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Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro


samurai_sarah

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The service on 9/9, at Bethel in King Ferry, where the piano is in its nest and all's right with the world, begins with singing, with a guitar (no nest - it's hard to play them that way) accompaniment.

Pastor Chris Howe asks Jacob to give the opening prayer, which he does succinctly (learn from the young, adult Baptist bloviators!). It's short enough that Gary only manages to get in one "Yes" near the end, and no orgasmic moaning.

I'm glad of that, because hearing Gary moaning "Oh, God, yes!" over his own son's voice might have broken something important in my brain.

The pastor asks "How many y'all tired tonight?" in the same way Gary usually asks if they're glad to be in church, which amuses me. But, of course, they are there to get their "batteries recharged."

Chris jokes that he has a confession to make - he didn't set his alarm, so he slept until 4:30 that morning. He says some crap about how all of the disasters in the world are signs of the Lord coming back soon.

He's ready to go, and mocks "the average church" by saying they'd probably never know the Rapture had come until they heard it on the news. A lot of people you think are Christians will compromise and fail.

More singing, then testimony. A woman got to meet her next-door-neighbors, and she invited them to church. That prompts Pastor Chris to talk about his old neighbors, and the ones that replaced them: "These houses had some, some uh, some signs up about the uh - the presidential candidate that lost, and some derogatory signs - flags hanging out, so, I think those folks have moved out."

We hear Gary laughing loudly.

Chris goes on to say something about a guy up the road who has a big flag with negative things on it about the current president, and how he thinks he should go see him some Saturday. Anyway, he's met the new neighbors, and their old church is far enough away that they might be coming to Bethel.

More testimony - a woman had some physical therapy for her back rescheduled to get it done sooner, is feeling much better, and talked to the doctor about God. A visitor from another church who witnessed at the state fair says that nine souls got saved.

They sing I'm in the Lord's Army, then When We See Christ.

Then Gary and his towel-wrapped Bible come up.

More later.

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10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:
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But, of course, the Baptist hangover is better than that other kind of hangover. When Gary goes to bed, he knows who he's "goin' to bed with, amen. And if she's thar when ah wake up, ah know who ah'll wake up with amen."

The low bar again huh, It's never occurred to me to brag  about being able to facially recognize the people I sleep with because I didn't realize it was supposed to be hard.

I'm sure Gary thinks it's difficult for people who drink. He may be imagining that, or he may have gotten drunk enough in his past to be the kind of guy who had no idea who he hopped into bed with.

 

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Well duh, it's the same difference as separating and separing.

Absolutely. Or is that Absolely?

I keep picturing David Haskell singing "Pre-preparate ye the way of the Lord."

Spoiler

 

 

7 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I wonder if he thinks live theater is just as bad as "I Love Lucy" on the television?

Much worse, probably.

7 hours ago, postscript said:

If I were sitting in church listening to Gary, “Preparating” as part of the title of his message would be enough to cause me to lose all respect for him. I have no problem with folksy idiom in a presentation. I’ve had professors who used their specific speech quirks to great advantage.

Yes, and I saw and heard no sign that Gary was making up a word on purpose, or joking about his own speech patterns (which he does, sometimes). I think he really thinks it's a "fancy" way of saying  - well, something like preparing, I guess.

7 hours ago, postscript said:

He loves his gory descriptions, to the extent they should come with a trigger warning.

I almost put some of that under a spoiler with a warning - I will in future, if he gets that disgusting again.

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I'm sure Gary thinks it's difficult for people who drink. He may be imagining that, or he may have gotten drunk enough in his past to be the kind of guy who had no idea who he hopped into bed with.

At my age, you simply can't wake up in Vegas married to a stranger every night.

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8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

I almost put some of that under a spoiler with a warning - I will in future, if he gets that disgusting again.

Thanks! I often read FJ during meals. I’ve learned not to check the Naugler board while I’m eating. Recently, Bro Gary has also been hard on the stomach. However, is so ridiculous he is always good for a laugh. 

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Gary thinks he's funny.  (Honestly, if there was an entity who claimed to be the devil, I think he'd just love Gary.)

1246496805_Screenshot(6389).png.6ceb0b5516cd5f2023316b857e6a0e63.png

The only funny thing is Andy's spelling.  Now I want to start using "gloray" myself.

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On 9/14/2021 at 3:44 AM, Jasmar said:

Jill rod begs to differ

I laughed out loud and them my brain went into a Rodrigues Family Singers At Calvary crossover and now I can't stop cringe-laughing. 

