Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, Xan said:

This is the funniest thing I'm going to read today.  Actually, I might come back and re-read it a few more times.  It's just that good.

Thank you so much. It makes me happy to know whenever I've made someone laugh.

And, unlike Gary, I know that the word "whenever" does not mean "when."

Whether Charles Eric Rice was actually in Facebook jail, or just observing the fast, he's back to posting, many times already today. Nothing funny or ire-raising, though.

So I shall listen to the revival service from 1/13. They are droning and mumbling through The Old Rugged Cross when the video starts, with children running around and rolling on furniture.

I actually like how casual this church is about kids being kids - I just wish it didn't come with a huge dose of crazy indoctrination and frightening imagery, and I hope (but doubt) that it means the percentage of child-whippers is small. Gary said, in the previous night's message, that he didn't mind all of those kids running around, it's adults who don't pay attention that bother him. I think he was lying in the first half of that sentence.

Some kids straggle through I Am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N. The Hawkinses sing, with another woman singing, and a man at the piano (also named Gary) who has some pretty good gospel piano skills. Their diction is so bad that it took a long time to figure out it was a song called Mansion Over the Hilltop.

Ooh, Gary - Elvis recorded this one. Tsk, tsk.

Spoiler

 

The Hawksinses sit down. The man at the piano tells us the date he was saved, and talks about his life and hardships, then he plays while he and the woman (who I think is his wife) sings I Can Go to the Master. Then the man sings and plays He's All I Need.

As he leaves the piano, and Becky comes up to get something, he reaches out his hand to shake hers, which would be a nice gesture from an experienced musician to a beginner, if it weren't for, y'know, that pesky pandemic thing.

Gary tells us that the Lord asked him to do something tonight. Then he said nobody asked him to do this (um, Gary, you should have said no people asked you - you just called God a nobody).

I'm braced for something awful, but he just wants to take up a collection for the other Gary. Lots of yells of "amen," including the other Gary, who says it with a certain "well, OK, if you insist" tone of voice, that gets a laugh.

Gary tells them to make sure to get a handshake from him after church, and make sure there's something in their hand. Why not just send the kids out now, like the previous night? Gary is so weird.

Gary says he's going to give, too, but his wife "will have three heart attacks." Then he sends Jacob for his bottle of water. Becky stops him, because, of course, she has water with her already, and she takes it up to Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A12-25&version=KJV

KJV: After this he went down to Capernaum
Bro Gary Version: And after this he went down into the Capri - went down to Capriuh

KJV: make not my Father's house an house of merchandise.
BGV: make not thy - my House's house of merchandise.

Spoiler

Many other errors, of course, including every "est" becoming "eth."

This is Gary's Why Church Isn't Fun Any Longer message, which we've heard many times, so I will just record unique moments.

While claiming that he doesn't look at anyone's face while preaching, because it would make him preach for hours, Gary says: "Ya say wha? Because, uh faces don't express me, amen. Ah know when people's mad ya say how do ya know? Ah git feedback. Anybody know what feedback is? Ya ever mess with CDs 'n' some that stuff? Ah git feedback whenever ah know somebody's not  - hey, listen, you don't have to smile, that's OK, that's fine, ah mean listen, ah preached last naht ohn wha not just be happy. We got a buncha sad Christi - people, uh let me just rephrase this, hey listen there's a lot of saved people in this world, there's very ma- very few Christians HAYMUN!"

I don't think even a rabbit could have followed that rabbit trail, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A1-4&version=KJV

While screaming about handing out fliers, Gary says someone turned one down that Jacob offered  by saying "I'm good." Sounds to me like someone being polite and not wanting to hurt a kid, but, of course, Gary seizes on this idiom to say that, if it had been him, he would have told the man the Bible says "there's none good."

In his rant about not wearing "the mask" (he's not telling you not to wear one, but don't you tell him he has to!), I think Gary tells us that he didn't keep the doctor appointment he made for his life insurance screening. He said: "Ah was s'pposed to go in there in the doctor's office today and ah thank God put that right down  right soon as ah wen' ah couldn't find the place, so ah said you know what, ah do know where the church is. So ah come back. Mah wahf didn't say nothin' to me - ah figured she'd say somethin' to me. She prob'ly just said 'Well ah have no need sayin', he ain't gonna listen anyway' amen."

He assures us that he doesn't have "the high-dollar class education that you kin git, but ah know what the mask kin do to ya." He screams about how Brother Holcombe, from the last church he was at, and someone else who visits  people who are ill, go in "fully loaded" with protective clothing, "and both of 'em got it." After some shrugging and pacing, he roars "With masks ohn! And Mohr!"

Then he screams about loving one another, for a long time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-21&version=KJV

KJV: And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess
BGV: And be not drunk with wine, wherein is exsees

Gary says he was reading Deuteronomy, and asking Becky what words mean so he didn't have to look them up. Gary, you can't even look up words yourself? Becky has to set aside catering to your every whim and educating your child to do it for you?

He says they were having some wicked times in the Bible, so I can only imagine what words she had to explain to him.

He tells them about Brother Holcombe, who is a"what kinda Indian is he?"
Becky: "Cherokee."
Gary: "A Cherokee Indian," singing Amazing Grace in "Cherokee language."

"There's songs that they made come out of the Bahble. Mattera fact, you read over there 'bout Moses, whenever he come out of the - of Egypt, guess what? He started singin' to the Lord Jesus Chrahst. Amen?"

No, not amen, Gary. I don't even have to check Exodus.

Gary mocks the new music, and shows us how "you gotta boogie-woogie" to it:

Spoiler

OK, I know that's not new, but I just can't resist recording this week's version of the Gary boogie-woogie for posterity.

"Like havin' a turkey havin' a seizure."

So, are we giving birth to a turkey having a seizure? Eating a turkey having a seizure? Are we having the seizure or is the turkey having the seizure? Does the people-eater have one eye and one horn, or does it eat people who have one eye and one horn?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+2%3A4-5&version=KJV

Gary jokes about making Brother Toby (the pastor at this church) holler and dance around like he does. Then goes right on to say that he does it because that's the way God made him, and he won't change, because he's "not for sale."

He talks about the video he made for his "secret admirer," so we hear some Trump love - he says he gave her (he seems to have decided the caller is female, for the moment) "six or seven things." If he keeps telling this story, it will be a dozen things in no time, and the timing of it will drift into the realm of "the other day," until it becomes "last year? the year before? Becky?" then "decades ago."

