Mom's Corner by Teri

[HerNameIsBuffy]

22 minutes ago, FluffySnowball said:

Isn’t that the worst way to live? We humans always need hope, that’s what carries us and helps us survive hard times. 

That's very true in one sense, but in another sometimes hope is the thing that will keep you mired in a bad place.  It's very much a double edged sword, IMO.

Hope that your abuser will change has kept millions in dangerous relationships for years.  Just one example.

I believe in hope in a global overarching way, but when it comes to bad situations I cut hope loose very quickly and try to act based on how things are, not how they could be someday.

[louannems]

On 12/15/2020 at 6:53 AM, smittykins said:

My mom used to do jigsaw puzzles; I don’t have the patience for it.  I know I’ve seen round one-color puzzles.

I've been doing lots of jigsaw puzzles this last year.  I take a picture so I can remember how I spent the pandemic!  I'm on my 16th.

[louannems]

On 2/11/2021 at 7:49 AM, fundiefan said:

I'm pretty sure Teri hated being a mother - raising kids, following Steve's rules, being depressed, having more kids than she could handle, homeschooling when she didn't want to and wasn't emotionally capable of doing properly - - -everything about having a family & raising children seems to be Teri's worst nightmare. 

If, as a mother, the most common wording you use when describing raising your children is "in the trenches" you should really have an honest talk with yourself, without the opinion of your husband or what he says his god demands.

She's pushed that language onto her offspring, as Sarah uses it as well.

Raising children is not war. You are not in trenches, fighting for your life. If that's your view of parenthood, you have no business procreating.

Of course, I've never raised kids but I know it is not easy. It's hard work and takes constant commitment, stretching yourself, learning & relearning, adjusting, teaching - even without homeschooling - guiding, strength, etc... but it is not war. 

This insight on Teri really puts into perspective  just how awful Steve was to insist on a reversal. They already had plenty of healthy kids, Teri already was overwhelmed and did not need more kids! Steve probably saw it as a punishment for Teri to keep having babies until she could submit to the lord and be cheerful about.

[louannems]

14 minutes ago, louannems said:

This insight on Teri really puts into perspective  just how awful Steve was to insist on a reversal. They already had plenty of healthy kids, Teri already was overwhelmed and did not need more kids! Steve probably saw it as a punishment for Teri to keep having babies until she could submit to the lord and be cheerful about.

Not to mention the fact that people don't get vasectomies without lots and lots of discussion first.  Hopefully they both agreed it was the best thing for the entire family. It sounded to me like Steve pretty much decided on his reversal with hardly any input from Teri.

[Black Aliss]

14 hours ago, allyisyourpally5 said:

And yet the irony - where did Steve and Teri meet???? Wasnt it at that place called college that provides education and that normal parents allow,  and often ENCOURAGE, their child to go to??? To broaden their horizons? To enhance their education? To help them gain independence? To stand them on their own two feet? To meet life’s problems and battles face to face and learn how to fight and work through them? To make friends for life and possibly meet someone special? To learn to be a normal, functioning and contributing human being? 
 

And was Sarah allowed to go? Nope

Because college is for heathens. Steve and Teri were just the only lucky people to come out alive.

One might suspect that Steve and Terry know their homeschool curriculum left their kids totally unprepared for college-level coursework.

[Bethy]

On 2/18/2021 at 2:05 PM, louannems said:

Not to mention the fact that people don't get vasectomies without lots and lots of discussion first.  Hopefully they both agreed it was the best thing for the entire family. It sounded to me like Steve pretty much decided on his reversal with hardly any input from Teri.

And whereas I would think any doctor performing a vasectomy reversal would hopefully want input from the man's wife who is likely to have to go through pregnancy again, possibly multiple times if the procedure is successful, I can picture Teri providing about as much give-and-take input as Mary did when the orthodontist asked about her preference for treatment - "Whatever my mommy wants."

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Free breakdown of the latest Mom's Corner. Even the title is a doozy: How to Overcome Discouragement for the Homeschool Mom. Homeschool Mom is not good english and it seems discouragement is a euphemism for depression.

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I regularly have moms write who are struggling with discouragement, negative thoughts, and even depression. I understand and empathize with these moms. I look back on my younger years, early in our homeschooling days, and that was me. We had great expectations for our daily walk with the Lord in family life, and then I was discouraged if life, or more specifically my reaction to life events, didn’t meet my expectations. Those happenings could range from spilled milk at breakfast to the difficulties of teaching children to be kind to each other or obey Mommy and Daddy to living with chronic pain—the whole gamut of daily life.

