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Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People


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9 hours ago, Xan said:

What I don't understand is how they tolerate his nasty comments about, for example, the preacher's wife.  In this case, he is "teasing" Miss Jeannie.  I've been around this shit before and it's just nasty, bullying comments but they call it teasing.  I have no idea why Becky is laughing.

I'm with you, especially since I think Becky is genuinely fond of Jeannie. It's very weird.

People who live in that atmosphere of constantly picking at one another probably lose sight of the fact that most of us don't live that way, always on guard, always looking for a possible punch line, never permitted to say "that's not funny and it hurts," or even "can't we just talk?"

I've learned how to avoid, redirect or ignore that shit, with help from kind people and many years of practice. But I still hate it, and it can still hurt me. I'm happy to say I haven't had people like that in my life for quite a while now.

And, as someone who values humor, I think it's so fucking lazy. Predictable insult humor is for people who have no clue of how to be funny, won't work at it, and want to get laughs with no effort.

It just seems especially awful to me because it's being done in a place and by people that are supposed to provide moral guidance. Shouldn't church be the place where those in authority are saying "choose to be kind?" and "focus on what's important?"

I know - these churches are not like that. But damn.

Oh, and I forgot the most appropriate catalog song of all in that last post - The Begat, from Finnian's Rainbow.

When we left Gary asking What Would You Do With Jesus (no mention of a Klondike bar), he was about to read from Proverbs. He flips through his Bible, holding an open water bottle right over it, dangerously near his page-flipping hand.

But no - neither another water event nor a reading from the Bible ensues. Gary gets all excited again, and steps in front of the lectern, saying "D'you know when you went an' got a job, wherever you gotta go you know what? When she" (he points) "started in th'Army, ah promise you she didn't start as a supervahsor, or a leader. Y'gotta start down at th'bottom of the pole an' make yer way up amen? An' they can, an' people can see what kinda material ya are an' how quick y'can get from point A t'point B or wherever y'need t'be that's th'way, that's th'way it is with the Bahble, amen?"

He returns to the Bible, and reads so fast that two verses sound like one long word.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV

Trust in the Lord, not the government, not the almighty dollar, God owns all the money, etc.The government's going bankrupt, a process which, of course, started before Trump, and "he got us goin' the raht way, but then they kicked him out so we can go the wrong way."

Not only does Gary not trust in the government or money, "Ah don't trust every church ah go to."

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He dips down into his mocking voice, and continues, quoting the imaginary person lecturing him, "'If it's a church building, it says God, you all ought to know you can trust it.' Man. Somebody's got t'get some screws tahtened up. Amen."

He circles his finger around his ear:

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"Is that what they usedta do, when _______ (babble) crazy?"

Yeah, Gary, that's what they used to do.

Gary says that, if you trust in God, He will show you to the right church. He also says God doesn't show up in some churches.

"You believe this or believe it not, ah go t'churches all th'tahm, an' ah git up an' ah preach an' ah say how in the name a'God did we even have church, 'cause ah'm not even sure if ah hadn'ta showed up an' if ah hadn'ta brought God, ah'm not even sure He's there!"

Modest Gary, self-effacing as always.

Oh, and Gary, didn't God tell you to avoid those churches, like you just said He would?

"Mah heart belongs to Jesus."

Or:

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Breaking news! Gary has taken another body part from Jesus (and another idea from a preacher). "Is it Brother Mike that's been sayin' or somebody been sayin' about the heart and the blood? Ya gotta have both of 'em. See ah got Jesus's heart an' ah got Jesus's blood flowin' through mah body."

Gary, you may get an argument from St. Catherine of Siena about that heart thing.

Spoiler

 

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Gary says he can trust in Brother Mike, "until he starts listenin' to his wife AMEN hallelujah glory t'God."

See - cheap shot. No effort. Not really funny. Mean for no reason. :confusion-shrug:

Gary doesn't trust in his vehicle, he expects Jesus to pick it up and push it to Pennsylvania.

"Somebody posted on Facebook the other say, and he's got a motor home," (the captions say he's got a mother at home) "an' he filled it up - it costed him one hunderd dollars. Y'know how he got that money? Jesus. Jesus filled it up for 'im. Am ah makin' sense?"

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Sure, dude!

Gary tells them Jesus created everything 6000 years ago, not the scientists, and sent rain for the last two days even though Gary's phone didn't predict it, "'cause God's in control, not the weatherman."

He stalls and mumbles for a while, then finds his next reading - Matthew 6:33.

I'll meet y'all there later - gotta go ask Cardea to let me open my bedroom door, so I can go to sleep.

Later, I may hit Hypnos and Morpheus up for a good night's sleep and pleasant dreams - with no mean teasing.

 

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17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Can't you just imagine him explaining to James Bond how the incredibly slow, torturous killing apparatus will work?

Or Batman, who is strapped to a swirling psychedelic table.

Batman scared the crap out of me as a little kid, but I watched it anyway.

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Continuing Gary's 9/30 harangue entitled What Would You Do With Jesus, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A33&version=KJV

Gary's going to seek God's righteousness, to be holy, and he repeats that, turned around in various ways, about five times. He advises you to seek Him now, because there's going to be a time you are going to seek Him and "He's not gonna be there."

Gary, unless I'm missing something (I admit I am no scholar of Christian thought), I don't think that's anywhere in the KJV.  I know you claim God and/or Jesus told you it was your last chance on July 11,1999, but I don't think that's biblical - it was part of your hallucination/fantasy. I thought everybody had a chance until their death or the Rapture, when nobody will be capable of seeking anything any more.

Gary says you have to wait for God to deal with your heart, you can't just trust yourself and decide to get saved - you could wake up in the lake of fire. More about seeking Jesus, needing Jesus to help him drive (he says Becky used to say there had to be 6-7 angels "hanging' over the top" of their motor home).

He reminds them again that Jesus provided their money and their job, and lectures them about how to behave in a tone of voice that implies that he knows they are all being horrible sinners.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A49&version=KJV

"We need t'be about the father's bidness." Which, of course, means bothering people about God and Jesus, including your family during the upcoming holidays  ("if the guv'mint don't take 'em away from us"). More guilt-mongering, pissiness, twisted up half-stories, and low-voice imitating of the imaginary people in his head follows - nothing new.

"Ah fahnd in the Bahble as ah read, a missionary is everybody that is born agin saved bah th'grace a'God."

He hits the "b" and "d" in "everybody" a little hard, and the captions say:

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If you don't do your part, you'll be at the judgment with blood dripping off of your hands, and Gary can back that up with the Bible.

Gary, you say this thing about blood on people's hands at the Judgment a lot. That implies that they killed people, not that they didn't help them find Jesus before something else killed them. They might arrive at the Judgment with the other person's lack of salvation on their record, by your rules, but not their blood.

Also, you never tell us what happens to saved people who didn't do everything right. There's no purgatory in your belief system, so, after everyone sees their sins on that big screen you imagine, then what?

Do they just stand around for a longer time than you will before getting to meet Jesus? Do people who lived holy walk past them saying "tsk tsk" and making that pissy face that you do?  Do they get a shabby robe? A smaller mansion? Catfish they have to cook themselves?