Gary says we need "Holy Ghost sin preaching." He claims he is going to start naming the sin as well as the sinner, like the old-time preachers did. We've heard that one before, Gary - I'll believe it when I see it. On second thought, keeping making that empty threat, because I assume you will only call out helpless people with no money, food or accommodations for you, like teenagers.

We find out that his daughter is pregnant, that he still only eats one meal a day, and that he's lost 65 pounds.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+29%3A18&version=KJV

As Gary is trying to preach about lost vision, he loses some of his control of the church, as people start calling out about those who don't come to church any more. And he makes the I Love Lucy joke.

Gary announces "Revelations," turns to the wrong page and starts reading Peter, and, while he's mumbling about that, one of the kids calls out the beginning of the verse he's supposed to be reading.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A12-13&version=KJV

He stumbles through it tortuously, and goes right into Foxe's Book of Martyrs (he needs Becky to remind him of the title, twice) and how the Democrats are going to take church and Bibles away an TV is killing people. Gary knows more people "who have died for the cause of Christ than of Covid."

Citation needed, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-16&version=KJV

As Gary passionately talks about judgment day, his Donald Trump phone ring screams at us.

"How many turned to God on the day when Noah built that Ark? Does anybody know the question to that answer ah'm  gonna give ya th'answer: Noah, his wahf, his three boys, and their wahves. That's eight people." Screaming: "EIGHT PEOPLE!"

"Keep knockin' on doors, keep pesterin', keep passin' out fliers, keep talkin' to 'em 'bout church."

He says they are needed there in Turley, almost says West Virginia, then corrects himself to say Oklahoma. He points to the picture behind him (or maybe he just means in the direction beyond that wall), and asks the name of that place:

Spoiler

He is told "Sperry,"  says "Asparagus," and there is laughter. He yells "Get some names I can say, bless Gawd!"

In a final snip at TV, Gary says even cartoons aren't OK any more. He wouldn't let his dog watch them, for fear "the demons up there would get a holt of mah dawg."

And he makes it clear that he expects that to prove that he cares about his dog.

He ends with the demon-possessed man who came to his senses and put his clothes on - it's in the Bible.

Church should be fun, y'all.

Edited January 16, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

The video from 1/14 starts with random chit-chat. Becky goes up and turns on the pastor's microphone.

The pastor has them sing a song that is 1 John 4:7 (sort of) to the tune of Put Your Hand in the Hand (sort of). I think he got it here. They sing Lily of the Valley and What a Friend We Have in Jesus. All sing I'll Fly Away as the collection is taken for the Hawkins family.

The Hawkinses drone The Great Judgment Morning, and There's a Record Book. 

Gary makes his final-night thank-yous and talks about his trip the next day, his next gig and the drive after that. He warns us that he's preaching without notes tonight.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A22-24&version=KJV

Nothing new - death, dead, dying.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

Reptobate.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A11-15&version=KJV

Nothing new, but he tells the story of the girl who burned to death in a car accident right after telling J. Harold Smith to leave her alone with even more gruesome screeching than he has in the past. I'm sure all of the little children in the church just loved that.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+7%3A17-23&version=KJV

KJV: Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
BGV: Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the lake of fahhr.

Habit, Gary?

He gets pissy about people who watched the videos but didn't come to church, or ignored the fliers.

He says very little between the next few readings, and never gives them the verse numbers for some:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+3%3A23&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+6%3A23&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+2%3A8-9&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A26-31&version=KJV

Gary tells them he asked about hanging a flyer in a restaurant in Sperry (he can say Sperry tonight, and seems to be blaming whoever said it to him last night for calling it Asparagus). There follows a story in which several "guys" ask him about the revival, shouting, and Gary answers them in a quiet, polite tone (reminds me of one of Trump's "sir" stories). One of them, Gary tells us, says he knows where the church is, because it's next to "the dope store."

Well, he's right:

Spoiler

https://weedmaps.com/dispensaries/918-buds

 

Gary actually makes light of this, and says it's convenient for finding the church.

Gary says he went to various nearby places to try to hand out fliers, and it was dead, like a ghost town. So, have you heard about this pandemic thing, Gary, and what sensible people are doing to stay safe?

He talks about a preacher he knows who used to be a drunk and a dope addict. "He should  . . . be . . . dead  . . . but the bullet hit a little girl, and took her out."

Another great image for the children. I wonder if any of them slept that night.

He talks about another preacher: "he was in a biker. They say when you get in those bikers - get in those groups - it's hard to get out."

Glad you cleared that one up before finishing the sentence, Gary.  

[thoughtful]

Stop telling God to bless America! And the brain trust weighs in.

Spoiler

 

Gary, what have you got against Kate Smith and Irving Berlin?

Spoiler

 

 

[Ozlsn]

Selah? Musical interlude?

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Moses, whenever he come out of the - of Egypt, guess what? He started singin' to the Lord Jesus Chrahst. Amen?"

No, not amen, Gary. I don't even have to check Exodus.

He really uses the trinity the most interchangeably of anyone I have ever seen. Moses sang to the Holy Spirit, right?

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

We find out that his daughter is pregnant

Sigh. Not unexpected, but still. I hope she has a medically uneventful pregnancy and delivery, and a lot of support.

[clese]

Honestly I CRY reading these pages'

Gary blocked me a while back but I just picture exactly how he speaks here.

My husband just looks at me as I snort and cry and lol.!!

[EyesOpen]

I vote for ‘bro Gary: citatween needed’ for a thread title!

[thoughtful]

Gary didn't even have to wait a day for another gig - he preached Friday evening, 1/15, at Grace Baptist Church in Clinton OK.

Everyone sings Power in the Blood, Pastor Walker prays while Gary moans orgasmically, then all sing Lily of the Valley, offering is taken to a piano solo of Victory in Jesus, then they sing it.

The Hawkinses sing Through it All, then Gary comes up to introduce himself and ramble about his burden for America, and how he knows some missionaries who go to dangerous places where they could be killed for passing out tracts. He says one of them "is even outside the doors of one of these countries," whatever that means. 

He claims he's been helping to find pastors for churches, and says "it seems that people don't want to go up North," which gets a chuckle.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+17%3A34-45&version=KJV

KJV: there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:
Bro Gary Version: there came a lion, and a bear, and I took a lamb out of the flock:

KJV: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard
BGV: And I went after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose again, I caught him by his beard

KJV: he hath defied the armies of the living God.
BGV: he hath defiled the army and of the living God.

KJV: I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.
BGV: I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the army of Isrl, whom thou hast defiled.

