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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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samurai_sarah

Continued from the last hotdog stand:

 

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Black Aliss

So, do I have this right, that GHaw and JRod are expecting the USPS to come through for them in this letter-writing campaign when they were fine about the same service not delivering people's ballots?

And is Jill really so ignorant that she can't grasp how one candidate might be in the lead at one point and another in the lead later on? 

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Dana723
49 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

So, do I have this right, that GHaw and JRod are expecting the USPS to come through for them in this letter-writing campaign when they were fine about the same service not delivering people's ballots?

And is Jill really so ignorant that she can't grasp how one candidate might be in the lead at one point and another in the lead later on? 

Yes to both of those

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thoughtful

Time for me to clear my schedule and choose my solitaire games - Gary's ready to preach again!

Spoiler

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Gary is not leaving Facebook, but only for the noblest of reasons!

I think.

This one reaches a level of nonsensical gobbledeegook that surpasses even Gary's usual mess. But I'm pretty sure he's saying it's cowardly of them to all go to Parler, rather then trying to convert all of the evil heathens on Facebook.

So, if he doesn't see them on Facebook, he'll see them "over on the other side place call Heaven."

Spoiler

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Becky's looking for laptop advice "for the ministry."

Spoiler

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And behold, the Lord did bless the ware of Tupper, and did seal their lids tightly, ere He burped the air bubble. And the people did rejoice in the freshness of their victuals.

 

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thoughtful

Yes they are, Gary. We wish you'd learn that.

Spoiler

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Considering Gary's oft-repeated "only mah wahf tickles mah ears" joke-attempt, think he's more turned on than off by this picture?

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Black Aliss

Why wouldn't a $150 Chromebook be more than enough for Becky's computing needs? It's not as if she's going to be searching for new Mersenne primes, or designing rockets for SpaceX--she's going to be Parlering, Instagramming, and emailing and maybe typing up bulletins for the Ministry. Period.

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36 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Why wouldn't a $150 Chromebook be more than enough for Becky's computing needs? It's not as if she's going to be searching for new Mersenne primes, or designing rockets for SpaceX--she's going to be Parlering, Instagramming, and emailing and maybe typing up bulletins for the Ministry. Period.

She's hoping someone will just send her one.  It's like Gary's ladder and JillRod's car -- they put the need out there and hope someone will give them stuff instead of just advice.

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thoughtful

And in another instance of Gary sounding dirtier than he realizes, he likes it when God does it.

Spoiler

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We are to get and get to go!

Spoiler

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Sunday school at Charity Baptist - as the video starts, the pastor (?) is asking everyone to go visit someone who "misses you tremendously," as a congregant coughs loudly.

Well, doesn't that just sum up their attitude toward the pandemic perfectly.

And then he asks prayers, including for those affected by Covid.   :bangheaddesk:

Pray for the lost, distribute those fliers, and get people into church. But he understands why people won't answer the door during Covid. :bangheaddesk:

When he asks if anyone wants to add prayers, congregants say the names, but Gary gives a whole description of someone who has cancer, and now "the yalla jandice on top o' that, pneumonia all of a sudden now" and to pray for the family, because "'less the Lord intervenes, he's not gonna be here much longer."

Does Gary think you get better quality prayers if you describe symptoms and certain death? Probably not - I think he just loves such talk.

After prayers, the Hawkinses sing Jesus Passed By and Gary comes to the lectern.

Spoiler

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+85&version=KJV

KJV: Lord, thou hast been favourable unto thy land: thou hast brought back the captivity of Jacob.
Bro Gary Version: The Lord, thou hast been favourable unto thy land: thou hast brought back the capdiddy of Jacob.

Cap Diddy - sounds like a rapper who never takes his hat off.

KJV: Thou hast forgiven the iniquity of thy people, thou hast covered all their sin.
BGV: Thou hast forgiven the iniquity of thy people, thou hast coveted all their sins.

KJV: thou hast turned thyself from the fierceness of thine anger.
BGV: thou hast turned thyself from the feerettness of thine anger.

He realizes that his water bottle is still at his seat, asks Becky to hand it to him, and actually goes to her to get it. :fainting:

What a gent.

Well-worn Garyisms are under the spoiler. These people love him - they're laughing at his joke-like things, amenning, and even saying yes whenever he asks if he's making sense. There are also several people coughing loudly throughout.

Spoiler

He has a burden for America. The Lord is angry because of what is happening in America. He was afraid of whether they'd be stopped from doorknocking in NY, but the police officers just waved at them. We'll never have full revival, but we can have little sparks. Get away from the television. He knew Fox was going off the deep end before any of this ever happened. They took camp meetings, Sunday school and sports away from kids, but not Hellween. Covid numbers are exaggerated, Gary refuses to be tested, even though he's had a lot of  the symptoms, off and on, for almost 365 days. You're gonna die from something. The rich man is still in Hell, asking for a drop of water. We might wanna get a little bit more afraid of God than the vahrus. Gary's not doing this for his own glory, only to save souls. He don't like Pelosi, she is wicked and ungodly, but she's not the problem. Go ahead and take your halo off, you ain't as good as you think you are. The old-time ways are best, Amazing Grace and Nothing But the Blood are the best songs. He thanks God for Facebook, but it is not church. Be ye holy, not holier than thou, he is no better than a drunk, he's just accepted Christ. Be different, be peculiar, like the picture of Lester Roloff with the eyes that foller you. "Ah don't believe in women preachers, HAYMEN!" "Ah don't have to go to church, ah get to go to church." He ain't bein' mean, because Jude said some having compassion making a difference. Wives can get away with poisoning their husbands now, because all death certificates say Covid-19. There's nothing good about Gary, only Jesus. The drunk Indian ("one them homeless Indians") in SD who mooched food off of them, went to AAA, but stayed drunk. Paul says crucify your flesh daily, sometimes Gary has to do it hourly. Put yourself in the offering plate. Gary has left gospel tracts everywhere he goes - he makes special mention of public bathrooms. He's lost 60 pounds. He wants to figure out how to make his truck jump up and down to gospel music.

