Bontrager/Bowers 7: Thanking the Lord for all the Matchmaking

[Giraffe 19,462]

My aunt and her husband still tell people they’re in the honeymoon stage 10+ years after getting married. It’s the most cringeworthy thing ever! They always make a point of sharing how in love they are and how much they enjoy spending all day everyday with each other. There are a number of us in the family who are convinced they hate each other but they’ve individually decided this will be their last marriage so they put on what they think is a perfect marriage front, entirely clueless that very few of us fall for it. 

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

Just now, Giraffe said:

My aunt and her husband still tell people they’re in the honeymoon stage 10+ years after getting married. It’s the most cringeworthy thing ever! They always make a point of sharing how in love they are and how much they enjoy spending all day everyday with each other. There are a number of us in the family who are convinced they hate each other but they’ve individually decided this will be their last marriage so they put on what they think is a perfect marriage front, entirely clueless that very few of us fall for it. 

My great grandparents were married 75 years and I swear their marriage was nothing like any of these fundie marriages. The only thing they have in common was that my grandma never wore pants a day in her life. Even skirts when scrubbing floors. But she was the opposite of submissive and I have a sneaking suspicion they used birth control way back in the 30s and 40s. They weren’t constantly talking about the honeymoon stage and all that. They were committed partners and loved each other, but never had to announce it to the world. It was obvious in their actions. You don’t have to tell everyone you’re in love if people can easily see it. 

[EmiSue 1,581]

1 hour ago, neurogirl said:

Marriage is hard! I've been married for just over 2 years and its hard. Of course, my husband and I were together for 6 years before we got married, so our honeymoon stage was already over. But even in the two years of marriage we've survived job changes, moving, a parent being really ill, mental illness, loneliness even before covid, and then with covid, job loss, money stress, and heightened isolation. I also have some physical issues that makes sex a bit painful if theres not a bunch of time and attention put in - so therefore that happens just a few times a month and we need to have a lot of communication. 

Sometimes these fundies make me feel insecure about my marriage with their "joyfully available" and their "always falling in love." I have to remember that despite the hard times and the fact that we're still both working on ourselves, we have the space to do that individually and with each other, I can always share my feelings openly and honestly, and I'm with someone who makes me genuinely laugh every day. I don't have to put on an act and I found a companion to grow with. Shut up Allison.

Our first few years of marriage were a struggle too, including sex as I also have issues in that department. We just had our 14th anniversary and I have to say that despite covid, infertility, a miracle son who keeps us on our toes, and all the ups and downs, we've grown so safe and secure with each other. If you'd asked if that were possible in year two when we'd started counseling and were really struggling, I don't know what my answer would have been. Fundie newlyweds have no clue. Don't let them fool you into thinking they do.❤️

[mango_fandango 32,921]

Something that will change Allison’s ideas on marriage will be parenthood, especially if she’s hoping to have as many children as the Lord provides. 
 

@Giraffe I’ve also heard that couples who are constantly bragging about how much they love each other are actually the ones who are having the most troubles. Obviously this is a generalisation, but if you’re really and truly in love with your spouse, you don’t need to constantly brag on social media, people will be able to tell anyway. 
 

I’ve never had a relationship of any kind so I don’t really feel qualified to talk about this, but I’m not naive. I’ve spent enough time on here and other online forums to realise that “the course of true love never did run smooth”, to quote Shakespeare.

[Melissa1977 23,037]

7 hours ago, neurogirl said:

Sometimes these fundies make me feel insecure about my marriage with their "joyfully available" and their "always falling in love."

They are soooo hypocrite. Don't believe IG accounts (fundie or not).

You have had an extremely hard life since your marriage, but you are overcoming all the problems together. That's what an adult relationship means. It's unfair that you had that many problems in such a short time, but many people in IG (again, fundie or not) have problems too. They just choose to not show it (which is fine) and pretend their lives are lolipops and rainbows.

Hope everything gets better to you soon!

[Melissa1977 23,037]

7 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

My great grandparents were married 75 years and I swear their marriage was nothing like any of these fundie marriages. . They were committed partners and loved each other, but never had to announce it to the world. It was obvious in their actions.

