Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People

[thoughtful]

Gary  continues his 9/26 message about where we get our help by reading about the woman with the issue of blood:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+5%3A25-29&version=KJV

Gary assures them that he doesn't think it's wrong to go to doctors. Nice to know they have your permission to go to the doctors that you gave permission to work on Sunday. Are they allowed to go on Sunday, Gary? How about for an emergency?

For his examples, he mentions that Brother Mike couldn't stay alive without his dialysis, and how his own grandmother died a week after refusing more dialysis treatments. Discretion, thy name is Gary.

He also grants them leave to take their medications. 

"But ah wouldn't be dependin' on that doctor for yer lahf. Ya say wha? Because God's the one 'at createdchu amen? God's the one 'at formed you, God's the one 'at made you, and you are His if yer saved, an' you need t'be dependin' on Him fer yer issues. Amen."

He mentions Mike's inability to walk several times in this message.

Gary tells us that the "head gah over at th'dialysis" where Mike goes, quit because he was "against taking the shot. Listen, he'd be a good doctor ah'd lahk t'hire amen? He maht know the truth about some things amen?"

Or maybe:

Spoiler

Gary goes on about how doctors aren't always right and how he decided to stop taking his blood pressure medication when he lost weight.

Jeff Carpenter "was took off of the ventilator," or maybe:

Spoiler

He goes on to remind them that Carpenter had "multiple of strokes," a heart attack, "the Covid" and "whatever other issues," and God healed him.

Gary, he died. I know you think all infirmities no longer exist in Heaven, but it's not exactly the same thing.

"You say 'Who healed him?' It wadn't the doctors, amen? It was God that healed him.

The captions know better.

Spoiler

Gary gets on the subject of preachers who claim to heal - whenever he says Kenneth Copeland, the captions think it's Kenneth Cole. Neither can heal anyone, but I think Cole is more useful than Copeland. As Mel Brooks would say, "Make a shoe.",

Gary says he knows somebody who was born with polio. He gets distracted talking about the "things" he has to wear on his legs, and another guy he knows who also has polio and has to "clip somethin'" whenever he stands up to walk. He tells them that the first man went to a healing service, was sitting outside, asked for help to get in, and, according to Gary, was refused entrance because they said they didn't think God could heal him.

Gary blathers on insensitively about various people and their physical conditions and how they will all be healed in Heaven.

Gary was listening to a preacher on his walk the other day. He says he walked up the hill, then he walked back up the hill walking back down the hill - "y'all git somma that, y'all'll git that after a whahl." The preacher said Luke was a physician, so Gary's not against all doctors.

He goes through a long complicated babble about a doctor some distant family members (on his Momma's side) depended on for prescriptions they didn't need because "they was usin' it for DOPE!" The doctor committed suicide because he was about to get caught and didn't want to go to jail.

"Am ah makin' sense this mornin'? Go t'Luke chapter 15 real quick-lahk.

Ah, yes, Luke - the physician!

 

[thoughtful]

Finishing up the 9/26 message, Gary reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A17-21&version=KJV

As usual, Gary reminds them that the story begins with the Prodigal Son being tired of following the rules and working hard, which is not anywhere in the KJV. According to Gary, he said "Gimme what belongs t'me, an' ah'm outta here."

But it all comes out OK, only because the father never stopped praying for his son. That's also not in the Bible.

Gary gets into how children need to be corrected just like the Bible says. More under spoiler for violent content:

Spoiler

"Ah thought about it th'other day. Ah got mah first grandchild - maybe ah'll be the one - the first one to give it a whuppin', amen. Ya say 'What's Mom an' Dad gonna say about that?' Ah really don't give a flip amen. We oughtta start correctin' children early in life. Amen."

He does his routine about kids staying up late to be in evening church, and how it won't hurt their schoolwork. He tells a story he hasn't told in a while, about the school principal issuing a challenge to do 2 years' work in one year to earn a trophy, and Gary did it and won the trophy. Now he adds that he did it despite being in church almost every evening.

Gary says his grandmother, when she was in her 50s, told his father, who was probably in his 30s (Gary has no idea what their actual age difference was) that he still wasn't too big to "go across her lap."

After more about bad children being the parents' fault, trusting God rather than doctors, and some petulance because they're not shouting in agreement every 2 seconds, Gary says "Lemme move ohn."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+1%3A1&version=KJV

Gary says we need to be surrendered to God. And he badgers them abut surrendering to God for a while. You either belong to the devil or God.

"Whenever Jesus started workin' ohn mah heart about bein' in full tahm evangelism you know what? Ah'm gonna tell you, ah'manna tellya raht now, ah was not  - too thrilled about it."

"We had a four-bedroom house, mah wife was workin', ah was workin', kids was doin' school. Had it made! But then God said "Ah don' wantchu t'do that no more. Ah wantchu to go into evangelism."

Or maybe:

Spoiler

Gary has repeated the word "surrender" so many times in this section of his message that I suspect he thinks it was in the verse he read, even though he did read the word "separated" correctly. Sure enough, he says "What did he surrender to? Let's see  what it says again." He looks at the Bible: "He surrend - separated unto the gospel of God. There ya go. Surrender."

After some more pouting about not being part-time children of God, Gary says "Let me move ohn. Hey. Ah never thought __________ "(garbled mumble) "an never thought preachin' a message where yer help's comin' from would be this bad. Go to first Peter."

He tells them 1 Peter 1:1, starts reading, then . . . "This is not whattah want."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+2%3A1-3&version=KJV

KJV: Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings,
BGV: Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all gahhl, and hypoCRITicy, and envy, and all evil speaking

Where do you go for your help when you need spiritual growth? Church. Gary keeps repeating the word "church," sounding rather froglike.

You need to grow in the Lord. "It might be a good idea to obese on Jesus Christ."

I didn't know it was a verb!

More guilt-mongering and petulance, then "You know what's wrong with our country today, in our religious re'm if ah kin use that? The Internet."

There's another potential for a Gary-related list - all of the things he's said after "You know what's wrong with our country today?"

He talks about a family that left Brother Henry's church because they went on the Internet and "got to listenin' to Steven Anderson and they got to listenin' to  no blow Joe an' they got to listenin' to no uh uh uh under underarm fungus an' got to listenin' to junk like that."

Spoiler

 

Other than "blowjob" and "Jim," the captions and I seem to agree.

WTF are you talking about, Gary?

Gary says he only says what's in the Bible, never his opinion. He gets into one of his rants about how they'll be glad when he's gone, he has to go to Pennsylvania and make another church mad, he'll preach the truth even if it harelips the devil and his  family and friends.