And whatever it is does it last a few minutes? A month? 1000 years? If being embarrassed because everybody has seen their sins is the only punishment, do the other heavenly souls eventually forget the sins, or do they tease and pick at the saved-but-not-holy for eternity? I mean, I know what you'd prefer, but where is it written in the Bible?

Gary says "Miz Stout said somethin' about  . . . " and the captions have deep insight into his real opinion of her (Mrs. Stout is Jeannie):

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In the middle of his exhorting them not to be afraid to give their testimony to everyone, he drifts:

"So, hey  - ah'll tell ya an' ya really wanna know howta tell somebody about God? Miss Jeannie, you go every Sa-urdee, raht? There ya go." Long pause. "Ah watched 'em last naht, we went home last naht, 'n' ah go upstairs an' take a shower before ah fellowship 'cause they wanna fellowship all naht an' ah'm in mah wet clothes an' ah gotta get out of 'em, amen, an' their dawg keeps me up  half the naht, amen. But we fellowship, we talk . . . "

And he freezes, then turns away mumbling, I think "ah don't know what ah was gonna say." Then he mumbles something I can't understand at all. The captions think it's:

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Well, at least he started with something that sounded like he was holding Jeannie up as a good example (or at least company and a ride to go out doing whatever she does on Saturday - collecting children, talking to strangers, whatever).

Oh, and I don't think there's a child named Johnny in the Stout family. So I think the captions were just struggling with Gary's mumbles.

After happily burbling about boys he's seen getting saved, and how much fun it was, he announces Luke 9:23.

Spoiler

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

If you don't do your part, you'll be at the judgment with blood dripping off of your hands, and Gary can back that up with the Bible.

Gary, you say this thing about blood on people's hands at the Judgment a lot. That implies that they killed people, not that they didn't help them find Jesus before something else killed them. They might arrive at the Judgment with the other person's lack of salvation on their record, by your rules, but not their blood.

 

I think this comes from Gary's complete lack of understanding/hermeneutical methodology when he "studies" scripture/"prepares" for his sermons.  In Acs 20:25-27, Paul talks about how he is innocent of the blood of people in Ephesus because he's proclaimed the "whole will of God" to them.  

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, unless I'm missing something (I admit I am no scholar of Christian thought), I don't think that's anywhere in the KJV.  I know you claim God and/or Jesus told you it was your last chance on July 11,1999, but I don't think that's biblical - it was part of your hallucination/fantasy. I thought everybody had a chance until their death or the Rapture, when nobody will be capable of seeking anything any more.

I suspect he’s riffing off of Isaiah 55:6, “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near,” and 2 Thessalonians 2:10-13 “And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie”

And the blood on your hands bit, I think, is his interpretation of Ezekiel 3:18, “When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand.”

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19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He hits the "b" and "d" in "everybody" a little hard, and the captions say:

  Hide contents

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Spoiler

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I just watched a little bit of Gary's tent rant.

Could Becky BE more excited when she sings at the start. I get the impression shes just trying to get through the song as quick as possible.

Gary sounded ok about vaccines?? Is this a new thing?? I guess the lord christ trump took his there ok now??

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1 hour ago, clese said:

Gary sounded ok about vaccines?? Is this a new thing??

Oooh, I need to catch up!

Which date was this (there are several tent videos)?

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28 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Oooh, I need to catch up!

Which date was this (there are several tent videos)?

Look at the video loaded tonight (Monday).  Prayers for people with Covid were requested.  Gary mentioned his preacher friend, Henry, had a fever on Saturday.  He seemed concerned.  An attendee requested prayer requests for his grandchildren in New York who could not get vaccinated yet.  Gary said he thought the approval for children was coming soon. Gary did not show disapproval; he didn't show approval either.  He did mention he heard of some vaccinated getting it also.  He things he had Covid in February of 2020. In his prayer, he prayed for the vaccinated and the unvaccinated and for the doctors.  I didn't listen to the rest, so he probably said something later to completely discredit his one act of decency.

Edited by Joyster
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Finishing up Gary's 9/30 ramble, What Would You Do With Jesus (no mention of Fraulein Schneider).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+9%3A23&version=KJV

Gary tells the story of how he bravely set off on the road, because God told him to. You've all read it before, so I will spare you. But it was the penultimate evening at Heritage, and some of the time would be given over to Henry and his violin on the last night, so I guess the stuff about "God" providing had to start already.

He insults the governors of New York and North Carolina again. He reminds them that everybody's called, but not to preach, and makes sure they know "women can't preach - they can lead."

The captions have something more ominous in mind:

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"'S'ever'body awraht? Go to Luke, chapter 22."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A42&version=KJV

I brace myself, but he only mentions the cat-o-nine-tails briefly.

"You were created to follow and obey and trust Jesus Christ."

He says that people tell him it's obvious that he likes what he does, and he admits that's true. But he goes on to make sure they know it's lonely sometimes and "tiresome."

No, Gary, it may be tiring, but you're the one who's tiresome.

"Ah'm tahred. Ah'm wore out. Ah asked Brother Mike, ah said, 'Man, come Monday, you're gonna feel wicked ain't you?' Miss Jeannie said, 'Bring the wickedness ohn, amen.'"

The captions:

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No, I have no idea what the joke was supposed to be - a way of saying that Jeannie will be glad when he's gone? I just love that the captions made her into a female Jesus - that would give Gary conniptions.

He goes on to tell them about his packing and travel plans, and the next gig. He says "Not my will, but God's," very softly, then suddenly lets out an incredibly loud, sharp, incoherent bellow - it sounds like "Nah mah lor  - hep whoa wha dow," (the captions say nothing), while diving behind the pulpit, acting like he's pushing away something that's attacking him.

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Gary, you're getting close to speaking in tongues, there!

Then he stands up, perfectly calm, and goes right on speaking quietly, explaining that "we got a shortage of preachers and preacher's wives" because they don't want to live for the Lord. He gets softer and softer, talking about how they won't leave their comfort zone . . . just not ready . . .

Another sudden scream, of "Lord, n - n - Lord, no! and push-away - oh, I think he's trying to imitate people who are refusing to follow Jesus.

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Not a performance, my ass.

He starts talking about the Bryants. Well, he doesn't name them, he says, "a missionary goin' t'Afric - where's he goin', Becky? Africa." He waits a second, then impatiently circles his hand in the air. "Country, city  . . . ?"
Becky: "Uganda?"
Gary: "Uganda."

He burbles Daniel Bryant's testimony about God calling him to the mission field. God called, he got in his prayer closet and said he'd go, but God said he had to name a place.

Gary takes a quick Jeannie-teasing detour while trying to explain that Daniel has a cajun accent: "Miz Stout think's ahm bad, wait'll he comes bah."

With Becky's help, he imitates Daniel - it seems like he was just playing with syllables, or saying "you goneta" with his accent - that part's not clear. But Becky and Gary say "You you you you you Uganda" then Gary starts yelling, imitating Daniel saying that's where he's going, even though he thought it was a word he just made up. "Ah've made up a name! Ah been pacific."

And then, Gary tells us, Bryant went to church, and a guy got up and said he needed some missionaries to  . . . Uganda. Gary struts around, very pleased with this story and how well he told it.

