Bro. Gary Hawkins 15: Not Sweet Fellowshipping with JRod - Yet

[thoughtful]

It must have been raining in Germanton, NC last night, because church was indoors, in the kitchen chapel:

Spoiler

They sing The Dearest Friend I Ever Had, and we get another bored-sounding prayer list. Then prayer requests, most of which can't be heard as someone goes in and out of a very squeaky nearby door (we're talking Inner Sanctum radio show  long, loud squeak), letting it slam behind him, clomping around loudly carrying things around, trying to find a place to put them down, then standing and fidgeting noisily:

Spoiler

Look, I understand wanting to keep prayer a normal, humble thing, and I know people should be able to connect with it without needing either a totally calm, bare, zen environment, or an ornate cathedral. But why make it as ugly, cluttered and noisy as this?

Between the noises, I think I hear a woman ask prayers because she has a cold, and keeps feeling like she's going to throw up, and she feels that way right now.

Great.

There is lots of mumbling, fumbling and confusion about who's going to sing a special, then a group finally sings My Lord Is Taking Good Care of Me, crowded behind the kitchen counter (some kids in there, so I shall refrain from posting a screenshot). They sing For All He's Done. More disorganized milling about, whistling, mumbling, and putting papers back into folders, then a smaller group sings God's Been Good.

The singing is mostly trying-to-sound-country shouting, and not pleasant to the ear. But, so far, the songs all seem to be of the "God is Good" variety, rather than the "fountains of blood, don't burn in Hell, we're persecuted" variety. They seem to favor the semi-pop, Gaither family genre, rather than the old-time hymns from Fanny Crosby and her ilk.

There, I've found something positive.

One of the kids is wearing this shirt:

Spoiler

Most of the men are very casually dressed. I wonder if Gary lectures his family about not dressing up for church. He, of course, is in a dress shirt and tie:

Spoiler

"Fizzions, chapter 5."

He misreads https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A1-17&version=KJV.

Errors are rampant - almost no verse is left untainted. Highlights (besides "saviour" instead of savour, of course) are:

KJV: But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness
BGV: But for fornic - but fornication, and all uncleansness, or covetness

KJV: Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient:
BGV: Neither filth - filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenant:

KJV: no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
BGV: no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covet man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in Heav-  in the kingdom of God - of Christ and - and of God.

KJV: For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:
BGV: For ye were sometimes darkened, but now are ye in the light of the Lord: walk ye as the children of light:

Interestingly, he reads circumspectly almost correctly - he just makes it "circumspectally," which sounds somehow . . . medical.

Gary's How Do You Smell to the Lord spiel follows. He claims he was just thinking about it, and has thought about it before, and mentioned it, but never preached it. Gary, you smell like a liar - I've heard this message at least twice, title and all.

Gary keeps repeating his theme, and adds a syllable to the word smell: "How do you smey-all to the Lord?"

Gary talks about spoiled food, body odor, boys who only want to put on deodorant without bathing, and people who wear too much perfume,  which fits in well with the lovely surroundings.

In the middle of a sentence, Gary says "ah'm this close to the refrigerator, ah'll go ahead git mah own water amen," then digs in the fridge for a while.

Spoiler

Well, clearly we need a new Scripture, despite the previous one being very long, and Gary's not having gone into it in detail at all: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A19-22&version=KJV

KJV: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
BGV: But lay up for yourself treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust nor corruption, or where thieves nor do break through nor steal for where your treasures is, there is your heart will be also. The light of the body is the eye of if therefore the eye be single, the whole body shall be full of luh - of love  - light.

Then, immediately: "Well ah wanna say number one is how does the Lord smell ya on the part of yer givin' 'n' ah'm not just talkin' about now money 'n' ever'thing, you should pay your tithes amen, you should support missions, onandon with y'go with that, but in your giving, what, y'know most people - most people today, this prob'ly been like this for quite a few years, but most people today that are looking for a church, they're lookin' for what the church kin do for them, well ah just wanna let you know that's the wrong attitude, that's the wrong way to look at it, if the prea - church is not preachin' the bahble 'n' ah'm talkin' about the King James bahble 'n' they're not preachin' doctrine, they're not preachin' the death burial resurrection of the salvation, then they're - that's the wrong kinda church, amen, but ah'm talkin' 'bout givin' to the Lord, what can you give to your church, to better your church?"

Another breathless run-on: "Things on this earth don't last forever, but what lastses forever is what's in Heaven amen? Givin' to the - givin' for missions, me and mah family do that 'n' ah'm proud, proud of mah two boys on that part 'n' they do support missions I guess sh-Caleb still does ah know Jacob did two months ago ah don't know what he's gonna do the next two months, uh, but uh, ah'm just sayin' the part of GIVING! To the Lord, how would the Lord rate you tonight in what you do for your church? In what you givin' and not only that listen hey he gave John 3:16 was mentioned this morning 'n' ah'm sure it's a very familiar scripture but for God so loved the world he done what? He GAVE. He gave his what? He gave his son. His son took the place of us, he took the place that because why? 'f I was down on the cross 'twouldn't done a bit of good amen and His blood was precious blood now they say that you can give blood, 'n' ah was in uh Maine here back in the summertahm 'n' this man, the place where we were at takin' showers at this man got a phone call 'n' they was wantin' him because he had in the past donated blood 'n' ah'm sure that you kin give blood, and it'll save some people's lives, but only for a little while, amen?"