He gets in one more mockery of Jeannie. After bringing up the subject of "good fruit," he says, in the low voice he uses to mock self-important snooty people, that they "had to" stop at a house her parents used to own, and she got some apples, some of which were rotten, and she wants to plant them in her backyard. "Ah guess she wants rotten apples, ah don't know."

Someone laughs heartily at this, drowning out what sounds like Jeannie or another woman explaining why she wanted the apples. Gary interrupts her to say "Ah don't think yer gonna get no good fruit outta no bad apple, amen."

I guess Gary doesn't know how seeds work. I wonder if Jeannie had a sentimental urge to grow a tree from the seeds of a tree that grew by her childhood home. But there's no way Gary would understand that.

Blabbing on for a while, Gary makes sure they know that, if they're mad, they're not mad at him, they're mad at God, because "ah have not said anything this mornin' that is not from God's word."

After more obnoxious haranguing as only Gary can do it, he mumbles, "Awraht, Becky come to the piano. Let's all stan' w'our heads bowed an'our ahs closed."

Or maybe:

 

Spoiler

 

Edited October 8 by thoughtful
Joe Blow and armpit fungus put a riffle in.

[smittykins]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says his grandmother, when she was in her 50s, told his father, who was probably in his 30s (Gary has no idea what their actual age difference was) that he still wasn't too big to "go across her lap."

In one of his books(which I found in a box lot that my Mom won at an auction), John R. Rice told the story of a 20-year-old woman “sassing” her mother on her wedding day.  Mom promptly put her over her lap, gown and all.  “You may be old enough to get married, but you’re not old enough to talk to me like that.”

CW:  more violent “discipline”:

Spoiler

He also told of a day where one of his daughters was being especially stubborn, leading him to administer multiple spankings.  When she’d finally been beaten into submission, he noticed faint bruising on her backside.  He felt guilty for about half a second before remembering the verse “by His stripes we are healed.”

 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He goes on to remind them that Carpenter had "multiple of strokes," a heart attack, "the Covid" and "whatever other issues," and God healed him.

Gary, he died. I know you think all infirmities no longer exist in Heaven, but it's not exactly the same thing.

"You say 'Who healed him?' It wadn't the doctors, amen? It was God that healed him.

So when Jesus healed all those sick people and it was a miracle, it doesn't necessarily mean that they got better? Could just mean that they died?

[Jasmar]

Nowhere in my wildest dystopian dreams have I ever hoped, one day, to be the first to beat my new grandchild. 

[thoughtful]

The 9/27 video starts with the end of a very loud HAYMEN, then Gary joking around - I'll spare you, since there is nothing either offensive or funny about it.

He thanks Brother Jim's wife for doing some sewing, then tells the tale of a button:

"Mah wahf comes to me last naht, she says 'Do you want these clothes - pants to go with  your suit that you wear?' Ah said, 'Sure.' She said, 'Well, it's missin' this kahnd of a button,' you know, they make these funny, stupid kinda buttons, amen an' ah said, 'Well, how did it come off?' She said, 'Ah don't know - ah wadn't there; you was.'"

The captions suspect that the button came off in a more nefarious way:

Spoiler

 

Gary, I don't know what's so stupid about particular kinds of buttons. I do know that I've learned to stop blaming my clothes when I know I've gained back weight that I'd lost. If the button popped off from strain, such is life. I'm telling you, always save the larger clothes for a while.

Gary ends this little anecdote with "Thank God for a belt, amen!"

He announces Matthew chapter 16, and starts filling the page-turning time with Garycrap. He mumbles about having to get his vehicle worked on again, then loudly says: "An' how many of ya know what yer governor calls herself today? Y'all ready for this? She's God, you're her disciples."

Several people, including Becky, correct him: "Apostles."

Gary says "An' that's no hearsay, that's her-say. Ah watched the video."

So did I, Gary - she did not say she's God.

She pandered to her audience by saying the vaccine was the answer to the prayers they sent up to God, which annoys me because I want religion kept out of politics. And it was dumb of her to use the phrase "I want you to be my apostles" in trying to get the word out that the vaccine is a good thing. But she never claimed to be God, and that they are her apostles.

Gary goes on to reiterate that she said she is God, and that "Como" never said he was God, "but he pretty well said he was God, amen." Oh, and he goes right back to saying "disciples" instead of apostles.

Again, Gary tells them he "has the guts" to wear a Trump 2024 hat, and goes on about how Biden is not really the president, and "Harrison ain't no vahce president, 'cause she don't know how t'do nothin' - she don't even know what her job is."

Yeah, but I bet she knows what her name is.

Gary says his hat brought up an opportunity to witness to people. "And uh so uh ah use every opportunity ah can t'have a consoversy an' then - spread Jesus, amen? Jesus was consoversy if ya don't believe me all ya gotta do is read th'Bahble amen!"

Remember Matthew 16? Yeah, Gary announced it quite a while ago.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-17&version=KJV

Gary's trip from reading to title is actually succinct and logical - I may faint.

"Now, we're lookin' at the scriptures her an' Jesus is askin' 'em  'HEY! Who am ah?' Then they go t'tellin' Him the different ones but then He got personal. An' He said 'But whom do you say that ah am?"  An' Peter had the raht answer amen? He is the Chrast, amen? Whether you believe it or not, whether you accept it or not, He is the Christ. But with the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn, Who Do You Say He is? Who is Jesus to you?"

Maybe he's gotten this transition pared down (possibly with Becky's help), for the messages he's done many times. I mean, I know that we know that he only has a few themes, but he seems to think he has many specific, differing messages.

Some say Jesus was just a good man, some use him as their "genie bottle."

He picks up a bottle and says "Ah used it th'other night, ah'm not gonna - lemme make sure this bottle is all closed."

Becky and others laugh loudly.

The captions seem to be hoping for another spray:

Spoiler

He goes off on people who only pray  five minutes a day, sissies in the pulpits, and reaping to the flesh.

He almost gets sow and reap in the right order, but actually corrects himself to reverse them: "You don't realize that whenever you sowin' that, you also - ah mean, whenever you reapin' that, you also gonna sow it."

The captions say "sew it." I can understand why they are confused.

While ranting about Noah and Jesus, Gary tells the one about the guy on the roof during a flood, who refuses help over and over because he's waiting for God.  At first it seemed odd to me that he likes that story. But, I guess, for Gary, despite his treating belief as a magical ticket for Heaven, it does make sense that he likes it. He expects other humans to give him all of his needs because God is telling them to do so, after all.

Gary says God doesn't have a last name, and says "ah wish ah could get to holt of" some tracts he saw once, entitled "God's last name is not _______." He won't say "damn"  - he just holds up his hand.

"Am ah makin' sense tonaht?"

More later.