Really, Gary, Goliath was fighting the army, not having sex with it, or writing grafitti on it. Also, he was a Philistine, not a FLISteen. You said it correctly once today, so why not all of the other times?

Also, Gary, David was ruddy, not Rudy. Maybe because it's the story of a little guy overcoming the odds, Gary is thinking of this:

Spoiler

 

With his lack of ability to keep things in chronology, he might just think the story of David and Goliath is based on a 1993 movie!

Gary says he bought his son a slingshot, it never got used, and "ah'm gonna quit spendin mah money on mah chil'ren if they gonna waste my money, amen."

I am not a violent person, but I don't think I would have objected if five smooth stones came sailing out of the congregation towards Gary, at that moment.

"With the help of the Lord, for just a little bit, ah'm gonna preach ohhn We All Need Jesus."

Well, of course - that's why you read the story of David and Goliath.

"If we don't git in touch with Jesusssssssssssss . . . it's all gon' be over with."

Gary, I thought you wanted it all to be over with.

After some screaming about how the political situation in the US is the fault of Christians who worshiped Trump instead of God, Gary complains about his drive to get to this church, in high winds. He told Becky, "Ah gotta fight you, ah gotta fight mah children, now ah gotta fight mah sternum wheel. She said 'Give it to the Lord,' ah said 'You want me to let go of it?'"

Sternum wheel - another classic Garyism for the ages.

Gary tells them they should put on the whole armor of God, then, "Ah mean, hey, we got these different people that are in whatever rank of Army they're in, or the Navy and different things, hey! They better be prepared, ya say wha? 'Cause there's fixin' to be bihhg BOOM! up in Washington D.C. amen." Quieter: "That be a good idea, might just blow the White House up, amen." 

I'm happy to say this gets no response.

Spoiler

Big BOOM, from the big boor.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A25-28&version=KJV

KJV: And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.
BGV: And the keepers of the prisons awaken out of his sleep, and seen the prisoners' door open, and drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, that the prisoners had been feld.

Talking about prison, Gary lets slip a teeny bit more information than he has in the past (bolded to make sure it stands out in the usual syllable cole slaw): "Ah mean, here it is, you think about it, ahah don't know if any of ya's ever, ah'm not tryin' to bring up bad memories, ah almost went, thank God it's under the blood, and God intervened. Butamana tell ya raht now, prison isn't a place that ah'd wanna be hangin' out in amen?"

He is phenomenally loud screeching the lyrics of Amazing Grace, and decrying boogie-woogie, smokestacks and 7-11 songs (that would be this, not this) of modern churches. He ends up short of breath. I wonder if he scared himself by  coming that close to admitting he almost went to prison.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+5%3A13-15&version=KJV

The, as Gary calls him "maniac" who had his demons cast out and put his clothes on.

KJV: And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea.
BGV: For with Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirit went out, and entered into the swahns: and the Lord remained violently down a steep place into the seas, (they - they were about two thousand;) and they were choked in the seas.

KJV: And they come to Jesus, and see him that was possessed with the devil, and had the legion, sitting, and clothed, and in his right mind: and they were afraid.
BGV: And they came to Jesus, and see him that was possessed with the devil, and the leopard, sin - sitting, and clothed, and in his right mahhhd: and they were afraid.

Can I even express how fitting it seems to me, that this may be the only time I've heard Gary say "came" instead of "come" for the past tense, and it's still wrong. And when did the guy get Hanson's Disease, Gary (Gary generally says "leopard" for "leper")? I think you mixed up some stories.

He screams for a long time about Bible-believin' Baptist churches going too far left.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+4%3A10-12&version=KJV

KJV: And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.
BGV: And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither here four two, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, man, me 'n' him'd git along real good, amen? and slow of tongue.

"Ah'm not aginst education, unless education gits too close to ya."

About Greek and Hebrew, Gary says "Ah'm not aginst it, ah just don't know what ya do with it amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

Lots of errors, even in this short familiar verse, followed by stuff you've all heard many times.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+7%3A58-60&version=KJV

Death, dying, gruesomeness.

"They say that Black people, when they have a funeral - ah've never bin to one ah've heard people talk about it - they say when they have a funeral they have parties. Mah wahf's gonna have the first white man's party when ah dah amen."

He needs Becky to tell him how to pronounce Foxe's Book of Martyrs again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+6%3A9-10&version=KJV

The video cuts off while Gary is screaming about how everybody needs to come to church.

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Bro Gary Version: there came a lion, and a bear, and I took a lamb out of the flock:

Bro Gary - sheep rustling and Blaming It On The Bears.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

After some screaming about how the political situation in the US is the fault of Christians who worshiped Trump instead of God

I am kind of... he's so close there, and several neurons short of the next step. Also I agree with Gary on something? It's End of Days, seriously.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

They better be prepared, ya say wha? 'Cause there's fixin' to be bihhg BOOM! up in Washington D.C. amen." Quieter: "That be a good idea, might just blow the White House up, amen." 

And we're back to normal transmission. It's the fault of Trump-worshipping Christians who apparently voted in Biden to sustain Gary's violent fantasies. Got it.

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

This is the pastor at the church Gary’s at.  I guess he’s really afraid of wimmens hitting on him.  His profile picture suggests this is never going to happen but you can’t be too careful of these Church Jezebels.  What a wanker.

Spoiler

Spoiler

He’s just like Mother Pence.

[Ozlsn]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

possessed with the devil, and the leopard,

Great album title.

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

They say that Black people, when they have a funeral - ah've never bin to one ah've heard people talk about it - they say when they have a funeral they have parties. Mah wahf's gonna have the first white man's party when ah dah amen."

He has not met many... well, cultures plural that have wakes then? What do KJV only Baptists do at funerals and after then?

[Alisamer]

On 1/16/2021 at 12:15 AM, thoughtful said:

When Gary gets into his rant about how "they" are going to close the churches, he says they'd better "memorize up" all the Bible they can, because they are going to take your Bible away.

 

Walmarts now has robots cleaning the floors. "That's what's comin' for America."

Ooooh, scary. ?

 

Yes, Gary. The president who goes to church every Sunday is going to take your Bible away, while the one who couldn't quote a verse if you held a gun to his head is the paragon of Christianity. Yep.

Robots are coming for America? I'm down with that. Are they robots in disguise? 

On 1/16/2021 at 4:44 PM, thoughtful said:

He assures us that he doesn't have "the high-dollar class education that you kin git, but ah know what the mask kin do to ya." ...

Then he screams about loving one another, for a long time.

