Mrs. Midwest 3: Feminine Racism

[JermajestyDuggar]

15 minutes ago, quiversR4hunting said:

she lives closest to Muskegon. The bad thing is a lot of baby stores have gone out of business (babies r us was the biggest) and most regular furniture stores don't carry cribs. The BEDZ store in Muskegon (per the website) doesn't have cribs, Art Van is going out of business and Langlois also doesn't show cribs. 

But I know Walmart and Target have cribs (both near her). so she could have found a more economical choice than a $700 crib. 

Exactly. Walmart and Target always have cribs for sale. 

[AmericanRose]

Only the best for spawn of Husband.

[AmericanRose]

MM is getting rid of a lot of books, and I saw "Anne of Avonlea" on the table.

I disapprove.

[JermajestyDuggar]

12 hours ago, AmericanRose said:

MM is getting rid of a lot of books, and I saw "Anne of Avonlea" on the table.

I disapprove.

Not surprised. Anne had a feminist side that MM would disapprove of. 

[AmericanRose]

Anne is probably too feminine for Son of Husband.

So for someone who insisted she wasn't going to be as online as she was, she's been 1.) posting on Insta a ton and 2.) posting more than pre-hiatus on her blog. Of course, her blog doesn't have comments, so...

 

[kaluce]

My question is- is it truly modest to be this vain? She's constantly staring at herself in her stories. I don't know anyone in real life- even those pesky feminists- who do this? 

 

I mean, no issue if you do, but don't call yourself MODEST. 

Spoiler

https://imgur.com/a/fMJBm7G

(the gif didn't auto unfurl, but it's at that imgur link)

Edited August 28, 2020 by kaluce

[sydneynoaustralia]

Has anyone else noticed that she hasn't been putting as much effort into fixing her hair since she's been pregnant? She keeps wearing it in these flat, slicked-back styles and she looks like Draco Malfoy in drag.

[JermajestyDuggar]

7 hours ago, sydneynoaustralia said:

Has anyone else noticed that she hasn't been putting as much effort into fixing her hair since she's been pregnant? She keeps wearing it in these flat, slicked-back styles and she looks like Draco Malfoy in drag.

It’s not surprising to me. When I got pregnant, all the fucks I gave about my looks went right out the window. 

[Petronella]

On 8/19/2020 at 3:04 AM, kaluce said:

i understand wanting the best but she spent a tonnnnn and I’m pretty sure it’s just for the aesthetics cause that’s just a box a baby sleeps and shits itself in. 
 

I understand pointing out that $700 is a lot for someone who brands themselves as frugal, but I don't at all get dismissing a crib as unimportant because it's "just a box a baby sleeps and shits itself in." Sleeping and shitting and two fundamental human things we all do an awful lot of, and choosing things that make us more comfortable as we so frequently do them is pretty darned important. Adults care about having a good mattress, for example, even if it's "just a box we sleep on." People care about having a nice bathroom, and rightly so.

I know that a more expensive crib may be more expensive just for the brand name or decoration, and is not necessarily more comfortable in a way that the baby will experience. Or maybe it is. Depends on the specifics.

But the phrase "just a box a baby sleeps and shits itself in" really rubs me the wrong way. You might as well say "a house is just a box you live in"! Why be dismissive about carefully choosing an item your baby will use so many hours every single day?

On 8/19/2020 at 7:04 AM, Pleiades_06 said:

This advice is toxic, especially to women. It’s a way to get them to shut up and comply no matter what the situation. 

(Re: graciousness) Yes! What an important observation. I'm so glad that people are starting to call out toxic positivity.

[cartouche]

In case we needed any more proof this whole thing is a LARP...

Could she *possibly* use anymore dog whistles to say,  "I am a silly emotional woman and my husband is a strong logical man. Please praise me for belittling myself and putting him on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum."

Also "Husbear is rescuing me" with the sad face emoji... ?? It would be funny if it were a joke, but she's not joking... 

She's constructing a false fantasy around her real life and using it to gain approval from her creepy male followers. It's sad to me that a baby is going to be a part of this ploy, too.