After some more babbling, Gary goes to Collossians 3:22:

KJV: Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God;
BGV: Servants, obey in all things your master according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasures; but in singleness of heart, forgiving -  fearing God;

"How would God look at you in the part of smelling of of you how you're living for Him?"

Gary, pick a sense. How would God hear how you taste in the part of proprioception of how you're touching your smell as He looks at you - is it balanced?

I think God has synesthesia.

Gary says we should obey the law, unless the government says don't have church. Mostly we should be obeying God.

Gary says the blessings of God are "a whole lot better than the whuppin's He givesss. Ah lahk it whenever uh so y'know the other day it was a blessing from God now me 'n' Becky's tryin' to figure it out ah guess somebody didn't have no money with 'em the night that we - they took up a collection for us up in the church up in Maryland and last week ah was expectin' to get one of 'em every day ah still hadn't seen but one, but ah got a blessin' from the Lord amen? Now the thing about it is it was doin' pretty good but then Becky seen we got the blessing and she went and spent every bit of it amen. Ah cain't get ahead of the game becowse of ma wahf."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A6-7&version=KJV

Gary reads "finished my core" instead of "finished my course," then drops his water bottle loudly. Luckily, he is in the habit of putting the cap on tightly after he swigs from it.

Gary enjoys some descriptions of how Jesus was tortured, but he didn't quit - he does mention Jesus going to Hell for us in his list.

"If you started somethin' you oughta finish - now we're still wonderin' whether Joey 'n'em's ever gonna finish their house - how many decades has it been now amen?"

Oooooh, mid-sermon burn about worldly things. Bad boy, Gary.

This gets several heartfelt amens from a woman in the kitchen - er, congregation.

He tells us more about the post he made on Facebook about being inspired not to quit (not that he was considering it, of course) because he found out a man was watching his videos. The man is a relative of Becky's, from New York, and Gary's pretty sure he's not saved.

Gary announces 2 Corinthians 5, then jumps to verse 11 without bothering to tell anyone.

KJV: Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.
BGV (with a little help from Gary's phone):  Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, (Dukes of Hazzard Dixie car horn ringtone) and I trust also  - and ah trust also are making manifest in your conscience (long pause, staring at bible) . . . yeah, making . . . therefore.

When Gary's phone goes off, it is very (VERY) loud on the video, but I don't think people around the phone can hear it at all, or can only hear it faintly. Nobody ever seems to react to it.

"How would Jesus smell you in the part of representing Him?"

Gary does his usual bit about being an ambassador for Jesus, and has the nerve to say that the biggest problem with America today is people living in the past. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Daniel+3%3A13-18&version=KJV

Gary tells us about "Nebuchadnezzer, in his rache and furry (sounds like a Friends episode - The One With Ross's Lola Bunny Suit)," the sound of the "psalmistry," and the "fairy furnace" into which Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego (which he can pronounce - those childhood songs did their job) were thrown.

"How's your stand?"

"Music is the biggest killer in our independent Baptists today."

Jeremiah 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Gary, of course, says "knoweth."

"How 'bout this? How would your relationship with God - how would God smell that?"

Gary tells us, several times, that we should pray "a fevrent prayer." "A righteous man would pray fevrently - a unrighteous man don't."

Gary's not a dog fan, he says, because Becky done turned him against them, but God cares about little dogs, because He created them.

2 Timothy 2:15: Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Gary says we should all study the Bible, and really know what it says. "Ah preached a message one tahm over there, where it said that uh Jesus knew men, and he knew his disciples 'n' they told him, they said 'listen hey, ya want us to go tell somebody 'bout you?' He said 'no, just leave it alone, you know what, if ya don't know somethin' ya should just shut up.' That's how simple that is, amen?"

Somehow, Jesus telling his disciples to "just shut up" doesn't sound very KJV to me.

2 Corinthians 13:5 - still reptobate.

Gory burn stories follow, and how we'll smell like burning flesh to God if we go to Hell.

There ain't no such thing as a sinner's prayer, make sure you're saved, vote the way Gary does for four more years of grace, the rich man in Hell is still begging for a drop of water, how does the Lord smell ya tonight?

"Becky come to the piana" is missing from his final wind-down tonight,  since there isn't one. But, since they're in a kitchen, I'm surprised he didn't just substitute "Becky, come to the stove."

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

In the middle of a sentence, Gary says "ah'm this close to the refrigerator, ah'll go ahead git mah own water amen," then digs in the fridge for a while

He thought about asking somebody to serve him but decided to serve himself. Hallelujah.

Quote

Somehow, Jesus telling his disciples to "just shut up" doesn't sound very KJV to me.

Then saith Jesus unto them, "Whatevs, man"

[thoughtful]

12 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

He thought about asking somebody to serve him but decided to serve himself. Hallelujah.

Really - that's a true miracle.

Of course, how he could turn his back and ignore the audience bunch of visiting family congregation, in that very formal, hushed and hallowed setting, I don't know.

[Black Aliss]

Can you tell how many people are in the Kitchen Chapel? I'm, sorry, ah'm wondering if the authories raided the tent and told people to go on home. They're in NC, raht? So no more than 50 people outdoors, 25 indoors. Although can Gary even draw a crowd of 50?

