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Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People


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55 minutes ago, Jasmar said:

I’m not sure if it’s just me today (lots of stress around here, so I’m having a harder time tracking), or if it’s Gary, but that whole middle section about Mike and Jeannie and anger and a video? Didn’t make a lick of sense to me.

Oh, it's Gary - it's always Gary. That one had a very high nonsense-to-word ratio.

I apologize for not translating in the post.

Gary was on the subject of people who don't smile in church.  I'm guessing the thought of people frowning at him made him think of Jeannie, and the story about the video, because he swung right into it with no segue.

Gary, Jacob and Mike watched a video (I think some of the babble was saying that Becky was not there, but I'm not sure). It was something Gary thinks people will disapprove of, but they thought it was hilarious - so much so that Gary feared he would have to pick Mike up off of the floor if he fell out of his wheelchair from laughing so hard, and he wasn't sure he was up to that task.

Gary made an aside that Jeannie is sometimes hard to "read" emotionally, except when she's angry - when she's angry, she's like the brawling woman in Proverbs 21:9 (It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house),  so you'd better get up on the roof to get away from her.

Jeannie's expression did not change when she watched the video, but Gary is not sure if that means she didn't find it funny.

He's not going to say what the video is in church, but people can come to him after church to find out. And if they disapprove and accuse him of recommending "junk," he'll drive back from wherever he is to confront them about it.

I hope that helped.

Edited by thoughtful
clarity, to make it clear that Gary has the unpleasant image of Jeannie, not me
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5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

There is nothing on Gary's Facebook but videos, and nothing new on Becky's - the bra MLM post is still the most recent. So no new opinions or Facebook rants from G, and nothing about meeting the baby from B. Just as well.

I find it really odd that the only mention of Gary's granddaughter is the violent examples of punishment/training in his sermons.  Nobody in the family has anything on their Facebook about the baby either.  His daughter mentions the birth of the baby with the general expected details and then nothing.  Yet, she posted three posts  about Gary's birthday.  Maybe his daughter and son-in-law just want to keep the child's life private, which I would commend them for, but it seems out of character.  I agree it's just as well; the less contact Gary has with that child, the better off the kid will be.   The selfish part of me just wants to see a baby picture, but I can go to the J-Rod thread for that, at least until she gets tired of the novelty and is on to the next thing.

There was someone who posted on Gary's page thanking Gary for accepting his friend request.  It scares me how many people are out there that think like Gary.  Gary's new friend David's post was reminiscent of an academy award acceptance speech.  Really, David, Gary is not deserving of your adoration and promise of being a "true and faithful" friend. In order for Gary not to unfriend you, you better read a paper KJV bible daily, be fully clothed from the neck down, go to every revival at all the independent baptist churches within a 50 mile radius, go to every church service even if you're not feeling well, and fight for your right to spread disease.  Also, you better start posting nonsense about Biden and the liberals taking away church.  It's God's Gary's way or the highway.  Amen.

image.thumb.png.85b7aa190e78af78f871f564b5242599.png

@thoughtfulI know it's been said before, but I'm thankful you summarize Gary.  I can listen to all sorts of things, but Gary is not one of them. He is a fundie I would go out of my way to avoid in public; he makes me feel ill when I listen to him.  I think I could have a cordial discussion with Becky though, so I'm not a complete wimp.

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Continuing the 9/29 video, Gary reads half a verse from Proverbs:

KJV: A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly:
BGV:  An' a man that hath a friend must shew himself friendly:

Nine words, Gary - just nine precious holy words of God  - and you couldn't manage it.

Mean people have mean friends, listening to the media will make you miserable, "Jesus would have people to be friendly in church" - all old stuff.

He imitates imaginary people with deep voices who say they're going to go to church but "ain't gonna friend nobody."

If you don't get fellowship with God, your friend, and your church, "you're gonna dah. Amen! Does that make sense?"

No.

Oh, he means die spiritually (y'know, like it doesn't say in the Bible about Adam and Eve, but Gary insists on it anyway): "Yer gonna spirit'ly drah up an' just dah."

Or:

Spoiler

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That sounds like some sort of Halloween horror story that takes place at Burger King.

Gary screams "Life sucks!"

"It ain't fair! Listen hey, it ain't fair that Joe Bahden thinks he's the president! It ain't fair, but guess what? Ah'm not gonna worry about it 'cause hey,  wha? 'Cause Jesus is on the throne, not Joe Bahden, amen? So ah gotta be friendly."

