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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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Bluebirdbluebell
21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Thursday evening at Charity Baptist - the video starts while they are singing The Old Rugged Cross - Gary must be so happy.

Gary does the opening prayer, and seems a bit distracted by the pastor's reactions - now you know how it feels, G.

During the prayer list, the croaking pastor says he knows Covid is real, but the government is inflating the numbers. Becky's fellow-giggler in the front row asks prayers for their store, that has to be sanitized because an employee tested positive for Covid (no prayers for the person?).

Gary says the only good thing about winter is that people put more clothes on.

"With the help of the Lord, for just a little whahl, ah wanna preach on Why Not Tonight?

In his usual "we all could die anytime" shit, Gary is now including 250,000 that have died of Corona.

"We're not in that crowd that you're predistinated in the part that God chooses this one over this one, 'cause honey if he'da don't that ah prob'ly wouldn'ta bin in the crowd."

"Listen, hey, we're not livin' in apostle Paul days - them gone amen? Them went quite a few decades ago.

By "their store" does this person mean a place they usually shop? An fellow employee? The owner? If they were there and interacted with that employee, I would hope they would stay home. In this crowd, who knows?

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Dana723

A lot of Christians like to cry persecution, but if they were faced with actual persecution, they would fold like a deck of cards.  I bet Gary would be the first to be blubbering for his life.

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thoughtful

Friday evening's video starts while they are singing 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus. Pastor GravelVoice Bowman prays, as Gary moans his assent.

Pastor asks them to please continue to remember to pray (one time, he says "play" instead of pray) for each of the people on the prayer list. He actually asks them pray for a couple who gave food to the homeless - I almost fainted! He struggles with pronouncing their name, but says it is spelled Yaplin.

When Gary's mother is mentioned, he chimes in "She is home - the operation went good far as when they sewed 'er back up, far as ah know all the infection's gowen. So she'll have to heal for a few weeks before they can go in and do anything else."

Pastor asks prayers for someone's daughter and her new beau, and the woman says that both of her daughters have new boyfriends. A man's voice says something about "more prison spread." This gets a big laugh.

Someone asks prayers for the pastor's wife, and he says that now, whenever she stands up, she gets dizzy, but is refusing to go to a doctor. He's bit less unpleasant about it this time, admitting that she's not the only Bowman who can be hardheaded.

Someone asks prayers for the LiGrecis (they were at the Thursday service - hence Gary's comments about people traveling to hear him). Pastor says he hopes Covid will be gone soon. It would work better if you helped, dude.

A young man said he talked to a Jewish couple who said they were going to call the pastor. He also says that, while he was passing out tracts, he only got "cursed on" a few times. They all laugh and yell things like "Praise the Lord."

The pastor said he had heard from the Jewish couple - they are the  unpronounceable Yaplins that he mentioned at the beginning. Maybe they saw, on the flyers,  that the church was named Charity Baptist, and thought the church might be interested in helping the homeless.

Becky sings the song about Jesus in Gethsemane, that begs everyone to pray for an hour. Gary comes up to preach. Becky takes a detour from the piano to where Gary was just sitting, and brings him his water bottle.

Since it's the final night, Gary thanks them, hopes he says something that "INcarriged" them, and posits that he probably ruffled a few feathers, because, "if you don't ruffle feathers, you don't git nothin' done."

Spoiler

We are livin' in the last days. Adam and Eve messed up at the Garden. Ah'm not tryin' to be mean. John the Baptist was the forerunner for Jesus' first coming, we are the forerunners for the second. Gary is only qualified because of Jesus. He knows he's not worthy. Peter was not the first Pope. Git that spir'tual dish soap, git that spir'tual dishrag, and git down in that vessel and git that junk out. When Gary dies, the church will continue on. He is a child of the King, part of a royal family (but, of course, not because he's worthy). CNN wants you to stay home from church. Buddha and Allah are burning in Hell for rejecting Jesus. If you love socialism, Gary will raise the funds to get you one-way ticket to one of these socialism countries, and never come back. Old-time preachers, Billy Kelly. We're in the Laodicean church. God's not bitin' his fingernails, God's not poppin' pills, God's not worryin' where the next meal's comin' from. Catholics take the wine and the wafer every day. You need to go to church three times on Sunday and again on Wednesday. Good preachin' if ah am doin' it. Gary prefers chicken over steak because he's a real Baptist. If you're going to work, Walmarts, KMart, Food Lion, etc., Covid is no excuse for not going to church. The governor is not supposed to tell you whether or not to have Thanksgiving. The Constitution says they can come to church. Wives are the ones who preach at home. Church should be fun, and Gary tries to keep it that way. People notice if your car is in the church parking lot, and, if they don't see it, they think you don't take church seriously. This Independent and Fundamental stuff just ain't workin' - we need some good old-fashioned Bahble Believers! Jesus being beat with the cat-o-nine-tails, 40 times plussss. Old rugged cross. Harold Leake and his pacifier for whiny congregants.  We may have to go to prison - ah'm lookin' for the 'lectric chair. Foxe's Book of Martyrs (he needs Becky to say the name), and all of the gory tortures our forefathers went through. Gary godbothers spam callers. Jacob selling knives so he can support a mission.