I rarely watch my church's services, but I happened to catch yesterdays and wow am I glad I did. Here's the video. I can't actually watch it again at this moment, but I think 20:06 is the beginning of a prayer that I'd like Gary to hear, along with the sermon. (I've never had a prayer before make me say "DAMN!" but she was pulling no punches with this one. For context the woman giving the prayer grew up in the church, is a lawyer, and her mother is a deacon!)

I believe there are also several places where the pastor emphasized that part of loving one another is protecting others in any way we can... including wearing masks. You'll notice that everyone is socially distanced, they wear masks unless they're at the pulpit, there are women behind the pulpit on multiple occasions, and it's announced we are working with a consultant from a different denomination as we look for a new minister of music. (If anyone watches the whole thing, for context our sanctuary burned down about 4 years ago and we are just now able to use it again... the pipe organ has been mostly installed but not voiced yet, the pastor mentions the elevator's just been approved for use - there are some references to the rebuilding process that won't make sense unless you know about the fire.)

We are clearly not Gary's type of Baptist!

3 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

He has not met many... well, cultures plural that have wakes then? What do KJV only Baptists do at funerals and after then?

I can't speak for KJV only Baptists, but generally in my experience the evening before the funeral there's a "receiving friends" (often at the funeral home) where the body is present and there's a receiving line of the family, and everyone mingles and catches up with each other as there are often people from out of town who have come back for the funeral. The funeral is a service, followed by a smaller graveside service (we only did the graveside service for my grandparents, why have two?) and that is often followed by the family having a meal - often either provided by the church or going out to a restaurant. If Baptists are involved, so is food. Before all this happens, as soon as the death is known about, people start bringing food to the family, usually. When my friend's mother died, that's literally the first thing my parents did - they showed up at her house with a deli tray. 

So it's not a "party" as such, but it is people getting together, hanging out, talking and eating.

[thoughtful]

 

16 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Bro Gary - sheep rustling and Blaming It On The Bears.

Spoiler

 

 

15 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

This is the pastor at the church Gary’s at.

I did glance at his FB page, but I missed that gem! Thank you for posting it. I guess he felt the need to update the Modesto Manifesto for the age of the Internet.

The video for 1/16 begins with all singing Revive Us Again, which seems appropriate for people who are expected to keep coming to church every day. Then they sing Send the Light.

The pianist at this church does something I would find annoying as a member of the congregation. She plays an introduction for the hymns, but, instead of letting that set the tempo and help the congregation know when to start singing, she slows down and does an arpeggio or other flourish at the end of the intro, so they are left hanging, just as if there was no introduction. I don't know if it's just her style, or something she adopted because the pastor keeps talking through the introduction.

Pastor NoFemaleFBFriends tells them that the offering is for the Hawkins family, and goes on about how they shouldn't feel pressured to give, it's not about the money, etc. He did this the previous night, as well. Gary slips in a quiet "amen," but I'm not sure if he means it.

When We All Get to Heaven, piano alone for the collection, then they all sing. Before the last verse, he pastor stops them to say it's OK to shout when the lyrics say "shout," because of all the torture Jesus went through, and Gary drowns him out with shouting and screaming. No, during the song, Gary - not when the pastor is speaking.

Becky introduces and sings No One Else. Gary comes up and says that many people have helped them over the years, but nobody's done what Jesus has done.

While rambling on about various things, Gary mentions that the preacher took them out for breakfast, and he "had a good meal, amen, until ah found out that they didn't have gluten-free stuff no more amen."

I suppose it's possible that Gary has an actual diagnosed issue with gluten, or tried going gluten-free and genuinely feels better. But I strongly suspect he has now joined the ranks of those my mother's gastroenterologist calls Glunatics - people who are just on the gluten-free bandwagon because it's trendy.

"Mebby there'll be some of that in Heaven, we'll have to find out all about that, amen."

But Gary, I thought that, in Heaven, you'll be able to eat anything you want and have no health repercussions. I wish you'd decide just how corporeal you think you will be in Heaven.

Gary thanks the pastor for letting him be who he is "some people think they're not pastors, they're dictators, amen?" Gary says a pastor once told him he had to dress a certain way to preach at his church. I can't imagine what he wanted that isn't part of Gary's preaching dress code - a tuxedo? Maybe he objected to the precious cowboy boots.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+2%3A8-20&version=KJV

Not too many errors, but Linus was cuter.

In his tangle of syllables contrasting ancient birth with modern birth, Gary says he's glad his wife went to the hospital. "Ah was only in on one of 'em, and that took keer of it, we quit havin' babies, amen."

He fails to mention that it was not his current wife, of course.

Again, he makes it sound like Jesus stank because he was born in a stable.

"With the help of the Lord, just for a little bit, awana preach ohn Never Was There Anyone Like Jesus.

He tells us that Jesus created this earth. "Ah unnerstand if you have to go to the public school, what they teach you is it was pouffed into existence. Ah'm gonna say, ah've bin to enough of the states, ah've bin to some good sight-seein' things, and it ain't no way the scientists could do as good as the Lord Jesus Christ does amen?"

Gary, the scientists aren't claiming they made the earth, they are theorizing about how it happened.

The Bible says it took six days for Jesus to create the earth. "There's a reason for that - the six days was, you work six days and rest on the seventh AMEN. Is ever'body alraht with that? Anand ever'thing, 'cause ah know God good enough that what He coulda done God coulda just said HEY! Pouf! and it was in existence, and what God pouffed it, it woulda been a whole lot better shape, amen, than what the scientists think they've done."

While going on about the favors people have done him, and how Jesus' favors are so much better (because they keep him out of Hell), Gary mentions that he borrowed some money from his Daddy "the other day" to "get a truck moved" and how he will have to pay it back. "The other day," this being Gary, could mean way back when whatever happened to the truck happened.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+4%3A28-30&version=KJV

He screams for several minutes about how Jesus is coming to help the sinners, including the woman who had had a bunch of husbands and was "shacked up." She had five of them, then one just for "shackin' up tahm."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+9%3A12-15&version=KJV

KJV:  They brought to the Pharisees him that aforetime was blind.
BGV:  They brought to the Pharisees him that afterwards was blind.

KJV: He put clay upon mine eyes, and I washed, and do see.
BGV:  He put clay ohn mine eyes, and I was worshed, and I do see.

Gary talks about when he found out he needed . . . "what did they tell me ah had?"
Becky: "You needed bifocals."
Gary: "Ah needed bahfocals. Ah thought, wow, what kinda disease have ah got now?"

It's called middle age, Gary.

