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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They all sing Solid Rock,

Damn, and now I have Goanna's song by that name on the brain. 

They were standing on solid rock,

standing on sacred ground, 

living on borrowed time,

And the winds of change were blowing cold that night...

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

From the way he tells it, it sounds like the folks at the Saunders' church, in Thoreau NM were pretty horrified by what he was driving his wife and child around in. I am reading between the mumbles, of course.

Just how unroadworthy was that thing?!

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12 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Just how unroadworthy was that thing?!

Another mystery. We never saw it, or heard much about it. We don't know where Gary got it, and I don't think we know whether it was free. I remember that it needed new tires before he left NC.

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Whine, whine, lecture, lecture:

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Sunday evening service at Gateway, in Dewey AZ starts with all singing My Savior's Love, Gary moans while someone prays, then they all sing His Way With Thee and When We See Christ, the refrain of which makes me want to sing "Playmate, come out and play with me . . ."

The Hawkinses groan My Lord Is Taking Good Care of Me, and God's Been Good.

Gary comes up to the lectern, and thanks them for the nice place to stay. He'd made some comment in the morning about cold water, and says something again about getting the water situation under control.

Gary, it was free. As far as I'm concerned, you can have a cold shower every day, like Phil in Groundhog Day.

He whines at them about not giving up on missions, nobody caring about church any more, etc. He tells a joke - an old farmer decides to give up farming, and goes to the sheriff's office and announces he wants to be a deputy. The sheriff says it's not that easy, and asks him some questions:

"When does your birthday come?"
"Every year."
"What two days of the week start with T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The old farmer is stumped, and the sheriff tells him to go home and do some research, and come back when he finds out.

When the farmer goes home, his wife asks him how it went.

"It musta gone pretty good, he put me on my first murder case, amen!"

Tell that one from now on, Gary - it's better than your other attempts at humor.

Leave out the amen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+17%3A22&version=KJV

Medicine is pronounced "madison," of course.

So, with an opening joke, and this verse, Gary must be in a good mood, not a care on his mind. Something good must have happened. His usual spiel for this verse is about needing to enjoy life when we can, and laugh, because there will be lots of times when we have to cry.

He cheerfully tells us that earlier that day, when they were eating and fellowshipping, his phone kept "goin' off lahk a stick o' dynamite." He ignored it, then Becky's phone rang, and she answered it.

"Mah boy was puttin' wood on the fahr, 'n' throwed a little gas on it, he was gittin' real smart, amen," Becky is giggling. "and ended up in the hospital."

:pink-shock:      :wtf:

So, Caleb (I assume, since Jacob is with them) was burned badly enough to go to the hospital. Gary says he called him back later and found out the burns were first degree. He's grateful it's not worse, and that he's still alive.

He tells them that Jacob didn't go with them when they went to Utah for the trailer, but stayed with the family who'd been hosting them. Gary says "he didn't drink no water, he doesn't realize he's in a desert, you're supposed to drink 500 gallons a day, amen, and still don't have to go to the bathroom."

They were talking to him on the way back from Utah, and he said he was sick. "Ah said, oh, mah goodness, them Indians done give him the coronavahris, amen."

When they got home, I guess Becky figured it out, they got his fluid levels back up, then were making him laugh. He said to stop making him laugh because it hurt.

"Brother Chitty was tellin' me, he was in some rank of the Army, and ah don't remember where he was at, an' he, uh, wherever he was at . . ."

Brother Chitty was a Marine, and he was in Viet Nam, Gary.

"A bomb got him, it tore him up pretty bad, ah mean, he was missin' a few parts, but they thought - they put him as dead."

Gary goes on to tell us that his family was informed that he was dead. When he got safely to a hospital and they gave him a phone to call his family, he asked them to call first and let them know he was alive. Gary tells this like it's an amusing anecdote, but it doesn't sound funny to me, more like a guy making sure he didn't give his either of his parents a heart attack.

 And those are Gary's inspiring examples of keeping laughter in your life through the hard times.

?

I guess it's pretty easy when other people are getting burned, dehydrated and blown up.