Proverbs 18:7 -  I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A1&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A15&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+28%3A19&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+24%3A6-7&version=KJV

A lot of people say they want revival, "but it costses things to have revahval."

"We've got to get out and live, amen? There was a preacher up in - he's from the mountains of North Ca'lahna, 'n' ah met him up in West Virginia here just a few months back, 'n' he's got cancer, he's got all kinds of issues, and the doctor said 'now with this Covid goin' on, you need to stay home!' And he looked at his family and he said 'I love you, ah wanna stay here as long as the Lord's gonna let me, but ah'm not gonna be stuck behind four doors, amen.'"

Four doors? Did he think they wanted him to stay in the car?

I can't help wondering if this is the man who is dying now. Not a great example, Gary.

1 Peter 2:1-2 - KJV: Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings, as newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby
BGV: Wherefore layin' aside aowll malice, and all gahl, hypocriticis - and hypocrite -  criticis - and envy, and all the evil speaking, as newborn babes, desirin' the sincere milk of the word of God, that ye may grow therebah.

Gary tells us the shocking news that he's "never really been a book reader." He never gets anything new out of re-reading anything, except, of course, the KJV.

Sports (when "they" don't take them away from us) are mostly on Sundays, and school practices always seem to be the same night as mid-week church. Gary implies (but, I grant, doesn't say) this is some sort of anti-church plot.

You should be in church, "unless you're illy." "If you dah, please make sure somebody faxes us a copy of your death certificate, so we know it's for real, amen."

:wtf:

1 Peter (or as Gary says, "first Peters") - Gary says it's the same chapter, verse 16, then reads from a different chapter: Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

He tells a story, trying to make a very convoluted point (and joke) about bad churches. Sounds like his sister (who goes to a church Gary doesn't approve of) called his brother and was asking if Cooper wanted to shut down churches for the latest lockdown, and Gary said her church should be shut down, and she said "Bah - ah'll talk to you later!"

Get it? :roll:

Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Gary asks them to pray for him to get the right message for them this week, "because the Devil's gonna do everythin' with mah mahnd, and scramble junk up in' there, amen!"

Now there is a clever use of the devil as an excuse!

Gary was in "Walmarts," which, he makes sure they know, he hates. His phone's "this is Donald Trump" ringtone went off (he interrupts his story to say "You aginst Donald Trump? Don't talk to me, amen"), and "the lady" :confusion-shrug: said she was concerned about the election. But Gary reassured her. He thinks, when all is said and done, Trump will still be president. But, whether he is or not (he lists all of the possibilities he thinks are in the Dems plot -  Biden, Harris, Pelosi), God's still in control.

He says not to fret or be troubled, just be an adult and pray - that will change everything. Get your news from the 66 books.

Gary thinks Cooper's re-election (and now he says the first election) was crooked. He mentions the letter writing campaign that he still thinks Trump has requested. He says he's willing to sign petitions and do anything it takes to get Cooper out.

Wait, I thought we were supposed to be adults and pray. You just said so, Gary.

Gary claims he's bashful. :shock:

Go tell someone how much fun you had in church with the crazy, spittin' preacher from Germanton.

Edited by thoughtful
riffles of Satan
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Now that I think about it, I feel that Gary is actually making people dumber everywhere he goes.  Not only is he possibly spreading germs, he's spreading lies and ignorance with every little sermon he gives.  I may have to re-think that whole "freedom of speech" idea.  As much as I love that we can say what we want in this country, it appears that there are repercussions for allowing ignorance to flourish.

Since we're almost to the Christmas season, here's an appropriate passage from Dickens' A Christmas Carol.  The spirit has just shown Scrooge two pitiful children --

Spirit, are they yours?” Scrooge could say no more.

“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!” cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. “Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.”

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Black Aliss

So, God is in charge of elections when a Republican wins, but somehow he's not when it's a Democrat. Got it!

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Dana723
4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells us the shocking news that he's "never really been a book reader."

Get out of town!

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thoughtful

Sunday morning service video starts with When I See the Blood - hey, a blood hymn that I hadn't heard yet.

The pastor (?) prays while Gary has his moaning prayergasm.

Prayers for revival, and he's not going to bother with the list - it's the same as for Sunday school. He is very hoarse, keeps clearing his throat and coughing.

The Hawkinses sing Standing on the Rock of Ages, then Gary is up again.

Spoiler

Gary doesn't worship Buddha - Buddha is in Hell for rejecting Jesus. Gary hates the devil.  It will take forever if he has to do the preaching, and the praying and the amenning, and he's "not bein' ugly." If he had the money, he'd start a TV station with only gospel preaching. Smart phones outsmart you because they make you look down. "Ah'll preach no matter who ah harelip, from the preacher to his wife to the church." There's a hell to shun and a heaven to gain. "Turn to verses _____ (says only one verse number) real quick-lahk." The devil wants you to believe NBC, CNN, etc., and not God's word. "Git your eyes on Jesus, and you'll stop  ________" (repeat with various bad actions, doubts, etc.). The closer we get to the comin' of the Lord, the less people want church. Old time stuff is better, including music. Klove is rock & roll. Some southern gospel music is bad, too. Also rap. KJV is written at a 5th-6th grade level. Kids go off to college and come back fools. The best bible college is your local church.

