Bro. Gary Hawkins 15: Not Sweet Fellowshipping with JRod - Yet

[thoughtful]

Sunday afternoon service, which seems to have been only about two hours after the previous service. Gary has changed his shirt and tie, though - wonder if he fed something to the ones he had on.

They are singing Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing when the video begins. Poor Jacob can't find where to put this one  in his range - keep trying, kid; this is a pretty one, worth learning! Then Brethren We Have Met to Worship.

Brother LiGreci preaches quietly, often drowned out by Gary's answers and moans. Now he's talking about old-time preachers, who could really heal, unlike the TV preachers today. His mother told him about them.

They don't need dispensation from any Pope, they are all saints, so they don't need sacraments. I swear he says "we don't need a bunch of Cardinals boning on us to see if we made saint or not. God give us that."

This time, he turns things over to Gary at about the ten minute mark. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!

The Hawkinses sing I Can't Quit. Gary reads the David and Goliath story so abysmally that I can't even bear to listen over and over to catch the mistakes - some are the same as the last time he read it, but a few, I think, are new. Highlights are:

KJV: And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance. And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

Bro Gary Version: And when the FLISteens looked about, and saw David, he dis -dained him for he was but a young, and roody, and a fair countenance. And the FLISteens said unto David, I am a dog, that thou cometh to me. And with staves and the FLISteens cursed David and his God.

KJV: Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

BJV: Then David said to the FLISteens, Thou cometh to me with swords, and with spears, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord. Host - of the Host, of the God of the army of Israel, whom thou defiled you know what? ____ (indecipherable) that right there, a lot of things have changed, amen?

He then tells them to turn to Phillipians 6:10, which is what he usually says when he means Ephesians 6:10 - the armor of God routine, with his usual errors, including the "fairy darts of the wicked."

"The FLISteens was a fighting nation and they fought and stuff."

The rest is all shit we've heard before - Christians pick on one another, but not Gary (of all of his hypocrisies, this one always stands out to me - he almost always proves himself wrong within 30 seconds). Infighting looks bad to the lost people.

The only things that are funny or new:

He tries to tell the story of the man who decided not to come to church because he saw a woman from the church in a bar , "dancin' with another man's wife! Did I say that right?" Becky corrects him.

In the middle of his routine about how God feeds them and how lavishly they are rewarded for their work, he tells them that, in one church in Mississippi, he "walked out with zero. But you know what God did? When ah went to the next church, he tripled it."

Gary, 3x0= ?   C'mon, you can do it!

He's not saying they should all give up working "ah'm not tellin' ya t'git rid of yer beehives."

After Gary insisted that Jacob start giving to a missionary, someone started giving Jacob knives to sell, so he could earn money. ?

Edited September 7, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Gary's pronunciation of Philistine got to me:

Gary, get a cluuuue!

FLISteens, meet the FLISteens
They're an ancient nationality!
From the book of Samuel,
But, to Gary they’re a mystery.

David rattled big Goliath’s bones,
Through the courtesy of five smooth stones.
Gary, don’t say “FLISteens,”
Oh, please, Gary get a clue, nerd,
Don’t say that name slurred,
Learn to pronounce that word!

 

[AmazonGrace]

Praise the Lord, today I have quadrupled zero!

[thoughtful]

Becky is so noble, so helpful in these times of trial - I just want to cry. Or maybe do something else with my eyes.

[Seahorse Wrangler]

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

 

After Gary insisted that Jacob start giving to a missionary, someone started giving Jacob knives to sell, so he could earn money. ?

Some-one tried to rope Jacob into selling Vector/Cutco knives. Sounds like they think he should follow the toothpasta/papazzi/tupperwear route.

[Ozlsn]

39 minutes ago, Seahorse Wrangler said:

Some-one tried to rope Jacob into selling Vector/Cutco knives. Sounds like they think he should follow the toothpasta/papazzi/tupperwear route.

Jacob needs to save money so he can get out. I guess his options are pretty limited in terms of earning money right now, although he could probably pick up some cash in hand odd jobs from parishioners as they travel.

[thoughtful]

Tonight's revival service at Bethel begins with O Worship the King. Then Gary moans, "Oh, yes," "Oh Lord," and "amen" as the pastor prays. Then they sing God Lead Us Along.

I don't think I've mentioned yet, that they sing everything a capella, despite having that grand piano in its own pretty round niche. I guess they have nobody to play it.

Spoiler

The pastor mumbles and rambles about having a bookmark, it's  for the guys, maybe he'll have something better tomorrow, and I wait to find out if any of this will make sense.

After some re-listening, I figure it out. It's another game. He's going to read a verse, and the first to tell him where it is in the Bible wins a bookmark.

Because he said it was for the guys, a woman calls out and asks if she can get one. He tells her that there is an ongoing competition - whoever brings in the most people by Wednesday gets a Bible.

Jacob calls out "I got three." I don't know if he means he brought in three people already, or he already has three bibles. Several other people call out "I got _______" with a number, and they all laugh.

A little boy wins the bookmark, identifying https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans 5%3A8&version=KJV

The pastor says he had a church years ago where this game got so competitive "it was scary." He rambles on about a girl with a photographic memory, youth not succumbing to temptation, greets a visitor, talks about a pastor he knows who's "confined to a wheelchair" but his church is still open every Sunday.

