Myka Stauffer of The Stauffer Life: Where's Huxley???

[Glasgowghirl]

Move over Laura Lee, we have a winner for the worst apology posted online after a scandal. I am no expert in statement analysis but the amount of times she said on her written statement I, me or myself shows you how narcissistic she is. The brief Instagram video had her using a crying filter and while talking about Huxley neither her or James seemed to tear up one but but Myka started showing emotion when talking about the positive support she has received, James also thanked people for being positive. 

She acts like she bought a pet without doing enough research and then realised they couldn't cope and rehomed him, it is bad enough when it happens to an animal but when it is a child who has spent almost 3 years with a family, bonded with them and is now adjusting to the least 4th different family in 5 years. She does acknowledge the damage it has done to Huxley but still downplays it buying saying he is getting the help he needs now. 

Myka also called the people who have been vocal about their discust about what happened as trolls, we are all not trolls we just don't agree with toddler's being used as a prop then disgarded. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

48 minutes ago, Glasgowghirl said:

Move over Laura Lee, we have a winner for the worst apology posted online after a scandal. I am no expert in statement analysis but the amount of times she said on her written statement I, me or myself shows you how narcissistic she is. The brief Instagram video had her using a crying filter and while talking about Huxley neither her or James seemed to tear up one but but Myka started showing emotion when talking about the positive support she has received, James also thanked people for being positive. 

She acts like she bought a pet without doing enough research and then realised they couldn't cope and rehomed him, it is bad enough when it happens to an animal but when it is a child who has spent almost 3 years with a family, bonded with them and is now adjusting to the least 4th different family in 5 years. She does acknowledge the damage it has done to Huxley but still downplays it buying saying he is getting the help he needs now. 

Myka also called the people who have been vocal about their discust about what happened as trolls, we are all not trolls we just don't agree with toddler's being used as a prop then disgarded. 

Well I guess thousands and thousands of people are trolls then. Because they expressed their opinion of their abhorrent behavior. That’s what happens when you exploit your children online. You end up with people who have a different opinion than you and they express it. That’s not trolling. That’s social media. 

[WiseGirl]

3 hours ago, SolomonFundy said:

They have made it patently clear that they rejected every single piece of advice, therapy, or counseling that was inconvenient to them. 

This times a 1000.  Sickens me that they made the lead story on People. Still using/profiting off that little boy. 

[Pleiades_06]

Honestly the less said by them the better. They just keep on stepping in it. 

[katilac]

It's ridiculous for anyone who adopted from overseas to claim ignorance and astonishment that the child might have unforeseen trauma and special needs. Way back in the day, sure. Not now and not for a long time. 

I don't care how much your agency sucks, the most casual perusal of the internet will let you know this. Along with: maybe don't adopt when you already have several small children sucking up your time and attention, and definitely don't get pregnant so soon after adopting. 

If people feel the lord is calling them to help children with high needs and special needs, but they have butkus experience with that, why would they not start by volunteering locally? Offering respite care? Anything. Gain some freaking knowledge and experience before you start playing around with lives.

[MillieJo]

Myka, apology not accepted! Now go start filling out some applications and get the fuck off YouTube! 

[fluffy]

Can't claim credit for this comment but it's worth repeating:

Are they re-homing the money they raised off Huxley? 

[Alisamer]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

If people feel the lord is calling them to help children with high needs and special needs, but they have butkus experience with that, why would they not start by volunteering locally? Offering respite care? Anything. Gain some freaking knowledge and experience before you start playing around with lives.

I know, right? Figure out if you can handle caring for a special needs child in small amounts before committing to 24/7 for the next 18 or so years, at minimum. If a special needs child is born to you, you learn with them as they grow. But if you're adopting a special needs child that's a choice, and it's on you to be prepared ahead of time. Especially when that child is already a toddler!

5 minutes ago, fluffy said:

Can't claim credit for this comment but it's worth repeating:

Are they re-homing the money they raised off Huxley? 