Gary says that if he tries to read his Bible without his glasses, "it's lahk readin' Chahneessssse. Now we maht as well get ready to start reading a lot of Chahnese stuff, amen."

Was that a conspiracy-theory-laden dig at Biden, Gary?

Gary gets on the subject of people who claim to be faith healers, and says that Benny Hinn makes people pass out because he doesn't brush his teeth and his breath smells bad.

With no warning, and no emotion other than his usual bluster, he says "Mah cousin, they must prob'ly buryin' him today, some tahm today, ah'm pretty sure of it, and, uh uh ever'thing, y'know what he'd been fightin' cancer for at least three years, mebby longer'n that, butchu know what, he did not win on this sahd, but he did win on the other sahd. He got into Heaven on Wednesday morning, ah think that's what they said he dahd, when he dahd  listen it be Wednesday mornin' here, in Heaven, whatever day it was, amen, and he had a brother that dahd some years ago 'n' ever'thin', he's reunahted with him, you say wha? 'cause he's at peace, he got his eyes open some years ago. Amen?"

His cousin just died, he's being buried the very day Gary is speaking, and, for Gary, it's all just grist for the mill, another thing to bring up in a message.

He screams about how it was not his plan to get in a vehicle and travel all over the United States preaching - it was God's plan.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+5%3A25-28&version=KJV

"They was practicin' madison in the Bahble days."

After screaming about Jesus being the only healer, Gary tells us, again, that Jesus gave his only begotten son. Oh, and he shed his blood - it wasn't dropped or poured out.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+14%3A13-21&version=KJV

KJV: When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart: and when the people had heard thereof, they followed him on foot out of the cities.
BGV: When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a deSET - desert placcce -  that lets you know they did come out here to Oklahoma amen? Where was ah - ah messed up.
Becky: "Desert place."
Gary: "Huh?"
Becky: "The desert place apart."
Gary: And when Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place, and when the people had heard thereof, they follered him on foot out of the city.

KJV: send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves victuals.
BGV: send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves  - (long pause) whatever that word - what is that word?
Becky and several congregants: "Victuals." Becky giggles.
Gary: "Victuals."

He throws in an "amen" with a tone of voice that says "whatever," and continues, with quite a few more errors.

I wish Gary would memorize that the spelling "victuals" is just a word I'm sure he knows, but would want to spell "vittles." It's not like he doesn't know the whole story is about an abundance of food.

He goes on to do the math of how many people were there if each man was married and had even one child (correctly! I almost fainted!), then says that Jesus was going to feed them with only two fishes and a couple of hush puppies. Gary, calling the loaves hush puppies was cute, but "a couple" means two, and there were five of those. So much for Gary and math.

Gary says that 9/11 was God trying to get people's attention. But very few are awakenin' to God.

"They don't believe anything - listen hey, which am ah, uh uh we got - ah was over yonder, preacher even told me today, he said Brother Hawkins, becau - they got an athe - well, he says he's an atheist -"

Here Gary does his usual crap about there being no such thing as an atheist - I will spare you.

"And he put me - he had a picture of me at the pulpit when ah was preachin' over there, with mah head cut off. Ah prob'ly looked a whole lot better without the head, amen? And ah went in, 'n' somebody - mah wahf woke me up the next morning and showed me what he had done, and ah reported him to Facebook. Well, he blocked me real quick-like, told me, he just told me, told me, called me a few names, and ah just told him I said 'You need Jesus' amen. Well, the preacher told me today that he re-posted that thing on Facebook today, with the same picture, and he said ah'm _____ (sounds like "port" - I think he's saying that the preacher told him "I'm reportin' it," but who knows?)."

Gary, of course, tells us that he hopes that "God'll get aholt of that man's heart," and he gets saved and becomes a witness. I bet that's not the first thing you said about it, Gary.

The usual spew about people hating you just like they hated Jesus follows, and how Gary isn't popular because he stands with The Book.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+2%3A37-39&version=KJV

KJV: For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.
BGV: For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are after - after - ayfarrrrr and even as many. As the Lord. Our. God shall call.

In a long screamfest about Peter and the Day of Pentecost, we find out that Peter was reluctant to preach, but sat down with his little notebook.

Oh, and surprise - Gary did not do well in school. "These things they talk about, gittin' up 'n' recitin' things, 'n' gittin' up and uhuh tellin' stories 'n' things that they listen ah didn't do none that stuff. Ah said 'I'll take an F, hallelujah, Lord to God, gimme an F."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+17%3A20&version=KJV

"God made male and female, Democrats made the rest of them things."

"If we could find some godly mommas and some godly daddies, we could go back to what they did in Bahble days, and let them kick 'em out, amen. Ah'm glad mah momma didn't ______(sounds like hit, but it couldn't be, because he's thrilled that his momma beat him) me in mah lifetahm amen, but ah would like to kick out some of mah children."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+2%3A46&version=KJV

When Jesus' parents found him, he obeyed them and got in the vehicle and went home, so kids will know to obey their parents.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A1-5&version=KJV

Zaccheus was "little of statue," and Jesus is making house calls.

"Timothy told Paul - Paul told Timothy - ya better git ready, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."

I thought that was Bette Davis.

Edited January 18, 2021 by thoughtful
riffles, adding a thought

[Xan]

Oh my, @thoughtful -- Gary's ignorance is staggering.  He doesn't understand why he needs bifocals.  He wants to "kick out" his children.  Democrats "made" anyone other than straight male and female.  Jesus created the earth.  And this man votes.  Not only that, he tells other people for whom they should vote.  That explains a lot about the current mess in this country.

Also, Gary got a free breakfast and then complained that it wasn't gluten-free?  How typically ungrateful of Gary.   I think he's beginning to suffer from the Gwen Shamblin Lara disease.  He's constantly hungry and it makes him bad-tempered and less coherent.  Any day now, I expect him to start talking about just licking a potato chip instead of eating it.

[thoughtful]

The 1/17 Sunday school video begins with the congregation stumbling through A New Name in Glory. Pastor says he remember the day he was saved, and asks if anybody else wants to give their dates. Gary, of course, calls out "JuLAH eleventh of nahnty-nahn."

Two people say they can't remember the exact date, but they know the year and the reason why, and the pastor allows that that's OK. Gee, thanks, dude.

Gary comes up and rambles on for a while, then:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+22%3A1-5&version=KJV

With comments and errors.

Gary talks about how they should have a testimony and be like living Bibles. He warns them, of course, that people will say bad things about the church because otherwise "Jesus would be a liar."

Love that imagined persecution, don't you, Gary?