"If Joe Bahden - an ah did - he was in New York here last week an' ohn the site it showed that he was here an' ah got on there an' ah said 'Hey, ah'd lahk t'invite you to revahval at Heritage Baptist Church. You mean you say you want Joe Bahden t'come t'church? __________ " (babble - may be something along the lines of "you better believe it," but I'm guessing from context). "You say wha? 'Cause Joe Bahden needs Jesus. Joe Bahden needs someone t'be a friend t'him amen?"

Gary, in two recent messages, you said you wanted to kill him and/or beat him up.

Also, Catholics don't need you to give them Jesus - they believe in him already.

He screams at them about getting their heads out of the sand, and how they have to get up and greet new people. He doesn't give a flip if the preacher's preachin', which he says fast enough that the captions censor it:

Spoiler

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You need to get up and "go friend 'em."

Gary talks about when he first came to New York, and he came up with "a braht idear." He said "We're dealin' with a lotta Catholics, and here's what we gotta do"

Or maybe:

Spoiler

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Triage is what you gotta do in that instance, I think, but then, IANAD, nor do I play one on the Internet.

Gary says he's not religious. "You say, 'Well, Baptist is a religion."

I think the captions know what Gary's real religion is:

Spoiler

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He imitates the low-voiced imaginary complainer, saying what a bad day he's had. "Well ah have bad days, too. But ah still gotta be friendly. Ah don't always wanna go t'church, listen hey ah'm not as spir't'l as y'all up here in New York. Ah mean, listen ah been in church for how many days now? If ah start repert - if ah start repeatin' mah message bless God you just pretend lahk you know what ah - you just pretend lahk ah'm preachin' somethin' new, t'shout out amen? If y'all ever do shout. Be friendly! Be nice! Ah know that's hard to do."

Gary, you really have some nerve.

Deep-voice imaginary stupid person again: "'Ah don't know where you get friends, 'cause you ain't nice.'"

The next is so soft I'm not sure of it, but I think Gary says "Oh, ah got beaucoup friends."

The captions say:

Spoiler

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Ah got friends in hah places. Does that make sense? Go t'John chapter 14."

I'll meet you there later.

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Gotta say, in these last photos, I looked at Gary's tie, and thought "Shroud of Turin"... just the pattern made me think of it... not that he'd EVER wear a tie like that..

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1 hour ago, Four is Enough said:

Gotta say, in these last photos, I looked at Gary's tie, and thought "Shroud of Turin"... just the pattern made me think of it... not that he'd EVER wear a tie like that..

Yeah - way too Catholic!

I think it's this one - a pattern of doves, crosses, and ichthus figures (some of the latter being impaled on the crosses):

Spoiler

image.png.ff2edbf6a04ea754851209a00d838a59.png image.png.ed984d9a3a31c1daca5d2418adfdb471.png

 

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Choose-From-Over-60-Different-Designs-Steven-Harris-Pack-Of-4-Mens-Christian-Religious-Neckties-Jesus-Neck-Tie/439987984

 

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21 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Yeah - way too Catholic!

I think it's this one - a pattern of doves, crosses, and ichthus figures (some of the latter being impaled on the crosses):

  Hide contents

image.png.ff2edbf6a04ea754851209a00d838a59.png image.png.ed984d9a3a31c1daca5d2418adfdb471.png

 

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Choose-From-Over-60-Different-Designs-Steven-Harris-Pack-Of-4-Mens-Christian-Religious-Neckties-Jesus-Neck-Tie/439987984

 

That's too much ugly to be contained on one tie.  Also, the fish logo is impaled by the cross.  That's not good...

I've never really understood why the instrument of Jesus' death became a symbol of Christianity.    The dove, yes.  The fish for ichthys ((ἰχθύς), sure.  But a symbol of torture and death?  Nope.

Spoiler

Sometimes when I see all the crosses in these churches, I think of the routine by Bill Hicks.  "You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a f*#king cross, man?  Ow.  That may be why he hasn't shown up yet."

 

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40 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Yeah - way too Catholic!

I think it's this one - a pattern of doves, crosses, and ichthus figures (some of the latter being impaled on the crosses):

  Reveal hidden contents

image.png.ff2edbf6a04ea754851209a00d838a59.png image.png.ed984d9a3a31c1daca5d2418adfdb471.png

 

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Choose-From-Over-60-Different-Designs-Steven-Harris-Pack-Of-4-Mens-Christian-Religious-Neckties-Jesus-Neck-Tie/439987984

 

From the hated Walmarts, of course! I am continually amazed by the sheer number of ugly religious ties he owns. 

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It’s almost as though his ties reflect the inner man: loud, ugly, and stupid.

