It's Been 9 Years

[fundiefan]

I do remember you! In fact, I still get your new blog posts in my Feedly feed (clearly I don't update things often!) I just read about your rabbit - sorry to hear about his troubles & hope he is mending!

Because I still see your blog posts, I've sort of followed as you've made changes. I've seen you struggle sometimes. I've wanted to offer you a shoulder other times. Clearly you've gone through some stuff in the past decade and it's good to know that you've gone through some of i "willingly" - as in, nothing happened "to" you - you used your own self to make conclusions, even as you struggled with all you'd been taught & believed. I am also really glad to know your husband is as supportive as he is and in his mother/family, you have found some foundational support. 

It's not easy becoming your own person under the best of circumstances. Doing so after a life of religious - or any other deeply ingrained - doctrine/upbringing/beliefs is something that takes extra strength with a delicate balance. You seem to be navigating that well enough - with the help of all your support. That's epic. 

[Bexi]

1 hour ago, fundiefan said:

I do remember you! In fact, I still get your new blog posts in my Feedly feed (clearly I don't update things often!) I just read about your rabbit - sorry to hear about his troubles & hope he is mending!

Because I still see your blog posts, I've sort of followed as you've made changes. I've seen you struggle sometimes. I've wanted to offer you a shoulder other times. Clearly you've gone through some stuff in the past decade and it's good to know that you've gone through some of i "willingly" - as in, nothing happened "to" you - you used your own self to make conclusions, even as you struggled with all you'd been taught & believed. I am also really glad to know your husband is as supportive as he is and in his mother/family, you have found some foundational support. 

It's not easy becoming your own person under the best of circumstances. Doing so after a life of religious - or any other deeply ingrained - doctrine/upbringing/beliefs is something that takes extra strength with a delicate balance. You seem to be navigating that well enough - with the help of all your support. That's epic. 

My bunny is doing okay, thank you for your well wishes! I'm still trying to find a vet so fingers crossed. 

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scrub my old blog off of the internet, but I need to remember. I need to remember what fundamentalism did to me. Someday I will private it, there's a lot of good non-religious stuff still on there. Especially the family pictures or trips. It was a journal for me.

My journey navigating through leaving fundamentalism has not been easy at all. Its really hard to have to accept that everything you believed is wrong or greatly misunderstood. Its hard to see people I've looked up to all my life be unmasked by my new perspective. It's emotionally draining. I want to give up often. Those questions of "what if they were telling the truth and I'm in the wrong for leaving?" 

My past is always going to be there, haunting me. I get nightmares frequently, flashbacks, panic attacks. Religious "stuff" in general causes pretty intense anxiety. My mom will message me a Bible verses, or ask me to watch that church's livestreams. I just message back "thanks" its not worth the argument.  

 

 

[fundiefan]

Just now, Bexi said:

My bunny is doing okay, thank you for your well wishes! I'm still trying to find a vet so fingers crossed. 

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scrub my old blog off of the internet, but I need to remember. I need to remember what fundamentalism did to me. Someday I will private it, there's a lot of good non-religious stuff still on there. Especially the family pictures or trips. It was a journal for me.

My journey navigating through leaving fundamentalism has not been easy at all. Its really hard to have to accept that everything you believed is wrong or greatly misunderstood. Its hard to see people I've looked up to all my life be unmasked by my new perspective. It's emotionally draining. I want to give up often. Those questions of "what if they were telling the truth and I'm in the wrong for leaving?" 

My past is always going to be there, haunting me. I get nightmares frequently, flashbacks, panic attacks. Religious "stuff" in general causes pretty intense anxiety. My mom will message me a Bible verses, or ask me to watch that church's livestreams. I just message back "thanks" its not worth the argument.  

 

 

It is entirely ok to not engage. Even with people you love. Your mom's messages? Great use of your boundaries. Don't engage, just say thanks & move on. Time doesn't truly heal all wounds, but it does give us experience to cope, and new things to overshadow it. Have you seen a therapist? Having a 3rd party, removed from all the emotions and history of family, is a really good way to talk through your fears, doubts, etc. It might help with those nightmares. 

I wish you the best as you continue to navigate the becoming of yourself. IM if you ever want to just chat or vent or anything. I haven't left fundamentalism, but I left a life that required an entire upheaval & change of all I believed of myself and my life. It took a long time and ten years later I still struggle with things. But, I've been helped along the way by countless people, not only "real life" family & friends, but people on the good old Internet - some I "knew", some I didn't. I am always available to pay that forward for anyone who needs it. 

[Smash!]