I swear he and Gary are like brain-twins. Other than speaking softly, he might as well be Bro G. He says he's not knocking pastures (yes, he also pronounces it that way) that closed their churches for the pandemic, then proceeds to do just that (he says 1-2 weeks would have been acceptable, but no longer). "We're reaping the worldwind because of that."

He doesn't agree with some of their doctrine, but he praises MacArthur and Trieber for keeping their churches open and continuing singing and names other pastors who keep trying to have church and not obey the law, including one that "stood up to them - and they cowered" because "they knew they were stepping on ground they shouldn't step on."

"We want that freedom - 1776, 'n' our Constitution was written, which embraces, and gives us the 2nd Amendment right - uh, 1st Amendment right to worship. Then he backs it up with the 2nd Amendment right that we can pack a gun."

Yo, Pastor! First of all, speaking in full sentences and knowing what pronouns to use might make you easier to understand. Also, the Constitution was ratified and adopted as the law of the land in 1788.  The Bill of Rights, with those amendments, was in 1791.

They sing More About Jesus. The pastor tells them he grew up in the Episcopal church, and he never heard the Gospel, until someone from Youth for Christ came to his school. He joined a Bible quiz group, and was saved by the story of Nicodemus.

He was saved but not discipled, which was a tragedy. He drones on about his time in the military, his roller coaster ride with Jesus, how he will die someday . . .

Oh, sorry - dozed off there.

A mentor once told him "all roads lead to Rome." As far as I can tell, he'd never heard that expression before. And clearly, neither he nor the older man knew what it meant, since the mentor told him to only use the KJV, because all of the others would lead him to Rome, and that was a bad thing.

He tells them to be kind when telling people why the KJV is superior, and Gary, that little hypocrite, says "Amen."

"I don't wanna learn Greek - I don't wanna hear about learning Greek. I took French in high school, and that was enough. And, uh it didn't work anyway when I was in France, so, it was useless, basically ____(mumbling I can't understand).

He goes on about his other favorite book - Webster's 1828 dictionary. It will help you understand the Bible, and know when the government is telling you half-truths, like Doeg told Saul, and Jesus will come, preceded by a cloud, and . . .

OK, Gary's turn. After his usual "It's good to be in church" he adds "I rather be here than in jail" and says something about how they could end up there.

The Hawkinses sing Jesus Passed By  then Becky sings the depressing Only One Hour song.

There is a very loud cricket in the church. Gary tells them they need to pray, then "First Corunth - Corinthians - ah could say it the way Donald Trump does - one Corinthians amen?"

Gary, don't you realize that was your hero showing his un-Christian ass? And it was 2 Corinthians, BTW.

And even this night owl must go to sleep. To be continued tomorrow . . .

[CTRLZero]

I've lost track!  When Becky says they will be home in October, where is home?  Do they have a place of their own? 

[clese]

On 9/7/2020 at 3:36 PM, Ozlsn said:

 

What is gary going about depression?? As someone who has struggled with mental health issues for most of my life I'm intrigued by the churches (and in this case I mean the right wing baptist ones) take on depression and suicide.

I stalk  a preacher on fb who's daughter ended her life tragically at 15. All well and good apparently because she was SAVED. 

I've heard of other youngsters of the hell firing preachers whose children have killed themselves and I wonder what kind of support they get.

Being mentally depressed or whatever is HELL ON EARTH and I could cry for these kids who seemingly get told God will save them...any thoughts?

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, CTRLZero said:

I've lost track!  When Becky says they will be home in October, where is home?  Do they have a place of their own? 

I'm pretty sure they don't. I figure she means the Germanton NC area, probably staying with Gary's parents.

Back to last night's message from Gary and Jiminy ?. Gary does his fake modesty bit about how he wouldn't drive a long distance to hear himself preach, which is just an excuse to tell us about people who have, including tonight's guest.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+6%3A9-20&version=KJV , all about fornication, and read with many errors. The most noteworthy:

KJV (on who will not inherit the Kingdom of God): neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind: Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners
Bro Gary Version: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adultery, nor affect - nor affectionate nor abusers of themselves with mankahnd: Nor thieves, nor covenants, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor exhorters

KJV: ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
BGV: ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the Spirit of the god.

KJV: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.
BGV: therefore glorify God, which your body, and and is and  in your spirit, which is - which  are God's.

You heard it here first - affectionate people are going to Hell!

Lots of stuff we've heard before. New stuff is below:

"Facebook has never raised nobody's dead, but they sure have made the dumb talk amen."

The theme seems to be the body as the temple of God. But he goes to another reading almost immediately. Aw, Gary - I wanted to hear you talk about fornication.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phillipians+2%3A1-5&version=KJV

KJV: Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
BGV: Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being in one mind and one accord, got Baptist preachers cain't do that amen.

KJV: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus
BGV: Look ye not - look - not - every man on his own thangs, but every mans also on the thangs of others. Let your mahnd be in you, which also - in Christ Jesus

"You better be careful what you uhuhuh look in look in the part 'n' your mahnd 'n' fill that junk with it because you you kin remember one thang; you'll never really forgit that stuff."

Did you know Gary used to have a lot of Elvis songs memorized, and now he hates the fact that the devil keeps them in his head? OK, I know that's a repeat, but I couldn't resist. Damn that Satan, creating earworms of Love Me Tender and You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog.

