Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 34

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"You're The Worst"

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I do not believe it. I don’t believe the most recent ratings by historians for C-SPAN that Donald Trump is ONLY the fourth worst president in our nation’s history. While Trump can’t beat President Joe Biden, or Hillary Clinton either to be honest, for the presidency, he also couldn’t beat James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, and Franklin Pierce for worst president ever. Make no mistakes about it, Buchanan, Johnson, and Pierce are horrible presidents…and so is Donald Trump.

Saying Donald Trump is only the fourth worst is like saying the New York Jets are only the fourth-worst football team, or the Dallas Cowboys are only the fourth most-evil team, or Domino’s only makes the fourth-worst pizza, or Cop Rock was only the fourth-worst TV show, or any of the Kardashians is only the fourth-worst Kardashian, or Stephen Baldwin is the fourth-worst Baldwin brother, or Ben Garrison is only the fourth-worst racist political cartoonist, or Nickelback is only the fourth-worst band, or car warranty pitches are only the fourth-worst spam calls, or Chris Berman is only the fourth-worst sportscaster, or Tucker Carlson is only the fourth-worst conspiracy theorist with a prime-time show, or Westboro Baptist Church fuckers are only the fourth-worst fundamentalists, or Crocs are only the fourth-worst shoe, or moray eels are only the fourth-worst thing to slither up your pipes while you’re on the toilet, or Arkansas is only the fourth-worst yee-haw state for your car to break down in, or Ted Cruz is only the fourth ugliest thing to ever slime out from underneath a wet rock, or Rand Paul’s hair is only ranked fourth-worst place to build a bird nest, or Matt Gaetz is only the fourth-worst guy to take your daughter to prom, or a flaming bag of shit is only the fourth worst thing to find on your porch, or Jared Kushner is only the fourth-worst guy to ever commit treason with WhatsApp, or herpes is only the forth-worst venereal disease, or Eric Trump is only the fourth-worst Trump offspring, or Betsy DeVos was only the fourth-worst Trump cabinet member, or Cats! is only the fourth-worst movie about cats, or actual cats are only the fourth-worst kind of pet to have (they are terrorists and you literally have to keep a box of shit in your home which is also needed if Stephen Baldwin comes over. If he does, ask to see his Hannah Montana tattoo. Seriously).

Our nation has had 46 presidents. Two of them had presidencies too short to be ranked, which gives us 44 to grade. You would really have to suck hard to come in at 44, which James Buchanan must have done. Why did Buchanan come in last place? He came in last for his inaction during the lame-duck period between the 1860 presidential election and the inauguration of our highest ranking president. Buchanan was pro-slavery and after the election, argued for the constitutionality of slavery while saying southern states didn’t have a right to secede. Buchanan sucked so much, his suckiness was the one thing the north and south could agree on. They were about to kill each other over whether it was wrong to own a human being or not, but could share a beer that Buchanan was the suckiest suck who has ever sucked. He upset northerners by saying southerners had the right to own slaves and that the government couldn’t legally stop southerners from seceding (Texans still think that way), while also saying the south didn’t have the right to secede. So yeah, he was a really bad president. He sat back and watch the nation tear itself apart and launch into a civil war. But still, he never organized a terrorist attack on Congress to establish himself as a dictator.

Andrew Johnson ranks next to last. He was the successor to our best president. Lincoln’s tenure was bookended by the two of our worst presidents. He had a tough act to follow, but following Lincoln is no excuse for allowing Night Riders to terrorize millions of former slaves. Johnson was a Democrat in a Republican administration. He was given power by the Republican Party, who at that time was the liberal party, and spent his entire administration fighting them over readmitting southern states, reconstruction, and voting rights for former slaves. It’s been claimed that Johnson started his presidency by being drunk during his inauguration. Johnson was even impeached. Eventually, the Supreme Court ruled that Johnson had the legal authority to do what the House impeached him for. I don’t think Trump will be saved in a similar manner. But still, Johnson was only impeached once.

By the way, in case you’re wondering where Lyndon Johnson landed, he came in at 11…and this is a guy who used to conduct cabinet meetings while on the toilet. That to me is nearly as bad as tiki-torch Nazis.

Franklin Pierce is our third-worst. A northern Democrat, he tried to expand slavery into the west through Kansas and Nebraska. He even tried to expand slavery into a botched plan in annexing that territory. He also sat by and watched the nation tear itself apart leading to the Civil War. His Secretary of War was a fellow named Jefferson Davis. Pierce was considered a bad president during his own tenure by his own party, who refused to re-nominate him for the presidency. During the Civil War, Pierce spent his time criticizing the administration of Abraham Lincoln. But nearly 160 years later, you see which president is ranked at the top and which is near the bottom. Pierce was a horrible president, but they say he at least left a nice portrait. We haven’t seen Donald Trump’s official portrait, but the only way it’ll be nice is if it doesn’t look like Donald Trump.

They say decades need to pass before historians can fully evaluate a presidency, and time can improve a legacy. Ulysses S. Grant was ranked 33 a decade ago but today, he’s at 20. He’s moving on up and in a few more decades, he may finally get that deluxe apartment in the sky. But I don’t think you need decades to pass to rank a guy at the very bottom who said good people march with Nazis.