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

'Well, it's missin' this kahnd of a button,' you know, they make these funny, stupid kinda buttons, amen an' ah said, 'Well, how did it come off?'

I'm stuck on what kind of button Gary would consider to be stupid.  Two holes?  Four holes?  A button with a shank?  Buttons are pretty simple technology, Gary.  Maybe God caused that button to fly off just like He maybe causes Gary's vehicles to break down.  Even The Big Guy is tired of hearing Gary talk.

[thoughtful]

Continuing the 9/27 message, Gary coughs a little as he announces Psalm 23, and says "Mebbe ah'll git choked t'death. Mah wahf's th'only one that kin give me CPR amen."

Then he mumbles that most of them "wouldn't even put the fahr ut if ah was ohn fahr."

Finally, he reads only the first verse of the Psalm: The Lorrrrrrrrrrrrd is mah shepherd, ah shall not wohnt."

He follows it up with crap you've all heard many times.

"Sheep're dumb. Sheep're somma the dumbest animals there ever was, well all except for mah dog."

He tells them that God has to keep us in line, like the shepherd does with sheep, and, with no further details, tells them to "see what google says abut sheep." When they get home, of course, because "you shouldn't be playin' with yer phone in church." Then he turns his back, yells "HAYMEN," and murmurs "Good preachin' if ah am doin' it amen."

So, I googled sheep. After some general information, the first thing under "People also ask" was:

Spoiler

From here: https://www.lighthousefarmsanctuary.org/post/5-amazing-facts-about-sheep

Also, sheep do agility, freestyle obedience, and other trained behaviors.

After more abuse of the shepherd metaphor, Gary says the 66 books of the Bible are like the green grass are to cows and sheep.

He reads the rest of the psalm, with errors, of course.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+23&version=KJV

Then he jumps to Psalm 34:8 - O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

And he's back on the video of "y'all's god - notcher governor, yer god. We maht as well help her out an' let her be what she wants to be amen - ohn this sahd of eternity. But she was talkin' about God is love an' God wants us t'jus' jus' do raht an' bow down to the guv'mint. That what yer God wants."

He says "God is love" with scorn - that's some of that sissy preaching, I guess.

And he goes on to say that God is loving, but He chastens those He loves. Is it absolutely necessary that they let themselves be chastened by spreading and dying of Covid, Gary?

And he screams some of his usual riffs for a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+18%3A24&version=KJV

God is Gary's friend. A friend is someone who will invite you to church and badger you about Jesus, of course. Gary says he "mashes 1" when he gets sales calls (he calls them prank calls), and starts telling them about how Jesus died on the old rugged cross. And they hang up on him, because "they don't want that kinda friend."

And he's back on being pissy about the governor "whatever her name is 'cause she's gotta have some kinda name that her momma didn't lahk her. Looly or somethin' lahk that - God help her."

Her name is Kathy, Gary - hardly an unusual name. He says that "God help her" with disgust in his voice, then goes on to say that he has to befriend her, because she needs Jesus.

I think Kathy Hochul (rhymes with local) should take a pass on embracing your "friendship," Gary.

After a riff about Paul's wanting to be all things to all men does not mean to join them in their sins, he chides them for not responding as he wants.

He also accuses them of thinking that Brother Mike told him what to preach (as in, told him about someone's specific sins), but he says God told him what to preach. "Ah ain't even been around Brother Mike today - very much, amen."

Y'know, Gary, even after all this time of listening to you, I never wonder if you are aiming your message at one person - until you do that shit.

Even knowing what a petulant, grudge-holding baby you are, I don't think of it - until you do that shit.

Even when you drop all kinds of hints and say things that have no context or relate to the rest of your message, it never occurs to me to think "ah, I bet this is aimed at ___________ "- until you do that shit.

He drops his voice to his "mocking snooty people" sound, and flaps his wrists while saying "'Ah want one them preachers that says how good ah am.' Well, we'll gitchu one."

Spoiler

"Is ever'body alraht? Ah'm beginnin' t'wonder 'bout some of ya?" And he makes some of his "jokes" about how glad they'll be when he's gone, and how they should sign the petition "she's got" (Jeannie? Governor Hochul?  ) saying that Gary Hawkins is not allowed back in New York.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+6%3A48&version=KJV

God is the Rock. Gary babbles about helping his father-in-law break up some rocks with a jackhammer, and hurricanes at the beach (he corrects himself and says ocean), and how he's never been knocked off the rock since JUlah the 11th, 1999.

Gary talks about the person who sent him a text - no, it was a call - no, it was a text - anyway, some message he got last year when he was there, telling him that he was too mean and wouldn't save anyone. He gloats about the people who he's seen saved since then.

Gary wants to show the calls and texts to God when he gets to Heaven, and say, "awraht, Lord, show me who this person - this coward was. Show me who it was who was behahnd that phone, who was behahnd that Facebook page, who was behahnd that - cowards, amen? You say 'What's that got to do with what yer preachin'?' Got a lot to do with it amen."

Great - Gary wants God to help him stalk people in Heaven. Sounds like he has a new pleasure on his list, to go with the fried catfish and chicken, Chinese food, mansion, robe, street (singular!) of gold, and pouting in the corner with John the Baptist.

He tries to get back to staying on "the big rock," but launches into another story: "They wanna tell me 'bout how ah'm lohst, ah'm on mah way t'Hell ah was in ah was in a church here 'bout three weeks ago in Pennsylvania an' th'gah came up to me an' told me that God was going to shut - me - down, God was going to kick me out of the ministry."

He stares at the camera for a few seconds, and wipes his nose with his fingers, then goes into a weird rant that I think is his way of saying that, every time he gets confronted, someone else calls and wants him to come preach right away.

Sometimes I wonder why location is so important to Gary. I mean sometimes he wants to pat himself on the back for tolerating "Indians," or compare something about the North and the South. But mostly where he was is totally meaningless to the story.

Gary repeats that Jesus is his rock, and:

Spoiler

How does one get plugged into a rock in the first place?

More rock, rock, rock.

"John chapter 14 - 's'ever'body awraht?"

Edited October 10 by thoughtful
riffles, clarity

[FiveAcres]

Gary has finally said something I agree with. Translated: most of you wouldn't put out the fire if I was on fire. 

[thoughtful]

Continuing 9/27, Gary announces John 14:6.

KJV: Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
BGV: Thus saith - Jesus said unto them, I am the way, the truth, and the lie: no man comes t'me but the Father.

Gary screams about Jesus being alive and how it's OK to get loud in church.

Gary says that, when he meets his grandchild, he wants to "take her up and preach whahl ah got her in mah hands, 'cause ah wanna teach her that Jesus is alahve, amen?"