He suspects his daughters, who used to make a fuss if he accidentally lingered on a non-Christian radio station for a few seconds while in the truck, now are OK with the rock music played in the stores where they work. I'm sure Gary thinks they should quit their jobs (unless, of course, they're sending him money).

Proverbs 4:25: Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.

Gary is disgusted by all the junk in the magazine racks at Walmarts, and people on Facebook who say they're saved, then post a picture of two men or two women kissing.

He does his usual screaming rant about TV, with lots of "ah don't give a flip." He says he had Netflix, but got rid of it "real quicklike, ya say wha? 'Cause they got rid of Andy Griffin."

Yeah, that's what he said, but then he switches to his usual anti-Mayberry shit. Gary's gone back and watched "some o' that junk" from his childhood, just to confirm for himself how many of them make fun of God.

When he gets no response to several of his questioning amens (even the cricket has been quiet for a while), he yells "You don't have to say amen, that's OK. Ah'll just hafta say maybe you're GUILTY AMEN!

Brother Hal Stolz "would listen to the race. This is before the races bowed down to all their gods and takin' things away amen. And deuring the commercials, he cut it off, 'cause he didn't wanna hear the beer advertisements."

I think I can interpret that:

the race = something involving NASCAR
bowed down to all their gods = got some common sense and stopped being obvious racist dicks (OK, that's my take on it)
takin' things away =  banning the Confederate flag
cut it off = turned off the TV (or the sound) - at least I hope so!

But I could be wrong.

"D. L. Moody preached against liquor. Ah'm sure all of ya that know anything about D. L. Moody, his son's in Hell raht now screaming ananananand begging God to let him out because he dahd as a drunk 'n' didn't believe what his Daddy preached."

"Ah had to get a holt o' one of mah family members not too long ago, since ah've ben in New York, they ain't wanted to talk to me since, ya say wha? 'cause ah was rough on 'em."

Psalms 78:1 Give ear, O my people, to my law: incline your ears to the words of my mouth.

Lots of screaming about rock music and rock-like Christian music ensues. You've heard it all before.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+2%3A14-17&version=KJV

KJV:  Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place. For we are unto God a sweet savour of Christ
BGV: Now thanks be to God, which also causes us to trumpet in Christ, and maketh manifest the saviour of the knowledge by us in every place. For we are unto God a sweet saviour of Christ

KJV: To the one we are the savour of death unto death; and to the other the savour of life unto life. And who is sufficient for these things? For we are not as many, which corrupt the word of God.
BGV: To the ones that are the saviour of deaf unto the deaf; and to the other the saviour of life unto life. And who is effic - sufficient for these things? For we are now as many, which corrupt the word of God.

Gary, that last sentence is the most honest you've ever been, even though you don't realize it - in fact, you were doing it as you described it!

And would you please stop claiming to be the saviour of Christ - isn't it the other way around?

He does his routine about God wanting you to smell good, then comes back to people needing to come to church, and how he's never slammed anybody for not having church live and in person.

Gary says Becky did find a mask that, if he ever wore a mask, he'd wear. "It's got boogers comin' out, and snot comin' out of the nose. Ah'd wear that. You say wha? Ah'd gross people out. Butchu know what?" (suddenly quiet, solemn) "Ah wonder how many times we gross God out?"

Way to move people with the simple beauty of your faith, Gary. I may weep.

After some more rocking, pointing and screaming, Gary reads Proverbs 21:23 - Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

"One preacher was preachin' one tahm, woman comes, preacher said, 'What is it you need tonight, ma'am?' 'Ah need to confess mah sins, need to put mah tongue on the altar.' He said 'Ah'm not quite sure the altar's big enough for your tongue tonight.'"

In the middle of his rant about God taking sports away to teach us a lesson, he roars about the basketball players who, according to him, (probable fake-but-assholes-believed-it source here) are "threatening not to play as long as Donald Trump is president! HALLELUJAH! AH HOPE HE STAYS PRESIDENT FOR THE REST OF MAH LAHF, 'CAUSE AH DON'T EVEN KEER 'BOUT BASKETBALL!!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+134%3A1-5&version=KJV

KJV: Behold, bless ye the Lord, all ye servants of the Lord, which by night stand in the house of the Lord.
BGV: Behold, blessed - bless ye the Lord, which mah - bah night stand in the house of the Lord.

While telling us how we should use our hands for God, he tells us that the coronavirus is the longest-lasting thing we've ever gotten from China, then tells us how he bought charcoal for a barbecue (other people paid for the food, of course) that came from . . . America. "IT DID NOT COME FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY! AH'LL SHOW YOU THE BAG, IF AH KIN FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY THROW IT AWAY AT! IT SAID AMERICA! Ah said, ma goodness! AH'LL PAY THE EXTRA FIVE DOLLARS JIST TO GIT IT FROM AMERICA!"

Gary, relax - it was charcoal, not peace and freedom.

Ephesians 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

"We ought to have our feet (dramatic pause) shodded (another dramatic pause, suddenly soft) for the thangs of God."

Be careful what you do with your feet - don't take them down to the dance hall.

Gary was somewhere with Becky and Brother Mike once, and people "was doin' that, what is it they do with the old people?"