My grandparents were married for 60 years. My grandpa was really in love with my grandma. Not sure if she felt the same at the same level, most probably not. But he had her in a pedestal. Both of them worked as a team, took decisions, made life changes etc. Why? Nor because horny honeymoon stage, neither because religion, but because their personalities matched! And because my grandma wasn't submissive, and he respected her. She was a housewife, like most women then, but she was never less than him.

A fundie marriage approach cannot work because forces husband to lead (while some men are just not leaders or are awful at that) and makes wife to shut up and obey (which means frutrated and bitter women).

 

[Bluebirdbluebell 3,320]

I'm not sure Allison is all that happy. I think she's in love with marriage and being married and in-love. She's attracted to him. 

It could be me and the fact that I don't know these people, but John and Chelsy seem much more of a couple than Allison and Jeremiah. 

[fundiefan 25,224]

14 hours ago, neurogirl said:

Marriage is hard! I've been married for just over 2 years and its hard. Of course, my husband and I were together for 6 years before we got married, so our honeymoon stage was already over. But even in the two years of marriage we've survived job changes, moving, a parent being really ill, mental illness, loneliness even before covid, and then with covid, job loss, money stress, and heightened isolation. I also have some physical issues that makes sex a bit painful if theres not a bunch of time and attention put in - so therefore that happens just a few times a month and we need to have a lot of communication. 

Sometimes these fundies make me feel insecure about my marriage with their "joyfully available" and their "always falling in love." I have to remember that despite the hard times and the fact that we're still both working on ourselves, we have the space to do that individually and with each other, I can always share my feelings openly and honestly, and I'm with someone who makes me genuinely laugh every day. I don't have to put on an act and I found a companion to grow with. Shut up Allison.

Don't ever, ever feel insecure about your marriage by comparison to fundies. Especially and particularly fundies like Allison. They only post the bestest of the bestest, and if it doesn't exist, they make it up. 

They are NOT living perfectly happily ever after princess lives. They just won't - or can't - even allude to anything being less than perfect. 

Some of the most epic, massive fights the ex and I had in our marriage were in the first year. Life settled down a bit after that first year and while the fights still happened, they were nowhere near the level of those during that year. Not until we reached the end of the marriage, anyway. A lot of things "happened" in those first few years too. My grandmother died 4 months after we got married. That gutted me and I dealt with it by turning inward and being outwardly angry, at everyone and everything. I lost my job just before our first anniversary. There were issues involving his kids. And there were simply two grown, individual adults trying to figure out how to live a shared life while giving and getting what was needed. 

Our honeymoon phase was actually probably about our 3-5th years of marriage. Life settled down. We adjusted to our life together and learned how to share that life. There weren't work issues with either of us. We bought our house and reveled in making it ours. His father did die during that time, but we were both more able to deal with it. Unlike when my grandma died. He didn't really know her that well; we'd dated over 3 years before we married, but he worked really odd hours and while he knew my family, he didn't spend a lot of time with them because he was never around on weekends; he didn't understand our relationship so he didn't understand what I needed. With his father, I knew him (his dad) well, and his mom, so there was a mutual relationship there, making it more natural for me to understand his (the ex's) loss and how to be there as he needed. 

Blah, blah, blah. Experience. Giving & taking. Fighting. Compromising. Learning & accepting. And digging in your heels when it was absolutely necessary. All things most people go through when they get married - - no matter what they put online and no matter how the try to convince you (and themselves) that life is perfect. 

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

Since my marriage was ridiculously easy the first year, I’m looking at Allison’s Marriage from that perspective. It got SO MUCH HARDER after we had our first kid after 3 years of marriage. Like mountains harder. PPA/PPD will rock any marriage in my opinion.  Even a marriage that was embarrassingly easy at the beginning. I always worry about PPA/PPD in quiverful households. Because it’s never allowed to be treated and you’re forced to have kid after kid like Andrea Yates. 

