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Bontrager/Bowers 8: Cringeworthy


samurai_sarah

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I have a couple of theories about Allison right now, all speculation, and some that have been mentioned at least once in the last few pages (but I'm not good at doing the quote boxes right).  I will say that I think that her being depressed, unhappy, or just having a hard time adjusting to a new life is at least part of the problem here, if not the whole thing. 

1. I think she might be unhappy with the way she looked (as a few posters have talked about already). Even if she didn't gain a LOT of weight, a changing body, not being her typical very slim self, might be something she's struggling with. I'm thinking particularly about how it looked like she had lost a bunch of weight before the wedding-- perhaps she is really concerned with being skinny for her husband, or perhaps there's messages (direct or more subtle) from her husband or in-laws about the importance of thinness. And not just weight- pregnancy changes your body around and it can be uncomfortable and unsettling for some people.

2. She didn't want to get pregnant right away. She wanted to decorate her nice new house and make a nice circle of friends and have people over for tea parties and build a good foundation in their church-- and THEN, after a year or so of being there, get pregnant and have a gaggle of new girlfriends to throw her a nice shower and give her hand-me-downs and generally be there for her. I have a feeling she hasn't had much of an opportunity to make friends there, between the pandemic shutting things down (not that it's stopping them from doing what they want but if things aren't open, you can't go do them even if you don't believe in Covid), the cold winter, and perhaps being in a relatively small town(? not sure how small their town is but that isn't exactly a hugely populated state in general). 

3. She doesn't especially want to be pregnant and having a kid at all. She always seemed to enjoy her siblings and niblings, but as much as she talked about it, I never really got the impression that she was DYING to be a parent. She seemed like she was DYING to get married, but even then-- some fundies it seems like they really want to get married so they can be homemakers and mothers, and with her it seemed like she really wanted to get married because she wanted to be in love and have romance in her life. I don't know, I guess maybe I don't think she never wants kids but that she's not wanting a ton and didn't want them now and isn't that excited by the prospect of parenting. I think if she was stoked about it, even if she didn't feel well (unless she was VERY sick), she'd still be talking about nurseries and names and bumps because she talks a lot about the stuff she really likes-- coffee with her friends, kissing her dude, hanging out with Chelsy. 

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7 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

There is a Wissmann thread I made. You just have to search for it. It’s not on the front page since they aren’t talked about as often as some families. The thread talks a lot about how they pose for pictures like dating couples. They’ve been doing this for many years.

Sorry about that. I didn't realize there was a Wissmann thread already. Yeah, I've seen a ton of creepy poses done by the Wissmann siblings. Every time I see one I think about how the snarkers heads would explode if the Duggar/Bates siblings ever posed like that.

Edited by hoipolloi
Sorry guys. I'm not sure why it posted the same comment a million times. I tried to fix it but clearly my fix-it didn't work...
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@AverageGiraffe, I agree with your observations 1000%.  When compared to her sister Chelsy, Allison does not come off as loving domesticity as much as she does interacting with other adults, be they the customers at the Inn or the young women at the retreats.  Now she is married to a guy who is hopefully kind to her but who does not strike me as a particularly exciting companion.  Her mother is off enabling her goofball dad in his singing ministry and she is stuck trying her best to leave and cleave while pregnant far away from her support system.

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33 minutes ago, petrushka said:

@AverageGiraffe, I agree with your observations 1000%.  When compared to her sister Chelsy, Allison does not come off as loving domesticity as much as she does interacting with other adults, be they the customers at the Inn or the young women at the retreats.  Now she is married to a guy who is hopefully kind to her but who does not strike me as a particularly exciting companion.  Her mother is off enabling her goofball dad in his singing ministry and she is stuck trying her best to leave and cleave while pregnant far away from her support system.

I was also under the impression that the elder Helferiches, pre-pandemic, spent winters on missioncation in Mexico.  I'm thinking they aren't doing that this year, and maybe are generally grumpy about it. Also, remember that Allison has also grown up spending part of every winter on music tours of Mexico and the American South--including that Florida Prison crusade that Pa Keller is involved in. Allison may be an Iowa farm girl, but months and months of Minnesota winter maybe be more snow and cold than she's used to--even though she expressed dislike for tour bus life

 

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On 2/22/2021 at 5:37 AM, fundiefan said:

I just clicked the link for the mighty men shit show. This is how they describe Denver -in part:

In the line of Daniel Boone, Denver is a rugged outdoorsman who engages in trapping, hunting, and riding four wheelers. He loves pushups

If that doesn't scream manliest man to ever man, I don't know what does. 