While telling them prayer is important, he veers off: "Amana tell ya raht now, if we kin git back - you just think - if we - y'know, y'know, as good as ever'body lahks Donald Trump, amen, Donald Trump didn't do what he done by Donald Trump. He done what he done by the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen? Ah personally don't believe he's saved, but ah believe he's around some of the right crowd, to be saved."

Gary says he knows an IFB preacher who goes in "that White House every so often" and is working with some of the people. Everybody should have prayed when things were good, and not waited until the bad.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-20&version=KJV

"Tonaht, with the help of the Lord, awana preach owwn The Church. Will. Continue."

"Isaiah said that he was uh - Jesus was gonna put the governors on His shoulders, amen?  Maybe He'll beat the snot out of 'em while He's got 'em on His shoulders amen."

Gary:
1. Many of us believe that the writings in Isaiah have nothing to do with Jesus.
2. It's the government, not the governors.
3. There you go with the beating again - I don't think Jesus would approve.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A23&version=KJV

Gary is coming to church to worship the Lord, because "He's the alpha and the mega, and the beginning, and the ind!"

Gary tells us how he was watching a couple argue in Aldi's, and how the man told him he was nosy for watching them. At one point, the other man, as Gary put it "said God, then he said another word." Gary laid into him. "Mah God don't have a last name!" He told him the best thing for him to do was leave the store until Gary was finished shopping.

I'll be fair - according to Gary, the couple got asked to leave by store employees afterward, as well, so they may have been very disruptive. But of course, Gary was mostly amused by how badly they treated one another and the disruption they created, it's just the "Goddamn" that got him up in arms.

Psalms 47:8 - KJV: God reigneth over the heathen: God sitteth upon the throne of his holiness.
BGV: God reigneth over the heatherns: God sitteth upon the throne of his holiness.

Another supermarket story, from that day - I think Gary goes into at least one store daily, maskless. Some guy heard him talking, "because ah do got a big mouth, amen." He encourages them to say amen to that, because he's glad he has a big mouth; "John said lift your voice and cry aloud amen?"

"But - and ah'm talkin' about President Trump because - y'know, ah'm a little bit concerned, because, ah understand what's goin' own, because, listen, nobody  - listen, there's more Republicans that hate Donald Trump than Democrats. There is. There's more, uh, more Democrats that voted for Donald Trump than Republicans did. And ah gittin' that - uh ah'm not gittin' that from Fox news, ah'm gittin' that from real news, amen."

Long silence.

Roared: "But listen, hey, no matter what happens in our country" (suddenly quiet) "God's still in control."

I don't know what happened in the supermarket - if he ever finishes the story, I'll let you know.

Now he's on to a gas station story. A man was being loud, and said he was a Baptist. Gary invited him to the revival. The man said he was a minister. "Well, ah'm glad he didn't come to mah house preachin' Jesus, the way he looked. Ahd'a run him off, amen?"

:wtf:

After several minutes of a socialism rant, pray for your country, several "God's in control!" shouts, Paul and the church and how you can tell people don't care any more, we get: "Ah mean, listen, ah'm not, y'know, that listen hey that guy ain't uh, he's not, ah'm not sayin' that guy's not saved 'cowse he's not comin' to revahval, but ah mean he's all of a sudden innerested in  he wants to worry about suin' the government becowse the sewers are killin' people! What's killin' people's sin, amen?"

I have no idea if sewer-suing guy is second food market guy or gas station guy - sorry about that.

