Bro Gary Hawkins 13: What's the other one, Becky?

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

@thoughtful  I’m enjoying your recaps so much, thank you for your sacrifice. 

About Noah and the people not seeing rain,  these guys believe before the flood the earth’s atmosphere contained massive amounts of water and earth was like a perfectly climate controlled greenhouse.  (Like a giant water bubble). This all ended when God let it rain and flooded everything. It’s SCIENCE ! 

I read all about it in a Chic tract, so it must be true.  

I dont believe it’s in the Bible but peeps have had revelations cause God forgot to include this in the Bible ....who knew God      was so forgetful.    

 

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

About Noah and the people not seeing rain,  these guys believe before the flood the earth’s atmosphere contained massive amounts of water and earth was like a perfectly climate controlled greenhouse.  (Like a giant water bubble). This all ended when God let it rain and flooded everything. It’s SCIENCE ! 

How have I never heard that one?

Thank you.

So, Gary is telling stories that are not in the KJV - bad, bad boy, Gary!

While I'm here, Becky brings us the good news that one of JillRod's favorite films is available for free:

Spoiler

And there's no false equivalency, inaccurate information, or emotional manipulation here, nosirree! 

Spoiler

Last time I checked, no Japanese police are killing or teargassing US citizens just because they are US citizens, and we're not at war with our own people (well, we shouldn't be), and nobody's asking adorable tiny children to apologize, and why am I telling you guys - you know.

 

[PumaLover]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Jesus' blood cannot be worshed away. Went into Walmarts today and saw they had the little Bloodmobile in there." Gary tells use most of his blood goes to his truck. It's good that people give blood to try to save lives, but "ah got everlastin' blood."

Lots of bloody blood imagery.

Made me think of this: 

 

Your luminol comment earlier made me laugh on a day that I desperately needed a laugh. Thank you for all of your fine ween-translations and commentary. 

These days I'm mostly just reading about Bro and J-Rod and I don't know which one is more ridiculous. They both get to travel around on other peoples' dimes. They ask for things and people just give them to them–I don't get it! Jill and Co.'s singing is atrocious, Bro's preaching is… worse than atrocious? Infamous? More than famous??

And @Destiny your profile pic is my absolute favorite on FJ. 

[Ozlsn]

On 6/15/2020 at 9:02 AM, thoughtful said:

Gary just wants to be a help, it says so right on his pamphlet, but he says, rather scornfully "ah bin to some places, I couldn't help them - Jesus couldn't help them."

What a pathetic Jesus he follows.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells use most of his blood goes to his truck.

That'd be a different horror movie.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

all of a sudden the Lord's tellin' Noah 'you want me to build an ark?'"

"Yeah thanks mate, that'd be beaut. Can you collect the drowning people as you go as well? Oh and we'll need Tardis-like dimensions and a lot of internal cages."

[Xan]

Bro Gary is still under his tent tonight.  The feed from the church was so erratic that I couldn't watch it.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) Becky has it on her page.  Alas, I'm not able to listen to him for very long.  (Bless you, thoughtful!  We owe you so much wine and so many rescue ferrets!)  Anyway, I skipped around.  He's mad that someone reported that there was a Covid-19 outbreak from West Virginia churches.  He responds on Facebook, "I put on there - what about Walmarts? What about Lowes? ... Matter of fact, they're doing more social distancing in churches than they're doing in Walmarts.  I was just there yesterday and there was nobody six foot apart."  Why is Gary always at Walmart Walmarts?

He blathers on about how we are in end times.  I jumped ahead to the second pasture* and he's even louder and more annoying than Gary.  No wonder there's almost no one there.  Gary didn't seem worried about attendance.  He says that God will put the people there who need to be there.  There must not be many sinners in Clanton, Alabama.

Gar's putting on the pounds.  Why are fundie pastures* usually wearing pants that need hemming?  These are people that value home arts like sewing.  And yet they're always wearing pants that puddle at their feet.

*Our new word to denote preachers like Gary.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Xan

[thoughtful]

Thanks, @Xan!

I was busy doing some actual work tonight, and then trying to figure out the new configuration of the fire trap that is the Rods' Barndominium.

I may listen for any new gems from Bro Gary on this one tomorrow, but you caught the all-important Walmarts reference!