It makes me sad that moms write to Teri. The moms would be better off finding a therapist or a doctor to deal with chronic pain.

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Our mind is an incubator for problems when we harbor negative thoughts, discouragement, or depression. What we do with our minds influences how we feel. If we let negative, stress-filled thoughts stay and put down roots, then we will be pulled lower and lower emotionally. But if we battle those negative thoughts with the truth of the Word, then we have done this: “Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked” (Ephesians 6:16). Satan wants to cripple or destroy us with destructive thoughts. God wants to protect us through faith in Him. Practically speaking how would this work?

 I agree many people struggle with negative thoughts. Of course Christians raise these thoughts to the level of God and Satan. Pushing away negative thoughts is a good idea. 

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I just had a mom mention things that derailed her and discouraged her. They were a baby taking off a messy diaper before she got to him on waking up and then another day it was ants in the kitchen. So let’s take the baby’s mess as an example and walk through wrong versus right thinking.

These are fairly mundane problems for Satan to be sending negative thoughts into your head! "Ugh, I have to clean up the baby." sounds a normal reaction and not the work of Satan. No wonder people are discouraged, depressed or tired out. Every little thing becomes about how Satan is influencing you and you need to chose God. Neither of these problems sound like there's divine or satanic intervention. 

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TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS CAPTIVE

Here is our theme verse of truth: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). 

This mom can think:
This is so hard.
I don’t have time to deal with this.
Why do these things always happen?
I don’t want to have to deal with this.
I am so discouraged.
I can’t handle this.

Again, this is really mundane thoughts to be sent by the devil. He is really in the details. 

Also it seems like a rather judgmental thing to tell someone who is overwhelmed.  Your negative thoughts are caused by satan an you must stop thinking like this, because Satan will win if you don't. Personally that sounds like this is adding more stress. 

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Or she can take those thoughts captive with Scriptures like: 
“In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

She thinks:
Thank You, Lord, for this sweet, stinky little guy. Thank You for a washing machine. Thank You that I can praise and worship You, while I clean up. Thank You that I can talk to my children and sing with them as we do this work.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). 

She thinks: 
Lord, You allowed this mess to happen, and You will give me strength to clean it up and then accomplish what You have for me to do today.

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you”  (1 Peter 5:7). 

She thinks:
Lord, You know I don’t feel I have time to deal with this, but I give it to You to be Your problem, not mine. Thank You that You care for me and that I can do all things through Your strength in me.

This sounds even more exhausting. I get quoting a favorite book (or song or even movie, etc.) can make things better. I also think it can be a good idea to remind yourself that things could be worse or that you take the good with the bad. 

It also sounds like we're adding to her-to-do list and raising the expectations. Managing expectations is also important for dealing with stress.

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PRACTICE IT 

It is simple for me to write, but I know it is truly the spiritual battle that Ephesians 6 tells us about. Whether you are young or old, single, or with a family, you probably have negative, discouraging thoughts from time to time or frequently. Why don’t you try as Jim Berg tells us in his great book, God Is More Than Enough, saying to yourself: STOP/THINK. Then say or read (if you don’t have it memorized) an appropriate Scripture and put the right thoughts into your mind. Try it. Then let me know what you think of that instead of letting the negative thoughts stagnate and rule your mind. I love to hear from you!

Busy moms with hoards of young children might not have time to stop and think. It's something Teri probably didn't consider. Also while some of this is psychologically sound, it sounds like we're recommending that people who are very stressed don't see a therapist. 

I'm ending this by posting a one-star review for God Is More Than Enough by Jim Berg. The review is by an Amazon reviewer.

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I had high hopes for this book, and I loved the first chapter, but after that, the content is very stuffy, and he ends most of the other chapters with rave reviews for how his book helped other people. He also dismissed mental health issues like depression as a faith issue and nothing more.
I feel like the “solutions” and ideas in this book are misguided and from a time when mental health was not understood, and as it was for me, can be harmful to someone struggling with those issues.

 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Bluebirdbluebell

[freejugar]

Supressing negative thoughts doesn't work. It's like telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant.

You have to disarm them in some other way, preferably with the help of a professional.

[fundiewatch]

30 minutes ago, freejugar said:

Supressing negative thoughts doesn't work. It's like telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant.

You have to disarm them in some other way, preferably with the help of a professional.

