Bontragers/Bowers/Helferich 9: Oh Nos! Chelsey Married a Maxwell!

[MomJeans]

I don't know if she doesn't want to blog/gram anymore, or, as others have postulated, if her in-laws are against it and she's pressured to not talk much about Jeremiah and the baby.  At her wedding my impression of her new father-in-law was: that's the type of father-in-law who won't respect boundaries, and will govern his daughters-in-laws like he does his unmarried daughters, a.k.a. his property.  I felt bad for Allison- she finally gets out of her parents home, and likely is now in an even more restrictive environment. 

[Nothing if not critical]

6 minutes ago, MomJeans said:

At her wedding my impression of her new father-in-law was: that's the type of father-in-law who won't respect boundaries, and will govern his daughters-in-laws like he does his unmarried daughters, a.k.a. his property. 

Agree. And while we're speculating - Jeremiah doesn't strike me as the type to stand up to his dad to take his wife's side.

But hey, maybe we're all wrong. Maybe she really is perfectly happy, and just can't be bothered to entertain us anymore, because she's so busy. You never know.

[usmcmom]

As irritating as Allison is, I feel very sorry for her right now.  I think it is awful that her mother doesn’t show up when grandkids are born. New moms need someone during those early days, not just for physical help but for emotional support too. 
 

I think I’ve said this before but Becky is acting like what she imagines an evil working mother to be. She lets her “job” of touring interfere with taking care of her family, namely her daughters who could use some help as new wives and mothers.  On top of her daughters’ need for help, I can’t NOT making my way to a new grandchild at the first possible chance. 

These people are so cold hearted, it’s scary. 

[therulesofjinx]

23 hours ago, fundiewatch said:

That name is so tightly linked to Children of the Corn for me. 

Ha, I just commented that on the Upcoming Babies thread before coming here....glad I'm not alone!

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

As irritating as Allison is, I feel very sorry for her right now.  I think it is awful that her mother doesn’t show up when grandkids are born. New moms need someone during those early days, not just for physical help but for emotional support too. 
 

I think I’ve said this before but Becky is acting like what she imagines an evil working mother to be. She lets her “job” of touring interfere with taking care of her family, namely her daughters who could use some help as new wives and mothers.  On top of her daughters’ need for help, I can’t NOT making my way to a new grandchild at the first possible chance. 

These people are so cold hearted, it’s scary. 

My mom was an evil working grandma when all her grandkids were born but she sure hurried herself to the hospital ASAP to see the newest grandchild. I understand distance makes things difficult but it still must be hard for Allison to wait 2 whole months for her mom and dad to finally meet the baby. 

[usmcmom]

8 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

My mom was an evil working grandma when all her grandkids were born but she sure hurried herself to the hospital ASAP to see the newest grandchild. I understand distance makes things difficult but it still must be hard for Allison to wait 2 whole months for her mom and dad to finally meet the baby. 

When my sister had her first, my mom flew to Tulsa then climbed into a tiny two passenger plane in which my brother in law was the pilot and flew to their tiny town. She stayed for two weeks and did the whole tiny plane thing again so she could fly home. For my kids, she only had to drive 40 miles and she got there ASAP each time. She also was an evil working grandma. 
 

These people don’t really treasure babies - they don’t enjoy them. They treasure fertility and birth. 

[nvmbr02]

None of our family was able to make it when our first baby was born. We were stationed overseas at the time and it just wasn't a possibility. My dad came about a month later and my mom a couple of weeks later. We ended up back in the states for a 2 week visit when my daughter was 6 months old.  And only my MIL was there when our second and third were born because she was in the same state. Though she saw us once shortly after birth and then not again until they were 4 or 5 weeks old. 

That being said, all three times we had a good support system in place. My husband was able to get 5 days off of work with our first but only the day of the birth off work with our second so I was largely on my own though I did have friends that were able to drop food by or come hang out and lend a hand. With my second my husband had 2 weeks off so we were in a good routine when he went back to work, plus my older two were 5 and almost 4 so they could do a little for themselves (like grab an easy snack and use the bathroom).

Alison seems to be lacking her family and a support system that she is comfortable with. And for that I feel really bad for her.