He rattles of the one about the church that caught on fire (fahhrrrr), and the man that came to watch. When the pastor said "I've never seen you here before," the man said "I've never seen the church on fahhhhhhrrrrrr" We should be on fahr!

Carl Lackey, Jimmy Robins, Roger Williams, Dr. Sammy Allen, Dr, Bobby Roberson. Various things are a messssss. Gary's traveled and seen some beautiful places, so God must have created it all. They need to go home to watch I Love Lucy. Only KJV is a bible, the rest are books, the NIV takes the word blood out and says Mary wasn't a virgin. The fake bibles need to be updated periodically, just like cell phones, because of the devil. God put the thees and thous in there, so they need to stay. Gary was raised in church (Daddy got out of church, then back in, but it was a lady preacher, then they got it right) but he wasn't saved until July 11, 1999, Open Door Baptist Church, Marion SC, on Sandhill Road.  Works, church membership, baptism (you know the list) won't get you into heaven, just believing and receiving Jesus. There's a mansion waiting for you.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+25%3A29-34&version=KJV

The devil will get you sell out. You shouldn't be for sale.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+20%3A27&version=KJV

The devil will make you doubt your belief.

And about two dozen iterations of "awana tell ya somethin'"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+4%3A1-11&version=KJV

Gary wants to preach on The Devil Wants You.

"The Devil's after ussssss."

"You need to stay real close to God. You need to be under his wingssss."

When Gary was young, he played PacMan. The games they have now are "WICKET!"

"Ah go to places 'n' you see these kids runnin' around - walkin' around, runnin' into things, and we say 'why?' Becowse their mahnd's gowen. At 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 years old, their mahnd's gone." Long pause and:

Spoiler

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Then "Amen?"

Also, as I look at that picture, I think Gary, for all he's proud of his weight loss and keeps trying on smaller pants, has not yet realized he can quit tying his ties so unevenly. That thing's going to be down to his knees if he gets really slim.

When he was a kid, he had fun - it was sports, outside. Wait, Gary - you forgot the PacMan, which you just mentioned!

He adds to his routine about nothing good being on TV by telling us that a women "put on there" (Facebook, I assume) that "them cook shows is good. No, them cook shows make you fat, amen?"

"All of a sudden, becowse Facebook is not - is denying some of the things, hey, they're just not right, they're throwin' off, uh, anything that's good on the politician world, they're gettin' rid of it!"

I think he was going to talk about people leaving Facebook, and why he's not, but, with perfect timing, somebody's ringtone goes off, which results in some chuckles, and Gary completely loses his train, mumbles about "it's just as bad, Facebook's just as bad, but hey, we can use some this stuff for the Lord, amen?"

Talking about how he offends people, Gary says he was "preachin' on dawgs, 'n' listen, mah wahf's got one. HAYMEN! Ah wasn't sayin' anything bad about the dawgsssss. Mine ain't even big enough to use for Chanese and just a little perty fours somewhere ________ (couldn't understand some). Cain't even mop the floor with the stupid thing."

He finally gets to the story, such as it is. He used dogs as an illustration in something he preached somewhere, and the preacher's wife said (stupid-voice) "'You cain't be talkin' 'bout mah dogs.' Well, ah just happened to be there Sunday naht, too, and ah talked about her dawgs amen."

He gets a big laugh, and clearly relishes how he hurt and offended this woman (and, at this point, probably Becky).

Matthew 14:30 - KJV: But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
BGV: But when he saw the wind boistering, he was afraid; and begin to sink, he cried, say, Lord, save me.

The devil will tell you not to bother going to every church service by insulting the preacher: "All he's gon' do is t'say the same thing again, all he's gon' repeat is the same thing, he's gonna reuse the same scriptures, git it raht and we kin move on amen!"

That's not the devil Gary - not in the case of you and your fellow IFB preachers.

Gary's heard some preachers who aren't convincing. "Best thing for them to do's sit down and shut up amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+14%3A14&version=KJV

Gary talks about people's excuses for not getting up early for church. He says that, if church started at 8:30, he'd have to get Becky out of bed at 5:00, so she could make herself up in time.

He is forgiving of people who have to miss church for work (well, that's new). He says that we're living in a time when, if you don't work, you're fired. I'm not sure that's unique to this time, Gary, but it is a reason for some of those things you think are scary socialism, like parental leave, limits on how employers can abuse people, a living wage, etc.

He encourages anyone who works in a nursing home to go to work, because "Como up there in New York wants to kill all of 'em, amen!"

When he has trouble reading his own writing, Gary jokes that he should get Becky to write his messages, then says she'd be a better preacher than he is. Such jolly fun, when you know for sure she'd never be permitted to do so.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+11%3A2-3&version=KJV

The devil will try to make you forget who Jesus issssss.

Gary relishes the story of someone who got in a bad car accident, and a time he saw two people jump out of a car that then blew up. His point? He's grateful that the kids or Becky made him late leaving sometimes, because it was actually God keeping Gary out of an accident.

"Ah believe, unless the Lord comes, President Donald Trump will be back in office. Ya say wha? Ah'm not sure God's done."

He gets into a long crazy rant about "the Covid." Now he says "we haven't seen no persecution in America." He also says he could see "the writin' on the wall, there's more vahruses than there's ever been, there's more hospitalized than there's ever been."

Gary, didn't you say "they" would stop talking about it and it would go away on November 4, because it was being blown out out proportion to make Trump look bad?

He says there weren't very many people at the hospital when he took Becky there and picked her up. I'm not sure, but does he somehow think the fact that he didn't see a lot of people is a sign that all the reports of rising hospitalizations are fake?

But then, he says he doesn't like to go to hospitals because "that's where the Covid is."

:confusion-shrug:

Maybe Gary is saying every possible thing he can think of about Covid, so later he can claim "I told you so."

