Political Memes, Comics, and other Shenanigans, Part 17

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Edited March 16, 2020 by AmazonGrace

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"Trumpy Takes a Test"

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Despite hanging out with multiple Trump cultists and shitweasels who may be infected with the coronavirus, and several who definitely are, Donald Trump was reluctant about taking a test to see if maybe he had contracted the virus.

He told us he wasn’t worried about being in contact with people who had the virus because he didn’t know them and about that photo of him grinning it up with the infected Brazilian, he hasn’t even seen that photo. Maybe that was his coronavirus test.

He finally took a test after being pressured by the press. Maybe there were questions like, “have you seen the photo? No? Well, then you can’t have the virus because that’s how shit works. Here’s your lolly.”

That’s how it works in Trumplandia but not in reality, where the majority of us live.

Also, here, in reality, you’re not actually 240 pounds just because a fucknut doctor said you are. And if you’re 5 foot nine, and a doctor looking to appease your cult says you’re 6 foot three, you’re still actually 5 foot nine. Sorry.

So, when asked about taking the test, Trump tried to dodge the question before finally mumbling it was “difficult” and nobody would enjoy it, “it was unpleasant… it’s a medical test! It’s not fun!” I mean, it’s almost like he didn’t take the test.

Perhaps he thought it was like one of those tests for an STD, where they need to stick a cotton swab into your pee hole and twirl it around 5-10 times. That, I can only guess because I never dated like Trump did in the 80s, has to be unpleasant (I just looked it up on the internet to see if it’s true and OHMYGOD). So maybe Donald Trump thought the coronavirus test was similar and for some weird reason would involve his penis.

But since he likes to take credit for Obama’s accomplishments, which he’s finally fucking up, maybe he stole his test results for the coronavirus. I’m sure President Obama’s results would come back negative since he hasn’t been hanging out with right-wing fuckos at Mar-a-Lago, which by the way, is being closed down for the coronavirus.

I think now would be a great opportunity for Donald Trump to self-quarantine at Mar-a-Lago and while he’s there, maybe do something about that bedbug problem.

If Trump does take a test, I’m sure it’ll come back positive in that he is the virus. He is the pandemic. He is the plague. Four more years? Personally, I’d rather have a doctor stick a cotton swab in my pee hole.

 

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Edited March 17, 2020 by GreyhoundFan

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"Jump for Trump"

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Yesterday, Donald Trump gave another press conference on the coronavirus. This time, he tried to appear more somber and adultlike. He even said the media was doing a good job. Then, the stock market dropped nearly 3,000 points, which was the market’s worse day since Black Monday in 1987.

And there’s no wonder why the market keeps going up and down. Sunday, Donald Trump said he had the virus under control. On Monday, he admitted he didn’t. Then, he said this crisis could last until July or August. He even said we could be headed to a recession. All of this after the Federal Reserve slashed interest rates to zero, which means they can’t go any lower.

The stock market’s going to do what it’s going to do. It’s really hard for a president to control it, but when a president demonstrates he doesn’t have a clue about anything, especially during a worldwide crisis, the market is affected.

Stores are closing. Restaurants are either closed or only offering takeout. Sporting events and conventions are being canceled or rescheduled. Primaries are being postponed. People are losing money. Donald Trump is turning into Herbert Hoover…but with less ethics, intelligence, and ability.

Senator Mitt Romney has floated the idea of giving every American $1,000 which is probably the best idea a Republican has proposed since Eisenhower proposed the interstate. And this idea was stolen from a Democrat, though watered down. Former presidential candidate Andrew Yang ran on a campaign of giving every American taxpayer $1,000 a month. Right now, that sounds like a great idea and it might go farther for the nation and holding up the economy than bailouts of banks, airlines, and cruise lines. Mitt’s idea is receiving a lot of interest from members in both parties.

Even casinos are asking Congress for a bailout which doesn’t excite me. First off, this is an industry where people give it money for nothing in return. Secondly, Donald Trump’s casinos got a bailout from his daddy and he still drove them into the ground. Now, casinos are asking for help from the guy who bankrupts casinos. Why is the stock market falling under Trump’s leadership again?

Donald Trump needs to shut up. The governors of this nation, Democrats and Republicans, have taken the lead. He needs to give them what they ask for, instead of telling them to go find respirators on their own, and get out of their way. He needs to rubber-stamp whatever Congress sends him to combat this crisis and get out of the way. He needs to listen to the health experts at the CDC and the economic experts at the Fed, give them what they want, and get out of their way.

If Donald Trump gave a statement that he’s going to stop pretending to be in charge, admit he doesn’t know fuck from fuck, and from now on he’s just going to give what’s asked for and then get out of the way, the market would probably skyrocket. Even if he said, “I’ll be at Mar-a-Lago playing golf. You guys handle this,” it wouldn’t hurt Wall Street any more than his actions and statements already have.

That’s not going to happen (he’ll still play golf, of course) so at the very least, he should just shut the fuck up.

