Bro. Gary Hawkins 15: Not Sweet Fellowshipping with JRod - Yet

[thoughtful]

Becky has found her people online:

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[Black Aliss]

49 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Becky has found her people online:

 

Per wikipedia: 

Quote

Parler has a significant user base of Trump supporters, conservatives, and Saudi nationalists. Posts on the website often contain far-right content, antisemitism, and conspiracy theories.

Yup. Those her people, all right.

On a fundish instagram account I stalk one commenter said she had just learned yesterday that Biden is a practicing Catholic and that made her feel better because she is Catholic but she'd always been told that Biden is an atheist. I'll be charitable and assume she's had COVID and been on a ventilator since last March. And didn't follow news much before then. I guess she's one of the folks who believed that the rosary Biden wears around his wrist was a transmitter, feeding him answers to questions during the debates.

 

[thoughtful]

Gary got to preach this morning, back at Promise Baptist in Ruffin NC, aka the original church of the iced gingerbread lectern (I've noticed another, maybe two, since).

Spoiler

There's a Sunday school video, but it looks like the Hawkinses only sang for that - I skipped it, if anyone else wants to tackle it.

Gary is already in full swing when the video from the main service begins. It's very patchy and full of skips. Again, old-hat Gary stuff is mostly under the spoiler, anything I thought was unique is not.

Spoiler

Nobody wants to stand for the Lord, stand in the gap. Jesus went to Hell and burned for us, it's all paid for. You'd better be in the Lamb's book of life.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+17%3A29&version=KJV

Is there not a cowse? Don't be ashamed of the Gospel, non-Godly music is evil, Gary's going to get harder and meaner in his preaching, old-tahm preachers (Tony Hudson is the only one mentioned by name this time), the party in Hell sign on his truck, get off your lazy hiney and tell people about Jesus, he doesn't care who is president, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. God took care of Lot when he got out of sodomy. All of the usual connectors, sentence fragments and meaningless questions, "Ah better move own, ah've made half of you mad already."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+6%3A10&version=KJV

Other churches have sold out to the government by not having church in person, the people of God not doing enough is causing all the problems, not (insert list of Democratic politicians here), the rich young ruler, PRAYER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR DAY! Our country's in a messsssssss. He's been against Fox News since halfway through Trump's presidency, you can't go to church, but you go to work, etc. ("Walmarts" was probably in there, and just got eaten by a skip), PRAY! The KJV is written at a 5th grade level, so, if you passed 5th grade, you have no excuse.  Study the Bible so you won't be embarrassed if somebody asks you something. His Daddy's conversion from the wrong kind of church, when a doorknocker put the bible in his face and told him to read it. Mustard seed. If you quit, that one person who was just about to get saved will be on your conscience.

He mentions the recent revival meeting, and I swear to you, when he mentions Gene Gouge, it sounds like he says, "Gene Douche." Listening again, I could hear the G, but, damn, the rest of it really sounded like "douche."

Gives a whole new meaning to that worshed in the blood of the lamb imagery, doesn't it?

"Obama was one of the worst presidents" (skip) "But, if He can hold Obama off, he can hold Mr. Bahden off."

Gary dismisses their fears of not keeping up without watching TV, by explaining that the Amish are calm and not worried, because they don't have a television with CNN "to tell them how bad things was."

"We did have a great president," because some people kept praying all the time, instead of waiting until Trump was near the end of his term. "Ah got a preacher friend on Facebook, guess what if he hears this and he don't like it he can lump it amen. He started doin' a 30-day prayer, prob'ly " (skip) "before the election." There are more skips, but it's clear Gary thinks this preacher friend should have prayed for Trump every day from whenever Gary thinks was appropriate.

Gary, who always goes on and on about how various things in the world are clear signs of the end times, mocks people who think the Rapture is coming because Biden was elected. "Ah want somebody to open up the King James Bahble and show me because Joe Bahden got voted in, whether he did or he didn't" (skip, but you get the idea).

"Ah probably lost about 50-60 pounds now."

"If this bable's not worth studyin' then quit - listen, get rid of your romance books, amehhhn, get rid of your whatever these things are that you got, amehhn."

Nothing I like better on a winter's eve than to settle in with a good "whatever these things are that I got," and read it cover to cover.

As the video cuts off, after about only 22 minutes, Gary is doing his "stupid person" voice to imitate an imaginary lax Christian saying "I don't think the church will ever be filled," then, back to his normal voice, something I can't hear, then "and it probably won't be, with your attitude."

Well, that was inspiring./s

Edited November 8, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

You made not, but some are talk.

[GlitterJam]

18 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

You made not, but some are talk.

You know, Gary, that also applies when churches are closed to prevent the deaths of thousands of people.