He announces and reads 2 Timothy 3:8. KJV: Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.
BGV:  Now as Janna and Jaymber withstood Mosesss, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt mahnds, reptobate concerning their faith.

A man in the congregation says a hearty "YES!" and Gary mumbles "That's not what ah wanted." After more mumbling, checking 1 Timothy 3:8 and giving up, he tells them they can find it - it's the one about the truth.

Hey Gary - it's the verse right before the one you read:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+3%3A7&version=KJV

Anyway, the devil will make you doubt the truth. This includes the devil making you think the preacher doesn't know what he's talking about. :laughing-jumpingpurple:

The verse suddenly pops into his head, and he rattles it off by memory.

The World doesn't like the truth - "they want us to believe that Donald Trump was winnin' Tuesday night, but Wednesday mornin' 'bout three o'clock, Mr. Bahden all of a sudden winnin'."

Yes, Gary, because how math works is a pretty basic truth. When you count more things, the number goes higher, because there are more things. :bangheaddesk:

As he's ripping into the non-KJV bibles, he says something that sounds like "I don't care what Dr. Soapklud comes up with." I wonder whose name he's manhandling. This man, maybe?

https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Sokoloff/e/B001JWYU40?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_8&qid=1605495157&sr=1-8

He announces Matthew 7:26, reads Matthew 8:26, then realizes he's in the wrong chapter, and goes back.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+7%3A26-27&version=KJV

The devil will try to get you to - Gary goes off onto a tangent about building practices - oh, the devil will try to get you to build on sinking sand.

He announces the next reading at the wrong verse, as well, then corrects himself.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+18%3A11-12&version=KJV

In case nobody's ever told you this before - you need to get saved.

 

Edited by thoughtful
The Devil will make you submit without seeing your riffles. HAYMEN!
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Don'tlikekoolaid
42 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Is Gary afraid people fake their deaths to get out of church?

I know I would!

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Becky posted  a passage from a book written by C.S. Lewis (published in 1942) about people being afraid to go out in public because they'd get sick.  Apparently, that's how the devil gets his claws into you -- through fear.  Surprise, surprise -- Lewis didn't write that or anything like it.  It took all of 30 seconds to debunk the whole post.

Honestly, the Trump minions will literally believe anything.

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AmazonGrace

For all the Bible verses about truth and honesty, they sure love their fake news and lies.

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AuntKrazy

I just want to say that Gary has obviously not looked at an NIV at all - which in Luke 1:26-38, very clearly indicates that Mary was a virgin.  It just doesn't change her name to "the virgin Mary" every time her name occurs.

Clearly, this "reason" is more about Gary's reading comprehension and ability to drink the KoolAid of his KJV only belief system than about anything else including truth.

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thoughtful
12 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Is Gary afraid people fake their deaths to get out of church?

Wha, he's jest a good ol' boy makin' a hilarious joke, don'tcha know?

Sorry, I drifted from Gary into Foghorn Leghorn there - easy to do.

Back to Charity Baptist , Sunday evening service. BTW, I am disappointed to report that, although they are in Saxapahaw, and it's even in the name, the church's official address is listed as being in Graham, and that's what Gary's been saying. So we don't get to hear him struggle with Saxapahaw. In fact, at one point in the message, he mentions that he is purposely using Graham because he's afraid to try to say the other.

Spoiler

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They sing Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. The pastor asks Gary to lead the prayer. Gary can't pray and moan at the same time, which is good. Nobody else moans - they just listen.

There is some conversation about microphones that aren't there, requests for prayers (the pastor still sounds like he can barely get words out). He asks them to pray for "these that have made professions of faith that they would recognize the reality of repentance. Salvation without repentance is not worth a plug nickel."

Gary says "Amen - 'zactly raht."

Pastor: "Ah know lot of people who profess to be Christian, and a handful that are Christian."

Gary: "Yes, sir! Amen!"

The pastor asks prayers for various people, and for anyone who had been there that morning, and didn't have to work (I'm pretty sure he means those who chose not to come back for evening service - clearly reptobates!).

Pastor asks them to pray for "what's left of this election process."

He asks prayers for a man he met that afternoon who is "homeless - who we seem to attract." :wtf: The man asked for prayers, said he'd come to church that night, but isn't there. The pastor lost his name, "but God knows his name."

I think we can draw the conclusion that the pastor is throwing shade on lots of people who say they're saved or want to come to church, and aren't there.

Jacob asks prayers for his grandmother "as she goes through the dialysis training." So I guess the home-dialysis is about to start. Becky asks prayers for their travels.

Becky and Gary sing Promises. Gary goes to the lectern, and tells Becky to bring him his water. Ah, well  - I guess his days as a gentleman to his post-surgical wife have come to an end.

Gary says it's good to be in church, he'd rather be there than in jail, or the best hospital in the state.

Are those your only three choices, Gary?

He tells his Trump don't wear glasses joke-like thing. They laugh.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+3%3A1-8&version=KJV

He gets about half of the words right.

Ancient and dusty Gary-isms are under the spoiler.

