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Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 31


GreyhoundFan

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"Giggity Island"

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Congressman Matt Gaetz spoke at an event Friday night in Florida where he attacked the “lying media,” and “decried” the smears against him, the “wild conspiracy theories,” and “distortions” of his personal life. He continued to claim these investigations are from an extortion attempt against him from a Justice Department official who hasn’t worked there in over 25 years.

What wasn’t weird about this is that Gaetz gave his little pity-party speech at a Trump resort (when they do this, they basically give Donald Trump money). What is weird is this was an event by a women’s group. OK, a Women for Trump group…but still.

Matt Gaetz is being looked at by the Justice Department over accusations he slept with a minor and flew her across state lines and put her up in hotel rooms just for that purpose. He’s also accused of paying other women for sex. Matt Gaetz’s defense, other than someone’s blackmailing him, is that he hasn’t slept with a minor since he was a minor and he’s never paid for sex. His proof he’s never paid for sex is his face…which looks like the result of an ugly Kennedy banging an ugly Matt Damon in the backseat of an ugly car that was parked in an ugly tree from where Gaetz fell out of hitting every ugly branch on the way down.

Now, there’s a new investigation into Gaetz shenanigans. This one is by the House Ethics Committee which already knows Matt Gaetz doesn’t have any ethics. This is serious stuff. His buddy and lounge-lizard wingman, Joel Greenberg, is flipping on Gaetz and the Justice Department is interested in making a deal.

The Justice Department may want Gaetz more than Greenberg. But the only way they’ll cut a deal with Gaetz’s buddy is if crimes committed against Gaetz are worse than the ones Greenburg committed, who is facing over 30 charges that include sex trafficking, and if Greenberg has evidence. When a deal is made with prosecutors, you have to tell and give them everything before a deal is made. There has to be evidence.

The Daily Beast found evidence. There are track records of Gaetz sending Venmo payments to Greenberg, who then sent the payments to women. There are more documents similar to these Venmo payments currently being validated by the Beast and other media outlets before they will be published. If these payments connect Gaetz to paying for sex, or sex with a minor, or sex trafficking, in legal terms, he’s fucked. If he goes to prison, it’s a good think he likes fucking.

Gaetz says he’s innocent. He also spent a chunk of his Friday night speech claiming Donald Trump won the election and it was stolen from him. I don’t need to see a Venmo payment to know Matt Gaetz is a liar.

Matt Gaetz has spent his entire time as a Congressman, and his entire life before that, being a sleazy cheap piece of crap. He helped Trump spread lies. He threatened people testifying against Trump. He mocked the coronavirus by wearing a gas mask on the floor of the House. He flew to a Republican colleague’s district to campaign against her because she voted to impeach Trump. Reportedly, he shared nude photos of women he supposedly slept with to colleagues on the House floor. And according to some Trump White House staffers, Gaetz asked for a blanket pardon for himself.

Donald Trump released a statement saying Gaetz never asked him for a pardon. That could mean Gaetz didn’t ask him…directly, but asked staffers. Trump also said to remember that Gaetz has denied the accusations, which is a pattern for Trump. He believes a denial is proof of innocence…or some sort of get-of-sex-crime-jail-free card. He told us Alabama judge and Senate candidate, Roy Moore, denied the accusations he was a mall-food-court predator. He said that about himself from charges of unwanted kissing, groping, and even rape.

But that’s as far as Donald Trump went to defend Gaetz. Gaetz spent the past four years being a Trump sycophant and this is the loyalty that buys you. Donald Trump didn’t appear with Gaetz at Friday’s event, even though it was at a Trump resort. Donald Trump is being advised to avoid Matt Gaetz which is the same advice that should be given to underage girls.

Only two Republican members of congress have supported Gaetz over the past ten days and said he’s innocent. They are Jim Jordan, who is a Trump sycophant and has a history of looking the other way when people commit sex crimes, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, who is a lunatic but still scrubbed her Twitter feed of photos of her with Gaetz. Not one other Republican will defend Gaetz…not even anonymously.

I predict Matt Gaetz will eventually flee the country to a nation that doesn’t extradite. Maybe to an island nation as he’s already on an island all by himself. It may be an island of no return.

 

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"Vaccine Passport"

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What are vaccine passports and why are they so controversial?