[thoughtful]

16 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Can you tell how many people are in the Kitchen Chapel? I'm, sorry, ah'm wondering if the authories raided the tent and told people to go on home. They're in NC, raht? So no more than 50 people outdoors, 25 indoors. Although can Gary even draw a crowd of 50?

There's no way to tell - we only see whoever comes up to the altar   behind the kitchen counter, and I think that totaled about 10. We don't see them, but I figure Danny, Becky, Jacob, and Gary's mom were there.

Somebody said something about a leak, and Gary told them they'd better pray for no rain tomorrow so they can be under the tent.

So I think inclement (hmmmm, going by his "fevrent" prayers, would Gary say "inlecment" or "inckelment?") weather drove them indoors.

I'm pretty sure nobody was there but family, which I think is Danny's usual congregation.

[keepercjr]

55 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

There's no way to tell - we only see whoever comes up to the altar   behind the kitchen counter, and I think that totaled about 10. We don't see them, but I figure Danny, Becky, Jacob, and Gary's mom were there.

Somebody said something about a leak, and Gary told them they'd better pray for no rain tomorrow so they can be under the tent.

So I think inclement (hmmmm, going by his "fevrent" prayers, would Gary say "inlecment" or "inckelment?") weather drove them indoors.

I'm pretty sure nobody was there but family, which I think is Danny's usual congregation.

The younger guy is Gary's brother Josh.  He has a wife and a several kids, all of which I am presuming were in attendance.  And Gary's sister is usually there with her husband and brood too.  I can't believe how unconcerned they all seem to be to not protect Gary's mom who is waiting for a kidney transplant!  Think she has much of a chance of surviving Gary (and fam)?  My husband's coworker just lost his father in law - he was 72 and he had diabetes and got COVID.  He was doing fairly well and then just suddenly went downhill and died. 

 

[Dana723]

Wow, that is one low hanging ceiling!  I'd be claustrophobic!

[thoughtful]

19 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

The younger guy is Gary's brother Josh. 

Thanks. I thought he looked too young to be a contemporary of Gary's, which is why the possibility that he was Josh didn't click for me.

I guess he's back to work, now that the schools have opened.

 

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Music is the biggest killer in our independent Baptists today."

Well the way you do it Gary... I have to agree.

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Between the noises, I think I hear a woman ask prayers because she has a cold, and keeps feeling like she's going to throw up, and she feels that way right now.

Great.

Oh. Dear. I hope she was able to go home and didn't have to wait for Gary et al to leave.

[Xan]

What the hell is wrong with Gary and his dad?  The mother is waiting on a kidney transplant and they're having home church with no one in masks?  Think of all the germs the people left in that little kitchen.  

I think if you can't get enough people interested in your preaching to let you preach somewhere other than your kitchen, maybe you ought to consider another line of work.  And I doubt that Gary won any hearts or souls with his "Do You Stink to God?" sermon.  (Honestly, Gary -- the answer is that God thinks you stink to high heaven.)

Also, considering how Becky takes care of Gary and how she makes her own money with Tupperware, he could be a little kinder and less nasty in his sermons.  (And now he doesn't like dogs?)  I know that she's a believer but I keep hoping she'll abandon him.  Even Becky can do better than Gary.  

[thoughtful]

I don't even think to comment on the fact that they are crowded together, maskless, singing, and mixing people who have traveled, children, and people who are very ill.

It's like they live in a completely different reality, and we all know they are going to do this shit.

It is still heinous, but it's a given, at this point.

 

[Black Aliss]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Between the noises, I think I hear a woman ask prayers because she has a cold, and keeps feeling like she's going to throw up, and she feels that way right now.

I am officially a terrible person because I hope it's Covid and that she shares more than just her testimony. I'll see myself to the prayer closet as soon as I top off my wine glass.

[forgetmenow]

 

6 hours ago, Dana723 said:

Wow, that is one low hanging ceiling!  I'd be claustrophobic!

Seriously, that and the clutter are giving me anxiety, and I speak as someone with a bit of my own clutter and generally not afflicted with claustrophobia.

I have always had a phobia of small churches, similar to my phobia of interactive theater, though I did wind up enjoying The Blue Man Group.  Maybe Gary should end the sermon by standing on the kitchen altar and covering the room with toilet paper.

I'm trying to picture what a baptism looks like there.  Does everyone crowd into the bathroom?  If they only have a shower stall and no tub, are they Presbyterian? 

[Alisamer]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It must have been raining in Germanton, NC last night, because church was indoors, in the kitchen chapel:

Oh Lord. I know church is wherever people gather, but wow. The kitchen? (I'm not near Germanton but it's been almost chilly and misty rain for a couple days here, so yeah probably rain.)

Quote

Between the noises, I think I hear a woman ask prayers because she has a cold, and keeps feeling like she's going to throw up, and she feels that way right now.

Can we say Covid symptoms? Because those are Covid symptoms. I don't wish ill on anyone, but if they all come down with it they were asking for it.

Quote

In the middle of a sentence, Gary says "ah'm this close to the refrigerator, ah'll go ahead git mah own water amen," then digs in the fridge for a while.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

It's a miracle!

Quote

KJV: Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.
BGV (with a little help from Gary's phone):  Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, (Dukes of Hazzard Dixie car horn ringtone) and I trust also  - and ah trust also are making manifest in your conscience (long pause, staring at bible) . . . yeah, making . . . therefore.

