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How to Help Elderly Parents/In-Laws During COVID-19?


NoKidsAndCounting

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Hello, all.  I'm sure others are dealing with this, and I thought I would seek out the advice of you kind people on here.  I'm not sure what to do in this situation.  My in-laws live about 15 minutes from us, which is a good thing because they are not in the best of health.  My husband's Mom, (J) and his Dad (B) are not in terrible health and can still run errands and take care of their house.  Their yard is cut and driveway is snow-plowed courtesy of the condo community in which they live.  However, "B" is still recovering from prostate cancer and takes multiple medications for this plus heart problems.  He is 82 years old.  "J" is 76, an insulin-dependent diabetic, weighs less than 90 pounds and has some problems with balance and mobility.  We run errands and help when needed. 

Considering all that B has been through plus his age, he is in remarkable shape.  My husband has been getting together with him for golf about once a week.  We had seen them here and there over the summer but not very much.  Now, COVID numbers are soaring in our area.  My in-laws are deeply emotionally dependent on my husband, and I think he may be as well.  It's hard for them to go even a week without seeing him.  The weather is getting colder and outdoor activities will no longer be an option.  I don't think under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES that we should see them inside for quite some time.  My husband teaches part-time at a Catholic school (with all proper precautions in place), and I'm an administrative assistant working in a law school (two days in person and the other three at home).

They are starting to get desperate and pleading with us to be there to visit, despite our trying to explain the situation.  They are very much appraised of the news and current events but perhaps don't care about the risks?  I don't know what in blazes to do.  I do feel sad for them but couldn't live with myself if we exposed them.  Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas?

Thanks so much!

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I don't really have advice (sorry) - but I am going to link you to the Caregivers Club here  at FJ - We've got some threads there that long term may be of help/interest to you.

 

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This isn’t an easy question, but when do we start thinking of quality versus quantity of life? COVID isn’t going away anytime soon. The most we can hope for is a vaccine. I’m sorry you’re having to figure this out. I truly don’t have any advice. Sending internet hugs if you want them.

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The only way my husband can see his mom in person is in an outdoors patio setting through a glass panel.   She’s in an assisted living situation, but I wonder if your family could make some sort of outdoor set up to keep visits safe.  That’s what we are trying to figure out to allow my sister and others to visit with us.  We have a deck overhang and are planning to get an outdoor heater for winter social distancing.

I totally sympathize.  It’s necessary for safety, but sad and maddening.   We are still trying to come up with ideas, because it’s going to be a long winter.

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@CTRLZeroThank you for the suggestion!  My in-laws do have a deck.  There is no way that my mother-in-law could be outside even with a heater, although it's a good idea.  She gets cold even in 75 degrees F inside because of her poor circulation.  Maybe we could stay outside on the deck and see them through their sliding glass door?  We've made plans to make Thanksgiving dinner and deliver half of it to them.  Basically, we're just coming in with masks, dropping off the food and leaving quickly.  Gosh, I hate this.  I know others are going through a lot more difficult things right now, and this isn't the end of the world.  I just hate disappointing someone or worse, causing illness.

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Maybe you could get a twin size electric blanket to use outside. It would keep her warm from head to toe. 

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Enclosing their deck and putting in a heater is a good idea.  

The only other thing I could suggest is one or both of you moving in with them or asking them to move in with you until the vaccines become available.  I know that even if space and personality issues aren't an issue, with both of you working you'd still be worried about bringing the virus home with you.

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I struggle with this with my parents too. Unknowingly bring COVID to them? Not see them? The guilt of both is too much. I try to follow the protocols some friends in the health field follow. The strip, clothes in washer, shower, change stuff, etc. My parents are in their late 80's and have risks but my not seeing them also has risks.  I take all my precautions and then find out....they went to Target on a Friday afternoon, they went out to eat with their friends...etc. Keep in mind my brother and his family are in their bubble and do many if their errands. 

I guess I'm just blabbering on with the struggle is real,  it is hard, sometimes I feel they take more risks than I do, so ultimately I isolate even more before going to see them but I do go see them because it is important to them. Maybe I'll take their car keys with me when I leave.

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We go to mom's house. We distance as much as we can and always wear masks when we are there. She has a big enough house with open spaces that do make distancing easier and we wear masks. She is alone. She is also legally blind and I have to handle a lot of financial paperwork and other such things for her. I had to fill out her ballot and make sure she knew where to sign it--which required no distancing. Can't put my finger (or her pen) on the line from 6 feet away. She shouldn't have been disenfranchised for the sake of social distancing. And she shouldn't be left totally alone for years for it either. I know that is a super controversial opinion. But that's the conclusion we came to. 

