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nelliebelle1197

Bro. Gary Hawkins 15: Not Sweet Fellowshipping with JRod - Yet

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nelliebelle1197

So I stopped by for my occasional Bro. Gary visits and my former friend @Fruitcake gives me the nightmare that will haunt me forever. And now it will haunt you.

 

 

 

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clese
Posted (edited)

since I got blocked by gazza I come here to catch up. 

not often enough it seems because I had a whole lot of reading and I'm CRYING!!

Edited by clese

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)

I forgot to post earlier - I did find something about the church in California, but from a very biased source. It sounds like they were fined for singing maskless, not holding church.

Quote

North Valley Baptist Church in Santa Clara, California was also fined $5,000 for singing in each of the two worship services yesterday, although social distancing was practiced. The four-page letter posted on the front door of the church said, “North Valley Baptist is failing to prevent those attending, performing and speaking at North Valley Baptist’s services from singing. This activity is unlawful. The county understands that singing is an intimate and meaningful component of religious worship. However, public health experts have also determined that singing together in close proximity and without face coverings transmits virus particles further in the air than breathing or speaking quietly.

Bolding mine.

https://lc.org/newsroom/details/082420-ca-churches-fined-for-worship-1

Revival tonight, at the church of the parking problem (I looked up the address - it's a house in a residential neighborhood, with no parking lot or even a driveway, just a lawn. I wonder what the neighbors think).

The video is an hour and 43 minutes long. The music doesn't take up much of that, and it cuts off before the altar call. So it is almost that much of just Gary, Gary, Gary.

The service starts with piano and singing: There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood, He Keeps Me Singing (definitely in the college fight song hymn category, musically, especially the way Bro Henry pounds it out). Then Henry switches to the violin for Brethren We Have Met To Worship. Henry says something about phones, but I can't hear all of it - it mostly sounds like a gentle reminder to have ringers off, how he thinks they're unpredictable and he's always afraid his is going to make sound by accident, etc.

Gary moooos a few Amens as he brings his Bible to the lectern, then makes them yell about how they are glad to be in church until he's satisfied it's almost loud enough. The Hawkinses sing I'm Standing on the Solid Rock and I Can't Quit - two of their better numbers. 

Before they sang, a member of the congregation took away Brother Henry's water bottle, so only one for Gary remains. Gary put something under it when he brought up his Bible, so I'm pretty sure he knows it's untouched and for him. But when he comes up to preach, he asks if it's his water bottle, and then says "Are ya sure about that? Because ah do not want no coronavahris from none y'all, amen." Takes a big swig, as Becky brings him another bottle. "Ah cain't afford it."

He says that Becky thinks she wouldn't survive if she got it, and he thinks she should be more positive. After all, if you're saved, you go to Heaven! He also says he's glad Henry said something about the phones, because he wouldn't be so nice. He says he plans to get through his points tonight, since "last naht y'all made me mad, so ah went crazy, amen. So if ya don't make me mad, ah won't go crazy."

So he's back to the theme of Is It Real.

Gary reminds them that "the drunk of Frankfort" or "the harlot - if ya got one" is not going to hurt the church - the hurt will come from people inside the church.

Gary reads the Doubting Thomas story again, with some new errors, some old ones, and a good long hiss on Didymussssss.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+20%3A24-31&version=KJV

Protect your irony meters - Gary interrupts his message about what is real, to say something incoherent about how he's typing things out now when he prepares, and Becky says he makes a lot more sense.

Back to what's real - only two genders, male and female. If you wanna be something else, an alien or something, find a country that allows that kind of stuff. Husbands over wives, wives over children, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A8&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+2%3A3&version=KJV

Job leads to a long harangue about trials and tribulations and pain, because the devil comes after people who serve God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A13-16&version=KJV

The first thing he says after reading that is; "Ah wanna say - frenemies."

Gary says when he  ran out of money, he went without, and how he never wastes money. He screams at them about not wasting money, air-punching his way into the congregation until he disappears off to the right for a while. When he returns, he calls toward the back "It'll be all right, sit down, everything's all right. Y'all, y'all 'bout to get to me tonight. Kids gonna make me mad we'll be here 'til twelve o'clock. This is church tahm. Now where was ah?  . . . . WASTING THANGS!"