LOL OMG. I am not surprised that's his ringtone. If I ever heard that in the middle of a service I would have to suddenly leave before I burst out laughing. 

Not gonna lie, I loved that show when I was a kid. (I am a couple years younger than Gary, I think.)

Quote

"Music is the biggest killer in our independent Baptists today."

What? I'd love to hear more detail on this from him. It'd be more interesting than "how do you smell to God". 

Although he might be right - singing is a way to really project those Covid-infected microdroplets a good distance. And much of their music is so badly done it kills any enthusiasm people might have for the service. 

 

Quote

"Becky come to the piana" is missing from his final wind-down tonight,  since there isn't one. But, since they're in a kitchen, I'm surprised he didn't just substitute "Becky, come to the stove."

I would have expected "Becky, come make me some dinner."

6 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

I'm trying to picture what a baptism looks like there.  Does everyone crowd into the bathroom?  If they only have a shower stall and no tub, are they Presbyterian? 

Well last night it was probably raining, so they could have gone out and let God do the sprinkling for them. 

But really, it's Gary's people. They probably dunk you in a water trough out in a pasture somewhere, or stick you in a barrel and push your head under. Kids small enough can go in a metal washtub. 

[FeministShrew]

14 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

 

 

I'm trying to picture what a baptism looks like there.  Does everyone crowd into the bathroom?  If they only have a shower stall and no tub, are they Presbyterian? 

When my ex-who-thinks-he's-a-preacher held services in The Church of the Holy Singlewide (his late parents' trailer), his father-in-law "got saved" & a friend who manages a motel let them baptize him in the motel's pool. No joke.
Now Pastor Ex owns a house with a swimming pool and has church in the closed-in carport. Baptisms are few & far between, though, because only his wife, her 2 kids, and his father-in-law attend. 
Damn, I want to point ya'll in the direction of his "ministry center's" Facebook page, but I don't want to dox myself!

[thoughtful]

On 10/27/2020 at 10:45 AM, Alisamer said:

LOL OMG. I am not surprised that's his ringtone.

He also has one that is a familiar and idiotic voice saying "THIS IS DONALD TRUMP," then something else.

On 10/27/2020 at 10:45 AM, Alisamer said:

Quote

"Becky come to the piana" is missing from his final wind-down tonight,  since there isn't one. But, since they're in a kitchen, I'm surprised he didn't just substitute "Becky, come to the stove."

I would have expected "Becky, come make me some dinner."

Well, that was my meaning - I just substituted the needed object.

On 10/27/2020 at 10:45 AM, Alisamer said:

But really, it's Gary's people. They probably dunk you in a water trough out in a pasture somewhere, or stick you in a barrel and push your head under. Kids small enough can go in a metal washtub. 

They seem to favor cricks and ponds. Gary can tell you all of the places he's been baptized, which I remember because of his mildly funny joke that morphed into a meaningless one. He used to say he'd been baptized so many times (and would often list several bodies of water) that the tadpoles knew his sunscreen number. But, at some point, he started saying "social security number" instead, and seems to wonder why he gets blank stares instead of laughs.

 

[thoughtful]

Monday night's revival video looks like this:

Spoiler

They all sing Keep on the Firing Line, a violent little hymn.

The prayer list is mostly drowned out by traffic noises. When Josh asks for prayers for Mama and her treatments, Gary is silent, but he "amens" when Josh asks prayers for tonight's preacher (who is not Gary - the fucked-up priorities are bad, but not quite that bad). Josh also asks prayers for the election, and "Brother Trump."

Most of the prayers from the congregation come from small children, and Josh calls on them with a rather "OK, fine, go ahead" tone to his voice. Maybe he and his wife or sister disagree about asking kids to speak up with what seem to be rehearsed prayer requests, or maybe he's just tired of doing this 4+ times a week. It's hard to hear the kids, but it sounds like they mostly ask prayers for others.

Someone excitedly tells them that a man has gotten diagnosed with Covid-19. "He's got the double pneumonia, and has to have three valves _____(drowned out by noise) in his heart. It really hit ________ (man's name) bad the coronavirus did. He's not well at aowll!

He tells them about another person who has it, and a nearby church in which it is spreading through families.

"This stuff day-eengerous! This stuff day-eengerous! Pray for these people!"

Wonder if that guy is wearing a mask or sitting away from people.

Josh says someone at work's whole family has it. Josh works for the county school system.

Gary asks them to pray  for a church in NY where the "pasture" is going to step down, and they need to find a "pasture" for them. Trying to get the subject off of the real dangers that you are all immersing yourselves in, Gary?

Someone who is a major screamer delivers the general prayer - I can barely hear Gary's prayergasm.

A woman belts our I've Been to Calvary,  a defensive "I'm not rich or educated, but I have Jesus" song,  then What Mercy Did for Me and Wherever You Are, and accompanies herself on the piano, in a pretty good Gospel style. Gary and some others shout praise.

Gary's dad, Danny, comes up to "give mah little two cints worth." He tells the guest preacher, Brother Tommy Holder, that the whole congregation is there, and that they always have perfect attendance "except for Gary when he's out evangelizin." 

