Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 33

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[AnywhereButHere]

[ADoyle90815]

[Black Aliss]

[GreyhoundFan]

I love Cecily’s take on Judge Box O’ Whine:

 

Edited May 23, 2021 by GreyhoundFan

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"Swarming Arizona"

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A lot of stupid crazy shit goes down in Arizona. People look at the fake audit by a fake security firm owned by Republicans and say, “Only in Arizona.” I don’t think that’s fair. Sure, crazy shit happens in Arizona that wouldn’t happen in most other places…but it’s not fair to say, “Only in Arizona.” It’s not fair to Florida.

Florida was doing crazy recount shit before it was cool. Florida is old-school crazy. Back in 2000, Florida upheld the national election and only stopped recounting when the Supreme Court told them too, which made George W. Bush president. Don’t you remember hanging chads?

Arizona and Florida have reputations for not being the best of us. In the excellent TV show, “The Good Place,” the very stupid character, Jason, is from Jacksonville. Jason has quotes like, “Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed,” and, “I’m telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” After delivering one of his stupid comments, Eleanor says, “Are you from Florida?” Eleanor is from Arizona. She’s the one who’s most ethically-challenged.

Some of Eleanor’s best quotes are, “Anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you,” “Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”, “How dare she steal the identity I stole?”, “I was a good person for six months. That’s like five years” and, “Ya’ basic.”

But, Arizona…compared to Florida, ya’ basic. Florida has “Florida Man.” Florida has Matt Gaetz. Roger Stone moved to Florida. Donald Trump moved to Florida. Sure, Arizona has Arizona State, but Florida has Jacksonville. It’s said that people move to Florida to die, but they have to lose their minds along the way.

One thing crazy stupid-ass fucknut states have in common is that they typically vote Republican. Crazy, stupid-ass fucknut states were all ripe and fertile territory to become Kool-Aid-drinking Trump cult breeding grounds. Look at Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, South Carolina, and Missouri. These states are the least educated and the most dependent on government assistance. But Arizona and Georgia are two states moving away from that.

Arizona and Georgia are two red states that flipped from Trump to President Biden. Florida is a state that went for President Clinton twice, President Obama twice, then Donald Trump twice. Florida regressed. It elected racist Ron DeSantis its governor and his approval ratings are at 55 percent. This is a guy who signed a bill making it legal to run over black protesters. That’s not legal in Arizona.

Arizona is going blue. It now has two Democratic senators in addition to voting for Biden. But Republicans are not going without a fight. They’re doing a fake audit of Maricopa County, the largest county in the state.

A judge gave the Republican Party the right to a recount, but where the people counting are only Republicans. Florida is impressed. The firm conducting the recount is operated by members of the Trump cult and it has ZERO experience conducting recounts or having any business with elections. Oh yeah…the firm, Cyber Ninjas, is from…wait for it…yeah, you guessed it. Florida!

There are all sorts of conspiracy theories with the ballots. China had flown in tens of thousands of ballots to Maricopa County via a South Korean airplane to swing the election for Biden. Since China got involved, they’re scanning them for traces of bamboo (no word on soy sauce). Donald Trump tweeted that the entire Maricopa County voter database was deleted, which was a lie that forced the Republican official leading the Maricopa County Recorder’s Office to speak out.

Here’s a fact: All eight cases brought in Arizona state and federal courts alleging widespread fraud, inaccuracies, or irregularities lost big time. So, why is there a recount? Exactly! Why is there a recount?

Why has the recount been given to Republicans? Why has the recount been given to a “security” firm run by Trumplicans with no election experience, and whose CEO claimed the election was hacked by the deceased Hugo Chavez? Why are they refusing to allow the press to watch the recount? How come we don’t even know who’s paying for the audit? Could Florida have pulled this off? Give them time.

Republicans claim there was election fraud and the count was fake…so they’re doing a fraudulent recount. What’s next? The fuckers doing the fake recount are going to declare Donald Trump won Maricopa County. Remember, the election was over six months ago and it’s been certified by the state and Congress. Joe Biden is literally in the White House.