I thought they were referring to his snack food of choice!

Spoiler

pushup.jpeg.308dc958e5c8b007827fe06509f09ff3.jpeg

 

On 2/22/2021 at 11:16 PM, ophelia said:

I find Allision quite insufferable, but I also begin to feel sorry and worry about her.

I might be able to summon up some pity for her, but that's about it.

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Allison posted a bump picture on her Instagram stories asking for clothing recommendations. This is much more in line with how Allison has always posted. She used to ask for recommendations in the past. I remember she asked for bridesmaid dress recommendations. 

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On the instagram post of her kissing in her wedding dress, there was a random comment about her parents not commenting on her pregnancy and forcing her into the marriage.

Surprisingly, Allison responded

Quote

Sometimes the things people assume are just downright astonishing and ridiculous. My sweet parents kindly honored our wishes to wait to post till a little later on, a time after we had. And anyone who knows us personally knows that we are incredibly, completely happier than we thought possible in our marriage that was anything but forced!!! We both married in our mid twenties and waited for the kind of person we truly wished to be with/believed God had for us. We’re so very grateful for the Lord’s goodness in bringing us together! Our dear parents on both sides were a total support and blessing to us in the process.

Obviously the original comment was extremely rude, and I am surprised Allison didn't just delete it. 

At the same time, her response didn't convince me that this wasn't an arranged courtship.  A more natural response would be "We actually noticed each other over a year ago, but wanted to keep things quiet because our families were so close. We fell in love after many months of long distance courting.  It's a blessing our families are friends, but this was most definitely not their arrangement, but Gods!" 

Instead it's "we're the happiest, happy couple in the world, this is a godly marriage, we did everything God wanted, no one forced me." (Also, if my husband described us falling in love as a "process" I would laugh so hard.)

I hope she's really okay.  She's had three major life events in less than a year (moving, marriage, baby) - that's a lot for any one.  If she is struggling, I hope she has someone she can talk to.  I worry that Allison's need to appear perfect might cause her to not open up to Chelsy or other close friends. 

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5 hours ago, MomJeans said:

On the instagram post of her kissing in her wedding dress, there was a random comment about her parents not commenting on her pregnancy and forcing her into the marriage.

Surprisingly, Allison responded

Obviously the original comment was extremely rude, and I am surprised Allison didn't just delete it. 

At the same time, her response didn't convince me that this wasn't an arranged courtship.  A more natural response would be "We actually noticed each other over a year ago, but wanted to keep things quiet because our families were so close. We fell in love after many months of long distance courting.  It's a blessing our families are friends, but this was most definitely not their arrangement, but Gods!" 

Instead it's "we're the happiest, happy couple in the world, this is a godly marriage, we did everything God wanted, no one forced me." (Also, if my husband described us falling in love as a "process" I would laugh so hard.)

I hope she's really okay.  She's had three major life events in less than a year (moving, marriage, baby) - that's a lot for any one.  If she is struggling, I hope she has someone she can talk to.  I worry that Allison's need to appear perfect might cause her to not open up to Chelsy or other close friends. 

Thank you for posting that reply to a comment. I'm hoping she's okay. Among other things, hearing Marlin and Becky called "sweet" is a major red flag. Those two aren't sweet. 

The Bontragers usually try to reply to comments. 

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For a real kool-aided fundie, an arranged marriage is not what we heathens consider. We all know Bontragers-Bowers marriages were arranged, but parents brainwashed the young couples it was God's will and probably even succeed in making them think it was a free decision to marry or not to marry. I remember reading their "love" stories and obviously Joshua wasn't in love. His words were clear.

I have the same suspiction in Allison's case. She is an idealist and probably thinks that no matter how in love you are/aren't, hard work makes it better. While it is true that relationships need to be feed, it is very difficult to became enamored if you weren't at the beginning. If a relationship works, time makes it better because the confidence, the tenderness, the projects in common, etc. But the romantic part of it, is usually heavier at the beginning. In short, I think an arranged marriage can work IF both work hard on it, but it is no possible to built a romantic/sexual attraction. It happens or not happens. And is not necessary for a relationship to work... It just depends on expectations.

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I always thought Allison secretly wanted to have a career. She always seemed to enjoy working at the Inn. I think for her getting pregnant is a final realization for her that that is not going to happen. I think she probably "wanted" to get married and have kids because that is what she has always been told she wants. However, I think she had a desire for the career too. Now, the reality is sinking in for her that she has made her choice.  

