Challenges of Staying In: Relationships and Otherwise

[HerNameIsBuffy]

I can't remember the last time my kids got on my nerves other than the most fleeting ways.  Different schedules, work (all of us), school and social lives (them) I was always happy when we caught a few minutes together.

But today...I could tell one of them is just sick of me being around so much.  He won't say it, but brought home a ton of food only he eats and I made a comment (in a neutral tone) that he keeps filling up the freezer and I have to go shopping soon and I got an eyeroll and now he's deboxing stuff in the living room to make it fit because I'm in the kitchen.

No yelling, no harsh words, but my feelings are hurt and yeah - I'm annoyed because we have one freezer now and I'm tired of never having ice because he keeps overloading the damn thing.  

Before I'd sigh and forget about it by the time I saw him again.  Now - I'm mostly just hurt that I can tell he's sick of me being home all the time.  And he's sick of being home all the time.  

And I'm sick of being asked "what's wrong?" like my not having a grin on my face when I'm clearly frustrated with a work thing is personal affront.  I need to be able to swear at my screen without having to explain myself.  I'm usually in a good mood when I'm home because it's usually not also my work place 8.5 hours a day.  

It's such little stuff ...I get that he's unhappy but this isn't fun for me either.  I don't think this much togetherness is healthy for us.  And I'm really jealous of all the families who are using this time to reconnect, enjoy time together, play games, hang out, etc.  

And one of my dogs has a hot spot and she's mad at me for the medicine I need to spray on it.  

And I haven't gone to the bathroom alone since we've been on lockdown.  I'm always accompanied by at least one cat, usually two, and about half the time a 135 lb dog joins the viewing audience.  

The cat who attends every performance likes to jump on the toilet just before I sit, it's his favorite game.  I had to pivot at the last minute to avoid smooshing him and guess who now has a broken toilet seat?

In some ways I'm very alone in life, and in some ways I'd pay good money to have 5 minutes in the bathroom without company.

 

 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Coconut Flan

[Italiangirl]

i understand you Buffy i have been home since the 8 of March, i have been out a couple of time for sopping and that's it basically, i have only see my supermarket and the post office if you exclude the quick trip to the electronic shop to ask o can i change my broken cell (i can't not now at least if i don't want to have two number at least). i'm lucky since i live in the country and can go outside to walk with my dog and read in my garden, but still is hard, i'm stuck home with my mother and sister all day every day and even if the house is spacious and we all can stay in our room if we want, we have had some nerve's grating in the last days, At the moment we have 5 cats and my dog at home with us, my sister's two cat was used to lived in the city and even if she has a garden and they are here from more than a month, they are still mostly city cat, so we have had to take them down from trees and make disappear all the plates as soon as we finish lunch or dinner or they will jump on the table and risk to broken them (we have already loose some glasses and plates thanks to them) My family 3 cats are used to the dog so they don't blink to him but hers are still...not so fond of him who cannot understand why and desperately wants to bring them into his pack...

i cannot not laughs at your desire to have a little bit of privacy in the bath i know the felling i have often at least one cat in the bath with me plus the dog just outside the door or the dog open the door and com in bringing one of the cats as well

edit: i forgot to say that my father is at the moment the only one who go outside of us since he is a family doctor (general? md? i'm not sure how you define it ) and he still works, is hard even for him cause when he come home all he wants to do is just shut off the brain and chill, but is not so easy when he only has a couple of hours for lunch and rest before having to go to work again, he has had some problem to sleep well in the last few days too many things to keep track and do 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Italiangirl

[CarrotCake]

I am happy it is just my fiance and myself in a full family house.

So during the day I have the ground floor and he has upstairs (we both work from home). 

Also in the evening we choose to sometimes sit apart and do our own things.

And we are lucky that we can still go out for walks, runs and bikerides so both of us try to do that everyday. It is some nice alone time to be out and also when the other person is out.

[onekidanddone]

Someone in my larger extended family is a NYC ICU. He is the grandson of my dad’s first cousin.  So I really don’t know what level of cousin he is, but my dad would call people ‘cousin’ no matter how far apart you were. He would include any connection by marriage or adoption.  Everybody was family. 
 

So the six degrees of separation has started

[HerNameIsBuffy]

12 minutes ago, onekidanddone said:

Someone in my larger extended family is a NYC ICU. He is the grandson of my dad’s first cousin.  So I really don’t know what level of cousin he is, but my dad would call people ‘cousin’ no matter how far apart you were. He would include any connection by marriage or adoption.  Everybody was family. 
 

So the six degrees of separation has started

He is your dad's first cousin twice removed.

He is your second cousin once removed.

It's one of the useless things I know.

I really hope he recovers quickly and completely.  

