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Bro Gary Hawkins 19: God Even Uses the Perforated People


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Continuing 10/26, under the tent at New Life Community Chapel in Loris SC, Gary re-reads verse 3 of his previous reading:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+25%3A1-13&version=KJV

"You know what, here's some people, here's some people that showed up for the supper, for the dinner tahm, but it was gonna get dark, an' they didn't have no awl in their lamps, an' all of a sudden they didn't - they didn't think about when they woke up outta th'bed, they're gittin' ready t'go to this pl- hey! when yer goin' somewhere, ya better prepahhhhr . . . for th'worse."

He goes into a long detour about Becky taking Tupperware and the Instapot when they travel, and Ernie telling him that he wasn't ready for his trip two hours before he was supposed to leave, and loops back to the biblical reading, finishing with "the foolishness came without anything."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+9%3A62&version=KJV

"Unfaithfullness is what ah wanna get to there."

He screams his usual crap about people quitting church, and how the whole world is watching the saved to see how they behave. He does his bit about the governor of Virginia, and adds that he hopes that "they can switch over and be a real state agin" after the election.

Captions:

Spoiler

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Lots of familiar shit pours out of his face for a while - mostly blaming the people who don't pray and don't come to church for the horrible state of our country.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+12%3A37-38&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya another thing if we're ready or not is the people that are watchin' for Jesus."

Gary has such a tough time fitting his theme/title into the statements that precede each section of the message. You never could have written prologues and epilogues for The Twilight Zone, Gary.

This section consists of Gary briefly conceding that there are some people still watching for Jesus, but too few, and he'd just as soon see the end times.

Of course.

He tells the story of the man who came into the restaurant and gave him a $20 bill again - it's different this time, of course. Among other things, Gary now says he's not accusing the man of this, but he knows "the intent of some people, 'Hey, if ah give the preacher a piece of money God will look at - God will look a little - give me a little bitta light over my head. They're gonna be surprahsed, amen?"

So, in two tellings of this tale, Gary, you still haven't told us whether or not you took the twenty.

Gary asks them to "look in verses 40."

KJV:  Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
BGV:  Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh when ye think not.

"How 'bout this? Over the decades, an' ah know it's prob'ly been even before - after ah - before ah was ever born, but people, ah heard a gah get on the - ah heard a gah git on the Innernet th'other day, if ah could fahnd the video agin, an' ah don't think ah'd have a problem fahndin' it, ah have never heard the man's name but the face looks familiar. But he said 'Ah wanna letchu know wha the Lord hasn't come.' He said one of those tahms amen? He's needin' somebody t' give him a little bit more riches so he kin git a little bit more richer an' bah him another wonna them big ol' jets. Kenneth Copelan' got on the Innernet here about a month or two ago mebbe a little longer'n that an' he said 'Ah wanna letchu know, you're the people that have bought mah jets.' But this gah got up an here's what he said - he said 'The Lord ain't comin' raht now because ever'body - nobody's wantin' t'give, an' ah wanna letchu know ah'm ohn the receivin' end!' That come outta his mouth, look the video up, ah kin show it to ya!"

Well, that was  . . .  something.

Anyway, the Lord is going to come on His time, you can't make it happen by giving your 401K away to a false preacher.

Oliver B. Green comes up. OK, captions, do your stuff!

Spoiler

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As I've said, the captions tend to think Gary's loud HAYMUN! bellows are "hey man" or "hey Mike." But sometimes his quiet amens get them, as well:

Spoiler

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He repeats a lot of things we've heard dozens of times, and these people have already heard 2-4 times during this revival.

More later.

 

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Finishing the 10/26 rantfest under the tent in Loris, Gary reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A11-13&version=KJV

He manages to do a fairly coherent segue for this one: "What about this one raht here - God's gonna come when we're not expectin', when we're not ready, 'cause we're too be - too busy boastin' about ourselves."

He bellows and shrieks and waves his arms for a while, and is left panting, but still talking.

He says something about 9/11, then gets on the topic of recovering fundamentalists (he can't remember what it's called, and asks Becky), but goes right into screaming about how surprised we'd be if we could see what's on some preachers' cell phones, then shrieks about a preacher he won't name (but they'd all know the name, and his tent is much, much bigger than Gary's), who said "'Hey, young people, go get me some young people, go get me some young person that ah kin bring to the altar, that ah kin lead 'im in a prayer,' and they'd go to Hell! He didn't say that, ah said that."

All unrelated fragments, but Gary seems to feel very passionate about how it all hangs together and what a great point he's made.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+20%3A25&version=KJV

"You know how many people today that's doubting God?"

Oops, Gary - where's the "ready or not" part?

He starts his rant about how scientists claim they "poufed" the world into existance, then talks about Youngkin again (not by name, of course), saying he'd probably be a good governor, but "he's prob'ly not completely against edu - he's prob'ly not aginst - " He freezes. "Whatta they - uh - in school with the - comin' from a monkey?"
A man: "Evolution."
Gary: "Evolution. He prob'ly not completely aginst that. But ah am gonna tellya, if he'll stand up now listen that is wrong an' it should be taught that it's wrong amen but if he'll teach yer girl - he'll have the teachers to go in an' say 'Hey! Ah'm a little girrrl and she - that oughta be the way it's taught amen because God only made two kahndsa people and that was He made male and female. The Democrats made the rest of 'em amen."

Gary swigs water while some congregants giggle.

"You know what? Ah was in a woman's body. Nahn months later ah came out of it hallelujah amen, an' ah ain't trahd to be a woman since.  Ah think you kin ask mah wahf, pretty much say listen hey, there ain't no feminine bone in mah body. Now mah wahf lahks t'go sometahm an' she had them Chahnese people t'rub ohn her feet an' uh, do whatever the pedicare or whatever all that stuff is.an' she'll - ah said to her the other naht, ah said 'Man, ah need a pedicare,' she said "Lets' go!'"

