Bro. Gary Hawkins 15: Not Sweet Fellowshipping with JRod - Yet

[thoughtful]

Last night's service was at New Life Community Baptist Chapel, where the tent is set up, but they are indoors due to the weather.

Spoiler

This time, Caleb is ready - they sing Through it All and I Believe He's Coming Back.

There is a bit of applause -- ooh, somebody there doesn't know it was not a performance, it was a "special," and yelling is OK, but not applause!

He warns them he will not be tickling their ears, and reverses his usual attempt at a joke. "Ah tickle mah wahf's ears, that's as far as it goes amen." (takes a swig from water bottle - nobody laughs) "Some of y'all'll git that after a whahl, amen."

He tells them to look at Genesis "start readin' in chapter six of verse one." Oddly, for this reversal, he actually says "verse" in the singular, instead of saying "verses" when he means one verse, as he usually does.

The inner workings of Gary's mind are such a mystery to me.

He reads https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+6%3A1-13&version=KJV, very badly, including these gems:

KJV: And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually
Bro Gary Version: And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every immigration of the thoughts of his heart - of his heart - was only evil continued.

KJV: But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord.
BGV: But Noah found graysss in the eyes of the Lord. Hey, it sure would be good if we'd seek, if we could, if God could find grace with us amen?

KJV: And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
BGV: And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Jayhab.

In his post-reading prayer, which is usually pretty much the same every time, Gary adds "ah have no idear who's here, as far as their soul, their condition." Gary being Gary, I suspect that means he is aiming this message at someone specific, either because the pastor told him about a problem congregant, or because Gary knows something about someone there, and wants to rub salt in their wounds.

"It repented Gawwd that he had created human bein's. You say wha is that? Becowse of the wickitnessssss, becowse of the ungodlinessssss, becowse of the unfaithtulnessss."

If God wanted to destroy what he'd made 6000 years ago, just a few chapters in, imagine what He thinks of us now that "they" are destroyin' history and wantin' to vote somebody in with socialism."

He announces that tonight's theme is "Are You Ready for Such an Hour," which we've heard before, so only unique or especially bizarre items are below.

News flash - he still can't pronounce "reprobate."

He tells us more about the woman who messaged him on Facebook about Trump. He says he asked her if she was saved, she said yes, and he asked to hear her testimony.  He claims she said she only gives her testimony "to who's worthy." He asked who's worthy, and she said "God."

He refers to Covid-19 as "the Africa vahrus," tries to correct himself, and can't think of "China" until one of his sons says it for him.

Gee, Gary, if you'd just call it by it's name, instead of trying to randomly blame it on non-white people, it would be so much easier for you.

He says he's not sure America was ready for it. "Even though it came from Chahna, ah'm not even sure Chahna was ready for it."

That's about as close to science as Gary will ever get, I think. Yes, Gary, it would not be possible to be completely ready for a novel virus. So there was a reason China might not have been perfectly ready. The US not being ready, however, is about 99% due to your beloved Trump and his puppetmasters.

"But amana tell ya raht now the comin' of the Lord Jesus Chrahst is gonna be a whole lot worse than that vahrus."

He rants and bellows about RBG (he still doesn't know her name) "aborting babies," coming down into the congregation to make sure his spray goes everywhere:

Spoiler

While rattling of all of the call letters of TV stations he doesn't trust, he throws in "Ah don't even believe what Fox says anymore, honey."

Gary, stop calling the congregation "honey."

He rages maniacally about how Trump had better get elected, because Pelosi and the Democrats will bring socialism:

Spoiler

Now, who does that second picture remind me of?

Oh, yeah:

Spoiler

 

The lady on Facebook asked him if he knew what socialism means, he said he "give it to her," and she said that's not what it means. "You know wha she don't believe what it really means? 'Cause she's been indoctored by the media."

He starts ranting about hurricanes in Louisiana, starting with wondering if they follow the news: "Ah'm sure you keep up with Joe Bahden, and about tenth of a ounce of Donald Trump, amen."

The hurricanes, and the fires in California, are "Gowd's" punishment for wickedness. I know this because Gary screams it very, very loudly.

Spoiler

He says there are pictures on Facebook of people holding up signs that say "God, don't come to California."