While reminding us that laughter is like a madison, Gary mentions that he went off of his blood pressure pills after he lost 80 pounds, without, of course, talking to his doctor.

Gary finally tells his theme is Let's Just Get Happy.

Cue Partridge Family theme song.

Gary says he doesn't keep up with sports any more "becowse they're goin' nothin' but crazy, amen? I ain't watchin' somebody that's gonna destroy mah flag, amen."

Have people been destroying flags at sporting events, Gary? I think that would have made the news.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+10%3A20&version=KJV

KJV: Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice, because your names are written in heaven.
BGV: Notwithstanding in the rejoicing not that the spirit are -  are subject unto - un you; but rather rejoice, because your name's written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

Folks that "throw up stuff" in Gary's face that he used to do before he got saved get told "Shut up, it's none of your business, it's all under the blood, it's paid for, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+97%3A11-12&version=KJV

"Just becowse a person comes into the church that's got some kinda disease, or some kinda problem, or some kinda sicknesses or illness, however y'all say it out here in the western states, however it is, y'know what, just 'cause they get saved don't mean that's goin' away."

I think they call them the same things in the western states as they do in South Carolina, Gary.

Gary announces 1 Peter 1, but never gives us the verse. I find it anyway:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+1%3A4&version=KJV

KJV: To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you
BGV: To the inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, receiving in heaven for you - reserved in heaven for you.

Gary tells us how God has provides for his family's needs. He jokes that Jacob just complained that his shoes were too tight, and, if he can't get the money, he'll just have to cut holes in them.

Gary, you just got new boots for Jacob - are you already hinting for more shoes?

Gary is grateful that one of his daughters can play lots of instruments, when "ah'm not even sure ah can pick mah nose right, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+9%3A6-7&version=KJV

Gary is back to putting the governors on Jesus' shoulders.

Gary describes the wild night at the camp meeting in Texas, saying that they'd set up speakers for the people in the kitchen, so he heard it all. He says the musical group sang a song about the blood, and when they got to the chorus, "God showed up, and the church came unglued. No preacher, except for God."

Funny, I don't remember the coming unglued happening due to any particular song, but because brown jacket guy and some others whipped themselves into a frenzy.

Gary says he had no idea what his wife wanted him to do - he left the kitchen, went out where they were singing, and got to rejoicing. Becky is "amen"ing this story, so I guess she was OK with Gary wanting to go play - er, that is - feeling so inspired by the Lord that he had to stop helping her and go shriek with the men.

He makes some jokes about the small baptismal tub in the church, and opens and lets go of the lid, like he expected Senor Wences' Pedro to be in there.

Gary has such lovely images - he says you'll never be the same once God "gits all over you like ugly on a monkey."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A17&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+16%3A31&version=KJV

You'd better get saved.

Oh, and be happy.

Edited by thoughtful
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21 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Whine, whine, lecture, lecture:

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Gary continues to use God and Jesus interchangeably.  God didn't "give his life for the church".  I thought these KJV folks believed in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.  It just doesn't work out that way if you think all three are the same entity.

Edited by Xan
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37 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

...the refrain of which makes me want to sing "Playmate, come out and play with me . . ."

I always love the the little sidetracks you put in your Bro Gary recaps. :my_heart: If not for Covid-19, geographic distance, and sensible internet anonymity, I would meet you in person and teach you the clapping game my sister taught me in grade school to that very song! (Although we always sang, "My dollies have the flu, the mumps, and measles, too," in the second verse, instead of "My dollies have the flu. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo.") 

Gosh I'm a goofball. :happy-jumpeveryone:

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21 minutes ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

I always love the the little sidetracks you put in your Bro Gary recaps. :my_heart: If not for Covid-19, geographic distance, and sensible internet anonymity, I would meet you in person and teach you the clapping game my sister taught me in grade school to that very song! (Although we always sang, "My dollies have the flu, the mumps, and measles, too," in the second verse, instead of "My dollies have the flu. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo.") 

