart, you can't just trust yourself and decide to get saved - you could wake up in the lake of fire. More about seeking Jesus, needing Jesus to help him drive (he says Becky used to say there had to be 6-7 angels "hanging' over the top" of their motor home).

He reminds them again that Jesus provided their money and their job, and lectures them about how to behave in a tone of voice that implies that he knows they are all being horrible sinners.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A49&version=KJV

"We need t'be about the father's bidness." Which, of course, means bothering people about God and Jesus, including your family during the upcoming holidays  ("if the guv'mint don't take 'em away from us"). More guilt-mongering, pissiness, twisted up half-stories, and low-voice imitating of the imaginary people in his head follows - nothing new.

"Ah fahnd in the Bahble as ah read, a missionary is everybody that is born agin saved bah th'grace a'God."

He hits the "b" and "d" in "everybody" a little hard, and the captions say:

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If you don't do your part, you'll be at the judgment with blood dripping off of your hands, and Gary can back that up with the Bible.

Gary, you say this thing about blood on people's hands at the Judgment a lot. That implies that they killed people, not that they didn't help them find Jesus before something else killed them. They might arrive at the Judgment with the other person's lack of salvation on their record, by your rules, but not their blood.

Also, you never tell us what happens to saved people who didn't do everything right. There's no purgatory in your belief system, so, after everyone sees their sins on that big screen you imagine, then what?

Do they just stand around for a longer time than you will before getting to meet Jesus? Do people who lived holy walk past them saying "tsk tsk" and making that pissy face that you do?  Do they get a shabby robe? A smaller mansion? Catfish they have to cook themselves?

And whatever it is does it last a few minutes? A month? 1000 years? If being embarrassed because everybody has seen their sins is the only punishment, do the other heavenly souls eventually forget the sins, or do they tease and pick at the saved-but-not-holy for eternity? I mean, I know what you'd prefer, but where is it written in the Bible?

Gary says "Miz Stout said somethin' about  . . . " and the captions have deep insight into his real opinion of her (Mrs. Stout is Jeannie):

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In the middle of his exhorting them not to be afraid to give their testimony to everyone, he drifts:

"So, hey  - ah'll tell ya an' ya really wanna know howta tell somebody about God? Miss Jeannie, you go every Sa-urdee, raht? There ya go." Long pause. "Ah watched 'em last naht, we went home last naht, 'n' ah go upstairs an' take a shower before ah fellowship 'cause they wanna fellowship all naht an' ah'm in mah wet clothes an' ah gotta get out of 'em, amen, an' their dawg keeps me up  half the naht, amen. But we fellowship, we talk . . . "

And he freezes, then turns away mumbling, I think "ah don't know what ah was gonna say." Then he mumbles something I can't understand at all. The captions think it's:

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Well, at least he started with something that sounded like he was holding Jeannie up as a good example (or at least company and a ride to go out doing whatever she does on Saturday - collecting children, talking to strangers, whatever).

Oh, and I don't think there's a child named Johnny in the Stout family. So I think the captions were just struggling with Gary's mumbles.

After happily burbling about boys he's seen getting saved, and how much fun it was, he announces Luke 9:23.

Spoiler

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

If you don't do your part, you'll be at the judgment with blood dripping off of your hands, and Gary can back that up with the Bible.

Gary, you say this thing about blood on people's hands at the Judgment a lot. That implies that they killed people, not that they didn't help them find Jesus before something else killed them. They might arrive at the Judgment with the other person's lack of salvation on their record, by your rules, but not their blood.

 

I think this comes from Gary's complete lack of understanding/hermeneutical methodology when he "studies" scripture/"prepares" for his sermons.  In Acs 20:25-27, Paul talks about how he is innocent of the blood of people in Ephesus because he's proclaimed the "whole will of God" to them.  

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, unless I'm missing something (I admit I am no scholar of Christian thought), I don't think that's anywhere in the KJV.  I know you claim God and/or Jesus told you it was your last chance on July 11,1999, but I don't think that's biblical - it was part of your hallucination/fantasy. I thought everybody had a chance until their death or the Rapture, when nobody will be capable of seeking anything any more.

I suspect he’s riffing off of Isaiah 55:6, “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near,” and 2 Thessalonians 2:10-13 “And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie”

And the blood on your hands bit, I think, is his interpretation of Ezekiel 3:18, “When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand.”

