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Jinjer 56: Oh My Stars It's a Reality Show Book! How Surprising - Not


Coconut Flan

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12 minutes ago, Snarkasarus Rex said:

Recommend a trust, and not just wills, if you have significant assets.

Really good point.  This is how my dad has his estate for our shares if he died before we launched.  He put stipulations that basically said the trust could be accessed for whatever we needed for school, medical, and living expenses while in college, but no carte blanche access until 21.  He knew what he was doing...my siblings would have been responsible younger, but I was not the kind of kid who could have handled a large sum of money waiting for me to turn 18.  Talk about a disaster in waiting.  

Edited by HerNameIsBuffy
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Just now, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Really good point.  This is how my dad has his estate for our shares if he died before we launched.  He put stipulations that basically said whatever the trust could be accessed for whatever we needed for school and living expenses while in college, but no carte blanche access until 21.  He knew what he was doing...my siblings would have been responsible younger, but I was not the kind of kid who could have handled a large sum of money waiting for me to turn 18.  Talk about a disaster in waiting.  

Yes! That was one of the big reasons we have one. Our kids also get graduated access to the trust once they turn 18 and would not gain complete control until they are 30. Having the assets in a trust also keeps them from being a marital asset should the kids not marry wisely...

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15 minutes ago, Snarkasarus Rex said:

Adding to the guardianship discussion...check in with your proposed guardians from time to time on whether or not they are still willing to take your kids. My in laws up and decided one day they were no longer willing to take ours although they are not little kids. So that definitely changed things and we made those changes when we updated our trust.

Good point. My SIL and BIL who had enthusiastically agreed to have MiniQuilt should anything happen to us, are now in the early stages of applying to adopt... I think if they have a potentially-traumatised child of their own, it may not be wise or possible for them to take on another. I haven't broached that with them yet.

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My "willed" kids are all adults now too. Insert praise hands. 3 Boys in 3 years plus my own son and daughter might have put us right over the edge. All stellar young adults, happy to report. I'm sure my brother and SIL would echo this response as they would have inherited our 2 if anything had happened to us.

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My father was fairly organized but he had resisted putting my brother (his executor) on his checking account until very late into his physical decline. When he finally went to the bank to add my brother, he was unable to do so because my deceased mother was still on the account, and the bank needed her signature to add my brother. They first needed to submit her death certificate and get approval from the bank to remove her prior to my father adding my brother. My father wound up in the hospital the following week and it was too late. It would have been SO much easier on all of us if my brother had been able to pay my father's bills with my father's own account, rather than our using our personal funds until my brother finally got access.

Moral of the story, if you expect to make any changes on any of your accounts, make sure deceased people are removed from the account. And make changes earlier rather than later.

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And if you've got both parents (especially those who are older) and kids (old enough to be of assistance if something were to happen) make sure your older children know where all the important documents are, not only for yourselves, but also for any parents/older family members (if there are those that you would need to carry out last wishes for) whether you also have those documents in your possession or they are in the home of the older family memebers.

I've been the older adult child "home" (my own home) and basically the point person for my grandparents on three occasions when my parents (who would normally have been primary contact/point people for any emergency / last wishes stuff if something happened totally unexpectedly) were out of the country or state, and 3 times had grandparents end up hospitalized in emergency conditions or die while they (my parents) were gone - and each time they were totally unexpected incidents/deaths.

The first time I was the only one even in the same country, let alone state, and I had no idea whether those things would be at my mom and dad's house or my grandparents home, and being the one dealing with everything, plus a heartbroken spouse, plus trying to contact my parents and their other kids all with everyone in other parts of the world (different time zones, not all with phone access, etc.) it was REALLY far from ideal...especially since some steps needed to be taken immediately, but it was hours before I could reach anyone to even know where all those end-of-life things were for my grandparents that first time.

It honestly hadn't crossed anyone's mind that something might happen when my parents were away, so no one thought to make sure I knew (and I didn't think to ask) where those things would have been for other family members.

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My attorney said she felt the Durable Power of Attorney was more important than having even a will. Not sure if everyone feels that way.  The bank did not recommend adding my son to my account, but he now has a POD (Pay on death) on both my accounts. Since he is named as my power of attorney, he can write checks if needed. Right? I'm still trying to understand all the things that happen. 

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5 hours ago, postscript said:

Piling on to the will/power of attorney discussion, both as an attorney and as someone who’s recently lost a parent. My mother was very organized, had her will and powers of attorney in order, discussed her wishes with her children. The one thing she didn’t do was add one of us to her accounts. 

So much good advice in this thread re planning for your death.  I have a living trust and any assets I have will go to my son.  His name is also on two bank accounts.  I do need to add him on my car title though.  

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30 minutes ago, Not that josh's mom said:

My attorney said she felt the Durable Power of Attorney was more important than having even a will. Not sure if everyone feels that way.  The bank did not recommend adding my son to my account, but he now has a POD (Pay on death) on both my accounts. Since he is named as my power of attorney, he can write checks if needed. Right? I'm still trying to understand all the things that happen. 