However, Gary would correct you about one thing. He insists (vigorously!) that he is not a "pasture" - he is a preacher or evangelist.  "Pastures" are responsible for a home church - not Gary's thang.

[keepercjr]

On 6/15/2020 at 10:29 AM, thoughtful said:

Between tooth sucks, he tells us he had a good day yesterday, with "good fellowship" and "good liberty to preach," and reminds us that Brother Daniel Bryan (Becky: "Bryant") needs a 15-passenger van if the Lord is willing.

Bryant is the future missionary to Africa with five children and one on the way, who goes to that church - yesterday's post was already so long that I didn't bother adding that.

 

The Bryants had their baby a few days ago.  Cute little guy named Rocky.  Looking at his page, Bryant is a typical, Gary-like Trump supporter.  Their youngest baby isn't even 1 yet (will be next month) so 6 kids with at least 1 set of Irish Twins.  I don't envy Mrs. Bryant at all.  They also travel and preach, begging online for missionary quarters to stay in.  I can't imagine all that traveling and driving with such young children strapped into their car seats.  I imagine they just let them cry.

 

On 6/15/2020 at 11:27 AM, Xan said:

He's been doing this for years and either has never been offered a church or has never tried to get one.  I imagine he wears out his welcome fairly quickly.  And maybe, like the Rods, he likes to be pretty much on vacation all the time.  No lawns to mow.  No electric bills to pay.  Also, he feels that he is the only person standing between Heaven and Hell for his occasional flock.  If he just tells them to get saved, they're going to do it.  No reason for him to have to actually work for a living.

 

I am sure he has been offered.  He posts occasionally about churches who are looking for a pastor.  I don't think he actually wants to be a real pastor.  He knows they need an actual paying job (has mentioned it).  He doesn't want that.  He likes traveling on everyone else's dime, giving the same sermons over and over to different audiences.  I can't imagine him actually being able to care for a congregation either.  Too much work for him. 

On 6/16/2020 at 9:06 PM, thoughtful said:

Of course, he mentions how he would have gone to heaven last night if the accident had been worse

This makes me sad for Jacob.  Gary talks about his own death all the time.  I can imagine that must be very frightening for him.  He would never say anything but I can imagine that he thinks about it.  He doesn't want his dad to die!  My mom says stuff like "when it is my time, it is my time" (usually when I am trying to get her to go to the doctors if not feeling well) and it scares the shit out of me.  I am 39 and I still need my mom!  And so do my kids.  I know she isn't actively trying to die or anything but it still gives me anxiety.

[larrysmom]

On 6/17/2020 at 12:53 AM, thoughtful said:

While I'm here, Becky brings us the good news that one of JillRod's favorite films is available for free:

Oh  boy - I had to look this up:

Spoiler

 

Wonder if the guys on God Awful Movies will do this one...it seems to be a good candidate.

[thoughtful]

Last night, Gary read from Matthew, and got some of it correct. He added, subtracted, and substituted a few words, with his usual devotion to the book he considers to have come directly from God, word for word, in English.

"There's no doubt that we are in the tahm, as it was in Noah's tahm  amen."

Gary knows this because, even during the pandemic, "the drivethroughs was full amen." Also "things goin' on in our world, countries goin' on in our world."

Gary has no doubt there will be a civil war, but these are the Last Daysss.

He revs up to yelling.

Just like people thought Noah was crazy for building an Ark, the people of Clanton (hey, he said it right!) think they're crazy for putting up a tent and having church every night since last Thanksgiving.

Amos said there was going to be a famine (he pronounces it "fay-min") of doctrine.

There are earthquakes and fires, which the Bible predicted as part of the Last Days. "California always on fahr, which, you know - HA! - when you're that liberal, ya need to burn up. AMEN. Do you know why people are movin' out of California? 'Cause they're tahrd of how liberal it is and how bad things are."

Watching the news "is gonna outthrow (out row? outgrow? hard to tell) your flesh, 'n' it's gonna make you mad, ah'm gonna say sumptin' to ya, you oughta git sss uh ssss mad, but not mad enough to be angry at people, amen?"

He does his schtick about "messed up" weather signifying the end of the world. He talked to some people in upstate New York, and "through the winter of their time of bein' up in New York and up in Maine, they had a mil'  winter. You know when they got their most snow? When May came. That's when it's sposed to be startin' to git, startin' to git on the start of the what you, what we call fall."