That money should go to Huxley, IMO. They should put it all in a fund in his name, in some way that earns interest, for him to have in the future.

[Glasgowghirl]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

It's ridiculous for anyone who adopted from overseas to claim ignorance and astonishment that the child might have unforeseen trauma and special needs. Way back in the day, sure. Not now and not for a long time. 

I don't care how much your agency sucks, the most casual perusal of the internet will let you know this. Along with: maybe don't adopt when you already have several small children sucking up your time and attention, and definitely don't get pregnant so soon after adopting. 

If people feel the lord is calling them to help children with high needs and special needs, but they have butkus experience with that, why would they not start by volunteering locally? Offering respite care? Anything. Gain some freaking knowledge and experience before you start playing around with lives.

Definitely, they knew he had additional needs and they also were warned that the Chinese authorities are not always honest about the extent of the child's needs. Myka has said in videos what specialists told her went in one ear out the other, she didn't want to hear anything that wasn't positive, when she finally met Huxley she seemed disappointed that he wasn't exactly how she pictured him to be and I think she was jealous that Huxley bonded with James and her youngest daughter before he bonded with her. 

Huxley had made progress when he was rehomed and  if they had stepped up his therapy and actually helped him when he had a tantrum in stead of aggravating him, as seen in some videos then things would have been better. Putting Huxley to bed and letting the other children stay up an hour or two later also separated him from the other children. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

1 hour ago, fluffy said:

Can't claim credit for this comment but it's worth repeating:

Are they re-homing the money they raised off Huxley? 

They re-homed it to Bali.

[hoipolloi]

10 hours ago, SolomonFundy said:

I have no doubt that they felt uninformed and unprepared for their adoption. They have made it patently clear that they rejected every single piece of advice, therapy, or counseling that was inconvenient to them. 

They refused to prepare, and then found that they weren't prepared. *shocking*

Totally. 

This attitude and their behavior were on display from the start and should have been obvious to any legitimate adoption agency that actually cared about the children and parents it allegedly serves. Instead, Myka completes an online "training" and gets a "certificate" and they're good to go as far as the adoption agency is concerned. 

[Mudgie]

All I can think about everytime I read a word about this narcissist is to wonder what would happen if one of her biological children were special needs.

Perhaps if she had invested the same amount of time in researching adoption as she did in figuring out how to make $ on youtube she would have been much more prepared. 

[Aine]

I wish the Stauffers would just shut up. Stop explaining your terrible decisions, ignorance, and failure to parent your son when it's inexplicable. You did not prioritize his wellbeing, you never saw him as truly part of your family, you did not direct the financial means we all know you have into more intensive therapies, you went into this process arrogant and ignorant and then you couldn't be bothered to learn so you could be the best possible parent to your new son- you abandoned him instead. You added to his trauma-filled young life instead of doing everything in your power to prevent him from going through further trauma. People have a right to be furious and it's not trolling. Imagine the fear and confusion that little boy felt when you handed him over, and he didn't know where you went or where his brothers and sisters were. Myka and James need to sit with that and stop seeking atonement from the public. The public will not provide it for you.

One thing that I'd like to see come out of this, and if Myka and James could get over their own huge egos for two seconds, would be for them to use their platform to advocate for better post-adoption supports. You pay those agencies so much and there should be post-adoption support available similar to all the intensive pre-adoption screenings/interviews/house checks etc that good agencies do. There should be social workers who stop in once a week for the first 6-12 months who can be a supportive ear, provide practical suggestions, case manage when the parent is overwhelmed and needs some help to link the family with appropriate services to suit their child and the family's needs etc. Myka and James could have fallen on their sword by now, said they really screwed up in so many ways, and use their mistakes to advocate for more support for adoptees and their new parents. Even in ideal adoption scenarios (e.g. not a houseful of other small children already, well informed and have done a lot of research, have financial means), I'm sure it can be overwhelming for the parent/s and child to work on bonding while dealing with all of their worlds being completely changed, possible special needs, language barriers, medical appointments etc.