One of the people doing the count said, “I think Donald Trump won the election—firm believer. I hope we come to a point where we’re happy with the results and truth is told.” She sounds totally non-partisan to me. Another auditor, who was at the Trump-initiated MAGA terrorist attack on the Capitol Complex, is also on these ballots. In Arizona, it’s illegal to count ballots that have your name on them.

We know with this recount, three people are counting each ballot as they spin on a Lazy Susan (that’s like a turntable. I had to look that up). If one person disagrees with the other two, that person is ignored and they go with the result from the two. They don’t reexamine the ballot that’s probably still spinning on a turntable. Remember, all these fuckers are Trump goons.

Republicans think Maricopa County is a domino. After it falls for Trump, so will Arizona, then Georgia, then Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Nevada. You have to be on the same level of crazy as Marjorie Taylor Greene to believe any of this nonsense, but it’s where Arizona finds itself.

Brood X is coming, but the cicadas are not coming to you if you’re in Arizona or Florida. The cicadas are smarter than Trump voters. They don’t want to go anywhere near Florida Man or Arizona Man. Their asses may be falling off, but they don’t want any business with Arizona and Florida.

After reading today’s cartoon, my proofer Laura told me, “It’s getting harder to satirize these people.” It’s been that way for five years plus. And seriously, how do I top scanning for bamboo?

Cicada note: This Washington Post piece about the cicada’s short life cycle is informative and fun.

 

[GreyhoundFan]

 

"Kremlin Cruz"

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz did not serve in the military. But he says when he was younger, he thought about it real hard. Today, why golly gee willikers, he kinda wishes he had served. Of course, Ted only wishes he had served for the political bonus points serving would have given him. In Ted’s feeble little mind where the thoughts are all about Ted, he believes saying he thought about serving in the military is just as good politically as serving in the military. It’s kinda like when you tell your girlfriend you almost bought her something really nice, then expect sex. When he was in college, Ted also said he thought about starring in a “teen tit film.”

John McCain served in the military, was a prisoner of war in the Hanoi Hilton, was tortured, but Ted thought about serving…and being in booby movies.

The United States Army created a video showcasing the “deeply emotional and diverse” background of its soldiers. It tells the true story of Cpl. Emma Malonelord, a soldier who enlisted after being raised by two mothers in California and graduating at the top of her high school class.

In Russia (where they claim there are no gay people), military propaganda created a TikTok video of a muscular Russian man with a shaved head doing push-ups, jumping out of a plane, and staring down the scope of a rifle…and then it cuts to the U.S. Army video for a comparison. Ted Cruz retweeted the Russian propaganda video and said the contrast made American soldier’s into “pansies.” He also said the U.S. military was “woke” and “emasculated.”

No, Ted. “Emasculated” is when you become an ass-kissing toady troglodyte for the man who accused your father of murder and called your wife “ugly.”

Ted tweeted, “Holy crap! Perhaps a woke, emasculated military is not the best idea …”

Senator Tammy Duckworth, who did join the U.S. military, is a Purple Heart recipient, and lost both legs in combat replied, “Holy crap! Perhaps a U.S. Senator shouldn’t suggest that the *Russian* military is better than the American military that protected him from an insurrection he helped foment?”

Ted Cruz is perhaps the most disingenuous person who has ever slimed out from the ocean floor before learning to walk upright.

He pretends to be a proud American who supports our troops, yet he supported an insurrection of our government, tried to overturn a democratically-held election, and praises Russia’s military while using a homophobic slur against the U.S. Army.

He pretends his freedom is being attacked when asked to put on a face mask.

He pretends to be a tough guy, telling Donald Trump to “leave Heidi the hell alone” while calling him a “sniveling coward” before joining the Trump cult.

When Democrats propose legislation to combat gun violence, he pretends to be aghast that they’re offering solutions and accuses them of playing political “theater.”

When his state was hit by a record freeze, instead of doing anything to help Texas, he ran off to Cancun, where it was nice and sunny. As soon as his spontaneous vacation was reported, he scrambled back to Texas, making sure to be seen in a face mask emblazoned with the flag of Texas, and went straight to a photo-op of handing out water.

