M is for Mama 10: Another Narcissist Another Day

[Botkinetti]

I know she loves presenting herself as an endlessly self-sacrificing martyr but we also know she lies. I think it’s very likely that the babies are being bottle fed by others but it’s important to her self image that she keeps this secret so as to appear superior.

[theotherelise]

I never really understood how people made it work to skip nursing and let their partner give a bottle. Maybe I just had oversupply, but that would have only worked for me if I'd gotten up and pumped at the same time. And at that point it would be easier to just nurse. That said, when I got up to feed baby in the middle of the night, my husband would set an alarm for however long nursing sessions were taking at that point in time. Then he would get up and get baby back to sleep so I could get back in bed after nursing. 

I felt extremely privileged to be able to nurse as I'd hoped to and to have a baby to nurse after IVF. Giving yourself a break and having room to express exhaustion and get support is great, so I'm not knocking that. But Abbie made deliberate choices to build her life this way, so complaining and putting herself up as a martyr (ALL THE TIME) is just really absurd.

If hard is not the same as bad, then why are you always complaining about it??? Maybe at least call things a rewarding challenge instead of hard. Maybe you should just spend time taking care of your kids instead of trying to build an audience sharing about how taking care of your kids is all about you and your journey.

[bea]

Okay when my then-toddler had HFM, we were told it was VERY CONTAGIOUS and to stay home and not go anywhere. I had it too and it was miserable. It can be spread before, during and after the fever and blisters, and it’s not like you get “immune,” necessarily, because there’s lots of different strains of the virus.
They may not have noticed, but the other kids had HFM too, and were very likely spreading it.
God she’s just THE WORST, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and she’s sick and Shiloh is sick and they go ON VACATION and just…. spread it around. ARGH.

[JermajestyDuggar]

1 hour ago, bea said:

Okay when my then-toddler had HFM, we were told it was VERY CONTAGIOUS and to stay home and not go anywhere. I had it too and it was miserable. It can be spread before, during and after the fever and blisters, and it’s not like you get “immune,” necessarily, because there’s lots of different strains of the virus.
They may not have noticed, but the other kids had HFM too, and were very likely spreading it.
God she’s just THE WORST, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and she’s sick and Shiloh is sick and they go ON VACATION and just…. spread it around. ARGH.

Well I’m sure she spread around covid as well. But she never gives a single fuck about anyone but herself.

[Hane]

Nobody in my family had ever even heard of HFM or Fifth disease until my youngest sister, an elementary school teacher, caught them from her students.

[JMO]

HFM is a beast.  Some kids get it mild and others are miserable.  My son had it a couple of times.  The first was the worst with giant blisters on his hands, face and feet and a high fever. I actually kept him out of preschool extra long because he looked like a burn victim and I didn't want to scare his teachers.  A couple of weeks after all his nails fell off.  Freaked me out enough to call his pediatrician AND a dermatologist for reassurance but alas, it happens.  2nd time he handled it better but gave it to my BIL who got a painful rash.  Abby is a rolling contagion ward.  Fucking unbelievable.  Kids can get sick on vacation but to knowingly bring your troupe of sick and contagious babies and toddlers on vacation and out to dinner?  

[JermajestyDuggar]

When I was a kid, I commonly got Croup when on vacation to Florida when we went down every February. It sucks to be a kid who is sick on vacation when your siblings are having lots of fun. I feel sorry for Braggie’s kids for so many reasons. 

[ophelia]

11 hours ago, JMO said:

HFM is a beast.  Some kids get it mild and others are miserable.  My son had it a couple of times.  The first was the worst with giant blisters on his hands, face and feet and a high fever. I actually kept him out of preschool extra long because he looked like a burn victim and I didn't want to scare his teachers.  A couple of weeks after all his nails fell off.  Freaked me out enough to call his pediatrician AND a dermatologist for reassurance but alas, it happens.  2nd time he handled it better but gave it to my BIL who got a painful rash.  Abby is a rolling contagion ward.  Fucking unbelievable.  Kids can get sick on vacation but to knowingly bring your troupe of sick and contagious babies and toddlers on vacation and out to dinner?  

This sounds so scary and I feel so sorry for your son and for you! Childrens diseasas can be scary AF.