[Bluebirdbluebell 3,320]

3 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Since my marriage was ridiculously easy the first year, I’m looking at Allison’s Marriage from that perspective. It got SO MUCH HARDER after we had our first kid after 3 years of marriage. Like mountains harder. PPA/PPD will rock any marriage in my opinion.  Even a marriage that was embarrassingly easy at the beginning. I always worry about PPA/PPD in quiverful households. Because it’s never allowed to be treated and you’re forced to have kid after kid like Andrea Yates. 

Andrea Yates had schizophrenia. 

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

4 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Andrea Yates had schizophrenia. 

I believe she was also diagnosed with PPP (postpartum psychosis). 

Edited October 31 by JermajestyDuggar

[Bluebirdbluebell 3,320]

10 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I believe she was also diagnosed with PPP (postpartum psychosis). 

Yes she had PPD, PPP, but also schizophrenia. I've seen other snarkers comment about Andrea Yates in relation to fundies and skip over the schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is major mental health problem and it probably contibuted to other two. 

more information

[browngrl 4,972]

What Andrea Yates had was likely post partum psychosis or post partum depression with psychotic features. The psychotic features are what has likely lead to the diagnosis of schizophrenia. This being said a pre existing condition like schizophrenia would be a risk factor for post partum mental illness.

[Florita 3,467]

Uh oh. Praise changed her Instagram picture to one w/o Denver. And it's not like she uses IG all that much.

Spoiler

 

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

8 hours ago, Florita said:

Uh oh. Praise changed her Instagram picture to one w/o Denver. And it's not like she uses IG all that much.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Those two breaking up would shock me. They always looked so comfortable together and they seemed very close to engagement. Can you imagine breaking it off and then having to see your ex every once in awhile because your sibling is married to their sibling? Talk about awkward. 

[Florita 3,467]

1 hour ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Those two breaking up would shock me. They always looked so comfortable together and they seemed very close to engagement. Can you imagine breaking it off and then having to see your ex every once in awhile because your sibling is married to their sibling? Talk about awkward. 

They did look good together. I was thinking the latest sibling visit (that Allison posted pictures of) was for the proposal. Perhaps the age difference mattered after all. 

[usedbicycle 7,185]

I came here to say just what @mango_fandango and @JermajestyDuggar said! Babies have a very cute way of ending the honeymoon phase pretty abruptly. 

I had a baby right before this pandemic and she's been a terrible light sleeper since birth. I was amazed just how much my husband and I were fighting and this article helped tremendously. I share it will all my new parent friends.

https://www.nytimes.com/article/fighting-after-baby-guide.html

Unfortunately for fundy women, one of the takeaways is that the more equally you share the burden of parenting and domestic life, the more you will like each other. 

 

 

[Bluebirdbluebell 3,320]

New blog post on the main Bontrager blog; they visited Allison. Some of the pictures include Praise. 

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

So the post claims the large old farmhouse with the red walls is the home to Allison and Jeremiah. I’m guessing it was given to them to live in by the Helferich parents. The way it is decorated makes me think Allison and Jer didn’t just move in and decorate themselves. There are lots of antiques and Knick knacks that have likely been there awhile. My guess is that the Helferich parents moved out of that home and let the newlyweds live there. 

Edited November 3 by JermajestyDuggar

[Nothing if not critical 700]

27 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

So the post claims the large old farmhouse with the red walls is the home to Allison and Jeremiah. I’m guessing it was given to them to live in by the Helferich parents. The way it is decorated makes me think Allison and Jer didn’t just move in and decorate themselves. There are lots of antiques and Knick knacks that have likely been there awhile. My guess is that the Helferich parents moved out of that home and let the newlyweds live there. 

That's really the only explanation that makes sense, isn't it? Would account for them having the shower there and for Allison's claims that they have their own place now. The Bonts also called it a "beautiful old house".

Personally, I would repaint the red walls asap - they seem so stifling to me. But hey, maybe Allison likes them...

[JermajestyDuggar 182,328]

15 minutes ago, Nothing if not critical said:

That's really the only explanation that makes sense, isn't it? Would account for them having the shower there and for Allison's claims that they have their own place now. The Bonts also called it a "beautiful old house".