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Listening for any more gems from Friendly Gary's 9/29 message, I find out that he never announces what verse he's going to read, just the chapter. But it's John 14:15 - If ye love me, keep my commandments.

"Ya need t'be loving. Amen?"

First, you have to love the church.

"Now, you know when they do sports?" "Ball practice" is on Sundays and Wednesdays, which is, of course, a problem, since everyone should be in church instead.

"Ah'm not lookin' at anybody, but y'all lookin' a me lahk ah'm crazy, ah don't know what ah'm talkin' about. Well, ah'm just gonna say this, mah daddy an' momma must've loved me a whole lot because ah didn't get to play sports on Sunday an' Wednesday. Ah had to be in church. Ya say wha? Mah daddy loved the church."

Eventually, he gets to loving one another, and imitates someone who claims they can't love someone for some reason. No excuses, in Gary's mind.

Of course, his idea of loving others is to pray that they get saved, then he gets to be as nasty and hateful to everyone as he wants, and still claim he loves them. So "loving everybody" is not terribly difficult for Gary.

"The Pharisees is always trahin t'trick up Jesus. Askin' Him tryin' t'come up with trick - quick - tricky questions. Now ah unnerstand somebody trahin' t'trick me up 'cause ah'm not the smartest cookie in the thing, so they can - they can easily trick me, amen? They maht as well quit trahin' t'trick Jesus, He's got every answer there is, amen? But lovin' the church, how much do you love one another?"

And he gets back to loving the church for a while.

Gary has not been getting any responses during this message. It is eerily, wonderfully silent whenever he pauses, screams a climax, and/or puts his hand to his ear. He announces Acts chapter one, then mumbles that he'll be glad when Brother Carl gets back, "Nobody's shoutin' for me, amen."

Becky corrects him - the man's name is Chuck. Gary barks "What?" Becky repeats that his name is Chuck, and Gary grumbles, "Whatever his name is," and something I can't understand, then yells "Acts chapter one, look in verses eight."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+1%3A8&version=KJV

Would you like a church full of people who are just like you when it comes to telling others about Jesus? The usual crap about godbothering everyone, everywhere, all the time follows.

That includes mealtimes at work - Gary does his usual routine about Yankees calling dinner lunch and supper dinner, and mumbles what I think is "Mah goo'ness, some of y'all wouldn't laugh if it meant yer lahf. If the - if if Bebbo the clown come in here y'wouldn't laugh, amen."

Gary, does the idea that people don't laugh because you were not funny ever occur to you?

I have no idea if there was ever a Bebbo (or Bevvo) the clown - google yielded nothing. Maybe he means Bozo, and is just being Gary.

The captions are still in the Bible:

Spoiler

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Back to being overtly Christian at meals - Gary acts out someone praying over their meal.

Spoiler

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Y'know, in case they don't know how to do it. :roll:

He talks about how he worked his way around the rules about proselytizing when he drove a school bus, by manipulating ("twistin' around") the conversation to get children to ask  questions.

And you have to tell people about Jesus when you're on vacation, too.

1 Corinthians, chapter 1. Is ever'body awraht?"

Jacob, alone, yells a resounding "AMEN!"

 

Edited by thoughtful
grammar - it's a thing
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 Continuing Gary's 9/29 message, in which he asks the silent congregants of Heritage Baptist Church if they'd like to go to a church full of people like themselves.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A8&version=KJV

"Do you want a church full of people that's pleasing the Lord? Y'need t'please Him."

He says that he likes it when his wife is pleased with him. He gets very quiet, and says she's 10% pleased with him. "The other 90% is lahk the rest of 'em . . . 'If he could only . . . . dah of the Corona.'"

There's a long silence, during which Gary keeps a straight face, then Becky squeals with laughter at this bon mot and Gary looks very pleased with himself.

Spoiler

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He goes back to people talking about sports, and "Mah wahf's cousin, ah guess he must've went to a show or something, an' he's got a nice, uh . . . "
Becky (mindreading as usual): "1969 Mustang."

It's OK to talk about sports, and show off your 1969 Mustang on Facebook, but after you do, you have to say "Ah wanna be pleasing to God, so we gotta have a conversation about God."

Spoiler

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Gary screams for a while about people making excuses for not doing right, then quietly lists the things you should decide to do, if you are going to "do right" each day: read your Bible, pray, hand out tracts and go to church if there's church "goin' ohn."

Doesn't sound like a productive day to me, Gary. I'd say "you do you," but you're self-righteously haranguing other people about doing all of that, and some of them are the people feeding, housing and caring for you.