Gosh I'm a goofball. :happy-jumpeveryone:

I had this record when I was little.  I can still even sing the lyrics to "Tattle Tale Duck".  I'm not just a goofball.  I'm the queen of the goofballs.  (Hat tip to "Big Bang Theory" for that amended line.)

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Edited by Xan
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@Xan, that's so cool! :my_heart: We had 45 records and a little record player, but oddly Playmates, Come Out and Play with Me was not one of our 45s. Now I'm on a nostalgia trip, remembering those songs! (I'm fairly sure my brother broke my Rubber Duckie record, because he got tired of me singing along with Ernie incessantly. :pb_lol: )

I need to ask my sister where she learned the song and clapping game. And where she learned the cat's cradle-like string tricks she taught me. (Cat's Whiskers, Jacob's Ladder, Witch's Broom, and Pigeon Toes.) We are the two youngest of four "kids" in my family, but she always seemed to be breaking new ground, learning new things, and then teaching them to her little sister. 

And I bow to The Queen of the Goofballs™️! :bow-blue:

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If notfor Covid-19, geographic distance, and sensible internet anonymity, I would meet you in person and teach you the clapping game my sister taught me in gradeschool to that very song! 


I remember one of the Duggar girls playing that with someone during the special where they move from the Johnson Road house to “the rent house.”

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I found a video here of clapping to "Playmate", but our version is a little more complicated. 

It's cool how kid's games spread and change over the years.

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22 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

I always love the the little sidetracks you put in your Bro Gary recaps

I'm glad to hear it. I definitely have "stop me before I cross reference again" brain. Some people enjoy it, others find it annoying.

One great advantage of the Internet is that tangents don't have to make you lose track of what you were reading as much as they do in conversation, and everybody is free to scroll right past whatever someone wrote without hurting their feelings.

So sidetrackers like me aren't a problem for those who want to stay on topic - nobody needs to stand there politely listening to stuff they didn't want to hear, and those who want to go on one of the side journeys can do so.

I don't remember where I learned Little Playmates, but it wasn't from a record.

Here's a record I do remember from my childhood, which may explain why I'm so warped. I think I could recite most of it when I was seven:

 

 

8 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

No he did not say ‘those indians gave us coronavirus, right? Rufus bless

Gary seems to think that the Navajo people love jokes that insult them. Of course, that's only party racism - Gary and most of his family seem to think that everyone loves jokes that insult them.

Here a good question? How about, here is a totally imaginary scenario?

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Gary loves Texas - today. Lots of shitheads weigh in, proud of not wearing masks. ?

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I decided to check on some of Gary's commenters. Generally, I expect lavender to be soothing, but Jerry is an exception. Here's what he and the brain trust who comments on his page had to say today:

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Stand up for your 2nd adamant rights! It's in the connotation!

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11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Stand up for your 2nd adamant rights! It's in the connotation!

Autocorrect and spell check haven't done George Massie much good, have they? :headdesk:

"Take back American values with dunes if needbe."

Edited by WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?
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3 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

Autocorrect and spell check haven't done George Massie much good, have they? :headdesk:

"Take back American values with dunes if needbe."

And now I have a mental image of the Proud Boys with leafblowers, trying to move sand towards the Capitol building.

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4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary loves Texas - today. Lots of shitheads weigh in, proud of not wearing masks. ?

  Hide contents

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Citation please Eric. You're also at 1 in10 infected I believe, and over 1800 dead. 

On 3/2/2021 at 3:21 PM, Xan said:

Gary continues to use God and Jesus interchangeably.  God didn't "give his life for the church".  I thought these KJV folks believed in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.  It just doesn't work out that way if you think all three are the same entity.

I have no idea what this mob believes, but I don't see them as having the, um, intellectual nuance to regard the Trinity as three aspects of one deity. I honestly think they don't really know what they believe either, other than the opposite of what the liberals want.

On 3/2/2021 at 2:59 PM, thoughtful said:

Folks that "throw up stuff" in Gary's face that he used to do before he got saved get told "Shut up, it's none of your business, it's all under the blood, it's paid for, amen."

