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Bro Gary Hawkins 13: What's the other one, Becky?


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1 hour ago, mango_fandango said:

Gary makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

And I love that one of his repeated phrases is to ask "Am I makin' sense?"

I think the responses get weaker and weaker as his, um, relationship with a church continues. I would so dearly love to hear someone yell out "No! Not really. Can we go over those points again?"

 

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Gee, Gary, maybe your name calling is one reason why Becky has supervised visitation with her kids.  

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Can you imagine setting up a chiropractor appointment and a psychiatrist appointment at the same time as Gary? By the time it was your turn both you and the doctor would be drinking. 

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Man who shall remain anonymous due to HIPAA: Hi doc, I hope you can help me.

Doc: Tell me about it.

Man: My back has been hurting and I need it sorted..  My wife says you're good at handling this sort of thing, gave her a right whupping.

Doc: Oh you think I hurt her,  do you

Man: No, it did her a world of good.

Doc: Ah please tell me more about your relationship.

Man: Well she knows exactly what to do with weenies.

Doc: That is an interesting way to put it

Man: I want her gravy.

Doc: If you are here to talk about sex it is fine.

Man: No I'm a good Christian. I am here because I want to get rid of the pain.

Doc: We should get into the root cause of the pain

Man: I don't think it's the roots, it's the  prolapse. Prolepsy. Lepsory.

Doc: How long have you thought that you have leprosy?

Man: Listen, doc, can you help me twist my back into knots or not? It hurts frigging good.

Doc: Ah you're telling me that you like pain.

Man: No I want the pain to stop. Permanently.

Doc: And how long have you been having these thoughts of killing yourself?

Edited by AmazonGrace
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Gary is back at the wall of the mama dog (with no videos yesterday, I was hoping they might be on their way to a new spot, but no, they are still mooching off of Promise Baptist). He sits back from turning on (and turning around) the camera, and:

Spoiler

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Thanks, Gar. I think that's one of the few gross things I've never seen you do on camera. Our bingo cards are almost filled.

He says that was his "home church" where he, his son, and his daddy preached on Sunday. So I guess that storage room of scattered chairs is where his father is pastor (?).

His oldest son and his brother are helping him work on his truck. I assume, knowing Gary, that he is supervising while they do the work.

Unique moments among the usual rambling crap, rhythmic repetitions, "borned agin," "reptobate," "eh-fizz-ins," tooth sucks, and snorts:

"One of these days he's gonna blow that trumpet, or we're gonna die, whether it be by the grave, whether it be by, uh, however it's gonna be."

Deep, dude.

"My righteousness is filthy rags, Jesus' righteousness is perfect."

Gary likes the rag analogies.

He quotes the first line of each verse in Oh, Be Careful Little Eyes (with hand motions!), then tells us that, even though that's a kid's song, the same holds true for grown-ups. Well, what he actually says is "So it's OK for grown-ups to  . . . ?" and goes through most of the list and hand motions again, and then says "no" - 13 times.

If you're not saved, Jesus will "pick you up and cast you into the lake of fire." Wait, I thought you once said it just rose up to envelop us - has your Last Days theology changed, Gary?

He tells us he has to go eat breakfast - he's eatin' late because (wanna guess?)

Spoiler

he "had to" go to the store and get some things.

His lists his plans for the rest of the day "Gotta go work on mah truck, gotta get in touch with Jesus, Amen, and, uh, get ready for our trip next week, Lord's will we'll be gettin' out of here, gettin' back on the road.

He leans in to the camera and bellows:

Spoiler

PRAISE THE LORD! He says "As Brother David said, we did a little praise the Lord." Then yells it three more times.

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I suspect the folks at Promise Baptist will feel the same way.

As he's signing off, he notices that Andy Stock has commented, asking about his breakfast, "weeny gravy?" Gary confirms that he's gonna get his wife to make him some, and offers to come to Andy's church and have her make it for him.

Yes, Gary, we know you try to get pastors hooked on biscuits and weeny gravy, then offer to have Becky make it for them if they'll let you come stay and preach at the their church.

Gary is like a combination drug pusher and pimp - for Jesus, of course.

Edited by thoughtful
clarity
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While I was teaching, Gary was grifting (guess we were both busy at what we do best):

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Of course, someone had to help him identify what he was begging for - he can't even do the begging properly.

I wonder if this means that Gary's beloved truck is dead. I can just picture his tired, sweaty, filthy brother and son telling him, after hours of working for free, that there's no hope. If so, I wonder if Gary will leave it in whatever family driveway it's in now, for them to get rid of.

But maybe he just wants both.

ETA - duh. I think reading Gary's drivel is making me stupider. A trailer is just the  big empty wheeled box, to be pulled by the truck. So perhaps the truck is fine.

Edited by thoughtful
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The Bro Gary threads have me conditioned like no other on FJ.  Whenever I see that there's a new post I automatically think "What is that moron up to now?".  It just bubbles up from someplace in my head.  Consistent...like Gary.

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Those pull behind trailers are worth thousands.  Even a used one will go for over a $1000.  Gary's going to have to up his begging game.  Although, his family in NC might pony up the money just to get him back out of the state.

