Elisabeth Elliot: A Second Look at Passion and Purity

[Petronella]

Evangelical superstars Elisabeth and Jim Elliot were brought up in the Renee Bach thread (“Missionary with Bogus Medical Practice...”). I was intrigued by the discussion there and felt it worthy of its own thread.

Elisabeth Elliot’s book Passion and Purity was a HUGE evangelical hit. I read it in the early nineties, and was enchanted by it. She had other books, most notably the story of her husband’s martyrdom when they were missionaries in Ecuador in the fifties. Passion and Purity was the story of their courtship, and touted as a model for Christian women everywhere.

At the time I read it, I loved it for a few reasons:

1) I was “waiting until marriage” and reading about a relationship where the man believed in that too was comforting. Being praised for what made me feel like an outsider felt great.

2) Their high-stress, stretched out courtship read like a romance novel. Y’know—it looks like it’s not going to work out but you know that somehow it will, because the genre (or, in Elliot’s case, the known history of their marriage) assures you it will. Drama!

3) It was full of tips and instructions for being worthy of being romantically loved. I loved me some tips and instructions.

How I feel about it now:

1) I did in fact wait until marriage, as did my husband, and we’re very happy with our decision 20+ years later. I think it’s great to read stories affirming all kinds of relationship paths, including “waiting” paths (when it’s the true choice of the individuals involved, not forced by overinvolved parents or communities).

2) Their tortured romanced. Ugh. It makes me wince now. It’s an unjoyful slog. This article on Medium retells the facts of the story in a way that shows just how negative and exhausting it was: https://medium.com/interfaith-now/the-purity-hoax-c9b1c4934325

The quotes and summaries all together imply that Jim may well have been gay and struggling against that. If not gay, he was certainly struggling against the whole concept of sex. It’s not romantic at all. It’s awful.

3) I’ve come to hate tips ‘n’ tricks for attracting a relationship, whether they come from evangelical publishing (no sex!!) or Cosmo (all the sex!!). Relationships are about individuals coming together. Being yourself and finding a match who actually suits you is far more important than fulfilling any generic pronouncement of what an author has decided is “attractive.”

Any other FJers have any experiences with Elisabeth Elliot’s books and story?

Edited July 24, 2020 by Coconut Flan

[Petronella]

Oh, I remembered another thing. EE always wrote about not being physically attractive (actually, Jim also wrote about her not being physically attractive, which is gross). That was also comforting, a not-pretty woman who was so adored she was married three times! (Widowed twice, not divorced.)

As an insecure young person who felt unattractive (I wish I had appreciated my prettiness then) a list of things I could do to attract love that weren’t about being gorgeous was very appealing.

Unfortunately, EE’s list was as corrosive as any other list of its type.

[formergothardite]

I dug out my old copy of Passion and Purity and I'm going to skim through it to see if it is like I remember. I remember feeling like Jim was kind of a jerk and she could have done better. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

3 hours ago, Petronella said:

Evangelical superstars Elisabeth and Jim Elliot were brought up in the Renee Bach thread (“Missionary with Bogus Medical Practice...”). I was intrigued by the discussion there and felt it worthy of its own thread.

Elisabeth Elliot’s book Passion and Purity was a HUGE evangelical hit. I read it in the early nineties, and was enchanted by it. She had other books, most notably the story of her husband’s martyrdom when they were missionaries in Ecuador in the fifties. Passion and Purity was the story of their courtship, and touted as a model for Christian women everywhere.

At the time I read it, I loved it for a few reasons:

1) I was “waiting until marriage” and reading about a relationship where the man believed in that too was comforting. Being praised for what made me feel like an outsider felt great.

2) Their high-stress, stretched out courtship read like a romance novel. Y’know—it looks like it’s not going to work out but you know that somehow it will, because the genre (or, in Elliot’s case, the known history of their marriage) assures you it will. Drama!

3) It was full of tips and instructions for being worthy of being romantically loved. I loved me some tips and instructions.

How I feel about it now:

1) I did in fact wait until marriage, as did my husband, and we’re very happy with our decision 20+ years later. I think it’s great to read stories affirming all kinds of relationship paths, including “waiting” paths (when it’s the true choice of the individuals involved, not forced by overinvolved parents or communities).