Well, that explains a mystery from over a year ago - I thought I remembered something about Gary saying Daniel thought that Uganda was a made-up place, and us not being able to figure out what that was about, and making jokes about Wakanda and Zamunda.

Quote

"a missionary to, uhhhh, Africa - to Uganda, Africa; that's that's that place that you thought what never was, Amen."

Daniel has a beautiful family, Gary tells us, and he had a nice house - he gave it all up for Jesus.

Well, he didn't give up the family, Gary - I assume he's shlepping them all to Uganda.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A25-26&version=KJV

Gary makes his stupid joke about Jesus writing Jailhouse Rock, not Elvis, then blabs random Garyisms.

He says that, when Becky and Jeannie knew there would only be one other besides them, they were a bit discouraged.

So, I guess he's talking about the ladies' breakfast. He starts to say he understands about people's schedules, but suddenly does his low-voice mocking thing, accusing somebody of thinking he's criticizing them for not going: "'Well, he . . . talkin' bad about me.'" Then, sounding enraged: "God have mercy, grow up! Get a life! Mah Lord!"

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And he asks Brother Mike to buy him some "passeefiers" before next year's visit. A man lets out a really weird, evil-sounding laugh, and Becky says they'll take Ruth's by next year, and Gary roars a bizarre-sounding growl-shout of "Yer suckin' on mah granddaughter's passyfier, AMEN!"

Spoiler

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I have no idea if anyone really worried about Gary condemning them for not showing up at the breakfast, or he's just having hatred and persecution fantasies.

Back to calm, and talking about God being good. Gary has  a good place to sleep, and can't remember the last time he had to sleep in his van. Oh, but he can't miss an opportunity to tease Jeannie.

"Ah'm hopin' Miz Stout'll get raht with God between now and next year an' ah won't have to push two beds together, amen. I mean, she sleeps in one whole bed an' lets Mike sleep with 'er ah'm surprised about that too amen." He mumbles something else I can't catch.

Really Gary? Even for you, that's just so  . . . I don't even have an adjective. :wtf:

He says something vaguely grateful (to God, of course, not the Stouts), then "The only thing is, mah wahf won't let me use the air conditioner."

After a few second of silence, we hear a woman's voice say "Amen!"

I wonder if it's Jeannie.

Gary laughs heartily, lets out some gibberish in a wise-cracky voice,  then bellows "Worship the Lorrrrd!"

And he reminds them some more that all of their food and gas money came from God. He complains that he can't pronounce the governor's name, or "Harrison's" first name, but he's not going to worship somebody that thinks she's God - he's going to worship the real God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-10&version=KJV

Be sure you're saved.

He babbles about Becky's birthday, and his birthday (which he says is in a week, then actually says "hint, hint"), and how she gets the whole month of September and he gets October. Anyway, his point seems to be that, If someone gave one of them a gift, and they rejected it, it wouldn't be a gift.

"Now y'say yer saved, most of ya, ever'body in here would prob'ly say that 'Ah'm saved, ah'm on mah way t'Heaven,' Becky's comin' t'the piana, you start standin' with your heads bowed and your eyes closed, ah'm gonna ask you -" The video cuts off.

Becky may be going a lot further than the piano, Gary:

Spoiler

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Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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I have to say that the captions make my day.  Thank you, @thoughtful for including the ones you do.  

Every once in a while I think I'd like to go if he comes by here - and when he asks "am I makin sense?" respond "no" and get up and walk out.

 

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As if Gary and the captions aren’t scrambled enough, I initially read that last one as “you start standing on your heads. . .” The picture of an entire congregation standing on their heads at Gary’s bidding produced a much needed chuckle. 

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Becky posted a video extolling the virtues of Tupperware utensils. I'll take the ones I bought, for much less money, in a store, thanks.

Jacob gets into the video by accident, and Becky teases him about it.

Because we wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to tease and pick and poke, and teach a teen that that's how people communicate. 🙄

On October 1, the last night of the two-week revival (that needed a resuscitator) at Heritage Baptist Church in Groton NY, the video starts with Pastor/violinist Henry Kicinski tuning:

Spoiler

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He gives a little acoustics lesson, which is, ironically, hard to hear because he is too quiet. But I can hear him say that, when he plays, there are notes that don't even exist on the instrument, that are sounding, above and below a note, because God made it that way, "whether it be an instrument, singing, whatever it is."

The captions choose religion over music:

Spoiler

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God made sound to function that way, just like he died on the cross for our sins.

He plays and sings The Blood That Stained the Old Rugged Cross. I fast-forward after listening to enough to identify the song. He's better than a Rod or a Hawkins, musically and expressively, but still not something I want to listen to all the way through.

He speaks, again too softly for either my ears or the caption program. The captions remain blank for a while. But, at one point, they kick in, and I know I heard him better than they did, when he says something about "precious blood that He shed on the cross for our sins."

Spoiler

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How do you press blood?

image.png.b020179fd9dec724f4eb5b2bb952a8ea.png ?  image.png.ea7809b2f0429b8e1de1a8635016b4e1.png  ?  image.png.d2d39338d24b96962acaa681294b619d.png ?  image.png.1bb333d6014894b0c9efa0628efe6296.png ?

 

Eventually, after watching his mouth move, while only hearing the adorable sound of a baby cooing, and the less adorable sound of Gary loudly barking assent to Henry's points, I hear him play He Touched Me, while reciting (sometimes shouting) the lyrics, with instrumental interludes.

Then he asks if they know The Crayon Song. I think that's The Crayon Box Song, Henry, unless you mean this one. He asks people wearing red to raise their hands, and makes sure they know that red is the color of Jesus' blood.

"How many folks are wearing brown? Raise your hand." The captions either have great insight on how damaging his preaching it, or they just can't catch his quiet voice:

Spoiler

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Brown is for the crown of thorns. Blue? Royalty. Yellow is for the Christian. I was  :confusion-shrug: about that, especially since the captions say:

Spoiler

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But then I listened to the song at the link I posted above - it's "the Christian who's afraid to tell." OK, so now I'm not :confusion-shrug:, but I'm :wtf:.  Teaching little children about the blood and the crown of thorns is bad enough, but shaming them as cowardly for not talking about Jesus to everyone, makes it even worse.

Although it's fun if you imagine Bert Lahr as The Cowardly Christian - well, I don't see him or her as cowardly, so I've updated the speech a bit.

"Cowardly" Christian: Hubris! What makes those soul winners try to save? Hubris.
What makes them think they need not behave? Hubris.

What makes that Hawkins guy yell and lurch, in the speeding van or the churchy church?
What makes him sway like a silver birch? Hubris.
What makes him insult, carp and blunder? Hubris.
What makes his piehole yell like THUNDER?! Hubris.

What makes the KJB OK?
What puts the "spray” in “let us pray?”
Why do they want the world to pay?

Others:  Hubris!

"Cowardly" Christian: You can say that again.

Anyway, back to the song. They sing it. I have no idea if people raise their hands, or if anyone not wearing one of the four colors feels left out, or any children are shamed or traumatized.

Henry plays Be Thou My Vision - well, technically, he plays Slane, since it's instrumental only. He plays and sings The Unseen Hand.