If there is adequate space to distance and everyone is willing to use masks, then decide how much risk you are comfortable with. 

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On 11/8/2020 at 11:29 AM, louisa05 said:

We go to mom's house. We distance as much as we can and always wear masks when we are there. She has a big enough house with open spaces that do make distancing easier and we wear masks. She is alone. She is also legally blind and I have to handle a lot of financial paperwork and other such things for her. I had to fill out her ballot and make sure she knew where to sign it--which required no distancing. Can't put my finger (or her pen) on the line from 6 feet away. She shouldn't have been disenfranchised for the sake of social distancing. And she shouldn't be left totally alone for years for it either. I know that is a super controversial opinion. But that's the conclusion we came to. 

If there is adequate space to distance and everyone is willing to use masks, then decide how much risk you are comfortable with. 

I think your reasons for being at your mom's house are acceptable. That woman from Michigan made it quite clear that it was acceptable to leave home to care for others when my state was under a strict lockdown.

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Speaking as an elderly myself, although a really healthy one, you may want to consider your in-laws' feelings about the risk of covid vs the benefit to them of spending time with loved ones. It sounds like quality of life, at least for your MIL, isn't all that great. Maybe for them isolation is worse than dying. That's their choice  and you should not feel guilty if, god forbid, you infect them.

It's hard enough for me not seeing my adult children, not being able to travel, participate in many of my usual activities. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I didn't have my extensive network of friends to socialize with online and myriad outdoor activities to occupy me. As it is, some days the only thing that keeps me from going to the nearest mega church and licking their door handles is that as the sole caregiver for my husband, I will do everything possible to keep my kids from having to assume that responsibility. I've had a good long life (and I hope I have some more good years when this is over) and my kids deserve to live their best lives in this world that we have fucked up so badly.

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12 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

as the sole caregiver for my husband, I will do everything possible to keep my kids from having to assume that responsibility.

This is how I encourage* my social butterfly husband to maintain strict habits to avoid Covid-19.  I remind him that even though his mother is in assisted living, he is her power of attorney and the two of us still have decisions to make for her on a weekly basis. 

My husband is 70, and in apparent great health, but if he is incapacitated or dies, it's going to become very difficult to maintain his mother's care.  I've asked him to designate someone to step in should that happen.  I have recently-diagnosed vision problems, so can't drive.  We are still trying to puzzle out our own long-term situation, and Covid-19 has really made us think about all that could go wrong.

*scold

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2 hours ago, CTRLZero said:

This is how I encourage* my social butterfly husband to maintain strict habits to avoid Covid-19.  I remind him that even though his mother is in assisted living, he is her power of attorney and the two of us still have decisions to make for her on a weekly basis. 

My husband is 70, and in apparent great health, but if he is incapacitated or dies, it's going to become very difficult to maintain his mother's care.  I've asked him to designate someone to step in should that happen.  I have recently-diagnosed vision problems, so can't drive.  We are still trying to puzzle out our own long-term situation, and Covid-19 has really made us think about all that could go wrong.

*scold

That's extra-hard, planning for your own and your husband's elder care AND doing the same for his mother. It was challenging enough dealing with them sequentially. The first thing I did after my husband's dementia diagnosis was get our legal stuff redrawn, to, among other things, have someone designated as secondary POA for him, and new primary and secondary POAs for myself. Some days I think I'm putting too much mental energy into planning but I remember a quote from a person who accomplished something believed to not be possible because of the danger,  "If you’re afraid it means you didn’t plan enough." So I continue to work on my what-ifs.

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Thanks everyone for your continued advice.  One of the reasons I don't want to see his parents is because my husband is still playing racket sports in various clubs around the area with no mask.  He wears one all of the time when out shopping and at work, but he says no one wears a mask when playing (because it's too hard to breathe while running) and mentions that because all of the games take place in buildings with ceilings several stories high, COVID concerns shouldn't be an issue.  I disagree, and we just don't see eye to eye on this.  I'm still not sure what to do.  Does anyone know about the risk of being in a building with high ceilings?  Silly question, I know, but so many new questions and concerns come out of this mess.

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2 hours ago, NoKidsAndCounting said:

Thanks everyone for your continued advice.  One of the reasons I don't want to see his parents is because my husband is still playing racket sports in various clubs around the area with no mask.  He wears one all of the time when out shopping and at work, but he says no one wears a mask when playing (because it's too hard to breathe while running) and mentions that because all of the games take place in buildings with ceilings several stories high, COVID concerns shouldn't be an issue.  I disagree, and we just don't see eye to eye on this.  I'm still not sure what to do.  Does anyone know about the risk of being in a building with high ceilings?  Silly question, I know, but so many new questions and concerns come out of this mess.