Gary says he tried, "years ago," to be like another preacher, and that was "steeoopid."

He does his routine about what he wants people to think of him as they walk past his casket. He briefly mentions his dead cousin again, and assumes people said good things at his funeral.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+26%3A1-8&version=KJV

Lots of errors, none funny or meaning-reversing. Gary wants to have a testimony, like Paul.

"People check on me. Somebody sent me a message the other day, said 'Brother Hawkins, ah heard you preached a pretty juicy message the other night.' Ah wanted to aisk him who it was, but ah said it ain't none mah business 'cause ah'd just git mad."

While talking about how wonderful Carl Lackey and Peter Ruckman were. About Ruckman (racist, twice divorced and thrice married) he says "Most people didn't hate him because of the situation he went through in life, it was because he knew that book."

Ruckman was a man with "lots of brains." Gary jokes that he's losing brainssss as he loses weight.

The next reading is Jude 1:22. This is all of it.

KJV: And of some have compassion, making a difference
BGV: And some having compassion, makin' a difference

"Ah want to make a difference in people's lahves. Ah wanna be able to rub off on somebody, amen?"

Oh, Gary - that's right up there with servicing God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+18%3A13-14&version=KJV

He says "exhausted" instead of "exalted" at the end, but corrects it.

Gary wants people to look at him and think "Ah believe he would really like to be humble."

You need to work on that one, Gary.

Hyles and Spurgeon are mentioned.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+timothy+1%3A12&version=KJV

Gary doesn't understand the bible, but he believes it. He also says that if you don't know what you're talking about you should sit down and shut up.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A6-7&version=KJV

He bitches about the woman who objected to his saying he'd throw an animal in the ditch before he'd let it come before God.

Gary says he's not givin' to a animal shelter when there's babies in the hospital that need help.

Well, but you're not doing anything for the babies, either, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8%3A28&version=KJV

Gary says this used to be his life verse, but not any more. And blah blah blah and he winds down.

 

[Black Aliss]

On 1/17/2021 at 7:09 PM, thoughtful said:

After some screaming about how the political situation in the US is the fault of Christians who worshiped Trump instead of God,

wait. what???? I'm [sort of] agreeing with Bro GHaw? But doesn't he also worship Trump?

On 1/17/2021 at 7:09 PM, thoughtful said:

They better be prepared, ya say wha? 'Cause there's fixin' to be bihhg BOOM! up in Washington D.C. amen." Quieter: "That be a good idea, might just blow the White House up, amen."

Good way to get a visit from the Secret Service, Gary.

On 1/17/2021 at 7:09 PM, thoughtful said:

He screams for a long time about Bible-believin' Baptist churches going too far left.

Oooh, someone must have told him VP-elect Harris is a Baptist (and therefore probably not anti-religion).

On 1/17/2021 at 7:09 PM, thoughtful said:

"They say that Black people, when they have a funeral - ah've never bin to one ah've heard people talk about it - they say when they have a funeral they have parties. Mah wahf's gonna have the first white man's party when ah dah amen."

Sorry, Gary. It's been done. I myself have been to several dead white men's parties. But what a way to show your ignorance of POC. Here's a tip for you though: if you ever are invited to one of those dead black guy parties, it's probably best if Becky doesn't bring her special potato salad.

Edited January 19, 2021 by Black Aliss

[thoughtful]

Just now, Black Aliss said:

wait. what???? I'm [sort of] agreeing with Bro GHaw? But doesn't he also worship Trump?

Not exactly. He thinks Trump has been a wonderful president, but has always said the following:

 - he doesn't think Trump is saved, and wishes he'd get saved.

- he knows Trump has flaws as a person - he's pretty much been on the "I'm looking for a president, not a pastor" bandwagon.

- Pelosi/Democrats/Hillary/etc. aren't the problem, Christians who stopped praying because they thought things were great once Trump was in caused God/Jesus to punish them by making the country sinful and liberal.

Since Trump's loss, he has added:

- Pelosi/Democrats/Biden/etc. aren't the problem, Christians who stopped praying because they thought things were great once Trump was in, or Christians who transferred their allegiance from God/Jesus to Trump, caused God/Jesus to punish them by putting Biden and other Democrats in office.

- God is still on the throne, no matter who runs the country.

[griffin]

His latest video is the most hilariously fascinating one he's ever done. He wants us all to get up off our SOAP POPS and do something for Jesus! 

He starts listing all the states that need a bahble believin' church and I swear he sounds just like Bubba from Forrest Gump

[smittykins]

23 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Yes, Gary. The president who goes to church every Sunday is going to take your Bible away, while the one who couldn't quote a verse if you held a gun to his head is the paragon of Christianity. Yep.

But-but Bahden is one of them EBIL CATHOLICS(prays to statues, worships Mary, thinks Jesus is still on the cross), not a Real Christian™️!

Edited January 19, 2021 by smittykins

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Oooh, someone must have told him VP-elect Harris is a Baptist (and therefore probably not anti-religion).

Could be, but Gary and his buddies seem to have a solid, stubborn way of assuming that anyone who is not exactly like them "hates God." I would be willing to bet he still will rant about VP Harris being evil and Godless.

I don't even think he was speaking directly about politics in this rant. It's just that "left" means "bad stuff" or "loose and permissive" - boogie-woogie music, smokestacks, "wrong" doctrine - whatever he doesn't like.

Speaking of Gary and the VP, can you imagine what images go through his head about her? I would imagine he thinks of her as just a nasty brown socialism woman, but it occurred to me that any details anyone told him would just make things worse.

If he heard her father is from Jamaica, would he switch from picturing her childhood breaking windows in storefronts and attending Communist meetings to one of smoking dope and playing the steel drums?

If someone tells him her mother was Indian, does he switch to picturing her on the reservation in braids and buckskin, drinking hooch?

If they then explain they meant Indian from India, does he just short-circuit and explode, like Landru, because he has no images, or picture her in a sari, attending Communist meetings with guys in turbans, while worshiping an elephant?

And if someone got through to him that she was raised by brilliant, educated parents who understand things about the world and help people in ways he never could, would all of his stereotypes based on ethnicity be replaced by his hatred of them fancy educated folks?

And, of course, six years ago she married a Jewish man. So, in Gary's worldview in which women follow their husbands, does that mean he imagines her making chicken soup, pinching pennies, and denying Jesus?

Being such a bigot must be exhausting - how does he choose a stereotype?

[Four is Enough]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

- God is still on the throne, no matter who runs the country.

So! Gary does have an iota of awareness! Whodathunkit?