Google found nothing. And Gary, you are talking about Facebook more than God and Jesus combined in your messages these days.

According to Gary, the media says that Donald Trump is causing the hurricanes, and that the Democrats claim that, if they get in, there will be no more hurricanes, tornadoes, sicknesses or viruses.

He screams about an unspecified church: "they're livin' right, they're actin' right, they're dressin' right, they're spittin' white," but they're not doin' it in the name of Jesus.

He heard about some church somewhere ("ah don't know where it's at, and ah don't wanna know") that, "after all these decades, they're still havin' Facebook church."

Decade? Last time he used that word, he seemed to think it meant all of history - now he seems to think it means a month.

Gary - ten. Ten years in each decade. You're welcome.

He says that people, including a pastor, have told him that his preaching is so hard it makes them doubt their salvation. Gary says that probably means they are not saved. Preachers today are too soft, and he forgets that he already did the ear-tickling shit, and does it again (not reversed this time, though).

Gary reads Genesis 7:16:

KJV:  And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the Lord shut him in.
BGV:  And they that went in, went in male and female - thank God for that, AMEN! There's only two ginders, whether you lahk it or not -  of all flesh, as God had commanded in him: and the Lord  . . . shut him in.

Gary goes off about the "tribbilation." He tried out a meeting in some church, he says "they didn't let me preach," but that's OK, because he would have just made them mad. A boy asked his son (he pauses to say "pay attention Jacob" - I guess just in case he needs Jacob to fill in some of the story - can't have a repeat of Becky's error!) if his Daddy believed they would go through the tribulation. Gary's not going through "one ounce" of it.

Only the unsaved will go through the hell on earth of tribulation, then be cast into the lake of fahhhr. Gary acts out how horrible it will be, and screams something the unsaved person will be saying - sounds like "BEDROCKS ALLLLLLLL! KEEEEEEL ME!"

Spoiler

Then he straightens up and dismissively, quietly says "too late."

Gary says they will cut him off after he says this, but what is needed is "a fasting," but nobody will want to come because there won't be any eating.

Gary, if you are going to turn into Gwen Shamblin Lara, I want to see you in the shoes and the hair.

I'm sad to say they don't cut him off.

Gary veers away from his usual Noah spiel and gets into the "sweet smelling savior" bit - no, he still doesn't realize it's "savor." We get a graphic description of how sweaty and smelly he will be after preaching, and how he will undress and take his shower, with soap and a "worshrag," and shampoo and cream rinse.

Very softly and solemnly: "God smells his people. Ya know what? Some of 'em smell so bad, He vomiks, becowse it makes Him sick."

He says "the rioting" stopped after Trump debated Biden, "becowse it was making the Democrats look bad, but don't worry, it'll be back, especially if they git in office. "VIOLENCE! We have got vahlince all over the place - Worshington . . .State, Chicago . . . Michigan."

Gary, I'm not sure mentioning Michigan was such a good idea. Actually, I don't know if any of it was a good idea -- seems to me the violence is mostly coming from your side, idiot.

Are you ready? Jesus is coming back, and Becky is coming to the piano.

And then Gary is going to take a shower.

Gary, I think you're the one who is "indoctored."

[thoughtful]

Becky gives us a profound thought, and an earworm:

Spoiler

 

[Alisamer]

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Becky gives us a profound thought, and an earworm:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Um... where I come from that IS the last run through of the Hokey Pokey. You put your whole self in...

These people are so dumb. I'm constantly amazed they are able to function.

[Xan]

32 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary veers away from his usual Noah spiel and gets into the "sweet smelling savior" bit - no, he still doesn't realize it's "savor." We get a graphic description of how sweaty and smelly he will be after preaching, and how he will undress and take his shower, with soap and a "worshrag," and shampoo and cream rinse.

Very softly and solemnly: "God smells his people. Ya know what? Some of 'em smell so bad, He vomiks, becowse it makes Him sick."

As usual with Gary, there's a lot of offensive stuff here.  I'm just hung up on the "God smells his people".  I think Gary's just sensitive to smells and he thinks God is too.

  The "vomiks" is familiar.  My crazy, late father-in-law pronounced vomit as vomik.  That's rural and Southern.  