He mumbles some introductions, but I can't hear much. The captions are no help:

Spoiler

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He plays and sings Everybody Ought to Know the Wondrous Love of Jesus, then Gary comes up to preach.

I'm going to rosin up my computer, and come back later.

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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@thoughtful The Crayon Song is one of Debbie Pearl's favorite songs!  She requested the Rod girls sing it, and they videoed it on 7/16/17.  I know this is the Gary thread, but this song and sad video became stuck in my head.  The girls held up a red pencil and then some random other pencils because they couldn't find any crayons, which I always thought was sad for a family of 13 children. I hadn't heard the song before, didn't really want to hear it again, but here it comes up again.  

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Forgot to include what I was referring to.
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16 hours ago, postscript said:

As if Gary and the captions aren’t scrambled enough, I initially read that last one as “you start standing on your heads. . .” The picture of an entire congregation standing on their heads at Gary’s bidding produced a much needed chuckle. 

It would be even funnier if he did it at the beginning of his message. That would remind me of the old joke about the man who gets three choices in Hell.

Quote

A man dies and goes to hell, where he is given three choices of how to spend eternity. In room one, it's the classic version, the evil-doers being engulfed by fire and brimstone. In room two, people are being devoured by wild beasts. In room three, people are standing around in waist-deep excrement, drinking coffee. The man chooses option three. He wanders over to a big coffee urn, gets himself a cup of coffee, takes a sip and is feeling pretty good about his decision. And then there is an announcement over a loudspeaker:

Spoiler

“Coffee break’s over! Back on your heads!”

 

Now, I will give you all three choices. Do you think that Gary started his last message of the revival with:

1. A warm and sincere expression of how Henry's music moved him, then a heartfelt prayer?

2. A gentle greeting, telling them how sure he is that they will take the nourishment of the revival to produce good fruit and have a wonderful year until he comes back, then a heartfelt prayer?

3. A petulant (but just joking!) threat against someone there?

OK, so that was an easy one.

"Awraht, young people, ah got somethin' t'tell ya. 'S'gonna be upta you what tahm ah git done. You gohn' set there an' play? The longer you play, the longer ah will preach ah gotta message ah can preach for three hours amen."

Oh, wait - he does get to acknowledging the end of the revival, and his feelings. "Well, it's been good, amen? Ah enjoyed mahself, ah don't know about the rest of ya amen."

He does have something to say about Henry, too (I swear I wrote my three choices before listening ahead). He says he'd pick "it" up (guess he couldn't think of the word violin) and play, but he doesn't want to show Henry up. He mentions that he preaches at Henry's church every year. He also says that he's scheduled again for next year (I think he means for Heritage again), but, if the Lord comes before the next time, on the last Friday night, Henry can "do the singin' and the preachin.'"

Y'see, because Gary would go in the Rapture and Henry wouldn't, hahaha. 🙄 This is one of Gary's favorite joke-attempts.

He asks prayers for the late Brother Carpenter's congregation as they search for a new pastor. Gary asks someone how long Carpenter had been there, and repeats the answer, which includes both the length of time he was there altogether, and how long he was pastor. The captions make it sound rather risque:

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He says something about Brother Burkinshaw gaining some congregants, then yells "A NIV church closed! HAYMEN!"

He asks prayers for various people, throwing in a little gossip, teasing, and his itinerary. Mind-reader Becky has to tell him the name of a place he can't think of. He's finished with the "Yankee-land" portion of his year.

After six minutes of boring prattle, he says he can keep it short tonight, if the kids pay attention and listen. Gary, if they have any sense, they have gone into zone-out mode, thinking their own thoughts until you get done and shut up.

He announces Luke 15 and tells them to stand, then says that, when "they" said something about having a youth night, he started "ponderin'" on this. "Luke 15, chapter 1 - ah mean chapter 11."

No, Gary, you mean Luke chapter 15, verse 11.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A11-32&version=KJV

As Gary reads the story of the prodigal son, the captions seem to be warning people not to give him money:

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Gary's accent makes "he began to be in want" into "he began to be in wohnt," and the captions say:

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When the prodigal son comes to himself and wonders "How many hired servants of my father have bread," the captions hear:

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What about the bald servants?

"Should make merry and be glad" becomes:

Spoiler

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During Gary's standard post-reading prayer, when he says "and Lord have your will and way in this service tonight," the captions say:

Spoiler

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Del Shannon is God!

"With the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn What Are You Sick Of? What Are You Sick Of?"

I hope every child in that church just thought "YOU!"

He yells on: "Hey - heh, both of these uh - both the dad, the two sons, both of 'em got sick amen? An' ah got a few things that ah wanna give you out of chap - Luke chapter 15 ohn some thinnnnngs that he wa - they was sick of now ah wanna say somethin' to ya - we as God's people ought t'be sick of some things amen? We ought t'be sicka what's goin' ohn this worl' an' not be cur - crtical about it, but pray for it amen?"

"Ah mean listen, hey! Ah wanna - ah'm gonna bid farewell ah have emailed yer  governor amen, an' give 'er the gospel t'start with now ah dunno whuther she gets these emails or not, but then number two, just lahk ah did last year whenever ah - when Como was in office ah told 'im ah 'preciated him allowin' me t'have enough summer to come an' preach the gospel, without them interferin'."

"Ahm lookin' forward to gettin' an email back from 'em, ah'm sure it's not gonna be nice, but hey, all ah told 'em is if they wasn't saved they was goin' t'Hell. Ah mean, she thinks she's God now, an' ya'll are her apostles hallelujah glory t'God. Say hey Brother Mike says 'Well, y'know, ah was gonna vote for somebody else, but seein' as how she's God, ah guess ah gotta vote for her amen!"

This is a message for children, based on the story of the prodigal son? I was expecting your usual crap about the point to the parable being that the young son didn't like the rules at home, which would be bad enough, but:

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/92ad585b-349f-477c-b691-23a2064a6100

He goes on about things we ought to be sick of - this sick, unGodly, wicked world. Gary's jealous of people who have gone on to Heaven recently, and he's sick of this world.

Oh, well, now you're getting into a message that's appropriate for children, Gary!

:headdesk:

"I'm sick of who think they are." I think there's a "they" missing in there. And he belligerently complains about how the weather forecast has been wrong for three days. And he goes on to say that it means a man was "messin' with God's creation," and tacks on his lie about Biden saying there would be no more storms after he became president.

"God created it, an' man's trahin' to pollute it. Ah'm sick of it."

I'm with you on the second part of that statement, Gary, but you don't seem to behave or vote like a person who would like the earth to be less polluted.

He re-reads verse 12, and launches, finally, into his usual crap about the younger son being "sick of rules." He yells all kinds of made-up quotes from the younger son, ranting about being sick of rules and farm work.

Gary, that is not said or implied anywhere in that story. So much for not adding your own opinion to your beloved KJV.

"Some you kids in here yer sicka the rules of church, yer sicka the rules of yer mom an' dad, an' 'When ah git 18 years old, bless God, ah'm gonna go do what ah want to.' Miz Sherrie was parta th'Army back there, y'know what, ah prob'ly she's prob'ly got a few of an' said, 'Ah'm sicka bein' at home, ah'm sicka th'rules -  so ah'm gohn' go join the Army,' haymen. Don't that make a lotta good sense, amen?"