And he screams on. Becky, please don't let him do that (if he's serious - I have trouble imagining Gary ever holding a baby, and that's as it should be).

He imitates imaginary depressed people who don't know who God is, with no guidance, because "mah preacher don't never say nothin' over a whisper."

Spoiler

He screams about Buddha and Allah burning in Hell, and God not poppin' pills.

"Ya remember how ya act when ya listen t'that jazzzz music? Huh?"

I'm sure Gary is picturing something like this:

Spoiler

 

Whatever he's picturing, it distracts him so he never makes his point - just does his bit about KLove being a rock station, and Country music being evil because songs will mention committing adultery, drinking beer, and then God.

"Ah wantcha t'show me that scripture in the King James Bible."

Well, it would be easier to find those things than the trucks that always seem to be in country songs.

He accuses them of being mad at him again, mumbles something about their threatening not to come back, and asks if everybody is alright.

Philippians 4:14 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

God is Gary's strength. He screams about how he isn't feeling up to preaching, reassures them he doesn't have corona, and how he needs God's strength to keep going because he's preached every night for two weeks.

At one point in a long harangue about needing strength because of other people, he says it's not the World you have to watch out for, it's church people, and does one of his gossipy hints: "See, 'zat the Bahble school an' if you don't know the story, just leave it alone, shut up an' don' ask questions amen. But, since Bahble school, this church has been called a cult."

Gary says he's been coming there for eight years, and "Mike's not a cult. Mike don't teach cult things."

The captions seem to think Gary's complaining about the New York weather again:

Gary says there are cults in town, and he's praying for them to go under. "If you ain't goin' to a Bahble-believin' church," you're in a cult. And you can tell your preacher he said that, and "give him mah phone number."

"Is ever'body awraht?" He mumbles that it'll probably just be him and his wife the next night, and she might not even show up.

BTW, he's been getting lots of positive responses - it's not like everyone is sitting there in stony silence.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A12&version=KJV

Jesus is the record-keeper. And Gary goes on about how God knows all of their sins. He acts out God giving someone the book (Lamb's book of life, I assume), to see if their name is in it. Gary, as God, is snippy and sarcastic, of course.

He tells some old stories (Sofia asking herself for permission to have cookies for breakfast, his formerly drunk uncle who became a deacon, but gossiped about a preacher and now his children "will probably split Hell wahd open").

Gary talks about Christian's children "smokin' dope" and sleeping with anyone, "catchin' whatever diseases they can get aholt to of. Wha? Because mom and dad couldn't keep their mouth shut."

That's right, folks - talk ill of your pastor, and your children will smoke dope and catch sex diseases - Gary seems sure there is a direct link. I mean, just look at the certainty in that face:

Spoiler

"Did ya ever think about yer children goin' t'Hell? See ah have a statement that ah make ah rather see mah children cast - by dream or imagination cast in the lake of fahr t'git a burden for it before it's a reality."

I'm not sure if Gary means he'd rather imagine his children burning in Hell to inspire him to Godbother them, or that he wants them to imagine themselves in Hell. Either way, it's gruesome.

But then, I don't believe there is a Hell, so I think it's having violent horrifying thoughts for no reason.

BTW, the captions think he's imagining them "cast in the liquor fire."

Also gruesome.

"Ah'm not gonna say her name but ah had one t'message Becky today." He fumbles through a story that seems to be about a woman who may have an opportunity to get a job with "one the top dog companies - makin' big bucks." I think she wanted Becky to pray for her.

Gary's not sure how important money is. And he does his usual money routine - it all belongs to God.

John 4:14 - And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.

Jesus is the savior, whether you accept Him or not. As soon as Gary says "He said 'whosoever,' I know BLM will come up, and sure enough . . .

"Brother Mike wants to make it real publicly that this comin' Sunday they're havin' a B-L-M service."

He swaggers and looks pissy, and mumbles something very fast and quiet, while Becky (I assume, from proximity to the microphone and the fact that Gary is close to the end) unzips and zips her bag. It sounds like he starts with his "Some of y'all'll figure that out," but I'm not sure, and there's more after that. The captions just go blank.

I think it was just another attempt at a joke, but it makes me wonder if Gary ever went and got that man who asked him if he was going to church, and dragged him there, as he so bravely said he would.

"These are some things that ah wrote down today that Jesus is to me."

No, Gary - these are some even-staler-than-usual things that you've said many times. The only reason you'd have to write them down today is if you lost whichever steno book you first wrote them down in.

Which is a distinct possibility, so you may not be lying.

"Who is he to you? He's the one who gives you breath."

Or, perhaps:

Spoiler

https://www.facebook.com/Keith-Bakery-112094748845129/

OK, so it's the town of Keith, not a person named Keith, but it was the only one I could find.

Gary is getting quieter and quieter, speaking in generalities about how Jesus is his everything, and I can see that the video is almost at the end, then:

"He even hooked me up with a good mechanic!"

And Gary goes on about the mechanic that Jesus found for him. He also says that Jeannie said "that was not her van, it was God's van."

So now I don't know if Gary is talking about repairs to his van, or the Stouts', or both, but it sounds like people gave God's van(s) lots of money again: "It was a pretty good expense, and God put in - ah don't know if He put in all of it, but God brought in other people - see? That's what it's all about - other people helping others."

"Becky come t'the piana."

Edited October 10 by thoughtful
riffles, getting rid of extra spoiler

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And he makes some of his "jokes" about how glad they'll be when he's gone, and how they should sign the petition "she's got" (Jeannie? Governor Hochul?  ) saying that Gary Hawkins is not allowed back in New York.

At this point I'd be willing to believe that Jeannie is fed up enough to be.. if not actually running a petition to at least be quietly discussing with influential people how much she could live with never seeing Gary again.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

At this point I'd be willing to believe that Jeannie is fed up enough to be.. if not actually running a petition to at least be quietly discussing with influential people how much she could live with never seeing Gary again.

Me, too. Except that there is always that thing where so many of them just tease and pick at one another.  Jeannie may be giving as good as she gets, and may be fine with it.

I keep thinking Gary may be breaking an unspoken rule - I don't often hear the men mocking someone else's wife (unless she is also part of his family), only their own. So that may create tension.

Jeannie and Becky are close. Becky adores Gary, so I don't know where she stands if Jeannie and Gary actually do dislike one another.

Mike often posts jabs on Gary's Facebook page, so he's definitely part of the teasing loop.

For all that their lifestyles are so disgustingly patriarchal, the "hahaha - the opposite sex is so weird" crap seems to go both ways.

So there are lots of possibilities of what the "rules" are, and whether there is one person (or two, three or all four!) actually seething under the teasing is hard to say.