"Ah thought mebbe she was talkin' about goin' to the bedroom an' rubbin' mah feet, amen. No! She wohnt me t'go  - listen ah'm gonna tellya raht now, mah wahf is the only one gon' touch mah feet.  Ah got bunions, an' mah sister-in-law when we was up there the other day after ah got outta the shower ah didn't put ohn mah shoes or whatever because ah was gonna stay in the house the rest of th'naht, an' mah sister-in-law says 'You need t'go to the doctor,' now ah didn't, ah didn't really pay attention t'what she said because ah'm not goin' t'no doctor for mah feet ah think you OK ah believe, ah kin walk anyway amen?"

His granny died with her bunions, and Gary's going to die with his.

Anyway, doubting God will get you in trouble.

In his fantasy about the Rapture (the empty church bit), Gary adds the idea that pilots (I assume he means saved, churchgoing pilots) should stop flying, because "the Lord's liable t'come, then there's gonna be all then people on that plane that'll crash."

Gary claims that "they say" that "they" won't let two saved pilots get on the same plane. No, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+17%3A31&version=KJV

You know what else, you know how, you know what else, you're ready or not, God's gonna judge us."

Gary tells a story from his childhood, that I've never heard before. He claims that, when they "first got into a Bahble-believin' church," his Daddy was talking to a Jehovah's Witness who came to their house.

They talked about how the Lord first came as a babe, and "destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, an' all the things He destroyed, an' then over there in chapter six, He destroyed mankahnd  with a flood an' everything, an' mah Daddy says, 'An' the Bahble says, He's comin' back the next tahm t'burn the earth up.' Ah' here's what that Jehovah's Witness said: 'Where's He gonna get the matches from?'"

Really, Gary? Somehow I doubt this story.

Anyway, of course, Danny assured the man that God could just say "'catch ohn fahr,' an' it'll be over with."

How reassuring.

Of course, God is not waiting to judge us, Gary says He's judging right now. He knows because "we got somebody in the White House that thinks he's the president, he's not sure what he is." God is letting him destroy America to punish the Christians who aren't witnessing.

He refers to John:18-21, but doesn't read it.

Accept the light or be condemned. He's coming whether we're saved or not.

He gets in another dig at Jehovah's Witnesses, claiming they think bad people can lay in the ground for a while after death, then someone can go and "pray them out." "That's a heresy of doctrine that's not even true."

He checks with Becky about how long ago his grandmother died, then talks about the fact that she's buried in a Methodist graveyard. A Baptist preacher spoke at her funeral, then, Gary tells us with disgust, the woman - "a woman pastor, which is unbiblical, amen? She had to do her part after the preacher got up an give a good clear plan of salvation, but she had t'git up an' ah seen her at the very end, raht before we took the casket to the - over across the road to the - uh, to the graveyard, she put her hand on the casket, an' commended mah grandmother inta Heaven."

He demonstrates this horrible moment:

Spoiler

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Gary goes on to say that he hopes his grandmother is in Heaven, but he's seen her "play a little bitta church," then stay out a lot. So he's not sure.

The captions have trouble with Gary's mumbling and eliding of "the death burial and resurrection" again:

Spoiler

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He's coming, whether we're ready or not.

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

Edited by thoughtful
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13 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah thought mebbe she was talkin' about goin' to the bedroom an' rubbin' mah feet, amen. No! She wohnt me t'go  - listen ah'm gonna tellya raht now, mah wahf is the only one gon' touch mah feet.  Ah got bunions, an' mah sister-in-law when we was up there the other day after ah got outta the shower ah didn't put ohn mah shoes or whatever because ah was gonna stay in the house the rest of th'naht, an' mah sister-in-law says 'You need t'go to the doctor,' now ah didn't, ah didn't really pay attention t'what she said because ah'm not goin' t'no doctor for mah feet ah think you OK ah believe, ah kin walk anyway amen?"

Ewwww, Gary.  We don't need to know about your feet.  I suppose seeing a podiatrist or taking care of foot problems is somehow feminine or unChristian.  Maybe he doesn't want a stranger to see his nekkid feet.

Gary is so weird.

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“His tent is much, much bigger than Gary’s” - am I the only one who read “tent” as a euphemism for a male body part? Gary seems to conflate the two. 

I could also have lived the rest of my life without hearing about Gary’s bunions and his fear of both pedicures and podiatrists (and, for the record, I’ve known quite a few men who got pedicures and it didn’t automatically change their sexuality). 

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1 hour ago, postscript said:

“His tent is much, much bigger than Gary’s” - am I the only one who read “tent” as a euphemism for a male body part? Gary seems to conflate the two.

Every now and then, with teeth gritted, and exerting all the self-control I can, I just supply the straight line, and leave the punch line for someone else. 😁

I'm so glad you picked up on it! I probably should have typed out everything Gary said, but just didn't have the patience. He went on for several sentences about how this man's tent seated so many more than his, and had to be carried around in a much larger vehicle.

Supposedly, the point he was making was that a successful, big-time Baptist preacher said something bad.

But I think Gary has tent envy.

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17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He manages to do a fairly coherent segue for this one: "What about this one raht here - God's gonna come when we're not expectin', when we're not ready, 'cause we're too be - too busy boastin' about ourselves."

I wish he'd make up his mind when the Lord is coming back.  All my life I've heard it's going to be soon because of how bad the world is getting.  Then sometimes it's "like a thief in the night."

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On to 10/27, still in the sixth circle of Hell - no, wait - that's me, listening to these - Gary was still in Loris, SC, under his teeny, tiny, inadequate tent.

I'm sure he'd say "It's not the size of the tent, it's the screechin' of the preachin'." :wink-kitty:

Gary fusses with the microphone and battery while he casually tosses out prayer requests. He doesn't know if Marge is feeling better - she didn't answer his text. Ernie is due back "tomorrow, Lord's a-willin'. Uh - ah'm assumin' they probably already buried - buried his niece, ah assume t'day, so . . . pray fer th'family."