Did he think this through?  (Do the fundies ever think anything through?)  How would a deity overseeing an entire planet smell everybody?  Does Gary think sinners stink?  And, Gary -- maybe you need to clean those cowboy boots.  Maybe that's the source of the bad odor you're noticing.

Gary's just in a snit because he didn't get to use his wonderful tent.  If I remember correctly, he complained before about how hard it was to dry the tent out after it was out in the rain.  I think he said he was there through Friday.  It calls for rain there on Friday.  The thought of Gary dealing with a wet, mildew-smelling tent amuses me.

[Dana723]

Quote

Gary goes off about the "tribbilation."

You gotta be careful with them things.  They're born pregnant and will eat up all your triticale.

[thoughtful]

47 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

You gotta be careful with them things.  They're born pregnant and will eat up all your triticale.

Look what I already had in my "existing attachments!"

Spoiler

 

 

[forgetmenow]

7 hours ago, thoughtful said:

The hurricanes, and the fires in California, are "Gowd's" punishment for wickedness. I know this because Gary screams it very, very loudly.

I'm always amazed when guys like Gary and Pat Robertson completely disregard the lesson from the fall of the Tower of Siloam.  Or Job.  He talks about Job so often and he doesn't seem to realize that the things he says when terrible things happen to people would've earned him a rebuke right alongside Job's "friends".

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

 He talks about Job so often and he doesn't seem to realize that the things he says when terrible things happen to people would've earned him a rebuke right alongside Job's "friends".

What's even more mind-blowing is that he always talks about how most Baptists would be just like Job's friends, and wonder what he had done to deserve the punishment, and how horrible that was of them.

I don't know if there is some line in the sand that he sees but I don't (maybe whether the people who "brought it on themselves" are saved or "of the World"), or if he is just that stupid, petty and dishonest.

Tonight's revival meeting is under the tent.

The video starts with Gary being . . . wait for it . . . petulant! He got the word out with flyers and radio ads, nothin' he can do if people don't come. So I guess they didn't get much turnout.

He tries to be positive. "Ah'd rather have a handful doin' somethin' for God than have a big headache with about 5000 amen!"

Liar.

He tells them they have to pray for no rain on Friday, because that's when the tent comes down.

Gary asks Brother Marshall to stand up and pray for them. I hear two voices shouting out prayers from the congregation  - I guess there are two men named Marshall. Both of them keep going. Not only that, but Gary does his usual moaning and crying out, and since he's miked, that comes out louder than either of them. There is also a bird chirping, people coughing, and traffic noises. For more than a minute, it's a combination Robert Altman film and Charles Ives piece.

Finally, Gary pointedly says "Amen," twice, into the microphone and both men stop praying.

They sing Amazing Grace, and At Cavalry, horribly. They can't seem to get together.

"We're gonna do somethin' that most Baptists hate, amen - we're gonna take up a goffering. Well, we're gonna put the seed, but ah'm not gonna take it from ya if you're not willing to give it listen God's got - God's got it already AMEN!"

He goes on and on about giving, you can give if you want, but you don't have to, he lives on love offerings but don't feel sorry for him, he just gave a missionary the biggest bill in his pocket, etc.

You don't have to give, but if you don't, "You'll be the one who hasta answer to God, you'll be the one who won't get the blessin's, you'll be the one that ain't nothin' gonna happen for ya, AYMUN! Good preachin'."

But, y'know, no pressure.

The Hawkinses stumble through Jesus Passed By, Standing on the Rock of Ages and something else I can't even figure out. They sound utterly atrocious - much worse than usual.

Gary says not to worry about the kids who are making noise, because he can be a lot louder than they can. I guess that's better than saying they should be whipped. He assures them that little children will get more than they think out of a service.

To illustrate, Gary tells them the story of the Catholic woman in New York who came to a service with her two little kids, and "lasted about 20 minutes." Gary claims it's because she was "under conviction," and had to either get saved or leave. ? I've heard that part before - this time he adds that the pastor saw the 3-year-old a few weeks later, and the little girl said she remembered what had been preached; "And it came to pass!"

He says "my wahf 'n' 'em" went back another year and knocked on their door again, and the "husband, boyfriend, whatever he was" wouldn't even let her come to the door (don't know if he meant the child or the mom).