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, GlitterJam said:

You know, Gary, that also applies when churches are closed to prevent the deaths of thousands of people.

Really - you, Becky and Jacob; that's three, Gary.

I hadn't forgotten that I skipped the last video from Liberty Library Church, on 11/2 - I was just too caught up in the election to look at it until now. So, here we go. Gary is very hissy in this one - sounds like a gas leak in the church half the time.

They sing Faith is the Victory, then the pastor prays while Gary moans softly. Visitors introduce themselves, from several different states - gotta spread that Word of God, or Covid, whichever comes first.

They sing In My Heart There Rings a Melody . The pastor reminds them to pray for Becky's surgery right before taking the offering, all of which, he says, will go to Gary. They sing My Savior's Love.

Another prayer, more moaning from Gary. They sing He Lives.

Eternal, oft-repeated Garyspew under the spoiler.

Spoiler

He mocks their lack of enthusiasm yelling "amen" when he says it's good to be in church. He thanks them for the hotel room, food and rides. He doesn't know if he'd cross the street to hear himself preach. Becky's had a Covid test, before a procedure, will have another before her surgery, because "they lookin' for numbers." He tells them again about his oh-so-funny warning to her, not to tell them who he is, 'cause he doesn't want to be a number. If you're plannin' to vote Republican, go tomorrow, if you're plannin' to vote Democrat, go Thursday. He voted for all Republicans, to save America, Joe Bahden won't really be the president, he's lived in socialism for 8 months and he doesn't like it. We're coming to the end of times. Covid-19 will be gone after the election. Streets of gold in Heaven, there's a Hell to shun and a Heaven to gain. Jesus Christ is in the throne ( I thought God was - now I'm picturing them shoving one another, like two little kids), if you stand for God you won't have many friends, Gary just has frenemies, "ah'm on the winnin' sahd." The drunk's gonna do what the drunk's supposed to do, but he's concerned about what the people of God are doing. Preachin's never been popular, it got Jesus on the cross, lost John the Baptist his head, put Paul in prison, and Stephen was stoned to death. The preacher that preached something unbiblical, then apologized after God got aholt to his heart, Abraham didn't have a Ford truck ("and if you're not a Ford man, just keep your mouth shut, it'll be all right") - he had a donkey.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+5%3A24&version=KJV

Are you walking with God, like Enoch? Ah'm not lookin' for the undertaker, ah'm lookin' for the uppertaker.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+7%3A16&version=KJV

God put Noah safely in the Ark. God's on the throne (wait, I thought Jesus was - don't make me come up there, you two!). Nobody is mission-minded any more, nobody likes what Gary puts on Facebook but he don't care. He can't remember anybody's name without his wife, and needs her to straighten him out. Spiritual soap (no washrag this time), the time Gary saved the day for a preacher in Maine with a migraine because God gave him a message at the last possible second. The governor of NY is named Commo or something, but Gary calls him Dummo. We can't quit. Gary ain't makin' light of Covid, you can go to (fill in the list), but they only place they say you can get it is church.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+5%3A15&version=KJV

He says "legend" for legion. The "I was on drugs, I was drug to church" joke-like thing. Kids coming back stupider from college than when they left, KJV only.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+9%3A25&version=KJV

He's got a burden for America. Maine has over 900 towns with no church (oops - Becky isn't there to remind him it's 500), the church in NY still needs a preacher.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+16%3A30-31&version=KJV

People need the Lord. When Gary pays his highway tolls, he's gonna give 'em a tract (no transponder, Gary?), also in bathrooms and gas stations. Do you know you're saved?

And, of course, "good preachin' even if ah am doin' it."

While telling them about Becky's upcoming surgery, he says she'll probably have 2-3 weeks of doctor appointments afterwards. He's booked a revival for six days after her operation. "She said 'man, you ain't givin' me much tahm.' Ah said, 'how'n you need more'n six days to rest, amen? Bahble says rest six days - ah mean, work six days, ah'm givin' you six days off amen! 'Ah thought that was pretty good."

Aw, Gary, did you ruin your adorable Genesis joke about how thoughtless you are? Too bad.

He rambles about not getting out as much as he does when his family is with him, other than an hour for shopping and getting something to eat. What, no vigorous walk, Gary?

"There was two men in the church you maht wanna pray for here, members of this church, who was talkin' bad about the Democrats, so you might wanna pray for them, amen?" Clearly meant as a joke, and it got a laugh, because what could possibly be unChristian about that?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes+7%3A1-8&version=KJV

KJV: A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.
BGV:A good name is better to be pres - pres - precious anointed; and  the, and the day of the death than the day of one's birth.