Did he scare some child into getting up and starting to leave?

Gary gets graphic about what hogs are fed and how, if he ever had to look at it again, whatever he'd just eaten would join it in the trough.

He tells them they don't need fancy cars, like the "Elvis Presley pink Cadillac."

Gary the time traveler strikes again!

He rants on about waste, telling us that his mother's well water has iron in it (hey, Gary, you missed the drift on the Rods' thread!), so they buy big bottles of water from Walmarts for everyone to drink, and go through 30-40 of them a week. "Now that mah mother's dawg can only drink water that comes from out of a bottle or whatever 'n' ever'thing, they's bottle of waters left all around, every which way."

He does admit that he and Becky also use a lot of bottled water, since they've been traveling.

He also tries a little self-deprecation when he gets back to friends vs. frenemies - he says "a real friend will drive an hour and a half to hear you preach, and ah wouldn't cross mah street to hear mahself preach!" He gets a loud, solid AAAAMEN from a man. 😁

Back to the prodigal son:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A25-32&version=KJV

KJV: Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing.
And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.
And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.
And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him.
And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:
But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.
And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.
It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

BGV: And the Bahble says: and the and his elder brother now listen hey this story that ah was talkin' about with the prodigal son gittin' all this stuff, that was a real story, that really happened. Most people say that some of this stuff is fairy tales, no, it's not. Verse 25 of Matthew, ah mean Luke 15 and the Bahble says:
Now his elder son was in the feel and he came and drawed naah to the house, and he heard musick and dancing
And he called one. Of the servants, and asked what these things meant.
And he said unto him, Thy. Brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safely and safe and sound.
And he and he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him.
And answered and said to him his father, Lo, these many years that I served thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandments: and yet thou never gaveth me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:
But as soon as this thy son whi-wa- was come. Which hath devoured thy living and with harlots and thou hast killed for him the fatted calf
And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine
and it was meet meet that we should be - make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and is not lost - and was lost, and is found.

The older brother was "jallis," and "we need to be very keerful when it comes to jallisy." He says "jallis" and "jallisy" over and over, and tell us about the church in California that keeps getting $5000 fines. They have a big congregation, but Gary would rather have a small church and no fine, so he's not "jallis" of them.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A19-32&version=KJV

Rich man, Lazarus, people dying in fires, horrible burns, volcanoes erupting so Hell can expand - you know; science.

Gary watched Estus Pirkle's Hell film again (I wonder how many hundreds of times he's seen it?), and he tells us about the scene with worms gnawing at a man in Hell. "That's not a pretty sight."

Talking about fire sends him off on a cooking tangent - air fryers are EVIL!

But mostly, he's really laying on the frightening, disgusting descriptions of Hell. I know there is a tiny child there, because I hear cooing and talking and something that sounds like plastic quietly clacking together (toy? cups?) - he or she seems completely unfazed by Gary, I'm happy to say. But, if there are any kids from pre-school to pre-teen there, I hope he hasn't given them nightmares.

Well, I spoke too soon. Right after I wrote the above, Gary got louder and louder, doing his "don't ask me to preach at your funeral if you didn't live a testimony" crap, ending with one of the loudest bellows I have ever heard from him: "AH WILL NOT BE A COMPRIMAHSIN' YELLA BELLIED LIZARD-TONGUED JEZEBEL PREACHER! AH WILL TELL THE TRUTH!"

And that little one started to cry - loud, hard, frightened wailing. S/he did calm down quickly and start sounding happy again, I'm glad to say. But no thanks to Gary the howling dick.

Genesis 7:21-22 - KJV: And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

BGV: And all flesh did - all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of the fowls of the - yeah uh the fowls and of the cattle, and of the beast, and of every creepy thing - and of every creepy thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All ah and all in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

Gary says someone called him a name the other day. "Ah'm a idiot for Jesus, ah don't have a problem sayin' it. Ah'm an idiot for Jesus."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A5&version=KJV

 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

Gary Hawkins reads that verse, and all the irony meters in the world explode. He tells us not to be a show-off. He had to listen to some guy pray somewhere who went on and on, and was just trying to show "how he COULD GET IN TOUCH WITH GOD!"