After more screaming, and some low-voice mockery about how he can't get in trouble in church unless he says something about his wife or Miss Jeannie, he looks at them sourly, says "Let me move ohn," and reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A10&version=KJV

"Do you want a church member that's makin' division, or do you want a church member that's makin' peace? Which one are you?"

While pointing out that he understands that people differ, he once again makes fun of Jeannie about the video, speaking in his deep snob voice and postulating that she did find it funny, and just kept it on the inside because she didn't want them to know.

Becky giggles.

Gary goes on to lecture them about volunteering in church for a while, then starts to reread (and misread) the verse.

" 'Now I beseech ye. Brethren by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye speak that ye all speak the same thing' oh wow, raht there, you got - you ever play that ss - what is that they call what is that uh -"
Becky, aka Claire Voyant: "Telephone."
Gary: "Huh?"
Becky: "Telephone."

He describes the game, and says that's what's happening in Baptist churches.

He goes back to the verse, and when he gets to "be perfectly joined together," he says, "Now ah know Joe Bahden cain't even put a chahld's puzzle together, but have ya ever put a puzzle together?"

Gary says his big problem is his mouth - it gets him in trouble. No, Gary, that's just a symptom.

He harangues them about the devil trying to ruin their churches. Again.

Go to Fizzions chapter three.

Later, dude.

Edited by thoughtful
fixing link
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I'm not sure which one I want to show up in a title, @thoughtful.  It's a toss-up between Bebbo the Clown and God wanting more info about the Mustang.  😆

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I posted this on the JRod thread, but I figured I would here too.  Gary commented on Jill Rodrigues' Mimi post. Do you think Becky wrote it?  "I feel in love" with a baby sounds weird.

image.png.515bf35ca1c8072224ae171773160596.png

Edited by Joyster
spelling
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46 minutes ago, Xan said:

I'm not sure which one I want to show up in a title, @thoughtful.  It's a toss-up between Bebbo the Clown and God wanting more info about the Mustang.  😆

Oh, but Gary gives us so much material - I don't want titles wasted on my jokes when the man himself is a goldmine!

 

33 minutes ago, Joyster said:

I posted this on the JRod thread, but I figured I would here too.  Gary commented on Jill Rodrigues' Mimi post. Do you think Becky wrote it?  "I feel in love" with a baby sounds weird.

image.png.515bf35ca1c8072224ae171773160596.png

Maybe Gary was trying to write "I fell in love."

But who knows.

I guess it's nice to know he has some other feelings besides the two he'd expressed already.

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I can’t see Gary writing “I feel in love”:about his grandchild without thinking about his expressed wish to be the first to chastise the baby. That thought takes away from the sincerity of any expressions of love. 

However, it’s good to get confirmation that they actually met the grandchild. I wonder if daughter and husband have decided to keep the baby off social media. 

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14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I have no idea if there was ever a Bebbo (or Bevvo) the clown - google yielded nothing. Maybe he means Bozo, and is just being Gary.

Legends of Tomorrow had an episode where people started worshipping Beebo (the blue plush toy God of War") where Beebo Day replaced Christmas and became the most popular religious deity . . .   

dc-s-legends-of-tomorrow-beebo-1621986612.jpeg

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On 10/14/2021 at 1:01 PM, Xan said:

I've never really understood why the instrument of Jesus' death became a symbol of Christianity.    The dove, yes.  The fish for ichthys ((ἰχθύς), sure.  But a symbol of torture and death?  Nope.

My JW former coworker, who lost her eldest son in a drowning accident, once told me that to her, having a cross on the wall(or an upright stake, which JWs believe Jesus was “impaled” on), would be like keeping a container of water from the lake where her son died.

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5 hours ago, postscript said:

I wonder if daughter and husband have decided to keep the baby off social media. 

I hope so. Of course, I also hope they have decided not to ever hit her, and to get her properly educated, but I may be reaching for the stars.

Gary's 9/29 message, asking whether you'd want a whole churchful of you, drags to it's end. He reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+3%3A16-17&version=KJV

Gary doesn't do his usual one-liner about how this connects to his theme. He goes into high Meaningless Fragment Mode for a while.

"Now ah wantchu t'go back to the middle of, or right close to the - ah dunno how yer Bahble's lahned out but mahn's right uh almost t'the last  lahn an' it's sayin' again 'rooted and grounded.'"

"An' ah said a little bit about doctine last night, see - listen, you - you want a church that's - y'see ah been dealin' with the last, ah dunno, month, ah guess, ah been dealin' with  a bunch of people uh uh uh thinkin' that tongues is OK. Well ah'm gon' tellya - ah just finished - or almost finished - first Corinthians. An' ah think ah got t'like 13 or 14 somewhere right through that somewhere in those scriptures, an' it was talking about tongues."