I don't believe it would have changed Huxley's outcome with the Stauffers, but I do think the adoption "industry" should be less of an industry here in the US and the norms of how the process goes need to be upended and become more holistic. The myth of the "miracle of adoption" needs to stop. Yes, adoption can give kids who don't have stable parents or any parents a safe and secure home. Yes, adoption can be a way to build a family for many adults. Yes, adoption can be a wonderful thing. But it's a tough thing for everyone involved no matter how wanted it is by parents (and child if it's an older child). It's a complicated thing. There needs to be more support after the child is 'home', I think.

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I know, right? Figure out if you can handle caring for a special needs child in small amounts before committing to 24/7 for the next 18 or so years, at minimum. If a special needs child is born to you, you learn with them as they grow. But if you're adopting a special needs child that's a choice, and it's on you to be prepared ahead of time. Especially when that child is already a toddler!

Adding to this because I agree with what you said about being able to prepare some for a child with special needs when you're adopting but I don't think it's ever possible to fully prepare, and some special needs may not manifest completely until later. Also, it's well known that children's medical needs or disabilities are usually not accurately diagnosed or described when you adopt internationally. Just like when you have a biological child, people need to go into adoption being open to whatever challenges come along with that specific child and you learn as they grow once they're with you and you figure out the best way to support and parent that specific child because they are YOUR child.

If you adopt a child, that is a choice, and part of that choice is for better or for worse, you're going to be their mom/dad and the person who should love them, care for them, be there for them, be a stable presence, be their safe person and keep them safe forever.

@Alisamer you said it so well and it just tapped into my frustration with the Stauffer situation so well! I hope you don't mind me piggybacking off how you phrased it!

[MillieJo]

I found her apology video and instagram apology to be very offensive to special needs parents. She basically said, it was too hard for me and more than I could handle, but I respect you special needs parents out there. Myka, I don't need your pity or sympathy. 

I wish she would just tell the truth. She didn't want to be inconvenienced for the rest of her life by Huxley's needs. It's really simple.  They expected him to make a full recovery within in a year and he didn't. So they found a loop hole on how to get rid of him. 

I have a soon to be 5 year old son with ASD and have spent a considerable amount of time and money making sure he's getting all the treatment he can. He has done some really scary things in the past, but I would never displace my child. I've seen a variety of kids on the spectrum and I have a hard time believing that the problem was him versus Myka and Jim. They didn't want the obligation... plain and simple. To try and paint it any differently is disgusting. 

She needs to let go of this influencer/YT career and fade off into the abyss. 

[Aine]

6 minutes ago, MillieJo said:

I have a soon to be 5 year old son with ASD and have spent a considerable amount of time and money making sure he's getting all the treatment he can. He has done some really scary things in the past, but I would never displace my child. I've seen a variety of kids on the spectrum and I have a hard time believing that the problem was him versus Myka and Jim. They didn't want the obligation... plain and simple. To try and paint it any differently is disgusting.

I was an ABA Therapist for 3 years while I was doing my psych degree in Australia. I've worked with families who had careers that weren't lucrative by any means, like school teachers, nurses, food services etc, who remortgaged their house, drained their superannuation (kind of the equivalent of a 401k in the US but employers in Australia are required to pay into your superannuation so most people have something in it but you can only take money from it pre-retirement for things like medical emergencies), the grandparents may have sold their house and moved in with the family to help pay for the therapy and help out while the parents themselves trained to also do ABA Therapy- all sorts of extraordinary sacrifices of time, money, privacy in their own home (because of more family moving in and therapists in and out of their house every day of the week), one of the two parents pausing their own career because all sorts of therapy appointments and ABA sessions become their full-time job for a number of years. They do it to give their kid the very best chance to be happy, safe, and able to function in a world set up for the neurotypical. The awe and respect I have for every parent of every kid I worked with in that time is beyond words as they did whatever was within their means or possible to pour as much time and resources into their kid as possible. I am also so grateful I got to spend so much time with their amazing kids as a therapist, watching them achieve goals and learn new things, and celebrating every tiny milestone with them and getting to love on those kids! I miss them!