Gary announces Luke 15, then rambles about how they should pray for him because he has to go buy a ladder tomorrow, and why he needs it.

Finally, he reads https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A11-33&version=KJV with many errors and stumbles - the only funny one is that the father tells the servant to put a robe on the prodigal son, then put another robe on his finger, instead of a ring, in the BGH version.

OK, think about the story of the prodigal son for a minute, and everything you've ever heard about it. Ready?

This is the first thing Gary says after reading the verses then praying:

"Now the prodigal son, we're talkin' about, now ah wanna say first of all if the father had had any guts about it he wouldn'ta give that son no money amen? Ya see on Face - if ya watch on Facebook very much, you'll see once in a whahl people will put on there 'n' say 'is it still OK to spank yer children?' Well ah wanna say somethin' ah unnerstand the concept of it, but mah mamma and daddy didn't use the word spank - they BEAT me amen. But if you don't, you don't have to whup your children, that's your problem, that's your business, but amana tell ya what proverbs says Solomon was a wahs man he said you hate your children amen. HAYMEN! Good preachin' if ah am doing it."

Not the usual lesson people get from the story of the prodigal son, Gary.

I must go to bed - I shall continue listening to this festival of love and scholarly understanding tomorrow.

Gary, you are a festering chancre.

Edited October 13, 2020 by thoughtful
missing word

[forgetmenow]

14 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"We're gonna do somethin' that most Baptists hate, amen - we're gonna take up a goffering. Well, we're gonna put the seed, but ah'm not gonna take it from ya if you're not willing to give it listen God's got - God's got it already AMEN!"

He goes on and on about giving, you can give if you want, but you don't have to, he lives on love offerings but don't feel sorry for him, he just gave a missionary the biggest bill in his pocket, etc. "You'll be the one who hasta answer to God, you'll be the one who won't get the blessin's, you'll be the one that ain't nothin' gonna happen for ya, AYMUN! Good preachin'."

Wow!  Has he ever been so blatantly prosperity gospel before?  I know he's begged and toed the line, but this is just Kenneth Copeland, Paul White level.

14 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Now the prodigal son, we're talkin' about, now ah wanna say first of all if the father had had any guts about it he wouldn'ta give that son no money amen?

Woooowww, again!  So Gary doesn't understand that he's calling God gutless, huh?

Edited October 13, 2020 by forgetmenow

[Botkinetti]

It continues to amaze me that people still go and give money to this witless oaf.

I wonder if some of them go in order to feel secretly superior to Gary or their understanding of the bible and life is as limited as his is and they feel comforted by that. I really have no idea.

[Four is Enough]

3 hours ago, Botkinetti said:

It continues to amaze me that people still go and give money to this witless oaf.

This works for Jill, and many others, too. But Gare-Bear leads the pack.

[EyesOpen]

He’s getting more crazy, more hateful...

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

Wow!  Has he ever been so blatantly prosperity gospel before? 

Not that I can remember. He's usually scornful of prosperity gospel.

He generally limits himself to hinting - most of the beginning of that spiel I've heard from him before, but not the "you won't get what you want if you don't give" shit. Like John Shrader, he says "pray for us to get ________" as a way to make his needs known.

The closest I've heard him come is to do one of his standard disclaimers - "I'm not sayin'______," "I unnerstand that ____, but," which are his tell that he's just about to say exactly what he claims he's not saying - then tell a story about something good that came to someone. Even then I can't remember the stories blatantly saying that the person gave money, then was rewarded - usually just that they were saved, or prayed, or otherwise behaved well, then God gave them something.

I think it just slipped out. I guess he really wants a new ladder.

3 hours ago, Botkinetti said:

I wonder if some of them go in order to feel secretly superior to Gary or their understanding of the bible and life is as limited as his is and they feel comforted by that

From what I've heard during the services, it seems like the latter. But it's hard to tell for sure, since we can't see the congregation, just hear them.

And, of course, we only hear the people who are yelling out in assent. As much as I'd love to hear it, nobody ever yells "what are you talking about, idiot?" Or, the moment I've longed for, Gary's  "am ah makin' sense?" being answered with a loud "NO! Not a lick of sense!" Sometimes, I'm happy to say, there is silence, or a reluctant-sounding assent after that question.

