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Bontragers/Bowers/Helferich 9: Oh Nos! Chelsey Married a Maxwell!


nelliebelle1197

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9 hours ago, ophelia said:

Our parents are meeting for the first time in a few weeks and only thinking of it makes me want to scream and run away.
Both of our mothers are quite self-centered and bossy, but in a totally different way. We'll see how that works out. Our biggest fear is that they band together since they are both full of criticism when it comes to our decision to have a homebirth. That would be a nightmare.

I’m so sorry. It is just awful; and I can’t comprehend why people do this to their family. 
 

My mother was always bitchy and territorial.  My in-laws were pushy and nosey. The events were awful and the “re-play” my mother insisted on each time, was awful too. 

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7 hours ago, Nothing if not critical said:

We ended up having to physically separate them. I took my mom to one room, while my SIL stayed in the other with my MIL. Fun times...

My sympathies.  My in-laws were like this.  After a 45-minute bickering fest which escalated into name calling, I told my husband that they were no longer welcome to our house unless we separated them into different rooms.  That worked.  We didn’t want to deny them access to their grandchild, but they were no longer allowed to behave horribly in front of her.  They eventually mellowed over time, thank goodness. 

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3 hours ago, usmcmom said:

I’m so sorry. It is just awful; and I can’t comprehend why people do this to their family. 
 

My mother was always bitchy and territorial.  My in-laws were pushy and nosey. The events were awful and the “re-play” my mother insisted on each time, was awful too. 

I am so lucky - my MIL and mother ( they are in different countries) get along. They have only met twice but they send each other cards, talk on the phone every now and then etc. That's pretty normal for my family - embracing inlaws. But not for my MIL and she and her other kids have been so impressed and surprised with the kindnesses. My mom's twin has been really warm as well, so they either think we are great or crazy or both!

Edited by nelliebelle1197
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This past weekend, Carver and Christian flew up to Tennessee when the Bontragers were at Gil’s church to sing. Carver posted pic on his Instagram. 

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1 hour ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

I am so lucky - my MIL and mother ( they are in different countries) get along. They have only met twice but they send each other cards, talk on the phone every now and then etc. That's pretty normal for my family - embracing inlaws. But not for my MIL and she and her other kids have been so impressed and surprised with the kindnesses. My mom's twin has been really warm as well, so they either think we are great or crazy or both!

My boyfriends parents were quite close to his former in-laws. But since divorce is unimagineable in their small, conservative, catholic bubble, they feel like since they already had a daughter-in-law and got along fine with her parents that they don't need to put in the effort to get to know new people.
That is actually the same way they feel about me. My MIL even told me once: "I already had a daughter-in-law that I was close to and whom I loved, I'm not preparing for another one. Same goes with grandchildren."
 

Sorry for hijacking this thread with my person bullshit. I feel like FJ is one of the places where I can talk about this in a safe space, without hurting anybodies feelings.

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1 hour ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

I am so lucky - my MIL and mother ( they are in different countries) get along. They have only met twice but they send each other cards, talk on the phone every now and then etc. That's pretty normal for my family - embracing inlaws. But not for my MIL and she and her other kids have been so impressed and surprised with the kindnesses. My mom's twin has been really warm as well, so they either think we are great or crazy or both!

That’s great. My mother’s friend gets along great with her daughter-in-laws family. She & her husband are always included. When her daughter got married a few years back her daughter in laws entire family were invited & they all came. 

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43 minutes ago, ophelia said:

I already had a daughter-in-law that I was close to and whom I loved, I'm not preparing for another one. Same goes with grandchildren."

Oh my gosh! So if you marry and have any children, she plans to not accept you and them as family? That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. 

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This is honestly an interesting topic for me because my dad and stepmom and my in-laws are both divorced and I’m estranged from my dad and mom. I don’t know if other than my wedding last year, I’ll ever have them all in the same room together again. My in-laws can be cordial to each other but need others to distract them if they’re going to be in the same room together for too long, but my stepmom is friendly with both of them. My dad may never be invited to anything ever again, even if I have kids. My MIL and FIL both are very kind to me and treat me like their own blood and my stepmom does the same with my husband. I’ve always wanted the big happy family since I’ve never gotten that, but we’ll probably spend the rest of forever swapping holidays and doing three Christmases every year so that everyone is appeased. 