Gary, since the virus vahrs isn't going away any time soon, maybe you'd better just get an apartment somewhere and preach on your phone.  Perhaps the Lord is telling you to stay put.  

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11 minutes ago, Xan said:

maybe you'd better just get an apartment somewhere and preach on your phone.

@Xan is right, Gary. You could be a Facebook or YouTube star! You just need to up your game with some backdrops, perhaps some recordings of people yelling "AMEN!" and "PREACH!" Do a daily video, or maybe two.

Then, for the rest of the day, go do an actual job. You are restless and seem to love being in stores - do deliveries. Or go work in a meat packing plant - they say nobody would eat sausage if they knew how it was made, but maybe you and your beloved weens would be an exception, and you might get discounts! Or, you could be the guy who holds the Slow/Stop sign when road construction closes a lane - if you're far enough away from the person on the other end, you even get a walkie-talkie to play with!

Really, Gary, there are a lot of truly useful jobs for which you may be qualified. Your preaching is not a calling - it's an expensive hobby/addiction. It costs you nothing, but it's costing others their money, health and, if they have any sense, their patience with you.

 

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“it’s for the ministry” is Garyspeak for “ I expect it for free”? 

He has no idea how others are suffering due to the pandemic- because he has been enabled in his way of life he just doesn’t get that things are tough. If somebody does have a trailer it could be that selling it would provide meals or pay rent for a family who have been laid off or on a reduced wage - but no, Gary wants it for nothing and he’ll guilt trip you into thinking charging him is like charging Jesus. 

The selfish entitlement shows no sign of abating. 

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This morning, Gary has spilled (I hope) water on his shirt.

Spoiler

image.png.6e30402950259938fa5de7ad5774d0ba.png

We get the weather report, and a new mispronunciation "could be a chainch that it rains today." He tries to say he's "six foot above ground," (as opposed to six feet underground, I guess) and has trouble getting it out.

He greets Brother Andy, then says he's just been made aware of a Bible verse he didn't know. He has his Bible, and tells us to look at Amos 4:12.

It's probably just as well that Gary didn't notice the coincidence bolded above - I can just imagine the jokes he'd make.

He launches into his sermon, warning us that we need to prepare to meet God, then interrupts himself to wonder if we can hear him all right - Becky bought him earbuds and he's using them.

He says "It's time now - May the 12th, two thousand twenty, twenty-twenty - it's time to be prepared (deep sniff)."

Gary, it's the 13th. And for the love of God, please take a decongestant.

"Did you know  . . . (long pause) . . . did you know that . . . some people didn't wake up this mornin'? There's people that didn't wake up this mornin,' there's somebody's Mama that didn't wake up this mornin', there's somebody's Daddy that didn't wake up this mornin'."

He babbles about having seen on Facebook that a 7-year-old died. He claims that anyone who dies now, regardless of the cause, has Covid-19 or coronavirus written on their death certificate.

Silly me, I thought he was talking about being saved before you die, but it seems he has veered off into the conspiracy shit.

Oh OK - he's back to being saved. "When you die, you meet your maker, you meet your creator."

Israel is God's "chosen people," but they rejected Jesus, and that caused all of the troubles in the middle east. John 1:11.

"We might as wells git raht on this side, so we don't have to git raht on that side. We might as wells try to gets everything as much possible right here, so when we git to the other side we won't be embarrassed. So all of our sins won't be confessed in front of billions of people, Amen?"

On "this side" and "right here," and later, when he says "let's kneel and bow and confess here," he gestures to his belly, which seems to give his statements a whole other meaning. How does Gary want to "get right" with his belly, and bow to it? Lose weight? Fill it with weens? Stop spilling water on it when he drinks? Become a Buddhist?

I love the idea that being "embarrassed" about your sins is one of the threats of the afterlife he comes up with.

He says that "the ones that have rejected Jesus Christ" will be judged first. Christians will be standing around listening to them complaining that they were never told this would happen.

"Ezekiel says the blood will be on our hands" for not telling others about salvation. That's what he believes, and "if you don't believe it that way, you have the right to be wrong, Amen."

He appreciates people who pray for the Hawkins family. He "gets texas" (he means texts) and messages.

"Anybody  that is lookin' forward to the Judgment, we're not on the same team is all I can tell ya, because it's not gonna be as peachy as creams as ever'body (video skips).

He's gotta go eat the breakfast that Becky's been cooking for him, go get the keyboard they got fixed, get another part and put his truck back together. He'll be back at Promise Baptist tonight (we get a bit of his time zones riff).

Hey, Gary  - selfish restless people like you who go out and have unnecessary contact with others  at stores, churches, repair shops, and homes may be the reason some people didn't wake up this morning.

Not throwin' stones - just sayin'.

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Let's look at this logically.  People are not going to stand in line for the judgment.  God has already done that before you get there.  It's an analogy that people could understand and relate to going to the HIgh Priest for forgiveness of sins.  But the Gary's of the world picture this long line of people waiting their turn, like waiting to ride Space Mountain.

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On 5/10/2020 at 8:10 AM, thoughtful said:

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Becky confused me - why are they in a vehicle, when they are living in the church basement?