 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, Aine said:

Adding to this because I agree with what you said about being able to prepare some for a child with special needs when you're adopting but I don't think it's ever possible to fully prepare, and some special needs may not manifest completely until later.

Agreed, but I still think doing something like weekend respite care for a child with additional needs would have given them a bit more insight into how utterly unprepared for anything they actually were. They seem to have gone in expecting a Hallmark Adoption Experience, without any recognition of the work that goes into achieving that. Mostly I think they went in wanting a cute "ethnic" baby for the Insta photos - but without thinking of that baby as a person, with all the messiness that involves. 

 

2 hours ago, MillieJo said:

I found her apology video and instagram apology to be very offensive to special needs parents. She basically said, it was too hard for me and more than I could handle, but I respect you special needs parents out there. Myka, I don't need your pity or sympathy

Yeah the whole "Oh you parents are super special, I could never do what you do!" thing grates. Guess what Myka, we aren't - we just learned as we went and kept going. Asked for help, demanded it occasionally, found resources, cried in the shower, kept going. Anyone can do it, although we often need and appreciate help - but we're not superheroes, we're usually just very tired.

I sincerely hope they don't have any child with additional needs because they don't seem to be able to see past their own reflections.

2 hours ago, Aine said:

I do think the adoption "industry" should be less of an industry here in the US

And/or better regulated. I still find it incredible that they were approved to adopt from overseas, I know in Australia they would absolutely not have been (young children who already needed a lot of time, plus apparently planning future pregnancies would have made them ineligible pretty quickly). 

[HarryPotterFan]

On 6/9/2020 at 5:41 PM, Aine said:

What's interesting with Huxley is that I'm not sure he really did fall in the middle. I wouldn't be prone to diagnosing autism when we don't have his full history or interviews with informants from the first 2 yrs of his life and he has had to adjust to learning a new language, having parents and being given affection, having to form an attachment to these two new adults in his life while there are 3 other children in the home and a breastfed infant that is also building an attachment to the same parents at the same time, and the chaos of having 4 siblings. He doesn't show a large amount of typical behaviors of "severe autism" in the videos. He makes eye contact, self-stims are minimal and the kid needs to get some comfort from somewhere, and him not being verbal in English yet is not a huge concern given the trauma of being adopted, learning to be in a family, learning a new language and new social cues and the hectic environment he was placed in.

If I did his autism assessment, I'd likely defer diagnosis and instead recommend therapy for speech, parent training around attachment/language development/routine etc., and ABA therapy for things like fine/gross motor deficits and everyday living skills and reassess in 18 mths to 2 yrs. There are too many factors in his life that could be causing autism-like symptoms that I'd expect to see in any child with his history and environment. ?‍♀️

I don't personally know a psychologist who would slap an ASD diagnosis on him that quickly.

Thank you for your perspective! It’s very eye opening and educational. 

Here is an opinion piece written by an autistic adult adoptee from China (they use identity first language, so I’m using it here since I know there’s a lot of debate). https://gal-dem.com/huxley-adoption-story-youtube-stauffers-is-part-of-a-larger-narrative-race-disability-and-abuse/?fbclid=IwAR2KoJIEy5DgCVd9imhaGWONQkl-OZnRl70AZ4MO5t-KGO-D27BSD7u90Hk.

Some good excepts:

”But I also know as a person of colour that white supremacy has long deployed animalistic comparisons as a means of dehumanising black, Native, Latinx and Asian people, while also implicitly or explicitly devaluing our lives as less important than that of non-human animals.”

”And yet, at the same time, many of us in disabled community are actually minorly relieved that the Stauffers abandoned their child and sent him to a different family because at least they didn’t murder him.”

Also, someone wrote an opinion piece for the Washington Post trying to defend the Stauffers but people in the comment section are not having it.

