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Bontragers/Bowers/Helferich 9: Oh Nos! Chelsey Married a Maxwell!


nelliebelle1197

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6 minutes ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

This picture scares me. A lot.

Probably because this is what we all looked like when we all had our first French kisses. But thankfully there wasn’t a professional photographer and 200 of our closest friends and family there to watch. 

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14 minutes ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

This picture scares me. A lot.

I know! I am actually surprised it is not a bigger topic of discussion. My first reaction to that picture was a physical, shoulders hunched cringe.

Why are they posting pictures of the learning to kiss process? Do they wear that awkwardness as a badge of honor for being pure virgins or something? 

Learning to kiss takes practice and should not be captured on film the first day. I don't care if it is your damn wedding day. Step away from the camera as you suck face. 

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Going outside (even just sitting) and enjoying the sunshine helped me so much after birth. Even very short very slow walks seemed to help my mental state so much. There is so much change when a new baby is brought home that getting "out" in the world- even just a walk around the block made me so much happier. 

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My husband and I talked about our kiss at the wedding ceremony. I told him no tongue allowed because of the photographer and my grandparents being right there. It was a nice kiss without tongue. It photographed well. 

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18 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

My husband and I talked about our kiss at the wedding ceremony. I told him no tongue allowed because of the photographer and my grandparents being right there. It was a nice kiss without tongue. It photographed well. 

I told my ex husband no tongue because it doesn't look right in pictures, but he had to be a rebel in the church and do it anyway.  But I was a veteran kisser because I had my first kiss in 5th grade, so that wasn't the issue.  

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10 hours ago, ophelia said:

THIS! My mother is an evil working grandma and already took some days off around my due date and would rush to our house in a heartbeat once the baby is born. But I have to admit that for the last couple of weeks I feel like I don't want her there. We were always really close, especially since my father was out of the picture for the most parts of my life, but with my pregnancy our relationship changed a lot. I feel like she critices most of my/our choices concerning our pregnancy and the way we plan to raise this child. Whenever I tell her something she says something like "That never bothered me and look - you and your siblings made it into adulthood" or "You are overthinking everything". When I told her that I was preparing to spend the first 10 days after the delivery in bed she started to laugh and told my that this was so stupid and that I would end up having a thrombosis. That's when I made the decision that I don't want her around after the baby arrives. I'll invite her eventually, but our son will still be cute when he is a week old. I just can't have her around telling me all I do is wrong when I just gave birth.
Besides that she is a chain smoker and it gets worse each year and I feel like she always smells likes cigarettes and it bothers me a lot.
I'm tearing up writing this and maybe I'll want her there with me after the baby is born, but right now I feel like it would be best if I invite her when I'm ready. Same goes for my MIL who is difficult and overreaching in another way.
I don't know how to tell them. I really bad at things like that.
And now I'm crying.

Sending love and good vibes,  I am also pregnant and due next week and understand all the pressures while hormonal and anxious about baby, as well as difficult mothers. This is my 2nd and this time around I've set firm and unapologetic boundaries with my narcissistic mother including that she can visit a few weeks in and stay at a hotel because I need space from her. We will be strict with health/hygiene standards with all visitors too, such as lots of hand washing. To me it wouldn't be crazy to make it clear to her that she may not smoke around/outside your home and should wear clean clothes that has not been smoked in or else change when she gets there. Accept she'll think you're a demanding bitch and dont say sorry for it. I did too much people pleasing with my first and this time, I'd rather be a demanding bitch than an anxious and sad new mom.

Hopefully your medical providers support your choice with the 10 day bed thing. Just know that you wont know your preferences and needs until baby comes and so be willing and flexible to adjust. For instance, I was eager to take a walk in the park 7 days in with the stroller, and of course was starting to move around and take a shower. Depending on your labor you may feel very stiff and itll feel good to walk it off a bit. Also, not sure about you but with both my first and second I had/have 2-3 newborn doctor appointments. When it comes to babies, you can make plans but be ready to abandon them too!

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Still no announcement on the blog or insta.  I know they are on tour but still...

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Eh... I wouldn't read to much into that.The Bonts are not good posters and things often are posted late -especially with Chelsy gone (who was the main blogger). 