Gary makes sure we know he doesn't like sewers either, by telling a disgusting story about seeing someone pump out a sewer at a church he was out while eating a hamburger, and Gary had to leave because he'd be puking. Then he screams about God being in control some more.

He announces Acts 2:42, read it, then realizes he wanted Acts 2:47.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+2%3A47&version=KJV

We gotta let God add to the church. And, Gary, of all people, does a riff about not trying to push people to add to the church. :shock: He says God will put the puzzle together, just like he created this Earth and can keep it together when we're trying to make it fall apart and we're polluting it. Let Him add to the church, and the new people will stick around.

"As much as Catholics is wrong, you need to be very careful about even eheh tryin' to proselate a Catholic.

You better be careful who you bring to church. He's seen people come to church and start yelling, maybe interrupting someone who was getting under conviction.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+10%3A25&version=KJV

Gary tells a story about a young lady they met at a church ("maybe in her twentiessss") who was just getting into coming to church (he makes sure we know "she's fixin' to have a baby, and the baby daddy's not in sight" - he don't know all the details, and then says it's none of his bidness). She came to church about ten minutes before Sunday School was ending, because she thought Sunday School was for children. "And she was serious when she said that!"

Granted, he does go on to say that some people don't know, and need to be taught, but he sounds so astonished that anyone would not know that Sunday School is for adults.

While going on as usual about how we all need to be in church for every service, and how they're all so important, he assures us that he'll be in his home church on Sunday. Then: "Mah brother-in-law'll teach Sunday School, an' ah'll sleep allaway through it amen."

He spouts some fragmented nonsense about Cooper, starting to say what he's planning for after Thanksgiving, then interrupting himself to complain about the restrictions already in place, how he plans to ignore them for Thanksgiving, and spin some fantasy about how he's going to tell Cooper the turkey they ate was a pet who just happened to die.

He's trying to be funny (and getting results - they are hysterical), but it sounds like it all ties in to this bullshit about thinking the government is concerned about how big your turkey is, as a way to figure out who is having too many people over for Thanksgiving.

He says some of the people watching on Facebook should be there, but they are too lazy, not too sick.

Gary had a "man-to-whatever-he-is" talk with his new son-in-law, and is going to have another when they go on vacation. "If they're not gonna make church essintial, ah don't want 'em to have, you know, grandkids, now you kin be, you kin be all raht with that or not it's OK because if they're not gonna make church essintial, then ah just don't have tahm to raise grandchildren AMEN! If they're not gonna make church essintial, there's no  need them bringin' people in the world to drag 'em acrost the country to send 'em to Hell."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+2%3A42&version=KJV

Work together, support your pasture, etc.

Gary tells us he is a big baby about pain. He hurt his back wielding a chain saw the other day, trying to cut up firewood. He said Becky told him "I feel your pain," but didn't massage it or do anything else to make it better. Becky calls out that she offered to take him to the chiropracter, but Gary says "That's where the Covid is."

He's getting laughs again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+4%3A1-7&version=KJV

We better stand for what's right in these last days.

Gary hates Country music, but there was a song that said if you don't stand for somethin' you'll fall for anything. I've heard that as a quote, but didn't know it was a song. I looked it up, and this is all I found. Not exactly Country, Gary.

Gary goes through a list of potential persecutions through which "we need to stand."

Git some boldness, put up a sign when you sit down in a restaurant, that says "YOU MUST REPENT!" Apparently, Pastor Bowman carries and uses just such a sign.

"As long as you kin prove it from the Bahble, stand on it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+16%3A15&version=KJV

"Listen - git you some tracts." I hope I heard this wrong, but I think, during his list of places to leave tracts, Gary says "When you stop at a rest stop, leave on one the urinal." I listened five times, and can't figure out what else it could be. It's just before 1:17, if anyone wants to check.

"What we say with the tracts is the tracts will track 'em down."

"Y'know, that Jewish guy, that Jewish family, husband 'n' wahf, lsiten, they can be won to God, now, they gon' be hard. Ah remember talkin' to one in South Dakota, an' ah'm gonna tell ya raht now, he says" (Gary switches to a super-deep voice)"'We're goin' down to the Temple raht now,' or whatever they called it, ah don't - whatever they call it."
Becky: "Synagogue."