Then Gary's first live video looked like this:

  Hide contents

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Sunday school,  perhaps? Nice to know dogs are permitted to attend (we see another one wander by - not Mama dog, though). Someone is droning a song that contains the lyrics "every step that I take, every move that I make." Who knew Sting wrote for church?

Actually, it's a song called He Knows My Name.

A very young, very nervous man (a teen, perhaps) gets up to speak. He praises mothers for "all the sufferin' they have to go through, all the pain and agony." Nothing about love or care - just suffering. I get the impression that he has only recently heard a description of labor, and is still horrified. Either that, or his mother has been giving him guilt about his own birth for his whole life.

The rest of his sermon is about sin, because "we don't preach on sin like we used to." I'll spare you - he's another mumbling, yelling, judgmental, semi-articulate preacher in the making. Poor kid.

People wander around the room, and occasionally talk. We see Becky, and hear Gary's "amen" now and then. Someone (not Gary) bellows "Preach" when the young man is slow to find a verse.

 

 

Yea, like you said, that is his "home church".  I believe it literally is home.. to his parents.  There is never anyone else there besides his family.  The "Wells" are his sister and brother in law.  His brother was the first one talking during the service.  The nerve to call it a church and to use it as a sending church for his traveling is deceptive.  It is just family.  Don't people like him rail against home churches?  Does congregating with other believers count when the others are your extended family?  I sure hope Gary and Becky do not bring something home to his mother or father.  Good luck to them making it through.  

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3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

This morning, Gary has spilled (I hope) water on his shirt.

  Hide contents

image.png.6e30402950259938fa5de7ad5774d0ba.png

We get the weather report, and a new mispronunciation "could be a chainch that it rains today." He tries to say he's "six foot above ground," (as opposed to six feet underground, I guess) and has trouble getting it out.

He greets Brother Andy, then says he's just been made aware of a Bible verse he didn't know. He has his Bible, and tells us to look at Amos 4:12.

It's probably just as well that Gary didn't notice the coincidence bolded above - I can just imagine the jokes he'd make.

He launches into his sermon, warning us that we need to prepare to meet God, then interrupts himself to wonder if we can hear him all right - Becky bought him earbuds and he's using them.

He says "It's time now - May the 12th, two thousand twenty, twenty-twenty - it's time to be prepared (deep sniff)."

Gary, it's the 13th. And for the love of God, please take a decongestant.

"Did you know  . . . (long pause) . . . did you know that . . . some people didn't wake up this mornin'? There's people that didn't wake up this mornin,' there's somebody's Mama that didn't wake up this mornin', there's somebody's Daddy that didn't wake up this mornin'."

He babbles about having seen on Facebook that a 7-year-old died. He claims that anyone who dies now, regardless of the cause, has Covid-19 or coronavirus written on their death certificate.

Silly me, I thought he was talking about being saved before you die, but it seems he has veered off into the conspiracy shit.

Oh OK - he's back to being saved. "When you die, you meet your maker, you meet your creator."

Israel is God's "chosen people," but they rejected Jesus, and that caused all of the troubles in the middle east. John 1:11.

"We might as wells git raht on this side, so we don't have to git raht on that side. We might as wells try to gets everything as much possible right here, so when we git to the other side we won't be embarrassed. So all of our sins won't be confessed in front of billions of people, Amen?"

On "this side" and "right here," and later, when he says "let's kneel and bow and confess here," he gestures to his belly, which seems to give his statements a whole other meaning. How does Gary want to "get right" with his belly, and bow to it? Lose weight? Fill it with weens? Stop spilling water on it when he drinks? Become a Buddhist?

I love the idea that being "embarrassed" about your sins is one of the threats of the afterlife he comes up with.

He says that "the ones that have rejected Jesus Christ" will be judged first. Christians will be standing around listening to them complaining that they were never told this would happen.

"Ezekiel says the blood will be on our hands" for not telling others about salvation. That's what he believes, and "if you don't believe it that way, you have the right to be wrong, Amen."

He appreciates people who pray for the Hawkins family. He "gets texas" (he means texts) and messages.

"Anybody  that is lookin' forward to the Judgment, we're not on the same team is all I can tell ya, because it's not gonna be as peachy as creams as ever'body (video skips).

He's gotta go eat the breakfast that Becky's been cooking for him, go get the keyboard they got fixed, get another part and put his truck back together. He'll be back at Promise Baptist tonight (we get a bit of his time zones riff).

Hey, Gary  - selfish restless people like you who go out and have unnecessary contact with others  at stores, churches, repair shops, and homes may be the reason some people didn't wake up this morning.

Not throwin' stones - just sayin'.

These Gary updates totally make my day and sometimes I'm laughing so hard I can't talk.  Your writing voice is hysterical :)

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2 hours ago, keepercjr said:

Yea, like you said, that is his "home church".  I believe it literally is home.. to his parents.  There is never anyone else there besides his family.

Ah, thank you. That explains a lot.

Considering the love of "whupping," I was glad to see that the kids who were there felt free to move, make sound and even disagree with adults freely. So at least they may not be getting beaten for acting up in church, and still have some spirit. I hope it means that some of the family has gotten away from that disgusting tradition.

