Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[thoughtful]

They has a baptism:

Love the description:

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https://www.gsbaptistchurch.com/

Oh, these are Gary's people - he won't hold back here:

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https://www.facebook.com/GSBaptistChurch/

 

[OwlEyes]

Bro Gary doesn't deserve to be in the Finger Lakes! It is way too beautiful there!

[EyesOpen]

16 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Not gonna lie, there have been times I've been reading about these self-righteous idiots on here and been truly inspired! 

Inspired to listen to some Marilyn Manson, that is. And other such heathen stuff. Gothy stuff like Crüxshadows, Bella Morte, Voltaire and Abney Park, lots of 80's metal, Sixx A.M., etc. (And as I hit "submit", a Ratt song came on.)

I'd love to hear more specific stuff about what music Bro Gary does and doesn't like, though. It seems like a long time since we've seen a good old fashioned rant against rock 'n roll.

Hi. I’m just here to love your ‘gothy stuff’ fellow old goth raised on Depeche Mode, siouxsie, the cure well and then classic rock. Lol. Love Cruxshadows and Voltaire. Haven’t seen anyone reference them in years!

[Fruitcake]

20 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

OK Folks, it looks like Bro was at Jill’s Laundry Mat handing out tracts.  I wonder if Lord David was there,  if so I’m feeling badly for him.

  Hide contents

 

The crossover we never knew we needed.

[Alisamer]

4 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

Hi. I’m just here to love your ‘gothy stuff’ fellow old goth raised on Depeche Mode, siouxsie, the cure well and then classic rock. Lol. Love Cruxshadows and Voltaire. Haven’t seen anyone reference them in years!

I went to DragonCon for 17 years in a row and saw them perform so many times. I miss it so much, but it's been years since I've been - it's just gotten too expensive. Toward the end I was mostly just going for the concerts! I still have much of their music in fairly regular rotation though. And yes, how could I forget Depeche Mode! Love so much.

[wallysmommy]

Oh, Gary!  You're so pathetic.  If God called you to get a real job and for you to leave your grifting comfort zone, would YOU?????  

[EyesOpen]

That would be a no 

[Xan]

I think Gary has confused the voice of God with any stray semi-coherent thought that bounces into his head.  Lately, I've noticed that he'll do that in sermons.  He goes off on a tangent and then says God must have wanted him to say whatever it is he said.  He wouldn't know the voice of God if God was standing right in front of him.

I think what he means by "leave the comfort zone" is "get out of your house and go to church".  He's still beating that particular drum because his livelihood depends on it.  If more of the little churches dry up, there are that many fewer free meals for Gary.

Rebecca has a Facebook post up about Jacob doing home school science by separating honey from the comb and putting something (the comb?) into an "impression bowl".  Doesn't sound very science-y but at least Jacob is getting to do something that isn't about the King James Bible.   It's a start.

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Xan

[thoughtful]

@Xan, you silly - science, shmience; that was a Tupperware ad!

ETA: you couldn't just say "yes, he is" could you, Becky? ?

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Edited August 19, 2020 by thoughtful

[Jasmar]

On 7/10/2020 at 5:44 PM, thoughtful said:

Yes - it needs to do so periodically because so many people are going there that they need more room, and that's why volcanoes erupt. Gary believes this.

Okay, I know this is old, but I’ve just started reading the Bro. Gary threads. And, I just…I honestly think this is the most astonishing thing I’ve read on FJ in the seven or so years I’ve been reading here. I know Jill’s microphone to hell is another option, but I’d actually already heard of that one before it turned up here.

@thoughtful, your transcriptions are sublime!

[thoughtful]

Gary preached the Wednesday service at the Good God That's a Lot of Knotty Pine Paneling - er, sorry, the Good Samaritan Baptist Church. Jacob hands him his water.

Spoiler

I don't mind a homey church, but somebody ought to close the bathroom door.