KJV: Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
BGV: Sorrow is better than laughter: by - uhuh for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. Pretty bad that we gotta - we're happy, well ah think that our hearts is probably in pretty good shape raht now 'cause most people's depressed, 'n' mad, 'n' so they gotta have a good heart right here 'n' ain't that what the Bahble says?

"We're fixin' to have a civil war here in the next week or two - just hang on."

Screamed: "Ah'm not gonna let the d'election, and ah'm not gonna let the socialISm and ah'm not gonna let the World, take away the joy that ah got from the Lord Jesus Chrissssssst."

"Ah may be a different breed, ah may be in this - well, ah'm not even sure ah'm in this generation, ah told 'em yesterday, ah'm not sure, ah'm not in a cliques, ah don't do the clique thangs, I'm not - ah'll be friends with you, but ah ain't in your clique amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+22%3A12-13&version=KJV

KJV: And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me
BGV: And he laid - and he laid not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou - do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou feareth God, seeing that - that thou hath not withered thy son, the only son from me

Nice to know that Isaac was not only not killed and sacrificed, he wasn't withered.

"How about bein', how about obedience bein' - will pay off?"

When screaming about supporting missions, he uses his stupid-person voice to mock those who say "You don't unnerstand - ah'm on a fixed income," then tells them about the "young lady"  in New York who gave her light bill money, then found out they'd taken $20 off of her light bill.

1 Samuel 17:54 - KJV: And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
BGV: And David took the head of the PHIllis - PhLIStine, and brought it to the Jeru - brought it to Jerusalem and put it upon his armor in his tyent.

This is immediately followed by Gary's next point "Awana say, number four, how to get ahead with God."

Oh, Gary, puns are not your strong suit. He tries a long pause, and he repeats the phrase "get ahead with God" several times during the next part of his message. Doesn't work that way Gary - if they don't get the joke right away, give up.

Did you know that Goliath called David a little punk? He does in Gary's version.

"You wanna get a brownie point with God, go do somethin' lahk David did."

Every time Gary gets in an elevator, he leaves a tract (he says "track," of course). He doesn't know what happens to them, but they are always gone next time he uses the elevator. I will roll my eyes in support of the poor hotel custodians. Stop littering, Gary.

He announces Daniel 3:5, starts to read it, says "no, 15, no, 25." OK Gary. We're past the sackbut and psaltery, and S, M and A are already in the "fairy furnace."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A25&version=KJV

God is already wherever you need Him to be, waiting for you, ready to help. But then he says that God will work a whole lot faster if we believe him than if we doubt him. Make up your mind, dude.

"Ah'll give a gospel track to a sodomite, but ah'm not gonna go join 'em, ah'm not gonna go fellowship with 'em, amen?" He puts on the stupid voice to say: "Yeah, but Jesus hung out with sinners 'n' ever'thing" then gets quiet: "Yeah, well, why'nt you go do that? Hmm? Why'n't take one of 'em out to eat one tahm?"

He says this like he's daring them to poke a rattlesnake with a stick.

Then he bellows "We're to be differehhhhhhnt!"

Gary tells them that if nobody wants the message, Jesus said to "knock your feet off" and try again somewhere else. No, Gary, he said to shake the dust off of your feet. It would be hard to continue to a new place if the apostles knocked off their feet.

Gary winds down, then rudely messes with his stuff while the pastor makes the altar call.

Edited November 9, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Don't remind us, Gary - we were having such a good time. And please make up your mind about who is on the throne.

[thoughtful]

Becky is having surgery today, and still finds time for this shit:

Spoiler

Never mind Covid, there may be head lice in church. But go anyway, it will change your deserves.

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ETA:

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Powell manages to sound both robotic and very nervous at the same time. Here's the video:

 

 

 

But Gary, I thought Fox was now the enemy, and that you never watch TV! I guess it's different if you watch something from TV on YouTube.

I also thought you were OK with whoever won, because God and/or Jesus is on the throne, and the end times are coming anyway, and, if Bidenpuppet is sort of the president, that's just another sign (or maybe not), and . . .

Gary, you have me so confused!

Edited November 9, 2020 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Gary thinks he's clever. Oh, and are "there rights" in a different place than "here rights?"

Spoiler

Spoiler

I wonder if Becky is in surgery. If so, I know Gary needs a way to distract himself, but:

Spoiler

Do a crossword puzzle.

 

[Black Aliss]

34 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

 

  Hide contents

Do a crossword puzzle.

 

I am dying at the idea of Gary trying to do a crossword puzzle, even the one in Highlights magazine.

 

[thoughtful]

11 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

I am dying at the idea of Gary trying to do a crossword puzzle, even the one in Highlights magazine.

 

GMTA - I toyed with the idea of saying something about Highlights in my post.

Do they still do the "what's different in these two pictures" thing? That might hold him for a while.

