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Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 34


GreyhoundFan

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"Tucker Hates Our Troops"

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For his latest commentary on the military, Tucker Carlson relied on his vast military experience. Oh, I’m sorry. He relied on his vast Swiss boarding school experience.

I lied. His experience with Swiss boarding schools isn’t vast. He was kicked out. Apparently, he was too white. I hope that didn’t enrage him.

)Tucker has attended at least two private schools and and one private college where he was a member of the Dan White Society, named after the (white) guy who assassinated San Francisco supervisor Harvey Milk and mayor George Moscone. Tucker is not a veteran of the military. No, Tucker is a trust-fund baby who grew up with beach views in the shadows of country club tennis courts. But, don’t worry. He has opinions of our military he’s very eager to share.

During a House Armed Services Committee hearing, General and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mark Milley, said he wished to explore the area of academia that looks into the intersection of race and law. During this hearing, he schooled and embarrassed Representative (sic) Matt Gaetz who was asking about the military “embracing” Critical Race Theory. Gaetz hasn’t been spanked this hard since the last time he paid a teenage girl through Venmo after flying her across state lines to do it.

General Milley said to Gaetz, “I do think it’s important. actually, for those of us in uniform to be open-minded and be widely read. And the United States Military Academy is a university. And it is important that we train and we understand — I want to understand white rage, and I’m white — and I want to understand it. So, what is it that caused thousands of people to assault this building and tried to overturn the Constitution of the United States of America? What caused that? I want to find that out.”

Gaetz was shaking his head the entire time…or it was a side effect after accidentally taking roofies shaped like Bam-Bam.

Milley said he was offended the U.S. military was being accused of “being ‘woke’ or something else” for studying theories that exist.

Wouldn’t you want the military to understand…stuff? When we fought the Nazis in World War II, don’t you think political and military leaders read Mein Kampf to try to understand who we were fighting? Don’t you think a lot of Jews have read the same book trying to understand any of that mindset?

Late night host and comedian Seth Meyers said, ““The GOP used to accuse anyone who opposed their wars of not supporting the troops and now they’re accusing the troops of being too woke. Soon they’re going to start accusing SEAL Team 6 of committing voter fraud.”

It’s so funny that when an athlete kneels during the playing of the national anthem before a game, white conservatives claim it’s disrespecting our military and scream in a rage, “Fire that sonofabitch.” But when a white conservative, who is not a veteran, does it, he’s defending our values or some shit like that.

Since Matt Gaetz is a sycophantic troglodyte with a lifetime membership in the racist Trump cult, Tucker felt it was up to him to defend the racist congressman who enjoys sharing nude photos of girls on the House floor. Guys who share the same extra-small condom size need to stick together.

Tucker accused the general of levying “an attack against people on the basis of their skin color.” If you attack Nazis, will Tucker go after you for attacking them on the basis of their skin color? Maybe, because the general was talking about terrorists.

“White rage is not a medical condition. It’s not even a legitimate academic theory. It doesn’t exist,” Tucker said in a full-on rage.

The irony continued to escape Tucker that he, a trust-fund baby boarding-school white guy was defending white rage on the favorite show of Oath Keepers, Proud Boys, Neo Nazis, the Klan, the MAGA cult, Cheesecake Factory enthusiasts, people who say “anywho,” Ted Nugent, Scott Baio, and other assorted white nationalists. With a name like Tucker, your credibility on racial matters is about as good as that of guys named Brett, Jared, Todd, Colin, Dirk, Biff, Brad, Bryce, Landon, Tripp, Chase, Garrett, Thad, Preston, Chip, Paxton, Scooter (that guy got beat up a lot), or Chaz. If your parents named you Chaz, fuck you, Chaz. Your parents had every intention of you growing up to be a Docker-wearing certifiable douchebag. It’s like having the last name DeVille and naming your daughter Cruella…then being surprised she likes spotted fur coats.

Tucker, who was raised to be douchey and wear bowties, raged on and said, “White rage is a racial attack. So here you have the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in a congressional hearing leveling a race attack against American citizens, the guy who’s supposed to be protecting our country.” American citizens, who were 99 percent white and terrorists.

“That is disgraceful. It’s disqualifying. It’s without precedent,” Carlson said. Jesus, you’d think the General was trying to make it harder for white people to vote or legalize running over MAGAts with your car. Trust me. Nobody is trying to make it legal to run over MAGAts with cars. I’ve looked into it.