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I agree that speculation can go off the rails. 

But, I don't believe for a second her existence is as perfect as she claims and I don't believe she is the happiest happy person to ever be happy.

People can, and do, hold more than one thought/idea at a time. It's actually quite easy. 

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I could see her wanting a husband and kids but being so extremely focused on the romance, wedding planning, and big move that she may not have thought through the possibility that she could get pregnant on her honeymoon. None of her siblings got pregnant on their honeymoon. Although the Boners got pregnant around a month into marriage. Chelsey and John got pregnant around 3.5-4 months into marriage and Mitch took even longer. Don’t quote me on these numbers. They are rough estimates. But it looks like Allison may have gotten pregnant right away and I doubt she expected that. None of the Maxwell’s got pregnant right away along with plenty of other fundies. Although they usually get pregnant within the first 6 months. 

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They finally posted about Allison’s pregnancy on the Bontrager blog. No new info, they used the same picture Allison used to announce and didn’t narrow down the date. 

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13 minutes ago, VBOY9977 said:

They finally posted about Allison’s pregnancy on the Bontrager blog. No new info, they used the same picture Allison used to announce and didn’t narrow down the date. 

Grand baby #9 says it all. They only care about the numbers. My parents never referred to any of their grandchildren as a number. 

Edited by JermajestyDuggar
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3 hours ago, VBOY9977 said:

They finally posted about Allison’s pregnancy on the Bontrager blog. No new info, they used the same picture Allison used to announce and didn’t narrow down the date. 

I find it superweird that there is no new photo

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There are these people in my life who seem normal sometimes and fundie other times. One of the fundiest moments was when an announcement of one of the grandchildren being born. It said this was clearly this was grandchild # and ony mentioned the parents casually. It neglected to point out that this way baby number 1 for the parents.  People like this and the Bontragers forget that other people aren't sure how many kids each of your kids have. 

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My grandparents each had a decent number of grandchildren and they were always good about making each grandchild feel special. My grandparents did brag on the total number of grandkids I guess. But they could tell you all about each grandchild. They loved to brag about their grandkids’ achievements. Like honor roll and sports. My parents only have a few grandkids so it would be weird to number them. I honestly don’t want a ton of grandkids since I only have 2 kids. I would be like JB Duggar’s dad. If one of my boys had a ridiculous amount of kids I would probably have a hard time hiding my worry. 

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New picture up of the couple. Does she not have anything of her own in the house? Because Allison, those aren’t your 1980s duck glasses. 

Edited by deborahlynn1979
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31 minutes ago, deborahlynn1979 said:

New picture up of the couple. Does she not have anything of her own in the house? Because Allison, those aren’t your 1980s duck glasses. 

? I think someone in my family had those back in the 80s! They look so familiar.

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33 minutes ago, deborahlynn1979 said:

New picture up of the couple. Does she not have anything of her own in the house? Because Allison, those aren’t your 1980s duck glasses. 

The picture is from one year ago. They were courting then. 

They haven't changed anything in the house.

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5 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

? I think someone in my family had those back in the 80s! They look so familiar.

One of my family members who got married in the late 80s had lots of stuff with white geese wearing a blue bow around their neck, just like those glasses. I don't know how many things she has left, but I bet the cookie jar is still around!

Spoiler

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17 minutes ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

One of my family members who got married in the late 80s had lots of stuff with white geese wearing a blue bow around their neck, just like those glasses. I don't know how many things she has left, but I bet the cookie jar is still around!

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Yes! Geese were so big in the 80s for decorating kitchens for some reason. And then Ivy was big in the 90s if I remember correctly. 

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@JermajestyDuggar, I skipped the geese and the ivy, but I collected a lot of kitchen things in the late 80s. (I moved out on my own in the early 90s.) So, my older kitchen stuff is mainly dusty rose, slate blue, navy blue, and white. I stuck to my favorites from childhood, so I have rabbits, cats, and the Pillsbury Doughboy in my stuff. Timelessly childish! :pb_lol:

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My mom had the cookie jar— I think it may have been Home Interiors, which was early MLM I believe?

I don’t know the Bontragers as, well, strangely well as I know some others, but Allison gives me the sads. Chelsy and John seem really prepared and “blessed” compared to the lot she drew. 

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On 3/5/2021 at 9:51 AM, Melissa1977 said:

The picture is from one year ago. They were courting then. 

They haven't changed anything in the house.

Nothing says "living in your own space" quite like changing nothing in decor from before you moved in. They undoubtedly have their own bedroom, but I'm dubious about the rest. 

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