Donald Trump’s very first act as president was to send his spokesgoon out to lie about crowd sizes. During his inauguration, he spoke of American carnage…then gave us American carnage. The man grifted every cent he could off the presidency. He attacked democratic allies and praised dictators. He attacked NATO and the G7 while staging photo-ops with Kim Jong Un. He took a Russian leader’s lie over facts from his own intelligence agencies. He attacked service members and said POWs weren’t heroes. He attempted to place a summit at one of his resorts and tried to get a major golf tournament at another. He told the world HE was open for business and collected profits from diplomats staying at his resorts and hotels. He installed his stupid children into his administration. He made very racist comments and gave shout-outs to white nationalist terrorists. He retweeted Nazis and other assorted white supremacists. He ignored a pandemic that has so far killed over 500,000 Americans, for which he blamed China while telling us to drink bleach.

Finally, he declared the election he lost as one filled with fraud, tried to get state officials to overturn their elections and “find” ballots for him, refused to concede or allow a peaceful transfer of power, and then ordered an attack on Congress to stop the certification of the election.

Donald Trump is a failed excuse for a human being. He’s more of a collection of bad personality traits than he is an actual human being. The man consists of nothing but racist and sexist comments, orange pancake batter, pee-yellow hair dye, and Big Macs. There shouldn’t have even been a contest for the 44th worst…only the other 43 spots (if you include Biden in your rankings). The committee that got together should have spent more time with their lunch menu than deciding the worst president.

Any historian who fails to rank Donald Trump as the utmost worst president in the history of our nation…is probably the Donald Trump of historians. You suck.

 

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"Billionaires In Space"

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When you see bored billionaires spending their money to go into space or say they didn’t know taxes were supposed to be paid on fringe benefits like cars, apartments, and tuition, you know we need to raise taxes on these rich-ass bastards.

American billionaires Jeff Bezos, South African/Canadian/American (make up your mind) billionaire Elon Musk, British rich bastard Richard Branson, and Russian/Israeli miser Yuri Milner are all fucking around with space. I predict, like their fellow rich alum Thurston Howell III, one of these rich fuckos is going to be end up stranded on an island.

When you are spending $100 million to build a giant laser to shoot silicon microchips into space to see if an alien will catch one of them, you may have too much money on your hands. That’s what Yuri Milner is up to. This isn’t as much scientific research as it is an expensive hobby. What’s he going to do next? Shoot up small dogs to see if they can bark in space? Milner is one of the poorest billionaires in this race with his wealth estimated somewhere between $3-$4 billion.

Elon Musk’s company, SpaceX, plans to colonize Mars, but before they get that on, he’s going to use his craft, Starship (good job with the naming, guys) to fly into space, open a door, and scoop up space litter, which is probably less hazardous than scooping kitty litter. Each launch of Starship will cost around $2 million. Elon is worth around $150 billion.

Jeff Bezos, who is worth about $187 billion, isn’t just entering the space tourism industry. He’s planning to shoot his own ass into space. Bezos is planning to launch on July 20 on board the New Shepard, the rocket ship made by his space company, Blue Origin. Bezos auctioned off a seat as well, with the price at $28 million. This trip is expected to last 11 minutes while Amazon can’t deliver new kitty litter within 11 days (HURRY!!!). You can probably go to an arcade and find one of those little rocket ship-shaped rides for toddlers that can shake your ass for 11 minutes for about 50 cents.

Richard Branson is poor compared to Bezos and Musk, but he’s about to beat all of them into space. He’s scheduled to lift off on board the VSS Unity, his ship built by his space tourism company, Virgin Galactic. One person has already been killed by Branson’s space hobby.

Then you have Donald Trump, the poorest of these billionaires, and unfortunately, isn’t being shot off to another planet. Trump claims he’s worth $10 billion but since everything that comes out of his mouth is like a litter box after your cat ate Indian food, he’s lying. Trump’s worth is probably closer to $2 billion. In the past, Trump has told us his taxes are too complicated for us to understand, yet during a recent rally, he displayed he doesn’t understand taxes. After his corporation and chief financial officer were charged for tax crimes, he said, “They go after good, hard-working people for not paying taxes on a company car. You didn’t pay tax on the car or a company apartment. You used an apartment because you need an apartment because you have to travel too far where your house is. You didn’t pay tax. Or education for your grandchildren. I don’t even know. Do you have to? Does anybody know the answer to that stuff?”

Yes, Tiny. You’re supposed to pay taxes on gifts. Pretty much everybody knows the answer “to this stuff.” The guy who has been hiding his tax returns for years and told us he knows taxes better than anyone, is asking if people have to pay taxes on expensive items. He also admitted to the crime. Oops. Maybe Donald Trump is trying to land in court before his billionaire compadres take off for space.

Trump is trying to get his poor, food-stamp-spending, white nationalist cult upset that rich people are being forced to pay taxes. And it’ll probably work. I mean, these fuckers are already upset over a single black mother collecting $200 a month to feed her baby, and aren’t even aware that Boeing receives over $13 billion a year in taxpayer subsidies.

I’m a big fan of raising taxes on the rich, and I’m a bigger fan of going after them for when they avoid paying taxes.

Donald Trump only paid $700 in taxes for some years while also engaging in shady tax schemes. Last year, Jeff Bezos tax rate was 0.98 percent. His company, Amazon, didn’t pay any taxes.

I propose we raise taxes on all these billionaires and rub their faces in used kitty litter.

I love how TFG's capsule is named "USS Spacegroper".

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