"See, here it is. Hah - ah ah had somebody message mah wife today that we know, an' - ah dunno if somebody moved to Vermont, or whatever the deal is, but they lookin' for a church."

He goes on (and on) about the phone calls he made to try to find a church for these people. One woman who answered the phone at a church mentioned that, like the people moving to Vermont, she was from Louisiana, and Gary told her she's lost her Cajun accent.

"If you've never heard nobody talk in Louisiana, just call them at a random phone call, an' just listen to 'em talk. If they don't talk Cajun, then they're not from Louisiana, amen?"

Gary goes on about different languages (with a detour to complain about how he has to "mash one" for English), and I finally see where he's going - it's his usual thing about the references to "tongues" in the Bible just meaning other languages.

You could have said that in four seconds rather than four minutes, Gary.

Finally, he connects being "rooted and grounded" to his theme of what a church full of people like oneself would be like. "Ya wanna buncha church people that know as much as you know?"

He reminds them that he's been saved for 22 years, then gestures to someone and says, "Ah'm not pickin' ohn Kristen, you been saved coupla years now, somethin' lahk that?"

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.9ce7a59f149c208b189d8f3d3d0bbc2e.png

"Ah better know a little bit more'n Kristen, ya say wha? Ah been saved longer - 'zat make sense amen?"

He starts gesturing to people and asking how long they've been saved, waiting only a second for an answer. He gets no answers - I think some of them may have been in the trance-like state I'd need to be in to survive a Bro Gary message live and in person, and aren't ready to answer instantly.

"Y'been saved how long Brother Mike? He not even sure he's saved we'll git him saved here in a little bit." To someone else: "How long you been saved? She don't even know how long she's been saved! Mah goodness, halleloo. You know how long you been saved? Mah wahf don't even know."
Becky (who was busy giggling): "Thirty years."

Spoiler

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Someone who is "a little bit older in the Lord" might know more is, I guess, his point.

"Ah don't have a bit of problem talkin' t'anybody about the King James Bahble, because ah know wha ah'm with it. Ah was talkin' t'mah Daddy today, because, uh, we got some an' it don't matter, ah wouldn't have a bitta problem with wonna these faces an' tellin' 'em an' ah hope t'God ah never do but ah may wonna these days just be that stupid go tell 'em how stupid they are an' ah'd be smarter than they are amen. Y'all'll catch ohn t'that after a whahl, amen?"

I think the weirdness about "faces" in there was Gary saying he would not have a problem telling one of these people what he thinks, to their faces. Gary has barely taken a breath, and goes right on:

"But this - these people come up" (deep voice for person being mocked, of course), "'Well, you need t'be discipled because, you really didn't get discipled bein' at that church, and' - it's a good church!"

And he goes right back to saying "You better know what you believe."

I think that semi-told story had something to do with people telling someone at his father's church that somebody there didn't get "discipled" - by them? Or maybe Gary, Josh, or even Danny were never properly discipled, earlier in life? Who knows? That's all I've got. I could be totally wrong. But whatever it was, it is yet another trigger for Gary to be resentful, petulant and belligerent. 

But sometimes I think that breathing is a trigger for Gary to be resentful, petulant and belligerent. 

Gary tells them all about leading people to God, and reminisces a bit.

"Anybody that's ever led anybody t'God knows just, man, just how much fun it is an' how ya wanna do it again. Yeah, ah remember the first tahm ah led some young boy t'God ah mean listen, hey ah'm sittin' there talkin' to him an' all of a sudden the Lord got aholt of his heart an' he realized he needed God an' he got saved. That just made me wanna go do it again. Hey, listen hey, I'll just go find anybody, ah don't keer!"

Why do I feel like that story should have started with "Dear Penthouse Forum?" That link is NSFW or small children!

Gary, very excited, tries to cite chapter and verse, then quote, something that pops into his head. "Mattera fact, it's first Corinthians, chapter sss 15, verse 58, be ye steadfast unmovable, un - yeah, whatever ________ mumble."

He looks it up, mumbling "We got plentya tahm, y'all ain't got nothin' better t'do."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A58&version=KJV

Gary talks about people's various styles for rejecting him when he goes door-knocking, "The famous words in Maine are 'I'm all set.'"

"Go to Jude, chapter one 'cause that's all it is."

And, looking right at his Bible, he misreads what he always misreads from Jude.

KJV: And of some have compassion, making a difference:
BGV: And some, having compassion, makin' a difference:

"Do you want a church fulla people that's makin' a difference in the right way, or do you want a church fulla people that's makin' division in the church?"