I watch these videos after they are done, rather than live, but, knowing that he started at 7:00, I checked to see if he was done while he was still live. Watching Gary with the sound off, it's hard to believe he preaches against music that makes you want to dance. That man dances his messages like a bumblebee.

We get David and Goliath tonight. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+17%3A37-47&version=KJV

I won't write out the Bro Gary Version of the whole thing, but here are the highlights:

Gary describes David as "rudy" rather than ruddy.

KJV: And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
Bro Gary Version: And the FLISsteen came and screw near unto David; andand the man that bared the shield before him.

KJV: Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.
BGV: Then said David to the FLISteens, Thou cameth to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord. Of hosts, the God of the army. Of Israel, AMEN, 'n' you know what, we all ought to go to the devil with that, when it comes to stuff like that amen? whom thou hast defiled.

KJV:  And all this assembly shall know that the Lord saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hands.
BGV:  And all the assembling shall know that the Lord save not with sword and spear: with the batter - battle is the Lord's, and he will - he will give - 'n' he will give you in our hands 'n' look over in Flipyans - in  Fissions real quick-like.

Then he reads from "Fissions" - whip out your helmets of salvation, boys - it's time for the armor of God!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+6%3A10-20&version=KJV

He pronounces wrestles "wrassles," and the fiery darts of the wicked comes out "the fairy darts of the wicked," which makes them sound rather sweet and harmless. There are wicked darts at the bottom of my garden.

Perseverance becomes "preserveness" (I'm just glad it wasn't "preserves" - after battle became
"batter," I thought Gary's diet was encroaching on his preaching),

The title of the message is "The Battle's Not Mine." After a few minutes of meaningless sentence fragments about fighting with God's help, we get a tidbit about missionaries they know in Canada (he's not gonna mention no names) who have been accused of something from about six years ago and "y'know how it is amazin' how people wait so many years before they bring some of this stuff out, amen?" Of course it's "a lah," and "the devil puttin' his head up." Gary knows, because he knows the "testimonies" of those that have been accused.

Gary, you didn't need to tease us with vague-gossip to tell us to put on the armor of God.

Gary re-reads a verse:

KJV: Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth
BGV: Stand there, having your loi - goins lir -  loins girded about with truth

OK, I admit that reading "loins girt" as "goins lirt" is something I might do.

He's learned that blinders are the things farmers put on horses - good for you, Gary.

Gary says he doesn't like it when people slam doors in his face and cuss him out when he's soulwinning, but that's the reality of life. "Y'say 'where do they do it?' Everywhere ah go. Y'say wha? Because (some fragment I can't understand) they don't believe in God."

I think there's a connection you're missing Gary - something to do with the way you behave, perhaps?

The rest is standard Garyshit.

 

[Ozlsn]

35 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary preached the Wednesday service at the Good God That's a Lot of Knotty Pine Paneling

Our Blessed Saviour Of The Sauna?

Honestly all wood panneled interiors just remind me of saunas, which is why my husband hates watching shows like "let's buy our dream log cabin" with me... I always comment. But they do.

54 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary describes David as "rudy" rather than ruddy.

Heh. If I didn't know for sure that Bro Gary has no idea about early-mid 20th century UK swear words I might think he was being polite. Ruddy David, heh.

55 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

And the FLISsteen came and screw near unto David; and the man that bared the shield before him.

Ooh Matron!

57 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Then he reads from "Fissions" - whip out your helmets of salvation, boys - it's time for the armor of God!

This is really not helping my sudden detour into Carry On.. films.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

KJV: Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth
BGV: Stand there, having your loi - goins lir -  loins girded about with truth

Carry on girting! Thank God he didn't go with "loins girth"...

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

we get a tidbit about missionaries they know in Canada (he's not gonna mention no names) who have been accused of something from about six years ago and "y'know how it is amazin' how people wait so many years before they bring some of this stuff out, amen?" Of course it's "a lah," and "the devil puttin' his head up." Gary knows, because he knows the "testimonies" of those that have been accused.