[usmcmom]

I think the key is family or family-like support. It doesn’t have to be a mom, but someone who the new mother trusts and feels very comfortable with. I don’t think Allison has any of that. 
 

I feel like the older women in these families basically say “We did it…you can too.” 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

53 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

I think I’ve said this before but Becky is acting like what she imagines an evil working mother to be. She lets her “job” of touring interfere with taking care of her family, namely her daughters who could use some help as new wives and mothers.  On top of her daughters’ need for help, I can’t NOT making my way to a new grandchild at the first possible chance. 

You are so right!  I never thought of it like that, but they are doing exactly what they tsk tsk over when lesser mortals have jobs.  

And I'm with you, I don't have grandchildren but whenever my daughter talks about maybe having a baby in the future I start to pack in my head.  I've already been given notice about my presence being required.  My daughter doesn't ask, she tells...and she wants her mommy when she has a baby.  

This is a kid who just gave me a coffee mug for mother's day that says, "Of all the vaginas in the world I'm so glad I tumbled out of yours."  I want to be there when she realizes exactly how wrong the word "tumbled" is in that context!  ?

Edited June 15, 2021 by HerNameIsBuffy

[HerNameIsBuffy]

34 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

These people don’t really treasure babies - they don’t enjoy them.

Because they don't see their kids as individuals, just products of fellowshipping.  

Honestly, I know newborns are just adorable need machines, but I can remember like it was yesterday holding each of mine and wondering who they were going to be, what they would love, where their paths would take them.

And I said the same prayer each time, over and over like a mantra, for the first few weeks of their lives.  I prayed they'd be happy, healthy, and safe....and I prayed for God to please let them like me!  My spiritual beliefs are far more complicated now, but ngl, I still say the first part of that prayer all the time.  They're young adults so if they didn't like me by now that would be on me to fix, but I think we're good on that front.  

But as much as I loved them as babies, one of the coolest things about being their mom was seeing them come into their own and develop their own interests and personalities.  I loved watching them turn into who they were meant to be and being excited for what came next for them.  My three as as different as can be, and while I'd love them all even if they were serial killers I feel really, really lucky that I like each of them as a person.  Not just because they're mine, but because they turned out to be really interesting people.

These fundies don't experience that joy of getting to know their kids as people.  They praise conformity and see individuality as something to be trained out of them.  It's cruel to the kids, but it's also really sad for the parents who won't ever connect with their kids on a deeper level.  Sadly, this isn't confined to fundies, plenty of mainstream people try to shoehorn their kids into the lives they want for them rather than to let them chart their own course.

 

48 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

I feel like the older women in these families basically say “We did it…you can too.” 

That.  They are missing the part of maternal instinct that wants our kids to have it better than we did.  

[JermajestyDuggar]

I have boys so I’ll have to be careful if they have kids. I don’t want to step on the toes of future daughters or sons in law.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

1 minute ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I have boys so I’ll have to be careful if they have kids. I don’t want to step on the toes of future daughters or sons in law.

I feel the same for my boys...when the time comes I'll go out of my way to make sure I'm not intruding.  My daughter who has not only demanded my presence, but the types of homemade soups and cupcakes I'm to make for her post partum I feel more comfortable.  I can't step on her toes without immediately hearing about it so I can back off!

[usmcmom]

25 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I have boys so I’ll have to be careful if they have kids. I don’t want to step on the toes of future daughters or sons in law.

My sister has boys and she has felt somewhat left out on the births of her grandkids. It made me more aware of my son-in-law’s needs when my grandson was born. At least, I hope it did. 
We tried to keep a low profile when baby’s paternal grandparents were here the first week after his birth. I spent most nights at the house after they had gone back to the hotel; but we wanted to make sure they had lots of time without having to “share” the baby. 
I am grateful all of us grandparents get along.  There was one evening where we all got stuck at the new parents’ house overnight. A storm had knocked a tree down, blocking the only exit from the neighborhood. None of us got to leave! It will be a fun memory to share with our grandson one day. 

I actually had someone who kept trying to make villains out of my son-in-law and his parents leading up to the birth. She said things like “Those other grandparents should give you all some space.”  I finally said “Look, if it were my son instead of my daughter, I’d be crushed if someone took that attitude about me.” 
 