:angry-banghead:

Gary says he'd better not see any of them in tight jeans like those megachurch preachers. "Don't wahr somethin' that's SMALLER THAN YOU ARE  AMEN!"

Somebody gave Gary a pair of pants that were too small, thinking they might fit now that he lost weight. And he won't wear them. Good for you Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+14%3A11&version=KJV

He tells us that, when you go to court in North Carolina, anybody can come watch, but, in West Virginia (and he says he doesn't know if it's just family court), nobody is allowed in but the people involved.

I think you're on to something, Gary - maybe your NC court experience was not family court. Something criminal, perhaps?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A9-12&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+3%3A7&version=KJV

"Did you know that's in Hell now, and will have to go to Hell, people that're too smart to get saved."

From your POV, Gary, does that include everyone who can put together a sentence?

The anti-education rant follows, with a lot of nastiness about the people on the Facebook argument.
"They throw back and forth Heee -brew 'n' Greek. Ya wanna be one o' those who can read it and can study study it, help yourself." "AH'M A HILLBILLY THAT SPEAKS HILLBILLY, NOT GREEK AND HEBREW!"

He mocks algebra (doesn't he know it's called "algebra math?"), and can't figure out why Becky tells him that he actually uses it and doesn't realize he does. Then he tells an old story (from "when we had all seven of the children") that's not clear, but it sounds like he shamed a "Walmarts" cashier for her lack of math skills, and talks about how kids today aren't learning their math.

Gary wants it both ways - he wants to claim down-to-earth country boy status and mock (excuse me, mowck) the educated, and do the "these kids today aren't learning like I did when we were in school" routine.

Pick your stereotype, dude.

He does the "King James Bible is the easiest to read" bit, and adds "Ah'm not sure 20 years of schoolin' is enough to figure out what the Jehovah's Witness book sayssss." Gary said he tried to read it last year. "Whenever they got to Luke 16, they just they just to the part made a mowck of what they were doing."

"We're almost reliving, Covid-19 is almost lahk repeating uhuh uhuh Pharoah in Israel."

"We don't need a lot of THEology preachers, we need some God called ones."

Gary admits he skims the Bible, he doesn't go deep, but he doesn't "throw up on" people who do.

Well, it's good to know that Gary won't throw up on people.

Especially right before an altar call.

 

Edited by thoughtful
fixing a link

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Ozlsn
3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He says he plans to get through his points tonight, since "last naht y'all made me mad, so ah went crazy, amen. So if ya don't make me mad, ah won't go crazy."

"Look what you made me do..."

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Talking about fire sends him off on a cooking tangent - air fryers are EVIL!

WTAF here Gary? Are you worried it'll become the air fryers of hell?

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

ah wouldn't cross mah street to hear mahself preach!" He gets a loud, solid AAAAMEN from a man. 😁

And yet... here he is.

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary admits he skims the Bible, he doesn't go deep

Or understand most of it - he just likes the violent revenge porn bits. Particularly the bits with fire. And worms.

He's totally hanging out to see all those people who called him an idiot suffering in hell.

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smittykins
9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 but it sounds like he shamed a "Walmarts" cashier for her lack of math skills, and talks about how kids today aren't learning their math.

Ten bucks it’s because she was using one of those newfangled cash registers that figure out the change for her so she didn’t have to learn to count it back.  Rufus knows I’ve seen enough rants about that on FB.

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thoughtful
7 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

"Look what you made me do..."

You got it. Gary fits yet another stereotype of abusers everywhere.

Today's posts - Gary is a zero-sum kinda guy, but I don't think it's supposed to be a competition, dude:

Spoiler

image.png.e507eefc545aa18ea426884194de050a.png

 

I would pull out individual nonsense phrases to mock and suggest for embroidery, but there are just. so. many:

Spoiler

image.png.53cfcf9fc077f9ce4d04dc65fa532003.png

Gary, you're a poet.