[FiveAcres]

On 8/28/2020 at 10:58 PM, sydneynoaustralia said:

Has anyone else noticed that she hasn't been putting as much effort into fixing her hair since she's been pregnant? She keeps wearing it in these flat, slicked-back styles and she looks like Draco Malfoy in drag.

Curse you for putting that in my brain.  What is seen can never be unseen.

[GlitterJam]

On 8/29/2020 at 5:58 AM, sydneynoaustralia said:

Has anyone else noticed that she hasn't been putting as much effort into fixing her hair since she's been pregnant? She keeps wearing it in these flat, slicked-back styles and she looks like Draco Malfoy in drag.

My husbear shall hear about this!

Edited August 30, 2020 by GlitterJam

[Marmion]

8 hours ago, cartouche said:

In case we needed any more proof this whole thing is a LARP...

Could she *possibly* use anymore dog whistles to say,  "I am a silly emotional woman and my husband is a strong logical man. Please praise me for belittling myself and putting him on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum."

Also "Husbear is rescuing me" with the sad face emoji... ?? It would be funny if it were a joke, but she's not joking... 

She's constructing a false fantasy around her real life and using it to gain approval from her creepy male followers. It's sad to me that a baby is going to be a part of this ploy, too.

I think that is is what is known as " doctrine over person " .  https://libertyforcaptives.com/2012/09/21/identifying-religious-brainwashing-doctrine-over-person-part-7-of-8/  

[AmericanRose]

So there is a clip of MM in her unflattering square-cut top/dress, apparently folding laundry whilst she talks about how she "doesn't really wear ponchos" because................. they're not very flattering for her "larger chesticles".

I'm just going to go die of laughter now.

[AmericanRose]

ATTENTION, MARRIED LADIES OF FJ!

Caitlin is going to teach you all something very important! So important, in fact, it needs 2 blog posts!

Conversational Improvement: Communicating With Your Husband (Pt. 1)

"Please keep in mind that I practice Biblical Christian womanhood and traditional Biblical marriage, so my perspective is of course going to be colored through that lens."
I think this is the most confirmation we've received that she's uber Christian. I skimmed through this, and... oh my goodness.

Tone

Spoiler

"My advice here is to learn to be disciplined and mature in the control of your tone when communicating with your husband so that you might have an advantageous position in which to communicate your needs, present your ideas, and address problems. 

Men respond best to showcases of respect, and tone is the best way in which we can show that we respect our husband. 

Always come into the conversation in a way that communicates your respect and admiration. Avoid adopting a harsh or critical attitude. Rather, approach him with gentleness and maturity, showing that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore not a ticking time bomb. He will be much more likely to engage with you and be open to hearing your voice if he senses that you are a safe and controlled person to have a discussion with. It is essential to avoid a hostile environment during tense or sensitive discussions, and that setting begins with YOU. Never have a hostile, accusatory, or unyielding tone or attitude. Always always always present in a nurturing and positive way, even if the subject material is sensitive.  

Adjust your vocal tone, your body language, and even the setting and timing when you need to bring up serious subjects. Don't start a fight right before you head out to a family event. Don't enter a conversation with your arms crossed and a scowl on your face. Don't start a fight in public: be strategic. Being strategic with your tone and the timing of your conversations increases the possibilities of you and your husband coming to a mutual understanding, and it increases the possibility of you getting your needs met."

Sandwiching

Spoiler

"I first learned this in my communications program, and have since adopted it into my marriage as well because it WORKS.

For example, if your husband has been consistently late from work without notifying you, causing you to worry or feel confused about dinner times, I suggest you bring it up by sandwiching it. Approach him in a nice setting and tell you you would like to discuss something. Begin by thanking him for his hard work and all he does to provide for you and your family. This is the top of the sandwich. This is ESSENTIAL because a man needs to feel appreciated and noticed for his work in order to be receptive to your requests. That's just the way it is. 

Next, tell him the problem. Say that you have been running into some problems with him not telling you when he's going to be late and that it often makes you feel anxious or confused about when to start dinner. DO NOT stress that it makes you angry. That will only lead to more problems: never cite anger as a reason for him to do or not do something. It just won't work. Then, suggest a simple and easy solution to the problem, like maybe he sends you a quick emoji that means he's going to be late: nothing complicated. 