I usually hear some people (sometimes only 1-2, sometimes more, but it never sounds like a large group) calling Amen and other yells of support for much of what he says, including the political crap. My impression is that there are very few people at these services, but that some (most?) that attend are very Gary-esque. 

Some of them sound like they are just in the habit of yelling back at the preacher, regardless of what he says. As I've said before, the preaching has a jazz scat-singing quality to it, full of rhythmic repetitions, extreme changes in dynamics and tempo, and absolutely no need to make any sense.

Some people may just be into being the rhythm section for that, "comping" with the occasional ejaculation (you should pardon the expression), and don't feel like they've been to church if they don't get to do that.

Some have a very repetitive, standard yell they use throughout the service - I can hear that it is the same few men, each making their chosen sound, again and again. Women tend to be quieter and sometimes more varied.

I also imagine there is always a contingent who are more literate than Gary - whether they are appalled at his errors when reading from their precious KJV, or sympathetic because they think he means well, I can't tell. I did recently hear a clear chuckle at one of his more egregious mistakes, but usually they just stand there, waiting for him to get through it. Sometimes he gets positive responses to the comments he adds to verses.

I imagine there are some spouses and older kids who are in church because someone expects them to go, rolling their eyes about the idiot guest preacher - I sure hope so!

Perhaps there are even families regaling one another with Gary impressions. I can't be the only person in the world making my mother laugh by yelling HAYMAYUN! now and then.

[Xan]

Gary has posted videos of himself, Becky, and the boys at Myrtle Beach.  He's probably going to have to rest his arm this afternoon after spending so much time patting himself on the back for taking Becky down there.  It's every other sentence -- "I brought Becky to the beach" and "brought my wife to the beach" and "brought my wife for some sand therapy" and "we get this close, I have to bring her to the beach".  We get it, Gar.  You had to put yourself out a tad for your wife.  Get over yourself.

He's very careful not to show us any nekkid people.  He says there's nekkidness around but he won't show it.  He does pan down to his feet and he's standing there in pants and shoes.  I notice he didn't wear his beloved cowboy boots.  I guess it's okay to be short at the beach but not to be nekkid.

I think Gary is ramping up his requests for people to put money in the offering plate because he's got so few marks attendees.  He might have gotten twenty or thirty dollars if there were a couple of dozen people there.  With only 5 or six, he's going to get four or five dollars, pockets change, and lint.  That's not enough for ween gravy and biscuits.

[Alisamer]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

Gary has posted videos of himself, Becky, and the boys at Myrtle Beach.  He's probably going to have to rest his arm this afternoon after spending so much time patting himself on the back for taking Becky down there.  It's every other sentence -- "I brought Becky to the beach" and "brought my wife to the beach" and "brought my wife for some sand therapy" and "we get this close, I have to bring her to the beach".  We get it, Gar.  You had to put yourself out a tad for your wife.  Get over yourself.

The one thing I agree with Becky on -  you get close to the beach, you go to the beach!

Of course, I've not been to a beach since February or so. But I'm not a half-wit grifting bible-thumping charlatan, either.

[thoughtful]

Picking up on Monday's service, at the 35 minute mark, after Gary has given us his . . . unique . . . slant on the story of the prodigal son.

Someone brought a child who is decidedly not  used to hearing the kind of bellowing  Gary does, and who bursts into tears, screaming in fear and/or discomfort, every time he goes off, throughout this entire sermon. Why the parents of this poor child don't just leave is beyond me.

The prodigal son (hereinafter referred to as the PS) left home because he was "tahred of rules." 

Gary says tonight he wants to preach on "Who You Eatin' With?"

Gary says the PS got to the point of wanting to eat the pigs' food because he'd gotten thrown out for lack of rent (OK, possible), and had his lights shut off of for not paying the light bill (um, wait a minute, Gary).

He describes a meal Becky makes for him, that he mixes all together in one bowl, to tell us that that's the closest he would get to eating pig slop. I will spare you the description.

Gary goes back to earlier in the story, and tells us that, when he was indulging in riotous living, the PS was "eatin' with the pleasure of the devil."

Whatever that means.

The PS should not have wasted his money. Mr. No-self-awareness tells us "If you can't afford it, best thing to do is not to go get it, amen?"