2) Their tortured romanced. Ugh. It makes me wince now. It’s an unjoyful slog. This article on Medium retells the facts of the story in a way that shows just how negative and exhausting it was: https://medium.com/interfaith-now/the-purity-hoax-c9b1c4934325

The quotes and summaries all together imply that Jim may well have been gay and struggling against that. If not gay, he was certainly struggling against the whole concept of sex. It’s not romantic at all. It’s awful.

3) I’ve come to hate tips ‘n’ tricks for attracting a relationship, whether they come from evangelical publishing (no sex!!) or Cosmo (all the sex!!). Relationships are about individuals coming together. Being yourself and finding a match who actually suits you is far more important than fulfilling any generic pronouncement of what an author has decided is “attractive.”

Any other FJers have any experiences with Elisabeth Elliot’s books and story?

The link you provided would make anyone rethink their faith. It seems to me that religion was the main problem in their relationship. What a mess.

[Pecansforeveryone]

Elizabeth Elliott was always a walking contradiction. A career author and speaker whose central thesis was that men are leaders and women are to know their place. Plus as I mentioned earlier, keeping the surname Elliott despite re-marrying twice. 

[Petronella]

21 minutes ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

Plus as I mentioned earlier, keeping the surname Elliott despite re-marrying twice. 

Yeah, that was for sure a marketing decision she made. Incredibly ironic, considering her message of meekness and submission to men.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Petronella

[Petronella]

More thoughts:

I think "longing," both emotional and physical, is a big draw for people who like the book. They were apart for so long before FINALLY getting married. It's framed as God's calling keeping them temporarily apart, and their purity is presented as a huge achievement given their epic love for each other. Jim's ambivalence and even anger towards romantic entanglement is angled as him loving her SO MUCH he fears it will compete with his EPIC LOVE FOR GOD. He loves her on both levels: he loves her in a holy way as his future wife and missionary partner, but ALSO sexually, even though he doesn't act on that desire. In fact, he WANTS HER SO MUCH that it torments him. She gets to be on a pedestal AND be considered a temptress. It's heady stuff for religious girls to read.

Looking at the facts without EE's careful framing, it's a very different story:

1) All of this "God's calling on Jim's life keeping them apart" falls apart if you look at it as Jim's own choices. (I say this as a Christian. I think 99% of "callings" are people's own imaginings, either their own desires/excuses or their cultural "shoulds.")

2) What if his extremely negative attitude towards their romance was genuine? And he just framed it to himself religiously because that was his paradigm?

It's not a pretty picture.

 

[hoipolloi]

Great topic -- thank you, @Petronella. The excerpts from Jim's letters & journals in that article make it pretty clear that he would have been at least as happy if not happier had he never married Elisabeth. 

Also, just added God In the Rainforest to my reading list.

[JermajestyDuggar]

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I don’t think Betty was as ugly as they seem to make her out. I think her wide set eyes were very pretty. Kind of like Uma tThurman. Sure she had a gap in her front teeth but a lot of people do. I would never have looked at her thought her unattractive. 

[Howl]

Jim seems like just another one of those guys whose Christian worldview caused him unnecessary torment about his own sexuality in general. He also pinged my gaydar or bi-dar big time. 

Interesting that EE kept these letters and journals through widowhood, a 2nd marriage that ended in widowhood and a third marriage  and they survived a very long interlude of her missionary work in Ecuador, without anyone finding them! 

Re: EE's appearance: It may be simply that she did not meet the prevailing ideal for womanly beauty for the 1940s.  

 

[Petronella]

13 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I don’t think Betty was as ugly as they seem to make her out. I think her wide set eyes were very pretty. Kind of like Uma tThurman. Sure she had a gap in her front teeth but a lot of people do. I would never have looked at her thought her unattractive. 

I agree. I bet it had more to do with her not being into makeup/dressing up/behaving flirtatiously. An attitude of prettiness, more than an actual comment on her physical starting point.

[formergothardite]

I always thought she was attractive. I wonder if she felt like she wasn't pretty because Jim thought she wasn't. 

Quote

“not on account of a fine-featured face, a shapely form, nor even on account of rare conversational powers. Of the former two she possesses little of appeal.”

