It's Been 9 Years

[Bexi]

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this but I really hope that maybe someone I interacted with on FJ about 9 years ago would find a bit of hope in this.

I used to be a fundie Baptist young woman blogger, I ran a blog called "A Rather Unusual Maiden for God" back in 2009-2011. I also had a few threads on FJ talking with members of the forum 

I have thought about you guys over the past 9 years. I owe you guys a lot for contributing to my current life and happiness. 

I was a vulnerable young woman living in a toxic fundie hell hole. I was emotionally abused by people I trusted. I left fundiedom back in 2013. When I first started interacting with FJ I actually was starting to question things about my religious upbringing. Reading perspectives on life that were not fundie was critical to me leaving. 

If anyone who remembers me is still on FJ, thank you. I'm open to answering questions about my experience leaving the fundie movement and all the drama that has come with that decision. A lot has happened in 9 years.

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by Coconut Flan
grammar

[Italiangirl]

Hello, I'm relatively new here (it like 3? 4? Year's I follow and write in Fj) and I want to hug you for your courage to leave that life behind you, and even if I don't know you I'm so happy to hear that you have found happiness and a good life. It is so good to see that we as a community have helped someone somehow even just talking and sharing our experience. Thank you for your bravery and keep writing. 

[ignorantobserver]

Hello ! I am a recent member and hadn't heard of your blog until now. Thank you for talking about your journey ! It must have taken a lot of courage to leave that environment. As you offered to answer questions, may I ask if you remember something in particular from your discussions on Freejinger ? What were the "perspectives on life" that you found interesting and new ? Did you initially think people here were persecuting Christians, doing Satan's work, or did you feel they were being unkind ? Or just misguided ? And what changed first in your attitude towards your upbringing ? What did you decide to do differently, in what ways did you feel you were different from your family or church ? (If that's too many questions, please ignore them and accept my apologies !)

[Bexi]

26 minutes ago, ignorantobserver said:

Hello ! I am a recent member and hadn't heard of your blog until now. Thank you for talking about your journey ! It must have taken a lot of courage to leave that environment. As you offered to answer questions, may I ask if you remember something in particular from your discussions on Freejinger ? What were the "perspectives on life" that you found interesting and new ? Did you initially think people here were persecuting Christians, doing Satan's work, or did you feel they were being unkind ? Or just misguided ? And what changed first in your attitude towards your upbringing ? What did you decide to do differently, in what ways did you feel you were different from your family or church ? (If that's too many questions, please ignore them and accept my apologies !)

I will do my best to answer your questions! 

1. What were the "perspectives on life" that you found interesting and new?

It was a tough one to deal with, but the discussions about rape victims was really important. My religious upbringing taught that the victim of rape could carry some blame. Some Fj members responded pretty harshly that I was wrong. They didn't know, obviously, that I was a victim of child on child molestation and that I carried a ton of guilt at the time. I've now realized that yeah, I was ages 3 to 9 when this was happening and I was not to blame AT ALL. 

2. Did you initially think people here were persecuting Christians, doing Satan's work, or did you feel they were being unkind ? Or just misguided ?

Some responses I received were funny and sweet, others wanted me dead I felt. I guess I felt obligated to "witness" to FJ members. My religious upbringing was big on this idea that if you weren't actively witnessing to people that you didn't care about them, that you might be the only person in their entire life who could witness to them, every opportunity missed meant blood on your hands before God, and that he would demand answers on how I could've been so selfish and not share his truths to the world. 

3. What changed first in your attitude towards your upbringing? In what ways did you feel you were different?

I always had doubts and questions, I was just taught to suppress them. What really made me start questioning things was when I started hearing about more and more respected leaders in the faith getting accused of sexual assualt of minors, cheating on their wives or sexual assaults on adults. I was like wtf, I thought we were supposed to be different? 

Also I realized a lot of people were just plain stupid. Anti vaxxers, moon landing conspiracies, climate change conspiracies, anti science and so on. There were members of the church who wore their piety for all to see but it always felt fake. Like they were trying too hard to be holy. When we had public prayer services it really showed. Members would be trying to one up each other with the longest and most eloquently emotionally manipulative language. Pride was everywhere. 

To quote "Unorthodox" on Netflix, I left because "God demanded too much from me,"

 

 

[Queen Of Hearts]

Welcome! Are you still married? If so, did your husband change his views as well? Also, what is your relationship with your parents/family like since you have evolved? Congratulations on living a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled!

Edited September 11, 2020 by Queen Of Hearts

[Alisamer]

Thank you for coming back and sharing your experiences!

One thing I’m always curious about is the “culture shock” so to speak - like are there things you enjoy now that you would have been horrified by before? Were there big surprises for you, either things you may have been taught were “evil” that turned out to be no big deal at all, or in discovering things about yourself that you’d never have realized if you stayed fundy?