Finally, thank him for hearing your heart and ask for his thoughts. This part is the bottom of the sandwich. It's essential to acknowledge the sacrifice someone makes by sitting through criticisms of their behavior: it's not comfortable! We all know that! But also remember to ask for his thoughts in a kind way, so that he might feel included in the discussion, rather than ordered around.

Do not have your husband live in fear of your anger, rather, show him how he can increase your happiness and be your hero. This method is extremely effective and will work with nearly any situation, big or small. If you need to ask him to bring out the trash more, sandwich. If you want to bring up having a baby, sandwich. If you want to go on vacation, sandwich. Do it. I promise it works."

Take that, Transformed Wife - women can learn something in college!

Logic

Spoiler

"If you begin to let the hysterics in, it's soon going to turn into a wildfire, ruining the discussion with emotional and hysterical melodrama.

Remember that men often need rational explanations to lead them to the point you are trying to make. Saying things like "I just don't like it" isn't going to fly. Explain WHY something is affecting you negatively, and explain what exactly can change to fix the situation. 

If you have already thought of possible solutions, present those as well. Men like to fix our problems and if you offer him a way that is effective and pleasant for both of you, it will be very helpful. So instead of saying "I don't like how infrequently we have sex," you could say "I would like to have sex more often. This is how frequently I am thinking. What do you think?" This opens a discussion and keeps things from getting heated right off the bat. "

Well. At least she advocates for couples counseling if needed and says to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Of course, she has to mention sex. And it's the wife wanting more. We see your pandering to your real audience.

But... how stupid does she think people are? Women just automatically get hysterical when upset and have no desire to calmly talk things out with their partner? Men need to be sweet-talked into doing something and are so dumb they don't even realise they're being "sandwiched"? How old is this man, that he has to be handled so delicately?

I cut a lot of her specifics out, and I gotta say... this seems like a lot of work to simply have a conversation / make a request of your spouse.

I'd be willing to bet part 2 is how to handle the husband's criticisms of you.

Edited September 2, 2020 by AmericanRose

[kaluce]

9 hours ago, AmericanRose said:

ATTENTION, MARRIED LADIES OF FJ!

Caitlin is going to teach you all something very important! So important, in fact, it needs 2 blog posts!

Conversational Improvement: Communicating With Your Husband (Pt. 1)

"Please keep in mind that I practice Biblical Christian womanhood and traditional Biblical marriage, so my perspective is of course going to be colored through that lens."
I think this is the most confirmation we've received that she's uber Christian. I skimmed through this, and... oh my goodness.

Tone

  Reveal hidden contents

"My advice here is to learn to be disciplined and mature in the control of your tone when communicating with your husband so that you might have an advantageous position in which to communicate your needs, present your ideas, and address problems. 

Men respond best to showcases of respect, and tone is the best way in which we can show that we respect our husband. 

Always come into the conversation in a way that communicates your respect and admiration. Avoid adopting a harsh or critical attitude. Rather, approach him with gentleness and maturity, showing that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore not a ticking time bomb. He will be much more likely to engage with you and be open to hearing your voice if he senses that you are a safe and controlled person to have a discussion with. It is essential to avoid a hostile environment during tense or sensitive discussions, and that setting begins with YOU. Never have a hostile, accusatory, or unyielding tone or attitude. Always always always present in a nurturing and positive way, even if the subject material is sensitive.  

Adjust your vocal tone, your body language, and even the setting and timing when you need to bring up serious subjects. Don't start a fight right before you head out to a family event. Don't enter a conversation with your arms crossed and a scowl on your face. Don't start a fight in public: be strategic. Being strategic with your tone and the timing of your conversations increases the possibilities of you and your husband coming to a mutual understanding, and it increases the possibility of you getting your needs met."

Sandwiching

  Reveal hidden contents

"I first learned this in my communications program, and have since adopted it into my marriage as well because it WORKS.