Allison doesn’t have to worry about her mother overstepping; her mother hasn’t even shown up. 

[ElizaB]

It also seems to be a result of having so many kids. When you have less kids you have the ability to drop almost anything when your kids need you- new babies, moving, illness, or other things. If you have 10 kids and they need you to "drop everything" once or twice a year- this ends up every month for you. You just can't do it as easily. 

I do have to give the Maxwells some credit on this front. This is one family that certainly does drop everything when their kids need it. I hope Allison's in laws are as helpful with the new baby as her sisters are. 

[ophelia]

10 hours ago, usmcmom said:

I think the key is family or family-like support. It doesn’t have to be a mom, but someone who the new mother trusts and feels very comfortable with. I don’t think Allison has any of that. 
 

I feel like the older women in these families basically say “We did it…you can too.” 

THIS! My mother is an evil working grandma and already took some days off around my due date and would rush to our house in a heartbeat once the baby is born. But I have to admit that for the last couple of weeks I feel like I don't want her there. We were always really close, especially since my father was out of the picture for the most parts of my life, but with my pregnancy our relationship changed a lot. I feel like she critices most of my/our choices concerning our pregnancy and the way we plan to raise this child. Whenever I tell her something she says something like "That never bothered me and look - you and your siblings made it into adulthood" or "You are overthinking everything". When I told her that I was preparing to spend the first 10 days after the delivery in bed she started to laugh and told my that this was so stupid and that I would end up having a thrombosis. That's when I made the decision that I don't want her around after the baby arrives. I'll invite her eventually, but our son will still be cute when he is a week old. I just can't have her around telling me all I do is wrong when I just gave birth.
Besides that she is a chain smoker and it gets worse each year and I feel like she always smells likes cigarettes and it bothers me a lot.
I'm tearing up writing this and maybe I'll want her there with me after the baby is born, but right now I feel like it would be best if I invite her when I'm ready. Same goes for my MIL who is difficult and overreaching in another way.
I don't know how to tell them. I really bad at things like that.
And now I'm crying.

[Giraffe]

Wow, @ophelia, I would put serious boundaries around her, too in that situation! I think your frustration is completely understandable and I'm sorry you're having that added stress. That's a lot and would drive me bonkers as well. 

[Melissa1977]

@ophelia you have to do it your way. Don't worry and enjoy your motherhood. Nobody wants a bossy smoker near a baby!

No need to fight. No need to tell her in advance about your plans. In fact, ypu don't know how will you feel after the birth (it is possible you want to see all your family... Or not). Have the baby "secretly" and after that you decide if you call or invite them. Don't stress yourself, let your husband do the calls.

Just another comment. There is something she is right... 10 days in bed, while seems to be trendy currently, is not a great idea. You really need to move in order to recover. Full days in bed will make you feel more tired and your body won't feel great plus you will need shots to avoid thrombosis (people who are in bed need 1 shot daily). Don't schedule X days in bed, just listen your body, which probably would scream "let's get up" very soon!

[JermajestyDuggar]

Allison posted a very cute professional picture of Malachi. She should have just waited and posted that one as the intro pic of him. It’s very cute. 

[freethemall]

The baby definitely looks like his dad

[theologygeek]

7 hours ago, ophelia said:

THIS! My mother is an evil working grandma and already took some days off around my due date and would rush to our house in a heartbeat once the baby is born. But I have to admit that for the last couple of weeks I feel like I don't want her there. We were always really close, especially since my father was out of the picture for the most parts of my life, but with my pregnancy our relationship changed a lot. I feel like she critices most of my/our choices concerning our pregnancy and the way we plan to raise this child. Whenever I tell her something she says something like "That never bothered me and look - you and your siblings made it into adulthood" or "You are overthinking everything". When I told her that I was preparing to spend the first 10 days after the delivery in bed she started to laugh and told my that this was so stupid and that I would end up having a thrombosis. That's when I made the decision that I don't want her around after the baby arrives. I'll invite her eventually, but our son will still be cute when he is a week old. I just can't have her around telling me all I do is wrong when I just gave birth.
Besides that she is a chain smoker and it gets worse each year and I feel like she always smells likes cigarettes and it bothers me a lot.
I'm tearing up writing this and maybe I'll want her there with me after the baby is born, but right now I feel like it would be best if I invite her when I'm ready. Same goes for my MIL who is difficult and overreaching in another way.
I don't know how to tell them. I really bad at things like that.
And now I'm crying.