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19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He hits the "b" and "d" in "everybody" a little hard, and the captions say:

  Hide contents

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Spoiler

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I just watched a little bit of Gary's tent rant.

Could Becky BE more excited when she sings at the start. I get the impression shes just trying to get through the song as quick as possible.

Gary sounded ok about vaccines?? Is this a new thing?? I guess the lord christ trump took his there ok now??

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1 hour ago, clese said:

Gary sounded ok about vaccines?? Is this a new thing??

Oooh, I need to catch up!

Which date was this (there are several tent videos)?

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28 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Oooh, I need to catch up!

Which date was this (there are several tent videos)?

Look at the video loaded tonight (Monday).  Prayers for people with Covid were requested.  Gary mentioned his preacher friend, Henry, had a fever on Saturday.  He seemed concerned.  An attendee requested prayer requests for his grandchildren in New York who could not get vaccinated yet.  Gary said he thought the approval for children was coming soon. Gary did not show disapproval; he didn't show approval either.  He did mention he heard of some vaccinated getting it also.  He things he had Covid in February of 2020. In his prayer, he prayed for the vaccinated and the unvaccinated and for the doctors.  I didn't listen to the rest, so he probably said something later to completely discredit his one act of decency.

Edited by Joyster
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Finishing up Gary's 9/30 ramble, What Would You Do With Jesus (no mention of Fraulein Schneider).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+9%3A23&version=KJV

Gary tells the story of how he bravely set off on the road, because God told him to. You've all read it before, so I will spare you. But it was the penultimate evening at Heritage, and some of the time would be given over to Henry and his violin on the last night, so I guess the stuff about "God" providing had to start already.

He insults the governors of New York and North Carolina again. He reminds them that everybody's called, but not to preach, and makes sure they know "women can't preach - they can lead."

The captions have something more ominous in mind:

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"'S'ever'body awraht? Go to Luke, chapter 22."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A42&version=KJV

I brace myself, but he only mentions the cat-o-nine-tails briefly.

"You were created to follow and obey and trust Jesus Christ."

He says that people tell him it's obvious that he likes what he does, and he admits that's true. But he goes on to make sure they know it's lonely sometimes and "tiresome."

No, Gary, it may be tiring, but you're the one who's tiresome.

"Ah'm tahred. Ah'm wore out. Ah asked Brother Mike, ah said, 'Man, come Monday, you're gonna feel wicked ain't you?' Miss Jeannie said, 'Bring the wickedness ohn, amen.'"

The captions:

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No, I have no idea what the joke was supposed to be - a way of saying that Jeannie will be glad when he's gone? I just love that the captions made her into a female Jesus - that would give Gary conniptions.

He goes on to tell them about his packing and travel plans, and the next gig. He says "Not my will, but God's," very softly, then suddenly lets out an incredibly loud, sharp, incoherent bellow - it sounds like "Nah mah lor  - hep whoa wha dow," (the captions say nothing), while diving behind the pulpit, acting like he's pushing away something that's attacking him.

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Gary, you're getting close to speaking in tongues, there!

Then he stands up, perfectly calm, and goes right on speaking quietly, explaining that "we got a shortage of preachers and preacher's wives" because they don't want to live for the Lord. He gets softer and softer, talking about how they won't leave their comfort zone . . . just not ready . . .

Another sudden scream, of "Lord, n - n - Lord, no! and push-away - oh, I think he's trying to imitate people who are refusing to follow Jesus.

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Not a performance, my ass.

He starts talking about the Bryants. Well, he doesn't name them, he says, "a missionary goin' t'Afric - where's he goin', Becky? Africa." He waits a second, then impatiently circles his hand in the air. "Country, city  . . . ?"
Becky: "Uganda?"
Gary: "Uganda."

He burbles Daniel Bryant's testimony about God calling him to the mission field. God called, he got in his prayer closet and said he'd go, but God said he had to name a place.

Gary takes a quick Jeannie-teasing detour while trying to explain that Daniel has a cajun accent: "Miz Stout think's ahm bad, wait'll he comes bah."