 

2 hours ago, Caroline said:

These Gary updates totally make my day and sometimes I'm laughing so hard I can't talk.  Your writing voice is hysterical

Thank you! Listening to Gary can be painful for many reasons, but tuning in, hoping for some new "wait, WHAT?" moment is worth it - it's like patiently digging for gems or panning for gold.

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I have fallen behind in my Gary duties. Let me catch up. This is a long one, and full of new material, so I have bolded the most WTF moments, for the benefit of anyone in a hurry.

Last night's service included these highlights:

Apparently, Covid-19 is not enough dangerous excitement for this church - they like to keep a box of tissues on the steps as a tripping hazard:

Spoiler

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I will reassure you that this guy makes it over the obstacle - and no, he doesn't go around it.

The Hawkinses drone through One More Time, and the hog-calling member of the congregation yells "AMEN" now and then, and "YES, HE HAS!" after the song says that Jesus has been good.

After Gary gets back to his place in the pews, we hear his heavy breathing.

Pastor Bray (I think) fights with his guitar strap, thunks the guitar against the lectern, yells "Praise God, anyway!" and gets a "God's good all the time!" from Gary. Way to stay positive, boys.

Then Bray (?) mumbles some sort of an introduction, fusses and putters a bit more, moves the capo, has Jacob bring him a microphone, mumbles some more, and, after three minutes of this,  finally sings. He still can't find his starting note, scoops into it from below, stops and mumbles something about keys, and finally (finally!) actually sings the song (which I could not find despite searching the lyrics I was hearing).

Is it worth the wait? Well, he's much better than Gary. But who isn't?

Gary returns the favor of yelling out "Amen!" and "Thanks be to God!" but also talks to Becky during the song.

Pastor Bray (?) dully mumbles how much of a blessing the Hawkinses have been "during the weeks they've been with us," as Gary comes back up to the lectern. He seems to be making announcements of upcoming events, but there's so much "AMENing" and "PRAISE THE LORD!" interjected that I can't make it out.

Gary mixes it up - he says "Good to be back in the house of the Lord." Gary, you wild man, you.

He goes right into talking about how restrictions are easing up. "They said in Virginia, they was lettin' 'em have 50% of the congregation. So I guess 50% can go the Hell and 50% go to Heaven, I guess, I don't know (laughs). Becky can't resist saying, quietly, that they could just have two services.

Next on Gary's very important Christian agenda: "I'm lookin' forward to gettin' to Georgia . . .  'cause ahm gonna get to go to a restaurant. Ahm gonna take the money I don't got and go sit down in a restaurant and look stupid."

Gee, Gary, maybe if you hint a little more pointedly, someone will give you money. Are you ready to start your actual Bible reading and sermon yet?

Almost - one more "lookin' forward to gettin' back on the road and gettin' busy for the Lord."

He says Matthew 27 . . . and then gets back to his personal life "I have been runnin' all day long." And we hear all about how he woke up at 6:00, prayed, laid in bed for a while, went and got the "keyboard piana whatever ya wanna call it." Then "mah piece came for mah truck, so ah rode all the way to Germanton and got that fixed." More, including "Ah ain't got no money left, but ah got a truck, Amen."

We get it Gary - you need money. Get back to Matthew. He announces "Matthew, chapter 27, verses 11."

Verses 11 to  . . .?  We don't know. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but one of Gary's annoying habits is that he always names the chapter, then says "verses" but only tells us the number of one verse, even if he is going to read a lot of verses. He never says "starting at verse ___" or "verses ___ to ___."

Since it sounds like "versus," it makes me picture the chapter and verse numbers as opponents in a boxing match. "In this cornahh, in the fuchsia trunks, 27! In this cornahh, in chartreuse trunks, the challengah, 11!"

It also means I have to guess how many he will read, and follow along until I see where he ends.

It turns out to be Matthew 27:11-18. The crowd chose to release Barabbas, not Jesus. Gary sticks with the story for about a minute, saying that Barabbas went right back to his life of crime, then "Me and Becky was at Home Depot yesterday."

He had to replace a tool box because he'd bought "cheap junk" which "tears up real quick-like, Amen." He doesn't know if the new one will be any better, but it's bigger.

So, how does this relate to Barabbas?  Gary says they saw a "young boy and a young girl" with a baby that couldn't have been more than a year old. The video freezes, and when it starts again, Gary is saying "of my business 'n' ever'thin' but he's handcuffed."

No, not the baby. I think Gary saw this young man get arrested. He postulates (I think - it's another Gary-tangle of words) that this man didn't actually have plans to go to Home Depot that day and get arrested. He was just "actin' like a sinner." Those who didn't wake up today and found themselves in Hell were similarly surprised.

Back to Barabbas -"look in John chapter 19, verses 4 . . . " Sigh - I'll wait, Gary, where does this reading end? Oh, wait - it's just verse 4!

They let Barabbas go because they could find no fault in Jesus.