[Candycane36]

Well this is interesting if you watch her interview on without a crystal ball. The interview so so telling many people people that she had a much darker view  for her reasons of adopting huxley. I really hope they are not true

 

Edited June 27, 2020 by Candycane36

[MirrorMirror]

I,I,I,me,me,me,my,my,my. All about her.

In the apology, she says that "she can't say she isn't thankful this never happened because at least Huxley is here now & getting the help he needs." Here comes the savior rationalizing. "It doesn't matter that I gave up my child, because I brought them to the U.S. & saved them from orphanage in ______."

She also says that therapy was expensive & they didn't spare any expense (paraphrase). Meanwhile, there is video evidence of her talking about how they cut his therapy so it would be cheaper; as she is wearing a Cartier bracelet & vacationing in Bali.

Go screw yourself Myka. So much I could say. I've seen so many parents like her. I've raised so many kids that were the ones being abandoned. In a few years, Huxley will be a distant memory. He won't even cross her mind.

[Glasgowghirl]

21 hours ago, MirrorMirror said:

I,I,I,me,me,me,my,my,my. All about her.

In the apology, she says that "she can't say she isn't thankful this never happened because at least Huxley is here now & getting the help he needs." Here comes the savior rationalizing. "It doesn't matter that I gave up my child, because I brought them to the U.S. & saved them from orphanage in ______."

She also says that therapy was expensive & they didn't spare any expense (paraphrase). Meanwhile, there is video evidence of her talking about how they cut his therapy so it would be cheaper; as she is wearing a Cartier bracelet & vacationing in Bali.

Go screw yourself Myka. So much I could say. I've seen so many parents like her. I've raised so many kids that were the ones being abandoned. In a few years, Huxley will be a distant memory. He won't even cross her mind.

Taking a child from a foster home where he was happy and well cared for halfway across the globe to strange environment and rehoming him three years later is not doing him a favour. That is definitely white saviour complex talk and is definitely trying to absolve herself from guilt. 

[Peaches-n-Beans]

On 6/10/2020 at 6:41 AM, Aine said:

What's interesting with Huxley is that I'm not sure he really did fall in the middle. I wouldn't be prone to diagnosing autism when we don't have his full history or interviews with informants from the first 2 yrs of his life and he has had to adjust to learning a new language, having parents and being given affection, having to form an attachment to these two new adults in his life while there are 3 other children in the home and a breastfed infant that is also building an attachment to the same parents at the same time, and the chaos of having 4 siblings. He doesn't show a large amount of typical behaviors of "severe autism" in the videos. He makes eye contact, self-stims are minimal and the kid needs to get some comfort from somewhere, and him not being verbal in English yet is not a huge concern given the trauma of being adopted, learning to be in a family, learning a new language and new social cues and the hectic environment he was placed in.

If I did his autism assessment, I'd likely defer diagnosis and instead recommend therapy for speech, parent training around attachment/language development/routine etc., and ABA therapy for things like fine/gross motor deficits and everyday living skills and reassess in 18 mths to 2 yrs. There are too many factors in his life that could be causing autism-like symptoms that I'd expect to see in any child with his history and environment. ?‍♀️

I don't personally know a psychologist who would slap an ASD diagnosis on him that quickly.

OKay so I'm playing catch up here, but I'd like to address some of this from the view of an autistic person. 

To the first bold: not stimming and holding eye contact mean like... less then nothing. I can hold eye contact and not stim, i'm still autistic. You know why I can do these things? Because society in some way shape or form punishes me for not holding eye contact and for stimming. Be it, "look at me when I'm talking to you" scoldings from adults to those "behavior charts" in elementary school classrooms. Society rewards neurotypical behavior and punishes neurodivergents. Self stims are a good thing most of the time. Unless they're a self harm stim (like huxley bashing his head into the wall) they don't need to be stopped. Let me wave my hands, let me slap my chest, let me repeat the word "rickon' over and over and over. It's not hurting anyone. Self stimming is only an issue when it causes harm to the individual or another. 