[Black Aliss]

The thing is, even if Biden is an evil papist and Harris is the wrong kind of Baptist and unequally yoked to a Christ killer (Gary won't, for obvious reasons, suggest she is committing adultery because Emhoff is divorced), Gary cannot reasonably deny that either of them is anti-religion, gonna' take your bibles away, gonna' shut down all the churches. 

It reminds me of the xtian-conservatives in the early 60's who were convinced that JFK had bought up bowling balls and log chains to make rosaries for the 4 presidents on Mount Rushmore. Ooh, maybe that theory is ready for a comeback. Just wait until the RodPod shows up at their favorite bowling alley and There Are. No. Bowling. Balls.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And, of course, six years ago she married a Jewish man. So, in Gary's worldview in which women follow their husbands, does that mean he imagines her making chicken soup, pinching pennies, and denying Jesus?

She didn't change her name so do we know that she really is married? Demand to see that marriage license, Gary! 

And, if Becky can learn to make weens in gravy, surely Kamala can whip up a mean matzoh ball soup. According to her step kids, Harris basically taught their father how to cook.

[Alisamer]

Gary's actually pretty easy to figure out. Anyone who isn't a white KJV only Christian Baptist adult straight male who agrees with him and supports his "ministry" in some way is automatically deserving of discrimination. The white, straight, adult, KJV only Christian, chaste or married women who cook food for him get the patronizing condescension, as do their children as long as they are subservient and obedient. Everyone else is a "reptobate" of one kind or another. 

Oh, and on saying "whenever" instead of "when" - I'll give Gary a pass on that. It's a regionalism, not a Gary-ism. My grandparents all used the word that way, and my parents do sometimes too. There are specific situations where I might find myself doing the same. Like, if someone's asking me when I'll do something they're pestering me about, I'm more likely to say "whenever I get around to it" than "when I get around to it".

[thoughtful]

Sunday morning service, 1/17, at Grace Baptist in Clinton OK starts with prayer (Gary moans once), then all sing Set My Soul Afire.

After announcing the next hymn, the pastor goes off on a minute-long rabbit trail about the previous hymn. The pianist is already playing the introduction, loudly, and I crack up, because she goes into a very show-biz mode, softly repeating a bit of the introduction, waiting for him to shut up and let them sing.

I've seen it in old music, written as "vamp until ready," or "vamp until cue," and it is something musicians need to know how to do when accompanying a vaudeville act, lounge singer, or musical theater performer who might go off on a tangent and improvise more than the usual spoken cue.

There is a certain "just be patient until the show-off is ready for the song" feeling to it, sometimes, and I think this is one of those times.

Finally, they sing He is Able to Deliver Thee. Offering is taken, and the pastor jokes about putting something on the envelope if they want it to go to the Hawkins family - their name, or "Evangelist" or "the shorter guy in green today."

Ah, bad pastor humor.

He announces an upcoming ladies meeting, and says they are going out for a meal afterward, but he doesn't know where. He jokes that they don't want to reveal it, because the guys will want to come along. So, for now, he'll say it's Panera Bread, because, of course, guys don't care for that.

More bad pastor humor. Not to mention pandemic-ignoring.

After the offering, the pianist needs to vamp a bit more, because the pastor now goes off into talking about the hymn they are about to sing, Channels Only.

The Hawkinses sing God's Been Good. Gary makes sure all know God is always good. He announces Ecclesiastes, pronouncing it correctly the first time, then saying "Eccleesees."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ecclesiastes+7%3A1-8&version=KJV

KJV: A good name is better than precious ointment
Bro Gary Version: Here we go again, A good name is better to be the - precious ointment

Here we go again?! Gary, what happened to "the Bahble says?"

KJV: Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad
BGV: Surely ohpress maketh a wise man mad

KJV: Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
BGV: Better in - better is the ind of a things than the beginning thereof: and the patience in the spirit is better than the poor -  proud  - in spirit.

He also says "the mourning" whenever it says "mourning."  And there are other errors, of course.

Gary unnerstands about the missin' thing and the family circle bein' broken, but you should be happy when someone dies, because they're in Heaven and don't have cancer no more. Did someone in the family get a lecture from you when they told you they missed your cousin, Gary?

When we get to Heaven, we won't want to ask all of those questions we think we want to ask of John the Baptist or Paul, because we'll be just like Jesus, and Jesus knows everything.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A8&version=KJV

While telling us that God rewards us on this side, as well as in Heaven, Gary says: "Ah have trahd to raise mah children in the part the more you obey me, the better it is . . .  the less ah don't git ta whup ya, even though ah like to do that stuff, amen." He goes on to say most parents lie and say "this is going to hurt me worse'n it does you," but his momma never told him that.

Gary, you are evil shit.

Gary got a $40 gift card to "some restaurant" from a pastor in New York. He does a long syllable coleslaw about what he's done for them, and how they've been a blessing to one another, and ends with "return, uh scratch your back, hey once in a whahl that does play off, amen?"

Gary is looking forward to having a grandchild so he can spoil it and make it mean, and then leave.

He announces Genesis 22, then says Genesis 2. Glad I'm on a computer, Gary - if I had to figure out what you are reading with a book bible, it would take much longer.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+22%3A12-13&version=KJV

KJV: Abraham went and took the ram
BGV: Abraham went and looked the ram

Obedience, fasting, praying. Gary ate a dessert the other day for the first time in six months, God takes Gary to the woodshed right away, he doesn't wait until he leaves Walmart.

"Mah daughter come down the other day, first tahm ah seen her in three years, four years, whatever it's been." I figure "the other day" was weeks ago, when they were in West Virginia, and the daughter was Becky's eldest.

"And here - ah don't know if ah said that here, but ah think ah'm gonna say it and if ah have, just pretend like ah didn't say it amen. And ah was talkin' to her 'cause she's outta church now, been outta church for over a year, part of it is becowse her church closed the doors, it's a sad thing that some that thing had to happen,  ______ (mumble, sounds like "ain't it not?")."

Gary veers off for his "you got the Covid/flu whatever, stay home" crap, then: "An' ah said something to her about church, and she says 'Ah didn't come to get lectured.'" And Gary goes on about the necessity to rebuke, and how he's glad he got rebuked by preachers. Oh, I'm sure you took it well and were humbled, Gary./s

Preachers today don't want to rebuke, and that's why the world's in a mess, then they want to blame it on Pelosi, but Gary blames it on those preachers and church members.