He revs up to yelling, pacing, arm-waving mode: "I know we got a lot of scholars out there, and there's a lotta DUMB people that think they're smart! And they say 'well, Jesus makes mistakes' and I mean, HEY I've heard this, 'n' Jesus was married (it sounds like 'mared' or 'merde' - Jesus married a horse?! Jesus was French feces?! Gary, I think most people would agree that would be a scholarly error!)."

Anyway, Gary is glad he uses the King James, "cause it don't have no errors in it AMEN!"

Going into the sinner-saved-by-grace false modesty, Gary says that if somebody went to the courthouse and looked up all the records, they'd find a lot of faults in Gary Hawkins. Yeah, and another f-word, Gary - felony.

Jesus spoke like nobody had before, because "he had a spir'tual mouth, amen." That's new.

We need to be careful of where our eyes is lookin' at." "Eyes" comes out sounding like "arse." Gary, first "merde," now "arse" - c'mon, 'fess up - you are really a European performance artist, aren't you?

He mentions the "Be Careful" kids' song he quoted in his Facebook video, says he's not sure if this is in there or not, then goes right on to claim that the song says "Be careful, little mind, what you put there." It doesn't, at least not in the versions I could find online.

When you're in a store and you hear that rock 'n' roll or that country music and "jest because of nature, guess what?"

Well, what, Gary? You start dancing, sing along, pop your fingers, get an erection? What?

He doesn't say.

He's not braggin' on this (he inserts some random shit against teenagers), but he used to be a big Elvis Presley fan (I know, I know - I share your horror).  He used to have 90% of Elvis' songs memorized. If you fill up your head with that, it stays there. I guess Gary has sinful earworms.

He admits that this is a diversion from his intended message, but just wants to speak his heart, if that's all right with them (like that's anything different from usual, and like he'd get back to Barabbas if someone yelled "No - get back to the planned sermon!").

It's unclear (so what else is new), but I think he says that he had a neighbor, who was a preacher, who blasted rock 'n' roll and country music every day, and that's what Gary woke up to every morning as a kid. And (very dramatic and suddenly quiet) "you could hear the demons o' Hell comin' out that music."

Even softer, after walking to the front of the dais: "Playin' it backwards."

Gary, full sentences that make sense would be a nice addition to the drama - was the neighbor playing it backwards? Did you hear the demons either way? I'm so confused.

"You don't turn to the country music station if you have problems with that stuff." "I'll tell ya what that stuff'll do to ya . . . (softly) it'll kill ya."

Country music?!  :wtf:

"If it's fleshly music, ah'm tellin' ya whatcha gotta do, is leave it alone."

Gary reiterates that he doesn't know why he got off on this subject, but then says God put the memory there, so He wanted Gary to include it. Very modest.

Matthew 1:18, 21 - the birth of Jesus, to take away sin. And Gary's father used to drive a bus with a Wesleyan who claimed he never sinned.

Back to Barabbas. Wait - no, Job. Job had three "frenemies." Gary acts like he just invented that word, and explains what he means by it. Job's frenemies reminded him of his sins - humans will do that. But God has never once reminded Gary of his past sins.

The yeller in the congregation (I wonder if it's the appropriately name Pastor Bray) says "Amen. What sins ya talkin' about?" I'm not sure what that's about, but I think he's imitating the voice of God/Jesus, implying one is forgiven.  Either that, or he's channeling Gary Coleman.

Another verse about the birth of Jesus (why?), then Jesus walking with Enoch, and then the old four footsteps/two footsteps thing (at least Gary gives it some local flavor by saying that Jesus was "totin'" him).

Why did they release Barabbas? Barabbas had corruptible seed, Jesus has incorruptible seed. "And guess what! When I got borned again, little over almost 21 years ago, I accepted His seed."

Pause.

"Now this flesh did not, but my inner man did."

I know it's metaphorical, Gary, but, during that pause, my inner 12-year-old got a giggle from your inner man.

Gary's truck has corruptible seed.

He goes to several more Bible verses to explain why Barrabas was released, but I don't have the patience to find and post them - sorry.

"I don't remember much about my birth." But he does remember his incorruptible birth.

Gary's says he's not a priest, and "I sure don't wanna be a Pope, 'cause the Pope is full of dope, Amen." :wtf: He waits for laughs, and gets them. He doesn't want to hear your whole life story before talking about salvation. Y'know, Gary, it's possible to embrace your own tradition without Catholic-bashing.

"Ah love mah wife, about half the time." So clever - right up there with the anti-teen snark. But sometimes he has to talk to God, not his wife. He loves his Daddy (full-time, apparently), but there are things he needs to go to God for, not Daddy. But I bet Daddy is one of the people you touch for money, Gary.

He's not skeered to die, but he hopes it's peaceful. He tells us  about one of his grandfathers, who he never met, who was an invalid late in life, and how his wife was trapped caring for him. He hopes that they were saved. He also hopes Becky doesn't have to go through that.

Mark this moment, folks - Gary actually thought about how hard it would be on Becky if he was an invalid. His word choice left him open to snark, though - he says how horrible it would be if "she had to wait on me hand and foot," and my first thought was "and that would be different how?"

But he has victory over death, because he is saved. "As Billy Kelly says, 'I could swing over hell with a rotten cornstalk.'"