Everyone has their own comfort level. I have friends who have not left their homes since last March,  and others whose bubbles are uncomfortably large for my taste. When my community swim pool reopened in Phase 2 I felt comfortable going there, in part because of very the high ceilings. There's a balcony above the pool deck and the clerestory windows and ventilation fans are higher than the balcony. I'm guessing 30 feet from pool deck to highest point in the ceiling. It was easy to physically distance in the locker rooms and mask wearing except when you were actually swimming or showering was enforced. They also limited the lanes to one swimmer each so there were never more than 5 other people in the pool. It's by reservation only and competition is fierce--when they open the next week for reservations everything is booked within 4 minutes, which means with my lousy internet service I'm lucky to get  2 one-hour sessions reserved.

I was completely comfortable with this setup but my more conservative friends thought I was taking an unreasonable risk, and right now I'm no longer that comfortable. Last week they decided that two people could share a lane as long as they [said they] were from the same household. I pointed out in an email to the pool manager that my exposure risk had just gone from 5 people to potentially 10 and while I understand and feel the frustration of other members, maybe right now is not the best time to be loosening restrictions? I have not heard back.

If other people in the clubs are wearing masks all the time except when they are physically playing, then your husband's risk is similar to what mine was before last week. If, however, they aren't masking up everywhere but on the courts, that's different, and dangerous. I'm betting the locker rooms don't have high ceilings. Remember, it's their masks, not his, that are protecting him.

Again, I'd have to say this is a call that only your husband and his parents can make and you are definitely not responsible if they become ill, nor should you feel guilty.

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On 11/6/2020 at 2:51 PM, NoKidsAndCounting said:

They are starting to get desperate and pleading with us to be there to visit, despite our trying to explain the situation.  They are very much appraised of the news and current events but perhaps don't care about the risks?  I don't know what in blazes to do.  I do feel sad for them but couldn't live with myself if we exposed them.  Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas?

@NoKidsAndCounting Mr. No and I are also dealing with his parents who are having a hard time with the isolation, and can't understand why we won't visit them.   FIL is 90 and MIL is 88.   They are still living independently in their own home and get housekeeping and lawn / snow services so that's not a parent.  FIL is able to drive but sticks to local driving only for things like doctor appts and grocery shopping.    They frequent restaurants often as that's most of their daily social interaction so when indoor dining was closed earlier this year that was hard.  Due to surges in our state, indoor dining just closed down again.

The problem is they are question just "how bad this virus really is", "that we are being to safe" , "you gotta live your life" and it doesn't help that SIL, Mr. No's sister, sees them to check on them but without a mask and no social distancing.  She is also traveling over state lines to a state with no mask mandate to hang out with family who also appears not to be taking precautions.  She does her grocery shopping in that state because there's no rules.    So there's a potential exposure point here especially knowing that MIL and FIL are seeing family who are not taking precautions.

Mr. No, after experiencing an ICU stay a few years ago, does not want to get this.  He also doesn't want to have the responsibility of unknowingly giving it to them.  So he refuses.  They get pretty upset about it but he's holding his ground.   They offered once just to see him in the yard with a mask but he knows that as soon as he gets there, all bets will be off because they have done that sort of thing before.  Agree to do something then as soon as we get there, they have changed their mind and sorry to say they have a history of being dishonest.  It's one thing to change your mind about which restaurant to go to, or who's going to drive there but to change your mind about mask wearing and insisting we go into the house under pretext of changing the light bulb with a pandemic going on.   Just no.

 

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On 11/11/2020 at 7:23 PM, Ali said:

I think your reasons for being at your mom's house are acceptable. That woman from Michigan made it quite clear that it was acceptable to leave home to care for others when my state was under a strict lockdown.

Thanks for saying this. A work friend and I had a venting session the other day about this challenge of caring for aging parents in this pandemic. There are plenty of busybodies out there who want to tell you what you should or should not be doing. Even my own extended family has people chiming in to tell me that we should have left mom alone since March. They infuriate me the most because they (theoretically) should be aware of the limitations of her disability and what kind of assistance she needs. Helpful unrelated busybodies have told both me and my friend that we should be paying people to come in and do the tasks that we do so we don't risk Covid. I'm not sure how a paid person coming in is different from us going. It's still a person. And we would have no control over the choices that person makes when not at mom's house. We are cautious about when we go. There were a few cases at Mr 05's work that were not close enough contact for him to quarantine during the summer--we waited 14 days after that before going to her house. We turned down an outdoor bbq invite in September (only six people--3 couples including us--half being Mr 05's co-workers he's exposed to anyway) because we needed to go to her house the day after. I had a student diagnosed in October. He hadn't been within 6 feet of me or in the room without a mask, but we delayed going to her house for awhile after that. We would not have any knowledge of any exposures a hired helper might have or of how much socializing they might be doing without taking precautions. 

