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If I Ran a Cult...


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8 hours ago, The Mother Dust said:

All fake-ass chocolate drinks are banned. Looking at you, Ovaltine.  

I would like to request a dispensation* for the use of Ovaltine; it is the lowerst-carb chocolate milk making product I can find in my area.  Rufus bless.

*I think this is the right word; my Catholicness is in the faraway past by now.

4 hours ago, danvillebelle said:

I am affectionately known as "Cart Bitch" in my family, because I put away stray ones in the parking lot while swearing up a storm at the person who left it there.  

I love you for this.  I think it should be a qualification for sainthood (if our cult has saints).

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1 hour ago, quiversR4hunting said:

Several have been built in my area, especially at freeway off ramps. They are easy, always go right. I don’t understand why people have issues with them, they really aren’t hard.

we have one close to where i live. its is connected to a 12 lane boulevard, and spokes off to 5 streets going in all different directions. you haven't lived until you see someone driving that thing the wrong way around. damn thing is so terrifying i go out of my way to avoid it every single day. 

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30 minutes ago, anachronistic said:

Litterboxes must be cleaned once a day.

If this is a rule, can we also ban the sale of cat litter in 600 lb. tubs?

(Slight exaggeration, but you get my drift.)

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9 minutes ago, MayMay1123 said:

we have one close to where i live. its is connected to a 12 lane boulevard, and spokes off to 5 streets going in all different directions. you haven't lived until you see someone driving that thing the wrong way around. damn thing is so terrifying i go out of my way to avoid it every single day. 

there's a double one near my house that replaced a 5-way intersection; it's two circles set close together so that you can go around each one individually or around the whole thing.  it's actually fun in light traffic; I like to take my passengers on 2 or 3 laps around it.

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2 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Then I'm out (also love yoohoo, although it's been decades since I've had one.)

I guess I'm still in search of my spiritual home.

It's allowed, just not a sacrament.

 

It's like if wine is a sacrament -- champagne and spritzers don't count, but they're allowed for non-sacramental purposes.

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1 hour ago, MayMay1123 said:

we have one close to where i live. its is connected to a 12 lane boulevard, and spokes off to 5 streets going in all different directions. you haven't lived until you see someone driving that thing the wrong way around. damn thing is so terrifying i go out of my way to avoid it every single day. 

DuPont Circle in Washington, DC!

However, our local traffic circles here in Colorado are No Big Deal. Seriously. I don't understand why people get their knickers in a twist about them, except they have never driven DuPont Circle or its Irish equivalent.

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7 minutes ago, FiveAcres said:

DuPont Circle in Washington, DC!

However, our local traffic circles here in Colorado are No Big Deal. Seriously. I don't understand why people get their knickers in a twist about them, except they have never driven DuPont Circle or its Irish equivalent.

Howdy neighborino! 

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22 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

You guys covered all the important aspects, the whole treating other people (especially children) properly and such so I'm going to just throw some personal addendums on here

 

  • Topping Spaghettios with a fried egg pleases the Lord.
  • Show dark chocolate edibles the respect they deserve as our Holy Communion.

@HerNameIsBuffy, these two selections will require special dispensation for those in the Cult of Hane. The Baby Sister of Hane once, at age four, burst into tears at having tasted Spaghetti-Os for the first time at a friend’s house. We grew up on real-deal homemade pasta sauce. And Hane has really, really tried to like dark chocolate but Just Can’t, enduring persecution and ridicule from those who look down upon milk chocolate and white chocolate.

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In my cult everyone would have to at least try to learn a second language.  Your choice : Romance, Slavic, ASL, etc.    I'm not talking fluency (though that would be the goal) just a real interest in learning since I believe speaking, reading, or writing another's language helps you understand how that person sees the world.  

Also:  Traffic circles are called rotaries where I live, and they're everywhere.  

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8 hours ago, quiversR4hunting said:

Several have been built in my area, especially at freeway off ramps. They are easy, always go right. I don’t understand why people have issues with them, they really aren’t hard.

The problem we have around here is that people STOP when they don't have to.  Drives me up the wall.

ETA Yes on Ovaltine, no on YooHoo and that disgusting white sugary stuff is NOT chocolate.

Edited by zeebaneighba
Stating my chocolate preferences.
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Yes, people stopping instead of yielding is the problem with traffic circles. That and the fact that our busiest one is in a high pedestrian traffic area with no crosswalks, so people are always running across it at odd places. 

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It drives me crazy when people behind me honk because I'm waiting for the person already in the rotary to go. Maybe I should go ahead and get hit so the person behind me could go.

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To include with the other good rules;

 

Thou shalt not offer to pay any one in "exposure", if you do, you forfeit one month's pay from your salary, because clearly you went to work for "exposure" yourself, since clearly you dont see how people need to work to pay for things.

 

Thou shalt not make a thing of what others do or do not eat, if someone is not affecting your life, you didn't cook it or buy it, leave them be and even then think twice if it really is something you need to fuss about.

 

Well funded NHS type medical for all.

Edited by tankgirl
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In addition to all the other great rules...

Being an introvert in whatever version that takes is okay.

Work allows me time to keep up with JRod threads.

 

Edited by WiseGirl
Add text
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In the cult of Mother’s Green Hair:

 

- Books are to be organised alphabetically by author’s surname. A special dispensation can be sought for hard to fit formats like giant coffee table books.

- Stovetop popcorn only.

- The cult business will be wool, a sheep-to-shawl kind of operation with income from school visits, yarn retreats etc etc.