Gary tells us about his diet, and how he hasn't been eating Chahnese food, and how the PS was eating the devil's food (chocolate cake?), he was eating out of the devil's table.

After screaming about the devil for a while, Gary tells us about Oliver B. Green and the place in Pennsylvania that is cursed because Green couldn't get any converts during a tent revival there one year (not that I would have understood that's what he was talking about if I hadn't heard the story before).

After his money was gone, the PS was "eatin' in the faymun." Then he defines what "faymun" is, which is good, because nobody would know he was talking about a famine otherwise.

He screams about how the PS couldn't go to the grocery store, because nobody had any food, "IT'S A FAYMUN!!"

Well, also because there were no grocery stores.

He does his anti-college shit, adding "They make sissies outta the boys, and made men outta the girls, AMEN!"

He screams the spiel he usually does in his non-preaching videos, complaining about young preachers who won't take a low-paying pastor job, plant a church, or work a job on the side.

Gary boasts that he has probably paid less than $500 for groceries so far this year, because God/people take care of him. Why yes, he says this shortly after he bitches about young preachers who want everything handed to them and won't work a job to pay their own bills. Nothing hypocritical about that, right? ?

Gary's table "ain't been faymunized. Ya say wha? Ah still got 66 books amen." See, it's a spirtil faymun he's talking about, not a real food faymun. He's deep like that.

Back to the pigs, and Gary's mind wallowing in things that are disgusting. Gary confides in us that there is a food he hates, and will not even let Becky eat - tuna. He makes sure to tell us that it makes him gag.

One of his hosts once made tuna casserole, and there were "enough fixin's" on top ("they casseroled it up real good!") that Gary didn't realize what it was. He took a bite, and didn't have to say a thing, "mah face said it all." He says he drank a lot of whatever they had to drink that night, to get rid of the taste in his mouth. What a charming guest.

Somewhere he preached recently, someone brought dessert, and Gary talks about that for a while, and how he had to resist eating it. Oh, and he doesn't think he can eat pinto beans without cornbread, so he's avoiding pinto beans so he won't be tempted to eat cornbread. That's important information.

Gary, what does any of this have to do with God or Jesus? I think you're just hungry.

OK, back to the PS eating pig slop. He's fixin' to eat with his enemy (Gary has decided that the guy who hired him to feed pigs is an enemy - I don't know why). And the "pandamic" gave people an excuse to quit church altogether.

What? You don't see the profound connection he made there?

And, into the political crap - Biden won't be the next president if the Democrats win. "Nohhhhpe, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope - he's just a puppet."

Yes, I did count the nopes. They were on a sort of descending scale, too!

Socialism, evil TV, etc. "Fox is jest as bad as CNN - they turned on Trump a long tahm ago."

Nobody's ever really liked hard preachin' - John the Baptist lost his head, because (brace yourselves) "he told Herod he shouldn't be with that woman's husband - that husband - that's woman's wife - that woman, amen? That what the Bahble says?"

He actually gets one guy saying "amen" to that mess - pity, I suppose.

Gary says he's "hooked on this Facebook thing," and he's "hooked up" with some news channels. Defensively, he tells us: "Ah've hooked up with the Democrats and ah've hooked up with the Republicans, and if you don't lahk that, honey, jest keep yer mouth shut."

Ah, Gary, arguing with imaginary critics for no apparent reason. Oh, and Gary -  look up "hooked up" in the Urban Dictionary - it should give Becky a giggle.

Gary doesn't watch CNN or Fox, he looks at "the real news." On Facebook.

He's gonna vote early, partly because he won't be in town on November 3, and partly because, if he dies he'll have to vote Democrat. "Some of y'all'll get that after a whahl.

Gary keeps messing up whether he wants to describe the PS's brother the way he has in the past ("jallis"), or use his new adjective for him - selfish. He goes back and forth, and, at one point, proudly tells us that he (Gary) "ain't selfish of nobody."

Gary gives out with one long, roaring string of "come to Jesus" ranting. So he finally got around to the usual interpretation of the PS story - Jesus is always willing to accept you lovingly, even if you have strayed. But he sure does sound enraged about it.

So, eat with Jesus, not the devil, the enemy, the pigs, the faymun, or the jallis selfish.