Gary says he doesn't get up there and yell just because he likes it, but he admits he likes it. He says he likes getting under people's skin, and illustrates this with a phenomenally gruesome story. I will spare you.

He wants to make a difference in New York, in North Carolina, and when he goes "to hang out with them Indians." And he mentions having preached to President Nez - he hasn't brought that up in a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+10%3A9-11&version=KJV

Do you know, for sure, that you're saved?

Gary fumbles around describing a song sung at Brother Chris' church, in which people stood up when the day of the week that they got saved was sung. The only song I could find that seemed to fit the description was sung in this video, with, it seems, recorded accompaniment by The Who  😁 .

Gary does his usual routine about how he was raised in church, and adds "Ah maht as well pack mah bags and live in a church." You pretty much do exactly that, Gary.

Gary says that, if he'd died or the Rapture had come before he got saved, he'd have "went to Hell, sitting in a Baptist pew."

Or:

Spoiler

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He mentions Brother Lee Roberson, and says "Brother Mike's surely heard of Lee Robinson." The captions have seen Airplane! too many times:

Spoiler

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He does several minutes of his usual stuff about being sure you're saved, ending with: "If you don't know without a shadow of a doubt an' know that Jesus Christ Becky come t'the piana an' you don't know 100% sure, ah'd get it settled.

Or:

Spoiler

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30 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I think that semi-told story had something to do with people telling someone at his father's church that somebody there didn't get "discipled" - by them? Or maybe Gary, Josh, or even Danny were never properly discipled, earlier in life? Who knows? That's all I've got. I could be totally wrong. But whatever it was, it is yet another trigger for Gary to be resentful, petulant and belligerent. 

But sometimes I think that breathing is a trigger for Gary to be resentful, petulant and belligerent. 

I get the feeling sometimes that someone has told Gary and/or his dad that they're not real ministers.  Even David Rod has a piece of paper from a diploma mill.  Gary seems to have just decided that he's a preacher -- sorry, a "missionary to America" -- and that he just gets to go around the country and yell at people.  

I think I'll just decide to be a lawyer.  Yep.  Maybe I'll hang up a sign and start charging people to write wills and yell at people in court.  Who needs stinkin' credentials?

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On 9/29/2021 at 8:44 PM, Xan said:

Marjoe Gortner!  I am constantly surprised at how many FreeJingerites share my same popular culture reference points.

For those who are unfamiliar with this particular pop cultural reference point, https://www.trivia-library.com/a/biography-of-religious-con-man-marjoe-gortner.htm

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4 hours ago, Xan said:

I get the feeling sometimes that someone has told Gary and/or his dad that they're not real ministers.

I think so, too. IIRC, there was a hint about something like this a while back.

This sounded like a new instance, from the way Gary described it. Maybe they have someone in their lives who harps on it, or new people say it to them because they are begging for money.

Have you ever heard the expression "glutton for punishment?" Yeah, that's me - on to 9/30!  😁

As the video begins, Gary is dully, disinterestedly asking prayers for Miss Jeannie's sister, who lost her husband earlier this week.

So, Gary, you've spent several days picking on a woman whose brother-in-law just died, and whose sister is in mourning?

He says we need to pray for one another because "we're livin' in wicked tahms. Wicked, wicked times."

Gary burbles on about how he just heard "they" said "in October we'd run outta money" - he doesn't know if they mean 2021 or 2022. And money's not worth anything anyway - he was shocked to see that shirts cost $35 in the stores.

Actually, I'm impressed by one thing -  he admits that someone else was going to pay for the shirts, and he says he didn't want anyone paying that much. He found some that were 3/$15.

He announces that, on the final day of the revival, there is fun and pizza planned for the kids before the service. "Also, Brother Henry - "
Becky: "Kicinski."
Gary: "Yeah, that man - will be here tomorrow night. He plays the violin an' sings. He plays with the top - what is it Becky?"
Becky: "New ____ (?) Symphony Orchestra."
Gary: "Ah mean, he's good."

Out of curiosity, I searched all of the nearby orchestras, professional and amateur, and didn't find Henry. I don't know if Becky is under the impression that he is in a top-tier symphony orchestra. I'd expect Gary to be that clueless, but maybe Becky is, as well.

Gary teases them about not being real Baptists, because there's still leftover food from a previous evening. He imitates someone low-voice intoning how the Bible says not to be a glutton, then says "If yer gon' be a Baptist, might as well throw that word in the trash, amen?"