Repentance is more than saying magic words Gary. Have you ever apologised to those you offended? Tried to do better? Tried to listen?

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On 3/2/2021 at 12:06 AM, Xan said:

I had this record when I was little.  I can still even sing the lyrics to "Tattle Tale Duck".  I'm not just a goofball.  I'm the queen of the goofballs.  (Hat tip to "Big Bang Theory" for that amended line.)

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If you are the queen of the goofballs, I am the empress. Lookit what I bought with either boxtops or actual money !

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16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Stand up for your 2nd adamant rights! It's in the connotation!

Oh my… not only have the words "weens," "veehickles" and "The Walmarts" entered my family's daily vocabulary, I now have to start talking about my 2nd adamant rights! I will be adamant about it! 

Also I want to know what happened to Rascal! Did he die? Did Bro give him away?

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3 hours ago, PumaLover said:

I now have to start talking about my 2nd adamant rights! I will be adamant about it! 

Personally, I'm very amendment about my 1st adamant rights.

I speak so freely, I make no sense! ?

Becky has some advice, since this has worked out so well for her:

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Gary and Becky will, at 7 PM. We don't know what they will, but they will, nonetheless.

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Expect the next gary moan to be about them taking all our books and hide the kjv bible before they ban that too. Currently doing the rounds on Garry's friend pages are similarities to nazis who burned the books they didnt like.

All this, of course is in reaction to de seuss family not newly publishing certain stories of his.

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17 hours ago, clese said:

Expect the next gary moan to be about them taking all our books and hide the kjv bible before they ban that too. Currently doing the rounds on Garry's friend pages are similarities to nazis who burned the books they didnt like.

All this, of course is in reaction to de seuss family not newly publishing certain stories of his.

Well, Gary doesn't need the Seuss decision to rant and rave about the evil libs taking Bibles away - he's been doing that for years.

Last night's video from Lighthouse Baptist Church in Avondale AZ starts with the congregation singing He Keeps Me Singing. A man puts on a mask on the other side of the room - it's a miracle!

Spoiler

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A woman says something I can't catch (sounds like it ends with "with that accent"). Gary laughs loudly.

The man on the other side of the room pulls his mask down under his nose. :sigh2:

Then a prayer, with "yes," "Oh, God," and other moans from Gary, especially when he is prayed for.

The pastor mistakenly says Gary is from South Carolina, and is corrected. Anouncements, including doorknocking, services, and updates on a missionary to Portugal, and how the government in Mongolia was being way too invasive about the pandemic, and it was useless, so the US shouldn't follow suit. Oh, and prayers for people who are ill (including someone with "pancreaitis") or just died.

He calls a man to the front, but I can't hear why. This man is wearing a mask, too, as are a few people we can see in the congregation - Gary, what kind of liberal hell have you entered? He quotes Spurgeon, prays, and is so quiet that I really can't hear enough of what he is saying to recap. It mostly sounds like more prayers for specific people and situations, so I fast-forward.

The all sing a verse of Sweet Hour of Prayer, then I Sing the Almighty Power of God. The Hawkinses sing Standing on the Solid Rock and I Can Trust Jesus.

Gary comes to the lectern, and says it's good to be in Arizona. We hear Becky chuckle, and say "he didn't say Arkansas." I don't know if she expected him to screw up, or try to make a joke to pay the pastor back for saying South Carolina.

Actually, the pastor has good reason to have said South, not North - I couldn't hear it all, but he did tell how he met Gary's father many years ago, when he was in South Carolina, but didn't actually remember Gary. Gary picks up on that now, in his usual elegant manner:

"He don't remember me, and ah don't remember him, amen? And, uh, whenever ah came in, went straight to the restroom, and, uh, ah thought, well, how many decades ago has that been, since he was there, and, uh, ah I wasn't ever forgot, so ah wasn't definitely lookin' for a preacher, amen? 'N' that's truth, ah mean, ah ain't bein' mean, ah ain't bein' boastful on that part."

Gary fidgets with the microphone, asks "Is this thing on?" Gary, you are so much louder than anyone who has spoken before you, that I had to turn down the volume on the video.