Not quite, Gary - the rest of us call it Spring.

Here's an amazing string of gibberish: "Ah'm jest sayin' here that we're in the part, listen, these thangs are fulfillin', thangs are every day, I mean, you wake up you know whatchu gotta do when you reali - you gotta wake up and reali - I wonder what we're gonna see tomorrow?"

Gary says "I cain't keep mah mouth shut when it comes to ignorance."

I think we've found Gary's epitaph.

But, of course, he is referring to someone else's "ignorance." Someone posted on Facebook that, in West Virginia, "this Covid-19 was spreading . . .in . . . churches."

@Xan covered the comments right after that.

He tells a story about one of his daughters asking him (he says she "hollered back there" after they'd all gone to bed) about the Judgement Day fate of saved people who didn't do good enough works, just showing up at church and never handing out tracts.

Gary answered her: "Whenever their tahm comes, their works is gonna be burnt up, and they're gonna have a handful of ashes to thow at Jesus' feet."

Lovely bedtime story, Gar.

Ooooh, it's the Wednesday night Second Coming theory. Will the people be watching I Love Lucy, or has he advanced to The Brady Bunch?

Damn, he doesn't mention a TV show, just "fiddlin' our fingers, playing on Facebook."

Walmarts has boards up "so you cain't bust their glasses out."

"Lest ye be reptobate." Thanks, Gary. I like to hear it once per sermon.

In Canada right now, "preachers cannot get up in their pulpit and they cannot preach against sodomites."

Spoiler

                 

 

Gary makes sure we know that he never, in almost 48 years of life, has wanted to be a woman. "Matter of fact, ah was in mah mother's womb for about nine months, and bless God I got out as quick as ah could amen."

He's glad his wife is a woman. "Ah've got men friends, not boyfriends. MAKE THAT CLEAR, AMEN!"

Gary, chill out - your being straight is not exactly earth-shattering news.

He thinks it's "pretty sick" that "the women wanted go into the men's bathrooms and the men wanted to go into the women's bathroom."
 

On 6/18/2020 at 1:20 AM, keepercjr said:

This makes me sad for Jacob.  Gary talks about his own death all the time.  I can imagine that must be very frightening for him.  He would never say anything but I can imagine that he thinks about it.  He doesn't want his dad to die!

I think about Jacob, sitting there listening, whenever Gary goes into his death and Final Days crap. Besides constantly bringing up the possibility that he will die soon, and how happy he is about it, making Jacob picture his father's death, Jacob probably thinks about the rest of his loved ones, and himself. Imagine being just 13, and having a parent who went on and on about how  we could all die any minute.

That story about his daughter was of that same disgusting, morbid ilk.

Maybe she was sitting up reading the Bible or discussing theology with a sibling, and it was a question that came up. And I don't know how old she was. But man, yelling that out after everyone has retired for the night really sounds like it the act of a kid who was lying there in the dark, coming up with all kinds of horrified thoughts of how she won't measure up at Judgement Day (which she was constantly being told could be any minute).

And the answer she got was truly terrifying, for a child raised to believe she has to earn a crown to lay at Jesus' feet.

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[wallysmommy]

I can tell you first hand they scare the shit out of you with that rapture and last days stuff.  When I was a kid if  my parents were late coming home from work, I was afraid they'd been taken in the rapture and my brother and I were left behind to fend for ourselves.  I had visions of being beheaded, because that's what they taught us would happen to believers who were not raptured.  As an adult, I talked with one of my friends about it, and she said she had the same terror.  

This is what Jacob deals with day in and day out.  Poor kid!

 

[thoughtful]

In the Lying Makes Baby Jesus Cry department, we have this, which Gary posted this afternoon:

Spoiler

Gary, that's a lovely picture of your tent in a beautiful pastoral setting. However, this is where it is now:

Spoiler

Rousing rendition of Peace Like a River and a few other songs. She may be wearing pants, Gary, but she sings with fervor and plays with skill, despite the too-high table and too-low chair you've stuck her with.

I think I'm seeing now that there are two musical women at this michigan. This one is the gospel pianist and singer, and the shorts-wearing, ponytailed, unthanked water-bearer is the one who belts to recorded music.