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I feel bad for Elizabeth. She’s only a teen and has to be the new family blogger and probably a bunch of other work on top of it. 

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15 hours ago, theologygeek said:

I'm not sure why, but I did read some time ago that mothers are doing it.  It comes from a practice that European women did long ago.  Someone comes in to take care of the mother, or the husband does it, and the woman rests.  It sounds lovely, but no one talks about the blood clot that can happen if the woman is in bed for too long.  

First of all - Thank you!! All your kind and wise words mean a lot to me!

Regarding the bedrest: I feel like every pregnancy book I read and all the midwife podcasts I heard all promote this. I'm somewhat crunchy (we are planing for a homebirth, to use cloth diapers, etc.) but I'm not against modern medicine at all.
I'll look into the whole bedrest thing again and I appreciate all your advice and concerns.

I never imagined that being pregnant would have such an effect on the relationship with my mother, but I guess this emancipation process is hurtful, but also very helpful and necessary.

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6 hours ago, ophelia said:

I guess this emancipation process is hurtful, but also very helpful and necessary.

Idk if this is helpful, but: I was super close to my mom as a teen, felt I could talk to her about everything and so on. And I always thought that was awesome.

Until I realized, way into my forties, that our relationship hadn't been as healthy as I thought. My parents' marriage was a mess, and because she had no one else, she'd effectively turned me into her confidante. And while I don't blame her, that really wasn't good for me.
It also meant I never really had a proper teenage rebellious phase, because I never wanted to burden her  with my problems, and I never wanted to hurt her the way my father had. So when we finally started disagreeing on things, it was horribly painful, and we never really managed to sort it out before her death - which still makes me sad.

Anyway, what I meant to say is... in my experience you have to clash with your parents at some point. And I know it hurts, but yeah, I'm afraid it really is necessary *sends hugs if you want them*.

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11 minutes ago, Nothing if not critical said:

Idk if this is helpful, but: I was super close to my mom as a teen, felt I could talk to her about everything and so on. And I always thought that was awesome.

Until I realized, way into my forties, that our relationship hadn't been as healthy as I thought. My parents' marriage was a mess, and because she had no one else, she'd effectively turned me into her confidante. And while I don't blame her, that really wasn't good for me.
It also meant I never really had a proper teenage rebellious phase, because I never wanted to burden her  with my problems, and I never wanted to hurt her the way my father had. So when we finally started disagreeing on things, it was horribly painful, and we never really managed to sort it out before her death - which still makes me sad.

Anyway, what I meant to say is... in my experience you have to clash with your parents at some point. And I know it hurts, but yeah, I'm afraid it really is necessary *sends hugs if you want them*.

Oh my, I could have written this post. It took me a long time to see how much emotional damage this caused in my life. 

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I don't see the point of blogging short platitudes. "We love him... having a baby wonderful... praise the Lord". Let's hear a birth story, a name story, anything!

But Malachi is very cute. The dark downy hair gives me major baby fever (my own babies had that hair... and then it fell out and they turned blond). I wish Jeremiah looked a little more excited, but given his attitude at his own wedding we can deduce he's not a very emotionally expressive person.

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3 minutes ago, usedbicycle said:

I don't see the point of blogging short platitudes. "We love him... having a baby wonderful... praise the Lord". Let's hear a birth story, a name story, anything!

But Malachi is very cute. The dark downy hair gives me major baby fever (my own babies had that hair... and then it fell out and they turned blond). I wish Jeremiah looked a little more excited, but given his attitude at his own wedding we can deduce he's not a very emotionally expressive person.

Platitudes is about all Allison has got. It's all she's posted since she got married. Even her basically flippant "love story" was more platitudes than an actual story. Jeremiah prayed, it's all god's doing, amazing visits, amazing memories, bible verses. Same as the random IG posts prior to telling that "story". God, blessed, sweet, prayer/praying/pray/prayed, sacrifice, blah, blah, blah.

Seems like Allison got married and lost all ability to communicate.

Then again, the majority of the fundies we talk about here - and fundies like them - are walking platitudes. They all sound exactly the same without saying a damn thing. 

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1 minute ago, fundiefan said:

Platitudes is about all Allison has got. It's all she's posted since she got married. Even her basically flippant "love story" was more platitudes than an actual story. Jeremiah prayed, it's all god's doing, amazing visits, amazing memories, bible verses. Same as the random IG posts prior to telling that "story". God, blessed, sweet, prayer/praying/pray/prayed, sacrifice, blah, blah, blah.