Your mother has a point about the thrombosis.  It's okay to put your feet up and rest, but you have to move around.  My friend is on blood thinner for the rest of her life because of a blood clot she had a couple of weeks after giving birth many years ago.  She was in bed during that time.  

5 hours ago, Melissa1977 said:

@ophelia you have to do it your way. Don't worry and enjoy your motherhood. Nobody wants a bossy smoker near a baby!

No need to fight. No need to tell her in advance about your plans. In fact, ypu don't know how will you feel after the birth (it is possible you want to see all your family... Or not). Have the baby "secretly" and after that you decide if you call or invite them. Don't stress yourself, let your husband do the calls.

Just another comment. There is something she is right... 10 days in bed, while seems to be trendy currently, is not a great idea. You really need to move in order to recover. Full days in bed will make you feel more tired and your body won't feel great plus you will need shots to avoid thrombosis (people who are in bed need 1 shot daily). Don't schedule X days in bed, just listen your body, which probably would scream "let's get up" very soon!

I just said the same thing without reading your post first.  My friend stayed in bed and ended up with a blood clot.  

[Melissa1977]

6 minutes ago, theologygeek said:

just said the same thing without reading your post first.  My friend stayed in bed and ended up with a blood clot.

Not sure why has the poster decided to stay 10 days in the bed. But my sister in law gave birth a year ago and that's why I knew some crunchy midwifes recommend staying days or weeks in bed with the naked baby, in order to bond as a mammal. I found it strange, because is not healthy for the mom and it's absolutely possible to bond with the baby despite wearing clothes or leaving them in a crib to go take a shower. But maybe the poster has made her decision for other reasons, maybe she needs to rest more than average or there is a health issue there.

 

[theologygeek]

14 minutes ago, Melissa1977 said:

Not sure why has the poster decided to stay 10 days in the bed. But my sister in law gave birth a year ago and that's why I knew some crunchy midwifes recommend staying days or weeks in bed with the naked baby, in order to bond as a mammal. I found it strange, because is not healthy for the mom and it's absolutely possible to bond with the baby despite wearing clothes or leaving them in a crib to go take a shower. But maybe the poster has made her decision for other reasons, maybe she needs to rest more than average or there is a health issue there.

 

I'm not sure why, but I did read some time ago that mothers are doing it.  It comes from a practice that European women did long ago.  Someone comes in to take care of the mother, or the husband does it, and the woman rests.  It sounds lovely, but no one talks about the blood clot that can happen if the woman is in bed for too long.  

[JermajestyDuggar]

Things change so much that I never heard of staying in bed 10 days when I had my youngest in 2015. I had a toddler so I couldn’t do that anyway. I did sit in a comfy chair with pillows a lot. He wanted to nurse a lot so I just sat and nursed but I also got up and around the house. 

[nelliebelle1197]

On 6/5/2021 at 3:24 PM, JermajestyDuggar said:

It looks like they are a couple of vacuums that accidentally got stuck to each other. This is one of the many reasons why I say no one should wait until their wedding day for their first kiss. First kisses can be awkward as hell.

This picture scares me. A lot.

[Melissa1977]

32 minutes ago, theologygeek said:

I'm not sure why, but I did read some time ago that mothers are doing it.  It comes from a practice that European women did long ago.  Someone comes in to take care of the mother, or the husband does it, and the woman rests.  It sounds lovely, but no one talks about the blood clot that can happen if the woman is in bed for too long.  

European women stayed in bed for a while (at least my grandmas did it), because they were afraid of losing blood or having infections (houses had no bathrooms, no central heating etc) . But only those who were lucky enough to have relatives or maids to help could do it. Many women couldn't rest for long, life was hard and busy back in the day.

Anyway, it wasn't about bonding. It was about protecting the life of the mother. I suppose most mothers were young and thrombosis wasn't a big risk, compared to others.

Now it's becoming a trend (at least a trend among crunchy mamas) for very different reasons.