Mansion, street of gold, etc. Other than Jesus, the other person he'd want to fellowship with in Heaven is John the Baptist, because he had a mean streak right down his back and wasn't afraid to speak his mind.

He tells a gruesome story about seeing two young people jump out of a Suburban that was on fire, then exploded. He's seen a lot of accidents.

He tells a story about a dying preacher who yelled "This is sweet!" He says that "before they started givin' morphine to people, you knew when somebody was goin' to Hell and you knew when somebody was goin' to Heaven." Now they're so doped up that you just have to wonder.

He says these are just some thoughts he had while "waitin' on Becky" to cook him some food and cut his hair before he took a shower.

But he would be horrified if she had to wait on him hand and foot.

Gary, please:

Spoiler

1113047485_gifmaleficanthush.gif.5be76677bb9c33c5808667dbbca65b77.gif

 

Edited by thoughtful
sinful riffles, due to my corruptible seed, no doubt
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Gary, a good commentary on the Bible is your friend.  An outline is your friend.  Notecards are your friends.  Anything would be your friend to keep you from wandering all over the countryside in your sermon.

I do advise, however, to not be one of those preachers who says "pay me what I'm worth" because you would have to pay the church.  

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Re the rock music backwards- there used to be tales when I was a teenager (a very long time ago) that if you played certain heavy metal bands music backwards it spelled out hidden messages about the devil. 

I liked comedian Bill Hicks’ take  on it “ if you listen to heavy metal played backwards, you  are the f***ing devil” ! 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, Idlewild said:

Re the rock music backwards- there used to be tales when I was a teenager (a very long time ago) that if you played certain heavy metal bands music backwards it spelled out hidden messages about the devil. 

I liked comedian Bill Hicks’ take  on it “ if you listen to heavy metal played backwards, you  are the f***ing devil” ! 

I didn't even bother mentioning that, because I figured it was common knowledge. But I guess it wouldn't be, since the technology has changed. Thanks!

I think the first rumor I heard about playing records backwards was part of the "Paul is dead" nonsense.

Quote

On 17 September 1969, Tim Harper, an editor of the Drake Times-Delphic, the student newspaper of Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, published an article titled "Is Beatle Paul McCartney Dead?" The article addressed a rumour being circulated on campus that cited clues from recent Beatles albums, including a message interpreted as "Turn me on, dead man", heard when the White Album track "Revolution 9" is played backwards

I have a clear memory of hearing about that, because a friend was telling us all about it, in hushed tones, in my living room, and the windowshade suddenly rolled up.

Ooooooo! Spooky!

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24 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I didn't even bother mentioning that, because I figured it was common knowledge. But I guess it wouldn't be, since the technology has changed. Thanks!

I think the first rumor I heard about playing records backwards was part of the "Paul is dead" nonsense.

I have a clear memory of hearing about that, because a friend was telling us all about it, in hushed tones, in my living room, and the windowshade suddenly rolled up.

Ooooooo! Spooky!

I find as I get older stuff I thought was common knowledge earns me very odd looks from younger colleagues!! 

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Gary was live, in his usual spot, this morning, with the yellow plaid shirt and his fresh haircut. See if you can guess what word he has looked up in his new dictionary.

He says they had a good service last night, and the Lord met with them. He says they'll only be there for another few days, then changes that to a week, heading north - er, no, south, to South Carolina. Yeah, Gar - it's right there in the names of North and South Carolina.

He talks about what states are openin' up, and the protestors surrounding Governor Cooper's office, "givin' him a subpoena on why we can't have church." I think you mean filing a lawsuit, Gary.

He repeats his conspiracy theory about how all death certificates say coronavirus now. But first he rattles off a whole list of places you could die, including the parking lot of a restaurant, since you couldn't be inside one (man, Gary misses restaurants). But they are gonna put "Coven-19" on your "birth - uh, not your birth, your death certificate."

He can tell it's the End Days, because it's "per'lous tahms" and there are "pelestins." I can only guess that the last word is how Gary thinks one says "pestilence."  :confusion-shrug:

"There's more preachers aginst each other now than in the history of time." Hyperbolic much, Gary?

And, as ever, he claims he hasn't been criticizing anyone. He says "It's a sad day that we're in" about 80 times (OK, I'm exaggerating).

Gary has a relative (he's not naming names, but he doesn't care if they're watching, 'cause they already know how he feels) who goes to a church that preaches a false gospel (that would be "Jesus only," and works, rather than "thedeathburial'n'resurrectionofourLord'n'Savior"), and their preacher is "skeered to death of this stuff." He thanks God they ain't having church, because they're not lying to people with their false gospel that isn't about "thedeathburial'n'resurrectionofourLord'n'Savior."

Paul said "Be careful of those comin' preachin' another Jesusss." These people are "preachin' another Jesusss." Gary's just settin' back watchin,' and "churches is lettin' the guv'ment tell them what to do and when not to do and blah blah blah."

You tell 'em Gary - hone those intellectual arguments to a fine point, as only you can!

I so, so, SO love how Gary always gets nasty about other people immediately before or after he says he never does - sometimes he even bookends insults with his "no stones" claim.