He seems to be thanking  Tommy for having hosted him in the past (or maybe he worked with Tommy at some point): "We were there a good while, ah really injoyed it, Brother Tommy, ah hate to go, but ya know how it is, the Lord says y'lnow we bloom where we are, I wanted to be down by the ocean and it didn't work, ah don't unnerstan' 'zactly wha but it didn't, ah tried, tried hard, so ah said we'll just bloom here, everybody's got a different burden, but when ah think o' Brother Tommy, uh, back you remember when in ForSYTH County used to go to school back in the old, 'n' ah drove for 'em, still - still gettin' paid some! Heheh. But anyway, drove _____ (unintelligible), 'n' every day ah drove bah where ah'd (laughs) think about Brother Tommy, was out there, Shila's in the hospital, and ah's concerned, she was in pretty bad shape, ah's goin' in to see her, 'n' ah knew ______ (unintelliglble) about the room, and ah looked, 'n' thar Brother Tommy in there."

People start laughing, and this grows to huge guffaws as he continues.

"Ah honestly couldn't deal with that, ah don't know what ah, ah don't -  if he's come to see somebody, what am I supposed to do? So ah said 'hello, Brother Tommy' and walked off. Until today, ah don't know if ah was supposed to go in there, visit somebody else, 'n' intrude, ah didn't know what to do, so ah walked off. 'N' then ah realized - he come to see mah wahf."

As far as I can tell, Sheila (Gary's mom) was in a hospital, Tommy went to visit her, Danny saw him there, and it didn't occur to him that Tommy would come visit Sheila in the hospital. Apparently this is hilarious. I have no idea if this was a recent event, or an old one. They are shrieking with laughter at the memory. Danny expresses his gratitude for Tommy's visit.

Danny goes on about his former radio and preaching work in North Dakota, and babbles on about other radio stations. I don't have the energy to type that out word-for-word (well, sound-for-sound), but it's just as fragmented as the previous story.

Yes, believe it or not, Gary is one of those people who has surpassed his parent in educational level and ability to communicate.

Danny makes the requisite joke warning Tommy how long he can preach "Joey goes to work first, so as long as you're done by 5:00 AM  . . . "

More singing - There Is a Record Book, another "I have no recognition in this life, but I'm in the book of life, so neener neener" song.

Brother Tommy is up - he warns us that he can get wild while he preaches. He reminisces about the old days for a while, then tells them about the woman who wanted to be buried with a fork in her hand, because, when she was a little girl, her father always told her to hold on to her fork after the main part of a meal, because something better's coming.

Waiting for Gary to steal that one.

Tommy escalates to shouting and screaming mode quickly, and is even more of a rhythmic chanter than Gary or Danny. He also will quote verses he has memorized throughout his message, so fast that they all sound like this: "godblahofnobabbleblessfortheywhodoethblahmumblefumf."

He does have one official reading for his message. He reads as badly as Gary, and also doesn't seem to know the difference between savour and saviour.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+14%3A34-35&version=KJV

KJV: Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned? It is neither fit for the land, nor yet for the dunghill; but men cast it out. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.
BTV: And salt is good: but if salllt have losssst . . .  his saviour, wherewith shall be salty -  seasoned? if salllllt . . .  have losssst . . .  its saviour . . . .  wherewith shall be seasoned? It is - it is neither fit for the Lor- for the lamb, nor yet for the dunghill; but be - but men cast it out. And he that hath an ear let him hear? He that has ears, let him hear.

And yet, if you asked this man about the possibility of using some other translation of the Bible, he would insist that every syllable of the KJV is sacred and not to be changed. In fact, he screams about this later in his message.

"A wanna preach owwn   . . . seasonin'. God has to season you."

"When Gowd seasons a Christian, He testses your faith."

I swear I could open Musescore and notate this sermon. He knows how to use his "rhythm section," too, stopping for the Hawkins family members to get in their yells of amen, c'mown preacher, uhhuh, yeah, yep, that's right, and (my personal favorite), a very dirty-sounding "my, my." (one more "my," and I'd think Joe Kenda was there).

Most of the message seems to be that people will turn against you, and life will treat you like shit, and that's just God trying to season you.

"People let Covid get them out of church. People let Covid git them away from god." (screeching) "WHAAAAAA?!!! WHAAAAAA?!!!!"

Spoiler

Gary's so happy to hear this.

After more seasoning, Tommy starts in on some of the kids. It's hard to tell, but I think he is standing right in front of some teen boys and/or young men for this whole routine.

He warns them that they'd better be careful who they date and marry, lest they be dragged into something horrible like a Methodist church (seriously, he dangles the possibility that a girl could persuade them to go to a Methodist church like it was heroin addiction), away from God's will. God will then need to take you through  _____ (he goes into a long geographical spiel, naming lots of US states) to get you back where you belong, and "He'll take you through garbage to git you there."

Gary loves this, too.

"Amana tell you somethin. Listen to me!" Tommy claps his hands together, loudly and quickly, six times. "Moms and dads, you can take your chil'ren, raise 'em, teach 'em, drill 'em, do what's raht, teach 'em the raht way, preacher preach to 'em, tell 'em the truth, teach 'em the Bahble, drill it in 'em, DO EVER'THIN' YOU CAN FOR 'EM! . . . ONE . . . ROTTEN . . . WOMAN!  . . . Am ah tellin' raht? ONE ROTTEN, WORLDLY WOMAN will destroy ever'thin' you put in their life."