With Becky's help, he imitates Daniel - it seems like he was just playing with syllables, or saying "you goneta" with his accent - that part's not clear. But Becky and Gary say "You you you you you Uganda" then Gary starts yelling, imitating Daniel saying that's where he's going, even though he thought it was a word he just made up. "Ah've made up a name! Ah been pacific."

And then, Gary tells us, Bryant went to church, and a guy got up and said he needed some missionaries to  . . . Uganda. Gary struts around, very pleased with this story and how well he told it.

Well, that explains a mystery from over a year ago - I thought I remembered something about Gary saying Daniel thought that Uganda was a made-up place, and us not being able to figure out what that was about, and making jokes about Wakanda and Zamunda.

Quote

"a missionary to, uhhhh, Africa - to Uganda, Africa; that's that's that place that you thought what never was, Amen."

Daniel has a beautiful family, Gary tells us, and he had a nice house - he gave it all up for Jesus.

Well, he didn't give up the family, Gary - I assume he's shlepping them all to Uganda.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A25-26&version=KJV

Gary makes his stupid joke about Jesus writing Jailhouse Rock, not Elvis, then blabs random Garyisms.

He says that, when Becky and Jeannie knew there would only be one other besides them, they were a bit discouraged.

So, I guess he's talking about the ladies' breakfast. He starts to say he understands about people's schedules, but suddenly does his low-voice mocking thing, accusing somebody of thinking he's criticizing them for not going: "'Well, he . . . talkin' bad about me.'" Then, sounding enraged: "God have mercy, grow up! Get a life! Mah Lord!"

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And he asks Brother Mike to buy him some "passeefiers" before next year's visit. A man lets out a really weird, evil-sounding laugh, and Becky says they'll take Ruth's by next year, and Gary roars a bizarre-sounding growl-shout of "Yer suckin' on mah granddaughter's passyfier, AMEN!"

Spoiler

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I have no idea if anyone really worried about Gary condemning them for not showing up at the breakfast, or he's just having hatred and persecution fantasies.

Back to calm, and talking about God being good. Gary has  a good place to sleep, and can't remember the last time he had to sleep in his van. Oh, but he can't miss an opportunity to tease Jeannie.

"Ah'm hopin' Miz Stout'll get raht with God between now and next year an' ah won't have to push two beds together, amen. I mean, she sleeps in one whole bed an' lets Mike sleep with 'er ah'm surprised about that too amen." He mumbles something else I can't catch.

Really Gary? Even for you, that's just so  . . . I don't even have an adjective. :wtf:

He says something vaguely grateful (to God, of course, not the Stouts), then "The only thing is, mah wahf won't let me use the air conditioner."

After a few second of silence, we hear a woman's voice say "Amen!"

I wonder if it's Jeannie.

Gary laughs heartily, lets out some gibberish in a wise-cracky voice,  then bellows "Worship the Lorrrrd!"

And he reminds them some more that all of their food and gas money came from God. He complains that he can't pronounce the governor's name, or "Harrison's" first name, but he's not going to worship somebody that thinks she's God - he's going to worship the real God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

Be sure you're saved.

He babbles about Becky's birthday, and his birthday (which he says is in a week, then actually says "hint, hint"), and how she gets the whole month of September and he gets October. Anyway, his point seems to be that, If someone gave one of them a gift, and they rejected it, it wouldn't be a gift.

"Now y'say yer saved, most of ya, ever'body in here would prob'ly say that 'Ah'm saved, ah'm on mah way t'Heaven,' Becky's comin' t'the piana, you start standin' with your heads bowed and your eyes closed, ah'm gonna ask you -" The video cuts off.

Becky may be going a lot further than the piano, Gary:

Spoiler

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Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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I have to say that the captions make my day.  Thank you, @thoughtful for including the ones you do.  

Every once in a while I think I'd like to go if he comes by here - and when he asks "am I makin sense?" respond "no" and get up and walk out.

 

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As if Gary and the captions aren’t scrambled enough, I initially read that last one as “you start standing on your heads. . .” The picture of an entire congregation standing on their heads at Gary’s bidding produced a much needed chuckle. 

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Becky posted a video extolling the virtues of Tupperware utensils. I'll take the ones I bought, for much less money, in a store, thanks.

Jacob gets into the video by accident, and Becky teases him about it.