I had my fair share of being sick on vacation when I was a kid.
I had an appendicitis and appendix removal when we were on a beach vacation when I was eight years old. I was so heartbroken since another family and their kids were with us on vacation and we were having so much fun. Their son was my best friend and we had such great plans for this vacation.
I got a Tamagotchi to cheer me up. That was nice, but I would have prefered to play with my friend.

Abbie, as always, never seizes to amaze me with her ignorance and recklessness. She is a shitty person and so is Shaun.

[G33kywife]

My kids got HFM a few years back. Everyone told us not to worry, adults can’t get it. Not true. My husband had blisters on his ESOPHAGUS! It was horrifically painful for him and took a really long time to heal. I felt awful for him!  

[SuperNova]

The number of single people who should take dating advice from Abbie should be zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Abbie has mentioned ad nauseum that on their first date she told Shaun that she wanted a shitload of kids. One would think that the division of labor and all the accompanying logistics of having a large brood would have been discussed before she started popping out a passel of babies. Struggling through feeling dumped on and a lack of respect isn't sanctifying, it's dysfunctional and needs therapy. This isn't inspiring, it's abuse on both sides of their partnership.

Leaving your partner in a hot car with a bunch of kids while you take your time picking through the discount Anthro reject pile is monumentally inconsiderate and I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg with Abbie. Shaun "letting" Abbie get up with the babies is an asshole move, too. He sounds like quite a guy. No wonder she sings he praises for wiping down a table with a couple of napkins. He's set the bar so low for himself that she's happy when he does anything at all.

Can she see the optics of what she's saying? Their relationship is nightmare fuel. Abbie is quick to jump ahead of the haters and claim that people get "very offended" when people talk about their "progress in Christ" but offense isn't the right word. Reading about the inner machinations of two selfish assholes trying to get over their decade long "destructive cycle" (very strong wording there) brings up feelings of disgust for them and pity for their children. Mixing in God doesn't elevate their behavior to something grander. Nope. It's still just your garden variety dysfunctional marriage. Congrats to Abbie and Shaun for finally wearing each other down and settling. You two deserve one another.

Spoiler

 

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, SuperNova said:

Can she see the optics of what she's saying?

No.

8 hours ago, SuperNova said:

Abbie has mentioned ad nauseum that on their first date she told Shaun that she wanted a shitload of kids

I don't think either of them discussed it past "sounds great!" I very much doubt there were specific numbers mentioned. It still amazes me that she keeps getting pregnant when she doesn't cope with the kids she has. Also that Shaun doesn't pull the pin on having more children.

[ophelia]

I know a lot of people that would consider three or four kids a shitload of kids. ?

[Giraffe]

These two really are made for each other. It's just too bad they've also dragged so many kids into their abusive relationship. 

[kmachete14]

For all the people who told me to have husband do feedings so that I would have more freedom in my breast feeding journey -- I was very naive 1st time mom and thought great! We will do that! I will be able to go out places, we can divide up sleep, and no worries about modesty out in public! LOL is all I have to say. 

Even if we gave the baby a bottle, I had to pump because my boobs would be giant and rock hard. My baby was fussy with the bottle and eventually gave up wanting to use a bottle at all. She wanted to breastfeed for the warmth and comfort and literal gushing milk that made breastfeeding probably less work than sucking from a bottle, tbh. Bottles needed to be sanitized and cleaned and prepped, breastmilk required bringing insulated bags, there was problems figuring out which formula didn't cause horrible gas, baby crying made me leak milk even if husband was rushing to give her the bottle, the pump parts also had to be cleaned and sanitized . . . 

EBF became the easiest way to feed baby. Luckily I was a SAHM so I didn't have to wean for daycare. 

I just wanted to let any new or expecting moms know that the "simple" solutions others offer are not always what is simple for your family. It's best to have zero expectations and then figure out what works for you guys! Everyone will have anecdotes about what works for them, or they might repeat the common phrases like "sleep when baby sleeps!" Just know that the first 3 months is kind of a shit show of figuring out what works best for your family!! 

[G33kywife]

38 minutes ago, kmachete14 said:

Everyone will have anecdotes about what works for them, or they might repeat the common phrases like "sleep when baby sleeps!" Just know that the first 3 months is kind of a shit show of figuring out what works best for your family!! 