[thoughtful]

Gary, godbothering whoever he can find, now Trumpbothering SCOTUS:

[Ozlsn]

Poor Gary. Freedom of speech vanished, and all he can do is keep posting crap on the internet while no one stops him.

[Alisamer]

"We emailed the." 

I'd love to see that letter, if Gary didn't just send a cut-and-paste from someone else. It'd be be hilarious seeing the justices trying to work out what the heck it meant.

Assuming he got the email address correct in the first place.

[Xan]

Okay. I'll take a crack at it.

Deer Supreme's Court,

WE the people don't think the votes of reptobate demoncrats aught to be counted.  WE think that they had dead people vote.  That ain't right.  WE GOD people did not hand over are rights.  You have to keep the churhces open!  WE know that GOD put President Trump on the throne.  They don't get to move him off.

If you Supreme's can turn over this election, GOD will give you SALVATION.  This is in you're hands.  

This is a good letter evin if I did write it.

Sincerly,

Bro Gary Hawkins

PS  I still don't like them Catholics but I guess your okay, Mrs. Baret Barret Barrett.  I hope your still fixing you're husband his dinners.

[Black Aliss]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, godbothering whoever he can find, now Trumpbothering SCOTUS:

LOL. Gary and friends think the SCOTUS is like Battle of the Bands, where the applause-o-meter determines the decisions. (I hope to god at least five judges don't see it that way)

[Dana723]

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"You wanna get a brownie point with God, go do somethin' lahk David did."

So I need to lust after my best soldier's wife as she's taking a bath on the rooftop, kill her husband, and then take her for a wife whether she wants it or not?  Okay...

Also I now have visions of God and Jesus playing King of the Hill with the throne.

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

GMTA - I toyed with the idea of saying something about Highlights in my post.

Do they still do the "what's different in these two pictures" thing? That might hold him for a while.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

I sure hope somebody in Gary's family is keeping everyone up-to-date on Becky's surgery, or Gary is texting or calling privately, because he sure isn't using Facebook for it.

In case you didn't know Charity Baptist Church is a BAPTIST CHURCH. Soon, we get to hear Gary try to say Saxapahaw.

1 hour ago, Dana723 said:

Also I now have visions of God and Jesus playing King of the Hill with the throne.

I like to picture Musical Chairs, myself. With this:

 

[smittykins]

17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

GMTA - I toyed with the idea of saying something about Highlights in my post.

Do they still do the "what's different in these two pictures" thing? That might hold him for a while.

(Maybe/maybe not)UO:  I always thought Goofus was more like a regular kid, and  Gallant was an insufferable goody-two-shoes.

[Black Aliss]

2 hours ago, smittykins said:

(Maybe/maybe not)UO:  I always thought Goofus was more like a regular kid, and  Gallant was an insufferable goody-two-shoes.

I hated Highlights--the entire magazine but especially Goofus/Gallant--when I was a kid so I was quietly pleased when each of the Blacklets decided independently of each other (and me) that Gallant was exactly that--an insufferable goody-two-shoes, or in kiddo parlance, a dork.

[thoughtful]

I don't remember looking at Highlights more than a few times, as a kid, and have no actual  memories of G&G and their behavior.

I think I blocked them out. Or maybe I just never even looked at them, because they depicted boys.

[thoughtful]

Gary seems to think his detested governor is a metal (coming soon from CopperFit - North Carolina, the copper-infused state!), and that, if you are going to "use the law," you should use it to go 55 on the highway.

 

[thoughtful]

Proof of life  (also desire to make some money and delusional beliefs) from Becky:

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So I guess she is recovering as expected from her surgery.

From Gary, who has some trouble with verb tenses:

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And, NEWS FLASH - something about sin and old-time preachers, with lots of grammar issues and no clarity about what his actual point is.

Didn't see that coming.

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

57 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

 

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I'm confused.  Is he saying that people are against Facebook and Fox or that Facebook and Fox are against "some kinds of sins"?  And how is the media "separating families"?  Is the media at the border putting kids in cages?  And preachers aren't preaching "against the inward man"?  By inward man, does he mean soul or guts?  So many questions.  So few answers.

You gotta love the "ect ect".  That is so Gary.  Myself, I love listening to old Bro Sammy all.  Or I would if I knew who Gary meant.  

[Alisamer]

5 minutes ago, Xan said:

I'm confused.  Is he saying that people are against Facebook and Fox or that Facebook and Fox are against "some kinds of sins"?  And how is the media "separating families"?  Is the media at the border putting kids in cages?  And preachers aren't preaching "against the inward man"?  By inward man, does he mean soul or guts?  So many questions.  So few answers.

I think his head is like a magic 8 ball that he shakes around to get words... but it's kinda leaky so he can only see half the words and they get jumbled up in there.