Spoiler

God has taken keer to keep His promises. Old rugged cross (about 6-7 times), they mowked Noah, and they mowk us, but the Lord's soon comin'. Ssssssss at the end of almost every word that ends in s. The rich man's repentin' every day, because he rejected Christ. Everything, including your car and money, belong to God. When we get to Heaven, we'll get to be just like God. The Catholics think a wafer and wine will get you into Heaven, the Methodists think a little sprinkling will do it, but the Baptists do it God's way. If you have a problem with that, take it up with God. He can do all things through Christ, but not through Gary, or Rebecca, or Jacob even "when he is good once a year amen." Becky woke him up when he stopped breathing and he was mad because he was almost to Heaven. He can't do anything, ever, without Jesus. Go 'head 'n' take yer halo off, ya ain't as good as ya think ya are. Now awana say, ya say wha, turn to _______chapter ___, look in verses____ (says only one number), in the part of, 'n' all them other things. He's annoyed that people have to have family time, and go to work, and "do all this," and "come church tahm or come visitation tahm" they don't have the time. Searching for a name of some old-time preacher that Becky has to provide. We have better tools than Noah had, but, in Noah's time, they built things with the help of Christ. Abraham went when God told him, and, when Gary told Becky they had to start traveling "she's like all spiritual preachers' wahves," she told him he was in the wrong prayer closet. Becky wouldn't go without at least knowing where, but Sarah did. His mama BEAT him, don't you dare say spank, she would have beat him for calling it spanking. The teens in South Dakota who told him he could lose his salvation by waking up in the middle of a bad dream. He may as well be in Heaven, because he's going to have a mansion and a new body and a new robe and look just like Jesus. Billy Kelly and his rotten cornstalk. "Whenever" instead of "when." The devil puts skinny beautiful women on billboards to sell beer, but doesn't tell how you'll be puking your guts out. He lets his kids have fun twice a year. The foolishness of preachin' - not FOOLISH preachin, the foolishness of preachin'. Ah'm not lookin' for the undertaker, ah'm lookin' for the uppertaker. Facebook is not church. Some people never came back to church after governors stoped bein' steupid and opened up churches again. Church is essential.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+5%3A13&version=KJV

He believes that God can keep him safe.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/ ?search=John+14%3A6&version=KJV

Jesus is the only way.There may be many doors in this church, but there is only one door to Heaven.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A31&version=KJV

Believe, receive and accept. Becky made sure he knew when her birthday was and that she expects a gift every year. God gives us the gift of salvation. He don't do this so he can get to Heaven, he does it so other people can get to Heaven. It's not about Gary, it's about God.

"The last thing that's on our big lagenda  far as in -  as far as in the church sense, as far as being saved 'n' things, the next big thing will be the rapture."

Gary, Big Lagenda sounds like the Big Lebowski's Italian cousin. Or a medical condition "I'm sorry to tell you, Mr. Smith, you have an enlarged lagenda. We'll have to operate."

With the help of the Lord, for just a few minutes, Gary wants to preach on Just Believe Jesussssss.

People change, but God never changes. Gary includes "he looks just the same." Gary knows how God looks?

He says the next reading is from "Ephesia - Flipyans." Almost did it again, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phillipians+4%3A13&version=KJV

While yelling about how Jesus helps him with everything, including losing weight, he gets into talking about how his family is going to tempt him with food on Thanksgiving, taking a detour to say "Ah  know what Cooper says, ah really don't give a flip amen."

Yeah, Gary - I really wasn't expecting you to suddenly acquiesce to lockdown.

Anyway, what Gary's cooking on Thanksgiving, to counter his family's unhealthful offerings, is going to be "very, very, very healthy, and that's

Spoiler

a fried turkey! AMEN!"

He tells us that the downfall for a Baptist preacher is banana puddin', which Gary's mother is sure to make.

Becky chuckles and says: "She's done bought the puddin."

While insulting the preachers who didn't have meetings due to the pandemic, he calls them the "gray-headed men who've been settin' at home"  and says he hasn't missed a service "You ask wha is that? Becowse of Christ. Now, wha He favored me and nobody else ah don't know, maybe they had money and ah didn't, ah guess He knew ah needed it amen."

Be careful, Gary - you may end up accidentally telling the truth about thinking you are Jesus' favorite and how much you want money and attention.

Gary found diesel fuel for a good price - becowse o' Christ.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+17%3A20&version=KJV

Gary says you have to prime people these days to get them to do anything. He tries to compare it to priming an old-fashioned pump, over and over and over, working his arm - I think he is confusing priming with pumping.

"We're not exempt from bein' out of church tomorrow!"

Oh? Well - good! 😁

"Ah'm not in Yankee land, ah'm down here where people that knows what a mustard seed is."

Moses' rod parted the Red Sea with the help of Christ, then the "Pharaoh bunch" drowned in "whatever length of water they got into."

Gary tells us about the virus Gary Lutrick and another preacher had - much worse than "the Covid," about nine years ago. Becky tells him it was influenza A. Gary says "whatever that is." The same time that Lutrick got out of the hospital, the other guy that "got the bug, the same flu, whatever it is mah wahf called that thang - he died. That is disappointing, but ya know what, he probably wasn't too disappointed about it, amen. Ah'm jest tryin' to tell you tonight, God is able."

:wtf: Really, that's the whole story - if that had a point, it's lost on me.

BTW, Lutrick is the one they were praying for back in March, who was very ill from Covid-19. He was well enough to be preaching again at the end of September. Sounds like a church full of people.:

https://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=101201844213

:bangheaddesk:

Back to Gary:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+5%3A21&version=KJV

We just need to believe God was not a sinner.

Jesus spent 33 and a half years preachin' the Gospel and spreadin' Jesus and disciplin' the disciples.

Nice to know that Jesus was spreading Jesus and disciplin' the disciples.

Some say He slept with Mary, but Gary knows He never sinned.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+8%3A44&version=KJV

The devil is a liar. After doing his usual routine about how the devil will tempt you to booze and other women, and then you puke over the toilet, Gary says "Amana tell ya somehin'  - when ah wake up in the mornin', ah'm gonna wake up with the same woman AMEN and if she dies, bless God, ah'm gonna kick her out of the bed AMEN. Ah'm gonna be able to say ah had a good tahm without hangin' across the commode."

