Bontrager/Bowers 8: Cringeworthy

[ophelia]

11 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

No surprise there!

Allison makes long winded posts about how wonderful marriage is and then announces her first pregnancy with a short post and no cutesy picture. It just seems so unlike her not to make some long drawn out post announcing this pregnancy and talking about how amazing it all is. 

No surprise that she is pregnant, but I have to say that I'm somewhat 'disappointed' by her announcement. Like somebody mentioned before, even the Maxwells get to put more love and warmth in announcements like that. She must be so miserable.

[IsmeWeatherwax]

I do feel sorry for Allison (usual disclaimers). She is living the life she was born for, no ifs or buts, marriage and babies babies babies. Tho this was her only life path, I dont feel this is what she really wanted. When she was working, living and running the hotel, she seemed to be properly happy, which is sad.

In 1961 my mother HAD to get married, she was 4 months pregnant with my eldest sister. This was not the life my mother wanted. She never wanted to marry or have children, she was doing her nurses training at the time and that was her life goal. So mother made for an unhappy wife and unhappy mother. 

She just seems miserable. Its not fair for her, she has NO other option. I dont really know what Im trying to say so, words.

[Angelface]

1 hour ago, IsmeWeatherwax said:

 

She just seems miserable. Its not fair for her, she has NO other option. I dont really know what Im trying to say so, words.

I think that it is more that she doesn’t think that she has other options. Does she have her GED or high school diploma equivalent? She has real work experience running the hotel. If, and it’s a big if, Jeremiah was supportive of her working (before babies) she could probably work part time and still keep home. I don’t think that either Allison or Jeremiah realise that they get to choose their path not Pa Bontrager or Pa Hellferich. Living with the in-laws and Jeremiah working for daddy really hinders them being independent. They are all so enmeshed in the wider family it doesn’t give much option for branching out and doing their own thing. They are trapped. Trapped into following their parents plans for them, trapped by either living with or in property owned by Ma and Pa Hellferich, working for the family also traps them financially and now they are well and truly trapped by this early pregnancy. Before they have really got to know each other, lived alone, argued, made a home, settled into living with each other and recognised that THEY are grown ups and don’t have to answer to daddy, they are going to become parents and most likely inflict their awful beliefs and lifestyle on the baby. All in all it does not bode well for future happiness. Maybe they will grow up and realise that they DO have options but, at the moment, it seems extremely unlikely. They don’t even seem to have chemistry... so sad, but, this is the life that they have always known would be their future. I wonder how long it will take Allison to realise and admit that she wants a slightly different path.

[christiane87]

4 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I'm a bit worried for the baby. She's 6 months pregnant (?). It's a very late announcement. I wonder if it's been a risky pregnancy or if she had major health problems. The lack of emotion worries me, because even Maxwells are warmer in their announcements. And the picture she used is from last summer, as if she had no recent pictures

Yes, it all seems so weird... The announcement sounded as if it was a news randomly thrown in the middle of all the posts about the bliss of marriage and "how great my hubby is" ... Like "oh btw, speaking of married life, we're having a baby too" 

I don't know, I also hope she is "just" exhausted and there's no major issues with the baby's and her health behind this unexpected behaviour. 

Also, no announcement on the Bonts blog yet, but maybe it'll come today. If not, the whole thing would become even weirder. 

[Bethy]

11 hours ago, TheGleeTeam said:

Anyway, Allison will be pretty far along by her brother/Jeremiah's sister's wedding in March but not right at her due date or anything, it sounds like. 

Admittedly I don't really follow the Bonts beyond their connection to the Maxes through Chelsy, but...her brother is marrying her husband's sister? So now they'll be double-intertwined with the Helferichs AND the Bowerses? I used to think that sort of thing was sweet (plus it kind of streamlined spending holidays together once the kids start getting married, if everybody is intertwined with the same family) but the Morton/Smith debacle ruined me on that. If something goes wrong, then it's not just one couple having to determine where their loyalties should go - it's two or three. 

[fundiefan]

Look at the picture she used for her announcement. She's not showing. She's in sandals & short sleeves. The trees & grass are green.

That's not a recent picture. Minnesota has been under snow longer than we have, and we've been buried since late December. We've been cold & without green since November.

If she's due late spring, she is currently 5 or 6 months pregnant. (and married all of 6 months - oh, the shock). 

She held off announcing, hasn't waxed poetic about the greatness of a new life in a new marriage and all god all the time. She announces at 5-6 months and uses an old picture to do so. 