If you know people caring for aging or disabled family members, resist the urge to criticize their choices. If they are being cautious in their lives anyway, they have probably agonized over how to handle this and realized they don't have perfect choices. 

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3 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

If you know people caring for aging or disabled family members, resist the urge to criticize their choices. If they are being cautious in their lives anyway, they have probably agonized over how to handle this and realized they don't have perfect choices. 

Early on, a friend and I were agreeing that there was an upside to the fact that neither of our parents were still alive when the pandemic hit. 

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2 minutes ago, FiveAcres said:

Early on, a friend and I were agreeing that there was an upside to the fact that neither of our parents were still alive when the pandemic hit. 

I have literally thanked God nothing like this hit during my dad's last three years when he had cancer. I do not know what we could have done to handle their needs and keep him safe. Mom is only high risk due to age; she literally has no health issues at all. 

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On 11/15/2020 at 2:51 PM, louisa05 said:

I have literally thanked God nothing like this hit during my dad's last three years when he had cancer. I do not know what we could have done to handle their needs and keep him safe. Mom is only high risk due to age; she literally has no health issues at all. 

My youngest sister and I shared this very same sentiment.   Mom died in 2015, Dad passed in 2017.   I don't know how all of us would have been able to help keep either of them safe.    Mom had a lot of health issues (CAD, diabetes, CHF), but Dad's main health risk was age (90) until 3 months before he died, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer.   

 

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1 hour ago, nokidsmom said:

My youngest sister and I shared this very same sentiment.   Mom died in 2015, Dad passed in 2017.   I don't know how all of us would have been able to help keep either of them safe.    Mom had a lot of health issues (CAD, diabetes, CHF), but Dad's main health risk was age (90) until 3 months before he died, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer.   

 

My dad also had esophageal cancer. He fought it for three years. 

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My husband and I live with my father-in-law so he can continue to live in his own home. It would be dreadful for him to be in a nursing home right now and not be able to have any visitors. We were able to do a wonderful drive-by birthday party for his 80th birthday a couple months ago.

The weather is too cold to visit outside now, and our very small town is in the middle of a covid outbreak. (It started within a week of Halloween, when the village did trick-or-treating as if there weren't a pandemic.) We had been able to attend church (very small town, very small congregation, we did no singing, and people were willing to wear masks. Even I felt pretty safe going to church.) But with the outbreak, we've gone back to virtual church, which means that my father-in-law never gets to see anyone besides us.

My father-in-law is depressed and wants to die so he can be with his wife again. When we stress the seriousness of the virus, he is unable to consider that he might be a danger to others and just focuses on himself: "If I die, I die. I'm ready to go." I point out that if he is hospitalized with it, his beloved granddaughters (my nieces who live nearby) won't be able to visit, and we won't be allowed to have a visitation for anyone other than immediate family. We won't be able to have a visitation that lasts hours past the scheduled time (it's a matter of pride to him that his father's funeral did that), and the obituary won't say that his family was with him when he died (a matter of irritation that my late mother-in-law's obituary omitted the fact that she was with family).

Our biggest struggle with eldercare during this time has been with my father-in-law's brain. He has a degenerative neurological condition that gives him inconsistent memory and messes with his cognitive processes. He forgets that there's a pandemic, or he doesn't understand that he needs to wear a mask, or he goes off to visit a friend and just assumes that because the friend is a good guy he obviously wouldn't have the virus. Only last week, he went to visit his oldest friend, only to discover that the man's wife tested positive. My father-in-law didn't stay long, but I am concerned that he exposed himself—and us—to covid.

I have a good friend here in town who lives alone. She is in her upper 70s and has no family nearby. She is lonely and bored. I'll be going to visit her tomorrow, as long as we sit bundled up in her driveway, at least ten feet apart from each other so we can have a visit. It won't be ideal, but she has even less human contact than people in nursing homes who interact with staff members.

So I rambled my way through this and have no point to make (although I think I may have had one in mind when I started writing). I guess I just want to say that eldercare is hard right now. Balancing the very real social needs with the very real medical risks is a constant dance where I don't know the steps.

 

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