Gary: "The synagogue. They're gonna drahve a hundred mahls to go to one, because that was the clostest  one where we lived at in South Dakota was 100 mahls. And they was gonna drahv down. And they don't believe the whole - well, actually ah don't guess they believe none of the New Testament, they only believe that the Old Testament. But they can be reached. And it may not be that ya always say somethin' to 'em. It may be that ya shine your - Jesus' light."

As he winds down, getting quieter, I can't hear much because it sounds like Becky is packing up their stuff. But it's mostly exhorting them to go out and godbother. "If they call the police on you, just tell 'em hey all you was doin' you was promotin' Jesus."

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/videos/3812848088759997/

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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thoughtful
3 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

By "their store" does this person mean a place they usually shop? An fellow employee? The owner? If they were there and interacted with that employee, I would hope they would stay home. In this crowd, who knows?

It was hard to tell - my impression was that it was her family's business. But, yes, no matter what she meant by it, even if, being a woman in this patriarchal church, she doesn't go to work, if other family members do, they should all be staying home if they've been exposed.

But I would bet half the people in the church know they've been exposed somehow, and just don't want to be bothered changing their lives in any way.

image.png.8017dec921c70ce14ef12cf0eb425308.png

But hey, no pressure.

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2 hours ago, Dana723 said:

A lot of Christians like to cry persecution, but if they were faced with actual persecution, they would fold like a deck of cards.  I bet Gary would be the first to be blubbering for his life.

And offering up everyone else in his place. 

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Maybe they saw, on the flyers,  that the church was named Charity Baptist, and thought the church might be interested in helping the homeless.

Yeah. Right. Nope.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

it all ties in to this bullshit about thinking the government is concerned about how big your turkey is, as a way to figure out who is having too many people over for Thanksgiving.

Seriously this is the US version of the helicopter conspiracy theory that was running riot here for a bit.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Git some boldness, put up a sign when you sit down in a restaurant, that says "YOU MUST REPENT!" Apparently, Pastor Bowman carries and uses just such a sign.

Helpful to indicate to other patrons that you should be given a wide berth. And possibly to servers that you are a lousy tipper.

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griffin

Thoughtful rocks as usual! But, one correction - when that woman says that both her daughters have new boyfriends, that man doesn't say "more prison spreads", he's says "more Christmas presents".

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thoughtful
5 minutes ago, griffin said:

Thoughtful rocks as usual! But, one correction - when that woman says that both her daughters have new boyfriends, that man doesn't say "more prison spreads", he's says "more Christmas presents".

Well, that makes a lot more sense! I went back and listened, and now I hear it!

Now, while I go find the Debrox, can you tell me whether Gary actually says "urinal?"

😁

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AmazonGrace

Not listening but leaving the Lord's word at the pee stained urinal after having his ween out and not washing his hands sounds just like Gary imo.

No Gary, don't git your junk out. 

Does he think Allah is a person?

Screenshot_20201122-090543__01.thumb.jpg.4a7d3fef49b0e1aa797e704e00928533.jpg

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50 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Not listening but leaving the Lord's word at the pee stained urinal after having his ween out and not washing his hands sounds just like Gary imo.

No Gary, don't git your junk out. 

Does he think Allah is a person?

Screenshot_20201122-090543__01.thumb.jpg.4a7d3fef49b0e1aa797e704e00928533.jpg

Apparently yes, he thinks Allah is a person. Or more likely he doesn't know that Mohammed was the name of the prophet, and has gotten them confused.

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Bluebirdbluebell
1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Not listening but leaving the Lord's word at the pee stained urinal after having his ween out and not washing his hands sounds just like Gary imo.

No Gary, don't git your junk out. 

Does he think Allah is a person?

Screenshot_20201122-090543__01.thumb.jpg.4a7d3fef49b0e1aa797e704e00928533.jpg

Or he thinks "Allah" is a false God. Allah is another name for God the Father, Gary you bigoted idiot!

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AmazonGrace
52 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Or he thinks "Allah" is a false God. Allah is another name for God the Father, Gary you bigoted idiot!

Yeah but by definition false gods don't really exist, do they? Why would there be any false gods in hell?

Will God be torturing Zeus, Amon-Ra, The Flying Spaghetti Monster and Loki in hell too?

I thought the theory is that there is just one god.

But if false gods are in hell then they must exist. 