The shorts-wearer takes the mike, and takes command, with waving arms and a catch in her voice. I wonder what Gary is thinking, as she gives the full Grand Old Opry/Broadway treatment to  He Took the Nails and You Say.

 

Spoiler

The Hawkinses sing. I fast-forwarded.

Gary starts his message by saying that some things he said last night might have been misunderstood. He says that there is no other bible but the King James, because it was under the inspiration of God, and the rest were man-written. He thinks they might have gotten the wrong idea because he might have misread something.

I actually do remember something from last night's reading where he put in a more modern word, but don't remember where it was.

He also says "I do not believe the Lord's comin' back to Earth 'til after the tribblation is over. I do not believe in, ah'm not goin' through, listen, if you gonna go through part of the tribblation, hang on, you gonna go through all of it. Ah'm not going through one ounce of it. When that trumpet blows, now the Lord is comin' back but it's at the end."

So, pre-trib Rapture, post-trib Second Coming, Gar?

"Ah don't have a problem apologizin' when ah'm wrong, amen. And so, most preachers won't have, don't got the guts to do that."

Way to be humble, Gar. How pleased Jesus must be.

He goes on about himself and his wonderful attitude, while turning pages in the Bible, and we hear a woman ask gently "what chapter?"

Gary announces the reading, and someone says "Thank you, Lord." It doesn't sound like the typical calling out, it sounds like someone deeply grateful that this shlub is finally going to get to the Bible verses.

Matthew

Gary says "And they had then a noble prisoner, called Barabbas," instead of And they had then a notable prisoner, called Barabbas..

Today's message is "Why Would You Have to Release Barabbas?" We've heard this one before.

But Gary veers off into people preaching, as Paul warned "another Jesusssss," and not just the Catholics, but there's a Catholic lady (he thinks it's a lady, he's not sure), who calls him only when she knows he can't answer, and leaves messages about Peter being the first (he says she cusses here) Pope.

After a bit of wandering around that (he never gets to who else besides the Catholics are preaching "another Jesus"), he gets back to Barabbas.

You can't get incorruptible blood from a thief. He directs them to the wrong next verse, and stumbles around a bit, then says the point is that "Judas found no fault in Jesusss."

I think you mean Pilate, not Judas, Gary.

He doesn't like to be around somebody who thinks they're "it" and have never made a mistake.

Back in those days, he tells us, thieves and disobedient children got stoned to death. "Y'know what, ah'm gonna tell ya, some of this crime stuff that's goin' around, if we'd go back to some of that punishment like the Bible talks about, we'd change a lot of things, amen."

Jesus "had perfect blood, He had a perfect way about him, He hated sin."

He screams for a few minutes about how they had to let Barabbas go because Jesus was perfect.

Gary's flesh likes to "rare up." Brain bleach can be found under the sink, if you need it.

He says something again about "what happened last night" and that he could have said "the best thing for me to do is go take mah tent down because they just think they're 'it.' No, ah'm not that kind of person."

I wonder what happened? Maybe it was made clear in Mims' message last night, which I didn't listen to, but I think Gary got rebuked and chastised!

Gary starts a story about hurting his finger by saying "When you're not on the road, you don't get money, amen?" He was doing some sort of job with Jacob, and hammered his finger. He makes no connection to his message.

"When does a baby start sinnin'? Maybe a day and a half - maybe a little quicker than that - after it's born."

He asks if they've ever played with a baby who was a few days old,  making it giggle, then turned off the light and left the room, asks "y'know what happens?" then gives an incredibly loud shriek. "You can say that isn't sin if ya want to, but that's the biggest sin they ever was for a baby, amen."

He says he knows the baby doesn't know what it's doing wrong, and then goes right on to say you should start correcting a child as soon as possible, even though the government says you shouldn't.

When he "was in Mashashoosetts," five years ago, someone told him that, in that state "you're not allowed to touch your child."

Ever? That sounds impractical.

Oh, he means spanking and touching for "correction." He said "I sure am glad I live in North Ca'olina, 'cause I still correct mine, amen."

Well no surprise there. But Gary, someone in this story is lying. I only wish that is was true that spanking is illegal  - in MA and the rest of the country.

https://www.masslive.com/politics/2015/06/supreme_judicial_court_says_sp.html

Gary stumbles through the whole "corruptible seed" routine, and the skeletons in his closet have been worshed in the blood.