Allison is attempting a carefully crafted situation. Whatever that is and whatever the reasons, who knows when talking about a programmed fundie newlywed. But, she is not being totally honest. Of course, no one is required to share anything - but if you're not gonna' be honest on your fluffly little IG account, then say nothing at all. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

Someone asked about the Shaw family that the Bontragers visited. Here is their website. They are called Citizens of Glory. All the kids are in the band except their youngest brother who has Down syndrome. 
 

https://www.citizensofglory.com

[anachronistic]

When I saw that it was a ‘gift from the Lord’ my first thought was, oh, Allison, honey, you’re 6 months pregnant and you still don’t know how it works?

[Tangy Bee]

Wow, her 1st pregnancy and she's just "whatever" about it. Wondering why she announced later in the pregnancy. Hope things have been going well with her health.

[ophelia]

16 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Someone asked about the Shaw family that the Bontragers visited. Here is their website. They are called Citizens of Glory. All the kids are in the band except their youngest brother who has Down syndrome. 
 

https://www.citizensofglory.com

Clicked on the link and my first thought was: "That's a lot of jumpsuits in one picture." And I understand why some folks could see a match wie the Bateseseseses. The daughters are fundie but fashionable and seems to exactly what the Bates sons are looking for.

[petrushka]

Completely speculative here--I wonder if Allison is secretly disappointed to be pregnant so quickly in her new life.  I could imagine her dreaming of time to still take part in her ladies retreats, fixing up her new home, and doing things with her sisters in law, maybe (gasp) learning about her own sexual needs, just generally having time to adjust to being a couple with Jeremiah.  Instead, she is likely fighting significant morning sickness and coping with all the hormonal changes of pregnancy.  I hope her MIL is kind and sympathetic to her.

[fundiefollower]

The picture she posted in the announcement does not appear to be remotely recent either.  There is not a flake of snow on the ground, the grass still has tufts of green peeking through, neither has a jacket on (they live in MN) and she has on summer sandals.   Looks like a late fall picture (at best) to me, as a fellow northerner.

Edited February 18, 2021 by fundiefollower

[Nothing if not critical]

17 minutes ago, petrushka said:

I hope her MIL is kind and sympathetic to her.

Pure speculation, obviously, but the vibes I got from her MIL in the wedding pics were anything but kind...

[Angelface]

In her Instagram picture she looks to be wearing a short sleeved maternity shirt; there appears to be ruching on the side. I speculate that this is a honeymoon baby and that she has had bad morning sickness. I really do not envy her in her new married life. Looks like it was “out of the frying pan and into the fire” going from her family to his. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Angelface
Typo

[IsmeWeatherwax]

@Angelface  Many on here who have managed to leave the cults have said how difficult it is. Its mentally damaging even years later. Many are shunned. Where would they go? Where would they live? Do they even know they can do these things? Or do they know but the fallout from it is not worth it?

She wouldnt be able to get a normal part time job! Showing that the man cant provide so the little woman has to?! Work for the family or maybe friends, but not paid. Getting a job because its what she enjoys is just not going to happen.

She has spent her entire 26? years having no other thought other than what Marlin tells her to have. (Jeremiah is unknown) She is not like us, she doesnt have the freedoms we have. Even her wedding was taken away from her and turned into the Marlin show. I will give her my sympathies, it must be hell.

The thought of putting myself in her shoes makes me shudder.

[Giraffe]

I feel sorry for her. I've known a number of people who married after only knowing each other a few months and all of them would tell anyone who thought it was romantic how hard their first couple years of marriage were and would try to dispel people's romantic notions because it ended up being anything but. I also sat through so many bible studies where married and pregnant women were complaining about something but would end it with this stupid lie to the single women about how it's good because god gives them the grace to handle whatever it is with grace and peace, not realizing how hypocritical they were being by outright lying to the women who'd just heard them complaining about something! Instead of rethinking how they did things they double down and cause even more harm to others who could avoid the same pain if they'd stop with the stupid basically arranged marriage bullshit. Alison could be having a completely typical pregnancy but still be dealing with tremendous disappointment and a huge letdown as she gets an insider's look at the first year of marriage to someone she barely knows. She's in a world where honeymoon babies is seen as ideal and is held up to this Disney fairytale expectation and yet the reality may be horrible. The non fundies I've known who've gotten pregnant a couple months after meeting someone either stay with the person because they feel obligated to or have broken up before the baby's born. Alison doesn't have that option in her world but is probably experiencing the same struggles they did before breaking up. Her blog showed how naive and delusional her beliefs were and yet they were completely normal for her community. She probably has to constantly gaslight herself to put on an "everything's great because we did it god's way!!!" face so it's easier to stop blogging than to keep up the facade. 