Edited April 2, 2020 by HerNameIsBuffy

[singsingsing]

I’m currently trying to decide if I should stay where I am (living with my mum) or find an opportune moment to go and stay with my boyfriend. Going to live with him would be putting myself at increased risk because he’s not isolating as ‘severely’ as we are. On the other hand, he’s working from home starting tomorrow and I could probably convince him to have groceries delivered rather than going to the store. Or I could stay here and not see him for months. I wonder what other people who are in a serious relationship but not living together are doing.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

6 minutes ago, singsingsing said:

I’m currently trying to decide if I should stay where I am (living with my mum) or find an opportune moment to go and stay with my boyfriend. Going to live with him would be putting myself at increased risk because he’s not isolating as ‘severely’ as we are. On the other hand, he’s working from home starting tomorrow and I could probably convince him to have groceries delivered rather than going to the store. Or I could stay here and not see him for months. I wonder what other people who are in a serious relationship but not living together are doing.

That has to be really hard.

Just my two cents, living together is a huge change no matter how well you know each other, and even good changes are stressful.  I would be afraid to do that with all the external stressors going on right now.  But everyone is different.

[singsingsing]

8 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

That has to be really hard.

Just my two cents, living together is a huge change no matter how well you know each other, and even good changes are stressful.  I would be afraid to do that with all the external stressors going on right now.  But everyone is different.

Yep, that’s definitely a major consideration as well. And since it’s not like I could fully move in under the circumstances - I’d be able to bring enough stuff for an ‘extended stay’ basically - then I’d have to figure out where to go from there. If the pandemic is still an issue 6 months from now, 10 months from now... how do I get the rest of my stuff? Do I risk going back and forth and exposing my mum? No, obviously I can’t do that. We’ll be fine, our relationship will be fine. It just sucks. But most of all I just want us all to get through this without getting sick. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

Yeah, this is getting more fun by the day.  

I'm not sure at this point whether it's him or it's me but I am sick of the tension.  

I always thought we had a pretty good relationship but apparently not, it was just lack of time together that made it seem that way.  

[fraurosena]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Yeah, this is getting more fun by the day.  

I'm not sure at this point whether it's him or it's me but I am sick of the tension.  

I always thought we had a pretty good relationship but apparently not, it was just lack of time together that made it seem that way.  

As to the bolded: @HerNameIsBuffy, I love you, but you are absolutely drawing the wrong conclusion. You are both stressed out of your minds. You are cooped up together under very unusual circumstances, with no way out and no way of knowing how long it will take before things get back to 'normal'. Neither of you have control over the situation. You cannot, no you must not, draw any conclusions about how good your relationship is based on these strenuous times.

Talk to him about how you feel, how this tension makes you feel. And if you can, get him to open up about how he is feeling.

Know that you can be vulnerable towards each other and be each other's rock at the same time. You got this. 

[Giraffe]

@HerNameIsBuffy, these are difficult times we’re living through. I have a great relationship with my dad, but it’d be strained if we were together 24/7 for many weeks on end. Yeah, maybe you don’t have the relationship you thought you had, but maybe you have a great relationship but going through the unreal stresses that most of us haven’t ever experienced before it brings out things in each other we’ve never seen before. It sounds like you do have a good relationship with him though, it’s just this really fucking awful time we’re going through brings out new shit. ❤️

Edited April 2, 2020 by Giraffe
Didn’t finish my sentence 2.0, wanted to clarify

[AliceInFundyland]

Alternately,

I am trying to come to the conclusion that I have an upper hand on most people and my past several years of too much isolation give me a leg up in this game. Like, I know how to do this solo living, no contact thing and live with myself. Just have to keep at it a few more months now.

Hahaha. Sigh.

Edited April 3, 2020 by AliceInFundyland

[Ali]

They don't live with me but I need somewhere to vent. Both of my parents are still working outside their home and so they are still getting exposed. It stresses me out.

My dad is not taking it seriously. He is so stubborn and has made up his mind. I am not sure how to get through to him or even if it is possible. He started spouting off conservative nonsense math yesterday and I tried to start explaining exponential growth. He made it clear he did not want to hear about exponential growth and it seems like he thinks I do not know what I am talking about. I have a bachelor's degree in mathematics by the way. He also asked if the curve is flattening here. I told him that the state announced 1503 new confirmed cases yesterday and he was dismissive of that statement. 

He also again told me that thinks some teachers in his area are getting a paid vacation. I am a public school teacher so that statement hurt. I have three kids and am no where close to bored. Yesterday was hard trying to work and care for my kids. I try to do all my lesson planning when my younger ones are napping, or during evenings and weekends while Mr. A is off of work. I still have to spend a lot of time yesterday corresponding with students and fixing tech issues because online instruction is new to me. My younger two are one and four. They still require a lot of attention and have been extra needy recently.

It hurts talking to my dad right now and my mom a little too, but I am not sure if I will have parents when this is over so I feel like I need to talk to them even though this hurts.

Edited April 7, 2020 by Ali

[meep]

How many weeks are we into lockdown now? 4? I was pretty proud that my fiancé and I were getting along really well. But these past few days he has been annoying the heck out of me. I've been doing school from home for months and have my routines and ways I do things all set up. Now he's home and he is starting to question every little thing I do - "why do you fill up the coffee pot before you do dishes?" "is it really necessary to put the pills on the counter the night before?" "shouldn't we place things in the freezer like this instead of like that?". He just says it like he thinks it's funny but I get frustrated before I even explain myself. Shouldn't he trust that I have good reasons and I'm not an idiot? Also, I am a planner and my head is constantly forming plans for everything. He says he never has plans. Which of course I already knew but it's hard to do things when he is frolicking here, doing something over there - and he doesn't verbalize ahead of time. It irritates me! (And yes, I'm aware it is most likely me that has a major stick up my ass but that's just how I am!)