Fox fucker Tucker went on to say, “We shouldn’t have a chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff who attacks Americans based on their skin color. It’s disgusting.”

So, why is Tucker’s show the top-rated show for Nazis?

This show was Tucker doubling-down from a previous show where he called the Joint Chiefs chairman “stupid” and “a pig,” adding Milley got his job because “he knows who to suck up to.” I’m sure Tucker got his job at Fox News based on his impeccable credentials as a journalist.

Tucker carried on about the General and said, “Hard to believe that man wears a uniform. He’s just that unimpressive. Notice he never defined white rage.” Tucker, he did define white rage. Except, you think that definition was a bunch of tourists visiting the Capitol.

White rage also comes from the fear of losing your white privilege. Tucker’s privilege of being raised as a douchey trust-fund boarding school baby is a privilege stacked on top of his white privilege.

CNN’s Brianna Keilar (I love her) pointed out that Tucker’s show is another definition of white rage.

Keilar said, “Milley is not immune from criticism, but look at the stripes on his sleeve. Ten of them, we counted. Each one of those overseas service bars is six months deployed. That is five years. That is more time than Tucker Carlson spent at his probably third-choice boarding school.”

She added, “Tucker Carlson didn’t serve. His biggest achievement is having nine lives in the world of cable news, making a bowtie famous, and getting away with promoting conspiracy theories night after night after night.”

If you’re a white conservative and Brianna Keilar’s comments enrage you, good news. There’s a term for that.

 

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"Ivanka's Daddy"

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If you support right-wing troglodyte asshole policies and you live in New York City, you’re not entirely on an island by yourself (See what I did there? Four of the five boroughs are literally on islands). There are plenty of Republicans in NYC. Unfortunately, those assholes are mostly in Staten Island. If you’re a Manhattan socialite who loves living high up in a tower where you can look down on everyone else, you do not want to go to Staten Island.

When you look at a map of New York City, you might wonder why Staten Island isn’t a part of New Jersey. It’s closer to New Jersey than it is to the rest of the city it belongs to. It’s the only borough without subways. It’s also the only borough that voted for Donald Trump which would explain why there are no subways. Nobody from the rest of the city wants to go there. Not even the C.H.U.D.s. And with the reputation Javanka, now knowns as “MAGA Non Grata,” built for itself as part of the Trump reign of terror, even the C.H.U.D.s won’t want to be seen with Javanka, also referred to as, “JaWannabe.”

Now there are news reports Ivanka, often called, “Bullshit Barbie,” and her husband, who New Yorkers affectionately refer to as “Skinnyman,” are trying to rehabilitate their image. It would be greatly beneficial to Javanka, nicknamed, “Dumbshit Barbie and Ken,” if we could all just pretend everything it did for the Trump administration never happened. Let’s start with Jared Kushner, who the Lincoln Project dubbed, “Secretary of Failure,” solving and bringing peace to the Middle East. That’s an easy one to remember that never happened. Jared was also referred to as “Princess Daisy Cakes.”

Remember when Donald Trump, often called, “Angry Creamsicle” ripped families apart after they crossed the border, wouldn’t allow them to ask for asylum or refugee status, and threw the babies into cages? Remember when during that time, Ivanka, commonly referred to as, “Princess Sedition,” tweeted a photo of herself and her baby with the caption, “I love Sunday mornings”? Yes, let’s forget that tone-deafness ever happened.

Remember when Ivanka, often called, “Ivanka the Terrible,” criticized Roy Moore, nicknamed “Food-Court Valentino,” for his past of trying to pick up teenage girls? Remember afterward, Daddy Donald, commonly referred to as, “Amnesty Don,” expressed huge support for the accused pedophile? Remember Ivanka, often called “Ivanka Antoinette (let them eat coronavirus)” not saying anything else on the matter? Never happened.

Remember when Ivanka, “Nepotism Barbie,” expressed support for the 24 women her claimed her father, “Gropey McGroperson,” either groped or raped them? Remember how Ivanka, “Silicone Barbie,” spoke out against her father, “Orange Julius,” over the grab-them-by-the-pussy tape? Just pretend she never spoke out about those instances because she really never did speak out. Remember how Ivanka, “Swamp Mistress,” promised to be a champion of issues important to women while she was in the White House?