When questioned about the trip, he was caught lying about his plans, the reason for the trip, and even his itinerary. To top it off, he blamed his daughters for the trip.

When Cruz was running for president, he used his daughters in a political commercial to attack Hillary Clinton. He even had them recite anti-Hillary jabs. When cartoonist Ann Telnaes created a brilliant cartoon about the incident, Ted attacked her for “attacking” his daughters, and then used the cartoon in a fundraising email. Because of Ted’s propaganda, conservatives started issuing death threats to Telnaes and other various types of physical vile threats…which Ted ignored. He never called off his goons. He was content with them threatening a woman.

Ted likes to “own” the left but the thing is, he’ll never own liberals as much as he owns himself. You wonder why people like Ted don’t shut up for at least a little while after saying something stupid. My guess is, he’s oblivious to just how ridiculous he comes off.

Ted doesn’t get irony. Just this week, the guy who became subservient to the man who called his wife ugly said President Biden has a “lack of backbone” in support of Israel. Seriously, Ted? You wanna talk about backbones?

Three days ago, he tweeted about cheap airfare to Cancun. Seriously.

A few weeks ago, he said the GOP didn’t rig the Supreme Court. That’s serious gaslighting counting on people not remembering very recent history.

Ted Cruz accused President Biden of “rewarding” Russia by not sanctioning their upcoming pipeline to Germany. In case you’re a Republican, Germany is NOT in the United States. Ted Cruz, who praised Putin’s military this week and never had an issue with Trump choosing Putin over American intelligence, is now concerned about “rewarding” Russia.

Last week, he claimed Democrats’ voting bill will register undocumented immigrants to vote. He also threatened “woke” corporations who aren’t conservative enough.

Yesterday, he was very upset with MSNBC’s Brian Williams for calling him “Kremlin Cruz.” He hates it about as much as Mitch McConnell hates “Moscow Mitch” and Donald Trump hates “Putin’s Puppet.”

On his show, Williams said, “Remember as you watch this just how much Ted Cruz dreams of being president of a country some day, perhaps not this country for reasons like this.”

Ted Cruz replied in multiple tweets, with one stating, “I hate communists, my family was imprisoned & tortured by communists, and Brian is a shameless apologist for Russian (and Chinese and Cuban) communists.” This is just how dishonest Cruz is. Nobody said anything about communists. This is an excellent example of gaslighting.

Ted has a lot of nickames. There’s Cancun Cruz, Snoozin’ Ted, Lyin’ Ted, Fat Weasel, Felito, Terrible Ted, Ted Schmooze, Ted Ooze, Two-Faced Ted, Seditionist Ted, Toddler Ted, Little Fidelo, Castro’s Revenge, Wacko Bird, Cohiba, The Suckup, The Bearded-Boy Blunder, Fleein’, Flyin’, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, Vacation Valentino, Trump’s Toady, Trump’s Latino Lap Poodle, Creep Show Cruz, Toady Ted, Crocodile Tears Cruz, Creepy Crawler Cruz, Ted Scruz, Cootie Cruz, Greased Pig of Politics, Tricky Ted, Waffle King, Rato, Stinkbug, Shady Mailer, Ted Carpet Bomb Cruz, Sneaky Little Stinker, The Fourth Dorkman of the Apocalypse, Diabolical Ted Cruz, Proud Boy, El Presidente Wannabe, Toxic Ted, The Insufferable Schmuck, Dirty Syrup Gulper, McCarthy Jr, The Cruzinator, Ted Smug Mug Cruz, Tailgunner Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer, Ted Carnival Cruz, Calgary Cruz, Troglodyte Ted, Douche Canoe Cruz, and now we have Kremlin Cruz.

Despite all the criticism, Ted Cruz did do something great for the United States military and that was by never enlisting.

Of course, if Cruz did attempt to join the military for the nation he so deeply loves and tirelessly protects, they probably would have said, “Nyet.”

 

[GreyhoundFan]