To the second bold. ABA is largely reguarded as abusive. Frankly it isn't therapy. It's training. Yes training, the same damn way fundies blanket train. Here's a variety of articles on why https://autisticadvocacy.org/tag/aba/  Do not trust autism speaks. Do not trust Talk About Curing Autism. ABA is harmful and abusive to autistic people. While I'm sure there are some autistic people who disagree with me, the majority regard  ABA as a dangerous and harmful institution that needs to be stopped. You mention fine and gross motorskills, these would be addressed in occupational therapy, not ABA, ABA is behavior training. Training autistics to stop stimming. training us to stop self soothing. Training us to appear neurotypical for neurotypical comfort. 

Again, this has probably been addressed, I hope it has at least. But I'm playing catch up and thought it best to address this now while my mind is still fresh on the line of dialogue. 

Also excuse any typos, it's very late XD

[Mudgie]

10 hours ago, Peaches-n-Beans said:

OKay so I'm playing catch up here, but I'd like to address some of this from the view of an autistic person. 

To the first bold: not stimming and holding eye contact mean like... less then nothing. I can hold eye contact and not stim, i'm still autistic. You know why I can do these things? Because society in some way shape or form punishes me for not holding eye contact and for stimming. Be it, "look at me when I'm talking to you" scoldings from adults to those "behavior charts" in elementary school classrooms. Society rewards neurotypical behavior and punishes neurodivergents. Self stims are a good thing most of the time. Unless they're a self harm stim (like huxley bashing his head into the wall) they don't need to be stopped. Let me wave my hands, let me slap my chest, let me repeat the word "rickon' over and over and over. It's not hurting anyone. Self stimming is only an issue when it causes harm to the individual or another. 

To the second bold. ABA is largely reguarded as abusive. Frankly it isn't therapy. It's training. Yes training, the same damn way fundies blanket train. Here's a variety of articles on why https://autisticadvocacy.org/tag/aba/  Do not trust autism speaks. Do not trust Talk About Curing Autism. ABA is harmful and abusive to autistic people. While I'm sure there are some autistic people who disagree with me, the majority regard  ABA as a dangerous and harmful institution that needs to be stopped. You mention fine and gross motorskills, these would be addressed in occupational therapy, not ABA, ABA is behavior training. Training autistics to stop stimming. training us to stop self soothing. Training us to appear neurotypical for neurotypical comfort. 

Again, this has probably been addressed, I hope it has at least. But I'm playing catch up and thought it best to address this now while my mind is still fresh on the line of dialogue. 

Also excuse any typos, it's very late XD

Every word of this resonates so strongly and so deeply. My 19 year old daughter has Autism. When she was diagnosed we were told she is twice exceptional. High functioning Asperger's, ADHD, executive function deficit and she is profoundly gifted. She also, not surprisingly, suffers struggles with anxiety and depression. At the age of 6 her pediatrician referred us to a behavioral pediatrician through a well regarded children's hospital. That appointment lasted 3 hours and ended with me arguing intensely and heatedly with the doctor. I walked out of there so stunned and so shocked and all I could think of was that there had to be a better way. Everything she suggested to us struck me as doing nothing more than breaking my daughter's spirit and suffocating everything about her that made her who she is. 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to help her. I longed to help her. But my thinking was more about what can we eliminate that is painful about coping in order to leave her the energy to cope with the things we cannot eliminate. If that makes sense. I refused to stress eye contact with her because she told me it "hurts." Instead I told her to focus on the persons ear because then the person knows she is focusing on them and looking in that direction doesn't hurt her. I encourage her to simply tell people "I have autism and it makes me uncomfortable to look you in the eye. I can listen and interact better with you if I don't have to focus my energy on eye contact." It works. Guess what? Now, if she loves you and trusts you, she has no problem with eye contact. She doesn't hold it for prolonged periods of time but with her people she's completely at ease with it. 

I refused ABA for her. Refused. She didn't understand it, she was never going to understand it (not in a logic based succinct matter). What worked for her was CBT. Cognitive behavior therapy. That helped her with her anxiety to the point where she could relax enough to use her energy for other things. She says it was like she had a highway in her head and the CBT gave her an off ramp. 