He claims that, when Becky has made him late getting on the road, it was an intervention from God, to keep him from getting in an accident.

He tells us again how AAA won't help us quit drinkin'. Yes, Gary - that's because they are the people who get your car towed.

He rants about everyone accusing the churches of spreading the coronavirus, says he may have had it in February, then jokes that maybe he's the person who's spreading it. He gets a laugh, and someone says "thank you."

Other than that last response, he wasn't getting too much interaction. I wonder if  the people at Through the Grace are thinking "another seven days of this?"

Edited June 19, 2020 by thoughtful
errors everywhere

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Other than that last response, he wasn't getting too much interaction. I wonder if  the people at Through the Grace are thinking "another seven days of this?

I wouldn't have come back after the first session. I'll be interested to see how much attendance drops over the next week. I mean, he's incoherent, stumbles over fairly basic things and shrieks randomly. I can see congregants deciding they don't have time to waste on this.

Also Gary? Get to the point and the Bible verses already.

 

[Four is Enough]

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says "I cain't keep mah mouth shut when it comes to ignorance."

I think we've found Gary's epitaph.

 

He thinks it's "pretty sick" that "the women wanted go into the men's bathrooms and the men wanted to go into the women's bathroom."
 

The first quote? @thoughtful, you are  a genius.

 

The second? I have never understood what a bit of porcelain has to do with anyone's sexuality... or why sitting on it has to do with sin.

[wallysmommy]

Goofy Gary has convinced himself he'll be at the front of the line to get into heaven.  Little does he know he'll be behind Catholics, the wrong kind of Baptists, Lutherans, any other denomination, women preachers, pastors who shut down their churches during the pandemic, LGBTQ+, people who give to others because they have jobs, people at Walmarts, women with short hair and/or wear pants, men who wear shorts, people who wear bathing suits, (well you get the picture).

[Xan]

Good grief.  Gary is in a snit over Chick-fil-a.  He called "the CEO of Chick-fil-a and asked someone, "I wanna know if it's true that you all wanting us to apologize for being white and, uh, wanting us to repent for being white."  Then he tells the poor woman who answered the phone,  "I'm onna tell ya, I don't like Chick-fil-a."  Then he digresses into talking about how much more he likes the Popeye's fried chicken sandwich.

Apparently, Dan Cathy was on a program recently and said that white Christians should repent of racism and fight for their black brothers and sisters.  This has the fundie world in an uproar.  I guess even admitting that you might have been racist is now "apologizing for being white".  Gary is an idiot.  "I'm not racist but I'm not gonna eat at a place that's going to tell me what I can or cannot...what I have to do."  "Is there any scripture for a man to repent if he's white or black or yella or red? No.  I ain't found that in the Bible. Amen?"

He talks about the food they serve before the services every night.  (Now we know why Gary is here.  They feed him.)  He is hoping that souls get saved and that "saints are getting some help and edified and are growing in the Lord, spiritually..." (Why do saints need help? Now I'm more confused.)

He's heading up to NC for a couple of days after being in Alabama and then he goes up to Maine.  He wants us to pray that the Lord will provide "what needs to be provided".  Nope, Gar.  Those things at the ends of your arms are not ornamental.  Use your own two hands and figure out a way to provide what you need yourself.

That's it.  I'm halfway through his tooth sucking, backyard soliloquy and I can't take anymore.  Anyone else game to try?

Edited June 19, 2020 by Xan

[Destiny]

I can tell you first hand they scare the shit out of you with that rapture and last days stuff.  When I was a kid if  my parents were late coming home from work, I was afraid they'd been taken in the rapture and my brother and I were left behind to fend for ourselves.  I had visions of being beheaded, because that's what they taught us would happen to believers who were not raptured.  As an adult, I talked with one of my friends about it, and she said she had the same terror.  
This is what Jacob deals with day in and day out.  Poor kid!
 

I feel you. I still have those nightmares too. That shit seriously screws with your head, especially thanks to those awful 70s left behind movies.

Also, as a Californian, fuck you gary for making funof the fires. People died you asshole.