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He's ready to go, and mocks "the average church" by saying they'd probably never know the Rapture had come until they heard it on the news. A lot of people you think are Christians will compromise and fail.

Wild Christian Conspiracy Theory: covid-19 is the Rapture. I mean - look who's dying in droves right now, it's obviously targeting (unvaccinated)(self-identifying) Righteous Christians! And others of course, but I've never noticed a Christian Conspiracy Theory to be aware of anyone outside their bubble, so why start now?

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

That prompts Pastor Chris to talk about his old neighbors, and the ones that replaced them: "These houses had some, some uh, some signs up about the uh - the presidential candidate that lost, and some derogatory signs - flags hanging out, so, I think those folks have moved out."

We hear Gary laughing loudly.

Chris goes on to say something about a guy up the road who has a big flag with negative things on it about the current president, and how he thinks he should go see him some Saturday. Anyway, he's met the new neighbors, and their old church is far enough away that they might be coming to Bethel.

Way to separate church and state there. Also guessing he was equally as friendly with both sets of neighbours there to show Christ's love, right?

 

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The video from 9/9, at Bethel in King Ferry, where the piano gets a hug every day, continues with Gary reminding all that the end is coming, he thinks they don't have enough church, like people did in the old days, etc. - the usual.

He does his thank yous (not sure why, since this isn't the last night - again, maybe visitors were leaving that night), including thanking them for coming, saying "ya coulda been watchin' Ah Love Lucy, amen."

And he reminds them that he has a special message for Friday night, "not becawoosa me - becawoosa th'Lord." He reminds them that he was going to preach it last Sunday, but the Lord changed his mind.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+17%3A1-10&version=KJV

"Extablished" for established, and lots of small changes, but not too bad, for Gary.

Gary sounds hoarse, but still ramps himself up to yelling for no reason.

"Now here it is that the tahm that - an' an' God, God's been tellin' Abraham here it is, now he is nahny-nahn years old, Sarah is nahny years old, and He has promised them a chahld. Now y'know, that, He promised them a chahld way back, but they - uh, Sarah took it upon herself an' Abraham took it upon hisself to obey Sarah an' slept with his maiden an' then had a chahld, an' now we see where we at in a mess today, amen. Disobedience makes us (or mixes, I can't tell) in a big messss."

The child was Ishmael, and I assume that, in Gary's mind, the "mess" is the existence of Islam.

Gary yells some more about God promising Abraham a son, with an aside about driving to "Saracuse and meetin' up with Brother Don" (Gary, not God or Abraham), and says he "got to thinkin' about the promises of God. God keeps his promise, amen? He's never ever ever one tahm - ever broke any promise he's kept."

Well, that's true of all of us Gary, because, you see, if anyone keeps a - oh, never mind.

"Mah wahf's still a little ways from bein' nahny years old - sometimes she acts lahk she is, amen."

He goes on to say that, if his wife was 90, and came to him and said she was expecting, "Ah'd say 'Who's it - who's does it belong to, amen."

Um, Gary . . . oh, never mind.

God promises to bless us when we do right, but also to correct us if we do wrong. Gary is just a sinner saved by grace. Some preachers tell him he shouldn't say that, "'cause you a saint, not a sinner. Ah unnerstan' that, but mah outsahds is not a saint amen."

"See, they wanna say that we have polluted the earth, or maybe God has polluted the earth, or or or God has - or the sah-entists has poufed this into existencccce."

No, Gary, there is no "they" saying either of the latter two. Did you have a point?

And he does his usual bit about having seen enough of the US to know that scientists "could not do as good as God is." This gets words of assent from the congregation. Gary then says that everything was "poufed" into existence, when God made it happen.

And I have no idea what got him on that tangent. But he gets back to God's promises. Among the blahblahblah that follows, we hear that Becky woke up at 5:00 AM (and of course he comments that she almost "beat Chris" by doing so, as if waking up early is some sort of competition). She had a migraine, and had to stay in bed all day. Of course she came to church, though.

"Still isn't feelin' too good, she asked me t'be a little bit quiet, so ah'm not gonna be quite as loud tonaht, amen. Ah don't know if that's even possible amen, but uh, the promises of the Lord Jesus Christ He will promise you look in Proverbs chapter 28 real quick-lahk.

More later.

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49 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

And I have no idea what got him on that tangent. But he gets back to God's promises. Among the blahblahblah that follows, we hear that Becky woke up at 5:00 AM (and of course he comments that she almost "beat Chris" by doing so, as if waking up early is some sort of competition). She had a migraine, and had to stay in bed all day. Of course she came to church, though.