Let’s address the controversial part first. They’re controversial because Republicans whine about everything. White male conservatives are the most persecuted group in world history…if you listen to them. They made the coronavirus political. They denied it existed. They politicized wearing face masks. They tried to downplay the deaths and are still working to remove the virus as the cause for many of them. They were willing to sacrifice their grandparents and children to reopen the economy to help Donald Trump’s reelection. A lot of Republicans are claiming the vaccine is a way for the government to track you. And leave it to Republicans to make something racist out of the virus. Republicans think being denied the ability to discriminate against other people is discrimination against them.

Now, they’re upset over there being passports for the vaccine. Red hillbilly states like Florida and Texas, home to such evil sports teams as the Buccaneers and Cowboys, are trying to outlaw the passports. But what is the vaccine passport?

The vaccine passport is a digital chip the government inserts inside your brain so when you try to enter someplace, like a football stadium, a grocery store, or your local center for indoctrination and re-education, someone can scan your head to confirm it’s safe for others if you enter. Those who refuse to be vaccinated will be restrained to a chair with their eyelids opened by clamps and forced to watch A Clockwork Orange repeatedly while being fed soylent green through a tube.

Just kidding. There is a severe shortage of soylent green.

Seriously, it’s a digital code you can carry in your smartphone…that’s already tracking you. Right now, Mark Zuckerberg knows where you are…and he wants you to wash your hands before you stick them in what you’re planning to stick them into. He sees you and thinks what you’re doing is disgusting. Ew. You nasty.

It’s not really a passport. It’s a certificate. But these things are not anything new. Proof of vaccinations for various viruses have long been used to gain entry into schools, medical facilities, or other nations.

Let me ask our fucknut friends this question: If someone returns from an Ebola hot zone in Africa, should they show proof they were vaccinated before entering the United States? Conservatives will most likely say yes and that it’s a different circumstance than the coronavirus. I’ll let you work out why that would be different.

Here’s the important detail, kids: The “passport” is NOT a federal thing. Nope. It’s not. Sure, Fox News probably told you some bullshit, between airings of the supposed Hunter Biden sex tape with two women, that it’s being mandated by President Joe Biden and they’re going to send Susan Rice house to house checking for passports, and those who don’t have them will be placed on trains because if they’re allowed to continue running around all willy-nilly like, they’ll make it difficult to steal the next election from Donald Trump.

That’s the equivalency Republicans are using. It’s just like when Nazis branded Jews, then put them on trains, melted the gold in their teeth so Hitler could buy more paintings to hide in Switzerland, branded them with numbers, then murdered them in gas chambers and used their bodies for soap. Sure, showing a QR code on your iPhone to enter Costco to purchase 88 gallons of mayonnaise is exactly like that. It’s crazy, right? Who needs that much mayonnaise?

It should be noted the federal government has NOT mandated that you receive a vaccine. These so-called passports are for local governments and businesses to decide. Say you get a vaccine and the provider gives you a code. It’s up to businesses to decide if they require you to have it to enter, though Florida and Texas want to outlaw businesses from being able to do this.

I had a conversation with a cartoonist friend fairly recently. We’ll call him Glenn. Glenn says he had the coronavirus a few months ago and he will not be taking the vaccine. He argued more people have died from the vaccine than from a second case of the virus. Glenn’s argument is based on ignorance. It ignores there are variants of the virus. It ignores we don’t have all the information on these variants yet. He ignores that the CDC advises you to get the vaccine even if you had the virus. He also believe face masks are stealing liberty. But the one thing that really stood out to me about Glenn’s argument was that it was all about Glenn.

Glenn only talked about how getting the vaccine would affect Glenn. He didn’t talk about how it would affect those around him, his family and friends, or society in general. Glenn is a Trump-supporting racist fucknut. He loves MAGA terrorists and false equivalencies. He loves using conspiracy theories to push baseless arguments. He believes he’s a patriot while demanding the nation reopen while not personally offering any sacrifices of his own to reopen the nation…like taking the vaccine. Glenn also supports voter IDs that are mandated…wait for it…by the government.

Seriously. Is this a false equivalency? No, it’s not. Voting is a constitutional right. You should not have to pay for an ID to vote. You should not have trouble getting an ID to vote. Republicans want the government to mandate that an ID must be presented to vote. Republicans also want it to be as difficult as fucking possible to get an ID to vote…if you’re black. But, they want a bakery to have the right to refuse to make a gay wedding cake with two baseball player figurines on the top, but not the right to require you have proof of a vaccination to enter.

Personally, I’m for a federal mandate where every conservative Trump-supporting fucknut is branded on the forehead just so we know what we’re dealing with when we encounter them. We can call it the “Aldo Raine Program.” While we’re at it, we should brand those who think they need 88 gallons of mayonnaise.

 

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