My guess is that the teasing always has real resentment under it, but then, I hate teasing, so I'm not an unbiased observer.

[Xan]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says that, when he meets his grandchild, he wants to "take her up and preach whahl ah got her in mah hands, 'cause ah wanna teach her that Jesus is alahve, amen?"

And he screams on. Becky, please don't let him do that (if he's serious - I have trouble imagining Gary ever holding a baby, and that's as it should be).

It would be better if Gary doesn't see that new grandchild any time soon.  If he's already picturing beating it and screaming at it, he doesn't need to be anywhere near it.  I only hope that his sullen looking son-in-law is standing close by and is ready to punch Gary in the face if he tries any of this crap.

The whining about having to do so much preaching lately is annoying.  It's not as if he's working 8 hour days.  He stands up and yells and free associates for about an hour a day.  I guess it's been so long since he did real work that he can't remember what real work entails.

[postscript]

35 minutes ago, Xan said:

It would be better if Gary doesn't see that new grandchild any time soon.  If he's already picturing beating it and screaming at it, he doesn't need to be anywhere near it.  I only hope that his sullen looking son-in-law is standing close by and is ready to punch Gary in the face if he tries any of this crap.

The whining about having to do so much preaching lately is annoying.  It's not as if he's working 8 hour days.  He stands up and yells and free associates for about an hour a day.  I guess it's been so long since he did real work that he can't remember what real work entails.

Agree on both points. The image of Gary holding a tiny baby and chastising it in some way is horrifying. Unfortunately, it’s also easy to picture him doing just that, ignoring protests from any bystanders. He seems to see the grandchild as a prop, much in the same way he ignores Rascal unless needed for a message about how much he hates animals. 

As far as the complaints about being so busy - first of all, he’s in control of his own schedule. If he wants some time off, he should just not schedule for a week. Second, he’s nowhere near as busy as the “pastures” in some of the churches they visit. Those pastors have to be available at any time for their congregation’s spiritual needs, plus many of them hold other jobs because these tiny churches can’t pay a living wage. Gary not only doesn’t hold a regular job, but he can also travel from one place to another using the same message while expecting to be fed, housed and provided with free vehicle service. 

[thoughtful]

40 minutes ago, Xan said:

It would be better if Gary doesn't see that new grandchild any time soon.

Agreed - if asked, I'd vote for "never." But then, I think Gary is toxic to all living things, regardless of age.

 

[Jasmar]

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

his formerly drunk uncle who became a deacon, but gossiped about a preacher and now his children "will probably split Hell wahd open"

See, that sounds like a positive thing: split hell wide open and free all the notGarys.

[thoughtful]

On September 28, still at Heritage in Groton, Becky sings Preach On, then Gary does his usual follow-up to it - America and churches need more preaching.

"God ain't in th'entertainin' businesss. Ya say 'What kinda bidness is He in?' The savin' bidnesss."

He tells them about his upcoming gig (why Gary thinks the church he is in needs to know his itinerary is another mystery - just part of the general self-importance, I guess). He says he's going to preach all three Sunday services, plus three evenings after that. He looks very concerned about being overtired and not having enough material.

Spoiler

Just kidding! He's a pig in shit, the cat that ate the canary, etc.

He babbles about the soul-winning they did that day, and a lady who Gary thinks was saved, based on the way she answered him when he asked if she knew where she'd go if the trumpet sounded that night.

Another lady said "man ah love that place an' them people," (meaning the church, I assume), and Gary said he thought "If ya loved 'em, ya'd be there amen and uh if you loved God more ya'd definitely be there amen, and uh so, y'know, an' then there was another lady who asked where the church was an' ah unnerstand all that ah know what that stuff means."

Since Gary encountered "the black gah" when he was walking distance from the church, I wonder if Groton's teeny non-white population mostly lives near the church, and that's what Gary thinks this woman meant (which could be true).

Gary says the good news or bad news, however they want to look at it, is that Brother Mike has already booked him for next year. And he bullshits about them worrying about it, and whether the governor's going to let him in next year.

He announces Matthew 1, then says he was "studyin' earlier," and came up with another message that he may or may not preach later, and bloviates about how a preacher or Sunday school teacher has to get convicted about a message before the listeners, "Ya say wha? Because he's studyin' that lesson to them."

Then Gary makes a startling revelation. Hold on to your hats!

Spoiler

"This is a kind of an old message - ah wrote down some newer things uh, ah'm not sure you can even preach anything new today, after the, after where we at, but we can - just trah t' - they said Brother Lackey had uh 'bout two messages an' he just switched 'em around differen' ways preachin' 'em every which way he went, Amen?"

And he goes back to bloviating about how the Lord has already worked on his heart when he studied, and needing to act when the Lord works on your heart. He tells that story about D L. Moody stopping in the middle of the road to pray because he had a "bad thought." 

And you have to use your altars because that's where "ya git ridda ya things."

Finally, he reads from the Bible:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+1%3A18-30&version=KJV

He does OK, for Gary, but keeps getting "he" and "she" mixed up. A rather ironic error, for Gary.

Gary does his usual bit about how he'd feel if he was engaged to a woman who became pregnant, and all of the gossip "in the Christian re'm." Gary refers to Mary as Joseph's "spouse-to-be wife" - I guess he doesn't know the words fiancee or betrothed. He wants to talk on "Bein' the Talk of the Town."

Or maybe bein'

Spoiler

At least he admitted this is an old message.

He says everyone in Jerusalem was talking about it. I doubt it Gary - they lived in Nazareth.

And there are "people talkin' about us." He bounces wildly around some sentence fragments, throwing in that "our churches is jus' lahk our politician world. You either listen to the NBC news, or ya fahnd some news that tells the truth."

He tells them that, if they hear anyone saying bad things about Mike, they should tell them he's their "pasture," and "ya better shut yer mouth about 'im, amen."

He screams his auto-pilot bit about Job's frenemies (he says Jesus instead of Job, but corrects himself).

He says something about the van Brother Mike uses to pick up bus kids, and, while trying to remember its nickname, asks if they call it the Green Beast. But I think the captions know about a devil Gary doesn't suspect:

Spoiler

Beansie, is that you?

Gary says that, most of the time, when people talk, they are lying.

Speak for yourself, Gary.

He digresses into talking about some lady who didn't answer her door when they were door-knocking, then came out when he'd gone past, to yell at him to never come on her property again. He says if he does, it would only be by accident, because he doesn't have Groton memorized. This leads to a further rabbit trail about Becky knowing her way around, and Gary being bad at learning directions, but not as bad as Brother Mike.

1 Samuel 17:29 - And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?

"Let 'em talk, because you know there's a cause for lost souls t'git saved."