But, but - what happened to everything in the KJV being true and perfect and important? Why do you get to joke about something in it, but not someone else, Gary?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+27%3A17-24&version=KJV

KJV: For he knew that for envy they had delivered him.
BGV: For we knew that he - that - for we knew that for envy they had delivered him.

After verse 19, he tells them that Pilate's wife was "bein' convicted, an' she wasn't willin' t'get raht with God, so the Lord got on her case, amen?"

KJV:  When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made
BGV:  And when Pilate sawwoo he -  that he was - that he could not prevail nothing but that. Rather a trullmull was made.*

I won't type out Gary's whole spiel connecting that reading to his theme, but will summarize. There's no excuse for not knowing all about Jesus  - read the Bible. He re-reads some of the verses, says the people wanted "the crook," not Jesus, and that's what people want today. Gary wants no part of sinners, except to lead them to Jesus - he invited two ladies in a restaurant they were in today to come to church.

"But with the help of the Lord, ah wanna ask you a question  tonight - What Will You Do With Jesus? What Will You Do With Jesus?"

He does the stupid Pharisees and Sadducees joke, does his "troublin' tahms, per'lous tahms, soon getting out of here" bit - we could go at any time. He screams about how, if we knew when the Lord was coming, we'd all live in sin until an hour beforehand, then find a church for the last hour.

Speak for yourself, Gary.

"Ah've got about a four-and-a-half hour drahve come Sa'urdee, but ah have figured out somethin'  death is a whole lot quicker than four-and-a-half hours, amen?"

:wtf:

He tries to make a joke about whether Northerners or Southerners will go first, because of who is "dead in Christ" (in this case, the joke is supposed to be who has dull, "dead" church services, not who is already literally dead). He gets the Biblical quote backwards and Becky corrects him.

He screams about bringing children to church for a while. Gary says he's made some mistakes, and had to apologize to his children. Of course, he has to add something about how that's only when you're really wrong, and not just because the children want their own way.

At one point he stares into the congregation, and, without a split-second break, in the middle of a sentence about the scripture he read, suddenly says "We'll git outta here ohn tahm, don't worry about it, raht ohn tahm, amen!" He glares silently for a few seconds, then, "It's a sad day we're in when you kin set an' watch a two hour movie for whatever lengtha tahm set there an' not go to th'bathroom an' not go  t'git popcorn, not do none a'that stuff AMEN! But a preacher preaches a hour an' you git mad about it."

Spoiler

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Did someone have the audacity to glance at their watch?

After more yelling about how they'd better make much of Jesus, Gary asks "Is every'body alright?"

Well, the person you were threatening may have wet their pants, Gary.

"Look in Genesis chapter five real quick-like."

No, I won't.

So there.

* Now this would be a great thread title: "Rather a Trullmull Was Made."

Edited by thoughtful
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On 10/15/2021 at 12:15 PM, thoughtful said:

Would you like a church full of people who are just like you when it comes to telling others about Jesus?

Yes Gary, from everything you've said you would. At least they would be able to follow his scattered train of "thought".

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9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Yes Gary, from everything you've said you would. At least they would be able to follow his scattered train of "thought".

This could have been a good theme for a message, but I think Gary made it clear that he'd love a churchful of Garys, although he never came right out and said it. He even had fewer obligatory faux-modesty statements in this one.

And, yes, a room full of people who actually understand what he says would be a boon for him.

I never expect churches to reject him for his hatefulness, political statements, repetitive themes, lack of real-life guidance, or self-righteousness about belief and doctrine. That seems pretty standard in those churches.

But sometimes I think "People, that was an hour of near-constant nonsense! It was  mostly just babbling - how can you want that?"

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What I don't understand is how they tolerate his nasty comments about, for example, the preacher's wife.  In this case, he is "teasing" Miss Jeannie.  I've been around this shit before and it's just nasty, bullying comments but they call it teasing.  I have no idea why Becky is laughing.  In the rural south, there was a lot of this and it was mostly men making comments about women or about men who they deemed were less masculine.  Some if it was done in a mocking tone.  Once you see it for what it is, you can never go back and just tolerate it in silence.

Gary is a guest at these churches and they are the ones providing him food, shelter, vehicles, and apparently clothing.  The least he could do is not be rude to his benefactors.  Gary:  Continuing to fail.

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On 9/30, after his scary lecture to someone who he thought might not have been totally entranced by his What Would You Do With Jesus message, Gary read Genesis 5:24 - And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

"Ahwanna ask ya a question. Enoch took it serious, an' said hey ah believe the for mah children's sake because if you read the whole story there read the whole chapter maybe ya oughta go home an' do that amen? Won't hurtchu to read a chapter of the Bahble today ah read uh 27 today. That make ya say wha? Ah wanna know more about Jesus. Ah didn't just say it, ah put actions on it, amen? You say 'Yeah but you're a preacher, you don't have nothin' else t'do.'"