For example, if your husband has been consistently late from work without notifying you, causing you to worry or feel confused about dinner times, I suggest you bring it up by sandwiching it. Approach him in a nice setting and tell you you would like to discuss something. Begin by thanking him for his hard work and all he does to provide for you and your family. This is the top of the sandwich. This is ESSENTIAL because a man needs to feel appreciated and noticed for his work in order to be receptive to your requests. That's just the way it is. 

Next, tell him the problem. Say that you have been running into some problems with him not telling you when he's going to be late and that it often makes you feel anxious or confused about when to start dinner. DO NOT stress that it makes you angry. That will only lead to more problems: never cite anger as a reason for him to do or not do something. It just won't work. Then, suggest a simple and easy solution to the problem, like maybe he sends you a quick emoji that means he's going to be late: nothing complicated. 

Finally, thank him for hearing your heart and ask for his thoughts. This part is the bottom of the sandwich. It's essential to acknowledge the sacrifice someone makes by sitting through criticisms of their behavior: it's not comfortable! We all know that! But also remember to ask for his thoughts in a kind way, so that he might feel included in the discussion, rather than ordered around.

Do not have your husband live in fear of your anger, rather, show him how he can increase your happiness and be your hero. This method is extremely effective and will work with nearly any situation, big or small. If you need to ask him to bring out the trash more, sandwich. If you want to bring up having a baby, sandwich. If you want to go on vacation, sandwich. Do it. I promise it works."

Take that, Transformed Wife - women can learn something in college!

Logic

  Reveal hidden contents

"If you begin to let the hysterics in, it's soon going to turn into a wildfire, ruining the discussion with emotional and hysterical melodrama.

Remember that men often need rational explanations to lead them to the point you are trying to make. Saying things like "I just don't like it" isn't going to fly. Explain WHY something is affecting you negatively, and explain what exactly can change to fix the situation. 

If you have already thought of possible solutions, present those as well. Men like to fix our problems and if you offer him a way that is effective and pleasant for both of you, it will be very helpful. So instead of saying "I don't like how infrequently we have sex," you could say "I would like to have sex more often. This is how frequently I am thinking. What do you think?" This opens a discussion and keeps things from getting heated right off the bat. "

Well. At least she advocates for couples counseling if needed and says to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Of course, she has to mention sex. And it's the wife wanting more. We see your pandering to your real audience.

But... how stupid does she think people are? Women just automatically get hysterical when upset and have no desire to calmly talk things out with their partner? Men need to be sweet-talked into doing something and are so dumb they don't even realise they're being "sandwiched"? How old is this man, that he has to be handled so delicately?

I cut a lot of her specifics out, and I gotta say... this seems like a lot of work to simply have a conversation / make a request of your spouse.

I'd be willing to bet part 2 is how to handle the husband's criticisms of you.

Honestly this sounds like she's just read The Surrendered Wife and is doing a poorly plagiarized version of it. Absolutely redpill talking points here. 

[cartouche]

On 9/2/2020 at 2:27 AM, AmericanRose said:

Of course, she has to mention sex. And it's the wife wanting more. We see your pandering to your real audience.

 

This is the part that bothers me the most! She is so strategic (or well, just plain manipulative) about how she signals to her creepy male audience that she is the ideal red pill wife. Like ~of course~ she's the one who wants sex more! (sarcasm) She just can't get enough of husblob! (sarcasm) He's the one who ask her to cool down! (sarcasm) It's just so... ugh. It's not real life. Even if she thinks it is and truly believes she's the perfect red pill wife who has everything figured out and that all the stupid ugly lefties and feminists don't know anything.

The thing is, as women, we can definitely go through periods in life where we can live up to unrealistic, misogynistic expectations made of us. And especially if you have a big online audience: yes, that validation might truly feel good! But it doesn't last. Because we're not Barbie dolls or robots with no emotions, flaws, or vulnerable moments. (And NO, Caitlyn, saying "I cried while unloading the dishwasher and my hubby saved me! I'm such a silly emotional woman!" does NOT count as a real flaw because it just flatters hubby's ego.)