Their "testimonies" mean nothing if they are lying Gary, and even less if they are not a refutation of the accusations. And depending on what they are being accused of there are often reasons why accusations aren't made at the time. Either way I don't think God or Satan are directly involved in the accusations, at least not in the way you appear to think.

[Dana723]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Bro Gary Version: And the FLISsteen came and screw near unto David; andand the man that bared the shield before him.

 

I bared my shield before men one time and got some really nice Mardi Gras beads for it.

[thoughtful]

23 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Their "testimonies" mean nothing if they are lying Gary, and even less if they are not a refutation of the accusations

When Gary says "testimony," he doesn't mean anything having to do with the accusations or legal proceedings. He just means that he know they are saved. "Testimony," from someone of Gary's ilk, means either the story you tell (again and again and again) about how you were saved (some include how awful they were before), or the life you live to prove you are saved.

He was saying that the accusations have to be false, because he knows those people are his kind of Christians. The facts don't matter to Gary.

A Carry On movie about Gary would be great.  Carry on Godbothering, perhaps?

32 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Our Blessed Saviour Of The Sauna?

Maybe the congregation was sitting there in very modest towels, having a schvitz while Gary babbled on.

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

When Gary says "testimony," he doesn't mean anything having to do with the accusations or legal proceedings. He just means that he know they are saved.

Oh I know. And I don't believe they're not lying about that either, so...

[smittykins]

On 8/18/2020 at 9:46 PM, OwlEyes said:

Bro Gary doesn't deserve to be in the Finger Lakes! It is way too beautiful there!

Yikes, he’s even closer to me...
 

*shudder*

[thoughtful]

14 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Oh I know. And I don't believe they're not lying about that either, so...

Ah, got it. I just thought that, perhaps, since you are a person whose brain has not been addled by KJV-speak, you might have thought of "testimony" the way that 99.9% percent of the world would, and that I should have made it clear that Gary was talking about the "being saved" kind, not the "in court" kind.

I do wonder about some people, like Gary, who have a testimony of being saved that includes some sort of a vision. How many are flat-out lying and know it, how many actually had some sort of hallucination?

It's not part of everyone's salvation story - I think many made a decision on purpose and really believe, but didn't have what they think is a supernatural experience. Lots of those people may be lying as well, or have convinced themselves - the urge to fit in, and the sense that "everybody" believes it is pretty powerful - it's one of the reasons that the way Fundies restrict their children is so awful.

Gary reposted the Kristi Noem meme again, from Bob Nogalski, who added this meaningless "we're just like the fighters in the Revolutionary War" crap to it:

Spoiler

Gary asked one of his dopey rhetorical questions, and actually got some answers. KJV is right because it's right because it's right - why can't people see the logic in that? The argument that the language of the KJV is the simplest, most easily-understood English always cracks me up, especially coming from people like Bro Gary, who can't seem to get through half a verse without misreading in a way that completely changes the meaning.

Spoiler

 

 

Alas, poor Yurick.

Edited August 20, 2020 by thoughtful
the riffles got me again

[Four is Enough]

These people are bible scholars?  Where's the grammar? Where's the spelling? Aren't those things EVEN MORE IMPORTANT when you're interpreting a document?

[thoughtful]

Further argument, under one of the comments on Gary's post:

When I was a kid, we were always playing with names of famous people that included an adjective or verb: "Was Claire Booth Luce?" "Did Margaret Chase Smith?" "Who did John Hurt?"

Now I want to ask "Is G Antonio Smart?"

But I think I know the answer.

[Maggie Mae]

No one has ever been able to tell me why the KJB is supposedly the best. 

[Four is Enough]

1 hour ago, Maggie Mae said:

No one has ever been able to tell me why the KJB is supposedly the best. 