Jim just seems like a real asshole and I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually pretty miserable when married to him. 

[Howl]

I'd be curious to know how much time they actually spent together during their brief marriage.  

[Pecansforeveryone]

And if Jim had lived say another decade before being "martyred", where would the cards have fallen in their marriage? Would she have been able to write adoringly of Jim with a straight face?  

[AmazonGrace]

On 7/20/2020 at 1:26 PM, Petronella said:

Oh, I remembered another thing. EE always wrote about not being physically attractive (actually, Jim also wrote about her not being physically attractive, which is gross). 

I haven't read this book but personally I wouldn't brag about how chaste I am merely because I'm not having sex with someone I'm not even physically attracted to. It requires no superhuman virtue not to fuck people I"m not interested in sexually.

[Petronella]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

I haven't read this book but personally I wouldn't brag about how chaste I am merely because I'm not having sex with someone I'm not even physically attracted to. It requires no superhuman virtue not to fuck people I"m not interested in sexually.

Yeah. He seems to have been tormented by the distraction of sexual thoughts, while at the same time not liking her (or any woman) particularly much. So it was I think more physical desire that he struggled against than desire stirred by his feelings for her.

[AmazonGrace]

1 minute ago, Petronella said:

Yeah. He seems to have been tormented by the distraction of sexual thoughts, while at the same time not liking her (or any woman) particularly much. So it was I think more physical desire that he struggled against than desire stirred by his feelings for her.

"So you're horny but not horny for your girlfriend. Here is your medal."

[formergothardite]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

I haven't read this book but personally I wouldn't brag about how chaste I am merely because I'm not having sex with someone I'm not even physically attracted to. It requires no superhuman virtue not to fuck people I"m not interested in sexually.

It is weird to think about how EE spent decades talking about how she didn't have sex till her wedding night with this guy who was living in another country a good chunk of the time and didn't find her attractive. 

 

Edited July 21, 2020 by formergothardite

[AmazonGrace]

51 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

It is weird to think about how EE spent decades talking about how she didn't have sex till her wedding night with this guy who was living in another country a good chunk of the time and didn't find her attractive. 

 

Yeah... I mean, I'm not having sex with Henry Cavill, I could write a purity book.

[JMO]

I only made it through part of that article, but it  gave off serious man attracted to man  vibes.  He was seriously hot for his best friend.  And when that guy dared to get married he hoped to find some other guy to replace him.   Definite red flags. 

[hoipolloi]

1 hour ago, formergothardite said:

It is weird to think about how EE spent decades talking about how she didn't have sex till her wedding night with this guy who was living in another country a good chunk of the time and didn't find her attractive. 

Seems like she spent her whole life after Jim -- nearly 60 years -- endlessly revising her early adulthood & first marriage for public consumption and perhaps herself. 

Makes me think that she did know how problematic her relationship with Jim was, and so spent the rest of her life pretending to herself and others that all was moonlight & roses for the few short years they were together.

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

Imagine how her other husbands felt with her writing endlessly about the wonderful Jim -- all his virtues, his godliness, his holiness, his amazing faith, his dedicated missionary zeal,  his saintliness, their epic "love" story, and then of course his martyrdom and near canonization. 

They must have felt there was no way they could never measure up.  

 

[Pecansforeveryone]

Elizabeth was married for over 30 years to her 3rd husband. There were no pearls of wisdom, no sage advice gleaned in over 30 years of marriage worth putting down for future generations? She wrote several books. Why couldn't that have been one of them? 

[hoipolloi]

1 hour ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

Imagine how her other husbands felt with her writing endlessly about the wonderful Jim

And using Jim's surname professionally -- for nearly 60 years. Don't think I'd recognize the surnames of #2 and #3 if I heard them.

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

7 hours ago, formergothardite said:

It is weird to think about how EE spent decades talking about how she didn't have sex till her wedding night with this guy who was living in another country a good chunk of the time and didn't find her attractive. 

 

I think about this with a lot of long distance fundie relationships. They’ve spent very little time in the same room and when they do, a chaperone is around. I’m sorry but staying a virgin in that kind of situation actually seems a million times easier than finding a way to secretly fuck.