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AmazonGrace
Quote

"They throw back and forth Heee -brew 'n' Greek. Ya wanna be one o' those who can read it and can study study it, help yourself." "AH'M A HILLBILLY THAT SPEAKS HILLBILLY, NOT GREEK AND HEBREW!"

But somehow he's the expert on what the original Greek and Hebrew says and why KJV is more accurately translated.

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thoughtful
9 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

But somehow he's the expert on what the original Greek and Hebrew says and why KJV is more accurately translated.

Until I saw that Gipp video Gary posted, I would have answered that Gary doesn't care about any of that, because he believes that God came down and magically inspired King James' men, telling them what He really meant to say, word by word, from Genesis on.

I always get the impression, from people who make that argument, that what was in the original languages doesn't matter to them, because they believe that God was dictating everything directly, in Elizabethan English, and patiently waiting for the "translators" to write it out, re-dip their pens, hone a new tip, go to the outhouse, stop for a meal, get some more ink, and so forth. I don't know if they think God hung around to help them set up the printing press, set the type, and bind the books.

But the ruined coffee shtick in that video dealt with previous scholars pulling translations from two different traditions (nice Antioch vs. evil Egypt).

So, if Gary watched and understands that video, and didn't just google "KJV good, other bad" to find things to post, he does have a preference for pre-KJV translations.

At least the old explanation was consistent.

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Dana723
17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says when he  ran out of money, he went without, and how he never wastes money. He screams at them about not wasting money, air-punching his way into the congregation until he disappears off to the right for a while. When he returns, he calls toward the back "It'll be all right, sit down, everything's all right. Y'all, y'all 'bout to get to me tonight. Kids gonna make me mad we'll be here 'til twelve o'clock. This is church tahm. Now where was ah?  . . . . WASTING THANGS!"

Did he scare some child into getting up and starting to leave?

 

What the absolute holy heck? 

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Xan
Posted (edited)

Sorry.  Posted in wrong thread.  Oops.

 

 

Edited by Xan

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)

Tonight's revival starts with Victory in Jesus, with Brother Henry at the piano. Then Higher Ground, Henry switches to his fiddle for  Springs of Living Waters.

As he and the Hawkinses trade places, he puts on a mask! Will wonders never cease:

Spoiler

image.png.e055859fe7fbb0e2fcc12be99b47d4a0.png  

Becky sings One More Time and It's Under the Blood, while Gary sits and occasionally calls out an AMEN.

Gary gets up and does his usual blood spiel. He also says he was pumping gas and the advertising TV at the pump said something about beer, "and  drink" . . . he stops and looks at Becky.
Becky: "Responsibly."
Gary: "Responsible. 'N' ah thought, how in the name of God can you drink responsible?"

You can't, Gary, unless Celestial comes with a tea called "Responsible." As Becky tried to tell you, the word is "responsibly."

This just gave me a thought. Can you imagine playing Mad Libs with Gary? Does he know any of the parts of speech?

Gary tells them to turn to John 20, then does his last night thank-yous (I think Becky has been reminding him to do this lately), then rambles for a while about Satan, Becky and Brother Henry trying to get him not to talk so long tonight (but he won't apologize for last night "because ah ain't sorry about it so why would ah do that amen?"), how Becky turned on one of the air conditioners in the church wrong and the power went out, but Gary got it on again.

He finally seems to remember he was supposed to read something. It's doubting Thomas. Again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+20%3A24-29&version=KJV

Tonight, Gary adds a bit to verse 25.

KJV: The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

Bro Gary Version: The other disciples therefore said unto him, We. Have seen the Lord but he said unTO  them, Except AH see the Lord in his hand the print of the nails, and put my finger in the print of the nails, and thrust my han in his sahd, I will not believe. Man that's a sad statement to make, amen? Because those that don't believe in the Lord Jesus Christ go to hell.

Again, the theme is what is real.