Anyway, this is a subject I could go on passionately about for a really, really long time. I'll simply say that as the parent of a child (now young adult) on the spectrum I have long struggled with the concept that my child has to change for the world and often wondered why the world can't change for my child. People on the spectrum are the future in so so many ways. The world is going to have to adapt to them much sooner than it realizes. And it should. 

The only thing I have ever wanted for her was for to own her Autism. For her to define what that means for her for herself. I have always encouraged her to be outward and open about it. It's not a secret, it's not something that requires hiding. If she chooses to keep it private I respect that but if she chooses to shout it from the rooftops I'll be right there with a megaphone. I have never understood the parents who keep it secret or refuse diagnostics out of fear of a "label."  It's not a goddamn label.

I'm going to edit saying that I am fully aware that there is a vast difference between choosing privacy and hiding the diagnosis. Everyone must choose for themselves and their family. 

Edited June 28, 2020 by Mudgie

[MillieJo]

ABA has changed a lot through the years. I read a lot of negative things about ABA before I sent my son to get ABA therapy which is the only form of treatment for ASD. I was really scared, but a lot of the individuals who talk badly about ABA either don't know anything about it or had treatment years ago and were abused. 

ABA is not trying to make kids with ASD "normal" and they don't try to suppress stims. Everyone stims even neurotypicals. We all have some sort of stimming behaviors. People bounce their legs, tap on tables, whistle, chew gum, fiddle with things in their hands. Stimming is only bad when people repetitively stim so much that they can't function enough to provide daily care for themselves. 

ABA does more than just "train" individuals ASD to be "normal." They help them learn how to communicate, understand feelings, use the potty, self care, and for individuals who are higher functioning, they work with them so that they can be part of a mainstream classroom. 

No one ever forces my son to make eye contact either. They do not terrorize my child. My son loves the ABA teachers and his BCBA. 

Edited June 29, 2020 by MillieJo

[Mudgie]

1 hour ago, MillieJo said:

ABA has changed a lot through the years. I read a lot of negative things about ABA before I sent my son to get ABA therapy which is the only form of treatment for ASD. I was really scared, but a lot of the individuals who talk badly about ABA either don't know anything about it or had treatment years ago and were abused. 

ABA is not trying to make kids with ASD "normal" and they don't try to suppress stims. Everyone stims even neurotypicals. We all have some sort of stimming behaviors. People bounce their legs, tap on tables, whistle, chew gum, fiddle with things in their hands. Stimming is only bad when people repetitively stim so much that they can't function enough to provide daily care for themselves. 

ABA does more than just "train" individuals ASD to be "normal." They help them learn how to communicate, understand feelings, use the potty, self care, and for individuals who are higher functioning, they work with them so that they can be part of a mainstream classroom. 

No one ever forces my son to make eye contact either. They do not terrorize my child. My son loves the ABA teachers and his BCBA. 

My experience is 13 years old and we never revisited it as an option. I am glad to hear it's had such positive changes and that your son is thriving.  These things are such individual and unique processes and that is only one reason I love the Autism community of people. I never stop learning.

I don't necessarily agree that it's the only form of treatment for ASD, but that's a whole other fascinating discussion. 

[Stormy]

20 hours ago, Mudgie said:

Every word of this resonates so strongly and so deeply. My 19 year old daughter has Autism. When she was diagnosed we were told she is twice exceptional. High functioning Asperger's, ADHD, executive function deficit and she is profoundly gifted. She also, not surprisingly, suffers struggles with anxiety and depression. At the age of 6 her pediatrician referred us to a behavioral pediatrician through a well regarded children's hospital. That appointment lasted 3 hours and ended with me arguing intensely and heatedly with the doctor. I walked out of there so stunned and so shocked and all I could think of was that there had to be a better way. Everything she suggested to us struck me as doing nothing more than breaking my daughter's spirit and suffocating everything about her that made her who she is. 