This is a little oversimplified. I’ve done a lot of DBT (as a therapist) and we spend a lot of time on skills like limiting the time we spend focusing on negatives, drawing out positives etc. There are a lot of things Terri describes that are functional skills for dealing with depression. They are just all written in weird God language. With an emphasis on shame. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

16 minutes ago, freejugar said:

Supressing negative thoughts doesn't work. It's like telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant.

You have to disarm them in some other way, preferably with the help of a professional.

Suppressing doesn't work, I agree.  

Fwiw what I've found that helps me when caught in a loop of negative thinking is to have a quiet moment where I acknowledge the thoughts and make an action plan of how to address whatever is bothering me.  Then as rumination isn't helpful, I consciously try to think of something else when things start playing on a loop in my head.  I acknowledge that I am having these thoughts that make me anxious, see if there is anything productive I can do to fix the situation that's stressing me out, and then try to think of something else or lose myself in research or a distraction for a bit.  Sometimes engaging intellectually in either challenging research or math/technical problem and other times it's as simple as losing myself in some manual labor and knocking out physical tasks.  

But that's what works for me.  I know people with depression and more pronounced anxiety need better tools and therapy and/or medication can be really beneficial.  

Honestly, I cannot imagine anyone taking tips on how to be less negative, anxious, or depressed from Teri as she comes off as absolutely miserable and resentful even when she's saying what she thinks are positive things.  

The reverencing Steve on the ordering pizza thing is one of the first things I'd read about her.  As a total outsider I was blown away by how she clearly thought she was telling an encouraging story about submitting to her husband's authority (which for them in a positive thing) but all I read was passive aggressiveness and her resenting the heck out of Steve.  To this day I think she was bummed he remembered to order the pizza.

This will probably sound cruel, but whatever sympathy for her I may have been able to muster vanished when she aided and abetted Steve in oppressing their kids and denying them any positive experiences by keeping them homeschooled and isolated with someone who resented the very fact that children require care.

Children also need love and joy to grow up healthy.

I remember reading in one of Judith Martin's (Miss Manners) books once that her father, an educator, once said (I'm paraphrasing) he could tell the kids who will turn out well not by their grades or behavior but by whether or not their parents beamed when they saw or spoke about them.  

I'm not sure it's ever happened, but I think Steve is far more likely to beam at his kids and grands than Teri.  Even then I'd bet it would be for accomplishments or obedience and not just love of who they are...it's so sad.

All I ever wanted for mine was to be happy, healthy, and safe.  Other than that I never had plans or specific dreams for mine except that they would live lives where they would find fulfillment and love in whatever form that takes for them.  That they'd be who they are meant to be and yeah....as a control freak sometimes it's scary watching them make choices that aren't as risk averse and I'd like....but it's so cool seeing them become their adult selves.

What I don't get about fundies, and Steve and Teri take the cake, are how they have the same expectations and life plans for each of their kids.  I have three and while of course there are similarities from both nature and nurture, they are radically different people.  Their temperaments, strengths, interests, personalities....there is no life plan that could possibly fit all of them.  I can't imagine how riddled with anxiety I'd be if I felt that was my job.

The way I see it, my job is to support them as much as I can as they find their own paths.  God help them if I had to navigate their paths as well. 

 

[bertnee]

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I just had a mom mention things that derailed her and discouraged her. They were a baby taking off a messy diaper before she got to him on waking up and then another day it was ants in the kitchen.

I had to read this three time before I figured out what she was saying. 

 

[PennySycamore]

I recently watched the PBS special Nancy Zieman: Extraordinary Grace about the seamstress extraordinaire and host of Sewing with Nancy for almost forty years until she lost her life to breast and bone cancer.  Nancy had faced a number of challenges in life beginning with being stricken with Bell's Palsy as a toddler with paralyzed the left side of her face.  Nancy was a Lutheran and taught kids in Sunday School for many years.  Anyway Nancy pointed out that the verse says "give thanks in all things" which is very different from "give thanks for all things."  Nancy would not have expected that the mom should be grateful that her kid took his diaper off and neither should Teri expect that.

[treemom]

That is some creepy religious cult toxic positivity. 

[FiveAcres]

On 3/15/2021 at 6:56 PM, PennySycamore said:

I recently watched the PBS special Nancy Zieman: Extraordinary Grace about the seamstress extraordinaire and host of Sewing with Nancy for almost forty years until she lost her life to breast and bone cancer.  Nancy had faced a number of challenges in life beginning with being stricken with Bell's Palsy as a toddler with paralyzed the left side of her face.  Nancy was a Lutheran and taught kids in Sunday School for many years.  Anyway Nancy pointed out that the verse says "give thanks in all things" which is very different from "give thanks for all things."  Nancy would not have expected that the mom should be grateful that her kid took his diaper off and neither should Teri expect that.