Personally, I would repaint the red walls asap - they seem so stifling to me. But hey, maybe Allison likes them...

I’m a lover* of unpainted wood trim. I hate the current trend of painting beautiful old wood trim stark white. It covers the beauty of the wood. The wood trim is lovely in that home. But you don’t notice it because of the red walls. The red walls are completely overpowering the beauty of the wood details. If she painted the walls a less abrasive color, the trim would be showcased and more of a focal point. 
 

*yes I used lover because Allison seems to prefer that word these days

Edited November 3 by JermajestyDuggar

[anachronistic 7,166]

I’m in love with that stove, except for the annoying labels on it and the silly plaque sitting on it. I wonder if it’s actually in use or just for decoration? I adore old fashioned stoves like that, like the Agas they have in Britain - though I admit that I’ve never had to cook on one or seen a working one. I also love huge farmhouse sinks, wallpaper, old farmhouses in general. I think the red would be better as a patterned wallpaper, but I don’t really care how people decorate. It’s how they think I’m spending eternity in hell that concerns me, and underneath the smiling faces there are some really abhorrent beliefs. 

[Nothing if not critical 700]

14 minutes ago, anachronistic said:

I don’t really care how people decorate. It’s how they think I’m spending eternity in hell that concerns me, and underneath the smiling faces there are some really abhorrent beliefs. 

Oh, absolutely, and I admit that discussing their wallpaper choices is BEC. I just couldn't help myself. 😂
 

On a more serious note, I also wonder if Allison will have any say in future decorating choices or whether she'll have to submit to her headship and his family. Then again, I'm not really familiar with her tastes, and maybe she really loves dark red walls....

[fundiefan 25,224]

I don't like the decorating style of that house at all, but it's not my house so I don't care. 

The one thing I will comment on though - if you have to plaster your stove with the words "country charm" - you completely miss the point of country charm. 

[Zebedee 2,518]

I quite like dark red walls, though when we moved to our little flat in Germany, I went for a very dark green just ahead of the maroon. Skirting boards aren't really a thing here, at least in newer apartments, so we had a carpenter come in and add white skirting, and a wall of white book shelving, which looks great with the dark walls. I think with unfinished woodwork, we'd need a darker book shelf, and it would be a bit gloomy.
My partner keeps a small flat in Munich for work; it has lovely old honey coloured wooden floors and woodwork, so we nixed the darker colours, and went for deep yellows and blues which fit perfectly. Of course, my decoration style is totally not going to be the same as everyone else's, that's fine. Also a bit of my point, we're all adults, we can have our own tastes and styles, and we don't try to discern Satan or worldy influences everywhere!

But, I will be BEC for one thing: lay off with the cutesy stupid labels. I don't care for it, but I don't care if other people do - except fundies: they (fundies and cutesy twee signs) are everywhere. "Live, Laugh Love" in twee little mass-produced fonts, signs at the dining table with "eat", bedrooms with "sleep", bathrooms with "Shit" and "Aim here" etc etc. All identical materials and fonts and messages. It's like they all go to a fundie approved "make your home unique" store and buy exactly the same stuff. I don't really care about decor that much, so it takes a lot for me to put stuff on my walls, am not going to bother with mass produced pre-landfill tat. After 3-4 years, maybe I'll bother with a picture I really love; or I'll have a blank wall until I suddenly see something I "need". (my new "need" is some framed special edition stamps from Austria - they have released charity stamps that are on a toilet roll, TP sized. Those will be on my WC wall asap!) 

My partner and I have totally opposite ideas of decor and art, we have a mixture of personalities on our walls after 20 years. But they're all about homemaking, and all their homes have identical shit on the walls. No personalities at all. Like show homes done on the cheap. I get that - not much money to spare, normal for young couples, but perhaps, instead of wasting money on mass produced tchotchkes, buy some frames, add photos, children's drawings, friend's paintings Perhaps an occasional poster from a museum or concert or whatever. Much cheaper, I would also think much more comforting. Or, you know, just live with bare walls until you have the children's paintings and so on. And save the money.