He babbles and rambles in fragments about Groton being wicked, David and Goliath, continuously inviting people to church, and then veers into ranting about someone Becky is supposed to be working on:

"Ah told Becky every day, she needs to invite Heather. She may not come, an' she may git sick of it, an' she may git so sick of that she quits sellin' Tupperware ah'm gonna tellya somethin' ah'd rather her quit sellin' Tupperware an' realahze what she really needs, an' that's Jesus, amen? Tupperware is a good thing to make money an' it's a good thing to have - if you lahk goin' round an' round an' round an' round in circles tryin' t'make it stay closed. But she needs to worry about Heather Lord - about bein' saved than Tupperware."

He prefaces something he's about to say with his crap about how he's repeating himself, but he might as well because they don't listen anyway - and then forgets what he was going to say.

Anyway, there's a cause. "Go to Matthew chapter five."

Nope - he walks away from the Bible, and goes on about how people will get sick and tired of you going on and on about Jesus, but better now than in Hell. And he tells them about Jack Woods and his wife, who kept unsaved people on their prayer list (to get saved, I assume) for 2-3 years, then dropped the names off of the list. Gary's not going to say he agrees with that, but he does understand the concept, because it gets tiring listening to people say they might come, or maybe someday, or that they are Catholic.

"Ah heard that t'day - 'Ah'm a Catholic.' Well ah'm gonna tellya, ah'm a Baptist, but what's gittin' me to Heaven is Jesus. Amen? Because them people bein' Catholic you know what they're believin' in? Ya know what they're tryin' t'git their way to Heaven in? They're drinkin' a little bitta wahn, heh - they're gittin' drunk, amen! An' they eat a little bitta wafer cookie an' say 'Hey! Ah'm drinkin' this wahn an' ah'm eatin' this wafer cookie so ah kin go to Heaven."

After reminding them that some Baptists are just as bad, he finally gets to Matthew 5.

And I shall get to them both later.

Edited October 11 by thoughtful
missing word

[FusterCluck]

On 10/7/2021 at 1:41 PM, thoughtful said:

Becky is flogging the bra MLM again. They have some nerve (I know, I know - it's an MLM, it's what they do) using breast cancer awareness to sell overpriced bras.

This is one of the many reasons I loathe MLMs. I had some prey on me when I announced my breast cancer diagnosis and it still makes me angry that they use something so painful and traumatic in peoples’ lives to sell their shitty products. I probably have PTSD from that time, but can’t afford the therapist.  

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He imitates imaginary depressed people who don't know who God is, with no guidance, because "mah preacher don't never say nothin' over a whisper."

 

Is this a widespread problem, Gary?  If there are people who regularly go to a church where they are unable to learn anything because the preacher speaks so quietly, they have probably have problems that go beyond depression. You're hearing impaired and can't get hearing aids? You can't sit closer to the speaker?  You're illiterate and can't read about God in that book they have either? No one dares to tell the preacher to speak up? The preacher is illiterate and  can't explain God in writing if he can't speak up? The preacher lost his voice and is too stupid to be aware of the problem? He's  too stubborn to step away from the preaching duty even though he is aware? Nobody in the congregation knows how microphones work? Everyone is deaf and nobody can translate the preacher's speech into audible English? You speak sign language and they don't interpret it here? There's no other room that you can go to where they have better acoustics or better sound equipment? Nobody else in your church can preach except the Church Whisperer? Nobody but the preacher is willing to talk to you and explain  about God?

If, week after week, year after year, you keep on going to a church where you can't learn a damn thing because you can't hear a damn thing and you never realize that it's a waste of time, and nobody does anything to solve the problem, it's not depression, it's that you're all stupid as heck. There is any number of useful things that you could have done with your time instead of sitting in church listening to something that you can't hear.

Gary loves to make up completely imaginary strawman scenarios and rant against them. Everyone can agree that it's terrible if  people are depressed because their Jesus whisperer  is inaudible but how many effing churches are there where this is a real problem.

 

Edited October 12 by AmazonGrace

[thoughtful]

Continuing  the 9/28 message, Gary stumbles through:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+5%3A43-48&version=KJV

"Not only do you need to see that there's a caussse, ya also needta let 'em talk about ya, and when they are talkin' about ya, some way or other they figure out that yer prayin' for 'em. Your critics? Amen?"

Gary goes into one of his usual automatic routines, shouting about being an example to the unsaved in all you do, and takes a sudden swerve.

"When you do whatever it is you do, at the church house or out an' about, amen,  whenever yer playin' the chess - God help me, amen they said that nobody was too old t'learn that stuff - ah don't know. Ah might know how - ah might know how to do a tenth of it bah th'time the Lord comes if mah boy trahs t'teach me real good an' ah have tahm, amen. But, whatever ya do, do it for the glory of God."

After the initial at the idea of trying to teach Gary to play chess, I did have some positive thoughts. Jacob is showing an interest in something outside of evangelism and slaving for his parents. Gary is trying to learn something new, letting Jacob be the expert and teach him, and not just dismissing chess as one of those high-dollar-college liberal things - three things that are a nice surprise to me.

I have  a hard time imagining it lasting very long, but maybe Gary will develop some patience, and feed his mind something other than the Bible.

OK, back to snarking - Gary, you used the Second Coming to mean something is going to take a very, very long time. Oops! Doesn't that contradict your whole raison d'être, your driving force, your main spiel? Y'know, that thing about all of us needing to get saved right now, because it could be any second?

Gary says it's hard to pray for the people you don't "really care much about."

The captions say:

Spoiler

 

I guess the captions find it easy to pray for the dentist.

If you're saved, you have to love everyone. "Ah heard somebody the other day that claims t'be saved, an' he said 'Ah hate so-and-so.' He may be saved, but he's not a Christian, amen?"

You don't have to like people, but you have to love them and pray for them. I guess the key, in Gary's mind, is that you don't use the word "hate," and you do pray for them. I think he's decided that means you love them, and are free to talk shit about them otherwise. Self-serving and convenient, just like all of the fundie rules.

He tells them he hates the "biggest gossip center there ever was," Facebook. Of course, he only uses it because he's "got people" who need Jesus, and he's willing to use Facebook for Jesus.

He tries to be clever: "If we take more tahm away from Facebook and have more tahm in God's book, in God's face, we might see revahval, amen?"

"Have you watched Facebook any whatsoever here's what happened. They're not gonna come t'your face an' say 'Hey! Here's the way mah lahf is, it's goin' like this an' here's what somebody done t'me but bless God they'll put it on Facebook for everybody t'see . . . not realizin' that."

Spoiler

Gary, starting the word "everybody." Looks like the beginning of a massive sneeze, doesn't it?