He says a friend of his in Texas just lost his wife, asks for prayers for them in his disinterested tone, finally gets the equipment where he wants it, and swigs from his water bottle.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+1%3A18-25&version=KJV

Lots of minor errors, and that throat-hurting strained voice, but not too bad, by Gary standards.

He re-reads verses 21 and 25. As with the first reading, he does the "Je-SUSS" pronunciation, then "With the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn Je-SUSS, amen?"

Gary, who claims he is sincere and has stopped imitating other preachers, always seems to be experimenting with techniques, quotes and various detritus from other sources. Besides various ways to stress the word "Jesus," he gets into lots of "uh" at the end of words and phrases in this one.

I keep thinking of someone I knew who'd watched professional wrestling in his youth. I asked if anyone believed it was not staged. He said that everybody knew it was fake, but nobody ever talked about it or acknowledged it. The fun was in everyone pretending it was real, even though they all knew that the other person knew that it was fake.

Obviously, there had to be some people, especially kids, caught up in there, that believed it was not staged. Among Gary and his blustery fellow preachers, I wonder what is the percentage of those who believe all of what they spew, who is 100% performing, and who is somewhere in between.

I guess I should just be grateful for a quick segue. I noticed that this video is only 38 minutes long. Maybe he's not feeling well - he actually loosens his tie, which I don't think I've ever seen him do while preaching:

Spoiler

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image.png.bf66555f8982bc999a44da1b9517e9ee.png

Oh, Gary - it's a slippery slope! Soon, all too soon, you'll be preachin' NEKKID!

"There's no greater subject t'preach about than Jesus ya say wha? Because Jesus is a good pers - ah mean not just a good person, but Jesus is the one that came t'save an' t'seek an' t'save that which was lost."

Many general and familiar sentence fragments about Jesus are screamed into the night air. Gary has some trouble with tenses, yelling that Jesus came to this "ungodly, wicked, filthy world, knewin' that people would reject Him, knewin' that people wouldn't want nothin' t'do with Him."

He ends this long rant in a tone of voice implying that his final statement is a great conclusion, a revelation: "and tonight Jesus is a great-uh Gohhhd, amen!"

He screams that, if they don't believe Jesus "was born of a virgin tonight, let me let you know somethin' tonight; you - can - not - be - saved. You have to believe that He was born of a virgin. Mary did not know man before she - far as comin' together Mary did not know, but Mary did know tonight that Jesus Chrise would come an' be the savior of the worl' she didn't quite unnerstand all of it an' we don't have to understand that we just believe an' receive an' accept what Jesus Chrise did-uh ohn the ol' rugged cross tonight amen?"

I think several of those "tonight" iterations don't belong, Gary. And now I need to take a brief interlude or two, in memory of Stephen Sondheim.

OK, back to Gary. Someone has just come in, and he and Gary greet one another jovially. Gary swigs his water, then resumes screaming generalities about Jesus, plus a few Garyesque details: "He'd go down to the hospitals where they were sick an' lame an' blahnd an' He'd go bah an' He'd go an' heal 'em up, ah'm just sayin', hey, that's Jesus!"

I think the new person inspired him - he's on a roll. He is, however, still stuck on putting in "tonight" where it doesn't belong: "Ah'm gonna go to Heaven tonight you say wha? Because of Jesus Chrise."

He gets into one of those rhythmic, repetitive chants - it sounds like he wants to end each phrase with "for years," like the first one, but his mind and mouth fail him. It comes out:

Spoiler

image.png.3b46106bfbfbdd15639ca4e939ef7821.png

image.png.2d62da23a02a3459b2f4fb7377ee2f2f.png

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+8%3A23-27&version=KJV

KJV: there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
BGV: there arose a great tempest in the storm, so much as the ship was covered with the waves: but he - but he - but he was asleep.

Captions seem to think there was a college involved:

Spoiler

image.png.7f99ab9b82972ce6bb870b24b62ff3cb.png

The captions also have some trouble with Gary's preacherly "uh" after some words:

Spoiler

image.png.2aab574ad0bbf93bddc7f5fcf7f271fb.png

While yelling about how Jesus brings peace, Gary says "we go through heartaches, we go through temption."

I think he meant to say "temptation." Captions:

Spoiler

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More unpeaceful screaming about peace pours out, including:

Spoiler

image.png.8738f755a305fe3fad33aca4859d137e.png

Yeah, Jesus - stop bogarting the pie!

image.png.d4b7ca473fd6b9c3c68d7de2d19262ab.png

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+9%3A10&version=KJV

"Ah'll tellya somethin' else about Jesus - He's got tahm."

He shrieks a lot of stuff about how, in the "day an' hour we're livin' in," in the "religious re'm," you have to be "up with the rich people, up with the hah-class people," but Jesus had "tahm-uh for anybody an' ever'body."

Gary says he has time for "every person that's born in America," because, of course, of his burden. He proudly screams that he "will give a gospel track to any race, any collar, any individual." And, of course, that he doesn't need to leave America to "go get any nationality person 'cause we got a lot of 'em here in America amen?"

Also, of course, Indians.

He tries to read Matthew 11:28.

KJV: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
BGV: Come unto meeee, all ye that are heavy. Laden. Lemme re - lemme start that over agin. Comeuntomeallyethat labour and are heavy laden, and I will give - you - rest.

"Ah'll tell you somethin' else Jesus is - He's rest.

Gary does a long complicated set-up about how we get caught up in the "rap race," but Jesus will give rest. And he does his awkward routine about the footsteps poem, saying that you know Jesus "picks ya up and He totes ya," when there's "only one footprint."

So . . . Jesus picked the person up, hopped once, and stopped?

He launches into the 23rd psalm by memory. Today's version is: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not wohnt. He leadeth me but bah - he leadeth me bah the still waters He restoreth my soul. He maketh me to lah down."