Poetry, Gary - sheer poetry.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A51-59&version=KJV

A big chunk of what he says for verse 52 is different from the KJV, and he can't get his corruptibles and incorruptions straight.

Whatever you die of, Covid's gonna be on your birth certificate - your birth certificate. He doesn't care what's on his birth certifcate.

Yes, he says birth instead of death three times, and never notices his error.

Gary feels backslid if he doesn't go to church every day.

People say "'Oh, but Brother Hawkins, we can have church at home.' Well you could, but you could - you also could drink at home. Amen! DON'T GO TO THE BARS, JUST DO IT AT HOME!"

Then he makes sure they know he's not promotin' liquor.

Sorry, folks. Gary says no liquor.

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thoughtful
11 hours ago, Xan said:

Becky posted  a passage from a book written by C.S. Lewis (published in 1942) about people being afraid to go out in public because they'd get sick.  Apparently, that's how the devil gets his claws into you -- through fear.  Surprise, surprise -- Lewis didn't write that or anything like it.  It took all of 30 seconds to debunk the whole post.

Honestly, the Trump minions will literally believe anything.

Yep - here's a fact check on it:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2020/06/30/fact-check-1942-c-s-lewis-so-many-souls-quote-fake/3284214001/

But Becky got heartfelt comments:

image.png.38db763d506fc2383cc8ff824b868529.png

 

No, dipshits - what's sad is the people who won't protect others by being careful.

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15 hours ago, Xan said:

Becky posted  a passage from a book written by C.S. Lewis (published in 1942) about people being afraid to go out in public because they'd get sick.  Apparently, that's how the devil gets his claws into you -- through fear.  Surprise, surprise -- Lewis didn't write that or anything like it.  It took all of 30 seconds to debunk the whole post.

Honestly, the Trump minions will literally believe anything.

I am starting to think that requiring a basic civics class as a prerequisite to vote might not be a bad idea.

Also CS Lewis was not an idiot, Becky. He lived through two world wars and the 1918 pandemic - and he thought a lot more deeply about his faith and how to live it than either you or your idiot husband.

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AuntKrazy

Why I read @thoughtful's recaps:  Reading it with first cup of coffee this a.m  my imaging of this: Bro Gary is losin' the weights, but dreaming of  God's Lasagna (what I decided he meant by "Big Lagenda", and has given Jesus an Oedipal relationship with his mom, and salivating over bananas. . . (well pudding anyway). 

I'll see myself to the prayer closet now.

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forgetmenow
21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Amana tell ya somehin'  - when ah wake up in the mornin', ah'm gonna wake up with the same woman AMEN and if she dies, bless God, ah'm gonna kick her out of the bed AMEN. Ah'm gonna be able to say ah had a good tahm without hangin' across the commode."

Well, there's some A1. first-class wedding vows, right there.  And the toilet part stays.

Quote

We have better tools than Noah had, but, in Noah's time, they built things with the help of Christ.

Becky, Gary's having continuity issues again!

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thoughtful
15 hours ago, AuntKrazy said:

and has given Jesus an Oedipal relationship with his mom

See, that's why all of those books pretending to be bibles have to specify "the virgin Mary" every time she's mentioned, so people don't mistake her for that other Mary!

4 hours ago, forgetmenow said:
Quote

We have better tools than Noah had, but, in Noah's time, they built things with the help of Christ.

Becky, Gary's having continuity issues again!

I think that comes from the whole "God and Jesus are one" thing. These guys seem to attribute everything in history to God and Jesus interchangeably, whether it is something that preceded the birth of Jesus, dictating the KJV, or finding them a good price on diesel for the Ford. And every now and then they throw in the Holy Spirit. If there's a logic to it, it escapes me.

Gary has even said Jesus sent his only begotten son, but that might have just been one of his verbal errors, not part of an actual belief.

Monday evening revival at Charity Baptist - Gary tried a new scripture and letting the events of the day inspire him, and the results were very bizarre, even by the usual standards. Fasten your seat belts.

The video starts with someone other than Gary telling a graphic medical story. The pastor asks for a particular song, but Becky doesn't know how to play it, so Gary says "Do At Cavalry." So that's what they sing.

Gary is asked to say the prayer. Pastor asks prayers for lots of people - he says "please continue to remember to pray for," or something equally long, before each one, so it takes a long time to go through the list. A congregant gives a gruesome description of an accident (I think it was just one he saw, not anyone they know).

The Hawkinses sing The Great Judgment Morning. Gary comes to the lectern, as the pastor reminds them all that Judgment day will be a sad day, when many people will look back and wish they had done better, and that the only way to heaven is Jesus Christ.

Who knew? Stuff you've heard many times is under the spoiler.

Spoiler

Gary tells about the time in Maine when he replaced the guy with a migraine, and had no inspiration until right before he preached. He recommends Estus Pirkle's If the Footman Tarry (if you can handle it) - he predicted what's happening now. Noah, God saying "it has repented me" that he created the Earth (and if God was mad then, he's much angrier now). Sodom and Gamar, and Lot losing his whole family.  J. Howard Smith, God's Three Deadlines, and the girl who died in a car accident after refusing to get saved - Gary imitates her screaming as she burns to death.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