I'm talking about those flaws and problems that AREN'T going to be endearing to your husblob, that he's going to have to step up and deal with like a good husband. Whether its being unable to lose the baby weight and feeling unattractive, postpartum depression, not wanting sex due to natural discomfort of pregnancy and postpartum, hubby's porn addiction, whatever... real-life, awful things will come up that she won't be able to fix by twisting the narrative on her blog. Because when you encounter real difficulties, you need BOTH people to take responsibility and work it out, not just the wife taking all the responsibility.

She seems to think that if you baby your husband, worship him, assume all responsibility for marital problems as a woman, everything will be fine, but it's not true. That's what makes red pill such a joke.

What's going to happen when she's recovering from childbirth and can't have sex or make a show of being the perfect wife, and hubby is sitting in his lazy boy chair in the living room expecting to get served with another plate of cookies? She'll probably blame herself when that blob returns to his porn addiction. It's sad, really. ?

[Giraffe]

It won’t surprise me if she drops off the map after the baby’s born. Imo reality’s going to hit her like a ton of bricks when she gives birth and it’s going to knock her on her arse, even if her birth experience meets her expectations and she doesn’t experience postpartum  depression. 

[kaluce]

Once the baby is born, I think we’ll really see where her true viewership lies- is it thirsty men or actually young women who care about homemaking? 

[nokidsmom]

So, catching up on threads a bit and see that MM is expecting.   Oh my, I honestly think she's in for a BIG reality check. 

3 hours ago, cartouche said:

What's going to happen when she's recovering from childbirth and can't have sex or make a show of being the perfect wife, and hubby is sitting in his lazy boy chair in the living room expecting to get served with another plate of cookies? She'll probably blame herself when that blob returns to his porn addiction. It's sad, really. 

Just wondering, how far removed is her husband from his porn addiction?  It seems it was before their marriage?  I haven't followed MM super closely but seems she's been married for only a couple (2-3) of years?  And that she met husbear (I can see why he would hate that name) in college and got married shortly after leaving college?   

Asking because if I were her I would be pretty concerned about a prospective partner's porn addiction especially if recent and also what steps were taken to deal with it such as counseling.    Years ago, before I met Mr. No, I was engaged while in college.  My ex-fiance was extremely troubled and I ended things because I had serious concerns about his "praying the problems away".  Turns out I was not wrong, over the following years I learned even more about him:  he stalked not only me, but also stalked and harassed other young women.   I found out he attempted rape on another young woman he had a crush on before we met.   He gave a friend of mine, after she got engaged, a sex manual, telling her he was "willing to answer any questions" which pissed off her fiance big time.  

These behaviors continued shortly before he met and married his wife and they married pretty quickly.   I wonder if his wife ever knew her husband's disturbing behavior so shortly before they married.   For me it would be a deal breaker.   I can't help but wonder that MM has a lot of insecurity over some of husbear's issues and she is doing a lot of overcompensating / rationalizing. 

[Hane]

Ohhhhhh, crap. These posts of hers totally triggered me. They reminded me of all the times I had to pussyfoot around Ex-Mr.-Hane-#2, being *so* careful not to hurt his tiny, tiny feelings. I realized, after I finally decided to end our marriage, that he was often in a state of looking for any feeble excuse at all to “blow up”—as if pressure was building up inside him and he needed to release it, regardless of whom he hurt. It was the emotional equivalent of lancing a boil, and as disgusting.

[quiversR4hunting]

On 9/2/2020 at 2:27 AM, AmericanRose said:

ATTENTION, MARRIED LADIES OF FJ!

Caitlin is going to teach you all something very important! So important, in fact, it needs 2 blog posts!

Conversational Improvement: Communicating With Your Husband (Pt. 1)

"Please keep in mind that I practice Biblical Christian womanhood and traditional Biblical marriage, so my perspective is of course going to be colored through that lens."
I think this is the most confirmation we've received that she's uber Christian. I skimmed through this, and... oh my goodness.

Tone

  Hide contents

"My advice here is to learn to be disciplined and mature in the control of your tone when communicating with your husband so that you might have an advantageous position in which to communicate your needs, present your ideas, and address problems. 

Men respond best to showcases of respect, and tone is the best way in which we can show that we respect our husband. 