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smittykins
8 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Or he thinks "Allah" is a false God. Allah is another name for God the Father, Gary you bigoted idiot!

Unfortunately, he’s not the only one who believes that.  I’ve heard “Allah wants you to send your son to die for him.  Yahweh sent His Son to die for you.”

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Black Aliss
9 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Or he thinks "Allah" is a false God. Allah is another name for God the Father, Gary you bigoted idiot!

My fundy relatives refuse to believe that Allah is just Arabic for God and that Arab Christians also pray to Allah. Never mind that Muslims pray to the exact same God as do Jews and Christians.

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Dana723
14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Pastor asks prayers for someone's daughter and her new beau, and the woman says that both of her daughters have new boyfriends. A man's voice says something about "more prison spread." This gets a big laugh.

I read the definition and I still don't get it.  Maybe it's a Baptist joke?  I dunno...

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thoughtful

Gary has made the Allah error many times before - hence its place with the stuff in the spoiler.

I think he just has no patience for learning even the most basic things about any other religion (or nationality, or tradition, or activity, or. . . ). Anything outside of his little bubble is just a jumble of words. Whether those words represent people, deities, places, or aren't even nouns, doesn't seem to matter to him.

I think his real issues with words make it worse, and he's been in a cycle, probably since childhood, of: can't remember a word → is taught the word again → misuses word → is corrected (repeat the last two over and over) → other people give up or Gary gets defensive and arrogant and refuses to learn.

Which is, of course, another reason why his allegiance to the KJV makes for so many hysterical errors. Besides misreading so much of it, he extrapolates ideas and builds sermon points on words that don't mean what he thinks they do.

And it doesn't have to be an obscure, non-modern word. The fact that he had that mental image of Jesus carrying governors on his shoulders was a great example of a Garyism.

I can't think that text without Handel's melody in my head. Which makes me wonder whether Gary has ever heard any of the Baroque, Classical or later settings of Biblical texts or prayers, and, if so, what he thinks of them. He rants against every kind of music except old-timey hymns and the stuff Becky finds to sing, including contemporary Christian and Country gospel.

Gary loves Psalms - but this setting of 150, in Latin, was written in 1589. How could Byrd have written music to something that wasn't inspired by God until He came down and whispered in the ears of the KJV translators in 1611? Charles Ives set the KJV translation, but I don't think Gary would like it.

How about the good old 23rd, full of green pastures (not the pastures who lead churches, actual grassy areas)? Wait - Schubert, German, not KJV. Darn. Oh - here's the original text, set by Bernstein! Oh, right, Jews don't know anything about God, so no Hebrew. Sorry.

I assume he'd hate the various Masses, because masses are Catholic, and usually in Latin. Something like Faure's gorgeous and reverent Cantique de Jean Racine? Nope - French. 

In fact, I suspect he'd be suspicious of anything not in English, so something like the Bach St. Matthew Passion is out, which is a shame, because it seems to be his favorite part of the story. Gary loves to talk about Jesus being rejected and tortured - he never mentions the resurrection, except when he rattles off thethedeathburialandressurectionofourLordandsaviorJesusChrist.

But what about Messiah, Gary? Handel set your beloved KJV to music.

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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thoughtful
4 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

I read the definition and I still don't get it.  Maybe it's a Baptist joke?  I dunno...

Read @griffin's correction of my mis-hearing. I had never heard that expression, either, so it's not like I came up with it due to expectations. But, after a bunch of tries (and he even said it twice!), I still didn't hear "Christmas presents" until Griffin posted it and I went back and listened again.

Ears and brains sure can be weird (well, at least mine!).

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thoughtful

If you is not calling you you can't just get up and get Saved.

image.png.cf337e72f7aae4a0c51eb6a95ff8dba8.png

Gary - you say the Lord has to call us first, then tell us to "get to the LORD" and "seek HIM." Make up what is left of your mind, G.

You have the right to be wrong, also, Gary. In fact, you make a habit of it!

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

can't think that text without Handel's melody in my head. Which makes me wonder whether Gary has ever heard any of the Baroque, Classical or later settings of Biblical texts or prayers, and, if so, what he thinks of them. He rants against every kind of music except old-timey hymns and the stuff Becky finds to sing, including contemporary Christian and Country gospel

I think he has never really been exposed to them, which actually makes me really sad. He probably would enjoy Jesus Christ Superstar even (the torture of Christ in some productions is explicit)  but again his world is so narrow. He's been told at some point that these are the exact boundaries of musical acceptability, and he will cling to them until he dies.