Lots of laughs - because, y'see, they have lots of rules in the Army - get it? 🙄

He screams on and on about people in the church and kids who are "sick of rulesssss!" They're sick of rules that say they have to be in church, they want to stay home and watch a TV evangelist.

Whoa, watch it there, Gary - you're accusing them of some horrible desires!

"See what ah did ah got sicka rules one tahm ah moved out made it a month, bless God ah got t'starvin' t'death, amen."

"Yer sick of it because yer prayers is wrong!" He roars angrily at them that coming to church, singing the songs of God, and hearing the word of God should be a joy.

Another irony meter down. And now that baby that had been happily babbling is crying, poor thing.

Gary screams on, about how, once they leave their parents' house, they'll have either the government or a boss telling them what to do. He says they'll have people telling them what to do until "they lay your body in the grave."

I don't know, Gary - you seem to do whatever the fuck you want.

Gary gives one more yell about the son in the parable hating the rules, then says he's talked about Galatians chapter six a lot over the two weeks.

"Ya say wha? Because . . " I hold my breath - will he get it right? "There's a lot of people sowin' thingsssss . . . " So far, so good . . . "But there's, there, yeah, but they're sowin' things . . . " Don't let me down, Gary! "But their reapin's comin.'"

He did it!

Spoiler

:happy-cheerleaderkid:

He tells the adults they have rules, too. If they want their children to listen to them, they need to listen to God.

"When ya run outta money ya run outta frenemies . . . .some ya get that after a whahl."

He shrieks about running out of liquor and pot and dope and cigarettes, then pouts, stares at them silently, and mumbles some things I can hear, and others I'm not sure of: "Ah'll move ohn, ___________" (incoherent mumble), "ah'm surprahsed but ah'm not gonna - go t'verse 14. Sicka th'rules. An' when he had spent all . . . "

The captions are as confused as I am:

Spoiler

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This time, they think "he began to be in wohnt" is "he began to be in war."

And, before Gary launches into a routine about how these kids today don't know what want and faymine are and mah momma beat me, I need a break.

Edited by thoughtful
I managed to put a riffle into the quote!
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On 10/19/2021 at 9:10 PM, Joyster said:
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@thoughtful The Crayon Song is one of Debbie Pearl's favorite songs!  She requested the Rod girls sing it, and they videoed it on 7/16/17.  I know this is the Gary thread, but this song and sad video became stuck in my head.  The girls held up a red pencil and then some random other pencils because they couldn't find any crayons, which I always thought was sad for a family of 13 children. I hadn't heard the song before, didn't really want to hear it again, but here it comes up again.  

That is one heartbreaking screenshot and story. Sorry if I gave you an earworm of the stupid song.

Continuing Gary's 10/1 message about being sick of things, he says the Prodigal Son was tired of want, and, as I thought he would, goes right to When I Was a Kid mode.

"How many of ya's had t'do without somethin'?" Long silence, with a brief hand to ear, then a pissy-faced backward swagger.

After this brief mention of doing without, as the Prodigal Son did when he ran out of money, he goes right into his love song to child-beating. It's under spoiler for anyone who wants to skip it. It's mostly familiar stuff, with a few new nuggets of shit.
 

Spoiler

"See, when ah was growin' up, mah punishment was, well number one ah got whupped mah momma an' daddy didn't listen - hey the guv'ment wadn't gonna tell them they couldn't . . ."

The end of that statement is drowned out by a man laughing heartily (ah, that bonding over having been beaten as a child - it will never stop being bizarre to me) and the baby crying loudly.

"AMEN! Now we won't whup our chil'ren because they're the ones that rules the roost. HAYMUH!"

It's hard to hear through the crying of that poor kid, but I think Gary says you can let them rule if you want, but when they're "down the road doin' their own thing, you'll wish t'God you'll regret it."

:confusion-shrug:

And he goes on and on about how it's still right no matter who the governor is, how his Momma wouldn't even let him use the word "spank."

He throws in his misconception that "Massashushesh" doesn't allow it  - "they immediately take yer children away from ya" and "they'd have t'fight me for mah children, 'cause ah'm a whup - ah whup mahn."

And he's suddenly back to the prodigal son. For a few seconds, anyway.

"You know what ah'mma tell you this much, here's what you kin do. Here it is. Here's a here's a gah that's out, he's about t'eat with the pigs amen? Now ah don' know how many of ya like pigs, listen, uh, Miss Kristen wouldn't eat no deer last night 'cause she said," (simpering voice), "'They're too pretty.'"

Spoiler

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"Ahmanna let you know somethin' ah'm not pickin' on her whatever hey ah got past the prettiness long ago it tastes too pretty amen!"

And, once again, he makes an attempt at actually talking (well, screaming and air-pounding) about the prodigal son being "in wohnt."

"You know what? We ought to wohnt - Jesus."

If you don't want what Jesus wants, you will end up eating with the pigs. He tells them to google "What does pigs eat? An' ah'll tell raht - tell 'em you wohnt a picture of it - it ain't too pretty." Gary's grandmother "grew pigs" and fed them "slop. That's what this gah's fixin' t'eat, 'cause he didn't lahk th'rules."

Gary screams at them about wanting to eat with the pigs, when Jesus has got better for him. Gary doesn't have to eat slop, because "there ain't nothin' slop in this raht here." He holds up the Bible.

Spoiler

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Eventually, the prodigal son realizes his father had plenty, "and here he is, fixin' t'eat with the pigs."

Or:

Spoiler

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"Are ya sick of bein' in wohnt yet?"

Spoiler

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He re-reads verse 14, then says that's not what he wanted. He re-reads verse 13. "Riotous living" still sounds like "righteous living," to the captions. It sounds like "rye-yitch-iss living" to me.

And he does his usual screamfest about how everyone left the prodigal son after he couldn't buy them everything they wanted, with his credit card, at Walmarts.

"Ah'm not braggin' ohn mah lahfstahl before ah got saved, but ah used t'have people that said they was mah friends but when ah could not - when it was mah weekend to supplah whatever it was that we was goin' to do that weekend an' ah didn't have it, guess what? They didn't let - they didn't invite me. Y'say wha? They wadn't real friends. Amen?"

You didn't have it, or just wouldn't spend it? Why do I suspect that Gary was that guy? If your friends were treating you during the other weekends, I think you might have missed the reason they gave up on you, Gary. You might have been the shitty friend.

He yells about people "in the religious re'm," who promise their preacher they'll be there, but then stab you in the back. He acts this out with someone in the front row, looming over him as he bellows, then pretending to reach around him and stab him in the back.

He shrieks about people who are insincere churchgoers for a while, climaxing with a caterwaul of "They're sheep - with wolves' clothes on!"

Hey, Gary:

Spoiler

 

Gary talks about Brother McFadden, who prays for him because of the "things" he and Becky have been going through for the past few years, and has driven from Arkansas to West Virginia a few times, He doesn't say what McFadden was doing for them, but I assume it had to do with the custody battle. And, of course, he has to mention Mrs. McFadden's death, and says "ah trah mah best" to call McFadden every week. Y'say wha? It's mah turn."