Always come into the conversation in a way that communicates your respect and admiration. Avoid adopting a harsh or critical attitude. Rather, approach him with gentleness and maturity, showing that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore not a ticking time bomb. He will be much more likely to engage with you and be open to hearing your voice if he senses that you are a safe and controlled person to have a discussion with. It is essential to avoid a hostile environment during tense or sensitive discussions, and that setting begins with YOU. Never have a hostile, accusatory, or unyielding tone or attitude. Always always always present in a nurturing and positive way, even if the subject material is sensitive.  

Adjust your vocal tone, your body language, and even the setting and timing when you need to bring up serious subjects. Don't start a fight right before you head out to a family event. Don't enter a conversation with your arms crossed and a scowl on your face. Don't start a fight in public: be strategic. Being strategic with your tone and the timing of your conversations increases the possibilities of you and your husband coming to a mutual understanding, and it increases the possibility of you getting your needs met."

Sandwiching

  Hide contents

"I first learned this in my communications program, and have since adopted it into my marriage as well because it WORKS.

For example, if your husband has been consistently late from work without notifying you, causing you to worry or feel confused about dinner times, I suggest you bring it up by sandwiching it. Approach him in a nice setting and tell you you would like to discuss something. Begin by thanking him for his hard work and all he does to provide for you and your family. This is the top of the sandwich. This is ESSENTIAL because a man needs to feel appreciated and noticed for his work in order to be receptive to your requests. That's just the way it is. 

Next, tell him the problem. Say that you have been running into some problems with him not telling you when he's going to be late and that it often makes you feel anxious or confused about when to start dinner. DO NOT stress that it makes you angry. That will only lead to more problems: never cite anger as a reason for him to do or not do something. It just won't work. Then, suggest a simple and easy solution to the problem, like maybe he sends you a quick emoji that means he's going to be late: nothing complicated. 

Finally, thank him for hearing your heart and ask for his thoughts. This part is the bottom of the sandwich. It's essential to acknowledge the sacrifice someone makes by sitting through criticisms of their behavior: it's not comfortable! We all know that! But also remember to ask for his thoughts in a kind way, so that he might feel included in the discussion, rather than ordered around.

Do not have your husband live in fear of your anger, rather, show him how he can increase your happiness and be your hero. This method is extremely effective and will work with nearly any situation, big or small. If you need to ask him to bring out the trash more, sandwich. If you want to bring up having a baby, sandwich. If you want to go on vacation, sandwich. Do it. I promise it works."

Take that, Transformed Wife - women can learn something in college!

Logic

  Hide contents

"If you begin to let the hysterics in, it's soon going to turn into a wildfire, ruining the discussion with emotional and hysterical melodrama.

Remember that men often need rational explanations to lead them to the point you are trying to make. Saying things like "I just don't like it" isn't going to fly. Explain WHY something is affecting you negatively, and explain what exactly can change to fix the situation. 

If you have already thought of possible solutions, present those as well. Men like to fix our problems and if you offer him a way that is effective and pleasant for both of you, it will be very helpful. So instead of saying "I don't like how infrequently we have sex," you could say "I would like to have sex more often. This is how frequently I am thinking. What do you think?" This opens a discussion and keeps things from getting heated right off the bat. "

Well. At least she advocates for couples counseling if needed and says to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Of course, she has to mention sex. And it's the wife wanting more. We see your pandering to your real audience.

But... how stupid does she think people are? Women just automatically get hysterical when upset and have no desire to calmly talk things out with their partner? Men need to be sweet-talked into doing something and are so dumb they don't even realise they're being "sandwiched"? How old is this man, that he has to be handled so delicately?

I cut a lot of her specifics out, and I gotta say... this seems like a lot of work to simply have a conversation / make a request of your spouse.

I'd be willing to bet part 2 is how to handle the husband's criticisms of you.