And that leads him to talking about "a preacher frienda mahn that just got over the Covit in New York," (Henry, Gary - his name is Henry). This time it slips out that Becky said "You know that verse has come to me very often" and then he veers off again, so he doesn't confirm what verse he's talking about, but I'm going to guess that it's "maketh me to lie down," since he's just been talking about it.

So I wonder if the idea that Gary's been pushing for a while, that the "maketh" in the 23rd Psalm means that God will force you to rest, came from Becky. And I"m wondering if it was her way of trying to tell him not to feel compelled to preach every night.

He goes on to talk about people he knows who drove themselves too hard, and ended up on their back, and to say that he's going to have a few days off after this revival.

"Am ah makin' sense tonaht? Ah'm just talkin' about listen hey Jesus."

More later.

Edited by thoughtful
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Finishing up 10/27, in Loris, Gary reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+14%3A14&version=KJV

"Now here we talkin' about where Jesus had - uh - had a multitude of people follerin' Him because they was wantin' t'see what was goin' ohn with Jesus, an' they was gittin' hongry an' ah wanna say sumpin' to ya ah wanna tellya what we need in America today is some people t'have compassion. Jesus had compassionsssss."

He screams about Jesus feeding the multitude, and other examples of His compassion. Jesus said "Ah must needs go through Samaria. Now you know anything about the Samaritan woman she was a wicked woman she'd been married three tahms she was shacked up with a man, an' Jesus still had took tahm for her. Amen? What about Zacchaeus, a rich man, a man 'at stole money, a rich, un wonna them tax collectors listen hey if ya wanna know who's got all the money, go to the tax people they got it all, amen? Or they think they do."

He screams a lot of his standard stuff.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+14%3A28-29&version=KJV

He struggles through this, and can't seem to get three words in a row to come out right.

Jesus showed who He was.

And a series of familiar screamed riffs follow.

"Miss Frances, nobody now - ah know mah wahf, we won't never see her this sahd of eternity agin, but we've known her for what about six years somethin' lahk that? Had health issues from every since we've known her, an' just health issues git worse, an' God just seen fit t'let her live that life . . . until some tahm this mornin.' You know what? She's healed. She will not ever ever ever again have to worry about pain. Y'say wha? 'Cause God healed her, took her t'Heaven. She told her husband last night, he told me a whahl ago when ah talked to him, 'She told me last naht, she said "Ah'm goin' home."' He said 'Whatta you mean?' He told - she told him three tahms, 'Ah'm goin' t'the other sahd.' He said 'Ah, no yer not, yer gonna stay with me.' He went in there t'check on her this mornin' at  eleven o'clock - she was gone."

  He announces Acts 4:12, starts reading from 14:12, then corrects himself.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+4%3A12&version=KJV

The name of Jesus can save you. And he tells them to go right back to Matthew 1, and re-reads verses 21 and 25.

He does his min-bio of Jesus, then says tonight is a good night to get saved, because people are dying.

By Miss Frances' testimony, and he can only go by her testimony, she woke up in Heaven. But other people who died went to Hell. Drop your religion and get a relationship.

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13 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

He took the $20… 

I assume as much. I just wanted to point out that Gary never includes that in the story.

Ali Velshi interviewed President and Mrs. Nez this morning. He asked what the US government can do to benefit the Navajo Nation, and I wanted to hear Jonathan Nez, in his soft-spoken way, add "Oh, and can we ban that idiot, Gary Hawkins?"

Not that being banned would stop Mr. Rules Don't Apply to Evangelists, but it was a nice fantasy.

 

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20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I keep thinking of someone I knew who'd watched professional wrestling in his youth. I asked if anyone believed it was not staged. He said that everybody knew it was fake, but nobody ever talked about it or acknowledged it. The fun was in everyone pretending it was real, even though they all knew that the other person knew that it was fake.

I was just thinking about this recently, too.  Wouldn't it be funny if Gary got up and said, "I've got one message, folks.  There's a Hell to shun and a Heaven to gain.  You get there through believing that Jesus died for you.  That's it.  I can mangle the reading of some Bible verses and pretend to be preaching on different subjects but that's all I ever really say.  Now put some money in the Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket for me and I'll be on my way" ,,,?  You can tell that he doesn't really care about anyone to whom he's preaching.  He wants to get into the shouty preaching where they add "uh" to every line but he just doesn't have any content.  Hard to preach if you don't have a theme.

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

You know what? She's healed.

Nope.  She's dead, Gary.  That's different from "healed".  

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

So . . . Jesus picked the person up, hopped once, and stopped?

This made me chuckle out loud.

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31 minutes ago, Xan said:

Nope.  She's dead, Gary.  That's different from "healed".  

 

So this is something I’m seeing a lot in my social circles… ‘they’ve been healed or made whole’ being a euphemism for dead… or ‘it was their time and/ or the Lord called them home…

unfortunately, I am still in touch with a lot of anti science folks and their family members are getting sick and dying… I saw five death announcements in a week and as young as 42 :( 
im starting to read these pat responses as trying to minimize the ravages of covid in these communities… like they have to say something else, something churchy. [email protected]: think they’d start to value life and science and try to stop it but it seems like now they’re just looking at it as meant to be!

its scary

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Gary has a new cover photo on Facebook:

Spoiler

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The video from 10/29, still under the tent in Loris, SC, begins with the singing, if you can call it that, of A New Name in Glory. I assume from the fact that Jacob is in the pulpit and Gary is wandering around with his hands in his pockets, then fussing with the microphone, rather than both of them standing by the piano, that this is supposed to be congregational singing.

Gary comes to the pulpit, slaps his towel-covered Bible down, and segues from the hymn by reviewing his salvation. He slips in a complaint about the sound equipment: "Julah 11, 1999, Jesus Chrise came bah mah way, hallelujah, got some squeakin' goin' on, amen?"