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12 hours ago, G33kywife said:

Oh my gosh! So if you marry and have any children, she plans to not accept you and them as family? That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. 

Well she somehow accepts me, but in her mind  it is "just not right". And it is hard for HER and only HER since she is the center of the world. She is totally irritated by the fact that my boyfriend's ex-wife and I get along just fine. She is pregnant as well and we'll have babies 2 months apart and we are constantly chatting and talking.

For the next five weeks my boyfriends eight year old daughter will stay with us and her mother (his ex) is absolutely cool with me and even told me she is so glad that I'm a part of her daughter's life and how much the kid loves me.

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13 hours ago, ophelia said:

That is actually the same way they feel about me. My MIL even told me once: "I already had a daughter-in-law that I was close to and whom I loved, I'm not preparing for another one. Same goes with grandchildren."

I really hope she mellows, especially after you give birth. Especially if your boyfriend's ex is also having another child - it would be nice if she could focus on the expanded families and relationships of her current granddaughter, and see it as more love rather than "not right".  

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1 minute ago, Ozlsn said:

I really hope she mellows, especially after you give birth. Especially if your boyfriend's ex is also having another child - it would be nice if she could focus on the expanded families and relationships of her current granddaughter, and see it as more love rather than "not right".  

My boyfriend's ex and I talked about this just the other day and we were quite pessimistic about this.
She is unable to change and I pity her for that.

Fun fact: My MIL always describes her relationship to her former DIL as perfect and everything. My boyfriend's ex though warned me about allowing that woman too much space in our lifes since she took part in destroying their relationship.

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@ophelia I‘m so sorry you have to deal with such a difficult MIL. How does she think this is gonna go once your boy is here? One would think she mellows after a grandchild is born.

Can I say that I absolutely love how you guys handle your blended family? I think it’s so cool that you and your bf’s ex are on such good terms. There’s nothing better than showing the children that divorce doesn’t need to be the end of the world but that you can be cordial with each other. That even adding new spouses/significant others can mean that there’s someone more to love the existing kids instead of being a source of more bickering and problems ❤️❤️❤️

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56 minutes ago, ophelia said:

@ophelia: take her up on her word and quote her words back to her when she complains. Works like a charm. Just did that with my mom and she became so furious she completely lost the ability to speak. My boyfriend and I laughed ourselves silly.

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16 hours ago, ophelia said:

My boyfriends parents were quite close to his former in-laws. But since divorce is unimagineable in their small, conservative, catholic bubble, they feel like since they already had a daughter-in-law and got along fine with her parents that they don't need to put in the effort to get to know new people.
That is actually the same way they feel about me. My MIL even told me once: "I already had a daughter-in-law that I was close to and whom I loved, I'm not preparing for another one. Same goes with grandchildren."
 

Sorry for hijacking this thread with my person bullshit. I feel like FJ is one of the places where I can talk about this in a safe space, without hurting anybodies feelings.

No do not ever be sorry for sharing! And this is awful! If they are not going to treat the children equally, they should have access to neither!

Edited by nelliebelle1197
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@ophelia I am so sorry you are dealing with this type of crazy but I get it, all too much.  Husband was married very young and it lasted a short time.  MIL was just pissy she lost the daughter she never had and had to act all put out cause I was not willing to take up that type of role or relationship.  He had already warned me about his mom and her being crazy.  I saw through her behaviors and comments very quickly.  Husband learned a lot from first failed marriage and the divorce about his own marriage and dealing with the demands of his family.  This has put a HUGE burden on our marriage because MIL blames EVERYTHING on my influence.  Anything she deems a change from him as a small child is a smack in the face to her..(ie- husband does not like fresh strawberries.. he likes jam ok.. and the strawberry jello pretzel dessert.. but not fresh berries- when he was a CHILD he ate them.. why not now.. is it because I made them?  You don't like anything I do anymore kind of conversations we deal with on the regular)

Stay strong, get couples counseling, create a united front.. otherwise it can and will tear you apart!