It’s not just the past for years they want you to forget. They want you to stop paying attention to what’s happening now. They don’t want to be associated with the election lies being told by Daddy Trump, affectionally called “Orange Shitweasel,” “Hair Fuhrer,” “Adolf Twitler,” “Baby Fingers,” “Tiny,” “Diaper Don,” “Blitzkrieg Bozo,” “Boiled Ham In A Wig,” “Boldfinger,” “Bumbledore,” “Butternut Squash,” Captain Chaos,” “Cheeto Mussolino,” “Cinnamon Hitler,” “Creep Throat,” “Donald Tax Duck,” “Failed Mail-Order Meat Salesman,” “Reality Cheaty,” “Fascist Oompa Loompa,” “Fuckface Von Clownstick,” “Grandpa Fucko,” “Groper-in-Chief,” “Godzilla but with less foreign policy experience,” “Mussolini’s Taint,” “Screaming Carrot Demon,” “Twitler,” and “GropenFuhrer.”

Donald Trump, who some people call, “Cheddar Boy,” keeps talking about how the election was stolen from him and he’ll be reinstated in August. That is so crazy, even tone-deaf Javanka, who’s been called, “The Nordic Goddess and The Norwegian Wood Inducer,” doesn’t want to be seen in that photo-op.

Ivanka, “Little Miss Ice Princess,” went on every foreign trip her father, who I’ve heard called, “Dickhead Donald, took while he was president (sic), took. She wanted to be treated like royalty and have as much of the presidential (gag!) privileges rub off on her. She got to sit at tables with world leaders. She even sat in the president’s seat, not his lap, at summits. She got to huddle with diplomats over international issues and pretend like she knew what everyone was talking about. She got to stick her toe into North Korea just to say she’s been there. Javanka, also called, “Children of the Orange Corn,” got the opportunity to meet the Queen of England and to make sure it was seen in the windows of Buckingham Palace, which was creepier than the twins from The Shining. But now, Javanka, “Creatures of the Orange Lagoon,” don’t want to play with Donald, “White House Wanker,”…or at least be seen when they are. Give them at least a little credit for barely visiting Mar-a-Lago these days.

Did I mention they loved the royal treatment? Before leaving Washington, Daddy Trump, adoringly called, “Cheez Doodle,” made sure to extend their Secret Service protection for another six months. Why should the taxpayers stop paying for someone to open doors for Javanka, who are also called the “Shirkalocks”? Then, not wanting to be associated with Daddy Trump, “Orange Shithead Sultan,” anymore, Javanka promptly moved to Florida with him. Why didn’t it return to NYC? You know Jared, often referred to as, “Jar-Jar Jared,” still owns property there because while he worked in the White House, his buildings, like the one with the address “666,” were being financially bailed-out by oil-rich kingdoms in the Middle East. By the way, Middle East princesses would call Jared, “Finger Puppet.”

There are also reports Donald, “Herr Lugenpresse,” is jealous of Jared, also nicknamed, “FratsPutin.” No, not for that reason, you sicko perverts….well, maybe that too. But, no. Donald, often called, “Money Diaper McStupid,” jealous because Jared, whose Secret Service codename was, “Fluffy,” got a seven-figure book deal to write about his experience of helping Donald Trump, who the Brits call, “Tangerine Wankmaggot,” trash the nation for four years. Why doesn’t anyone want to pay Donald, who the Brits also call, “Witless Fucking Cocksplat,” to gaslight about the past four years?

Javanka, who many call, “Girlfriend #1 and Girlfriend #2,” wants the world to see they’re not totally bad people and for other rich people to invite them to play at the Hamptons again. They would like to visit parts of NYC that’s NOT Staten Island. Has Javanka, both born and raised in the city but often called, “Nepotism Nitwits,” ever been to Staten Island? Has Donald, “Shitler,” ever been there?

Javanka, “Polite Society Pariahs,” is trying to rehab its image. It’s even donating a week of lunches to the first responders to the collapsed condo in Miami which is only a block from its new house which it moved into after helping Trump, “Tiny-Fingered, Cheeto-Faced, Ferret-Wearing Shitgibbon,” trash the nation. Helping with something AFTER it’s collapsed is a total new experience for Javanka, who some call “Cuddlepuss.” Helping with something that’s collapsed instead of making it do so is truly a wonderful thing to…wait a minute.