[meep]

I guess this is as good a time as any, but what does Rufus Bless mean? I've never known. ?

[HerNameIsBuffy]

7 minutes ago, meep said:

I guess this is as good a time as any, but what does Rufus Bless mean? I've never known. ?

I am not clear on it either...I know they use it in place of God bless and it's something to do with Jinger and a deer.  Reindeer?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning the answer, too.

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

40 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I am not clear on it either...I know they use it in place of God bless and it's something to do with Jinger and a deer.  Reindeer?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning the answer, too.

I think there used to be a link to the origin story of Rufus in the FAQ section, but it's under construction right now. If I recall correctly, Jinger hit a deer on her way to Jessa's first birth (Spurgeon). A family friend collected the deer's remains and then gave Jinger the taxidermied head.  It was first seen on Counting On when Jinger was loading it up to take to Laredo, to begin her life of married bliss. FJers concocted a story about how the deer was actually the secret object of worship (I'm hazy on remembering the details here), and Our Blessed Lord Rufus was born. I also seem to recall that @singsingsing and @Carm_88 had large parts in the Rufus beginning. Help?

 

[Coconut Flan]

55 minutes ago, meep said:

I guess this is as good a time as any, but what does Rufus Bless mean? I've never known. ?

As the page says FAQs are currently a mess.  The answer was in there.  I didn't keep a copy, but I'm sure someone else did.

In my words and memory, heading to a birth Jinger hit a deer.  She had the head mounted and named him Rufus.  She took Rufus with her when she married Jeremy.  Rufus then became kind of a patron saint/alternate deity and Rufus bless was born. 

[singsingsing]

Hello! So here is the history of Rufus: back in the day (*mumble mumble* years ago - I honestly can't remember), over in the Duggar forum, we were discussing Jinger's taxidermy deer head. When she was on her way to Spurgeon's birth, she hit a deer. She ended up having the head stuffed and mounted (see my user pic). She named it Rufus and brought it with her to Laredo when she married.

Why Rufus became a deity: People began to speculate about the fact that the Duggars apparently owned multiple different stuffed deer heads! At least one or two others were in Ben's 'apartment' when he lived at the TTH. Then someone suggested that Jinger was lying about the source of Rufus, and that he was really another deer that they owned. I'm fuzzy on the details now, but yeah. I thought this was the most hilarious and fun Duggar conspiracy ever, and came up with a story about Jinger and Jeremy actually belonging to a pagan cult that worshiped a deer deity (Rufus).

'Rufus Bless', imo, should always be used sincerely. It shouldn't be like 'bless your heart', it should be an actual blessing. I usually only use it when the context is super clear, though - i.e. someone specifically mentioning Rufus - because I know it has caused confusion! 

[meep]

Thank you everyone!!! @singsingsing @Coconut Flan @WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? @HerNameIsBuffy

[Cartmann99]

28 minutes ago, singsingsing said:

'Rufus Bless', imo, should always be used sincerely. It shouldn't be like 'bless your heart', it should be an actual blessing. I usually only use it when the context is super clear, though - i.e. someone specifically mentioning Rufus - because I know it has caused confusion! 

When I use it, I'm saying I'd offer you a hug if we were in the same room.

[fraurosena]

Sweet loving Rufus! 

I just have to share, I'm so happy right now. This morning we had the most wonderful surprise when son1, pregnant DIL and grandson stood in front of our window, holding up signs spelling out that they're having a girl! We spoke in the door opening, and then went for a walk together through the neighbourhood; keeping our distance of course -- easy where I live as our streets are traffic free zones and we can walk far apart. It was wonderful! We never went near each other; even 2 1/2 year old grandson knows 'distahs'... 

Although it was hard not to be able to cuddle them, it was so good to see them and speak to them face to face! 

 

[Becky]

Congratulations, @fraurosena!  

[HerNameIsBuffy]

2 hours ago, fraurosena said:

Sweet loving Rufus! 

I just have to share, I'm so happy right now. This morning we had the most wonderful surprise when son1, pregnant DIL and grandson stood in front of our window, holding up signs spelling out that they're having a girl! We spoke in the door opening, and then went for a walk together through the neighbourhood; keeping our distance of course -- easy where I live as our streets are traffic free zones and we can walk far apart. It was wonderful! We never went near each other; even 2 1/2 year old grandson knows 'distahs'... 

Although it was hard not to be able to cuddle them, it was so good to see them and speak to them face to face! 

 

That's wonderful!  Congratulations! 

[danvillebelle]

I have not seen my sons in 7 weeks.  It's the longest we've ever been apart in their whole lives (they are in their 20's).  They are both essential workers and have been working so hard.

I want to hug my boys.