I don't wish migraines on anyone, but I hope Becky just has a migraine.  The Hawkins have been really lucky with their health so far.  I know the blood of Jesus is protecting them, but there is a limit to the amount of stupidity it can protect.

Edited by Joyster
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1 hour ago, Joyster said:

I don't wish migraines on anyone, but I hope Becky just has a migraine.  The Hawkins have been really lucky with their health so far.  I know the blood of Jesus is protecting them, but there is a limit to the amount of stupidity it can protect.

Yes, especially if she got up and came to church - much rather it was non-infectious!

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Becky has a history of migraines, for what that's worth, when we wonder whether the Hawkinses are a danger to others or not. Well, we know they're a danger to others - philosophically, financially and on the road - but I meant whether or not they are spreading disease.

Returning to the 9/9 message at Bethel, where Jesus is revered, but only the piano is on a pedestal.

Gary reads part of Proverbs 28:20: A faithful man shall abound with blessings

Gary goes right to listing his most beloved blessing - his F150 truck  - he asks them to pray for getting it back on the road, and tells them the whole story of the conversion van (which he said his cousin sold to him, he also says "the Indians" helped him fix it), all the way through to the current van (from "these Indians") and the trailer (and he makes sure to tell them how he told "the Indians" that he didn't dare leave any of his stuff with them).

That's right - Gary's great blessing is not his grandchild, his children, his wife, or even all of the food and lodging he thinks God gave him - vehicles. And, they all came from God.

We can hear rain outside the church, which gets louder and louder. Gary screams some more about God blessing the faithful, including bringing back his father's claim that he could go into a bank when he was young, and get a loan with "no collateral, no tahtle for a vehicle, no landmarks."  Gary has learned to say collateral - that's something.

Now, nobody trusts anybody, and Gary's not even sure the banks have any money any more, because the government's got all of it amen. The banks will go broke, the government will go broke, but God ain't gonna go broke.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A7-8&version=KJV

Gary misreads the very familiar first verse of this:

KJV: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
BGV: Ask, and it shall be given. Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be added unto you.

Gary rasps loudly about staying in your prayer closet, and women who used to put out their husband's best clothes every Sunday in the hopes the men would come to church someday.

A baby starts to cry, and continues off and on for a while.

Gary screams about how he got rebuked on Facebook "a couple months ago" for suggesting that people need to use the altars. "That's nothin' unusual for me amen - ah likes consoversy pretty good."

"If ah'm not mistaken, it was D. L. Moody that was walkin' across the street," and he tells the story of needing to stop in the middle of a Chicago street to pray away a bad thought.

I thought it was Spurgeon and it was London, but I could be wrong - google didn't help.

"Our country has lit'rilly gohn stupid."

"It ain't just New York - it's the whole single world!"

He whines about the guy who was invited to pray at a revival, and did 15 minutes of preaching, when there was someone waiting to preach.

The devil is always trying to attack - at the VBS in Groton, the devil made the fuel pump go out.

Pray, pray, pray.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A1&version=KJV

Another promise - God's in control.

The new governor of NY thinks she's in control, but God prevented Obama from doing a lot of things, and He'll prevent her, and Biden (who, according to Gary is destroying our country, giving us away and selling us out), from doing things.

"Ahzayah says that even the governor is ohn His shouldersssssss."

Noah built the ark because "God said 'Ah'm sicka this mess, ah'm tahred of it, ah wanna kill everybody' hey an' He did! An' He's gonna do it agin."

He shrieks his disdain for psychiatrists - well, he still doesn't know the word, but the mention of the couch tips me off.

While yelling about not worrying about making a living, he brings up the church that he claimed wanted him to be their pastor. This time he says Becky thought he should consider pastoring a church, for security. But Gary said they'd be in the same situation whether pastoring or evangelizing, if the government started shutting down churches. "Ah don't know if she's still frettin' about it, she ain't told me nothing about it."

Would it make any difference if she said anything, Gary?

Gary says he can talk about Joe Bahden, and his son can even do an impression of him. He mocks Biden's stutter, and claims he never knows what he's saying. But Gary's "not worried about Joe Bahden, other than he needs to be saved."

Gary won't be your enemy or "talk bad about you" if you want to "go along with the system, an' take the vaccine." "Ah'll think you a little bit strange, but that's OK, most people think ah'm strange, amen."