This is so incredibly accurate! Just had my 4th a week ago, and sleeping when the baby sleeps just isn’t an option, as much as I’d love it to be! I fully expect life to be fairly chaotic for about 3 months as we figure it all out!

[Hane]

@kmachete14, I remember a time when my baby started taking really long morning naps, maybe two hours or so. I wound up sitting in front of the Phil Donahue talk show hand-expressing milk from my rock-hard breasts (no fancy breast pumps available in the ‘70s!) into plastic freezer containers. I’m so glad breast pumps have been available for the past 20+ years! I bought one for my sister when her baby had to spend a couple of weeks in the NICU.

[Skyline]

11 hours ago, kmachete14 said:

For all the people who told me to have husband do feedings so that I would have more freedom in my breast feeding journey -- I was very naive 1st time mom and thought great! We will do that! I will be able to go out places, we can divide up sleep, and no worries about modesty out in public! LOL is all I have to say. 

Even if we gave the baby a bottle, I had to pump because my boobs would be giant and rock hard. My baby was fussy with the bottle and eventually gave up wanting to use a bottle at all. She wanted to breastfeed for the warmth and comfort and literal gushing milk that made breastfeeding probably less work than sucking from a bottle, tbh. Bottles needed to be sanitized and cleaned and prepped, breastmilk required bringing insulated bags, there was problems figuring out which formula didn't cause horrible gas, baby crying made me leak milk even if husband was rushing to give her the bottle, the pump parts also had to be cleaned and sanitized . . . 

EBF became the easiest way to feed baby. Luckily I was a SAHM so I didn't have to wean for daycare. 

I just wanted to let any new or expecting moms know that the "simple" solutions others offer are not always what is simple for your family. It's best to have zero expectations and then figure out what works for you guys! Everyone will have anecdotes about what works for them, or they might repeat the common phrases like "sleep when baby sleeps!" Just know that the first 3 months is kind of a shit show of figuring out what works best for your family!! 

This! I got so much 'helpful advice' with my twins. Especially the "just give them bottles" ?

Ok while I'm bottle feeding them I need to pump so I dont explode but I dont respond well to a pump so it takes me ages to pump. And if I haven't fought with the pump in advance I need to buy and mix up bottles of formula for them and then fight with the pump. Honestly, when we were able to drop top up bottles and just exclusively breastfeed my days became soo much easier.

But then I got all the wonderful comments about breastfeeding twins, how I'm just making my life harder, and what I SHOULD be doing. ?

Fun times.

 

[Ozlsn]

10 hours ago, Skyline said:

what I SHOULD be doing

My general feeling is if it is working for you and your family then that's what you should be doing as far as feeding goes. Mix, exclusive, tube - if it's working and you're happy with it great.

[feministxtian]

10 hours ago, Skyline said:

But then I got all the wonderful comments about breastfeeding twins, how I'm just making my life harder, and what I SHOULD be doing.

I'll give you the same advice I gave my daughter...just feed them! Breast, bottle, throw 'em a raw steak...it doesn't matter. Keep one end full and the other one dry. Don't confuse them. My daughter in law just about drove herself nuts about weaning baby A. Baby A survived. She eats anything and everything, literally. She's healthy and happy. 

[SassyPants]

And for those who have toddlers to teens who are picky eaters...my son ate no veggie other than carrots with a honey sauce from ages 3-17, and then he woke up. At approaching 31 Years, he has a very refined palate and eats everything. He is also healthy and fit, so was unaffected by his rather poor childhood diet. He did eat tons of fruit-

[JermajestyDuggar]

49 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

And for those who have toddlers to teens who are picky eaters...my son ate no veggie other than carrots with a honey sauce from ages 3-17, and then he woke up. At approaching 31 Years, he has a very refined palate and eats everything. He is also healthy and fit, so was unaffected by his rather poor childhood diet. He did eat tons of fruit-

I refuse to have constant food battles with my children. My parents had constant battles with me and it did me way more harm than good. Plus my pediatrician said once, “if he only likes one vegetable, stock up and let him eat that vegetable all the time.” And that’s what I do. He will eat broccoli so that’s the veggie he gets all the time. He’s not a big meat eater so he mostly eats chicken, turkey, and hot dogs. I don’t like red meat or pork products so I don’t make him eat them. I remember my parents forcing me to finish my bacon. I’ve always hated bacon and I still do to this day. I’m guessing he will eventually like more foods as he gets older. He’s added more and more foods he will eat as he’s gotten older. 