Gary says he'd love to swing on chandeliers and be joyful, but the Bible says you need to be "rebruked" once in a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

While talking about reuniting with dead loved ones in Heaven, Gary assures us that his recently-buried cousin would not have wanted him to drive all the way back to North Carolina to look at his body in a box, because Gary knows he's in Heaven. It sure does sound like someone in the family gave him guilt for not cancelling his gigs and coming to the funeral.

The next reading is Revelation (guess what Gary says! Did you say "Revelations?"), 22:4. Here it is, in its entirety:

KJV: And they shall see his face; and his name shall be in their foreheads.
BGV: And they shall see his face; and his name in his fore - in their forehead.

One freakin' sentence - 14 words, Gary!

Gary says that it will be good to see loved ones, but mostly he's excited about seeing Jesus. He really sounds like a stan with a backstage pass, all excited about seeing the biggest celebrity. He says he can't wait to sit down at a meal Jesus will serve. He makes sure we know the Bible says that Jesus will serve us a meal.

Gary's looking forward to being just like Jesus, and looking just like Jesus. Gary, you might be a bit surprised by the color of your skin and hair.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A55-58&version=KJV

"Ah should be lettin' people know that hey, there's nothing - nothing - listen, hey, uh maybe this body may go to the grave, this body will no doubt, the Bahble talks about how this body will one day - if you was to go dig up a body an' listen ah don't recommend you do that, but if you was to go dig up a casket, and you open that casket up, an' it's a hundred years old at least, ah'll promise you there's not gonna be no body there. Gon' see a buncha dust - dirt. Ya say wha? 'Cowse that's what God made us out of."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+20%3A10&version=KJV

Lots of screaming about the devil, especially how he tempts children - nothing new.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A25-30&version=KJV

I love it when Gary reads this story, because he can rattle off Nebuchadnezzar and Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (well, he says Abindigo, but so do a lot of people) with no problem, but he screws up easy words.

KJV: nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.
BGV: nor was any hair of their head singjed, neither were their coats charged, nor the smell of the smoke - fire had passed on them.

KJV: and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god
BGV: and charged the king's word, and yielded their bodies, and they might - may not serve nor worship any god

KJV: decree
BGV: degree

KJV: then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, in the province of Babylon.
BGV: then the king of promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abindigo, in the prince -  privinences of Babylon.

Gary goes on for a while praising Becky for everything she does for God. He says he only wants to be promoted for Jesus, not himself, and dislikes having "follerers."

"Ah'm prob'ly not gonna get a lot of plaques this sahd of eternity. Ah got a trophy one tahm for goin' to a Christian school anananand the teacher or the principal, ah don't know who put it out there, but says if you'll do two years' work in one year, you can win this trophy. Y'know what? Ah was up for it, an' ah done two years' work in one year. But the Christian school closed down ah went back to public school, ah didn't git - ah still had to do the other - ah had to repeat the other year. But ah took the trophy home with me."

Gary got an academic trophy. Think about that. Even if it was in the primary grades, just . . . think about that.

If if was a matter of handing in written work, and his family watches his videos, I bet there was a sibling rolling his or her eyes at that story.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A42-43&version=KJV

Gary has now changed the story about the man who refused the tract Jacob offered. Now he nastily yells "AHH DON'T NEED IT! Ah'm good!"

"See, a good person, when Jesus talked about alla time with the disciples, He was tellin' the disciples, it would be easier for a camel eye ahahah - a needle to go through the camel's eye than a good person to get saved."

Well, there goes Gary advocating animal cruelty again. Oh, and it's a rich person, Gary, not a good person.

We hear Becky whisper to Jacob - I can't hear what she's saying, but she sounds amused, and I suspect she's mocking Gary's error.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

(Gary won't, for obvious reasons, suggest she is committing adultery because Emhoff is divorced),

Sure he will!

Gary rants about the evils of divorce, and how it hurts the children, all the time. He did it in at least one of the recent videos (I just left out the stuff I usually put under the spoiler, since I'm catching up). You are quite correct about his being a hypocrite, he's just a slightly different kind of hypocrite than you thought.

I suspect there are some people he's known for a long time (decades!  ? ) that know the whole story. But I suspect that most of the churches he visits have only known him for the last eight years or less, and think he and Becky have been married for long enough to have had those seven children together. Even if pastors know, the congregation might not.

As I've said, I would ordinarily celebrate the adults in a blended family referring to all of the kids as their own children, if the children want it, and see it as a sign of love. In Becky and Gary's case, I think it's their way of covering up the fact that they are both divorced from other people.

4 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Oh, and on saying "whenever" instead of "when" - I'll give Gary a pass on that. It's a regionalism, not a Gary-ism. My grandparents all used the word that way, and my parents do sometimes too. There are specific situations where I might find myself doing the same. Like, if someone's asking me when I'll do something they're pestering me about, I'm more likely to say "whenever I get around to it" than "when I get around to it".

I know it's a regionalism, and I should probably give Gary a pass on it, too.

You actually used it as anyone would in the last sentence, though. I would say "whenever I get around to it," as well, as a northerner.

Well, OK, I would say "whenever I get a chance, I'm so sorry it's late, I promise you it's on the to-do list!" A long history of being a childhood procrastinator can lead to some groveling as an adult. ?

And I would use it for things that have repeated in the past; "whenever I see a post from @Alisamer, I look forward to reading it," or "whenever Gary preaches, I am torn between laughter and rage" or "whenever we visit that city, we go to that restaurant."

But I would say "When I was in Minnesota," or "when my Dad was growing up" or "when the clock struck midnight." For the past tense of something that actually happened, and only happened once, I would always use "when." Gary uses "whenever" in those instances.

If he says "whenever the devil spoke to Eve," he doesn't mean "in the several instances of the devil speaking to Eve, he always . . . " He means, "that one time, when the devil spoke to Eve. And did you know she was perfect?"

But I have heard other people from his neck of the woods use it that way, as well.

Edited January 19, 2021 by thoughtful
adding something

[Xan]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah'm prob'ly not gonna get a lot of plaques this sahd of eternity. Ah got a trophy one tahm for goin' to a Christian school anananand the teacher or the principal, ah don't know who put it out there, but says if you'll do two years' work in one year, you can win this trophy. Y'know what? Ah was up for it, an' ah done two years' work in one year. But the Christian school closed down ah went back to public school, ah didn't git - ah still had to do the other - ah had to repeat the other year. But ah took the trophy home with me."

Gary got an academic trophy. Think about that. Even if it was in the primary grades, just . . . think about that.

You're being generous, @thoughtful.  I was thinking that Gary was a couple of years behind and the teacher was trying to bribe him to catch up.