Gary says there's enough proof on the earth, and in the earth, in the Bible, that Jesus is real. He goes on:

"An' ah wanna tell you somethin', you havin' a problem with that is an issue of the part of  uhuhuh you thinkin' that you know more than God does, because Gah - there's no scientist ah've traveled enough of America, ah've not been to all of the states but ah've traveled enough of 'em that the scient - that the scientists should not do as good a job as God done amen? And he - and uh and your breath tonight that you're breathing comes from God, amen? You may think it comes from your lungs, but God puts it in 'er because it said whenever He uhuhuh made man, what He done was is He breeeeathed in his nostrilssss  . . . his salva - his soul amen?"

You tell 'em, Gary. That would knock the doubts right out of any Thomas!

He reminds them that he will not get to finish the message because "Sunday naht somebody made me mad and the Lord made me go a different way, amen."

Gary, you roaring bag of wind - if there is a message in all of this crap, you could have delivered it in two half-hour talks, if your ego and temper didn't take over, and your mind didn't wander like a drunken fainting goat. Don't blame God.

He reminds them that he left off last night at "too educated to be saved," but he's not gonna go there again. Fine, Gary where ARE you going to go? You are almost a half-hour into this service.

Revelation (Gary says "Revelations," of course, three times), 20:15 - And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

Well, "lake of fahhhrrr," in Gary's version.

He explains that the lake of fire is not like the nice lake he went boating on last week. Here's something new - Gary thinks there are varying temperatures in the lake of fire. He says you'll be continuously falling there, and then has an unfortunate issue with plural vs. singular, saying "there'll be no bottoms there." I'll wait while our inner 12-year-olds giggle together.

Gary goes into a long fan-fic about the bureaucratic process of being called up from a book of many pages to be judged - he's not sure if we'll be listed by last name, first name, or a new name, and there will be a lot of waiting around.

He reminds us that Hell is in the center of the earth, and that the volcanoes enlarge it, then screams about the Lamb's book of life and the Rapture for a long time.

"You say the Catholics is wrong? Yeah, any man that tells you that you have to come and pray to him and give him money, he is straight out of the pits of Hell, amen."

The Pope/dope joke falls flat, but "AND IF THE POPE DON'T GET SAVED HE'S GONNA FRAH IN HELL!" gets a "That's right!"

Gary goes on roaring shit about the Pope, including a sneering "that's a man puttin' his collar on backwards, bless God, amen?"

Hebrews 9:27 - And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:

Lots more judgment. You'd better be out there Godbothering everyone you meet.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+10%3A25&version=KJV

Gotta assemble together. Gary talks about the churches being fined in California, and lies again about why they were fined.

"You married? How would you lahk for your wahf or your husband to cheat on you? Would you lahk it? You know what? When you don't come to church, you're cheatin' on God. Amen? We are His bride am ah not raht about that? Am ah not preachin' King James amen?"

"You can do all the things we do at church, at home. You can do that, except you cain't be right with God."

Gary says the only people who should work on Sundays are doctors and nurses, in case he needs one.

He does his good music/bad music riff.

1 Peter 5:8 - KJV: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour
BGV: Be sober, be village-int; because your adversary the devil. Is as a roarin' lion, walking about, seeking. Whom he may devour

Gary starts to talk about the devil, and makes a pissy comment about someone's phone, then ties them together, saying the devil will make you look down at the phone, instead of up. Claiming you have the Bible on your phone won't persuade him because "you also have wickedness and witchcraft, and stuff on uh GAY - let me just let you know something - ahh- ah'm goin' on with it, bless God, it'll be awraht - THEM GAMES ARE WICKED!"

I think the "gay" above was his actually starting to say "games" and interrupting himself, as ever. Not that Gary wouldn't also condemn anything gay, but you know he'd use the word "sodomite."

Gary tells us he got his first cell phone when he was 25, and how that would be considered child abuse today. Gary, you were born in 1972 - nobody had cell phones when you were a child.

"AH'VE NEVER - since ah've been raht with God - EVER LOOKED AT ANY PORN - JUNK - ON MAH PHONE!"

Love that quiet legal disclaimer in the middle. Since he also got saved at 25, it sounds like he either had a very short window of opportunity, or something he saw scared him into getting saved.