Speaking of explicit crucifixion I wonder if he's ever seen the Mel Gibson film. 

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thoughtful
2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

He probably would enjoy Jesus Christ Superstar

 

Rock and roll? Never!  :pink-shock:

ETA - Gary would be fine with the explicit torture - he loves that stuff. It's the rock music that would offend him.

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Dana723
5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Read @griffin's correction of my mis-hearing. I had never heard that expression, either, so it's not like I came up with it due to expectations. But, after a bunch of tries (and he even said it twice!), I still didn't hear "Christmas presents" until Griffin posted it and I went back and listened again.

Ears and brains sure can be weird (well, at least mine!).

I did - I meant to go back and correct my post but in my laziness, I never did.

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thoughtful

Gary was guest preacher at Gene Douche - er Gouge's church, Liberty Baptist, last night.

The video starts with Gouge (I think) talking about Covid putting them in danger of losing their religious freedom. He asks the congregation to pray, drops to his knees behind the lectern, and the men of the congregation loudly call out whatever prayers they have, all at once. I guess Gouge's tradition is to let the the moaners and quiet mumblers open up and let it go full-force.

He announces that Wednesday night Thanksgiving fellowship will go on as usual after the service: "ladies, if you will, fix all the fixin's." He says that, one year, he mentioned that "there wasn't no gravy, and the next year, they were swimmin' in gravy." One of the women reassures him that there is a sign-up list in the back of the church. Pastor goes on to list all of the fixin's he expects to see. He says he understands if people don't feel comfortable coming, he'll eat their turkey.

Ha. Ha.

He tells them how to send tithes and offerings via PayPal or to their PO Box, and about alternative news sources listed on the church website, because "the news is so corrupt" - Gary yells AMEN! The Pastor tells them Fox news is no good now: "Fox news has gone south." The recommendations on the site are OAN, Newmax, and MRC.

The Hawkinses, including Caleb, come up to sing. And the ancient cliches start then, so here's the spolier:

Spoiler

Gary does his "It's good to be in church/thought ah was in a Baptist church/it's good to be in church/'bout half of ya" shit. We're in a mess. We're in the last days. God don't mind some cuttin' up in church - He's got a sense of humor, just go look in the mirror. The closer we get to the end days, the less people want to go to church. TV is bad, don't watch CNN. What God has to say is a whole lot more important than what Gary has to say. Jesus should be important, church should be important, the black preacher who got on Facebook and said he can't blame Cooper for making church not essential, because Christians did that long ago. If it's not important to you, it won't be to your children. Love your pasture and his wife. Stupid-voice for the imaginary people disagreeing with him. 1611 is the inspired word of God, with no issues or mistakes. If you want to gossip about your pasture, talk to God. Don't "have your preacher for dinner" (meaning don't talk about him behind his back at meals). Bellowing at them for not responding to him, even though they are doing so, loudly and constantly. The need to work together. Some people won't fellowship, but Gary will. God chastens him when he does wrong, and doesn't even wait until he gets home from Walmarts. Gary don't like that Independent and Fundamental stuff - someone told him about a preacher who got so independent he said he didn't even need God. Gary needs God every hour, when he's sleepin', awake, preachin', prayin', hanging out with his wife. "Definitely gon' need God when ah hang out with my outlaws, inlaws, whatever they are." Ah better move on before y'all git mad. Anti K-Love rant. He wants to make his truck jump to hymns like people do with rap. The bus he almost bought with disco lights. Spiritual music won't make you dance around. It's OK to tap your foot, but not your whole body. The flesh needs to be crucified, the flesh needs to be killed. Bellowing the first few lines of Amazing Grace and Nothing But the Blood of Jesus. The church he went to in Texas where they introduced them by saying they were going to sing and testify, and he was upset because he'd said they were going to sing and preach. The foolishness of preaching. Gary's been high on God, but he's never been high on dope. When you get high on God, you go home with the same woman, and you still wake up with the same woman. He tells them about the New Salems - he bought two of their CDs (this time he says his wife made him do it). You don't have to jerk around like a turkey havin' a seizure.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+2%3A4-5&version=KJV