(last word mis-read as "reptobate," of course). There's no such thing as a sinner's prayer. Salvation is between each person and God. July 11, 1999 - God threatened to never deal with Gary's heart again if he didn't get saved that day. Gary knows God, he's studied God. It's appointed once to man to dah. Nobody knows when God is coming, not even Jesus. Somewhere in your town, there's a funeral home with a casket waiting for you ( he adds a story about "one of them funeral people" following him around after a family funeral, until Gary told him to leave him alone). The rich man didn't prepare. Fake news - you better stop gittin' prepared for CNN, and git prepared for God. He doesn't know how much longer he has/we have on this earth. He's told his children he won't deliver their eulogy if they don't live right. Ah'm not braggin' on that, ah'm not boastin' on that. He tells the story of his daughter who was born with a hole in her heart (haven't heard that on in a long time). People are building themselves Godssssss. Everything is important but church. It's OK to miss church for a mahgraine headache - Gary's never had one, he don't want one, he can't afford one. People are going to come to his funeral to make sure he's dead. He'd rather people be mad at him on this side, but get to heaven. The man who wouldn't give up his one beer to be saved. Ah don't give a flip. Gary's not allowed to come back to some churches because he's too mean. He actually quotes his bumper sticker correctly, and says "due to the fire, the party in Hell has been cancelled.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+40%3A3&version=KJV

Gary's never been to NYC, and he never wants to go. Gary knows that it's God's will for him to stay on the road, and never take a church (he claims he's had offers).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+king+20%3A1&version=KJV

Wives can poison husbands, because all death certificates say Covid now (at least he said "death," not "birth" this time). There's more numbers than there are vahrisis. The pastor's wife  in Texas, who said God has money, so she could treat Gary to more expensive gas. There's nothin' good on television. Good preachin' if ah am doin' it. It is appointed once to dah. His cousin who came in from the tobacco fields, sat down to make a grocery list, and died. A year later, her son overdosed, fell back out of a window, and died. Then his sister died of an overdose. Four years later he died (who? who knows? I think it was another brother). He'd be disappointed if the pasture told him someone passed away and they didn't know if they were saved. Dying, death, people are dying, people will die next week (nothing to do with Covid, of course, just because it was their time), die, die, die.

Gary says that God didn't give him anything for today. Then he got a phone call - his mama's in the hospital for an infection around the area "where they're tryin' to get her to have dialysis at home." Then his BIL called, and after a detour to tell them how he doesn't always understand his BIL, because he's from Iowa "but we won't go there," he finally tells them that the BIL called to tell him that "mah nephew had flipped his truck three tahms."

They wanted Gary's help with something about towing the truck - he doesn't make it clear. He doesn't say how his nephew is.

But, after those calls, Gary got to thinkin', and the Lord put this on his heart. He doesn't say what, yet, he just warns them that he's not tryin' to be mean, and they need to stay there and stay seated and be very attentive, and they may get something from God. He tells them he's going to read from a minor prophet, because the minor prophets knew all about the days we are living in.

I like a nice dorian or phrygian prophet, myself, but minor will do - melodic, harmonic or natural, Gary? /music geekery

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Amos+4&version=KJV

KJV: he will take you away with hooks, and your posterity with fishhooks.
BGV: he will take you away with hooks, and your prosperity with fishhooks.

KJV: And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities
BGV: And I also have given you the clearance - the cleanness of teeth in all your cities

KJV: So two or three cities wandered unto one city, to drink water; but they were not satisfied:
BGV: So two of the three cities wondered into one city, and to drink water; but they were not sacrificed:

KJV: the palmerworm devoured them, yet
BGV: the palm trees devoured them yet -  the palmerworms devoured them, yet

KJV: I have sent among you the pestilence
BGV: I have sent among you the pelistence

KJV: I have overthrown some of you, as God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and ye were as a firebrand plucked out of the burning: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord. Therefore thus will I do unto thee, O Israel: and because I will do this unto thee, prepare to meet thy God, O Israel.
BGV: I have overturned some of you, as God other - God overthrew Sodom and Gamar, and yet were as fahhrbrands plucked out of the burning: yet ye not yet saith the Lord. Unto thee I owe Isril: becowse ah will do unto this unto thee, prepare  . . . to meet . . .  thy God . . . O Isril.

KJV: For, lo, he that formeth the mountains, and createth the wind, and declareth unto man what is his thought, that maketh the morning darkness, and treadeth upon the high places of the earth, The Lord, The God of hosts, is his name.
BGV: For, lo, he hath formed the mountains, and created the weeund, and declared - declared unto man what is this though, that maketh the morning dark, and treads upon the hah places of the earth, The Lord, The God of the host, is his name.

Gary reminds us of his phone calls and the accident the other man described, and we know we are living in the last days. "We go to readin' these minor prophets, thangs that they preached on - ah go to thinking about some the old tahm preachers that are gone on to heaven today, and they preached on the thangs that are goin' on, what's goin' on, amen?"

No, Gary - no, they actually didn't. Neither the minor prophets nor the old time preachers. Sorry.

He never does the "gonna preach on, just for a few minutes" and a title, but his theme seems to be Preparrre to Meeeet Thy Gowwd.

After some yelled sentence fragments about people who are not prepared to meet God, and his usual complaints about both the saved and the unsaved, Gary suddenly veers back into the story of his nephew's accident.

I swear to you, this is word-for-word (well, sound-for-sound). I broke it up into paragraphs just to make it somewhat easier to read, but this was the stream of Gary's consciousness. He was in the middle of yelling about how people are not prepared to meet God, then:

"You know what you - ha,  ah thank God, when ah looked at the truck, ah mean, ah was described of the truck, but ah drove bah the truck, ah was asked to do a few things to see 'cause we got to get that thing moved from where it's at, 'n' everything, and uh, and uh all this, and ah looked at that truck and ah looked at the picture that ah was sent of mah nephew, and ah said - now, here's what the police officer told mah brother; mah - the police officer told mah brother 'n' you know, you don't know mah sister, but ah know what we been natural, if you a real mom, AMEN? Sad thing, there's a few moms that ain't real AMEN. Ya say how do you know? Well, ah been around a few dayssss."