I have POA for my mom.  My name is also on her accounts.  Her attorney recommended both when we updated things after my dad died. 

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1 hour ago, Not that josh's mom said:

My attorney said she felt the Durable Power of Attorney was more important than having even a will. Not sure if everyone feels that way.  The bank did not recommend adding my son to my account, but he now has a POD (Pay on death) on both my accounts. Since he is named as my power of attorney, he can write checks if needed. Right? I'm still trying to understand all the things that happen. 

Just one thing to note...as a paralegal who deals a lot with the sales of Cooperative Estates...please note that Power of Attorneys cease to work upon death.....I've had people be surprised that they couldn't use a power of attorney after the person it was for died

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My husband and I got our affairs in order last year when covid hit. That sent me down a rabbit hole of thinking about death, planning, etc. I used to be a doula, and there are death doulas. It’s an interesting idea and while I’m not sure I could handle it, I can see how it would be of benefit for some. I had mentioned a book here on Swedish death cleaning, which I read as we were in the process of taking over and moving into my mom and dad’s house, which used to be my grandparents house. No one had ever thrown a thing away. It was insane. I truly had no idea what to keep, what to toss, what to give away. I also found a funeral director that makes you tube videos, Caitlin Doughty. I found her positive attitude towards death- particularly eco-death, so refreshing. I ended up taking a nine week course put together by her and a death doula named Alua Author about death positivity. Turns out I had a lot to work through surrounding my mother’s death in 2009. I am hoping for a green burial myself. Rambling on here, my thoughts are all over the place today. ?

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4 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

My husband and I got our affairs in order last year when covid hit. That sent me down a rabbit hole of thinking about death, planning, etc. I used to be a doula, and there are death doulas. It’s an interesting idea and while I’m not sure I could handle it, I can see how it would be of benefit for some. I had mentioned a book here on Swedish death cleaning, which I read as we were in the process of taking over and moving into my mom and dad’s house, which used to be my grandparents house. No one had ever thrown a thing away. It was insane. I truly had no idea what to keep, what to toss, what to give away. I also found a funeral director that makes you tube videos, Caitlin Doughty. I found her positive attitude towards death- particularly eco-death, so refreshing. I ended up taking a nine week course put together by her and a death doula named Alua Author about death positivity. Turns out I had a lot to work through surrounding my mother’s death in 2009. I am hoping for a green burial myself. Rambling on here, my thoughts are all over the place today. ?

I like her videos a lot and think she is filling a need for people to see death realistically.

I haven't been able to watch her lately as I am struggling so much with my fear of death right now (nothing going on medically, but I have low level terror due to religious issues which sometimes come to the fore and make me super weird about it.)

Was the course online?  So you could take it for help processing a previous death?  

You know how if you have an injury and it heals wrong you can have pain and limitations from it for years after?  I've thought for a long time that I healed wrong from the death of my parents and that's why I can't come to terms with certain things in regards to them.  It's like I need a psychological bone reset or something.  :) 

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@HerNameIsBuffy  It’s called the mortal course. I think it was around $200. https://www.mortalcourse.com/  I would highly recommend it. I had some big issues too- and truly I wasn’t even aware how pervasive they were in my life until I worked through the weeks. The first part is the two of them talking, the second part is a meditation. That one is a little tougher- it’s basically hard-core facing your own death. I shed a lot of tears and then after two sessions found myself at immense peace. Each week takes about 45 min and al you need is a computer, notebook, and a pen. I think facing everything head-on really takes the fear away. And the whole “knowledge is power” thing is so true for me. Good luck on your journey. ?

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18 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

@HerNameIsBuffy  It’s called the mortal course. I think it was around $200. https://www.mortalcourse.com/  I would highly recommend it. I had some big issues too- and truly I wasn’t even aware how pervasive they were in my life until I worked through the weeks. The first part is the two of them talking, the second part is a meditation. That one is a little tougher- it’s basically hard-core facing your own death. I shed a lot of tears and then after two sessions found myself at immense peace. Each week takes about 45 min and al you need is a computer, notebook, and a pen. I think facing everything head-on really takes the fear away. And the whole “knowledge is power” thing is so true for me. Good luck on your journey. ?

Thank you so much for this.  I have tried therapy a couple of times, but I didn't even know something like this existed and it's more in keeping with how I like to do things.  

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This board is amazing. I learn so much and I just really appreciate everyone here. 

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2 hours ago, fluffernutter said:

My husband and I got our affairs in order last year when covid hit. That sent me down a rabbit hole of thinking about death, planning, etc. I used to be a doula, and there are death doulas. It’s an interesting idea and while I’m not sure I could handle it, I can see how it would be of benefit for some. I had mentioned a book here on Swedish death cleaning, which I read as we were in the process of taking over and moving into my mom and dad’s house, which used to be my grandparents house. No one had ever thrown a thing away. It was insane. I truly had no idea what to keep, what to toss, what to give away. I also found a funeral director that makes you tube videos, Caitlin Doughty. I found her positive attitude towards death- particularly eco-death, so refreshing. I ended up taking a nine week course put together by her and a death doula named Alua Author about death positivity. Turns out I had a lot to work through surrounding my mother’s death in 2009. I am hoping for a green burial myself. Rambling on here, my thoughts are all over the place today. ?