[Caroline]

A good friend of mine who died of cancer at a young age  was the only true fundamentalist Christian I knew.  She and I had been friends from junior high and she got 'saved' sometime in high school.  She was discouraged from having friends who weren't born again (like me) but she ignored that mandate in the case of our friendship because a small piece of her knew that was a silly expectation. We didn't talk about religion, and she only tried to save me once.  I let her know how I felt and the subject didn't come up again.  She married in her early 20's and had two babies very quickly.  She was miserable and trying really hard to convince people she was happy because she was doing thing's God's way.  She even took a course called 'Biblical Womanhood (I think) in order to convince herself that her church was right.  Her husband was unfaithful to her, and that almost made her leave.  That experience made her nearly suicidal and she told me that she had very nearly killed herself and her children.  It was horrible, but she slowly made her way out of that life with the help of medical professionals.  She remained a very devout Baptist, but with more reasonable expectations of herself.  Her husband died young of an undiagnosed heart condition.  She lived a good fifteen years longer than him, and I think she was much happier on her own even though being a single parent was challenging.   I married well into my 30's and had a child when I was almost 40.  My friend told me I had done it right because I had all the things she really wanted:  a good education, a chance to travel, a career I enjoyed, and most importantly the opportunity to marry when I wanted and whom I wanted.  No one could sell me the fundie life style for any amount of money.

[usmcmom]

I wonder what “late spring” means on a fundie calendar. 
 

My daughter is due in mid May and is twenty eight weeks along. She is probably just a couple weeks ahead of Allison. 
 

We believe in birth control, working moms and women in pants and I think we are more excited about “our” baby than the Bontrager family is about any of their babies. I’m not surprised it has not been on the family blog yet. They really only look at each grandkid as a number. 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

19 minutes ago, usmcmom said:

We believe in birth control, working moms and women in pants and I think we are more excited about “our” baby than the Bontrager family is about any of their babies. I’m not surprised it has not been on the family blog yet. They really only look at each grandkid as a number. 

Hooray for "your" new baby! ?

Even in "secular" society, some people only seem to get excited about first babies. My mom was still teaching when her fourth grandchild was born. A few other teachers were going to become grandmothers for the first time, and the faculty held a small lunch to honor the first-time grandmas. My mom didn't expect a big fuss for her, but no one even mentioned her impending grandchild. I mean, not even a "Oh, by the way, Sarah* is going to have a fourth grandchild."

I don't know how widespread that kind of attitude is, though. My mom was always happy and excited for any impending new family members, including when my brother got married (in his 50s) and became a step-father and step-grandpa.

*not her name

Edited February 18, 2021 by WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?
forgot to celebrate

[JermajestyDuggar]

12 minutes ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

Hooray for "your" new baby! ?

Even in "secular" society, some people only seem to get excited about first babies. My mom was still teaching when her fourth grandchild was born. A few other teachers were going to become grandmothers for the first time, and the faculty held a small lunch to honor the first-time grandmas. My mom didn't expect a big fuss for her, but no one even mentioned her impending grandchild. I mean, not even a "Oh, by the way, Sarah* is going to have a fourth grandchild."

I don't know how widespread that kind of attitude is, though. My mom was always happy and excited for any impending new family members, including when my brother got married (in his 50s) and became a step-father and step-grandpa.

*not her name

There was a decent gap between my siblings’ kids and my kids. So everyone seemed excited there would be another baby around since there hadn’t been one for awhile. But the Bontragers have babies galore. 

[IsmeWeatherwax]

@Giraffe my parents met on 1st of June and married on the 14th june. Oh that was a really bad idea! Actual strangers marrying in 2 weeks. Somehow they made it just before their 12th anniversary, I was born a year later on 18th june, which is how i remember the dates lol They then spent the next 30 years bitching about each to me, gee Im so lucky! Dad even had the audacity to be mean about her 2 months after she died! I gave him both barrels for that one. 

Families...#blessed ? 

Forgot the best bit! My mother didnt even bother to tell my 2 sisters and brother that she was getting married and they hadnt even met him ffs LOL I really should write a book!

Edited February 18, 2021 by IsmeWeatherwax
More info!