He  looks off to the side, where Becky has gone (Jacob may be over there, as well, if he walked behind the camera after leaving the pulpit).

Spoiler

image.png.c7a135386e869a3a7e50ed880a6c94e7.png

After some time-filling babble about being saved, Gary asks for prayers for the service, for the church, for Brother Ernie who was "due back tonight, but ah guess with the flaht attendents the way they're goin', he'll be back tomorrow, Lord's a-willin'."

:confusion-shrug:

As he lists prayer requests, Gary needs to ask Becky about one - he just knows there was someone he was supposed to pray for - hasn't written it down, has no memory of what it was. Becky reminds him, and Gary tells them about his preacher friend in Oklahoma, whose step-mother is in the hospital (he exclaims "nothin' t'do with Covit!" twice), on a ventilator.

He tells them more details (as part of a prayer request, of course), about Marge's sister's issues with her mind - she also fell and "did somethin' to her pacemaker, broke it or something."

After praying half-heartedly, Gary says "Well, praise the Lord, Hallelujah, you're the only one that could make it?"
Man: "Yup."
Gary: "Well, hallelujah - appreciate yer comin'."

I don't know if the man is the only person from his family that could come, or whether he's actually the only person out there other than Becky and Jacob.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+34%3A1-8&version=KJV

Full of little errors, and Gary's usual conversion of "eth" endings to "ed," and one great reversal - he says "truthtess" for "trusteth."

Gary loosens his tie - getting to be a habit, Gary? Jacob is fussing with something as Gary reads - an amp, perhaps?

Spoiler

image.png.c6d1b7fb8fda85fc8d3d90f72e7505f3.png

Gary re-reads the first half of verse eight. twice. I take a break to listen to Vaughan Williams.

OK, let's find out what Gary makes of tasting the Lord, and how he gets to his message title.  He strains, yells and screams:

"Now ah wanna say if you have ever tasted of the Lord, if you've ever ahahah been filled with the spirita God, if you've ever had God all over you, amanna say raht now, you know God's good, amen? Ah'll say this much, in all reality, you know when life ain't even fair an' when things are goin' lahk they're goin' with the government, an' things are goin' lahk they're goin' with the church, amen lemme letcha know something, God's still good amen? God's good all th'tahm no matter what the situation is, hey here's th'sayin' that's been goin' around fer years, God is good, an' all the tahm an' all the tahm God is good amen."

"It don't matter what tahm of the day it is, it don't matter what tahm the situation is, God's good. Hey, He was good enough to create this earth, amen-ah, an' He done it in six days-ah, givin' us a day of sayin' the daaay of the seventh day is the day of rest an' ah wanna say somethin' to ya hey - but God  coulda done it in one daaay but He planned it out so that man an' woman boy an' girl could use common sense - an' ah'm not sure how much of that's around here any more, amen-ah - but he could use common sense-ah an' say 'Hey! Here's what we're s'posed t'do. An' then here's what we're s'posed t'not do.' But God's good - with the help of the Lord ah wanna preach ohn How Good God Isssss. How Good God Is listen hey -"

And he's off an running, and running off at the mouth.

Gary claims that he was planning a different message, but the Lord put this on his heart, because somebody must need it. Gary's just being obedient to the Holy Spirit. After more shrieking of things we've heard many times, he attempts "Chalms, sap - chal - heh - Psalms chapter 16, amen. Psalms chapter 16, look in verses 6:"

KJV: The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
Bro Gary Version: The lahhhns are fallen upon me in pleasure - pleasant places; yea, ah have no - ah have a goodly - herridge.

"Ah'll tellya what's good about God, an' how ah can say God is - through the family."

Gary screams about his father getting him in church when he was three, "so let me letchu know something-ha, I have a  goodly herridge! I have a godly herridges! Ah have a - ah have, listen hey through mah whole - buh - through - buh - through mah father an' mah mother, through mah family, through mah marriage now, listen let me letchu know somethin' hey - God has give me a goodly herriggit - amen."

Did that "now" just slip out, Gary?

More screaming about family, friends, and preachers that were "heroes of the faith, gone on, amen." Gary tells them that his favorite preacher was Dr. Jimmy Robbins. he of the modified Gary Oldman as Dracula hairstyle.

Really, Gary? You've only mentioned him a few times before. Gary says he was a strange preacher, but God did great works through him. Gary wishes he could get hold of some tapes or CDs of him preaching. Then he lists some other names we've heard many times before - Roloff, Green - what, no Carl Lackey?

He goes on about having a "goodly heritage," and now he is suddenly able to pronounce it.

 

Spoiler

 

More later.

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Continuing 10/28 in Loris, Gary reads John 1:1 - In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

"A'm gonna tellya how good God has given us here in Amurrica - we have the worda God." Screaming: "We have the worda God listen hey there is countries in the foreign fields an' they -  uh - cain't speak English an' they speak whatever it is that they have listen hey somma those countries still t'day do not have the worda God even in their language but in the English-speaking language we have the worda God. Now ah haveta say because of the day an' hour we're livin' in, ah'm talkin' about the King - James - Bahble, that is Gods-ah infallable - worda God, those other ones are books. People say" (stupid person voice) "'Well Gohhhhd wrote this, God wrote that, an' He had this done,' listen hey, God said he was not the author of confusion, an' havin' a book-ah, rather than a Bahble, is con-fusion! Amen!"

He screams about what's left out of the NIV, and bellows on about the wonderful KJV, with lots of repetitive chanting, and -ah at the end of words. He's in full-on fake old-timey preacher mode, and says nothing new for a while.

Gary shrieks that he knows it's real because he can read something he's read "over an' over an' over an' over, an' really not nothin' never stuck out to me, an' every tahm that ah read that same chapter, every tahm ah git somethin' different."