Oh, so if it's a phone call, that will probably include the other person thanking you profusely, you'll shell out. I bet Becky still has to tell him to do it, and when.

"A friend will not offer you dope. A friend will offer you a tract."

Or:

Spoiler

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He acts out giving someone a tract with the same man he loomed over to pretend to stab him in the back. At least this time he's not bellowing, but he has to get a dig in:
"See if you can read it."

Then he jokes that he and Brother Stephen (he gestures toward someone) are "frenemies." But he and Miz Stout are friends - this gets laughs, and he says "she'd rather me just take the friend part off an' leave the rest of it in there amen?"

He asks if he's making sense, and gets affirmations. Several people have been giving Gary lots of love during this message - you can see some of the callbacks in the screen shots of the captions.

He re-reads verse 17, and the captions still have trouble with the way he pronounces "hired."

Spoiler

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Well, "herd servants" may actually be close to describing their duties!

"Read enough" instead of "bread enough" is pretty funny too - this young man is completely broken down, eating the pigs' husks, and he suddenly wonders if his father's employees have been taking a scroll or two out with them while waching the sheep.

Gary's conclusion - "he was sicka bein' backslid."

Again, not really in the text, Gary.

He asks if they've ever been backslid, then does his mocking about their being so perfect, "take yer halos off," etc.

While yelling about how the prodigal son wants steak, Gary adds that they shouldn't want steak, they should want "chicken and Chinese chicken," and that's what's going to be in Heaven, we hear Becky's voice say three words.

Spoiler

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As far as I can tell, the captions are correct - it sounds like she said "Cows are holy."

A joke about Hinduism?

Gary screams on about everything wrong with being backslid, does the J-O-Y thing, reminds them he preached last night on What Are You Going to do With Jesus, asks if he's making sense, and re-reads "verses 18."

The prodigal son got sick of running. Adam and Eve "run an' hid" after they ate the apple.

"You young people think you have your life to live forever."

The baby, who has gone back to babbling but still sounds cranky, lets out three syllables that sound so clearly like "Aaaaah hate you!" that I wonder if Gary has inspired baby's first words. Years from now, I can imagine that child telling people "My first words? Well, my parents tell me there was this ear-busting idiot preacher . . . "

Gary goes on with a wonderful, inspiring, cheerful subject: "How many's ever been to a funeral with a baby that was stillborn? How many's ever been to a funeral  where it was a teenager? See you think that you've gotcher whole lahf ahead of you, amen? But Hebrews is still in the Bahble, it still hasn't been torn out, it has not changed. Yer still gonna dah, but it did not put an age."

He re-reads "verses 21."

"He got sick of livin' in sin."

The routine about people who party on the weekend and end up over the commode "pukin' their guts out" follows. He also tells the story of the young man chasing his girlfriend around Aldi's. This time he says that, when he caught up with her, she mumbled something, and then the man started cursing at her.

It's such a Gary story - he completely ignored the shitty way this guy was treating another human being, is oblivious to the possibility that he might be adding to the woman's plight by further angering an abusive boyfriend - all he cares about is the cursing. He says he yelled "Sir, ah want you to shut up." This is a roar, and the baby starts crying again. "Mah God don't have a last name."

Gary claims the man left the store, crying. I doubt that part of the story (I think he's said the store employees may have handled it, in other tellings).

"When you talk filthy, that's sin!" He repeats this pattern, with lots of other fun activities. Then he starts mocking teens for finding one another attractive.

"You think he's the cutest thing."

The captions cut to the chase:

Spoiler

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Then he mocks the boys for thinking "she's the beautifullest thing" about a girl.

But "that one-liter's gonna turn into a 3-liter. How many of ya remember 3-liter pops? That's what happens to 'em, they swell up amen. Then they ain't gonna be cute no more. HAYMEH!"

"Some people think that God joins together ever'body that gets married. God, that's a buncha hogwash. Amen?"

I think that second "God" was an exclamation - you know, taking the Lord's name in vain. 

I suspect that this is Gary's "out" for being divorced - the devil sent him his first wife, and Becky's the one that God actually intended for him.

The prodigal son got sick of being homeless, which brings on "You know wha we got so many homeless people now? Now, it used to be sa - a little bit - but now it's the government's fault amen?"

He does his poor me bit about how his wife and son ignore him when their traveling and he turns on "the depressin' news."

He screeches, "It's sickening! It's sickening that the governors think they know more than God does! It's sickening an' a man calls hisself a president an' don't know how t'do nothing! Amen?"

I hear what sounds like a young person letting out a sound softly - not something I can transcribe, but it strikes me as a reaction to Gary's being so loud. I think I hear a kid saying "so ____," (? my guess is "loud" but I really couldn't catch it) and another whispering "I know."

Gary stares into the congregation, and blathers "You better be payin' attention, listen hey you gonna need this, you gonna need this one day if you grow up."

No, Gary, they will never need this. Nobody needs this. And that"if" was really sick.

Gary tell them that beer kills your liver. Hey, maybe Gary is the reason we get all of those dying liver ads on FJ!

Smoking kills your lungs. "Now they've got this - ah don't even know what they call it. But listen, whenever they put that liquid stuff an' they put - snort it or whatever they do to it an' then they blow it out it's  almost lahk wonna them big semah trucksss." He says that means it must be even worse for you than cigarettes.

He re-reads "verses 32."

He was sick of being sad. Gary makes the stupid "Saduccees" joke, then screams at them for several minutes about how they should be the happiest people on earth. He imitates people who just look at him when he preaches, and "wouldn't smile if it meant their life:"

Spoiler

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Gary, do they actually lean back and make Frankenstein arms? If you weren't so phenomenally loud and piercing, I'd think they were probably asleep.

He goes into one last shriek, about how he deserves to be in Hell, "with mah back broke, sss-frahin' lahk sausage."

Again, the captions seem to want something less violent, and sexier:

Spoiler

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And the video cuts off.

Must have been the devil.

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary stares into the congregation, and blathers "You better be payin' attention, listen hey you gonna need this, you gonna need this one day if you grow up."

No, Gary, they will never need this. Nobody needs this. And that "if" was really sick.

Holy shit.  He is just toxic.  I understand that the congregation is just as weird as Gary is but I honestly don't know how they don't just get up and walk out.  You sigh and Gary gets mad.  You don't answer him back and Gary gets mad.  You don't say "Hay-mahn" loud enough and Gary gets mad.  You don't put enough money in the Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket and Gary gets mad.  You don't agree loudly to pester everyone about Jesus and Gary gets mad.  Gary just lives mad.

And that business about women turning from 1 liter bottles into 3 liter bottles is such a dig at Becky that I'm almost speechless.  Old Gary isn't exactly a 1 liter bottle himself.

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On 10/2, Groton NY got rid of the parasite named Gary. He next infested . . . well, I don't know yet. Nothing on Facebook identifies the church, and I don't recognize it. I know he said he was going to Pennsylvania, and I think he said it was a church he'd never visited before.

When the video begins, Gary is already preaching for Sunday School, and listing countries that need the gospel. It's the middle of his "burden for America" routine. But he veers off into talking about the family from Louisiana that is trying to find a church "in Connecticut."
Becky: "Vermont."
Gary: "Vermont."