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The only thing I have ever wanted for her was for to own her Autism. For her to define what that means for her for herself. I have always encouraged her to be outward and open about it. It's not a secret, it's not something that requires hiding. If she chooses to keep it private I respect that but if she chooses to shout it from the rooftops I'll be right there with a megaphone. I have never understood the parents who keep it secret or refuse diagnostics out of fear of a "label."  It's not a goddamn label.

I'm going to edit saying that I am fully aware that there is a vast difference between choosing privacy and hiding the diagnosis. Everyone must choose for themselves and their family. 

Thank you so much for this. I struggled to edit down the quote to a snip because every part of this resonates with my own experience.

I am autistic myself and have been diagnosed twice, once at 4-5 years old and again just recently at 25 years old (I'm 26 now) by two different specialists. Between those two assessments, I'd had my Asperger's diagnosis "lifted" by my original pediatric neurologist because I'd modified my behavior (by age 11-12) enough that she was convinced to do so. I'm not sure if she realized that this was at the behest of my mom, who regularly pointed out to me whenever I acting weird or crazy, chastised me for spacing out and "talking to myself", and punished my meltdowns despite my best efforts to keep it together, so I didn't dare "act up" in front of the doctor. I wasn't even aware that I had autism until my mom brought up years later about how doctors "thought" I had Asperger's, and talked about how she handled my behaviors like it was funny.*

Fast-forward a decade and I lived up to my "high-functioning/gifted" title: I went on to take AP classes and get third in my class, double-majored in college, nurtured my artistic talent, got cum laude, and have had gainful employment ever since. I've always been ambitious, taken care of my appearance, and am generally where you'd expect a young adult to be and perhaps beyond. Meanwhile, I've been consistently anxious and depressed without realizing it for much of that time, I still struggle to maintain friendships, and, yes, I still "talk to myself" pretty much daily while pacing in my apartment or driving in my car on the way to work. I never understood why I would lose focus so easily in class (or at work!), and just chalked it up to being tired and/or overwhelmed and that it would get better with time, to which it never did. I was surviving ("functioning"), but not thriving to my fullest extent.

I did some research on autism to be sure that this was still the case, with a focus on how autism affects women and girls. After some self-reflection and realizing I'd be dissatisfied just self-diagnosing, I decided to get re-tested as an adult. The psychologist diagnosed me, with confidence, as having Autism Level 1 (Asperger's, basically) earlier this year. I'm still trying to make some decisions as to what exactly this means in terms of treatment beyond peace of mind, and I'm leaning towards finding a medication to help me with concentration once COVID dies down. (My psychologist was adamant that I didn't "need" treatment, and only referred me at my insistence.) I feel this is necessary in terms of my specific struggles, which can be done in concurrence to embracing my autism. I still grapple with frustration over how my case was handled when I was young; while I did not receive any formal ABA therapy, I felt like I was shut down a lot with the aim of trying to get me to "get over" my hang-ups without getting to the bottom of why I was acting and feeling the way I was. I think that's the bare bones of why so many people are opposed to ABA.

*I've come to peace with the way my mom handled this, though I do not condone it. She grew up in a dysfunctional environment with little consideration for others' feelings and well-being, so she spent her early adulthood flying by the seat of her pants and was determined to create a better life for herself and her new family. She wanted us to be successful and independent, and was convinced a "label" would hold me back or make me vulnerable, which is why she tried so hard to tamp down my behaviors. I think part of her thought it was a fluke, and that I just needed to "snap out of it" and that I'd eventually be fine. After it became clear that it wasn't, she sent me to small, private schools, volunteered to chaperone for every single field trip, and was very picky on who she allowed around because she feared that I would be bullied or mistreated by kids or other adults who didn't understand that I was different. She was really reluctant to endorse me getting re-tested and kept asserting that I had "nothing wrong" with me and that there wasn't any point, and she only accepted it once I'd gone ahead and made my appointment. We have a good relationship and she's aware that I feel the way that I do.