Long pause, then he speaks more quietly. Ready for a truly deep thought? Maybe I should put it under a spoiler:

Spoiler

"And it ain't like readin' The Three Little Pigs. The Three Little Pigs don't do much for me."

image.png.6283068ac9675a5e82a37eb024384f52.png

I don't think the phrase "comparing apples to oranges" even begins to cover this one.

"Mah wahf bought mah granddaughter - what was the name of the book?"

Silence.

"She don't even know what she bought her - mah goo'ness, she's bought her that much stuff." He gets louder and louder, until he is screaming again. "But it was some kinda book that ah - that has been read down through the decades of many people's homes, an' mah daughter sent me a picture of mah granddaughter - hallelujah ah git t'see a picture of it anyway once in a whahl, amen?  An' an' she sent a picture of it, an' she was reading that book t'her. Now ah wanna say somethin' to ya, ah have no problem with her readin' that book t'her an' her teachin' whatever kahnda lesson it is thatchu need to, but ah'manna tellya raht now ah hope t'God they'll get that old King James Bahble an' they'll read that old King James Bahble  to her, an' they'll show her what the real worda God is - "

And he goes on screeching at top volume for a while, about how fabulous the KJV is. Also, people didn't have to wonder what Donald Trump was thinking - he made it clear. Same with the KJV - God made everything clear. :roll:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A1-4&version=KJV

KJV: I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.
BGV: I will come again unto you, and receive unto you myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whether I go ye know . . .  and uh and the way ye know.

"Ah'll say another thing how ah know how good God is - He's preparin' a mansion for me."

While screaming about Heaven, Gary mentions that, being saved, he's not afraid to die. "Ah k'n lay mah head on mah pilla, an' ah k'n dah, just lahk Miss Frances did, she dahd yesterday, somewhere in the middle of the naht prob'ly or early yesterday mornin, 'cause at elevena clock he said her body was cold. So she'd been gohn for a little whahl. Ah told mah wahf ah'm so hot-natured, it'll take - they'll have to pick a big wahld guess on whether - if ah dahd, what tahm it was 'cause ah'll - ah may not never cool down amen."

Thanks, Gary - we all really needed to hear that.

He gets on the subject of Christmas. "Now if you know anything, this Santa Claus that they came up with comes from the north. If ah read mah Bahble raht an' ah study mah Bahble raht, Heaven's in the north. Ah'm a little bit concerned about that - maybe Jesus is a Yankee, ah don't know amen we'll have to be a little bit  - ah'm jokin.' AMEN. Brother Will be all for that he's from MIchigan God help him."

And, whatever his point was going to be about Santa, and Heaven being in the North, it's gone. He's back to screeching about Jesus and salvation.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+16%3A25-26&version=KJV

God and Jesus are so good, that even in our troubled times we can praise the Lord.

Gary starts burbling (which turns into screaming, of course) about going to jail or prison. He's never gone, except to preach. "But ah'm talkin' about far as goin' t'jail an' bein' han'cuffs, an' setting there - ah've never done that, an' ah ain't plan - well if ah do it, it will be fer the cawuse of Chrise, with the help of the Lord Jesus Chrise amen, but far as crah - crahm, that is really been committed, that's really a constitutional crahm, ah've never done that thank God, or ah never been caught in the part - huh, never done anything t'go t'jail for, but ah wanna say somethin' to ya, hey even whenever ah go through trahhhls an' tribblations an' hard tahms an' disappointing tahms, an' mah vehicles tore up, an' this is goin' ohn, an' that's goin' ohn, ah'manna tellya raht now, God is good enough to us, that He's there with us every steppa th'way, He was there with Paul an' Sahlas, an' Paul an' Sahlas knew He was there, an' they made the praisesah God, an' they shouted the victory amen!"

You can scream about tribulations and Paul and Silas all you want, Gary - I heard that "never been caught" part.

He yells and quakes the story about his preacher friend who said he had no purpose, because he had "alltahmers." Gary says he lost a great prayer warrior when this man died. As I remember, he and his wife also sent you money, which I assume you also miss, Gary.

Another screech-round comes out, about how Jesus takes care of him, and the devil is always trying to knock down people who are doing God's work.

I need to rest my ears for a while - I'll finish this one later.

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3 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

Is this still in the place with presumably one person in attendance?? Poor guy is questioning his life choices by now I hope.

This is still that service. I think I've heard a few other voices, so Gary may have meant that he was the only one from his family, or some other church or group.

But it's a wonderful mental image - one guy sitting there, thinking "I don't suppose I could sneak out without being noticed." :think:

I wish we could know how many people show up to these things, not knowing who Gary is, and never come again. What I can't get over is that there are people who love his preaching. I mean, even if you believe all of the same things, wouldn't you want the messages you hear to contain actual sentences in English?

Maybe it seems more magical and "deep" to some because it's incoherent. Hmmm . . . closet Pentecostals, who secretly wish they went to a church where people speak in tongues? Now that would be an insult to Gary.

Edited by thoughtful
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On 10/28, about 2/3 of the way through his message, Gary reads 1 Corinthians 15:57:

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

"God is so good He saved me." And he screams about how he used to "play church." He says he has Victory in Jesus, and sings a few lines from that hymn in a very high tenor. He can actually hit the notes better up there.

More screaming (how does he keep it up?), including the story of the young woman from Pennsylvania who was insulting God on the phone. Now he claims he said, "If that's all you have tahm for, is to throw off ohn mah God, the best thing for you to is t'hang up the phone - ah do not wanna hear it!"

I have never heard the expression "to throw off on," meaning insulting I guess. Google only found one reference to Bill Clinton saying it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+12%3A9&version=KJV

"Y'know how good God is, is His grace is sufficient."

"Every morning when we wake up we have a new set of grace for that day."

Gary says that store shelves may be empty - he doesn't know because he doesn't do grocery shopping. He told Becky to stock up on deodorant when she goes into the Dollar General.