I didn't read much of the book at all but to me it sounds like "Love & Respect " - the basis is all women respond to love feeling being met  and all men desperately need respect. (By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs). My ex-husband and I started to listen to it several years ago and it was so black and white about what each sex wants and needs we didn't get past first bit. https://www.loveandrespect.com/ 

I kept the book and audio cd for awhile and I finally threw it away. I couldn't give it away because it was bad but then I couldn't throw it away. I think all of you encouraging everyone to burn/throw away Lori Alexander and Pearl books gave me permission to throw books away

I just realized the Eggerichs are from Grand Rapids. I wonder if they are connected with the Devos family. Interesting the book wasn't published by Zondervan. At least he does have a real education -PhD from MSU, BA & MA from Wheaton College and MDiv from Dubuque. Must not be part of the Devos crew - he went to a Presbyterian church. Devos is christian reformed. I still think his book is too black and white. 

More (Wiki) info about the book - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_%26_Respect - the summary is interesting from his wife Sarah - 

Quote

Although the L & R conferences promote "the assumption that the woman's place is in the home," and Sarah Eggerichs advises women to praise "their husband's commitment to bring home the bacon," she has had a career as a well-coifed, highly polished, full-time professional speaker.[3] Sarah Eggerichs advises women to do things their husbands enjoy, even though "You may be bored, sitting in the back of a fishing boat or watching him do woodworking, but he will love it"; to welcome his sexual advances, "As a wise woman once asked, 'Why would you deprive him of something that takes such a short time and makes him soooo happy?'"; and to make certain always to be nicely-groomed and dressed when their husbands come home from work.[3]

In the summary they mention John Gottman who I think has a much better book - "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by the time I started reading this book my marriage was too far gone and my ex-husband wasn't participating with fixing the broken parts. I haven't finished this one either because it was too painful at the time knowing I couldn't make our marriage work if my partner wouldn't try. Maybe I will read it later. Put it into perspective, I was married a year ago right now and not separated; we filed our divorce papers in the beginning of November of 2019 and finalized the divorce in May 2020. But in the middle of November he can celebrate his 1 year anniversary with his girlfriend! ?

[Marmion]

I have noticed that it seems that the onus is being  placed on the woman .  What gets overlooked is what a girl wants , and needs ; whatever makes each one in the relationship happy , and free .  

Spoiler

 

 Men would be wise to remember that a woman is like a genie in a bottle ; you have to treat her the right way .   

Spoiler

 

 

[Petronella]

On 9/2/2020 at 7:27 AM, AmericanRose said:

ATTENTION, MARRIED LADIES OF FJ!

Caitlin is going to teach you all something very important! So important, in fact, it needs 2 blog posts!

Conversational Improvement: Communicating With Your Husband (Pt. 1)

"Please keep in mind that I practice Biblical Christian womanhood and traditional Biblical marriage, so my perspective is of course going to be colored through that lens."
I think this is the most confirmation we've received that she's uber Christian. I skimmed through this, and... oh my goodness.

Tone

  Hide contents

"My advice here is to learn to be disciplined and mature in the control of your tone when communicating with your husband so that you might have an advantageous position in which to communicate your needs, present your ideas, and address problems. 

Men respond best to showcases of respect, and tone is the best way in which we can show that we respect our husband. 

Always come into the conversation in a way that communicates your respect and admiration. Avoid adopting a harsh or critical attitude. Rather, approach him with gentleness and maturity, showing that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore not a ticking time bomb. He will be much more likely to engage with you and be open to hearing your voice if he senses that you are a safe and controlled person to have a discussion with. It is essential to avoid a hostile environment during tense or sensitive discussions, and that setting begins with YOU. Never have a hostile, accusatory, or unyielding tone or attitude. Always always always present in a nurturing and positive way, even if the subject material is sensitive.  

Adjust your vocal tone, your body language, and even the setting and timing when you need to bring up serious subjects. Don't start a fight right before you head out to a family event. Don't enter a conversation with your arms crossed and a scowl on your face. Don't start a fight in public: be strategic. Being strategic with your tone and the timing of your conversations increases the possibilities of you and your husband coming to a mutual understanding, and it increases the possibility of you getting your needs met."

Sandwiching

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"I first learned this in my communications program, and have since adopted it into my marriage as well because it WORKS.