He says that "what's goin' on in other countries are comin' to America - vastly openin' up the doors and bringin' it right in here (he make big circles with his arm)." "One of these days you're gonna be drivin' by a church, and they're gonna have padlocks on the church doors. Ah b'lieve that. Raht here in the good ol' USA of America."

OK, folks - "USA of America" is a keeper.

Governors are putting people in jail for meeting in church. They claim it's "nothin' to do with the church, but there's preachers settin' in jail, beCAUSE they met in church."

Here's Gary making his "governor claiming it's nothin' to do with the church" face:

Spoiler

image.png.1e9398cd50406373f6f99a240f20ae2c.png

Then he makes his "I'm just sayin'" face, which I won't post, because y'all know what it looks like and I don't want anyone to punch their computer or throw their phone across the room.

"It's got ever'thin' to do with the church. They're vastly takin' our rahts away from us."

More of the usual - people are more scared of the vahris than going to Hell, they're not stayin' six feet apart at Lowes, Home Depot and (dingdingding!) Walmarts, etc.

Why he thinks the fact that there are other assholes out there not social distancting means something about - well, anything - is beyond me. As far as I can tell, it's just a 47-year-old's version of Not faaaaaiiiir! Billy and Bobby aren't staying six feet apaaaart, so why shouldn't I do whatever I wannnnnnt?

"Just sayin'" face again.

Repeats of needing to stand up for our rights, wanting to meet John the Baptist in heaven, Preachers called out the sin and the sinner, by name, when he was a kid, and still should. So Gary, why don't you call out sinners  (aka cash cows) for their sins, by name? Yeah.

Brother Michael asks and gets prayers for his pain, Gary commiserates:

Spoiler

image.png.8bb42360b0b936cb4c17c43e3be119ae.png

He wants saved people to know they will be  judged for the works they did. You're gonna be judged on what you did during the Covid-19 period. You'll either be embarrassed down here or embarrassed up there.

He uses the "everything is peachy, as they say in Michigan" phrase again. Gary, really, people all over use that expression. In fact, considering where peaches grow, I suspect it originated in the south!

He's fully into the "thief in the night" analogy, warning us all that we'd better be ready for Jesus to come back. "Jesus Christ himself don't even know!" He squints at the camera, goes completely silent, and moves his lips while reading:

Spoiler

image.png.00dc19d804c0a849054f3d2d86ec5415.png

 

Gary ignores her, as he did the last time she posted, and goes right back to being ready for Jesus to come judge you. He winds down into a mumbling mess, with lots of repeats, then ends with . . . something I've never heard him say!

"Be careful not have Preacher for dinner, 'n' ahm talkin' 'bout not havin' him over, ahm talkin' ' bout talkin' ' bout him. Be careful and not have Preacher for dinner, or supper, or breakfast, in fron' of your kids, amen, amen, amen."

In case that didn't make sense, he's saying don't discuss preachers in any negative fashion.

Yo, Gary:

Spoiler

841423367_gifyouthinkthatyoumadeapointNPH.gif.36c64b61975a54f49cddc71309a069e9.gif

 

 

Edited by thoughtful
corruptible-seed riffles again
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9 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary was live, in his usual spot, this morning, with the yellow plaid shirt and his fresh haircut. See if you can guess what word he has looked up in his new dictionary.

He says they had a good service last night, and the Lord met with them. He says they'll only be there for another few days, then changes that to a week, heading north - er, no, south, to South Carolina. Yeah, Gar - it's right there in the names of North and South Carolina.

He talks about what states are openin' up, and the protestors surrounding Governor Cooper's office, 'givin' him a subpoena on why we can't have church." I think you mean filing a lawsuit, Gary.

He repeats his conspiracy theory about how all death certificates say coronavirus now. But first he rattles off a whole list of places you could die, including the parking lot of a restaurant, since you couldn't be inside one (man, Gary misses restaurants). But they are gonna put "Coven-19" on your "birth - uh, not your birth, your death certificate."

He can tell it's the End Days, because it's "per'lous tahms" and there are "pelestins." I can only guess that the last word is how Gary thinks one says "pestilence."  :confusion-shrug:

"There's more preachers aginst each other now than in the history of time." Hyperbolic much, Gary?

And, as ever, he claims he hasn't been criticizing anyone. He says "It's a sad day that we're in" about 80 times (OK, I'm exaggerating).

Gary has a relative (he's not naming names, but he doesn't care if they're watching, 'cause they already know how he feels) who goes to a church that preaches a false gospel (that would be "Jesus only," and works, rather than "thedeathburial'n'resurrectionofourLord'n'Savior")and their preacher is "skeered to death of this stuff." He thanks God they ain't having church, because they're not lying to people with their false gospel that isn't about "thedeathburial'n'resurrectionofourLord'n'Savior."

Paul said "Be careful of those comin' preachin' another Jesusss." These people are "preachin' another Jesusss." Gary's just settin' back watchin,' and "churches is lettin' the guv'ment tell them what to do and when not to do and blah blah blah."

You tell 'em Gary - hone those intellectual arguments to a fine point, as only you can!