He says sometimes things just "pop up" on his phone, and he immediately takes it to his wife. :roll:

When Gary got his first cell phone, from an employer, he spent every spare minute playing "a stupid game" with a snake chasing dots. I guess that was before he switched addictions.

He screams about anybody over 30 knowing that movies and cartoons today being worse than it was, and follows up with a great example (at top volume): "A OUIJA BOARD - ON THE WALTONS!!"

Gary, The Waltons went on the air the year you were born, so this is some easy math - 48 years is a longer time than 30 years.

Now they got Siri, and if you ask it about God, it says "I don't know."

Ooooooh, scary. Maybe he was trying to say that Siri has replaced the Ouija board, so things are worse than they were decades ago. It's always hard to tell, with the mess that Gary thinks of as "talking."

Does he think Siri is some sort of witchcraft? Is she in a coven with Alexa, Gary? I can hear them chanting now:

Double double, toil and trouble, stir the soup before it bubbles.
Fillet of a sirloin steak, put potatoes on to bake.
Make sure mom updates the vlog, Tell the kids to feed the dog. 

As soon as you turn the TV on, "it's gonna have some sort of cuss word, or nekkid women (and for you women, it's gonna have some nekkid men in there)."

He's wasn't planning on saying all of this stuff, but it needs to be said. He goes off on casinos, liquor (he brings up Billy Sunday and his son who dahd of drank, and, of course the one-beer-a-day guy).

He also challenges 1 Timothy 5:23 - Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.

He doesn't look at it in the Bible, and misquotes it as "Use just a drop or a little bit of liquor or whatever for your stomach's sake," and goes on to tell us that, in those days, they used it as "madison." So it doesn't make it OK for Brethren to drink any today.

Of course, Gary won't accept any "in those days" explanations about anything else. And if anyone else challenged a verse of Scripture and the way Gary interprets it, he'd be screaming that they'd split Hell wide open.

But Gary has decided that his historical knowledge of ancient "madison" supercedes the God-breathed KJV translation of Paul's words.

Just in this one case.

Because reasons.

He drags on for another 20 minutes, mostly with things you've all heard over and over, and lots of promises to finish up, because he knows they're done, and dozens of repeats of "Ah wanna tell ya somethin'".

He says that if he had the money, he'd buy a TV station TODAY, because there are enough false prophets, and we need somebody to preach the truth.

He talks about the argument on Facebook again, and how he "gave them scripture after scripture," but "they kept on denyin' it," and finally posted the Sam Gipp video, "and the guy says 'you're crazy - I'm not listenin' to that.'"

Gary, you've been caught in a lie. What a surprise.

"God's sniffin' you - how do you smell?" God doesn't have Covid or allergies - His nose is clean.

He keeps screaming and ranting over Brother Henry playing Softly and Tenderly.

Take a hint, Gary - softly. Tenderly.

Edited by thoughtful
accidentally hit submit to soon - finished by editing
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EyesOpen

May I vote Gary the howling dick’ or ‘an idiot for Jesus’ as thread titles with never ending thanks to @thoughtful who sacrifices so much to bring us these recaps!

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thoughtful

Becky reposts:

Spoiler

image.png.29740b60222a11720e44ea62c28c7ee9.png

The meme fails to mention that they also have a lockdown that people like Becky and Gary would be screaming about.

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-uganda/ugandas-tough-approach-curbs-covid-even-as-africa-nears-1-million-cases-idUSKCN251159

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Uganda closed schools and banned large gatherings three days before confirming its first case on March 21. By the end of March, most businesses were shut, vehicle movement was banned, and an overnight curfew was in force. Masks became mandatory in public in May.

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Uganda - like China - could enforce aggressive containment measures with little domestic opposition.

In March, local media carried images of a paramilitary force beating fruit vendors and pedestrians for breaking work and travel restrictions. Military spokeswoman Brigadier Flavia Byekwaso said they were “overzealous in enforcing the measures.”

 

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smittykins

I don’t know about anyone else, but “Higher Ground” makes me think of Stevie Wonder.