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On 2/20/2020 at 11:32 PM, quiversR4hunting said:

Now I must know the story behind this because there has to be in order for it to make your rules.

and thanks a lot, my neighbor has a trampoline and I just pictured him naked jumping on it....not a bad thought but some things are best left to the imagination.

I meant to reply to this earlier. There is, but it's... well, not that interesting!  I have a young (early primary school) age child. Said child has sensory issues, including really not liking the feeling of wet clothing against his skin (swinwear excepted). He deals with this by taking the clothing off. The number of times I have looked out the kitchen window and gone "is he naked trampolining again!?!" is higher than you'd expect...

(In case anyone is worried our backyard is screened from the neighbours on two sides by thick hedges and on the other by a large shed. Although they are quite possibly aware of it, mostly from me yelling "for the love of God [child], stop jumping and put your clothes back on!!")

Additional cult rule - high fences/hedges are mandatory. 

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Your rules are very straightforward and sensible life rules, where’s the crazy shit that comes with joining a cult and taking away people’s autonomy?

In my cult:

- no bacon. Yeah, I said it. You want bacon you can move off the compound and go to hell with all the other unenlightened non cultists. Vegetarianism is encouraged but not enforced.

- all men are required to learn to sew and will be responsible for repairing clothing

- no speaking between 9 and 11pm. That’s silent time for reading, art, or other creative activities. Listening to music with headphones is allowed.

- chocolate must be Cadbury, or Lindt. No Nestle and DEFINITELY no Hersheys

- no sex on Tuesdays 

- we wear at least one blue item each day

- potential punishments for disobedience of cult rules include listening to the Hamster Dance on repeat for 24 continuous hours and being served cold baked beans for meals

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6 hours ago, Smee said:

Your rules are very straightforward and sensible life rules, where’s the crazy shit that comes with joining a cult and taking away people’s autonomy?

In my cult:

- no bacon. Yeah, I said it. You want bacon you can move off the compound and go to hell with all the other unenlightened non cultists. Vegetarianism is encouraged but not enforced.

- all men are required to learn to sew and will be responsible for repairing clothing

- no speaking between 9 and 11pm. That’s silent time for reading, art, or other creative activities. Listening to music with headphones is allowed.

- chocolate must be Cadbury, or Lindt. No Nestle and DEFINITELY no Hersheys

- no sex on Tuesdays 

- we wear at least one blue item each day

- potential punishments for disobedience of cult rules include listening to the Hamster Dance on repeat for 24 continuous hours and being served cold baked beans for meals

We found the true cult leader amongst us.

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13 hours ago, Smee said:

Your rules are very straightforward and sensible life rules, where’s the crazy shit that comes with joining a cult and taking away people’s autonomy?

In my cult:

- no bacon. Yeah, I said it. You want bacon you can move off the compound and go to hell with all the other unenlightened non cultists. Vegetarianism is encouraged but not enforced.

- all men are required to learn to sew and will be responsible for repairing clothing

- no speaking between 9 and 11pm. That’s silent time for reading, art, or other creative activities. Listening to music with headphones is allowed.

- chocolate must be Cadbury, or Lindt. No Nestle and DEFINITELY no Hersheys

- no sex on Tuesdays 

- we wear at least one blue item each day

- potential punishments for disobedience of cult rules include listening to the Hamster Dance on repeat for 24 continuous hours and being served cold baked beans for meals

In order to join each successive level of the inner eschelon you must write responses to 43 key selection criteria, and respond to the Holy Leaders questioning and criticism of your responses through the medium of interpretive dance.

Or puppetry. I am open to puppetry.

Edited by Ozlsn
Thoughts
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On 2/20/2020 at 9:37 AM, catlady said:

I would like to request a dispensation* for the use of Ovaltine; it is the lowerst-carb chocolate milk making product I can find in my area.  Rufus bless.

*I think this is the right word; my Catholicness is in the faraway past by now.

I love you for this.  I think it should be a qualification for sainthood (if our cult has saints).

Dispensation granted! ?To be fair, I only have Ovaltine memories from my childhood palate.  Maybe it would taste different to me as an adult.

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My cult would require education. Smoke whatever you want but it's your choice and no one else's - therefore, your responsibility. You will be free from ridicule in the cult, but not free from your own responsibilities & consequences. You have to have a job and work for a living, and "social media" / influencer / IG "model" - WTF ever - - is NOT a job and doesn't count. In fact, your social media accounts must be private/ friends/family only - not public, however  you do that.  Only actual scientific reasoning accepted, no pseudo science or woo. Eat & drink whatever you want whenever you want, but just as with smoking, it is your choice for you, not for anyone else. Keep your dietary suggestions to yourself. Finally . everyone has to do something on the regular that helps others outside the cult in some way. 

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11 minutes ago, fundiefan said:

You have to have a job and work for a living

So much for my happy cult life.

12 minutes ago, fundiefan said:

Finally . everyone has to do something on the regular that helps others outside the cult in some way. 

I'm in IT and am unpaid tech support for everyone I know.  Does that count?

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5 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

So much for my happy cult life.

I'm in IT and am unpaid tech support for everyone I know.  Does that count?

Yes, it does. I was in IT for a decade in the first incarnation of my professional life, and more than 15 years later, I still get random calls about "how do I do/fix____"? It's a second full time job for life. 

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  • Always Coke, never Pepsi
  • Brussel Sprouts are forbidden
  • Everyone must do a happy/silly dance to the best of their ability every morning
  • Weekly hikes with the groups 
  • We must all develop a secret language together so no one else can learn our super secret cult knowledge
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