[Caroline]

39 minutes ago, Xan said:

Good grief.  Gary is in a snit over Chick-fil-a.  He called "the CEO of Chick-fil-a and asked someone, "I wanna know if it's true that you all wanting us to apologize for being white and, uh, wanting us to repent for being white."  Then he tells the poor woman who answered the phone,  "I'm onna tell ya, I don't like Chick-fil-a."  Then he digresses into talking about how much more he likes the Popeye's fried chicken sandwich.

Apparently, Dan Cathy was on a program recently and said that white Christians should repent of racism and fight for their black brothers and sisters.  This has the fundie world in an uproar.  I guess even admitting that you might have been racist is now "apologizing for being white".  Gary is an idiot.  "I'm not racist but I'm not gonna eat at a place that's going to tell me what I can or cannot...what I have to do."  "Is there any scripture for a man to repent if he's white or black or yella or red? No.  I ain't found that in the Bible. Amen?"

He talks about the food they serve before the services every night.  (Now we know why Gary is here.  They feed him.)  He is hoping that souls get saved and that "saints are getting some help and edified and are growing in the Lord, spiritually..." (Why do saints need help? Now I'm more confused.)

He's heading up to NC for a couple of days after being in Alabama and then he goes up to Maine.  He wants us to pray that the Lord will provide "what needs to be provided".  Nope, Gar.  Those things at the ends of your arms are not ornamental.  Use your own two hands and figure out a way to provide what you need yourself.

That's it.  I'm halfway through his tooth sucking, backyard soliloquy and I can't take anymore.  Anyone else game to try?

So psyched that Gary's coming my way again (Maine), although I live far away from where he's going.  Yesterday my husband and i received four pounds of hotdogs from Rochester, NY (2 pounds red/ 2 pounds white) from one of my sisters-in-law who knows how much my husband misses them. Gary would be jealous of the red ones, although they're evil NY hotdogs and not red Maine weens.  

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

That's it.  I'm halfway through his tooth sucking, backyard soliloquy and I can't take anymore.  Anyone else game to try?

Going in, but first:

2 hours ago, Xan said:

He talks about the food they serve before the services every night.  (Now we know why Gary is here.  They feed him.)

Well, of course! And he lists the menu in great detail.

2 hours ago, Xan said:

He is hoping that souls get saved and that "saints are getting some help and edified and are growing in the Lord, spiritually..." (Why do saints need help? Now I'm more confused.)

I think Gary uses "saints" to mean "saved people." Mormons sometimes refer to individuals in their church as saints, and I even remember a "we are all saints" theme for November 1 at the Episcopal church I worked for. So it's not unheard-of in other groups.

I'm sure Gary would be horrified to find out he has anything in common with Mormons or Episcopalians!

Picking up where you left off:

Gary makes sure we know it's not a church he's at - it's a mission (and yes, I was disappointed that he didn't say "michigan"). He starts to say "It is The Way - no, (slowly) Through the Grace of God Ministries." And without even looking at a sign - good job, Gary.

Y'know, staying in one place and actually being part of a community would remove the burden of trying to remember dozens of different (but annoyingly similar) names of organizations and churches, Gary. As someone who has problems with remembering names, myself, I highly recommend it.

Gary reminds us that the mission has been having church every day since before Thanksgiving, because "the guy" (again, names are easier to remember if you stay put, Gary!) felt they needed to be open every day.

"Ast an ye shall receive, if you ast not amiss." In repetition, "amiss" turns into "a myth."

He drifts off into a discussion of the price of hamburger being high. "I haven't seen that, because I haven't needed to buy no hamburger." No shit, you lazy grifter.

But he claims it's because he prefers chicken, and will pay the extra price for it, because you can do chicken all kinds of different ways: "fried chicken, grilled chicken, barbecued chicken, chicken casserole, chicken bog."

OK, now this is sounding like performance art again, because that's essentially the shrimp speech from Forrest Gump, singsong cadence and all.

Your trials and heartaches are not because "God hates your - hates you" (was he going to say "hates your guts?") but to help you  "grow in your faith, grow in your sss - gettin' a better spirit - spirtality."

The Lord could be coming today, tomorrow, 2021, 2022 - did you know that? Gary wanted to make sure he mentioned it.

Also, people are dying, all the time. Bet you never heard that before.

"The las' statisic that ah got was is that, um, every six - every second six people die, 'f'that's right."