 

 

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Black Aliss
Posted (edited)
On 8/24/2020 at 11:28 PM, thoughtful said:

Before they sang, a member of the congregation took away Brother Henry's water bottle, so only one for Gary remains. Gary put something under it when he brought up his Bible, so I'm pretty sure he knows it's untouched and for him. But when he comes up to preach, he asks if it's his water bottle, and then says "Are ya sure about that? Because ah do not want no coronavahris from none y'all, amen." Takes a big swig, as Becky brings him another bottle. "Ah cain't afford it."

Wait. I thought he told Becky it'd be okay if she died of COVID because she'd go to heaven, if'n she was saved, of course.

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 Protect your irony meters - Gary interrupts his message about what is real, to say something incoherent about how he's typing things out now when he prepares, and Becky says he makes a lot more sense.

Back to what's real - only two genders, male and female. If you wanna be something else, an alien or something, find a country that allows that kind of stuff. 

Irony meter switched to log scale. I know what's coming. Like the US, Gary? Maybe you should move to Uganda. Great Christian nation. They hate all the same people you do. 

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He also tries a little self-deprecation when he gets back to friends vs. frenemies - he says "a real friend will drive an hour and a half to hear you preach, and ah wouldn't cross mah street to hear mahself preach!" He gets a loud, solid AAAAMEN from a man.

That's a man whose wife made him come to revival tonight.  I have to admit that, even though I've never been into performance art as a genre, with all the other entertainment venues shut down, I would drive an hour, maybe an hour and a half to catch the Gary Weens Show. I'm not worried about someone here holding me to that because we all know Gary's vee-hick-al can't make it over the Continental Divide.

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Talking about fire sends him off on a cooking tangent - air fryers are EVIL!

Da fuq? Maybe he'll elaborate on this in one of his vee dee ohs/

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And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

Gary Hawkins reads that verse, and all the irony meters in the world explode. 

Pro tip: the last time I brought my irony meter in to be recalibrated, I had them change it to a logarithmic scale. Now it hardly ever breaks down.

 

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"They throw back and forth Heee -brew 'n' Greek. Ya wanna be one o' those who can read it and can study study it, help yourself." "AH'M A HILLBILLY THAT SPEAKS HILLBILLY, NOT GREEK AND HEBREW!"

Like they say, even a broken squirrel finds a nut twice a day.

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He mocks algebra (doesn't he know it's called "algebra math?"), and can't figure out why Becky tells him that he actually uses it and doesn't realize he does. 

Gary, when you see that you have 3 gallons of gas left in your tank and you know you get 10 miles/per gallon and the nearest gas station is 40 miles away, whether you calculate it rightly or wrongly, you still used algebra. You even used a function!

@Thoughtful, thank you for making me laugh hard this morning when I didn't think anything could.

Edited by Black Aliss
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forgetmenow
Posted (edited)
On 8/25/2020 at 2:28 AM, thoughtful said:

BGV: And the Bahble says: and the and his elder brother now listen hey this story that ah was talkin' about with the prodigal son gittin' all this stuff, that was a real story, that really happened. Most people say that some of this stuff is fairy tales, no, it's not. Verse 25 of Matthew, ah mean Luke 15 and the Bahble says:

Talking about fire sends him off on a cooking tangent - air fryers are EVIL!

(Bolding mine) First, and most importantly, I need to know the deal with the air fryers.  Does he really think they are immoral, or is this just some of his "True Country Boy" schtick?

Secondly, is believing that the parables were accounts of literal, historical events a thing in some circles or just a Gary thing?  I've never heard of anyone claiming that before.

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"You say the Catholics is wrong? Yeah, any man that tells you that you have to come and pray to him and give him money, he is straight out of the pits of Hell, amen."

Funny enough, the first image that popped into my mind was the picture you posted recently of people kneeling in prayer around the platform upon which Gary was still standing (rather than praying with them).  So between that and the constant grifting... 

Edited by forgetmenow

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Don'tlikekoolaid

OK Folks, I nominate for a thread title; Bro Gary’s mind is wandering like a drunken fainting goat.

 

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waltraute
1 hour ago, forgetmenow said:

Secondly, is believing that the parables were accounts of literal, historical events a thing in some circles or just a Gary thing?