Turns out he's talking about square dancing. Whew! I've seen Soylent Green and Logan's Run too many times, I guess - had me scared. ?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+thessalonians+5%3A23&version=KJV

He does his "we're in times now when only certain lives matter, but, to God all lives matter" shit.

He also tells a story about a town that "bowed down" to one man, and took a Christian flag (he can't remember, until Becky tells him, that it was a Christian flag, not a US flag, so it's clear he hasn't a clue what the issue was) out of a taxpayer-funded city park. He says the man claimed it offended him.   He triumphantly crows about how the townspeople showed him, by putting up signs with the Christian flag on their lawns, and now he has to look at it over and over. Talk about missing the point entirely.

If you'd like the facts:

https://journalnow.com/news/local/king-settles-flag-lawsuit-christian-flag-statue-to-be-removed/article_c11528ba-9629-11e4-ab19-2f451330af9f.html

"You want socialism, you want this Joe Bahden, here's what you kin do, let's fahnd a country for all of ya, and we'll ship ya over there."

More mocking of people who are careful due to Covid-19, including saying you "have to bust that glass, that Plexiglass" at Walmarts to "get to" the cashiers. Whoa, Gary, what are you doing in Walmart?

He claims "this ol' Fauci person that ever'body's just lovin' to death amen" is going to tell people to walk on hands and knees, since the coronavirus hovers at head level. Gary doesn't sound like he's joking. Couldn't find that one even on satire sites. I like to think a few people somewhere have a bet about whether or not Gary would believe anything they told him, that fed his persecution complex. Guys, whoever had $20 on "not only will he believe it, he'll put it in a sermon," ask the other bettors to use Zelle or Venmo to pay you - y'know, because of the coronavirus.

He cites the 6% crap, and tells a story of a preacher who got Covid and died, at age 82. He'd had other health problems, so Gary thinks Covid shouldn't be called the cause of death. Gary, he might have lived to be 83, or 90, or older. But you don't care - you think he's with Jesus, and that his story makes your political point perfectly. I have no idea of the former is true, but I know the latter isn't.

At some point, Gary comes back around to the body being a temple, and how you should treat it like one, with no self-awareness about how he's contradicted that idea with his mockery of Covid precautions.

"Becky come to the piano," then a prayer.

?  And the cricket chirps loudly.

 

[thoughtful]

On 9/6/2020 at 11:36 PM, Ozlsn said:

Ever feel like Christ is pranking you Gary?

If He is, He missed a good opportunity in the video I was watching tonight. Gary was talking about being careful where your feet go, while repeatedly setting one of his on the railing, even hanging it over at one point.

But Jesus is kinder than I am, apparently (or He just thinks that move isn't as funny without an orchestra pit, preferably with a horizontal bass drum or a tuba for the person to fall into). Gary stayed upright and on the dais.

Look at that picture. Hokey Pokey earworm, anyone?

 

 

[Xan]

 

51 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Ah wonder how many times we gross God out?"

Way to move people with the simple beauty of your faith, Gary. I may weep.

And:

Gary was somewhere with Becky and Brother Mike once, and people "was doin' that, what is it they do with the old people?"

Turns out he's talking about square dancing. Whew! I've seen Soylent Green and Logan's Run too many times, I guess - had me scared. ?

Pure gold, thoughtful.

And I think he's giving poor old "Andy Griffin" a bum rap.  I don't remember Andy and Barney making fun of God.  I think he's still pissed off about Barney kissing Thelma Lou when they weren't even married.

..............

There was a documentary on HBO for a while about a woman who had to help deprogram her dad.  Shortly before retirement, he'd taken a job that required a lot of driving and he spent the time listening to right wing talk radio.  The family said he totally changed and became argumentative and paranoid and more than a little nuts.  I don't know what Gary's listening to now besides religious music and, let's be honest here, he didn't even start out being rational.  He just sounds crazier and crazier to me.  When I've tried to listen to him, he veers off so often into political tirades that I'm surprised he even thinks he's preaching.

I tuned in to hear part of his sermon tonight and caught him just as he was doing his "Amen" shtick.  There he was, right hand cupping his right ear and leaning towards the congregation to see if they'd answer him.  I found myself wishing someone would bean him with a hymnal.  Feeling that I wasn't watching a church service with the right attitude, I logged out of Facebook. 

[thoughtful]

On 9/7/2020 at 10:29 PM, Seahorse Wrangler said:

Some-one tried to rope Jacob into selling Vector/Cutco knives. Sounds like they think he should follow the toothpasta/papazzi/tupperwear route.

Oh, is that what they were? Thanks - Gary made it sound like they were just some random knives. He also made it sound like Jacob is still selling them. But who knows? Gary is, as they say in fiction, an unreliable narrator.

44 minutes ago, clese said:

Being mentally depressed or whatever is HELL ON EARTH and I could cry for these kids who seemingly get told God will save them...any thoughts?

First thought - I'm with you, these people are horrible, and they seem to think that a child who is not an obedient drone is a sinner. Asking to mow the lawn an hour later might get a kid a guilt-fest, let alone telling a parent they are depressed or suicidal.

I think most IFB folks make use of medical help for depression much, much less than others. But the reasoning behind it, and how they expect a depressed person to deal with it, may vary.

From what I've seen, they generally seem to consider every emotional or mental problem a "spiritual problem," and expect the person in pain to find an answer from a pastor, a parent, the Bible, or nouthetic counseling.