I watched a lot of Zieman's videos. I was always so impressed about her calm acceptance about the obvious partial paralysis of her face. I suffered from Bell's Palsy as an adult and it was a worrisome six weeks while I waited for it to pass away, which the neurologist told me would probably happen. This was before Dr Google so at least I wasn't terrorizing myself doing online research.

[Jana814]

Their is a man from my temple who has Bell’s palsy. He got it some time in the late 1980’s and never fully recovered. But he has lived a full life even with his partially paralyzed face. 

[MamaJunebug]

Two of my favorite people on earth have facial paralysis, both since infancy. One’s isn’t as noticeable lately as her faceages (& droops), the other has some misshapenness.

They’re adored and treasured by SO MANY people in addition to li’l ole me.  Huh...both were raised Lutheran! Lime Nancy Z, rest her soul. I guess all 3 learned thanks “in” all things. Thank you, @PennySycamore! I never made that connection before.  
 

Poor Teri.  Thinking anti-depressants are bad. Mine are keeping me alive! B 

[Caroline]

I can imagine that bowing down to your husband and caring for and educating a bunch of kids is very stressful.  

Being a professional with a lot of responsibilities to other people and trying to keep it all going with your partner who also works at a demanding job is stressful too.  But for me the difference is that professions can be personally fulfilling and rewarding in ways that get you outside of yourself.  When you go to work every day you can't help but learn about the different points of view of others, discuss what's going on in the world, help someone in ways you might not expect.   

My husband and I were lucky enough to do both:  have fulfilling careers and raise a child.  Not that the child is an adult we still have those fulfilling careers that are all about us and our unique contributions to the bigger world.  I also know from talking to our grown up  child that our careers gave her a sense of pride and exposed her to many educational and career options of her own.  

i wonder what regrets some of these SAH moms of (too ) many have when everyone is grown up and potentially gone.   I wonder if this is one of the reasons the kids are encouraged to stay home until they marry, and if they don't marry they're stuck.  Sounds dismal for all involved to me.   And getting discouraged because of a baby's natural bodily function?  What the heck did you sign up for???  

[HerNameIsBuffy]

7 minutes ago, Caroline said:

Being a professional with a lot of responsibilities to other people and trying to keep it all going with your partner who also works at a demanding job is stressful too.  But for me the difference is that professions can be personally fulfilling and rewarding in ways that get you outside of yourself.

You're a woman using your mind and talents to contribute something to the world, but does anyone think about your poor husband who (I'm assuming) has to squeeze out his own toothpaste while you're out ignoring him, interacting with others, sometimes in pants?!

Won't anyone think of the poor men who are abandoned with nothing but a tube of Crest and a interesting, accomplished wife?

Sad.

 

 

[GreenBeans]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

You're a woman using your mind and talents to contribute something to the world, but does anyone think about your poor husband who (I'm assuming) has to squeeze out his own toothpaste while you're out ignoring him, interacting with others, sometimes in pants?!

Won't anyone think of the poor men who are abandoned with nothing but a tube of Crest and a interesting, accomplished wife?

Sad.

 

 

Same here! Even worse, I leave him on his own with a baby (including ALL the messy diapers) while I’m off to work - with lots of male colleagues, no less. Who I talk to. Or get lunch with. Or have meetings with. On my own. Without a chaperone. And sometimes with contrasting buttons on a blouse. Not to mention the pants. How have we not gotten divorced yet?

It’s crazy how much fundies limit themselves and those around them. I’d be miserable if I wasn’t allowed to work. I love my job, it’s fun and challenging, and despite being stressful at times, it helps balance me out and look forward to spending time with baby boy. If I was forced to focus my life on nothing but housework and childcare 24/7, that would be so awful not only for me, but also for the relationship to my husband, our child and our overall family dynamics. Not every woman is cut out to be a SAHM (and I doubt Teri was/is).

If God makes no mistakes (as fundies seem to assume), how can they not appreciate the different, unique qualities, traits and talents god gave to each person? Isn’t it ignoring (or even defying) God’s will to force every woman into the role of a SAHM, even the ones who are smart, brilliant, thriving at education and work? And, vice versa, to force every man into the role of headship and sole provider. Not every man is cut out for that, either.