For example, if your husband has been consistently late from work without notifying you, causing you to worry or feel confused about dinner times, I suggest you bring it up by sandwiching it. Approach him in a nice setting and tell you you would like to discuss something. Begin by thanking him for his hard work and all he does to provide for you and your family. This is the top of the sandwich. This is ESSENTIAL because a man needs to feel appreciated and noticed for his work in order to be receptive to your requests. That's just the way it is. 

Next, tell him the problem. Say that you have been running into some problems with him not telling you when he's going to be late and that it often makes you feel anxious or confused about when to start dinner. DO NOT stress that it makes you angry. That will only lead to more problems: never cite anger as a reason for him to do or not do something. It just won't work. Then, suggest a simple and easy solution to the problem, like maybe he sends you a quick emoji that means he's going to be late: nothing complicated. 

Finally, thank him for hearing your heart and ask for his thoughts. This part is the bottom of the sandwich. It's essential to acknowledge the sacrifice someone makes by sitting through criticisms of their behavior: it's not comfortable! We all know that! But also remember to ask for his thoughts in a kind way, so that he might feel included in the discussion, rather than ordered around.

Do not have your husband live in fear of your anger, rather, show him how he can increase your happiness and be your hero. This method is extremely effective and will work with nearly any situation, big or small. If you need to ask him to bring out the trash more, sandwich. If you want to bring up having a baby, sandwich. If you want to go on vacation, sandwich. Do it. I promise it works."

Take that, Transformed Wife - women can learn something in college!

Logic

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"If you begin to let the hysterics in, it's soon going to turn into a wildfire, ruining the discussion with emotional and hysterical melodrama.

Remember that men often need rational explanations to lead them to the point you are trying to make. Saying things like "I just don't like it" isn't going to fly. Explain WHY something is affecting you negatively, and explain what exactly can change to fix the situation. 

If you have already thought of possible solutions, present those as well. Men like to fix our problems and if you offer him a way that is effective and pleasant for both of you, it will be very helpful. So instead of saying "I don't like how infrequently we have sex," you could say "I would like to have sex more often. This is how frequently I am thinking. What do you think?" This opens a discussion and keeps things from getting heated right off the bat. "

Well. At least she advocates for couples counseling if needed and says to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Of course, she has to mention sex. And it's the wife wanting more. We see your pandering to your real audience.

But... how stupid does she think people are? Women just automatically get hysterical when upset and have no desire to calmly talk things out with their partner? Men need to be sweet-talked into doing something and are so dumb they don't even realise they're being "sandwiched"? How old is this man, that he has to be handled so delicately?

I cut a lot of her specifics out, and I gotta say... this seems like a lot of work to simply have a conversation / make a request of your spouse.

I'd be willing to bet part 2 is how to handle the husband's criticisms of you.

Goodness. This whole thing reminds me of a conversation with a fundie friend last year. She was explaining how she approaches her husband when she disagrees or has a criticism. Her method was pretty much all that’s described by Mrs Midwest, what with choosing a time when he’s not in the middle of something, acknowledging the positives alongside the negative, communicating respect. And you know what? I treat my husband like that too, because he’s a PERSON and that’s a nice and effective way to interact with PEOPLE. I have no problem with the advice itself; it’s the one-wayness of it, from women to men only, that’s appalling.

My fundie friend said she does this because “that’s how men are” and “that’s what men need.” I pointed out that she also deserves such respect and kindness, and said I hoped he treats her with the same care.

She seemed to think I was very silly for thinking this.

On 9/4/2020 at 3:20 PM, quiversR4hunting said:

didn't read much of the book at all but to me it sounds like "Love & Respect " - the basis is all women respond to love feeling being met  and all men desperately need respect. (By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs). My ex-husband and I started to listen to it several years ago and it was so black and white about what each sex wants and needs we didn't get past first bit.

Do you remember the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? A friend of mine (a woman) read it and said, “It’s good—except I’m from Mars.”

The message that people approaching a situation from different assumptions and valuing different things may need some understanding and translation is a good one; but rigidly pre-designating those assumptions and values by gender sucks.

[Giraffe]

MM’s advice reminds me of things I’ve read in The Excellent Wife. Seems like many “How to be Subservient for Jesus” books contain the same stupid advice.