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My mother in law had a bad relationship with her own mother in law so she tries not to meddle. She wants to be nothing like her own mother in law. So we get along just fine. 

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Thank you, beautiful people of FJ!
Sharing our struggles over the past days really really helped me and took a lot of pressure from me. I also had a great talk with my boyfriend about this and now I'm feeling way better.

Since yesterday his daughter is with us and it is so great to be back together for the first time after christmas. She's such a wonderful girl!

@NoseyNellie: I feel you and sends hugs to you! Our MIL sound very similar: my bf only has a brother, so for my MIL it also felt like she "lost a daughter". And the same when it comes to food. She CALLS me to tell me what to cook and what her son likes and when I mention that to my boyfriend he's like: "Yeah.. I used to love that. In second grade!!".
 

Back to the actual topic:
I'm wondering wether Allison's social media habits will change now that she is a mother. Will she post more or even less?

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6 hours ago, ophelia said:

Back to the actual topic:
I'm wondering wether Allison's social media habits will change now that she is a mother. Will she post more or even less?

It’s like so many SAHDs. They are often bored senseless because their parents put so many limitations on their lives as SAHDs. At least Chelsy and Allison could work for their family. But they still seemed bored and ready for their lives to start. Once they each got engaged, the posts became few and far between. Even more so after marriage. Now Chelsy posts every few months as a mom. I bet Allison will be similar. 

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Well, that confirms what we already knew - the newlywed Helferiches are living in the attic. So who lives in the second house on the property? And where will they all live if the property sells?  Will they all move in together in a new home? So many questions!

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2 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

That looks like Allison’s current home. They cut the price by $200,000?! They must have been way overpriced.

They slashed the price after less than a month on the market, too, which could mean they are motivated to sell quickly. 
 

The way they’ve marketed the property doesn’t make sense to me. It’s two houses on nearly nine acres, plus lots of outbuildings. It’s hard to imagine what kind of buyer is looking for a property like that, especially in a rural area where there is a much smaller pool of potential buyers. Who wants to buy two houses at once? It’s too small to really farm for profit, but has a bunch of agriculturally focused outbuildings a new owner will likely have to remove. It also appears like it shows up in single house listings, and at $600k is probably deterring people who only want one house and don’t want to pay hundreds of thousands extra for a second one. Really, the only folks I can imagine wanting it are a multi-generational family like the Helferiches, or maybe a small commune, both of which are scarce. I’d guess the property has been in the Helferich family for several generations and they don’t want it broken up, but it would make so much more sense to break it into two properties, each with one house and a few acres. 

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5 hours ago, Dominionatrix said:

They slashed the price after less than a month on the market, too, which could mean they are motivated to sell quickly. 
 

The way they’ve marketed the property doesn’t make sense to me. It’s two houses on nearly nine acres, plus lots of outbuildings. It’s hard to imagine what kind of buyer is looking for a property like that, especially in a rural area where there is a much smaller pool of potential buyers. Who wants to buy two houses at once? It’s too small to really farm for profit, but has a bunch of agriculturally focused outbuildings a new owner will likely have to remove. It also appears like it shows up in single house listings, and at $600k is probably deterring people who only want one house and don’t want to pay hundreds of thousands extra for a second one. Really, the only folks I can imagine wanting it are a multi-generational family like the Helferiches, or maybe a small commune, both of which are scarce. I’d guess the property has been in the Helferich family for several generations and they don’t want it broken up, but it would make so much more sense to break it into two properties, each with one house and a few acres. 

There are zoning laws so they may not be able to break up anything. It is not that easy. If it is zoned agricultural then you cannot break it up. 


Did I miss something or do we know why this is on the market?

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This explains the steps up to a house, the pvc clapboard and bistro furniture, - it's an addition to the main house, not a separate dwelling. I thought it might have been a small house for Allison and Jeremiah, as we've seen various snippets of it in photos    - but it's not- they live in the attic!! The attic looks as if it's unoccupied, so where are the new parents and Malachi now?

As for the other house in the listing- where did that appear from? and who lives there???

Lots of questions to find answers for

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The house is big, so at least Helferich children had room enough. But the decor is so outdated! 

Hopefully Allison and Jeremiah are going to buy or rent now, and live independent. 

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