At one point in my life, four close relatives (3 with houses, 1 with an apartment) passed away within 4 years, leaving me and my siblings the task job of clearing the years of stuff each one had acquired. I learned much through the process. I have a lot of end-of-life matters taken care of. I read the Swedish death cleaning book. It was okay but really didn't tell me much more than I already knew or did. 

However, I never heard of a death doula. I will definitely look up the Caitlin Doughty video. The death positivity course sounds too intense for me. Living in a small town for years, more and more people I know are passing away. It sort of forces you to look at things in a more insightful way.

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2 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Thank you so much for this.  I have tried therapy a couple of times, but I didn't even know something like this existed and it's more in keeping with how I like to do things.  

Me too. If I tried to talk about how I felt I would just cry. And it was so so complicated (my mom’s decline and death) and had so many layers, it would’ve taken forever to unpack it all. So much better to do this on my own time. They give you a year to complete it so if there’s one area that’s particularly trying you can take a break or even do it twice. There is also a message board but it’s not very active. I also had issues moving into this house- my grandparents are gone, my mom is gone, we are caring for my dad, and my uncle perished in a fire here in 1998. So a lot to work through. It is more geared towards your own death, rather than others, but I would say it definitely helped me.  

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On 5/19/2021 at 8:29 PM, AprilQuilt said:

Good point. My SIL and BIL who had enthusiastically agreed to have MiniQuilt should anything happen to us, are now in the early stages of applying to adopt... I think if they have a potentially-traumatised child of their own, it may not be wise or possible for them to take on another. I haven't broached that with them yet.

Yikes, I got a downvote for this! I don't know why and I know I'm not meant to push on that, but to clarify: If my ILs adopt a child, it'll be a domestic adoption of an older child. However well adjusted that child is, they'll deserve total and unwavering security in every area: in their home, their space, their adoptive parents' attention and regard. They don't need some extra kid muscling in on any of that. And if MiniQuilt lost us she'd be in bad shape and have big needs too. Maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't, but all the kids involved would deserve better than to just get on with it. And I'd never expect the adults to find all the bandwidth for it. Just thinking pragmatically about what would be best for everyone.

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47 minutes ago, AprilQuilt said:

Yikes, I got a downvote for this! I don't know why and I know I'm not meant to push on that, but to clarify: If my ILs adopt a child, it'll be a domestic adoption of an older child. However well adjusted that child is, they'll deserve total and unwavering security in every area: in their home, their space, their adoptive parents' attention and regard. They don't need some extra kid muscling in on any of that. And if MiniQuilt lost us she'd be in bad shape and have big needs too. Maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't, but all the kids involved would deserve better than to just get on with it. And I'd never expect the adults to find all the bandwidth for it. Just thinking pragmatically about what would be best for everyone.

You’re right we don’t discuss downvotes in the threads (there is a thread on CD for that) but keep in mind it’s super easy to accidentally downvote on mobile so if you see one on an innocuous post I wouldn’t worry about it.

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21 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

You’re right we don’t discuss downvotes in the threads (there is a thread on CD for that) but keep in mind it’s super easy to accidentally downvote on mobile so if you see one on an innocuous post I wouldn’t worry about it.

Thank you, that is kind! I'd hate for it to come over that I was viewing adoption negatively, rather than acknowledging its challenges.

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@HerNameIsBuffy, if you have the money for it, I second the Mortal Course. I was terrified of dying (& hell) and the course helped me come to terms with it. 

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My parents gave both me and my sister our inheritances this year since we both were ready to buy houses, and there was no way either of us could afford a down payment on our own. However, they still don't have a will that specifies how the rest of their assets will be divided, which makes me nervous. They keep saying they'll get around to it.

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I couldn’t quote everyone but thanks for the advice about the will and my parents. I’ll keep trying to talk to them. 

I know wills are important. My husband passed away unexpectedly in January w/no will and I had to deal with everything on top of grieving & my 3 teens. Most things were in both our names so that’s made it easier. Still working on the vehicles though, which were in just his name.  

My father passed away years ago (my parents mentioned above are my mom and technically my step father but he’s been my dad since I was 8.). He had terminal cancer and arranged everything he possibly could. My sister and I basically only had to pick the date of the funeral. He made it so easy for us. 

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I also found a funeral director that makes you tube videos, Caitlin Doughty. 

She also wrote a book called Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory about starting her mortuary career, I highly recommend it.

Speaking of books, I will eventually purchase a copy of the Vuolos's book for my library. I say eventually because with all Duggar books, I wait to buy used and save the difference.

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  • Coconut Flan changed the title to Jinjer 56: Oh My Stars It's a Reality Show Book! How Surprising - Not
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