"See, the King of Kings don't put slop out. The King of Kings don't put uhuh molded food out. The King of Kings don't serve ROTTEN FOOD!"

He decrescendoes through some mumbling about Jesus and end times and the devil, and ends with a final "Who you eatin' with Becky come to the piana."

Gary, thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle (thanks, WS!).

Edited October 14, 2020 by thoughtful
missing word, removing urls for pics that didn't load

[Dysfundamental]

Imagine listening to prosperity gospel from someone as visibly hard up for cash as Bro Gary.

There’s no shame in being poor and/or broke, but if Gary believes that God blesses his most beloved with cash, he should be wondering how he got on God’s naughty list.

[Xan]

"He actually gets one guy saying "amen" to that mess - pity, I suppose."  I laughed out loud at this @thoughtful.  

[Black Aliss]

On 10/13/2020 at 7:37 PM, thoughtful said:

"See, the King of Kings don't put slop out. The King of Kings don't put uhuh molded food out.

So, no red jello with fruit cocktail and mini marshmallows in a ring mold. No salmon mousse in a fish mold. Not at my house, either, Gary.

Thanks, @thoughtful for your hilarious recaps. I don't have the stomach to sit through his videos myself.

[thoughtful]

Last night's video starts with Are You Washed in the Blood of the Lamb. They sound somewhat better. Gary makes sure to repeat the word "worshed" several times afterwards.

 Announcements and Gary begging for money follow. He' s a little hard to hear, because he doesn't have the PA system cranked up the way he usually does, but he says something along the lines of how they get a Social Security check, and they expect that to come, but he has to live on love offerings.

Gary, not everybody is living off of others like you do - some people work hard for a living, or get that SS check because they worked hard for many years. These aren't millionaire trust fund babies in front of you.

Gary tells them that he got his ladder - it goes up 19 feet, but he hopes he never has to go that high. He never even gets on his tiptoes, he's that scared of heights. Jacob and Caleb will be using it.

 They stumble through God's Been Good, and I'm Not Going to Hell. 

Gary says that, after he took his shower and went to bed last night, the Lord "started dealin' with mah heart," and he had to get up and write down what he wants to say tonight. "Ya say wha? Well, ah don't have all-timers, ah have a-lotta-timers amen."

Gary fumphs through https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+9%3A24-28&version=KJV

Gary wants to preach on "Your Appointed Time of Death."

Gary tells us that someone he knows found out today that his grandfather has "cancer of the kidneysssss."

Forty-five minutes of death and gruesomeness follow. Gary wrote down a list of "places in the Bible where people died," and reads lots of death verses from all over the Bible. I don't have the energy to quote them all.

Judas "hung hisself." Gary says that he's never hung himself (good to know), and, that, if he wanted to commit suicide, he'd use a shotgun. "Do you know how much a that stuff has went on through this pandemic of people commitin' suicahd?"

Most of the rest is stuff he's said many times - I don't know why he had to write anything down. I guess the idea of reading about Biblical figures who died and went to Hell, and others who died and went to Heaven (three of each!), was supposed to be the new twist.

He recommends, as he often does, Estus Pirkle's Burning Hell film, and tells us that he knew most of the people in the film. I have no idea if he means he knew them personally, or had just heard of them. BTW, if you've never seen it, it is exactly what you would expect Gary's favorite film to be. 

We have an irony and wife-bossing double play, when Gary interrupts his reading about a rich man who had no place to store all of his crops, snippily says that the man should have helped some people, makes sure we know that helping people won't get you into Heaven, then demands "What verse am ah at, Becky?"

He says he thinks some people who were there last night didn't come back because he talked about politics "That's OK - they kin be ignorint if they want to."

"If we hadn'tna had the Covid-19, you know that  people - them same people would've probably still be dead."

But he's not making light of it, he knows it's real, he won't make fun of you for wearing a mask.

Death, dying, death, hell, Becky come to the piana and more death and dying. You've heard it all before.

Gary finishes up, and people are shaking hands (have I mentioned they are all maskless - well, you probably knew that) and gathering up songbooks, while the video is still running. Gary calls out "Jacob!" several times, with increasing volume, and Becky snaps "JACOB!" twice as loud as Gary, and with an angry edge to her voice. Gary asks (not angry, but not exactly considerate, either), "Are you asleep?"