That's another insightful surprise from Gary - he does seem aware of the weirdness of people saying things on the Internet without thinking through the fact that they've potentially told the whole world. Of course, he doesn't connect it to his own behavior, probably because he thinks everything he says and does online is just fine.

It wouldn't occur to him, I guess, that his racism, talking about beating his kids, and  general nastiness are bad things. As long as he doesn't talk about the divorces, custody issues and that pesky sexual contact with a minor in his history, and doesn't "cuss" or wear shorts on Facebook, and doesn't name names when he gossips, he probably thinks he's a shining example on Facebook.

He does some of his nobody-likes-me crap, saying it's hard to pray for him, and there are people who pray for him, but he implies they're praying for bad things.

"These people that call me an' text me an' put on Facebook of how bad ah am an' how that ah can't never show anything that ah say ohn the Facebook Biblical, and ah can, amen! Ah gotta pray for those people."

In case that wasn't clear - he's saying he has to pray for the people on Facebook who argue with him and point out that he's not holding himself to the standard he sets for others, of having Biblical backing for all claims.

He starts screaming about how it's not the drunks and the dopeheads who are the problem, but the people of the church, and adds, "Y'know what we've got in our Baptist churches today, bless God? Brother Mike was fell down over there the other day, an' if  it'd been an average Baptist church, if it'd been enough  preachers here, they'd've prob'ly been over there kickin' him down an' holdin' him down y'say wha? Because they don't lahk other things that people do, an' it ain't like them an' so bless God if ya don't do what they do then you're wrong!"

After some of his usual screaming, including listing the tortures Jesus went through, and how Gary's never been beaten with a cat o'nine tails, he adds, "Ah think mah momma beat me pretty good." But he claims he deserves everything he got.

After lots of yelling about not quitting, Gary says Becky wonders why he keeps scheduling meetings. I don't know if that's bullshit he's making up, or it's true. But he says she can blame him or blame God, whichever she wants.

I know who I blame!

Gary says you should make sure there's a church wherever you go on vacation. He loves Gatlinburg, and goes to Freedom Baptist Church - "Dolly Parton's cousin - a good Baptist preacher."

While he's telling them that they have to keep going, even if nobody shows up, we find out that only two ladies came to Becky's breakfast prayer meeting.

More later.

I'm going to go think about Jacob leaning across a chess board and calmly saying "Checkmate" to Gary.
 

Edited October 17 by thoughtful
riffles

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Is this a widespread problem, Gary?  If there are people who regularly go to a church where they are unable to learn anything because the preacher speaks so quietly, they have probably have problems that go beyond depression

No, you don't understand, @AmazonGrace! The problem is not that they can't hear their preacher at all, the problem is that their preacher doesn't yell and shriek and laugh and jump around with joy when he (or God forbid, she!) preaches.

I'm only partly kidding - I know this is, in fact, what Gary meant. He wasn't talking about literally inaudible preaching - he was talking about quiet, dignified preaching, which he doesn't think moves the spirit, and is only for liberals who went to high-dollar colleges.

[thoughtful]

Continuing  the 9/28 message, Gary does an error-studded reading of:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+5%3A8-9&version=KJV

Being the talk of the town, you need to know where you're headed. That would be Heaven, of course, and he yells about it for a while.

He shleps up old stuff - the comparison between the one flight he took and the quick trip to Heaven, Mrs. McFadden's death "the other day," the street of gold and mansion, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

Gary knows who he's serving. He screams and mumbles about the life of Jesus, He says, "I must needs go to Samaria," then "then ya have some appointments." The captions interpreted the latter as:

Spoiler

"Thank God, praise the Lord, ah got Miss Stout an appointment t'go to. Amen? Ya say wha? If she's saved, she needs t'go to church. Amen?

"Miss Stout" is Jeannie, unless he's talking about some other member of Mike's family. I have no idea what Gary is saying here, but my first guess is that the "she" who needs to come to church is someone else, and Gary made an "appointment" for Jeannie to go godbother whoever it is.

But that's a guess. Gary's brain has eluded my abilities this time.

Must be the chess. He's turning into a super-genius from a science fiction story, and I just can't keep up. Yeah, that must be it.

"Ah know who ah serve."

Or:

Spoiler

 

Then he babbles about Jesus and Peter arguing over who was going to wash who's feet.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+2%3A9&version=KJV

"Yer gonna be talked about, ya might as well be strange."

His mind wanders from being different (so people know you're Christian) to sports being a god, to the baseball game he went to in Altoona, to people not wanting to stand for the anthem, then back to being different for Jesus.

"I wanna be so strange that listen hey - people can say, 'There's somethin' dif -' Just like when that black man said somethin' to me the other day when ah was comin' over here to the church, walkin' from Miss Jeannie's house an' Brother Mike's house comin' over here, he said 'Yer goin' t' the church house, ain'tcha?' Now ah don't know when ah open mah mouth, 'specially in Yankee land when ah open mah mouth 'mediately they say 'Yer not from around here.' Then that gives me an opportunity to witness to 'em amen?"

Gary, when someone passes you on the street, and purposely avoids eye contact, you probably interpret it as an opportunity to witness.

After some more blather about how to annoy people 24/7/365 about Jesus, Gary says "Call us cults. Call us whatever you wanna call us. See the reason they have to call you that stuff is, is that that's what they've been taught to say, an' that's what they been instilled t'believe."

No Gary, that's not why.

"We're a cult because we believe and teach the truth, amen!"

You're getting closer, Gary - claiming to have the only truth is one of the hallmarks of a cult. It's probably a good thing that the IFB/KJV crowd doesn't have a single charismatic leader - other than that, it's pretty cult-like.

Gary flips through his Bible and says, "Ah forgot one ah'll go back to it real quick-lahk then we'll be done go to second Timothy chapter three. Ya got more water, Becky?"

A water bottle flies through the air, and Gary catches it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+3%3A14-17&version=KJV

KJV: But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;
BGV: But continue thou in the things which thou hath learned. And have been and been assured of knowing of whom thou hath learned them;

KJV: And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
BGV: And that from a child thou hath known the holy scriptures, which were - which are able to make the wise unto salvation through faith which is in Jesus Christ -  which is in Christ Jesus.

KJV: All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine
BGV: All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctoring

KJV: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.
BGV: That a man of God may be perfect throughly furnished unto all - good - works.

"They wanna call us a cult because we got the right doctrine."

Gary says you should "be learnable," then says that's a hillbilly word.

No, that's a Gary-brain word.

Anyway, he says we should have an open mind when we read the Bible, and be willing to learn new things, just like him.