Hi, congrats on leaving fundamentalism. I can only imagine how hard it was and still is, since I assume you turned away from a lot of friends and family. Are you still close to the three other of the four brides who got engaged within months after you? if so how did they react to you breaking away? Please feel free to not answer if it‘s too personal!

[Bexi]

1 hour ago, fundiefan said:

It is entirely ok to not engage. Even with people you love. Your mom's messages? Great use of your boundaries. Don't engage, just say thanks & move on. Time doesn't truly heal all wounds, but it does give us experience to cope, and new things to overshadow it. Have you seen a therapist? Having a 3rd party, removed from all the emotions and history of family, is a really good way to talk through your fears, doubts, etc. It might help with those nightmares. 

I wish you the best as you continue to navigate the becoming of yourself. IM if you ever want to just chat or vent or anything. I haven't left fundamentalism, but I left a life that required an entire upheaval & change of all I believed of myself and my life. It took a long time and ten years later I still struggle with things. But, I've been helped along the way by countless people, not only "real life" family & friends, but people on the good old Internet - some I "knew", some I didn't. I am always available to pay that forward for anyone who needs it. 

Thanks for the well wishes, I do see a therapist once a month. Its been very helpful. 

I know a few girls I grew up with that left fundiedom as well. I don't know them very well now but we have commiserated a few times on our childhood experiences. One the flip side i also know some who went deeper in the fundamentalism. 

 

8 minutes ago, Smash! said:

Hi, congrats on leaving fundamentalism. I can only imagine how hard it was and still is, since I assume you turned away from a lot of friends and family. Are you still close to the three other of the four brides who got engaged within months after you? if so how did they react to you breaking away? Please feel free to not answer if it‘s too personal!

I am not super close to any of them. One girl left fundamentalism, one girl went deep into it (and joined like 6 MLMs over the years) and the last girl I've seen once in a while, our husbands are good friends. She is still pretty religious but i don't know how fundie she is. 

The one girl who is deep in fundamentalism has scolded me online for suggesting that the current president is using Christianity as a prop. Fun

[zcccrv]

Hi Bexi! I've e been reading your blog since before you were married and still check it out periodicaly. I even left you a comment one or two times (sasa) which is something I hardly ever do. I've always liked you and I'm glad you're doing ok. 

[GlitterJam]

Hi Bexi. I'm afraid I don't know you (I'm a relative newcomer) but I just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world.

On another note, I stopped by your blog and wish your rabbit health. Also, I love kea too!

[Columbia]

On 9/10/2020 at 5:39 PM, Bexi said:

They didn't know, obviously, that I was a victim of child on child molestation and that I carried a ton of guilt at the time. I've now realized that yeah, I was ages 3 to 9 when this was happening and I was not to blame AT ALL. 

I’m so very sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt to carry that all those years. Do you have any hope of justice against your abuser?

[NonSOTDRT Teacher]

I haven’t read your blog so I don’t know what is wrong with your bunny, but I know that Oxbow Critical Care has saved my bunny more than once. A little over a year ago, I thought I was going to lose him. His wasn’t eating and was starting to lose his balance, but just giving him that helped. Within a day he was acting like his happy goof ball self. Since then, I’ve always made sure that I have a bag of the Critical Care in my fridge just in case. 

[Bexi]

1 hour ago, Columbia said:

I’m so very sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt to carry that all those years. Do you have any hope of justice against your abuser?

I've not pursued justice against him, he is 2 or 3 years older than me. I was 3 and he was 5 or 6 when the molestation started. I wonder now if he was being sexually abused or exposed to sexual things? I was like 9 or 10 when I told him I was not comfortable with him undressing and touching me. 

I was way more pissed off that my parents never got me counseling after I told my mom what had happened (I was 12). I remember being terrified I was going to get a spanking. 

I found out about 2 years ago that my parents are kinda in denial about the whole thing. I told my mom it happened quite a few times over the years, she said that she thought it was a one time incident... that we were never at the kid's house (his mom babysat us  at her house so that's not true)

I've gotten sexual abuse counseling since I've been married, i don't carry guilt anymore. 

 

3 hours ago, GlitterJam said:

Hi Bexi. I'm afraid I don't know you (I'm a relative newcomer) but I just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best and all the happiness in the world.

On another note, I stopped by your blog and wish your rabbit health. Also, I love kea too!

Thank you so much! Kea are so awesome! I'm obsessed with birds. 