He stops for a weird and rather evil-looking smirk and some congregants laugh:

Spoiler

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Can't you just imagine him explaining to James Bond how the incredibly slow, torturous killing apparatus will work?

"You'd be surprahsed. Ah'll tell ya what - bein' that you don't think ah do nothin' else, ah invite you to Miss Stout's house at ten o'clock in the mornin' an' come an' help me load mah stuff up. You'll fahnd out how hard ah work, amen? But walkin' with God. That's an important thing in your life, amen?"

Oh, I guess we're back to Enoch. He never did ask them a question - guess that was just one of Gary's verbal farts.

He says there are people today that can walk the walk, but can't talk the talk, and then corrects himself (I wonder if Becky gives him a "flip it around the other way" signal of some sort at those moments).

He says he doesn't know anything about being in the Army, because he never was, but he's been learning over the last few days - it sounds like he's been having or overhearing conversations with a woman who serves in the Army, who is there in church. He says "she's the leader," and uses her as an example of needing to keep people "walking within the line."

Well, he was able to acknowledge a woman in the armed forces, and being in charge of others, with no sarcastic comments (so far). Practically miraculous, for Gary.

He says they have to do the same thing for "the Lord Jesus Crah." He talks about how he didn't like "the footprint" because he didn't understand it, but now he does.

Reminding them they have to take every opportunity to talk about Jesus, Gary says he's:

Spoiler

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Aw, Gary names his hats! Isn't that cute?

Now I want to name my clothes! How about a pair of socks called Fred and Ginger? Ah, but how could I tell which is which? Better do that with a pair of shoes, instead.

After yelling at them (or maybe just that one person he got pissed off at before - hard to tell) about reading the Bible for a while, he starts in on how the mysterious "they" are going to take away all the Bibles someday.

He brings up how "they were tryin' to git rid of Dr. Seuss." "What that is is they gotta git you inbrained an' they gotta git you instilled an' they gotta git you sold out for the news media, amen, an' believin' what they're sayin' an' they kin take the Dr. Seusses an' then they come gitcher King James Bahble. If you've got an NIV they prob'ly won't mess withya ya say wha? Heh - there ain't much in there about God amen."

I love that "ingrained" has turned into "inbrained." It's one of those semi-logical malapropisms.

Gary does his usual crap about his love affair with the KJV, and admits he doesn't understand all of it. But he seems to have an odd idea of what that means.

He's "fixin' t'go through Chronicles" next week, "an'  ah'm gonna say 'Joe,' an' 'Bob,' an' 'Sue,' an' th'rest of 'em, ya say wha? Ah'm not gon' be able t'pronounce all them names."

Gary says he's "not makin' fun" or "makin' laht." But then makes his joke about being thankful his Momma didn't know all of those names when she named him.

So, not being able to pronounce the names in Chronicles is the only way in which you think you don't understand the Bible, Gary?

I grant, Chronicles has some long lists of names - I don't think most of them are difficult, but I'm a word nerd and a musician who loves to mimic sounds, and have had the sounds of the original Hebrew that the transliteration is supposed to represent in my head for over 60 years. So I can only try imagine how they look to someone who only knows English, and then to someone who barely reads English, like Gary.

They might be hard, but why read them at all? When it comes to using the Bible as a guide for life, morality or anything important, all of those name lists in Chronicles are useless. Tom Lehrer's Elements, various Cole Porter and Stephen Sondheim songs, Tchaikovsky, that little Mozart ditty about all of the women Don G. has shtupped, and many other catalog songs are much more entertaining, and some are useful!

Gary, skip the lists of names altogether, unless you really need to know who begat who for some reason.

Well, looking those songs up was a fun distraction from Gary - let's see what he said next.

Oh, just more about the KJV, then "Go t'Proverbs chapter fahve. No, Proverbs chapter three."

I'll meet you there later, Gary. First I need to listen to I Can't Get Started.

Edited by thoughtful
clarity, grammar
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10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

But sometimes I think "People, that was an hour of near-constant nonsense! It was  mostly just babbling - how can you want that?"

Maybe people come to see him for the entertainment value. I mean, his schtick is a curious admixture of Jonathan Edwards (Sinners in the hands of an angry God), Robin Williams at his most manic, and Don Rickles. 

ETA: also a dash of Henny Youngman

Edited by Black Aliss
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