Gary is ecstatic, yelling back at him in agreement.

He keeps at the boys, saying God might want one of them to become a preacher, another a soulwinner, or maybe the other way around. This gets laughs. He says how he's seen good boys and how they react when "some woman comes by," and launches into an imitation of the wordly woman, with high-pitched babble.

I assume this includes sashaying around, or some other "worldly woman" moves, but he's not in camera range. Whatever he does, it has everyone in hysterics laughing again.

Gary is answering and praising him nearly constantly. I wonder if this is about the woman Caleb is dating. Gary has hinted that he's not too happy with her. Maybe Danny and Sheila feel the same way.

Perhaps my perception that some of these assholes set visiting preachers up to address someone they're pissed at - er, excuse me, worried about  - is wrong, but it sure does feel that way. If they do, I guess the theory is that it will seem fresh, unbiased and God-breathed, coming from someone else, rather than the home pastor or a parent.

It's a miracle! God moved the visiting preacher to address your very issue, son! What do you mean, asking me what we talked about when I walked him to his car after dinner? You blasphemer! Reptobate!

Tommy suggests that Sheila's suffering is for a reason - maybe someone else getting dialysis needs to hear about Jesus. Well, she's switching to getting it at home, Tommy - what's your theory now? Is God making her suffer just to "season" her?

He tells some gory death stories - his are aimed at a slightly more positive end than Gary's -  they are about a preacher who was wondering how he could comfort a woman close to death. In previous years, she had lost her husband and son in horrible ways (hence the gory stories). He walked into her hospital room to find her beaming, because she was going to see them soon.

Lots of whooping and hollering follows this story.

"God has gaven you a work to do."

Finally, God wants to season you in the waiting. Tommy's for Donald Trump (surprise!), but even if Biden does get in, they have to keep on going, until Jesus comes back.

He preached a funeral the other day, and there were mourners there he didn't know well. He did what God told him to do and, the family got mad at him for preaching the Gospel.

He winds down with more about seasoning, and rhythmically chanting "would you come, would you come" after telling them they should all come to the altar.

They sing Just As I Am, then Danny launches into something fairly incomprehensible about not missing the will of God, and causing others to burn in Hell, and Oliver B. Greene, and J. Harold Smith - and the video stops.

And now, how it should be done:

Spoiler

 

 

[thoughtful]

Spoiler

Gary, didn't you hear the guy yelling "this stuff dangerous!" Monday night?

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Tuesday night revival meeting. Becky drones the Only One Hour song, and No One Else. A few people come up and sing Thank You Lord.

Danny comes up, and greets someone who is the son of a woman he went to school with. He asks after her, then says he was half afraid to ask because most of his school friends are "pushing up daisies."

I'm happy to say the man's mom is still alive. Danny invites a woman up to sing, and, while she's on the way, says he's glad cousin Steve, who fell off of a horse, is well enough to join them, then mumbles about the trailer they are using for a stage as he steps off of it.

The woman who came up to sing is now my favorite person from any of these church videos, because she actually introduces the song, clearly! So I don't have to google what lyrics I can understand to figure out what the song is! It's Under His Wings. There are a few songs with that title, but at least she made it somewhat easier.

It's Gary's turn to preach. He makes his stupid "Trump doesn't wear glasses, because he has 2020" joke.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+9%3A1-8&version=KJV

KJV: And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
BGV: And he said, Who art thou, the Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou perse - persuaded, persecuted and it is hard for thee to kick against the brick.

Gary wants to preach on Why Not You?

"Apostle Paul here, persecutor of the church, somebody that hated God, somebody that would kill people for proclaimin' the name of Christ, amen? And if, and if somethin', if the Lord don't intervene come November the 3rd, amana tell ya raht now, we're gonna see a whole lot more of that amen?"

Gary, the Democrats in your imagination are nothing like the real thing. And, if any of us hear voices and suddenly become blind on the road, to Damascus or anywhere else, it will probably be yet another new symptom of Covid, not Jesus calling us.

I think Gary was inspired by Brother Tommy - this is an almost non-stop scream-fest. He screams about Halloween, names a bunch of his favorite old-time preachers, and yells "THEY'D PROBABLY BE BEHEADED IF THEY CAME BACK TODAY! Amen."

Acts 16:33- KJV: And he took them the same hour of the night, and washed their stripes; and was baptized, he and all his, straightway.
BGV: Then he took them the same hour of the night, and worshed their stripes; and was baptized, and was baptized, and he and his and he and all his straightway. Lemme read that agin: And he took them the same hour of the night, and worshed their stripes; and was baptized, he and his and he and all his strayway.

Now I'm wondering if he repeated because he thought he'd read it totally wrong (it was actually better than his usual), or he's stealing the repeated reading technique from Tommy.

He's got a new way to describe televisions - "stinkin' unGodly TV."

After one of his pissy "if ah haveta preach and amen myself, we're gonna be here all night," someone who sounds young shrieks AMEN! and someone else laughs. Hmmm, are they mocking Gary?

Gary reads the verse he wrote down in his notes, then realizes it's not the one he wanted. It takes him a while to get his momentum back, and get into his "all lives matter to Jesus" spiel.

The spiritual soap and dishrag make a return! Haven't heard from them in a while!

He says he sometimes tells Becky "If you git rid of that fake smile and git a real one ah'll believe you're happy."