Either Bro Gary or Jill Rod, for example, might not want anyone asking probing questions about home life, since they seem to revel in corporal punishment. Both probably see mental health professionals as part of a liberal, humanist, non-Christian cabal who will teach their children to be self-centered and think they can solve problems without Jesus.

Gary's messages often include the idea that being saved will not take away the pains and troubles of this life. So, while he'd probably tell a child to suck it up and get through it with no help other than the Bible, and remind him or her that "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good," he might not do the "you can't possibly be sad - you have Jesus!" routine.

I think Jill, on the other hand, would add the "you have to stay cheerful! You're soooo lucky to have Jesus, and He has given us soooo much!" layer.

Hellish, either way.

[thoughtful]

Gary posted about his fitness progress, and got some lovely comments (and one puzzling one - unction? Maybe he was trying to type function and missed the F).

Spoiler

Enough rational stuff about health, let's go for the crazy stuff!

Spoiler

Next, time to beg for handouts  - er, opportunities to serve. Gary needs a sign that says "Will rage and babble for food." Or maybe "May have coronavirus - will travel."

Spoiler

 

[Ozlsn]

On 9/7/2020 at 2:45 PM, thoughtful said:

He tries to tell the story of the man who decided not to come to church because he saw a woman from the church in a bar , "dancin' with another man's wife! Did I say that right?" Becky corrects him.

He has seriously no idea that women dance in packs, and that doesn't mean anything. I was going to ask if he's never been to a wedding, but then I remembered the whole no dancing thing. So is it more shocking that she was dancing, or that it was with another woman? Would with another man have been better or worse? 

56 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary posted about his fitness progress, and got some lovely comments (and one puzzling one - unction? Maybe he was trying to type function and missed the F).

Gumption? No, that wouldn't happen...

20 hours ago, Xan said:

Feeling that I wasn't watching a church service with the right attitude, I logged out of Facebook. 

I kind of feel that wanting to bean Gary with a hymnal is the right attitude, church service or no. You could always pretend he's in Wal-Mart's.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Enough rational stuff about health, let's go for the crazy stuff!

The sad thing is he's probably correct about the second wave coming, and definitely correct about needing to vote.  Wrong about the rest though.

[thoughtful]

Tuesday night revival at Bethel - as the pastor drones, I may need to be revived.

They sing Sound the Battle Cry, which is just as warlike as the title would suggest. There's an inaudible prayer from a congregant, then To God Be the Glory.

Pastor LiGreci mumbles and rambles, and finally makes it clear that he is gong to talk about an article in the Charlotte Observer. Here it is:

https://www.charlotteobserver.com/living/religion/article245382550.html

He say the article starts with "Police pepper-spray non-violent RNC protesters," and goes on to read more, with a nasty tone in his voice that makes me think that he's trying to show the clear "liberal bias" of the article. But I don't see anything he's saying anywhere on the page, in the main text or as a photo caption. I think it was a pop-up for another article or a video, and he doesn't understand that.

Then he finally gets to the actual content of this article, stopping to ask Gary to give a demonstration of how a Southerner would yell out "Jesus Saves," and, after "anti Sam Bethea," to add "man of God, preaching the word of God, on the street. Trump's irrelevant now - they hate Jesus Christ."

He stops to say that he couldn't get the mug shots to print out, and add a few other comments, including making sure they notice that Bethea referred to himself as "a black boy" when describing himself at age 26.

When he first gets to the text "Personally, I'm not a fan" - the heading of one of the sections - he adds "that's the author." No, it's a quote from an Evangelical Christian, studying to be a pastor, who knows Bethea, disapproving of Bethea's approach to evangelism. The full quote comes up later in the story, and it doesn't seem to occur to LiGreci that that's where it came from, even when he reads that section.

He switches to paraphrasing after reading the heading "Nobody can be louder than me?" He says Bethea was there during the protests "in Charlotte, where all that action was, and things didn't go very well."

Is he confusing Charlotte NC, and the 2016 protests the article mentions, with the 2017 protests in Charlottesville, VA?  I would be willing to bet he is.

The rest of the article does cite some unpleasant behavior from Bethea, but it also tells about unpleasant things that were done to him by protesters. So you'd think LiGreci would want to read more, to drive home the "persecuted Christian" angle. Nope. He just tucks the papers away, and starts talking about a black street preacher who used to be outside of Sam's Club, and how he hasn't seen a street preacher in years.

I guess I'm glad he didn't go further with painting this man as an innocent victim of the Bad Black People, because he's Good Black Person who likes the police, refers to his young adult self as a boy and screams about Jesus. But it was a long time spent droning on about something, without actually making much of a point.

That seems to be LiGreci's specialty.

They sing When the Roll is Called Up Yonder. Then the video skips a little, but I figure out that the pastor has issued another challenge - Jacob recites the first verse of the Bible without looking, and wins a book that "tells you all the archaic words you can pick out in the King James."

Becky calls out "Praise the Lord he learned something in science this week!" The pastor says "Did he?" but she goes on "That was his first of the week," and I think it's a joke referring to his being able to quote that verse.

If so, I hope she only thinks it's funny because she's teaching him otherwise. But I imagine they are YEC, so she actually considers "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth" (see, I can quote it without looking, too) a science lesson.