"But mah sister was all tore up, and when she found out about it, mah son there Jacob told me she - mah sister's real particular with the yard and hey, nothin' wrong with that AMEN - but she's drahvin' through the yard mah son's sayin' 'Ah don't unnerstand that!' Well we figured out real quick-lahk hey listen when it comes to yard and it comes to children, to her, her children's more important amen!"

"Then ah seen that truck, and ah seen the picture of mah nephew and ah said 'it's only bah the grace of God.' And the police officer told mah brother, she said, he said ah'm not gonna tell your sister this because she's already tore up enough, and  they we understand the world's used the term of luh - hey, it wasn't luck, it was God had His hand of protection around him, had the angels on one sahd the truck and on the other sahd, and he came, after flippin' that thang three tahms, and it's a F150, pretty decent-size truck,  and, uh the the roof is under - raht close to bein' underneath the stirrin' wheel. And then ah seen how the front of the glass on that truck was just shssscattered all over."

Gary's nephew's only injury was a gash above his eye (Gary points to his forehead).

Spoiler

image.png.9c8c5a07f144dcc257e3fbdad1236ccb.png

Gary, showing us how the angels surrounded the truck, while hoarse pastor looks on.

Gary says "not every person's ever done him somethin' lahk that's ever been lucky enough" - oops! He corrects himself and reminds them that it was God's grace, not luck.

During a long and mostly-familiar screamfest about how we will all be judged, Gary makes a high-pitched sound I didn't think was humanly possible, when shrieking that we will stand before "AN ALMIGHTY AND HOLY RIGHTEOUS NNGOWD!" It's at 36:45, if you want to hear it.

"Jesus Christ won't get to the age where He'll have altimers." Unlike his mother, who, he says, can never remember where she put the Christmas decorations.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+7%3A3&version=KJV

KJV: put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you
BGV: put away the strange gods and the what's that word Becky?
Becky: Ashtorah
Gary: Yeah, that works, amen, from among you

Sometimes Becky tells Gary medical stuff and he says "Shut up, ah don't wanna hear no more. It's sickening, some of the thangs that happen in these places. A patient takin' their clothes off is about as much as ah can handle, amen."

Gary is going on vacation soon, for the first time in years (because Becky doesn't usually let him, he says). Gary, your whole life is a vacation, feeding your addiction to preaching.

He screams the following, with big arm circles and lots of dancing around: "Amana tell ya what ah'm gonna do. Because Sunday's gonna start the vacation, ah'm gonna start off in Knoxville Tennessee, prob'ly be preachin' that Sunday mornin', that Sunday naht ah don't have nothin', but ah'll promise you ah'm on vacation ah would be away from everybody, ah can, hey listen, won't no preacher really know where ah'm at, y'all will be forgot in two weeks whether ah was  even here or not, 'n' all o' those different kindsa things, and ah could set at that house, ah could go down to Dollywood, and ah could do these other things, but ah may hey listen hey ah'm not worried about Brother Bowman, ah'm not worried about mah pasture" (suddenly quiet) "Ah'm worried about an almighty God. Becowse mah heart needs to be raht."

That's a whole of shit just to tell us you are planning to go to church the first evening of your vacation, Gary. It's not like it's a big surprise.

Gary reminds us that he has a lot of enemies. "Mah wahf called somebody the other day, a family  member ah'm not gonna say who it was, evidently they was talk - they was findin' out about the children, how children was doin' blahblahblah all this kinda thing, 'n' she looked at me and ah said tell 'em ah'm DEAHHHHHD!"

"As far as ah kin remember and rekakulate, all seven of mah children have been dedicated to the Lord."

Caleb is about to turn 19 - Gary asks them to pray he can be out of town so he doesn't have to go to the birthday party. Caleb had a job, but, on his second day, everybody got sent home  and told to go get tested, because someone had gotten Covid.

I wonder if Caleb got tested, and if he is isolating himself from others.

Well, OK, I don't wonder.

Gary don't wear the mask. He was somewhere with his family, and they were the only ones "without the control thing on our mouth. You kin say whatever you want to - it's a control thing, and they gonna control you." If they put people in jail for not wearing a mask, Gary will go to jail.

He tells some convoluted story about not trusting his mother's scale, because it said he was light as a grasshopper one time, then heavier than he knows he is (sure, Jan). So he went into a health food store and asked about using their fancy scale, and they aren't supposed to use it because of Covid, and they're not willing to fight for it, like our forefathers lost their lives for the Constitution. And he's having Thanksgiving with more than 20 people, no matter what Cooper says.

Or something.

Poeple are not really scared of the vahrus, they're "scared of CNN, because CNN has SUCKED 'EM IN!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+3%3A12-13&version=KJV

Gary goes back and forth between whether this is 1 or 2 Corinthians.

"You see what's goin' on in America? It's called judgement. We've killed how many - aborted how many babies? And we got people in the White House that think it's OK to kill babies. And one tahm, when Obama was in office, one tahm, they was workin' on something to kill people that was way on up in age, that was no good for nothin', amen, accordin' to them, killin' 'em so we could git rid of people."

:pink-shock:

Citation needed, you deluded piece of shit.

Edited by thoughtful
riffle, of course
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      So now....do eat a late salad and be cranky before bed because I want dinner and it's too late to eat or....do I tough out the afternoon cranky at my desk and eat dinner?  
      The dilemma is real.  
      · 3 replies
    • feministxtian

      feministxtian

      2nd Pfizer tomorrow!
      · 10 replies
    • Workingmom

      Workingmom

      So excited, happy. Finally I got my vaccination appointment. The first on the 26th of May , the second on my birthday.  Staying at home is no option, because I work in healthcare, with very close patientcontact. (I make mammograms). Hopefully I can relax a bit more after my vaccination and let the anxiety go.
      · 1 reply
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