Gary sometimes runs out of things, but Jesus never does. "You won't believe this, but sometahms ah run out of things t'say as a Bapist preacher. That's unusual hearin', amen?"

He tells them to go to 2 Timothy, then 1, then 2 then 1. 1 Timothry 1:12 is is:

 And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry;

Gary does his faux-modest shrieking about how he's not worthy.

More familiar crap, and this little detail - "ah've got 66 books here, an' ah have read it a few times, ah'm not braggin' ohn mahself, but ah've read it a few times, ah've never seen where it says you can have Internet church."

He's quite serious.

He mumbles something about Becky and Jacob sitting and "doin' somethin, or whatever ah said 'Ah kin see ya'll two ain't been in the prayer closet  lately. Just jokin' with 'em."

Romans 10:13; KJV:  For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
BGV:  Fer whoshowever h'call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

God will save anyone, even a Democrat.

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11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

ah've got 66 books here, an' ah have read it a few times, ah'm not braggin' ohn mahself, but ah've read it a few times, ah've never seen where it says you can have Internet church."

He's quite serious.

Hmmm, I don’t remember where the Bible says you can have a veehickle or pink weens, Gar.

Edited by smittykins
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Because the internet was totally a thing back in Jesus’ day and in 1611 when King James wrote the Bible. The stupidity of this man never ceases to amaze me. 

“Sometimes I run out of things to say” - oh, Gary. You ran out of things to say a long time ago. 

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On 11/23/2021 at 7:23 PM, thoughtful said:

And I realized early in my obsession with reading everything that it helps to know the Bible, including the Christian parts, to get certain references in both fiction and non-fiction.

A high school course in the Bible as literature helped with that last realization - the teacher had created a one-semester course, and we had such a great time that she asked the students to help her create a second semester.

For those who didn't get exposed to the Bible in their early years, and for whom a lot of Christian references in crossword puzzles and literature fly right over their heads, there is still hope, without having to read the actual book. The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible and/or The Bible for Dummies. They are both like the Reader's Digest Condensed Versions of the Bible, if such a thing actually existed. FJers of a certain age will get that reference.

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On 12/1/2021 at 1:18 PM, Black Aliss said:

They are both like the Reader's Digest Condensed Versions of the Bible, if such a thing actually existed. FJers of a certain age will get that reference.

I know the condensed versions of books were separate from the magazine, but my silly brain just thought "I am Joe's Second Colossians."

I have fallen even further behind on my Gary recapping, mostly because of a rough week with what I'm pretty sure was a food-borne illness. There's something wrong with my computer, as well. I'll see how I can do with my tired brain and lagging computer.

On October 29, in Loris, under the tent, The Hawkins family sings, then Gary swings up to the lectern. There are several "amen"- calling men there, who don't seem to need much of a reason.

"Tonaht folks if we cain't depend on the Lord , we cain't depend on nobody amen? 'Cause ah don't have no doubt that ah can depend on the Lord y'say 'How ya know?' He has never doubted me yet, amen."

He realizes what he's said and corrects his error.

Gary tells them some of his upcoming itinerary, then asks them to pray for Miss Marge - he hasn't heard from her or Ernie all day. Also Marge's sister ("Ah don't know what the deal is with her" - I think he just means he hasn't gotten an update, but it sounds so dismissive of her problems), his friend whose wife died, someone else whose stepmom died that morning ("ended up in the hospital - ohn a ventilator - not Covid-related  whatsoever!"), Brother Danny Doss in North Carolina, who is on a ventilator,  and his daughter.

Some other men ask for prayers, including one who goes on and on for a while. As soon as Gary gets the floor again, he tells them to pray for police officers, then starts ranting about how "she" defunded the police in Chicago, and now wants help, and how mandates for "the shot" should be thrown in the trash.

He asks them to pray for the governors of Texas and Florida, who are "doin' some good stuff." The captions mistake "DeSantis" for something else - just can't bear to spell out his name, I guess:

Spoiler

image.png.02298f39288a02dbfdd6e88fac7e708d.png

He says some other red states are doing well, too, and says to pray that Virginia turns red. Then he claims he doesn't care if they're Republican or Democrat - "We're not fighting Republican or Democrat - we're fighting wickitnissss."

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.d9a87f176ed4ed80ba768bdf8de611a2.png

Gary's been tooth-sucking a lot as he speaks, and that continues as he re-iterates some of these prayers in his plea to God. Very attractive.

He announces "Fizzions chapter four," then babbles about how people should have church even if the numbers are low.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+4%3A1-7&version=KJV

Errors abound, such as:

KJV:  One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
BGV:  One God and the - and the  Father of awull who. Is before  awull, there -  throughout - awull - an' in you awull.

Gary cracks wise about the emergency vehicles going by, and one of the men explains why they are out, based on something he heard before coming there  (I can't catch it, but it sounds like they were needed somewhere for - y'know - an emergency). Gary casually says "Alrighty, we'll pray for that," then launches into his message.

He re-reads verses 1 and 4, emphasizing the words called and calling. His theme is Jesus is Calling. He falls into one of his rhythmic riffs about how you can't choose when you are saved, you have to wait for Jesus to call. Then he shrieks about his salvation day. Then come the screams about going out to save others.

"Where ah'm from, at the beach, there's people dahin'!"

Captions:

 

Spoiler

image.png.713704396e70974b9916d1fdeac6ec00.png

"Mark chapter 2 real quick-like."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+2%3A17&version=KJV

Gary gets on a riff about how, if you're "borned again," "you shouldn't have to be begged to . . . . " But, after the first one, he gets the rest reversed, and they come out "you shouldn't be begged to haveta go to a tent revahval,"  "you shouldn't be begged to haveta  read yer Bahble," etc.

I agree, Gary!

He screams on - nothing new. The man who calls out responses just goes on with his rhythm, mostly saying "Thank you Jesus," no matter what Gary screams.