The Hawkinses sing  It's About the Cross  (after Gary yells at everyone about being glad to be in church and glad to be saved until they yell back loudly enough to satisfy him) and I Can Trust in Jesus.

Gary follows up the song by yelling how "you might not can trust" politicians, and NBC and ABC and CBS, but you can trust Jesus. He asks Becky for his water - well he tells her, but he does say please.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-16&version=KJV

These days, there no doubt we're living in the Laodicean church. Gary wants to know what Jesus is to you. We've heard this one before, so I'll try to limit myself to new things. Gary is very, very loud.

"SALVATION!  IF YOU'RE BORN AGIN SAVED BY THE GRACE A GOD, IT SHOULD BE JUST - IT SHOULD BE MORE REAL, IT SHOULD BE MORE UHUHUH ELEGANT IN THE PART THE HEY WE REALLY BELIEVE IT!"

Elegant, Gary?

Spoiler

"My oldest boy's girlfriend put on Facebook that her nanny was in the hospital, ananan I mean listen, it was goin' downhill 'n' she ended up in ICU 'n' the next mornin' she went home! You say what wazzat? Well it had to be the hand o' God amen? Sure wa'n't no doctor could do that good of a miracle!"

He announces "fissions chapter 3" twice, specifies "verses 23," then starts reading Ephesians 5:23:

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

"THE WINNER IS STILL Jesus, amen? He's never been voted out, he never will get voted out amen?"

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

More bellowing and hissing and cooing - no new content.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+1%3A4-9&version=KJV

He starts out OK, but then:
KJV:  So that ye come behind in no gift; waiting for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall also confirm you unto the end, that ye may be blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord.

BGV: So that ye behind no - behind in no give; waiting for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall also confirm you unto the end, that ye may be blameless in the day of the Lord Jesus Christ. Gawwwd is faithful, whom ye were called unto the fellowship of the Son of Jesus Christ.

Again, nothing new follows this reading. I think - I may be losing my hearing from Gary's decibel level.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+17%3A1-4&version=KJV

Read with many errors, but none worth writing down.

"Jesus is the finisher."

Spoiler

      ?     ?

After Pharaoh let the Israelites go, God "drowned those Pharoahites." I think they were Egyptians, Gary.

Phillipians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Gary says he wants to get strong, in case he has to put the tent up again. I'll believe you actually do any of the work of putting up that tent when I see it, Gary - so far, I never have.

"It's a waaahld worl' an' a jungle that we're in today."

He tells about a time they prayed before going out doorknocking and nobody was rude to them. "Nobody come, but nobody was rude. You say what was that? The Lord, keeping Satan back."

Um, Gary, how about all of the messages you've preached about the "persecution" you suffer when doorknocking? Did your prayers not work on those days? Make up your mind, dope.

1 John 4:14 - And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.

He goes off on his "Jesus says all lives matter" rant.

He went into Walmart the other day, and someone spoke to him "because ah don't wear the mask."

Spoiler

"Ah told the guy 'Ah live in America'." Gary, so does everyone else in Walmart, you dick. They're wearing masks to protect their fellow Americans, about whom you don't seem to give, as you say, a flip.

He tells the story he told last night, about the Christian flag. 

Luke 19:10 For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.

Jesus "is the seeker of the lost."

Saints preserve us, Mr. Keen! OK, nobody I know but my mother would get that joke - it was an old radio show reference, something we quote a lot:

Spoiler

John 14:6 - Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Gary bellows his loudest in this, the "get excited about Jesus" part of his message.

There has been a small child babbling and cooing throughout this service. I'm happy to say s/he seems completely unperturbed by Gary's horrible sounds, and that Gary doesn't get angry about this. But, right near the end of his message, he misses a great opportunity. After he says "Amen?" for the umpteenth time, in the silence, this adorable little voice loudly pipes up "Amen!"

A few people in the church chuckle, but Gary goes right on, repeating shit he said earlier that night, the previous night and countless times before. It would have been the perfect moment to say "out of the mouths of babes" or "I can't top that - let us pray" or "there's someone who already knows who Jesus is" or any number of sweet or funny or inspiring things.

Gary, you missed a great cue.

 

[EyesOpen]

Im sure he’s gotten less coherent since we’ve been following him and @thoughtful I don’t know how you do it but I appreciate these recaps! 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

On 9/7/2020 at 12:45 AM, thoughtful said:

He tries to tell the story of the man who decided not to come to church because he saw a woman from the church in a bar , "dancin' with another man's wife! Did I say that right?" Becky corrects him.

He has seriously no idea that women dance in packs, and that doesn't mean anything. I was going to ask if he's never been to a wedding, but then I remembered the whole no dancing thing. So is it more shocking that she was dancing, or that it was with another woman? Would with another man have been better or worse? 

It was a man. I may not have been clear, because I figured everybody would recognize that story - sorry about that.

The woman danced with another woman's husband. Gary said it backwards, then wasn't sure if he'd said it right -  that was the correction Becky had to give him. She said "Another woman's husband."

 

[Ozlsn]

26 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

It was a man. I may not have been clear, because I figured everybody would recognize that story - sorry about that.

The woman danced with another woman's husband. Gary said it backwards, then wasn't sure if he'd said it right -  that was the correction Becky had to give him. She said "Another woman's husband."