My smart ass answer is because it was written in English (archaic though it is) and since Jesus was a white male who spoke English, that has to be the correct version, right?

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, Maggie Mae said:

No one has ever been able to tell me why the KJB is supposedly the best. 

Because it sounds old timey!  Historical-like! 

I still think you could add quotes from Shakespeare in there and most of these "Bible scholars" wouldn't know, especially if you picked one of the more obscure prophets to attribute it to. 

The like it because they don't really understand it as far as I can tell. And it is poetic, and the version they grew up with so it's comfortingly familiar. Even the church I grew up in, which used modern translations for services and sermons, often used the older translation of The Lord's Prayer. 

Which speaking of changes in meaning - does Bro Gary actually think "forgive us our trespasses" means "All good unless I cross a property line"? /joke... kinda.

I do wonder what these people think was used in worship before the KJV, and what it was translated from though. 

As to the "first non-Catholic Bible"... no. Not even close. Not even close for an English translation. 

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I should have made it clear that Gary was talking about the "being saved" kind, not the "in court" kind.

I should have specified as well - if they're being accused of theft for example, and their salvation story involves how they stopped being a sinner who stole and became a preacher of God then I am... dubious that it took at least. I think quite a few people are lying to themselves at least with salvation stories, because they want so desperately for it to be true - whether that's because they've been told that homosexuality is a sin, or because they don't know how else to atone for or deal with things they have done (or perceive themselves to have done - impure thoughts anyone?) and are terrified that they have not done enough and are forever doomed. 

I do also think there are a few Jimmy Bakkers out there who are straight out con artists who are lying so they can con - and for every big name like him I'd guess at least 10 less successful ones are roaming the US grifting.  

But yeah, salvation testimony should not be a reason to discount accusations immediately, no matter how many visions and how much drama it had.

[thoughtful]

More of Gary's doltish answers (some to well-thought-out and clear questions and comments, from people who are clearly wasting their time):

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One of the things that strikes me about this denomination that is so proud not to have a liturgy, no specific, official prayers, is how grindingly, dully repetitive they still manage to be.

[Maggie Mae]

I don't go to Church but I just can't wrap my mind around how this guy is a pastor. "God don't make junk. God make perfect." is he a caveman? 

I know to become a rabbi, one must attend courses and training and study for years, and then continue to study. Every rabbi I've met has been thoughtful and intelligent. (disclosure, I have zero experience with orthodox or hasidic groups) 

To become a priest, one must attend a seminary and be selected and train. The priests I've talked to have all been well read and focused on presenting a clean image. Even the one that's been delisted. 

My grandma went to a congregational church, and I think that guy had a masters degree as well. 

I absolutely don't think that leadership roles in a community should be out of reach for everyone but the elite. However, they should be held by people who are striving to put their best face forward. People who work hard and try to learn so they can guide their group. Bro Gary making a living off of this is just mind blowing. I guess I need to go back to the beginning of these threads. 

[Xan]

14 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

I absolutely don't think that leadership roles in a community should be out of reach for everyone but the elite. However, they should be held by people who are striving to put their best face forward. People who work hard and try to learn so they can guide their group. Bro Gary making a living off of this is just mind blowing. I guess I need to go back to the beginning of these threads. 

Apparently, in these fundie churches you only have to be moved by the spirit to preach.  Some of them have faux degrees from online "schools".  In the Rodrigues threads,  you'll see that her son and her son-in-law have both preached sermons.  Neither has even the online paper as credentials.

I think it goes along with their hatred of education in general.  They distrust people who graduate from college -- unless it's some place like Crown College.  There isn't a lot of thought behind it.  It's rather like their preference for the King James version of the Bible.  They don't seem to know that much about the translation or why it was done.  They've latched onto it as the inerrant word of God and they don't want to hear anything else about it.  And if you believe in the KJV and you feel moved to preach, they'll sit there and listen to you.  They'll even listen to crazy Gary.