 

[Hane]

My grandson, who is 13, has always had major issues with food textures ever since he started solids. He’s been a vegetarian since he was 2.5, when he asked his father where meat came from. For years, his diet consisted of certain raw fruits and vegetables, yogurt, string cheese (only the Trader Joe’s brand), crackers, and bread.

The texture issues persist, but now he’s a full-on vegan. He’s a scientific-minded kid, though, and he does in-depth research about nutrition, takes vitamins, and only eats things containing sugar on special occasions like birthdays and holidays. He’s healthy and active, so that makes up for the fact that he doesn’t eat Grandma’s cooking.

[SassyPants]

I just had another memory. My son also had to eat on a plate with partitions because his food couldn’t touch. He literally ate on a baby plate until high school when I found some trays that had partitions. Yep, he was a dietary PITA. 

[anachronistic]

@SassyPants I’m sorry that I was such a rotten kid. Oh, I mean your son. But you could have been describing me, except I was worse, and am worse, because my issues never went away. 
I hate the word ‘picky’ because when you pick something, you choose it. I absolutely would never choose to have the food issues that I do. I’m 37 and eat a very, very limited number of foods, prepared in very limited ways. My family of origin makes me feel guilty about it to this day. (My family of choice has no problem with it.) In my twenties I was late diagnosed with autism and severe sensory processing disorder. This explains literally everything about how I eat and experience the world of food. But it doesn’t help me with relatives who think I’m ungrateful, it doesn’t help me get over the memories of being made to sit at the table until I ate it (I would fall asleep after a few hours), it doesn’t help the rock-hard ball of worry that I get in my stomach around issues of eating and family.

I *hate* being this way. Everyone else can eat pizza, why does my body and mind reject it like dog poop? I learned from a very, very young age that the way I experienced food was wrong, that I was wrong, and with my excellent memory I remember all the fights and tears and people accommodating me then making fun of me so, so well. 
 

So please - nobody make fun of anyone about food. Ever. You don’t know what they’re going through. Like me, they could be going through hell. Just eat your food, be grateful it exists, and....that’s it. 

[Marly]

7 hours ago, anachronistic said:

I hate the word ‘picky’ because when you pick something, you choose it. I absolutely would never choose to have the food issues that I do.

I very much agree with this.
Although I am able to eat a lot more now than when I was, say, still living with my parents, food is still a problem when my SO has to cook (he is not an experienced cook and has a very limited range as of now) or when we eat somewhere else, be it at a restaurant or with friends/family. 

Texture is very much an issue to me, and mainly vegetable textures. I can eat vegetables, as long as they are cut very small (jullienne style) and mixed into a dish. A spoonfull of only vegetables is a no-go for me.
Add to that being vegetarian, and most people's default for vegetarian dishes consisting of mainly vegetables, this makes it very difficult for me to eat outside of my own home. It gives me a lot of anxiety to eat anywhere else. My two best friends no of my issues and try to accomoate as best as they can (and I always offer to help out, because I now it's difficult to cook for me), so no issues when I go there. They also always pitch dinner ideas with me first, to check if I will like something or not. My own family is also alright, because they are very happy when SO and I come over so they'll make something they are sure we like. 
My SO's family on the other hand, is panic attack inducing. They are not accomodating at all. 

I absolutely hate that food is such an issue for me. Life is so much easier when you just like most things, especially vegetables. And I hate when people say "you just need to keep trying!" that's not how it works. I am 32. Broccoli makes me puke, literally, and no amount of trying will change that.
The fact that I now eat a bigger variety of foods than when I was still living at home has to do with how I prepare my food versus how my parents liked their food. (They like vegetables in big chunks. I cannot eat vegetables like that. They also love boiled potatoes and other starchy foods. I cannot stand starchy food.)

Edited May 28, 2021 by Marly