He reads more verses from that chapter of Acts, and rants and screams - nothing else is new, though.

Oh, we do get one detail about the day he was saved that I don't remember hearing before. He says he looked at "the door of goin' out" of the church, and "seen the lake of fahhr. Ah seen burnin'. And hey! Ah seen mahself burning there."

After some more screaming, he threatens them - er, invites them up to the altar. He's still yelling when the video ends.

Edited October 29, 2020 by thoughtful
clarity

[Xan]

31 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

After one of his pissy "if ah haveta preach and amen myself, we're gonna be here all night," someone who sounds young shrieks AMEN! and someone else laughs. Hmmm, are they mocking Gary?

I was listening to one of his sermons and he came across his idea that churches used to have a lot of "Amen" repeated back but that didn't happen as much anymore.  I was a little kids back in the 50's and I sat in my share of Baptist churches.  During a regular service, nobody shouted "Amen" back at the preacher.  Occasionally, there'd be some revival preacher who would get some crowd responses but that was not the norm.  

I think Gary wants everyone to participate and join him on his quasi-spiritual journey down the Bible rabbit hole.  The trouble is that Gar is so incoherent that he's hard to follow.  I think most of the people in his crowd that yell are only doing the "Amen" back to him because of the prompts.  I bet if you asked the attendees to summarize his sermon, you'd get a bunch of different responses.

Bless you, @thoughtful for trying to translate Gary's father for us.  I'd say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but comparing this family to an apple tree is an insult to the tree.  The term that comes to mind is "pig-ignorant" but, again, that's an insult to pigs...

[Xan]

Bro Gary posted on Facebook that he's worried about his tent in the windstorm.

I don't know if any of you are praying people but, if you are, join me in praying that the tent takes flight and ends up miles away in the tops of a clump of very tall trees.  I don't know anyone that needs a preaching venue less than Brother Gary.   It might at least slow him down.

Now, if he had any sense he'd take the tent down to make sure it stayed safe.  That, however, sounds too much like work and no one ever accused Gary of having good sense -- or of having a decent work ethic.

Edited October 29, 2020 by Xan

[thoughtful]

19 hours ago, Xan said:

I was listening to one of his sermons and he came across his idea that churches used to have a lot of "Amen" repeated back but that didn't happen as much anymore.  I was a little kids back in the 50's and I sat in my share of Baptist churches.  During a regular service, nobody shouted "Amen" back at the preacher.

He's always complaining about that. He really wants a mutual screamfest, and it's just not the tradition in some churches. Not to mention that people might not agree with what he says (but, of course, that just makes him doubt their salvation).

19 hours ago, Xan said:

Bless you, @thoughtful for trying to translate Gary's father for us.  I'd say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but comparing this family to an apple tree is an insult to the tree.  The term that comes to mind is "pig-ignorant" but, again, that's an insult to pigs...

You're welcome - it's an interesting challenge. And, yes, pigs are very intelligent, so the Hawkins men don't measure up.

5 hours ago, Xan said:

join me in praying that the tent takes flight and ends up miles away in the tops of a clump of very tall trees

The idea of Gary losing that stupid tent, and nobody getting hurt, is a lovely image.

Last night, the revival meeting started with At Calvary, then I'm Not Going to Hell, and For All He's Done.

Prayer requests - Gary asks prayers that the tent will be safe. Most of the rest I can't hear over the rain, wind and traffic noises.

Sounds like Danny is offering the general prayer, as Gary moans.

More singing - My Lord is Taking Good Care of Me, in My Father's Eyes, Thanks to Calvary.

Gary comes up to preach.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+6%3A65-71&version=KJV

Gary says his oft-repeated line, that Jesus only had 12 people in his church, and one of them was the devil.

He follows it up with "You say, 'well, what're you tryin' to apply?'"

I infer that you meant to say "imply" there, not "apply," Gary.

And of course, he's not "applying" anything, he's just repeating what the Bible says. It says "a devil," not "the devil," but whatevs, Gary.

Gary wants to preach (just for a little whahl) on Are You the One?

Are you Judas?

"People say" (stupid voice) "'Well ah'm a Christian 'cause ah'm saved.'" (back to regular Gary voice, with extreme disdain) "You don't even know what Christian means, bless God, just shet your mouth, HAYMUN!!"

Yeah, that'll win people over, Gary. Dale Carnegie, you're not.

He shrieks about sin and how bad people are, and sin, sin, sin. Also, sin.

We've heard this one before:

Spoiler

Horrible modern music, Niagara Falls on the 4th of July, Ananias and his wife, the black preacher who said Cooper didn't make church unessential, because Christians had already done that, the time a pastor wept because Gary's presence saved his men's meeting, the prodigal son didn't like rules,  the teen who went to jail even though she didn't break the law because she was with the people who did, screwing up the mustard seed quote. Basically, Gary pointing out all of the behaviors he doesn't like, that he has decided make people like Judas.

He screams out a story (he won't name the church or the people, of course, but says they'd all know who it was), about a pastor's wife taking from the missionary funds. The pastor, knowing he had two choices, to "correct" his wife and leave her, or agree with her, took her side and left with her.

He starts screaming about dress standards, and skirts that ride up when women sit down, and "KFC churches," where "ALL YA SEE IS BREASTS, THAHS 'N' LEGS! HAYMEN! Dressed lahk a whoore in the house o' God, make God sick, vomickin', HAYMEN!"