I'll resume later. Sadly, this caption is perfectly accurate. Whoever said "Yes, you are," you have not been paying attention.

Spoiler

image.png.fe199c2ee26503ac47a3e7ede342fd3a.png

 

 

Edited by thoughtful
stupid computer
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On 12/5/2021 at 10:41 PM, thoughtful said:

I know the condensed versions of books were separate from the magazine, but my silly brain just thought "I am Joe's Second Colossians."

I have fallen even further behind on my Gary recapping, mostly because of a rough week with what I'm pretty sure was a food-borne illness. There's something wrong with my computer, as well. I'll see how I can do with my tired brain and lagging computer.

Hope you're feeling better — food poisoning sucks 😢

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On 12/5/2021 at 10:41 PM, thoughtful said:

I have fallen even further behind on my Gary recapping, mostly because of a rough week with what I'm pretty sure was a food-borne illness. There's something wrong with my computer, as well. I'll see how I can do with my tired brain and lagging computer.

I was wondering if either Gary was being quiet or you were busy.  I would have recapped Gary, but, I didn't want to listen to him. 

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On 12/7/2021 at 2:45 AM, forgetmenow said:

Hope you're feeling better — food poisoning sucks 😢

 

On 12/7/2021 at 8:13 AM, EyesOpen said:

Hope you’re feeling better @thoughtful!

Thanks to you both, and to all who agreed under your posts. It has been a very rough week (plus). I still have a few mild symptoms, and am incredibly tired and weak.

But the computer is behaving, so I think I can finish up Gary's 10/29 nonsense. Luke 15:9:

KJV: And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.
BGV: And when she was had found it, she called her friends her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the pieces - the piece which I had lost.

Jesus is calling us to rejoice.

Basic preacher ranting and screaming follows - lots of -ah at the ends of phrases and words. Gary is into it - may be his mood, enhanced by "Thank you Jesus" man and the need to keep warm.

"Go to Romans chapter eleven, real quick-lahk."

Romans 11:28, KJV: As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election, they are beloved for the father's sakes.
BGV: As concerning the gospel, they are th'enemies for your sake. But as touching the elect, they are become - they - look at verses 29, ah got the wrong thing written down."

OK, "verses 29."

KJV:  For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.
BGV:  For the gift and calling of God.  Are without repentance.

"God's callin' for us to ripent."

That's what you got out of that verse, eh, Gary?

While screaming about how he can't do anything without Jesus, Gary ends with a triumphant "Ah need to ripent - of mah - unwickedness amen!"

The rest is a barrage of Garyslogans.

2 Corinthians 6:2, KJV: (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)
BGV: (For he. Said, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I susCURed thee: behold, NOW is accepted time; behold, NOW is the day - of salvation.)

"Listen, ev'body just today - ah've already told ya three requests today of people that have DAHED, t'pray fer their families listen hey an' ah'm onna say somethin' to ya, now these people that dahed, no ah don't know how that young lady was - uh uh Brother Ernie's family, but that prob'ly wasn't that old of a person, butchu know what? You don't haveta be old t'dah?"

Gary zooms through a list of lots of ages at which it is possible "t'dah." Then he turns on the spigot and spews some auto-pilot crap about today being the day to get saved.

Philippians 3:14, KJV:  I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
BGV:  I press toward the mark. Of the prahhhhze. Of the high calling. Of God  - in Chrise Jesus.

"Amanna tellya somethin' else He's callin' - it's a hah callin'."

:confusion-shrug:

While screaming about the high calling, Gary gets on the subject of preachers that get too big for their britches. He does his usual "not gonna say the name/town/state" pretending not to gossip routine, then says "A preacher of a Baptist church  was put in jail yesterday for being abusive to his family. Know what he done? He got too big for his britches."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+1%3A9&version=KJV

It's a holy calling.

"Today ah posted on Facebook an' you kin go lookit mah page, an ah put four or fahve things with P words, an' one of 'em was prayin', preachin', peculiar livin' . . . you remember the other two?"

Becky does not. Try John Shrader, Gary.

I don't know where that was, Gary, but it wasn't on your Facebook page, or the Hawkins Family Ministries Facebook page, on 10/29. Do you have another Facebook account?

Anyway, that's what's wrong with America. And he screams on for a while.

Hebrews 3:1, KJV:  Wherefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our profession, Christ Jesus;
BGV:  Wherefore, holy brethren. PARtakers of the holy calling, consider the Apostles and the High Priests of our profession, of Christ Jesus;

"How about a callin' of bein' partakers - of the Heavenly home?"

Gary screams about Heaven, making sure they know that he told his friend in Texas that his wife, who just died, is "kickin' up gold dust."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+19%3A11&version=KJV

"An' here's the part ah wanna git out of it - the calling of Jesus being faithful."

Gary also rattles of his beloved "except you be reptobate" verse, and the captions do this:

Spoiler

image.png.87470699a1415ae904f388c3cb0aac9e.png

He goes on, "You know He said He was gonna turn 'em over to a reptobate mind one day?"

Captions:

Spoiler

image.png.09084b490739e9f9b14ae2b6b95ac73c.png

 

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      Thanks to the menopause, I'm a sleep deprived hag.  Night sweats can do one!  Am waiting for a consultation with the GP for some HRT.
      · 10 replies
    • mango_fandango

      mango_fandango

      I just got a Christmas card in the post from my grandparents. They’re not the forgetful type, so Royal Mail must be really fucked right now.
      · 1 reply
    • feministxtian

      feministxtian

      I hate writing syllabi. Have to have the whole semester done by class time Tuesday (previous teacher did not write a syllabus). Also have to have their research paper assignment written up too. That'll be due around week 14 so I have time to read/grade them. Also have to refresh my own skills in a few areas. Oh well, at least they're paying me quite well for this. 
      · 1 reply
    • 47of74

      47of74

      And now it's Okona time on TNG!!!
       

      · 0 replies
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