Seems like Allison got married and lost all ability to communicate.

Then again, the majority of the fundies we talk about here - and fundies like them - are walking platitudes. They all sound exactly the same without saying a damn thing. 

It’s so sad how they never come up with their own expressions. They just repeat what they’ve heard over and over. They don’t get a chance to think outside the box and it shows. I wish they had more chances to be creative. 

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I’m glad they were able to squeeze in a visit before they left for their latest tour. 

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Malachi is indeed super cute and looking at him makes me even more excited for the arrival of our little boy in september.

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On 6/17/2021 at 12:40 AM, ophelia said:

First of all - Thank you!! All your kind and wise words mean a lot to me!

Regarding the bedrest: I feel like every pregnancy book I read and all the midwife podcasts I heard all promote this. I'm somewhat crunchy (we are planing for a homebirth, to use cloth diapers, etc.) but I'm not against modern medicine at all.
I'll look into the whole bedrest thing again and I appreciate all your advice and concerns.

I never imagined that being pregnant would have such an effect on the relationship with my mother, but I guess this emancipation process is hurtful, but also very helpful and necessary.

Please don't do it.  My friend could have died.  I remember like it was yesterday and it was a terrible time.  

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On 6/20/2021 at 10:12 AM, marmalade said:

Bonts have met Malachi. Pictures on the main family IG.

Love the pic of them all grinning like Cheshire cats - except Jeremiah. Clearly wasn't trained to smile like the Bonts were.

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On 6/15/2021 at 4:02 PM, usmcmom said:

My sister has boys and she has felt somewhat left out on the births of her grandkids. It made me more aware of my son-in-law’s needs when my grandson was born. At least, I hope it did. 
We tried to keep a low profile when baby’s paternal grandparents were here the first week after his birth. I spent most nights at the house after they had gone back to the hotel; but we wanted to make sure they had lots of time without having to “share” the baby. 
I am grateful all of us grandparents get along.  There was one evening where we all got stuck at the new parents’ house overnight. A storm had knocked a tree down, blocking the only exit from the neighborhood. None of us got to leave! It will be a fun memory to share with our grandson one day. 

I actually had someone who kept trying to make villains out of my son-in-law and his parents leading up to the birth. She said things like “Those other grandparents should give you all some space.”  I finally said “Look, if it were my son instead of my daughter, I’d be crushed if someone took that attitude about me.” 
 

Allison doesn’t have to worry about her mother overstepping; her mother hasn’t even shown up. 

I am thanking you for this because what a lovely attitude to have!!!

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7 hours ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

I am thanking you for this because what a lovely attitude to have!!!

I appreciate that. 
 

We live thirty minutes from our grandson. The other grandparents live six hours away. We really hope to be supportive of his visits with them and want them to be frequent. The more people loving this little boy, the better. Also, we really want joint events to be pleasant for everyone. When we were raising our kids, our parents could barely be in the same room together and it was always very tense. We’re not doing that to our daughter or her child. 

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40 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

I appreciate that. 
 

We live thirty minutes from our grandson. The other grandparents live six hours away. We really hope to be supportive of his visits with them and want them to be frequent. The more people loving this little boy, the better. Also, we really want joint events to be pleasant for everyone. When we were raising our kids, our parents could barely be in the same room together and it was always very tense. We’re not doing that to our daughter or her child. 

Our parents are meeting for the first time in a few weeks and only thinking of it makes me want to scream and run away.
Both of our mothers are quite self-centered and bossy, but in a totally different way. We'll see how that works out. Our biggest fear is that they band together since they are both full of criticism when it comes to our decision to have a homebirth. That would be a nightmare.

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1 hour ago, ophelia said:

Our parents are meeting for the first time in a few weeks and only thinking of it makes me want to scream and run away.

Ugh. I feel your pain. The last time our two mothers met (at a big birthday bash), they just kept bitching at one another until nobody else could bear it anymore. They managed to have different opinions about EVERYTHING. 

We ended up having to physically separate them. I took my mom to one room, while my SIL stayed in the other with my MIL. Fun times...

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