"But if ah don't take the shot, don't talk bad about me. Because wha?" And he goes on to proudly tell them how he never "takes" any vaccines. His body belongs to God, and he wants to obey God with it.

Where in the Bible does it say not to use preventive medicine, Gary?

After some more screaming, and one of many iterations of "Am ah makin' sense tonaht?" he says "Look in verses 16. Ah mean chapter 16 - chapter 14, verse 16."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

The comforter stuff follows. He talks about people in nursing homes who want company, and how he went with a pastor to visit someone in one (couldn't wiggle out of that one, eh, Gary?). He goes on about this poor woman and how nobody comes to visit her.

Hey, Gary, you have parents, and your mother has been chronically ill for a long time. You never even mention her, let alone visit.

He screams for a while about how sometimes, no matter how much your loved ones love you, you need The Comforter.

As much as I hate to give Mike Lindell ideas for merchandise, I think he's missing an opportunity. He sells Bible story pillowcases, after all.

Spoiler

image.thumb.png.42aa00e32e0e0157df996ce48794716b.png

or perhaps:

Spoiler

image.png.6aa94a30304bb6782e31a93d6929e683.png

While telling us that Daniel only had The Comforter in the lions' den, Gary gives away a bit about his childhood TV watching - right in rhythm, he says something about "Lions or tahgers or bears, amen."

Spoiler

 

Gary tries to describe the "footprints" image, which he says was a sign, and that he didn't really care for it at first. It took me a few listens to make sure he was calling it "a little poem thing or whatever," and not "a little porn thing."

He says "It was four - it was two sets of footprintssss. An' after a little whahl you get to seein' that there was only one set of footprint. Ya say 'Wha?' Because you couldn't  make it, God hadta comfort you and touch you."

Hey, other than not knowing the difference between a sign and a poster, and missing the whole point (the verb you were looking for was "carry," Gary - "tote" would have worked, if you wanted to be all country boy about it - and you missed the part about the person thinking that Jesus had deserted them), he did a fine job!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+3%3A13-14&version=KJV

KJV: Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
BGV: Brethren, I count not myself to have opry-hended: but this one thing I do forget things  - forget those things which're behind, and reach forth unto those things which are before you

I believe "opry-hending is what you do to get an autograph from a country singer.

Gary blathers about serving. Gary claims that when God called him, he argued with Him. I guess God showed him how he could never have to work a day in his life, or be responsible for a house, again.

If God can use Brother Mike in a wheelchair, or Moses with his stutter, or Gary, he can use you.

More later - this is a long one!

Edited by thoughtful
proofreading missed some things
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That was perfect, @thoughtful!  And I'm loving the Jesus comforter and the Shroud of Turin blanket.  That's one way to scare off house guests.

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That Shroud of Turin blanket and pillow set looks like Jesus decided to lay down for a snooze. I don’t think I could sleep in that after seeing his head peering up from the pillows. 

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Anyone ask Gary if he’s been to a feed store lately for some horse dewormer? God’s body doesn’t want a vaccine but farm animal medicine is great 🙄 and please don’t tell my family this is the rapture. they’ll go out and purposefully try and get it. They’ll be having rapture / covid parties. They love Jesus and conspiracies lots and lots. They don’t like to ACT like Jesus. They only like the white christian nationalism version.
Jesus weeps.

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Gary tries to describe the "footprints" image, which he says was a sign, and that he didn't really care for it at first. It took me a few listens to make sure he was calling it "a little poem thing or whatever," and not "a little porn thing."

He says "It was four - it was two sets of footprintssss. An' after a little whahl you get to seein' that there was only one set of footprint. Ya say 'Wha?' Because you couldn't  make it, God hadta comfort you and touch you."

Hey, other than not knowing the difference between a sign and a poster, and missing the whole point (the verb you were looking for was "carry," Gary - "tote" would have worked, if you wanted to be all country boy about it - and you missed the part about the person thinking that Jesus had deserted them), he did a fine job!

 

MOO it is totally in character that Gary is concerned about these posters. It makes perfect sense that this story would bother him and if you ask Gary it might as well be porn. Just LOOK at this... 

image.png.1d0855d832bdb477493113c202435327.png

Spoiler

1. carrying an adult invariably involves some indelicate bodily contact

2. Jesus hangs out on the BEACH and his feet are NAKED. What else is he wearing?

 

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On 9/14/2021 at 8:01 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary yells some more about God promising Abraham a son, with an aside about driving to "Saracuse and meetin' up with Brother Don"

Please, Bro, for the love of everything holy, stay away from “Saracuse.”

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