Because we wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to tease and pick and poke, and teach a teen that that's how people communicate. 🙄

On October 1, the last night of the two-week revival (that needed a resuscitator) at Heritage Baptist Church in Groton NY, the video starts with Pastor/violinist Henry Kicinski tuning:

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He gives a little acoustics lesson, which is, ironically, hard to hear because he is too quiet. But I can hear him say that, when he plays, there are notes that don't even exist on the instrument, that are sounding, above and below a note, because God made it that way, "whether it be an instrument, singing, whatever it is."

The captions choose religion over music:

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God made sound to function that way, just like he died on the cross for our sins.

He plays and sings The Blood That Stained the Old Rugged Cross. I fast-forward after listening to enough to identify the song. He's better than a Rod or a Hawkins, musically and expressively, but still not something I want to listen to all the way through.

He speaks, again too softly for either my ears. The captions remain blank for a while. But, at one point, they kick in, and I know I heard him better than they did, when he says something about "precious blood that He shed on the cross for our sins."

Spoiler

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How do you press blood?

image.png.b020179fd9dec724f4eb5b2bb952a8ea.png ?  image.png.ea7809b2f0429b8e1de1a8635016b4e1.png  ?  image.png.d2d39338d24b96962acaa681294b619d.png ?  image.png.1bb333d6014894b0c9efa0628efe6296.png ?

 

Eventually, after watching his mouth move, while only hearing the adorable sound of a baby cooing, and the less adorable sound of Gary loudly barking assent to Henry's points, I hear him play He Touched Me, while reciting (sometimes shouting) the lyrics, with instrumental interludes.

Then he asks if they know The Crayon Song. I think that's The Crayon Box Song, Henry, unless you mean this one. He asks people wearing red to raise their hands, and makes sure they know that red is the color of Jesus' blood.

"How many folks are wearing brown? Raise your hand." The captions either have great insight on how damaging his preaching it, or they just can't catch his quiet voice:

Spoiler

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Brown is for the crown of thorns. Blue? Royalty. Yellow is for the Christian. I was  :confusion-shrug: about that, especially since the captions say:

Spoiler

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But then I listened to the song at the link I posted above - it's "the Christian who's afraid to tell." OK, so now I'm not :confusion-shrug:, but I'm :wtf:.  Teaching little children about the blood and the crown of thorns is bad enough, but shaming them as cowardly for not talking about Jesus to everyone, makes it even worse.

Although it's fun if you imagine Bert Lahr as The Cowardly Christian - well, I don't see him or her as cowardly, so I've updated the speech a bit.

"Cowardly" Christian: Hubris! What makes those soul winners try to save? Hubris.
What makes them think they need not behave? Hubris.

What makes that Hawkins guy yell and lurch, in the speeding van or the churchy church?
What makes him sway like a silver birch? Hubris.
What makes him insult, carp and blunder? Hubris.
What makes his piehole yell like THUNDER?! Hubris.

What makes the KJB OK?
What puts the "spray” in “let us pray?”
Why do they want the world to pay?

Others:  Hubris!

"Cowardly" Christian: You can say that again.

Anyway, back to the song. They sing it. I have no idea if people raise their hands, or if anyone not wearing one of the four colors feels left out, or any children are shamed or traumatized.

Henry plays Be Thou My Vision - well, technically, he plays Slane, since it's instrumental only. He plays and sings The Unseen Hand.

He mumbles some introductions, but I can't hear much. The captions are no help:

Spoiler

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He plays and sings Everybody Ought to Know the Wondrous Love of Jesus, then Gary comes up to preach.

I'm going to rosin up my computer, and come back later.

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@thoughtful The Crayon Song is one of Debbie Pearl's favorite songs!  She requested the Rod girls sing it, and they videoed it on 7/16/17.  I know this is the Gary thread, but this song and sad video became stuck in my head.  The girls held up a red pencil and then some random other pencils because they couldn't find any crayons, which I always thought was sad for a family of 13 children. I hadn't heard the song before, didn't really want to hear it again, but here it comes up again.  

Edited by Joyster
Forgot to include what I was referring to.
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1 hour ago, postscript said:

As if Gary and the captions aren’t scrambled enough, I initially read that last one as “you start standing on yIt'our heads. . .” The picture of an entire congregation standing on their heads at Gary’s bidding produced a much needed chuckle. 