I initially thought that, and then thought I was wrong... So was it the other man or the dancing that was the problem then? Heh.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

wins a book that "tells you all the archaic words you can pick out in the King James."

Wait, what? There are archaic words in the KJV? Words that have... changed meaning, sometimes quite dramatically? And the book will help you work out what was actually meant at the time the KJV was translated? 

I wish these morons would just use a text written in language they understand. 

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

My oldest boy's girlfriend put on Facebook that her nanny was in the hospital, ananan I mean listen, it was goin' downhill 'n' she ended up in ICU 'n' the next mornin' she went home! You say what wazzat? Well it had to be the hand o' God amen? Sure wa'n't no doctor could do that good of a miracle!"

Er... if she was dehydrated, or had a bacterial infection that sounds entirely possible to me, just pulling two scenarios out of my head at random. And I could see sending elderly patients who they might normally keep in a bit longer home to minimise exposure to coronavirus. 

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

After Pharaoh let the Israelites go, God "drowned those Pharoahites." I think they were Egyptians, Gary.

Pretty sure they were Egyptians, although if Gary is extrapolating from Trumpers I guess it's an easy mistake.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary goes right on, repeating shit he said earlier that night, the previous night and countless times before.

I don't think he knows how to ad lib. He's got his rehearsed piece, and he gets peeved when the audience doesn't respond.

Of course it's also possible he deafened himself shouting and missed it. Poor little kid, I hope they get out.

[Granwych]

On 8/25/2020 at 1:14 PM, thoughtful said:

You got it. Gary fits yet another stereotype of abusers everywhere.

Today's posts - Gary is a zero-sum kinda guy, but I don't think it's supposed to be a competition, dude:

  Hide contents

 

I would pull out individual nonsense phrases to mock and suggest for embroidery, but there are just. so. many:

  Hide contents

Gary, you're a poet.

I need to find the quote about doing things for spite.   And I want to do a counted cross stitch quote that says “Hexing...because  murder is wrong.”

 

suck on those concepts, Bro Gary.

[wallysmommy]

Here's the earworm Gary needs:

You ain't nothin' but a grifter

Just beggin' all the time

You ain't nothin' but a grifter

Just beggin' all the time

You ain't never had a job and 

you ain't too good to work

[thoughtful]

Wednesday night, the last in Bethel. They sing Joy to the World (Pastor LiGreci says "don't think I'm crazy"), then Praise Him! Praise Him!  He mumbles about salvation, they have silent prayer, then sing Count Your Blessings.

LiGreci runs through a few ideas, wandering here and there as ever: God gave him the ability to work ("The man that doesn't work is gonna starve"), children are an heritage of the Lord, but people today want to kill them, at the age of accountability they become sinners, some people take a long time (he knew a man who was saved when he was 76), we live in a blessed country ("the United states was the only nation of the world that was Christian at its inception - all other nations were heathen, then became Christian").

I think Bro LiGreci gets his ideas from a book called "Directly out of My Ass."

He has a unique image for the way his sins will be reviewed on Judgment Day - he says Jesus "has the biggest camera that ever anyone ever had, and everything's gonna be played back on this face."

He accidentally took home some pens that belonged to the US government from his job, and found them in a drawer after retirement. Sinner.

They sing Jesus Loves Me and Be Careful Little Eyes. Pastor L is in a sentimental mood tonight. Come to Jesus like a child, "don't get befuddled the World, and all the intellect you've built up in your brain, 'cause it'll keep ya from ever comin' to God. Oh. You just throw everything out of your brain, get down in your soul and your heart, and just come (drowned out by Gary's moo of "Amen") like a child."

Well, in this case, we can't accuse them of not living what they believe!

Gary, and the content of his intellectual brain, are next.

He does his final-night thank you, then reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+17%3A26-37&version=KJV

David and Goliath again, but a different part of the story. Gary does OK with reading, other than accusing Goliath of "defiling" the army, instead of defying them, again.

Gary takes the phrase "Is there not a cause?" from this reading, and preaches on it (that was the theme of the Youth Rally that the Rod's went to, as well). So he keeps repeating "Is there not a cowoose?" and "there is a cowoose!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

Gary rants about how it's no shame to work a job, how he got more respect when he worked as well as preaching, and other gems of self-awareness.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+2%3A9-10&version=KJV

He does his description of the creepy moving-eyes picture of Lester Roloff, and exhortations to be peculiar.

"We don't need to be jigglin' and hangin' out, and workin' with the World, amen? DIFFERENT!"

Gary tells about a man from one of the churches he was at recently, who says he sometimes just suddenly starts preaching in the break room at work. "You wouldn't see too many people do that today, amen?"

Um, Gary - are you having trouble separating past from present (I can't convey it in print, but his inflection really made it sound like this was a story from long ago, right after making it clear that it was current)?

Anyway, I'm glad I don't work wherever that guy does.

Then he goes on to tell about a video he saw on Facebook, of a man preaching in Walmart.  "Ah said, man, ah wonder who would do that in reality of life?"

Um, Gary - are you having trouble separating reality from fiction?

DIFFERENT!

Jude 22 - KJV: And of some have compassion, making a difference:
BGV: And some having compassion, make a difference:

One verse, Gary - eight words. I wonder if he could get through John 11:35 error free.

Gary yells about an argument he had with "some girl named Elizabeth" who said "your God don't even exist." He said they were posting, but I don't see anything on Facebook - maybe Gary is on other social media.