A friend of mine grew up fundamentalist and went to Bob Jones - she’s been out longer than you but there are still occasionally things she doesn’t “get” (most notably having to look up some slang terms when playing Cards Against Humanity). Do you ever find yourself feeling like you missed out on some parts of life you might have enjoyed?

[Eternalbluepearl]

I didn't know you then, but welcome back and I'm proud of you for as the quotation goes...finding yourself in the wrong story and leaving. 

[Caroline]

Hi there!

So glad you're here.  I've read your blog on and off since you started it.  I'm a big fan of your photography.  You're very talented.

When I first encountered your blog I liked your personality.  You seem like a gentle, sensitive person who loves your family.  I couldn't identify with your Christian lifestyle, but I read different blogs like yours because I'm curious about the lifestyle.  I was raised in a very liberal home, was brought up Catholic but a very progressive kind of Catholicism that still didn't appeal to me..  Organized religion makes me nervous and seems like a device to control people.  I respect what others believe as long as their beliefs don't infringe on my legal rights (right to safe abortion, etc.)   

I had the impression even back then when you were still quite young and not yet married that you were still searching for what you believed in.  I think everyone is always searching, and I'm glad you've found some kind of peace in your belief system.  Your husband seems like a kind and considerate person, and I always enjoyed your posts about your families and your obvious love and respect for them (especially your younger siblings).  I'm much, much older than you and I'm happy that you're still exploring who you are and not locked into a black and white life and belief system like so many extreme (IMO) Christians discussed here

Good luck and stay safe!

[Bexi]

39 minutes ago, Queen Of Hearts said:

Welcome! Are you still married? If so, did your husband change his views as well? Also, what is your relationship with your parents/family like since you have evolved? Congratulations on living a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled!

Yes I'm still married to Justin, we just celebrated 9 years together. Regarding my husband's faith is more general Christian and not fundie, although I would say he has refined his beliefs along with me over the years. He still attends his church but I do not attend with him. 

My family does not fully know that I am not fundie because they don't know what that is. They still attend my fundie childhood church and are deep in that belief system, but they would define themselves as Baptists and not fundamentalist. My mom is kind of in denial that myself and 1 other sibling has left. My parents think I'm just backslidden and that i will eventually come back. They don't like that i wear pants. 

I had to cut contact with one of my sisters, she is young and deep in the cultiness. This is unfortunately the reality of leaving my childhood religion.

 

47 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Thank you for coming back and sharing your experiences!

One thing I’m always curious about is the “culture shock” so to speak - like are there things you enjoy now that you would have been horrified by before? Were there big surprises for you, either things you may have been taught were “evil” that turned out to be no big deal at all, or in discovering things about yourself that you’d never have realized if you stayed fundy?

A friend of mine grew up fundamentalist and went to Bob Jones - she’s been out longer than you but there are still occasionally things she doesn’t “get” (most notably having to look up some slang terms when playing Cards Against Humanity). Do you ever find yourself feeling like you missed out on some parts of life you might have enjoyed?

I missed out on 90s kids pop culture and I'm still mad about it. I wish I had the nostalgia for Pokémon, Harry Potter etc. Now as an adult I am obsessed with Pokémon. 

As far as culture shock, yes there definitely was some. I was always taught that people who didn't live like we did were always going to be miserable. That was obviously not true. There are lots of people who are not in faith but are happy. 

As far as "evil" things, the one that surprised me was my love for Horror movies, and video games. I'm decent at gaming and I've played so many great games that wouldn't have been acceptable in my fundue faith. 

I got into doom metal too. Highly recommend Ghost B. C. great band

[Howl]

Were you homeschooled, or did you attend a religious school or public school?

[Bexi]

9 minutes ago, Howl said:

Were you homeschooled, or did you attend a religious school or public school?

I attended a private religious school for 2 years and was homeschooled up through high-school. I went to a religious night school for a Bible "certificate" I had to stretch out my 1 year certificate over 4 years because of cost and my parents had 7 other kids, the youngest was born when I was 17. I was "needed" at home.  

[Tangy Bee]

Yes, I remember you. I use to frequent your blog. You were the first "no touch" Christian courtship I'd heard of at the time. I really enjoyed your blog and was impressed with how open you were about discussing newlywed life. So good to hear you are happy!

[Bexi]

37 minutes ago, Tangy Bee said:

Yes, I remember you. I use to frequent your blog. You were the first "no touch" Christian courtship I'd heard of at the time. I really enjoyed your blog and was impressed with how open you were about discussing newlywed life. So good to hear you are happy!