It would be even funnier if he did it at the beginning of his message. That would remind me of the old joke about the man who gets three choices in Hell.

Quote

A man who dies and goes to hell, where he is given three choices of how to spend eternity. In room one, it's the classic version, the evil-doers being engulfed by fire and brimstone. In room two, people are being devoured by wild beasts. In room three, people are standing around in waist-deep excrement, drinking coffee. The man chooses option three. He wanders over to a big coffee urn, gets himself a cup of coffee, takes a sip and is feeling pretty good about his decision. And then there is an announcement over a loudspeaker:

Spoiler

“Coffee break’s over! Back on your heads!”

 

Now, I will give you all three choices. Do you think that Gary started his last message of the revival with:

1. A warm and sincere expression of how Henry's music moved him, then a heartfelt prayer?

2. A gentle greeting, telling them how sure he is that they will take the nourishment of the revival to produce good fruit and have a wonderful year until he comes back, then a heartfelt prayer?

3. A petulant (but just joking!) threat against someone there?

OK, so that was an easy one.

"Awraht, young people, ah got somethin' t'tell ya. 'S'gonna be upta you what tahm ah git done. You gohn' set there an' play? The longer you play, the longer ah will preach ah gotta message ah can preach for three hours amen."

Oh, wait - he does get to acknowledging the end of the revival, and his feelings. "Well, it's been good, amen? Ah enjoyed mahself, ah don't know about the rest of ya amen."

He does have something to say about Henry, too (I swear I wrote my three choices before listening ahead). He says he'd pick "it" up (guess he couldn't think of the word violin) and play, but he doesn't want to show Henry up. He mentions that he preaches at Henry's church every year. He also says that he's scheduled again for next year (I think he means for Heritage again), but, if the Lord comes before the next time, on the last Friday night, Henry can "do the singin' and the preachin.'"

Y'see, because Gary would go in the Rapture and Henry wouldn't, hahaha. 🙄 This is one of Gary's favorite joke-attempts.

He asks prayers for the late Brother Carpenter's congregation as they search for a new pastor. Gary asks someone how long Carpenter had been there, and repeats the answer, which includes both the length of time he was there altogether, and how long he was pastor. The captions make it sound rather risque:

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He says something about Brother Burkinshaw gaining some congregants, then yells "A NIV church closed! HAYMEN!"

He asks prayers for various people, throwing in a little gossip, teasing, and his itinerary. Mind-reader Becky has to tell him the name of a place he can't think of. He's finished with the "Yankee-land" portion of his year.

After six minutes of boring prattle, he says he can keep it short tonight, if the kids pay attention and listen. Gary, if they have any sense, they have gone into zone-out mode, thinking their own thoughts until you get done and shut up.

He announces Luke 15 and tells them to stand, then says that, when "they" said something about having a youth night, he started "ponderin'" on this. "Luke 15, chapter 1 - ah mean chapter 11."

No, Gary, you mean Luke chapter 14, verse 11.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A11-32&version=KJV

As Gary reads the story of the prodigal son, the captions seem to be warning people not to give him money:

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Gary's accent makes "he began to be in want" into "he began to be in wohnt," and the captions say:

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When the prodigal son comes to himself and wonders "How many hired servants of my father have bread," the captions hear:

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What about the bald servants?

"Should make merry and be glad" becomes:

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During Gary's standard post-reading prayer, when he says "and Lord have your will and way in this service tonight," the captions say:

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Del Shannon is God!

"With the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn What Are You Sick Of? What Are You Sick Of?"

 I hope every child in that church just thought "YOU!"

He yells on: "Hey - heh, both of these uh - both the dad, the two sons, both of 'em got sick amen? An' ah got a few things that ah wanna give you out of chap - Luke chapter 15 ohn some thinnnnngs that he wa - they was sick of now ah wanna say somethin' to ya - we as God's people ought t'be sick of some things amen? We ought t'be sicka what's goin' ohn this worl' an' not be cur - crtical about it, but pray for it amen?"

"Ah mean listen, hey! Ah wanna - ah'm gonna bid farewell ah have emailed yer  governor amen, an' give 'er the gospel t'start with now ah dunno whuther she gets these emails or not, but then number two, just lahk ah did last year whenever ah - when Como was in office ah told 'im ah 'preciated him allowin' me t'have enough summer to come an' preach the gospel, without them interferin'."