At first, I thought they didn't see him in the tent at all, and that's why Gary was calling out so loudly, but I think he was right behind the phone, and did, in fact, fall asleep.

Several of the older men stop fellowshipping, turn towards the camera, and are letting out pacifying chuckles and saying things like "uh-oh" and "Guess he's tired - he's worked hard." It sounds like they are trying to cushion the blow for Jacob.

I guess it didn't occur to either Becky or Gary to walk a few feet and gently wake him up.

More quietly, but still with that edge to her voice, Becky says "Get up here and  ____ (I'm not sure, but it sounds like "get these things put up)."

Gary, you're a morbid ghoul, and you and your wife treat your child like slave labor.

Edited October 15, 2020 by thoughtful
the riffles hide until I hit "submit" - I know they do.

[thoughtful]

15 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

No salmon mousse in a fish mold

Salmon mousse was my first thought.

Jesus said unto them, lo, I have turned these fishes into a bounty to feed 5000, and their wives and children. You don't really want it all molded into goofy shapes, do you? just be ye careful of the bones thyself, OK?

 

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

they get a Social Security check, and they expect that to come, but he has to live on love offerings.

Gary there is no "has" here. You choose to live off "love offerings". Stay in one place and get a job for a couple of weeks or months. Go and pick fruit. Go and do some effing labouring work, that'll shift the weight off you more quickly than anything else.

Sheesh, put up and take down your own bloody tent. 

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Forty-five minutes of death and gruesomeness follow.

Gary really would have fitted in well with some of the bloodier death cults.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He says he thinks some people who were there last night didn't come back because he talked about politics "That's OK - they kin be ignorint if they want to."

And they can also choose not to listen to an ignorant blowhard berate them, and then be expected to contribute to his keep. Yeah I'd have skipped after the first night too (mind you the only reason I'd have been at the first night would have been by accident, so there's that.)

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

you and your wife treat your child like slave labor.

What on earth was their problem? Also if the guys in the church think there might be a problem they need to do more than chuckle to try and defuse the situation - I don't care if they believe a child is property, there was no call for that.

[forgetmenow]

Ok, if this has been posted before, forgive me, but I feel like I found a goldmine.  I looked up reviews for The Burning Hell, as one does, and noticed that while Estus Pirkle has a writing credit, the director was a exploitation film director named Ron Ormond.

Following are screenshots of the best summaries and posters (from imdb) of some of his other films from his 31 year directing career:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

They all look wonderful (seriously great camp), but I'm dying to know, with regard to Ormond, "Why did Pirkle pick 'im???"

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by forgetmenow

[thoughtful]

@forgetmenow, thank you so much for finding and posting those! I really want to know how those two men found one another.

Maybe Ormond got saved between 1968 and 1971  - the last five films are all Christian.

[forgetmenow]

24 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

@forgetmenow, thank you so much for finding and posting those! I really want to know how those two men found one another.

Maybe Ormond got saved between 1968 and 1971  - the last five films are all Christian.

That's what I thought might've happened, too.  What's hilarious to me is that even the "saved" ones are totally exploitation flix. ?

ETA:  @thoughtful, your speculation was spot on.  Wiki quote under spoiler:

Spoiler

After making more exploitation films such as The Monster and the Stripper and 1966's The Girl from Tobacco Row, Ormond began making films about Christianity in the 1970s. He had crashed his single-engine airplane into a field near Nashville in 1966 while en route to a screening of The Girl from Tobacco Row, and he seems to have emerged from the accident--he spent months recovering from serious injuries--a Christian.[citation needed] Made with Mississippi evangelist Estus Pirkle, If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, The Burning Hell and The Believer's Heaven address the second coming of Jesus Christ, communism and American conformism, with Pirkle's preaching the basis of the films. In 1979 he directed 39 Stripes, the tale of a former chain-gang member who converts to Christianity. He also directed 1976's The Grim Reaper produced by June Ormond, as well as Surrender at Navajo Canyon for Pete Rice, and a travelogue for John Rice. The Second Coming was next on the agenda, but Ormond died of cancer before production. The script was written by Tim Ormond, and produced by him and June Ormond. The film is dedicated to the memory of Ron Ormond and John Rice.

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by forgetmenow