My family was always hush-hush about things. I hate it. I wanted to be more open about reality and not paint an Instagram worthy portrait of blissful wedded life. I LOVE my husband. But we both had a lot to learn and still learn. I think he is an excellent partner for me, I adore him deeply. We have had rough times and happy times of course. When I've struggled with my depression or panic attacks he is right by my side to support me. When I've been in the hospital he has been there comforting me. He's been the most beautiful and positive part of my life. How i managed to catch his eye is literally either an actual miracle or idk destined by the gods ? 

[ignorantobserver]

Thank you so much for answering all these questions ! Except for the sibling you mentioned, do you know others who have "left" ? Could you guess the percentage of young people who stay in your parents' church ? Those who leave, do they typically lead a very secular life, or do they stay closer to what this board calls "fundie lite" ?

[Bexi]

4 hours ago, ignorantobserver said:

Thank you so much for answering all these questions ! Except for the sibling you mentioned, do you know others who have "left" ? Could you guess the percentage of young people who stay in your parents' church ? Those who leave, do they typically lead a very secular life, or do they stay closer to what this board calls "fundie lite" ?

It's very common for the church's young people to go to college and either marry and move, or just move out of state. My family was one of the more extreme fundie families in the church. I remember my childhood pastor would complain about kids going off to some out of state college and not returning to my childhood church.  My childhood church started an unaccredited Bible college in 2004 or 2005. I'd say half of the incoming students were very fundie, a quarter were normal kids, a quarter were new converts. 

Some of the kids I grew up with live a fundie life, some live more secular. A few like me are like "f this nonsense" and completely leave. 

As far as my own family, my first brother (29) left pretty early on. Dating a catholic girl now. Second brother (27) is very fundie, married and already has 3 kids. (He is still not fundie enough for my parents!) My five other siblings currently live at home, my first sister (21) is deeply fundie and I had to cut off contact with her. Third brother (20) is fundie compliant, but is chill, started a YouTube gaming channel. Fourth brother (18) is fundie compliant, into sports. Fifth brother (16) is pretty cool, no strong religious opinions yet. He just wants to draw and watch anime. Youngest sister is the youngest in the family (14), no strong religious opinions yet. Loves anime and drawing too. 

Its funny because when myself and first 2 brothers were growing up anime was banned. I am not sure what happened, but I think Studio Ghibli movies played a role in my mom not thinking the art style is immediately evil. I know the 5 youngest have watched One Punch Man, Madoka Magika, Demon Slayer, and Naruto. My mom doesn't seem to know what's going on and who they are talking about ?

My husband and I watch anime together. He actually introduced me to Avatar:The Last Airbender on our honeymoon. I know that's not a proper "anime". My first proper anime was Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. I loved it

 

[Alisamer]

I'm glad your younger siblings are able to find things they enjoy that aren't banned! My former-fundie friend managed to get her mom and younger sisters to read Harry Potter at some point and they are now obsessed, which was a huge shock! They weren't even allowed Barbies as children. 

I've never quite understood the "if it's not explicitly JesusJesusJesus it must be evil" concept.

I personally think it's never too late to try new things so I hope you keep finding new things you enjoy! 

Also, we have a Pokemon Go players group here, FYI.

[browngrl]

Hi

I remember you and it may surprise you that I periodically check your blog butterfly days. I could see that at times you were dealing with some issues. I hope that it is of some comfort to know that an internet stranger thought about you and would check back to see if you were ok. Anyway I have no questions. I'm just glad to see you here. 

[ignorantobserver]

How wonderful that your siblings are allowed those hobbies and interests ! (Even though I am quite baffled that it was Studio Ghibli that convinced your mother animes are not evil - I mean, their works are full of traditional Japanese religion, nature spirits, minor gods, witches... shouldn't that count as paganism in your parents' eyes ?)

[Bexi]

1 hour ago, browngrl said:

Hi

I remember you and it may surprise you that I periodically check your blog butterfly days. I could see that at times you were dealing with some issues. I hope that it is of some comfort to know that an internet stranger thought about you and would check back to see if you were ok. Anyway I have no questions. I'm just glad to see you here. 

Thank you for caring. It does mean a lot. 

36 minutes ago, ignorantobserver said:

How wonderful that your siblings are allowed those hobbies and interests ! (Even though I am quite baffled that it was Studio Ghibli that convinced your mother animes are not evil - I mean, their works are full of traditional Japanese religion, nature spirits, minor gods, witches... shouldn't that count as paganism in your parents' eyes ?)

We started with Ponyo. My mom enjoyed the cuteness of the way Sosuke and Ponyo interacted. She thought Ponyo's dad was creepy ?. My mom loves fairytales even if she doesn't realize it. Howl's Moving Castle confused her but she really liked the love story. Spirited away she didn't get, but she liked the anti-greed message. From up On Poppy Hill is probably the most wholesome. It helps that a lot of the animation is genuinely beautiful and not screaming anime boys throwing fireballs ? 