When he rattles off "we travel around, trahin' to preach the gospel to the dead - of the death burial and resurrection to a lost an' dahin' world," the captions say:

Spoiler

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He continues telling them all about himself. He announces Mark chapter one, then swigs from his water bottle as he tells them his life verse "when ah started out bein' saved 'n' things," used to be Romans 8:28. I looked that up, it's: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

He says, "Whenever the Lord gimme that verse ah said, 'Lord,' after realizin' what that verse really meant, ah said, 'Lord, you sure ah should have that verse, amen?'"

Someone laughs. I have no idea what's so funny, or why most people would question God about such a generic verse. It does make sense that Gary would - it's way too positive. I suspect that, when Gary says "God is good all the time, all the time God is good," he mentally adds, "but other people are treating me like dirt."

Anyway, he tells them that now Becky puts Mark 1:38 on their newsletters and thank-you notes. He has them stand, and reads it: And he said unto them, Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also: for therefore came I forth.

That's more focused on what Gary really wants. I'm sure he'd love it if it was more specific - something like: And he said unto them, Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also:, and be housed and clothed and given vehicles, and there had better be Chinese food and fried chicken, for therefore came I forth.

Gary says they are in Avondale (then asks if he said it right, because people get offended when you don't pronounce things right), so I figure out that the church is Calvary Baptist - there are pictures on their website with that background and baptismal font.

Gary says they'd agree that they are in the Philadelphia area. Well, I guess as opposed to being in the Houston or New York City area:

Spoiler

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Anyway, as he says of every area, they need more churches. His theme seems to be "Whaaaaaa go?" He assures them that he's not being nosy, but he likes it when he looks around a church and sees a mission board. He likes seeing "missionaries hangin' ohn the wall."

Spoiler

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Like this, Gary?

He tells them that God blesses everything they do right, but the two things God blesses most are "takin' care of the man of God, and supportin' missionaries."

Gary, a glance through your Facebook page shows me that you preached six times at this church - couldn't you save the grifting for the last one?

"But, uhhhh, Mark chapter one, look in uh verses 21 here in Mark 21 ah'm gohn' give ya a few things real quick-lahk until about a quarter 'til, preacher?"
The pastor, I assume: "Yessir."
Gary: "OK."

The captions:

Spoiler

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Turns out it's Mark 1:21. KJV: And they went into Capernaum; and straightway on the sabbath day he entered into the synagogue, and taught.
Bro Gary Version: And they went into the, uh into Caprians; and straightway on the sabbath day he entered into the synagogue, and taught.

Number one, people need to be taught. "The brother goes down every week an' drahves and teaches in a college 'n' everything."

He means the pastor of this church, I think - he gestures toward someone in the church. If it is him, I haven't found anything about him teaching at a college. His name is pretty generic - George Anderson.

While talking about how men need to be taught, Gary veers off into talking about the camp meeting in Texas and the night that God showed up and they "didn't even get t'have no preachin'," and tells them that Jacob said "ah don't know what God wants at this tahm, but ah surrender to whatever God wants me to do."

There are people who are saved, but won't be in church, because they haven't been discipled. He babbles in sentence fragments about Brother Carpenter:

"We just had a preacher in New York that just passed away here about three weeks ago an' uh ah would go an' he had a mission quarters an' ah would go preach for him sometahm ohn a Wednesday naht an' we'd fellowship a little bit since ah've been goin' up t'upstate New York an' everything but what ah found out an' what ah really enjoyed bein' around him was 'Brother Hawkins, ah would love to back up some of your meetin's but ah'  - an' he had a church about runnin' about 100 people but he said 'Ah always, ah'm always disciplin' somebody.' An' that really impressed me, ya know wha? "Cause that's what we're listen hey the ministry ain't just preachin' amen? "

The captions don't quite catch the end of Gary's "They need to be taught that there's a Hell to shun an' a Heaven to gain."

image.png.68bf12b028ee2fb295214baa77a7b74e.png  image.png.732387c3bef1d99cd06b1a44d1206425.png 

He starts talking about the property they were looking at in New York, and gives more details (like these people care). Turns out it was the former Freedom Village, founded by Fletcher Brothers. So, yet another cruel fundie school with a disgraced pastor in debt attached.

Gary says "they closed their doors because of a - ah don't know all the details an' prob'ly don't wanna know." Purposely lying because evil or actually clueless because stupid? As ever, with Gary, I lean toward the latter, but who knows?

He says he wants he wants to "do all 50 states. Now the only thing about goin'a Hawaii is ah would haveta send somebody 'cause ah don't believe in flahin' amen."

His "Low, I am with you" joke gets laughs. Becky says "Take a boat."

I guess he's planning to drive to Alaska.

Do he and the upstate New York pastors have some bizarre thought in their heads about opening the Gary Hawkins School of Screechin' - er, Preachin'?

He bloviates on about needing to teach, and how Sunday school may be the most important service. Well, then, how about having some sort of actual lesson planned, you disorganized dope? Nope, he goes into another yarn about some church that he helped to find a new preacher, and how the preacher's first Sunday School lesson was teaching people how to go soul-winning.

He reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+1%3A31&version=KJV

"Number two, lahves need to be changed. Amen? We should be - Jude, t'Jude chap - heh, there's only one Jude, if you got more'n Jude - more'n one chapter in Jude, you better throw that thing in the trash amen. But Jude, ah b'lieve it is, verses 22, talks about suhhhm, havin' compassion, makin' a differencccce."

Gary, if you wanted to go directly to your misquoting of Jude, why did you bother with Mark?

And he's off on another anecdote - the preacher took them out to dinner last night, and then they went grocery shopping (I wonder who paid). While they were checking out, the "young man" (cashier, I guess) liked Gary's Trump 2024 hat, and Gary invited him to church, because he wants to make a difference.

It's all about Jesus, but Gary's glad that he gets "to have a part in it." Considering how often you get treated to food and fellowship, Gary, I think the captions are on to your real meaning:

Spoiler

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More familiar Garycrap is spewed, including reminding them that, if the devil isn't bothering them, "you're not doing right, you're not doin' enough."

Gary says that, when he's trying to do things for God, the devil attacks him, "to the best of his ability, an' he knows my weak ends amen?"

Well, what's a caption program to do?

Spoiler

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He tells them they should use the altars, says "Romans chapter 12," then something about posting on Facebook and how "people think ah'm very consoversy. Ah'm not consoversy." He never does explain that - he completely forgets to tell the story about the Biblical/unbiblical, altar/sacrifice argument, and his torture by Facebook crucifixion.

After more sentence fragments about preachers who won't change, his not doing enough Bible college "to hurt me," being taught by some of the "old menna God" to have an open mind, that he's only saying what God wants,  and about a dozen iterations of "but ah wanna say somethin' to ya," he asks them to "look at verses 35."

That's about half of the Sunday School  . . . thing. I'll finish later.

Edited by thoughtful
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4 hours ago, Xan said:

And that business about women turning from 1 liter bottles into 3 liter bottles is such a dig at Becky that I'm almost speechless.  Old Gary isn't exactly a 1 liter bottle himself.