[Jana814]

I don’t think Teri was cut out to be a SAHM either. The issue that she had was she married an ass hole like Steve who convinced her that working outside the home was wrong. Steve had some deep seeded issues because I’m sure his mother had to work after she divorced his father so he vowed to make sure he had a wife they didn’t work. 

Edited March 19, 2021 by Jana814

[fundiefan]

13 hours ago, Jana814 said:

I don’t think Teri was cut out to be a SAHM either. The issue that she had was she married an ass hole like Steve who convinced her that working outside the home was wrong. Steve had some deep seeded issues because I’m sure his mother had to work after she divorced his father so he vowed to make sure he had a wife they didn’t work. 

I think Teri would have thrived in a science field. Very meticulous, scheduled, step by step, no variance of those steps. Follow what must be done to the letter. What was her unused degree in? I think in a job where everything is clearly defined, she would have been able to get lost in her work and maybe get some enjoyment out of it and accomplishments. 

Being a mother left too much to be decided by her, too much that can go in directions opposing what is planned. Real human beings, even those you make yourself, don't follow along without variance. I don't think she is equipped for the decision making, proactive parts of life. She needs every step laid out and determined so she can just follow along.

That is not parenting, or homeschooling. 

I really see her as a cautionary tale. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

30 minutes ago, fundiefan said:

I think Teri would have thrived in a science field. Very meticulous, scheduled, step by step, no variance of those steps. Follow what must be done to the letter. What was her unused degree in? I think in a job where everything is clearly defined, she would have been able to get lost in her work and maybe get some enjoyment out of it and accomplishments. 

If the working version of Teri could learn to open her mind to continual improvement and the idea that you can critically assess new ideas rather than rejecting any change out of hand she may have had the protentional to be an excellent internal auditor.  Rule following, methodical, adherence to current procedure until an authorized change, eye for non-conformance....those things are hard to teach.

Idk if she'd ever have the soft skills to do it well and build rapport which is necessary to show audits as a tool for improvement rather than a punitive game of gotcha, but if not she can sit in an office alone and audit records and we'll have those with actual people skills interact with others.  

That said .... wouldn't have to worry about her turning a blind eye to non conformances out of friendship, misplaced compassion, or the need to be liked.  She clearly gives no f's about being liked....I can work with that.

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by HerNameIsBuffy

[GreenBeans]

4 hours ago, fundiefan said:

I think Teri would have thrived in a science field. Very meticulous, scheduled, step by step, no variance of those steps. Follow what must be done to the letter. What was her unused degree in? I think in a job where everything is clearly defined, she would have been able to get lost in her work and maybe get some enjoyment out of it and accomplishments. 

Being a mother left too much to be decided by her, too much that can go in directions opposing what is planned. Real human beings, even those you make yourself, don't follow along without variance. I don't think she is equipped for the decision making, proactive parts of life. She needs every step laid out and determined so she can just follow along.

That is not parenting, or homeschooling. 

I really see her as a cautionary tale. 

Wasn’t her degree in chemistry? That would absolutely match what you wrote - laboratory work usually requires carefully following a detailed, step-by-step process and meticulous documentation, and the reward is that, if you did everything right, you get a perfectly foreseeable reaction and outcome.

So basically the opposite of what you get in child raising and home schooling. No wonder she struggled.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

But any kind of career where she had autonomy would be a huge obstacle.  
 

no one blindly follows a Steve Maxwell, to their own detriment, for over 40 years without a real need to have someone else take full responsibility for everything.  If she wasn’t getting something out of that dynamic she wouldn’t have been able to tolerate it for almost half a century.

Steve’s an asshole but in some ways Teri is even worse.  He at least believes the nonsense he spouts is what’s best for his family.  She didn’t even bother to fight back for her kids as long as he carried the load.

Obviously speculation on the last bit as I don’t know their thoughts, but I do think she’d be miserable in any life she lived as long as she refuses to own her own choices good or bad.

If they were my parents I’d find it easier to forgive him than her.

[SassyPants]

I am not sure why anyone would take parenting advice from either Steve or Teri. They have basically infantilized their own daughters and prevented them from ever moving away from their parents or planning and living self motivated or goal filled lives. How come Steve has not had any serious gentleman callers for ANY of his daughters? These girls are happy, pure ( Steve value) and pretty, each in her own way. Why no interest shown? Steve HAS FAILED those girls. Even Gil and JB have married daughters...

Edited March 19, 2021 by SassyPants