He also screams that "we got sodomite - they not queers, they're sodomite, that's what God said! Because a man wants to look like a woman and a woman wants to look lahk a man! Twelve years ago next month, Cooper got in because a woman wanted to go to a man's bathroom and a man wanted to go to a woman's bathroom! It's all pretty sick raht there, if you wanna know the truth about it, bless God."

His referring to "sodomite," without making the word plural, makes it sound like some sort of substance - sounds like a mineral or stone. "Oh, granite and quartz countertops are passe - everyone's putting in sodomite now!"

Also, I don't think "men in women's bathrooms, women in men's, and a chicken in every pot" was Cooper's campaign slogan, Gary. It's fun to imagine the posters, though!

He goes on about how he wore a long sleeved shirt and long pants at "the coast" (he says you can't say "the beach if you're saved). His nekkidness belongs to his wife, and nobody else.

People mowk him, reminding him that everybody wore robes in the Bible, but he done some studyin', "AND THE MAN'S AND THE WOMAN'S THANGS LOOKED DIFFERENT HAYMEN!!"

He says you should wear a dress everywhere you go, and someone says "if you're a woman."

God puked when women started wearing pants in the 60s, and God is still pukin' at it. I assume Gary has no idea that women all over the world have worn all kinds of clothing, including some sort of slacks, throughout history.

Another resentful, childish rant from Gary.

[Ozlsn]

On 10/29/2020 at 10:31 AM, thoughtful said:

"Amana tell you somethin. Listen to me!" Tommy claps his hands together, loudly and quickly, six times. "Moms and dads, you can take your chil'ren, raise 'em, teach 'em, drill 'em, do what's raht, teach 'em the raht way, preacher preach to 'em, tell 'em the truth, teach 'em the Bahble, drill it in 'em, DO EVER'THIN' YOU CAN FOR 'EM! . . . ONE . . . ROTTEN . . . WOMAN!  . . . Am ah tellin' raht? ONE ROTTEN, WORLDLY WOMAN will destroy ever'thin' you put in their life."

For sure there Tommy - men have literally no control over their lives. Can't do a thing in the face of temptation. Which is why they should be covered from neck to ankle at all times, andalways travel with an accountability partner.

Also run far away Caleb - and further still, Caleb's love interest.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Dressed lahk a whoore in the house o' God, make God sick, vomickin', HAYMEN!"

Damn, now I really want a JRod/Gary cross over.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

People mowk him, reminding him that everybody wore robes in the Bible, but he done some studyin', "AND THE MAN'S AND THE WOMAN'S THANGS LOOKED DIFFERENT HAYMEN!!"

Not sure that Gary has in fact done studying.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

His nekkidness belongs to his wife, and nobody else.

First or second Gazza?

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

 

Gary's dad, Danny, comes up to "give mah little two cints worth." He tells the guest preacher, Brother Tommy Holder, that the whole congregation is there, and that they always have perfect attendance "except for Gary when he's out evangelizin." 

He seems to be thanking  Tommy for having hosted him in the past (or maybe he worked with Tommy at some point): "We were there a good while, ah really injoyed it, Brother Tommy, ah hate to go, but ya know how it is, the Lord says y'lnow we bloom where we are, I wanted to be down by the ocean and it didn't work, ah don't unnerstan' 'zactly wha but it didn't, ah tried, tried hard, so ah said we'll just bloom here, everybody's got a different burden, but when ah think o' Brother Tommy, uh, back you remember when in ForSYTH County used to go to school back in the old, 'n' ah drove for 'em, still - still gettin' paid some! Heheh. But anyway, drove _____ (unintelligible), 'n' every day ah drove bah where ah'd (laughs) think about Brother Tommy, was out there, Shila's in the hospital, and ah's concerned, she was in pretty bad shape, ah's goin' in to see her, 'n' ah knew ______ (unintelliglble) about the room, and ah looked, 'n' thar Brother Tommy in there."

People start laughing, and this grows to huge guffaws as he continues.

"Ah honestly couldn't deal with that, ah don't know what ah, ah don't -  if he's come to see somebody, what am I supposed to do? So ah said 'hello, Brother Tommy' and walked off. Until today, ah don't know if ah was supposed to go in there, visit somebody else, 'n' intrude, ah didn't know what to do, so ah walked off. 'N' then ah realized - he come to see mah wahf."

As far as I can tell, Sheila (Gary's mom) was in a hospital, Tommy went to visit her, Danny saw him there, and it didn't occur to him that Tommy would come visit Sheila in the hospital. Apparently this is hilarious. I have no idea if this was a recent event, or an old one. They are shrieking with laughter at the memory. Danny expresses his gratitude for Tommy's visit.

Danny goes on about his former radio and preaching work in North Dakota, and babbles on about other radio stations. I don't have the energy to type that out word-for-word (well, sound-for-sound), but it's just as fragmented as the previous story.

Yes, believe it or not, Gary is one of those people who has surpassed his parent in educational level and ability to communicate.

Danny makes the requisite joke warning Tommy how long he can preach "Joey goes to work first, so as long as you're done by 5:00 AM  . . . "

 

If you paid two cents for that you have been robbed.

[smittykins]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He shrieks about sin and how bad people are, and sin, sin, sin. Also, sin.

You forgot sin.