I so, so, SO love how Gary always gets nasty about other people immediately before or after he says he never does - sometimes he even bookeneds insults with his "no stones" claim.

He says that "what's goin' on in other countries are comin' to America - vastly openin' up the doors and bringin' it right in here (he make big circles with his arm)." "One of these days you're gonna be drivin' by a church, and they're gonna have padlocks on the church doors. Ah b'lieve that. Raht here in the good ol' USA of America."

OK, folks - "USA of America" is a keeper.

Governors are putting people in jail for meeting in church. They claim it's "nothin' to do with the church, but there's preachers settin' in jail, beCAUSE they met in church."

Here's Gary making his "governor claiming it's nothin' to do with the church" face:

  Hide contents

image.png.1e9398cd50406373f6f99a240f20ae2c.png

Then he makes his "I'm just sayin'" face, which I won't post, because y'all know what it looks like and I don't want anyone to punch their computer or throw their phone across the room.

"It's got ever'thin' to do with the church. They're vastly takin' our rahts away from us."

More of the usual - people are more scared of the vahris than going to Hell, they're not stayin' six feet apart at Lowes, Home Depot and (dingdingding!) Walmarts, etc. Why he thinks the fact that there are other assholes out there not social distancting means something about - well, anything - is beyond me. As far as I can tell, it's just a 47-year-old's version of Not faaaaaiiiir! Billy and Bobby aren't staying six feet apaaaart, so why shouldn't I do whatever I wannnnnnt?

"Just sayin'" face again.

Repeats of needing to stand up for our rights, wanting to meet John the Baptist in heaven, Preachers called out the sin and the sinner, by name, when he was a kid, and still should. So Gary, why don't you call out sinners  (aka cash cows) for their sins, by name? Yeah.

Brother Michael asks and gets prayers for his pain, Gary commiserates:

  Hide contents

image.png.8bb42360b0b936cb4c17c43e3be119ae.png

He wants saved people to know they will be  judged for the works they did. You're gonna be judged on what you did during the Covid-19 period. You'll either be embarrassed down here or embarrassed up there.

He uses the "everything is peachy, as they say in Michigan" phrase again. Gary, really, people all over use that expression. In fact, considering where peaches grow, I suspect it originated in the south!

He's fully into the "thief in the night" analogy, warning us all that we'd better be ready for Jesus to come back. "Jesus Christ himself don't even know!" He squints at the camera, goes completely silent, and moves his lips while reading:

  Hide contents

image.png.00dc19d804c0a849054f3d2d86ec5415.png

 

Gary ignores her, as he did the last time she posted, and goes right back to being ready for Jesus to come judge you. He winds down into a mumbling mess, with lots of repeats, then ends with . . . something I've never heard him say!

"Be careful not have Preacher for dinner, 'n' ahm talkin' 'bout not havin' him over, ahm talkin' ' bout talkin' ' bout him. Be careful and not have Preacher for dinner, or supper, or breakfast, in fron' of your kids, amen, amen, amen."

In case that didn't make sense, he's saying don't discuss preachers in any negative fashion.

Yo, Gary:

  Hide contents

841423367_gifyouthinkthatyoumadeapointNPH.gif.36c64b61975a54f49cddc71309a069e9.gif

 

 

I'm a high school teacher who spends 7 hours a day creating lessons for five classes, grading lessons for five classes, constantly emailing kids and parents about the lessons some of them are not even attempting , and meeting  on Google Meets helping kids limp along to the finish line of remote learning this year.  It is exhausting in the oddest of ways, and I look forward to your frequent Bro Gary recaps to leave it all behind until the next grueling on-line day. At 3:30 every day I'm excited to find out what nonsense Gary's been up to. I especially appreciate the 'merde' episode because I'm a French teacher !  My husband and daughter can't understand my fundie obsession in the best of times, but I simply explain that it's a coping mechanism during this Covid Spring.  I really appreciate what you're doing for my mental health :)

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3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Why did they release Barabbas? Barabbas had corruptible seed, Jesus has incorruptible seed. "And guess what! When I got borned again, little over almost 21 years ago, I accepted His seed.

I was already laughing like a hyena, then I go to this, and I had to stop reading in order to laugh even harder...

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26 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary ignores her, as he did the last time she posted

Sarah Anne Hoyt is probably one of those "Coven-19" people. :angry-devil:   I'm enjoying your recaps, @thoughtful.  Thank you! 

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1 hour ago, Idlewild said:

I find as I get older stuff I thought was common knowledge earns me very odd looks from younger colleagues!! 

Between being a nerd with odd interests, and having lived a lot of years, I've been on both ends of those things many times.

I try not to assume what other people know, but I messed up on that one, and I'm glad you filled it in.

I tell my piano students never to be surprised if they mention something "everybody" knows (especially their requests for new pieces), and I am clueless, nor to be surprised by my getting some reference they never thought I'd get. My brain-file is such a mish-mash of things that whether I know what people expect me to know is a crapshoot!

I don't know whether I have 90% of the songs Elvis Presley sang memorized, though.

This guy posted on Gary's Facebook again:

image.png.c4942ec04c03ebdbd5af587f6287a9ff.png

It's a match made in Heaven.

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