I suspect it's also a dig at Jeannie. And every other woman who's ever annoyed him. So basically all of them.

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

But he and Miz Stout are friends - this gets laughs, and he says "she'd rather me just take the friend part off an' leave the rest of it in there amen?

I get the feeling there are quite a few women in these churches who get on well with Becky and put up with Gary because of her and because their idiot husbands are friendly with him.

4 hours ago, Xan said:

Gary just lives mad.

And pissy. He's a bag of pissy whining.

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23 hours ago, Xan said:

Gary just lives mad.

That's true. He is perpetually angry and on edge. Even if he was a fit person with a healthy lifestyle, I'd be surprised that he hasn't had a stroke or a heart attack yet.

23 hours ago, Xan said:

And that business about women turning from 1 liter bottles into 3 liter bottles is such a dig at Becky that I'm almost speechless.  Old Gary isn't exactly a 1 liter bottle himself.

He has said that one about men in the past, as well as women. And, in fact, I think he was saying it about both in this instance. So it's offensive against all, not just women. And Becky wasn't slim when he fell in love with her, so I don't think he had her in mind.

I think it's more that he's thinking of the young people as immature and responding only to physical beauty. He's probably proud that he married the one that God sent, and she married him, despite their both being 3-liter bottles at that point in life.

So, still conceited and offensive, but in a slightly different way.

Edited by thoughtful
clarity
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On 10/21/2021 at 4:59 PM, Ozlsn said:

I get the feeling there are quite a few women in these churches who get on well with Becky and put up with Gary because of her and because their idiot husbands are friendly with him.

I would imagine so.  She's as hateful as he is (which may not be a disadvantage in their crowd) but her social skills are better. But then, whose aren't?

A lot of them seem to live in that weird world of constant disrespect for the opposite sex - the "men are all just big babies who tromp mud and deer blood all over the house" and "women just want to gossip and go to Walmart" but "deep down, we love them" culture.  So I wonder if whether someone likes someone else's spouse seems almost moot.

Gary continues the 10/3 Sunday School "lesson" at Calvary Baptist in Avondale, PA by reading verse 35  of Mark 1: And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed.

Another reason we should go is because people need prayer. Gary, can't you pray from one place?

Gary calls someone Linda (her name is Lisa - he says he'll get it if she gives him ten years), and says they were talking earlier about the need for prayer. He tells them about his "preacher friend," Don Green, who prays ten hours a day, and always has, even when he was busy pastoring a church and raising a family. And he rolls out a lot of his usual routines about prayer, including telling them they need to pray for Jesus to go ahead of them when they go soul-winning, and acts it out.

Again, the captions have trouble with "a Hell to shun and a Heaven to gain:"

Spoiler

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I love this idea of Jesus doing reconnaissance for the soul-winning.

Pray for our families. "The devil is on the attack with our families."

Or maybe, the devil is

Spoiler

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The captions make a valiant attempt when Gary pronounces "fervent" as "fevrent."

Spoiler

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Then there's more of his usual about prayer, and how "Walmarts" and the government want you to be a robot. You need to prove yourself to Jesus, "am ah makin' sense this mornin'? Look at verses 41.

You look at it Gary - the punctuation matters. You're doing the "let's eat grandma" version of this verse.

KJV:  And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean.
BGV:  And Jesus moved with compassion, putting forth his hand, and touched him, and said unto him, I will be thou clean.

We need to have compassion. "Having compassion doesn't mean that yer gonna go an' undulge in this sin."

Is undulge the opposite of dulge? And, if so, what is dulge?

He tells them that the governor in New York just said she was God. The man (I assume it's the pastor) who has been doing the most calling out to support Gary says "Yes. Wicked." Gary explains that the governor claimed to be God "because she wanted to use that word, love." And he lets them know that, while God loves him and has compassion, "he also whups me." Jesus has to prune the fruit trees now and then.

Back to the governor and her wanting to make everybody love one another - Gary claims he loves people who have "taken the vaccine," and those who haven't. He won't get mad at the people who have taken it, and he doesn't want them to get mad at him. He doesn't remember if he's ever had a vaccine of any kind since he left his "Momma and Daddy's, bein' a grownup."

I wasn't aware that your leaving your parents' house as a grownup had happened yet, Gary.

There is "more to this vaccine than most people know." He gets a resounding "That's right!" from the man in the congregation. But Gary is not gong to run you down for taking it, he just "maht think you a little strange, amen."

Gary goes on about how compassionate we all need to be. And I'm sure he thinks he's very compassionate.

"Lookit verses 39."

KJV: And he preached in their synagogues throughout all Galilee, and cast out devils.
BGV: And he preached in their synagogues throughout the GaliLEE, and cast out devils.

I know, it's only one error, but the verse only has 13 words.

We need to go because we need some preaching in this day. He blathers through much of his usual crap about preaching, old-time preachers naming the sin and the sinner, preachers who entertain are bad. how he didn't love people before he got saved but now he does, and "look in verses 37."

And when they had found him, they said unto him, All men seek for thee.

We need to go because the harvest is ripe. After his usual babble about that, he humble-brags about all of the people that have gotten saved in the various places he visited since August.

"The harvest is ripe. Look at verses 38."

And he said unto them, Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also: for therefore came I forth.

Gary, you read that one already.

"The labors are few." I think you mean laborers, Gary. Gary understands that people falling away from church is part of the last days, but every saved person should be a missionary.

He starts talking about Jim Kilgore (whose name he doesn't remember, of course), we find out that Kilgore came into help with Vacation Bible School in Groton because the person who usually does it got Covid.

And he goes on about being a missionary and godbothering everyone, everywhere.

"Lemme give you this an' ah'll be done. Verse 46." He mumbles about there not being a verse 46, but that's what he wrote down, then says it's verse 45.

But he went out, and began to publish it much, and to blaze abroad the matter, insomuch that Jesus could no more openly enter into the city, but was without in desert places: and they came to him from every quarter.

"Last of all, wha should we go? To see souls saved. There's lots and lots of lost people around that need you."

And he finishes with a prayer.

Edited by thoughtful
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More debate under Becky's post about booze - she starts with lots of Bible verses against drunkenness (none of which say to never touch alcohol), and the battle is on. There is a bit of challenging the KJV in there, too.

Spoiler

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Those were all under Becky's second post.

These were responses to the first post:

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Maria, here are all of the references. You (or whatever preacher taught you this) are making up the idea that it means grape juice.

Whatever happened to taking the KJV literally and not interpreting it or looking at other translations? The inspired 1611 word of God says "wine," so it's wine.

Edited by thoughtful
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52 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Whatever happened to taking the KJV literally and not interpreting it or looking at other translations? The inspired 1611 word of God says "wine," so it's wine.

I've never understood this fundie insistence on thinking Jesus drank grape juice.  I get that it's just a legalism to separate the "real Christians" from everyone else but it's lunacy.  The drinking water in those days wasn't particularly sanitary and it made good sense to have wine.  Jesus even turned water into wine.  Every time I hear them protest that he turned water into grape juice, I sigh.  

I get that they're not big into self-control.  They're rather remove all offending materials than have to make distinctions about just how much wine one can drink or whether one can hold hands before marriage and still be pure.

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