Javanka, “Thing 1 and Thing 2,” live only one block from the collapsed condo? One block? That’s amazing and I’d like to point out one little factoid:

That condo never collapsed before Javanka, “spoiled rich little trust-fund babies,” moved into the neighborhood. I’m not saying we can totally blame Javanka, soon to be referred to as “inmate #167834” and “inmate 239876,”. I’m just saying.

 

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"Fun With Founding Fathers"

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The moral standard our founding fathers set out for us to achieve was one they didn’t want to apply for themselves. It took 86 years after the signing of the document that declared “all men are created” equal for us to end slavery, though a lot of slaves weren’t aware of it at the time. It took 94 years after the signing of that document before our nation gave the right to vote for black Americans, at least on paper. It took 144 years before our nation gave women the right to vote. It took four decades after passing the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote, to pass the Voting Rights Act because all the racist fucks in the south weren’t listening when the right to vote for black Americans was passed in 1870.

Republicans in the House of Representatives who voted against Juneteenth becoming a federal holiday cited concerns our nation is dividing independence. June 19, 1865, is the date some black Americans in Texas were informed they were no longer slaves. June 19, 1865, is literally the day of independence for many Americans. If you’re Tucker Carlson, not you.

Conservatives are worried we’ll have two independence days. Except, we do have two independence days. July 4th was NOT independence day, a day of freedom, for a large segment of our population. We fought the British for our freedom…OK, freedom for some of us. Conservatives arguing that every American should solely focus on July 4th as our day of independence is like wondering why can’t Jews just forget about Hanukkah and Celebrate Christmas? On a side note: I was raised Christian (duh!), but I have a Christmas tradition of ordering Chinese food.

What Republicans fear is we will finally teach stuff like there being two independence days, or about the fact the second time we fought the British, that nation freed over 4,000 American slaves. It was the largest emancipation of American slaves until the Civil War…and they weren’t freed by white Americans. Our national anthem (the song many black American athletes kneel during as a sign of protest, which angers conservatives) was partially written to bitch about slaves joining England to fight against the nation that enslaved them. It’s a very racist song. It’s almost as if it was written by David Allen Coe.

Here’s another historical factoid: The national anthem plagiarized a British song written by a composer named John Stafford Smith. Francis Scott Key took a British song, changed the lyrics, and made it into a ditty about fighting the British. Who knew Francis Scott Key was the Kid Rock of 1814? Also, isn’t it nationalism to play the song before sporting events? I mean, it literally has the word “national” in the title. But “National Anthem” is a much better title than, “A Country Boy Will Survive.”

Conservatives want you to hear them scream about black people protesting against a racist song, without you ever knowing it’s a racist song. But in their defense, they don’t understand what makes the song racist? No, not the lyrics, “we can skin a buck, and run a trotline.” I’m back on the national anthem. White conservatives don’t want you to know about a second day of independence. If Republicans had their way, black history would be buried, just like they succeeded in burying the Tulsa Massacre for a century.

Also, I just looked up “trotline,” and for years, I thought that song said “trout line.” But no, it’s “trotline.” What’s a trotline? It’s for crabbing. Country boys have crabs. Who knew?

On July 4th, expect conservatives to bring up Juneteenth, and how today, we’re celebrating America’s “real” independence day. Aw, crap. Did I just give Tucker his entire layout for his July 4th show? My bad.

The funniest thing about Republicans trying to dictate which history is taught, and fighting so hard to make sure the only history taught is white history, is they really suck at history.

Creative note: This cartoon had already been proofread when my padwan, Alexandra Bowman, messaged me over something else and I showed her what I was working on. She loved the “nay” and threw, “Mine gentlefolks” at me. After that, I could not live without “mine gentlefolks” in this cartoon. Alexandra is a student at Georgetown, where she leads a comedy show, and has worked for the Lincoln Project, Our Daily Planet, and has hosted podcasts. She is a cartoonist who engages in other forms of satire. She even had the distinct honor at 19 years of age of being attacked by Breitbart. She also just won a bunch of awards for being awesome about something creative. She’s going places so keep your eye on her. I’m nice to her now because I’m hoping after she’s really famous, she’ll give me a job.

Second creative note: The screed in my “declaration” started as one sentence…then I wrote another, and another, and another until it turned into a rambling off-the-rails screed.

 

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This is excellent:

 

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