[Bluebirdbluebell]

The Bontragers always seem to undervalue grandbabies in a weird way! Like when Carolina and Cassidy had the first two grandchildren a day apart, and they were on tour. They knew when their daughters-in-law were due and these were the first grandchildren, but they waited a month to come home and see the babies.  Someone I know took a 10 hour road trip immediately after the first grandbaby was born. 

They also made no effort for Becky and/or Allison to be with Chelsy when she was in labor and waited to see Axton as well! I won't be surprised if Becky doesn't show up for Allison!

If Allison wants to work, she might be able to if her in-laws or someone else did childcare for free. Having to pay for childcare would make work unfeasible since she probably wouldn't make enough to cover said childcare. 

I think Allison might be really happy if she and Jeremiah were more of a couple like John and Chelsy. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

2 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

The Bontragers always seem to undervalue grandbabies in a weird way! Like when Carolina and Cassidy had the first two grandchildren a day apart, and they were on tour. They knew when their daughters-in-law were due and these were the first grandchildren, but they waited a month to come home and see the babies.  Someone I know took a 10 hour road trip immediately after the first grandbaby was born. 

They also made no effort for Becky and/or Allison to be with Chelsy when she was in labor and waited to see Axton as well! I won't be surprised if Becky doesn't show up for Allison!

If Allison wants to work, she might be able to if her in-laws or someone else did childcare for free. Having to pay for childcare would make work unfeasible since she probably wouldn't make enough to cover said childcare. 

I think Allison might be really happy if she and Jeremiah were more of a couple like John and Chelsy. 

I agree. The Bowers mom traveled far to be with the girls when they gave birth less than 12 hours apart. Both Becky and Marlin are from huge families. I think it’s just a number and they don’t actually value their grandkids personally. I don’t think they even value their children. If they did, they wouldn’t have made Allison’s wedding all about Marlin’s ridiculous conspiracy theories. The saddest part of all is that the children are all staying in line. I wish some would rebel. Otherwise they will raise their children like Becky and Marlin.

[usmcmom]

1 hour ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

Hooray for "your" new baby! ?

Even in "secular" society, some people only seem to get excited about first babies. My mom was still teaching when her fourth grandchild was born. A few other teachers were going to become grandmothers for the first time, and the faculty held a small lunch to honor the first-time grandmas. My mom didn't expect a big fuss for her, but no one even mentioned her impending grandchild. I mean, not even a "Oh, by the way, Sarah* is going to have a fourth grandchild."

I don't know how widespread that kind of attitude is, though. My mom was always happy and excited for any impending new family members, including when my brother got married (in his 50s) and became a step-father and step-grandpa.

*not her name

Thank you. It’s a boy and I can’t wait to meet my new adventure buddy. 
 

This will be my mother’s tenth great grandchild and she is OVER THE MOON. News of a baby always leaves our family giddy, no matter how many we’ve already had. 
 

My daughter recently commented “Other families must not get as excited about babies....” Evidently other grandmas and great grandmas are not already buying sleepers and socks and teddy bears and hats and....well, you know. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by usmcmom
Typo

[fundiefan]

4 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

The Bontragers always seem to undervalue grandbabies in a weird way! Like when Carolina and Cassidy had the first two grandchildren a day apart, and they were on tour. They knew when their daughters-in-law were due and these were the first grandchildren, but they waited a month to come home and see the babies.  Someone I know took a 10 hour road trip immediately after the first grandbaby was born. 

They also made no effort for Becky and/or Allison to be with Chelsy when she was in labor and waited to see Axton as well! I won't be surprised if Becky doesn't show up for Allison!

If Allison wants to work, she might be able to if her in-laws or someone else did childcare for free. Having to pay for childcare would make work unfeasible since she probably wouldn't make enough to cover said childcare. 

I think Allison might be really happy if she and Jeremiah were more of a couple like John and Chelsy. 

Marlin lives in an alternate universe and we have mounds of evidence that Becky has no heart or soul. Neither of those ways of existing are compatible with compassion, love or support of a loved one.

They like the numbers - how many of their offspring they have and how many of them are married;  how many grandchildren they have. Then they like the ones with a penis - note the words/language used to describe the girls vs boys when they posted about their grandchildren - as well as a history of blog posts that show the way girls & boys are treated very differently. Then there are her discipline posts. The kids all call Becky "mother" - not mom, mommy, momma, just mother. In every context & reference. 

I don't think they are loving people at all and don't care about their kids or grandkids beyond what they get out of them.