[Bexi]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I'm glad your younger siblings are able to find things they enjoy that aren't banned! My former-fundie friend managed to get her mom and younger sisters to read Harry Potter at some point and they are now obsessed, which was a huge shock! They weren't even allowed Barbies as children. 

I've never quite understood the "if it's not explicitly JesusJesusJesus it must be evil" concept.

I personally think it's never too late to try new things so I hope you keep finding new things you enjoy! 

Also, we have a Pokemon Go players group here, FYI.

my mom can swing wildly back and forth on what us and isn't allowed. I had to get rid of my barbies, later on my 2 younger sisters collected them. Some movies were allowed, and then they weren't. And then they were... i think she would go through a cycle of guilt. My siblings now don't seem to experience such wildly changing standards and I think my mom just is oblivious sometimes. She has had children in her life for 31 years now and is kinda desensitized to certain things? Idk its weird. She's been a mom of teens for way too long ?

Joking aside, I'm glad there's more stability on what my siblings can or can't do. It still sucks because of the religious thing, but at least they aren't getting whiplash like myself and the first 2 boys were. 

 

[Bexi]

17 hours ago, Caroline said:

Hi there!

So glad you're here.  I've read your blog on and off since you started it.  I'm a big fan of your photography.  You're very talented.

When I first encountered your blog I liked your personality.  You seem like a gentle, sensitive person who loves your family.  I couldn't identify with your Christian lifestyle, but I read different blogs like yours because I'm curious about the lifestyle.  I was raised in a very liberal home, was brought up Catholic but a very progressive kind of Catholicism that still didn't appeal to me..  Organized religion makes me nervous and seems like a device to control people.  I respect what others believe as long as their beliefs don't infringe on my legal rights (right to safe abortion, etc.)   

I had the impression even back then when you were still quite young and not yet married that you were still searching for what you believed in.  I think everyone is always searching, and I'm glad you've found some kind of peace in your belief system.  Your husband seems like a kind and considerate person, and I always enjoyed your posts about your families and your obvious love and respect for them (especially your younger siblings).  I'm much, much older than you and I'm happy that you're still exploring who you are and not locked into a black and white life and belief system like so many extreme (IMO) Christians discussed here

Good luck and stay safe!

Aww thank you. I still enjoy photography and recently have been getting into drawing and painting. 

 

And yes, I was starting to question things. Looking back i can see that I was parroting a lot of the indoctrination I received, but I also see glimpses of my struggles peeking through. I wish leaving wasn't so dramatic and emotional painful but, what can ya do. I found comfort in music. There's a song called "Shatter Me" by a girl who was trying to break free from her eating disorder. I didn't have an ED, but I so strongly identified with the concept of trying to break out of my glass prison. 

I feel like it really shows the pain, fear and cost to chose to leave a mindset. I experienced a "shattering" too. The outside is worth it though. The pain was worth it. 

Edited September 11, 2020 by Bexi
Added context

[HideousGreenShirt]

I am so glad that you and your husband have found happiness! Thank you for answering all of our questions. 

I'm curious about your husband's parents and their current religious stance. Are they/were they fundie? Have they changed their views and beliefs? How do they feel about you not attending church with him? 

[Bexi]

4 hours ago, HideousGreenShirt said:

I am so glad that you and your husband have found happiness! Thank you for answering all of our questions. 

I'm curious about your husband's parents and their current religious stance. Are they/were they fundie? Have they changed their views and beliefs? How do they feel about you not attending church with him? 

My in-laws church was sporting the "fundamentalist" name, they dropped it after Pastor C left. Pastor C took over for Pastor A who had gone on to some other ministry. Pastor C was a toxic mess and definitely had no business being a Pastor. Pastor C left and then my husband's uncle actually ended up as a temporary Pastor, eventually voted in as permanent Pastor. 

So Uncle Pastor is Christian but not fundie. My in-laws recognize what fundamentalism does and don't want to be like that. My in-laws would love for me to come to church again but they've seen me break down in tears and have panic attacks about my upbringing. They are very protective of me and act like I'm their flesh and blood. I'm fairly close to my mother-in-law and she never puts pressure on me. 

My husband's sister however is drifting towards fundamentalism, she attends a different church where her husband is an assistant pastor 

 

[The Mother Dust]

Were your parents raised fundie or were they converts?

Edited September 12, 2020 by The Mother Dust

[Bexi]

1 hour ago, The Mother Dust said:

Were your parents raised fundie or were they converts?

My parents were both raised Roman Catholic,  my mom converted first after a co worker talked to her about the faith. My dad converted shortly after