He tells a yarn about a man who claimed he wasn't getting anything from his preacher until he went off to the Army. When he came back, he started praying for the preacher, and that made all the difference.

The video cuts off as Gary is imitating a stubborn person who plops himself down in church yelling "Bless God ah'm gonna come in an' ah'm gonna seddown an' bless God, feed me if ya can." He swaggers over in front of the piano for this dramatic role.

Spoiler

 

 

[Jasmar]

If the KJB is the perfect, complete, unchanging, wholly static Word of God, and you already believe it, what’s there to be open minded about?

[thoughtful]

There is nothing on Gary's Facebook but videos, and nothing new on Becky's - the bra MLM post is still the most recent. So no new opinions or Facebook rants from G, and nothing about meeting the baby from B. Just as well.

The 9/29 video from Heritage in Groton starts with Gary already in mid-sentence, saying, " . . . ah had no idea what ah was gonna preach ohn until this morning or whatever, but uh. Give us somethin' t'think about amen? See, that's what we gotta do, we've got t'get t'where we trah t'get people t'think. Now, ah know we're livin' in a day an' hour whurr you think - ah mean, you see these posts, an' you - ha - ah need t'start savin' 'em because you can definitely take somma these posts an' use 'em in a spir'tual re'm. But they tell ya what t'do an' they zoom down an' git in your brain an' they -  an' you listen to what they say. But uh, we need t'listen t'what God says amen? First Corinthians, chapter three, if y'can yer willin' an' able stan' for th'readin'uh th'worda God."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+3%3A1-23&version=KJV

KJV: For while one saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?
Bro Gary Version: For while ah - for while one said, I am appalled an' ah am a - am I a Paul; an' - an' am - am I of apostles are - an' are ye not carnal?

KJV: For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.
BGV: For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with Man for it is written, He that taketh the wise in their own craftness.

One of the words in this reading is "masterbuilder." And darn it, Gary reads it perfectly.

"Now we're talkin' about the church, amen? The church is bein' very neglected an' maybe we need to put, bein' we got two Facebooks goin' an'  Youtube goin' maybe we need t'let 'em know that today is National Quit Watchin' uh uh Church on Facebook an' Start Comin' t'Church, amen just like y'go t'work an' y'go t'Walmarts an' y'go to th'playgrounds amen! That's what today is today is. Na - today is National Church - Quit Watchin' Church Lah - on Lahve Facebook amen."

"But the church! What about the church? It's bein' very neglected today we're seein' an' the Bahble did say that these days would come that we would be in tahms that the church would be neglected amen and you'll see that we're there in these days an' ah was thinking upstairs an' ponderin' an' prayin' an' seekin' what the Lord would have me t'say ah got t'thinking about - an individual in church."

"An' mah thought came to me, an' here's the title of the message: What Kind of Church Would Your Church Be If Every Member Was Just Like You? What Kind of Church Would Your Church Be If Every Member Was Just Like You?"

For Gary, that was a pretty direct path, especially for a new message - well, a new title; I figure the message will be boilerplate with a few frills, as usual.

Gary says that, if you're faithful and doing what you should, you could have a pretty good church. But if not, "you could have a - a worthless church. Amen? Does that make sense?"

Or:

Spoiler

Gary indulges in some faux-modesty about wondering what kind of church would have all members like him, and how Becky thanks God that they threw away the mold after his momma and daddy had him.

Gary takes a quick detour to remind them that women don't preach, it's in the King James Bible and if you don't like it take it up with God. Then he asks them to imagine how Jeannie has to think before she teaches the kids, and Mike and himself, before they preach, "would you like to get up and preach to people . . . just - like - you?"

He rants about people who only come to church for services, and don't volunteer, sarcastically thanking them for holding pews down, imitating them, as he did the night before, by plopping down in front of the piano.

Then he gets snippy about people who come to church "an' you couldn't get 'em t'smile if it meant - their - life. We looked at a video last naht, ah'm not gonna say much about because, y'know, you got to be very careful whatchu listen to an' what you promotin' this day an' hour we're livin' in, amen ah like it! Ah love it! Amen! But Jacob let Brother Mike listen to it wha missed out an' mah wahf was goin' t'town an' ah lit'rilly watched him setting in that wheelchair, there was a few tahms that ah lit'rilly said  'Lord ah don't know what ah will do when Mike's laughing so hard that he just flips outta that wheelchair an' ah gotta be th'one t'trah t'git 'im up an' ah'm not sure that's gonna happen."

"An' then Miss Jeannie come in and uh we got t'talkin' 'bout it or whatever an' so we let Miss Jeannie look at it an' now ah wanna say somethin' - it's hard t'figure her out, other than when she gets mad, an' that - you ain't gotta figure nothin' out, then you know, you know listen hey you know th'go t'that -  rooftop! AMEN!"

Becky is laughing throughout this description of Jeannie's anger.

"But she listened t'that  same video an' had a different reaction. It mighta been funny to her in some part of the way, but listen hey, far as her expressions it never changed  . . . but that's what you have in two different personalities, amen?"

"It's not sayin' that there was anything wrong with the video, 'cause it's really not, if you really knew about the video or whatever, no, ah ain't. If you wanna know after church you kin ask me ah won't have a problem with it, but if you git offended an' go tell people that ah go aroun' uh promotin' this junk, listen hey ah wouldn't have a bitta problem takin' mah money that ah don't got an' wastin' mah gas money an' comin' back an confrontin' you with it. HAYMUH!"

Gary's right arm makes great big circles, over and over, during that last paragraph.

He mumbles something about "consoversy."

"But what kind of church would you have, if every member that come to your church was just like you?"

Well, for one thing, I'd have a church in which the preacher doesn't waste time telling meaningless non-stories that make no point, but manage to be disgustingly ableist and imply that a woman is a stick-in-the-mud with no sense of humor, gets belligerent and defensive about imaginary disapproval for his sense of humor, and completely forgets that he seemed to be about to make a point about cheerfulness.

Gary veers into talking about the pandemic, and how the governor of Virginia closed churches, then woke up one day with his head screwed on right, then went back to being stupid again. By the end, he's screaming about how even the people the preacher thought were faithful didn't show up, and said they'd "never! Be back! In church again!"

He babbles about someone who would ordinarily have been there on a Wednesday night, but he's gone to Florida, and how he should have gone with him, he'd be happy, and they should look in Proverbs 15 real quick-like.

I'll do it real slow-like - in fact, I'll do it later.

Edited October 13 by thoughtful
added link to explain the rooftop crap

[Jasmar]

I’m not sure if it’s just me today (lots of stress around here, so I’m having a harder time tracking), or if it’s Gary, but that whole middle section about Mike and Jeannie and anger and a video? Didn’t make a lick of sense to me.