Sadly, it's a thing. Not just Gary. 

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forgetmenow
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, waltraute said:

Sadly, it's a thing. Not just Gary. 

Wow! I was raised in a Reformed church where there were frequent references to Hebrew, Greek, Aramaic and the customs of the time, so the intractable ignorance of Gary blows my mind on the regular. 

Edited by forgetmenow

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thoughtful
6 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Wait. I thought he told Becky it'd be okay if she died of COVID because she'd go to heaven, if'n she was saved, of course.

Well, yeah - if Becky died!

6 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

Pro tip: the last time I brought my irony meter in to be recalibrated, I had them change it to a logarithmic scale. Now it hardly ever breaks down.

😁 I'll have to try that.

6 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

I need to know the deal with the air fryers.  Does he really think they are immoral, or is this just some of his "True Country Boy" schtick?

Hard to tell. I think it was supposed to be a joke, but he roared it out like his usual anti-sin crap.

And yes, Gary raving against priests who expect people to pray to them (not how it works, Gary) and bring them money was another irony-meter death.

Becky got her hair done. The comments are full of praise for God, for providing this blessing. Oh, and it's straight because Gary likes it that way.

image.png.4af8d265f9b5ff8fded09e74e8d081e3.png

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Ozlsn
Posted (edited)
On 8/26/2020 at 2:38 PM, thoughtful said:

"God's sniffin' you - how do you smell?" God doesn't have Covid or allergies - His nose is clean.

For some reason this had me laughing out loud. "Do you pass God's sniff test?" is not a phrase I have ever heard in any church.

On 8/26/2020 at 2:38 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary starts to talk about the devil, and makes a pissy comment about someone's phone, then ties them together, saying the devil will make you look down at the phone, instead of up. Claiming you have the Bible on your phone won't persuade him

Is he being an arsehole to the woman who was asking questions? Would this surprise me? 

On 8/26/2020 at 2:38 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary goes into a long fan-fic about the bureaucratic process of being called up from a book of many pages to be judged - he's not sure if we'll be listed by last name, first name, or a new name, and there will be a lot of waiting around.

I think we have found the KJV-only version of the "how many angels" debate. I mean... this is not something the absolute vast majority of people, even the very religious Christian ones, give any thought to. 

Gary you spend too much time driving or sitting around. Get a freaking job.

Edited by Ozlsn
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thoughtful
9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Is he being an arsehole to the woman who was asking questions?

Could be. I thought I heard her a few times - sounded like she was further back in the room and quieter this time, and like someone was talking to her now and then, but I couldn't make out words. A family member may have been trying to find a compromise that would work without Gary attacking her (or her bothering Gary, if that is their mindset :sad: ), and still come to church.

And there may have been kids or teens or other adults with phones out. I always have mixed feelings about our not being able to see the congregation. I would be angrier if Gary and Becky were as rude about others' privacy as Jill is, but I admit sometimes wanting one glimpse, just to have a sense of what Gary is seeing.

Gary and Jethere are boring today:

image.png.a9255971953b83fd92f5d7a5fca883d6.png

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Alisamer
On 8/26/2020 at 12:38 AM, thoughtful said:

"A OUIJA BOARD - ON THE WALTONS!!"

This is amazing.

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wallysmommy

Parables -- in first grade I learned parables were earthly stories with heavenly meanings.

My uncle (RIP) was an Assembly of God ordained minister who wrote curricula for a particular Bible college.  He always referred to the original passages for interpretation and used various translations.  I guess he didn't go to heaven because he wasn't KJV only and Gary knows more than he did.

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Alisamer said:
On 8/26/2020 at 12:38 AM, thoughtful said:

"A OUIJA BOARD - ON THE WALTONS!!"

This is amazing.

It was even more amazing the way he did it. I really can't do his sounds and movements justice in words.

I need to find out if there is a way to isolate, keep, and combine clips from Facebook videos. A Bro Gary compilation (or maybe two - funny ones and offensive ones kept separate as much as possible) would be a treasure.

Edited by thoughtful
fixed wrong word

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