Maybe it was shits and giggles for a lot of people to have a racist toddler gameshow host with brain worms in charge for a few years, but now we need an adult in the White House. Since we don’t have one, Donald Trump needs to shut up and get out of the way.

 

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"MAGA Socialism"

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Isn’t it funny that everything Republicans complain about turns around and bites them in the ass? Isn’t it funny that they don’t have any principles?

For decades, they proclaimed they were about family values and wouldn’t support any candidate who appeared unethical or messed around on his wife. Today, nope. In fact, many believe Donald Trump, who cheated on wife number 1 with wife number 2 and cheated on wife number 3 and has 5 kids with 3 different women, was sent by God. And maybe God did send Donald Trump but only because he was out of locusts. Frankly, I’d prefer the locusts. If anything locusts probably don’t cheat on their wives.

They used to talk a big game about cutting spending, but in all honesty, Republicans haven’t tried to cut spending or balance a budget since the 1950s.

Republicans always claimed they were better with foreign policy, more patriotic, and had more respect for our military. They were never any good with foreign policy. As for being more patriotic, they would rather deflect and ignore an attack on our democracy if it helps them steal shit. And the military? Today, they support a guy who feuds with Gold Star families, says POWs aren’t heroes, and resists giving money to veteran groups after holding fundraisers, conducted by his campaign, for them.

Republicans always want to reduce spending on welfare and make it as difficult as possible for poor families to receive government assistance. But since social welfare is the only welfare they complain about, it’s not really the spending they have an issue with. Spending on social welfare is about 1 percent of the federal budget. We spend double on corporate welfare and you never hear a Republican demand corporate executives pee in a cup. Hell, they never demand that corporations receiving government assistance don’t buy back their own stock or give executives six-figure salaries and million-dollar buyout options.

But maybe the one thing Republicans hate the most is socialism. It makes them so angry that they’re too upset to look up the difference between socialism and communism. Over the past few years, they claim that democratic socialism will turn us into Venezuela, ignoring that democratic socialist nations are more like Norway and Luxembourg. They argue that all Bernie Sanders wants to do is give everyone “free stuff,” ignoring the fact that they voted for an idiot who literally promised them a free wall.

Now, the Trump administration is trying to work out a plan to give corporations, small businesses, and everyday-working shmoes like me and you cash as quickly as possible. It’s like that J.G. Wentworth commercial and we need cash now, except we’re not in a bus with opera-singing Vikings because that’d be a great way to catch Covid-19 (great story though. “How’d you catch Covid-19?” “I was on a bus with opera-singing Vikings”). The plan, being designed mostly be Treasury Secretary Steve Baby Fishmouth Mnuchin will cost around a trillion dollars. Former White House Communications Director for 8 minutes Anthony Scaramucci says to really help everyone and to keep the economy from imploding like a Trump casino (my analogy, not his), the government will need a stimulus package of 3 trillion. He’s probably right.

I think there should be some huge conditions attached to these bailouts, especially for corporations. Maybe attach agreements that they don’t use the money to purchase their own stock and that millionaire executives need to take huge pay cuts. And how about no huge severance packages? On top of all that, make sure no bailouts to toilet paper companies because they are not hurting right now.

The reason I think the Mooch is correct is that Mitt Romney’s idea is to give every American $1,000 which seems to be where Fishmouth is going. That’s a great start. We could all use an extra thousand bucks, but for most people, that won’t even cover one month’s rent.

Andrew Yang, who ran for president in the Democratic primaries, wanted to give every American $1,000…a month. Now, it appears every Republican wants to be in the Yang Gang.

What I want to ask every Republican who loves the idea of this bailout and is praising Donald Trump for it is: Isn’t this socialism? Isn’t this free stuff? Won’t this turn us into Venezuela? Are you a fucking hypocrite?

I have an idea: Let’s only give to people who didn’t vote for Trump in 2016. Let’s make sure that everyone who ever complained on social media about socialism doesn’t get a check. They won’t mind because they’ve already told us that people who like Bernie’s ideas are lazy, socialism is bad, giving away “free stuff” is stupid, and they don’t want anything to do with it. If they really need to eat and they don’t have money, they can take their guns out in the woods and hunt for their food. They’re not lazy so it shouldn’t be a problem. They can just pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Or, they can just return what the government gives them and ask that it go towards the wall they love so much and believe is already under construction.

That’s 62 million assholes we don’t have to worry about because they don’t want socialism and “free stuff.” We heard you and guess what. I’m not going to forget you said it.

What I’m looking forward to is the gaslighting they’re about to engage in. I’m excited to hear their reasoning that this isn’t socialism or “free stuff.” How will they explain it’s not welfare when they get it? This is going to be too good. If they can blame Obama for Trump’s disastrous response to the coronavirus pandemic, or that Trump was sent by God, then they can gaslight anything.

Normally, I’d tell Trump supporters they can go eat something else (shit. Bag of dicks. Etc.), but today, I’ll be helpful.

Hungry? Go eat your MAGA hats.