We're not having fun in church because we have lost the preaching. Old time preachers, Carl Lackey. The pastor at last week's revival said Gary was "a little bit different." The church who said they wanted Gary and Becky to "come do some entertaining" (don't know if that's a new story, or he's changed the wording about the one who asked them to come "perform"), and he doesn't know how to do that. What he does is PREACHING!! Preach on sin! It ain't popular - John the Baptist lost his head for naming the sin and the sinner, Stephen was stoned to death. Gary's ready for the electric chair. "If Bahden gits in, Miss Harrison gits in, Pelosi gits in, your doors will be locked." "Our religious rahts is goin' down the drain." If you don't stand for somethin' you gon' fall for everything. No matter what you say today, you're going to offend somebody. You're gonna rub somebody's cat the wrong way, their dog the wrong way, you're gonna ruffle somebody's feathers. There's some churches today preaching another Jesus - not just Catholics and Methodists, which he understands, but Baptists. Gary doesn't have to go to church, he gets to.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs 29%3A18&version=KJV

We've lost our vision. If your pasture wants to spend money on a big project, get behind him. He's the undershepherd, and you are the sheep. Find the lost people. Gary's still going to go to church and pass out tracts on vacations. Not every preacher wanted to put up Gary's tent because they were "skeered." Oliver B. Green had a much bigger tent than Gary's. We need a vision for ________ (insert various things here). Christians should look and sound and dress differently from others. People notice whether your car is in the church parking lot - they're watching the Christians. People are going to ______ (you know the list), but are staying out of church due to Corona. He would not want to be watchin' I Love Lucy or twiddling his fingers when the Lord comes.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-15&version=KJV

We're not having fun in church because we've lost sight of God. Gary has been having lung problems during the last few years, so he thinks that if Covid "got a holt to me at just the raht time, it could take me outta here." But, of course, that's fine, because he'll go right to Heaven. Ah'm not makin' fun of anybody, ah'm not sayin' nothin' bad about it, if you wear the mask, please wear it. Just leave me alone. Mask mandates, shut downs. But God has been so good to Gary that he hasn't missed any services or meetings. Gary didn't take unemployment, his stimulus check was later than everyone else's and short $250 dollars. His income tax (he means his refund, but never says it correctly) was very late, but it was really God looking after him. God supplies his needs. There may come a day when he gets no food, but that just means God knew he didn't need any food that day. Peter, walkin' on the water, started to sink because he took his eyes off of Jesus. Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego didn't even smell like smoke. Daniel in the lions' den. Woke up this mornin', God's still on the throne, Donald Trump's still mah president. God ain't poppin' pills or worried about the election. If Joe Bahden gits in, Gary's still going to preach and travel. Jail, and the electric chair, again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jude+1%3A21-22&version=KJV

We've lost our compassion. Gary's got a burden for America. The preacher in NY who is leaving due to health issues. The guy who watched Gary's video and got a burden for Mexico.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galations+1%3A9&version=KJV

The gospel is only thedeathburialandresurrectionofourLordandsaviorJesusChrist. If you are not having fun in church, you're probably not saved. Hell is a hot place, the lake of fahhhr is forever. The rich man. Gary grew up in church, he knew what church issss, he heard Carl Lackey, Cal Soles (?), Jack Wood,  but on July 11,'99 (ooh, how casual!), he got rid of religion and got salvation. However he dies, you can put Covid on his death certificate, he'll be in Heaven. He KNOWS! But he's concerned about some family members, and some church members. Some people make it easy, some people make it hard, God makes it simple - believin' and receivin'. Make sure you're saved.

They moan God's Been Good. Gary comes to the lectern, and Jacob brings him his water bottle. Gary says his son-in-law is there, and talks about how they are going on vacation together next week, and hardly know one another, so the congregation should pray they don't kill each other.

This crowd seems to love him, or at least they need to yell Amens and other affirmations, for their own enjoyment, to any preaching. But they are loud and responsive.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A12-25&version=KJV

He actually gets most of this right. "With the help of the Lord, ah'm gonna preach, just for a few minutes, on Wha Church Isn't Fun Any Longer."

This is an old one. He gets revved up to bellowing mode quickly. He doesn't extract anything from the story of Jesus throwing the Plexus huns of his day out of the church for the first part of what he says. Oh, wait - once, in the middle of a long harangue about something completely unrelated, he does say "We shouldn't make the church a wordly placccce, it should be a holy placccce."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A1-4&version=KJV

Anything ending in "st" becomes "th," including his saying "canneth" instead of "canst."