Please don't ask me what Gary meant with his weird bathroom reflection about the pastor, because I have no idea.

"Ah wouldn't mahnd movin' out here, there's only one problem, y'all ain't got enough trees, amen?  So, um, y'all got cactuses, not trees, and, uh, last time we was out here and ah got seven kids altogether, and last time we was out here Brother ______(?)'s kids was takin' mah kids out there and showin' 'em how close they could git to that cactus raht before it shocked ya so ah'm assumin' maybe they was tryin' to git mah kids to be hurt or whatever and I'd have to pay a big ol' doctor bill, but, uh, we thank God for it if you can, you're willin' and able stand for the readin' of the word of God. Luke chapter two start readin' in verses one."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A1-19&version=KJV

As ever, a degree, not a decree, and Cyprius for Cyrenius. Also Judah instead of Judaea, and lots of other errors.

Gary's theme is The Greatest Gift Ever Given.

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He says that before they are saved, people do all kinds of things, and spend money, trying to get joy. But as soon as he got saved, Gary had joy.

Gary read 40 chapters of his Bible today, but he's not braggin' on Gary. I bet Becky and Jacob did lots of chores during that time.

The only way to shut him up is to put him in the electric chair. He says so. Gary, don't tempt people.

Gary makes sure they know he was "hangin' out on the Indian reservation where you're not supposed to hang out" in New Mexico, and you can "tell it to Facebook, tell it to the governors, ah don't really care," because "those people need Jesus."

"Hey, listen, hey, them Indians, ah follow, listen, ah was talkin', ah was ready to git the Indian bow and arrows out with 'em amen? I was hopin' they didn't scalp me while I was there, amen?"

Silence.

"The Indians are mah people."

Too late, Gary.

Hey Gary:

Spoiler

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And Gary, it seems, takes me up on the offer.

"Listen, hey, awana say somethin' to ya, ah'm not goin' to Africa, but ah can go out here and find a  lot of African people. Ah'm not goin' to Phillipines, you say wha, God didn't call me there."

Gary screams about how he means all of the people who live in America when he says he is called to preach to America, and does his shit about Black Lives Matter/Bible says all lives matter.

He tells us how he went out doorknocking in January with a guy who is usually a missionary to Mexico, but couldn't go there due to the pandemic, so "God's using him here in America to reach what? The Spanish people in El Paso. You know what, he was talkin' to two different ones, ah have no idear what they said. But ah do believe he was tellin' 'em about Jesus."

He switches over from racial and ethnic slurs to descriptions of illnesses, and telling us how little he deserves the good life he has.

The rich man is still in Hell, wanting a drink of water. You better make sure you're saved.

Gary's glad God sent Becky his way - she's the next best thing after salvation.

But she's never given him as good a gift as Jesus has.

Edited by thoughtful
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OK Folks, I checked up on our friend Jethere.  Seems he’s trying to record a gold label song and Mrs Fuqua is on the lam and being all disobedient.

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Also, all you sluttish wimmens back off.

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35 minutes ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Also, all you sluttish wimmens back off.

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Would it help Mr. Fuck-yeah to know those friend requests aren't actually coming from real women?

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If you don't want to wear them mask, leave Gary allow!

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Gary - the Father's business, God's word - not the FATHER business and GOD word.

And it didn't really need to be said, especially since you have said it dozens of times already.

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5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

So, um, y'all got cactuses, not trees, and, uh, last time we was out here and ah got seven kids altogether, and last time we was out here Brother ______(?)'s kids was takin' mah kids out there and showin' 'em how close they could git to that cactus raht before it shocked ya so ah'm assumin' maybe they was tryin' to git mah kids to be hurt or whateve

What? Like, an electric cactus? 

Maybe instead of an electric chair?

Im so confused!
 

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49 minutes ago, Jasmar said:

What? Like, an electric cactus? 

Maybe instead of an electric chair?

Im so confused!
 

Probably just Gary's usual inability to come up with words. But maybe, being the clean living Christian that he is, he didn't want to say "prick," even as a verb.

:lol4:

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