Poor Gary, he then gets into trying to do the math, along with saying many words with s in them.

"If it is true, and that is satisti - statisic - satistic, six people every second. Well, sixty - sixty seconds in a minute, 60 tahm 1 is a be 60 people dah. No, that'd be wrong.  Be a lot of people dyin' in a minute's tahm. I have to count that up."

Gary, bring the following with you when you make a video, or preach a message:

1. a calculator.
2. a cheat sheet with the name of the place you are staying, where you are preaching, and what town and state you are in. Optional - time zone.
3. an outline of what you are going to say, with a pencil to check things off so there are NO REPEATS.
4. a water bottle - Jacob is not your slave.
5. for messages, a reminder to get to the Bible reading right after a short greeting, say the name of the book and all of the numbers, then go right to it and read it.
6. reminders not to be racist, sexist, abusive, mean, self-righteous or pigheaded.

OK, now I'm very far into fantasy-land. How about the water, the calculator, the outline and the pencil?

"Every tahm ah open my mouth, people dyin'. Every tahm ah shut mah eyes, people dyin.'"

Now there is a song lyric in the making.

 

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

I think Gary uses "saints" to mean "saved people." Mormons sometimes refer to individuals in their church as saints, and I even remember a "we are all saints" theme for November 1 at the Episcopal church I worked for. So it's not unheard-of in other groups.

So, does that make Gary a saint? I'll never hear "When the Saints Go Marching In" again and not be mentally seeing Gary huffing along in that crowd.

And Gary will never be seen with a calculator.  That's too science-y.  Probably made by Satan.  Maybe he'll just yell for Becky or Jacob and have them do the numbers for him.

ETA:  The trouble I have listening to Gary is that he sounds like my late father-in-law.  My mother-in-law was a delight but my father-in-law was a total waste of a person.  He loved going to church and quoting Bible verses but was pig-ignorant, lazy, and always first in line when food was being served.  He couldn't hold down a job but he liked to brag about what a good Christian he was.  He even sounded like Gary.  Some days, I'd just look at him and think that he was a waster of perfectly good oxygen that someone else could have been breathing.  The man's dead now and I still don't like him.

Edited June 20, 2020 by Xan

[AmazonGrace]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

"Every tahm ah open my mouth, people dyin'. Every tahm ah shut mah eyes, people dyin.'"

 

Good grief, Gary, you gotta stop blinking, how many people did you kill already?

[smittykins]

19 hours ago, Caroline said:

Yesterday my husband and i received four pounds of hotdogs from Rochester, NY (2 pounds red/ 2 pounds white) from one of my sisters-in-law who knows how much my husband misses them.

Zwiegles?(I like them too, but my supermarket of choice no longer carries the beef ones.)

Quote

I think Gary uses "saints" to mean "saved people." Mormons sometimes refer to individuals in their church as saints, and I even remember a "we are all saints" theme for November 1 at the Episcopal church I worked for. So it's not unheard-of in other groups.

In “Just As We Were”(the book I recently bought which reminisces about the “growing up born again” experience), it says “We believe everyone who has accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior is a saint.”

Edited June 20, 2020 by smittykins

[Caroline]

Yes! Zweigles!  So good.  It's a treat when we get them in the mail like that.  They're not available here at all.

[PumaLover]

On 6/18/2020 at 11:22 PM, thoughtful said:

He tells us again how AAA won't help us quit drinkin'. Yes, Gary - that's because they are the people who get your car towed.

Genuinely laughing out loud at this.

@Destiny where was he making fun of the fires? I missed that part.

[Lillymuffin]

21 hours ago, Xan said:

So, does that make Gary a saint? I'll never hear "When the Saints Go Marching In" again and not be mentally seeing Gary huffing along in that crowd.

You know what Billy Joel said, “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.” (The sinners really are more fun.) 

[Destiny]

On 6/18/2020 at 7:39 PM, thoughtful said:

There are earthquakes and fires, which the Bible predicted as part of the Last Days. "California always on fahr, which, you know - HA! - when you're that liberal, ya need to burn up. AMEN. Do you know why people are movin' out of California? 'Cause they're tahrd of how liberal it is and how bad things are."

 

It was here @PumaLover

Edited June 21, 2020 by Destiny