You won't have fun in church if you've lost your love for God.

October has a "pasture appreciation day." Gary wants to know when is "wife of the pasture appreciation day." Gary, your track record for appreciating wives is not too good, so stop kissing up.

If you can't love your pasture, you can't love God.

He's lost 60 pounds, but he's still got enough flesh to get himself in trouble. "If ah could lose mah mouth, ah could prob'ly lose about 100 pounds amen!"

"The Bahble says be of one mind and one accord. That's not talkin' 'bout some Honda car you kin think of amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-21&version=KJV

We're not having fun in church because we've lost our songs.

"Ah got seven children all together - ah'm tryin' to sell a few of 'em, if anybody's buyin."

In one of his repetitive riffs, he is trying to say that various styles of music can't be Christian, but keeps repeating "rock" instead of "Christian." "There's no sucha thing as rock Christian. There's no sucha thing as rock country. There's no sucha thing as rock rap."

"Ah ain't talking about the boogie-woogie mess, and ah'm not talkin' about the honkey tonk junk, ah'm talkin' about spiritual singin' amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A12-14&version=KJV

KJV: And to the angel of the church in Pergamos write; These things saith he which hath the sharp sword with two edges
BGV: And the angels of the church of Pergamos write these things seth he which hath the sharp sword with the two edge

KJV: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr
BGV: I know thy works, and where thou dwelleth, even where thou - where Satan set - seats - seat is, and thou holdeth for - fast my name, and hath not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antias was my faithful martyr

KJV: But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumbling block before the children of Israel
BGV: But I have a few things against thee, because thou hath there from them that hold the doctrine of Bell, who taught Baylok to cast a stumblin' block before the children of Israel

Everything that follows this is old and under the spoiler. So, Gary preached his usual get saved and repent or burn message, and, somehow, that's supposed to make church fun.

And, please, Becky, have Gary practice saying "Revelation" and "verse" - singular, not plural! I've given up on pastor and reprobate.

Edited by thoughtful
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thoughtful

Eternity is a long time forever.

Spoiler

image.png.978cd5929aee590ec7a6b42d4bfe5b63.png

If you alter altar to put an "e" in the second syllable, it is now altered, and no longer an altar. And apostrophes really do have an actual purpose, Gary.

Spoiler

image.png.1cc3ea32bb274ab3c5e278d71333270a.png

Becky posted a picture of Jacob, Caleb, Michaela and Michaela's husband Joey Scruggs, in Gouge's church:

Spoiler

image.png.784a00d4564365f0f8d0a1ec6662a20d.png

 

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I have to admit, I like the "Eternity is a long time forever."  That's maybe my favorite Gary-ism so far.

So, the ladies at this church are expected to fix Thanksgiving food for Wednesday night and then they all have to make Thanksgiving for their families the next day?  No thanks, Bro Gouge.  You want gravy, you wait until Thursday.  I know where I'd tell him to stick his sign-up sheet.

I really doubt that Gary has lost 60 pounds.  It is possible, however, that the hunger is making him more angry.  You're hangry, Bro Hawkins.  Just go on and have some cornbread with those pintos next time.

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forgetmenow
3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

If you alter altar to put an "e" in the second syllable, it is now altered, and no longer an altar. And apostrophes really do have an actual purpose, Gary.

  Hide contents

image.png.1cc3ea32bb274ab3c5e278d71333270a.png

When I read this on FB, I was pleasantly surprised through the first 2 "altars" and was all, "You go, Gary!  Spell like the wind!"  Then the bubble burst with "you're" and it was all downhill from there.  You broke my heart, Gary.  I was rooting for you.

Edited by forgetmenow
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2 hours ago, Xan said:

No thanks, Bro Gouge.  You want gravy, you wait until Thursday

He could make it himself. Really not that hard.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He wants to make his truck jump to hymns like people do with rap.

Part of me really, really wants to see this.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

thou hath there from them that hold the doctrine of Bell, who taught Baylok to cast a stumblin' block before the children of Israel

Mobile phones. It's definitely mobile phones, the doctrine of Bell, causing the children of Israel to not look where they are going and fall over things.

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