 

1 hour ago, NonSOTDRT Teacher said:

I haven’t read your blog so I don’t know what is wrong with your bunny, but I know that Oxbow Critical Care has saved my bunny more than once. A little over a year ago, I thought I was going to lose him. His wasn’t eating and was starting to lose his balance, but just giving him that helped. Within a day he was acting like his happy goof ball self. Since then, I’ve always made sure that I have a bag of the Critical Care in my fridge just in case. 

http://unusualmaidenbutterflydays.blogspot.com this is my current blog, I don't update as often anymore.

Thank you for the info, my bunny is doing okay. He is 7 now so his age is starting to show. I've had him since he was 9 weeks old. I know he will pass on some day, but man I am not ready for that. I thought i was but nope. That little guy has my heart ❤ 

[Marmion]

19 hours ago, Bexi said:

Thank you for the info, my bunny is doing okay. He is 7 now so his age is starting to show. I've had him since he was 9 weeks old. I know he will pass on some day, but man I am not ready for that. I thought i was but nope. That little guy has my heart ❤

You must be doing something right , for your rabbit to have lived as long as it has .  None of my pet rabbits had ever lived as long , two years at most .  From what I have heard , rabbits tend not to live as long as cats or dogs , for example . Anyway , I wish you and your family , including your pets , well .  

[Bexi]

6 hours ago, Marmion said:

You must be doing something right , for your rabbit to have lived as long as it has .  None of my pet rabbits had ever lived as long , two years at most .  From what I have heard , rabbits tend not to live as long as cats or dogs , for example . Anyway , I wish you and your family , including your pets , well .  

Rabbits can live up to 10 years, some can live up to 12 years. Some of the things I've done with my rabbit that I think has helped him live this long so far. He is an indoor rabbit only, is litter trained, interacted with quite frequently, given lots of hay and greens. He gets out-of-cage time in a bunny-proofed room and is able to go back into his cage if he needs the litter box, or water. Also he gets lots of head pets and ear rubs. He will lick my hand to "groom" me before shoving his whole head under my hand for more petting. 

My cat is too skittish to get too close to the rabbit but they will take turns chasing one another. Usually the cat just finds a higher perch to watch the rabbit run around. The cat will meow for me to let the rabbit out some times. 

 

Edited September 15, 2020 by Bexi
spelling correction

[Smash!]

You have a beautiful cat [emoji7] Is it a ragdoll? OMG I‘m cracking up on the story about how he „tells“ you to open the cage [emoji23]

[smittykins]

I used to have a pink-eyed white rabbit named Snowball.  When my husband and I decided to get a kitten, we took Snowball to our local shelter because we feared they might not get along, which I kind of regret now.(Snowball was eventually adopted.)

[Bexi]

8 hours ago, Smash! said:

You have a beautiful cat Is it a ragdoll? OMG I‘m cracking up on the story about how he „tells“ you to open the cage

Yes Oliver is a ragdoll, at least we think so. He is kinda small for a ragdoll but he completely fits everything else. The lady we got him from told us he is a Ragdoll. Maybe he was a runt? 

Oh yes, he is quite demanding! The cat will meow and lead me to whatever he wants. So he will start meowing loudly, lead me to the rabbit cage, sit next to it and start meowing again. ?

 

3 hours ago, smittykins said:

I used to have a pink-eyed white rabbit named Snowball.  When my husband and I decided to get a kitten, we took Snowball to our local shelter because we feared they might not get along, which I kind of regret now.(Snowball was eventually adopted.)

Rabbits are sadly massively misunderstood pets. A lot of rabbits end up in shelters because people got bored / new baby / new pet. I hope with the internet and forums now that people will understand better about how awesome rabbits can be as pets. So many people grew up with rabbits as lawn decorations ? just sitting in a hutch. I hope people see my bunny and maybe give a pet rabbit a real chance! 

 

[copyed]

Hi there -- I've been lowkey following you for a while and wonder if you've considered writing about your experience. Another ex-fundie who posts here, Autumn, has mentioned she's working on her memoir. You both have interesting experiences with some common threads yet both of you have unique aspects of your process of disentangling from the belief system.

My interest in the subject stems from my experience as a teenager living next door to a quiverfull family. There were clearly some bad things going on there but I had next to no experience/understanding of IFB (my hometown was heavily Catholic), and even though some of the kids were around my age, we did not become pals.

 

[Audrey2]

I know we've gotten into quite a few discussions in the Duggar and Bates threads, with some being hopeful and looking for signs that person is becoming less fundie, while others are saying it's not a real change.  What kinds of changes would lead you to believe that someone is thinking of distancing themself from being a fundie and what are more superficial changes? How long would you say the process of moving from Fundie to mainstream Christian is?