"Ahm lookin' forward to gettin' an email back from 'em, ah'm sure it's not gonna be nice, but hey, all ah told 'em is if they wasn't saved they was goin' t'Hell. Ah mean, she thinks she's God now, an' ya'll are her apostles hallelujah glory t'God. Say hey Brother Mike says 'Well, y'know, ah was gonna vote for somebody else, but seein' as how she's God, ah guess ah gotta vote for her amen!"

This is a message for children, based on the story of the prodigal son? I was expecting your usual crap about the point to the parable being that the young son didn't like the rules at home, which would be bad enough, but:

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/92ad585b-349f-477c-b691-23a2064a6100

He goes on about things we ought to be sick of - this sick, unGodly, wicked world. Gary's jealous of people who have gone on to Heaven recently, and he's sick of this world.

Oh, well, now you're getting into a message that's appropriate for children, Gary!

:headdesk:

"I'm sick of who think they are." I think there's a "they" missing in there. And he belligerently complains about how the weather forecast has been wrong for three days. And he goes on to say that it means a man was "messin' with God's creation," and tacks on his lie about Biden saying there would be no more storms after he became president.

"God created it, an' man's trahin' to pollute it. Ah'm sick of it."

I'm with you on the second part of that statement, Gary, but you don't seem to behave or vote like a person who would like the earth to be less polluted.

He re-reads verse 12, and launches, finally, into his usual crap about the younger son being "sick of rules." He yells all kinds of made-up quotes from the younger son, ranting about being sick of rules and farm work.

Gary, that is not said or implied anywhere in that story. So much for not adding your own opinion to your beloved KJV.

"Some you kids in here yer sicka the rules of church, yer sicka the rules of yer mom an' dad, an' 'When ah git 18 years old, bless God, ah'm gonna go do what ah want to.' Miz Sherrie was parta th'Army back there, y'know what, ah prob'ly she's prob'ly got a few of an' said, 'Ah'm sicka bein' at home, ah'm sicka th'rules -  so ah'm gohn' go join the Army,' haymen. Don't that make a lotta good sense, amen?"

Lots of laughs - because, y'see, they have lots of rules in the Army - get it? 🙄

He screams on and on about people in the church and kids who are "sick of rulesssss!" They're sick of rules that say they have to be in church, they want to stay home and watch a TV evangelist.

Whoa, watch it there, Gary - you're accusing them of some horrible desires there!

"See what ah did ah got sicka rules one tahm ah moved out made it a month, bless God ah got t'starvin' t'death, amen."

"Yer sick of it because yer prayers is wrong!" He roars angrily at them that coming to church, singing the songs of God, and hearing the word of God should be a joy.

Another irony meter down. And now that baby that had been happily babbling is crying, poor thing.

Gary screams on, about how, once they leave their parents' house, they'll have either the government or a boss telling them what to do. He says they'll have people telling them what to do until "they lay your body in the grave."

I don't know, Gary - you seem to do whatever the fuck you want.

Gary gives one more yell about the son in the parable hating the rules, then says he's talked about Galatians chapter six a lot over the two weeks.

"Ya say wha? Because . . " I hold my breath - will he get it right? "There's a lot of people sowin' thingsssss . . . " So far, so good . . . "But there's, there, yeah, but they're sowin' things . . . " Don't let me down, Gary! "But their reapin's comin.'"

He did it!

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:happy-cheerleaderkid:

He tells the adults they have rules, too. If they want their children to listen to them, they need to listen to God.

"When ya run outta money ya run outta frenemies . . . .some ya get that after a whahl."

He shrieks about running out of liquor and pot and dope and cigarettes, then pouts, stares at them silently, and mumbles some things I can hear, and others I'm not sure of: "Ah'll move ohn, ___________" (incoherent mumble), "ah'm surprahsed but ah'm not gonna - go t'verse 14. Sicka th'rules. An' when he had spent all . . . "

The captions are as confused as I am:

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This time, they think "he began to be in wohnt" is "he began to be in war."

And, before Gary launches into a routine about how these kids today don't know what want and faymine are and mah momma beat me, I need a break.

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