Several minutes about tough preachers from the old days. I'm starting to feel like I've known Olive B. Green and Carl Lackey my whole life.

Hebrews 12:1 KJV: Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
BGV: Wherefore seeing we also are comPASSed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let every - let us lay aside every weight and sin which doth so easily beset ussss.  And let us run the race with patience that the race that is set before us,

"I wanna say" a whole lot of drivel about running the race.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+4%3A22-23&version=KJV

"There is a cowoose to sin less."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+3%3A1-3&version=KJV

"There is a cowoose. Ya say what's the cowoose? Jesus."

Gary announces and starts to read a verse, then realizes it's not the one he wanted, and tries again.

Psalms 46:10 - KJV: Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
BGV: Be steell, and know . . . that ah am God: ah will be exalted. Ah will ah will be ah will be exalted among the heatherns, I will be exhausted - exalted - in the earth.

Gary, if God can be exhausted, I bet it happens when He is listening to you.

Gary informs us that he is not naturally a patient person. What a shocker.

He snipes at preachers who leave one church and go directly to another post, or want to. He sounds really pissed about it. I wonder what that's about.

He gets very quiet, and gets quieter and slower as he sadly says "I had a church to - y'know - drop my support - not that ah asked for support, but, some do support me, but, they dropped my support, and the letter was" heavy sigh "I think ah can send my support . . . to a better . . . ministry."

He says it wasn't a whole lot of money "it bought 2-3 chickens, amen?" He says he hasn't missed it. "Ya say wha? God's got more'n anybody."

Sad philosophical Gary ends this section with "WAITIN' on the Lord."

We get it Gary - it's your last night there, you want them to open their wallets.

He says he's going to read a verse he uses all the time, then announces the chapter wrong. He corrects himself. You'd think he'd have the location of this one memorized. If only he could learn to say reprobate.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+13%3A5&version=KJV

"There is a cowoose to make sure you're ready." People are dying every day, lake of fahhr, dead, dying die, die, dead, be ready etc. Gary gets softer and softer as he rambles to the end. He keeps sounding like he's done, then going on. You'd think it was his last opportunity ever to preach, he sounds so reluctant to end.

But he finally launches into prayer.

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

 

Spoiler

This previously had a comment (from Scott Maag, if I remember correctly) saying "Tell that to your son." It's gone now.

 

For Gary, a day without bloviating is like a day without sunshine. He was live on Facebook this morning for about 20 minutes.

He says they had a good meeting last night, and the Lord met with them. Funny, I saw and heard two men who were so full of shit their eyes are brown, rambling on about nothing, when they weren't being insulting.

Gary sucks his teeth and rambles about who he is, then suddenly says, "America!"

"Ah travel all over the Unahted States. Ah've never been past sss North Dakota."

Make up your mind, Gary.

It takes me a while to figure what the point of this video is (other than Gary needing to get on Facebook). At first it sounds like he's just advertising himself (and, of course, he is), but, after about five minutes, he starts in on preachers who are fussy about accepting jobs.

There are lots of churches out there who need pastures.

"There's a town here, Ith - Ithaca." He points:

Spoiler

"It's a bad town. I mean, listen hey. It's probably, with the 2-3 colleges it's got, in college time, it's prob'ly approximately . . . ah dunno, 20,000 people, maybe more than that, ah'm just throwin' a number out there, cause ah really don't, ah'm not 100% sure. And it does not have a good Bible-believing church."

Gary starts listing names of towns and states that need Bible-believing churches. The devil got into the church he would have recommended in Myrtle Beach a few years ago, so they need a church now because of that messss.

Everybody wants to have a Baptist church in Mt. Airy, "Andy Griffin town" or Winston-Salem. "But we got these towns and we got these places all over America, 'n' they're goin' to Hell, 'n' nobody cares."

Gary wants to help - he has a tent!

He keeps saying there are "towns after towns after towns after towns after towns" that need churches.

He tells the story of Elizabeth the unbeliever and asks us to pray for her.

He rants about people who can't fellowship because they disagree, and squeals "Git over yerself!" Then promptly makes it clear that only those using the KJV will go to heaven.

He mocks people for not liking how others dress, or act, or do things (conveniently forgetting how often he does that).

"We're DIFFERENT!"

Spoiler

"Some you preachers think you IT - makin' a name for yourselves."

Gary, just tell us who you are pissed off at - get it off your chest. You'll feel better.

Oh, and calm down and cheer up before your "wife birthday."

Spoiler

 

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

we live in a blessed country ("the United states was the only nation of the world that was Christian at its inception - all other nations were heathen, then became Christian").

*stares pointedly in Australian*

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary rants about how it's no shame to work a job, how he got more respect when he worked as well as preaching, and other gems of self-awareness

Then... he's going to go back to working?

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He gets very quiet, and gets quieter and slower as he sadly says "I had a church to - y'know - drop my support - not that ah asked for support, but, some do support me, but, they dropped my support, and the letter was" heavy sigh "I think ah can send my support . . . to a better . . . ministry."

Oh man I hope that's the church where he had a go at the pastor's wife. 

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

You'd think it was his last opportunity ever to preach, he sounds so reluctant to end

Living in hope...

[smittykins]

What is “cawoose” supposed to be? ?‍♀️